The OMUSURT: The Semifinals

And now we're down to four oddball hits.  Who gets to stick around for the freaky finale?  Let's find out.

THE TRAGEDY COULD HAVE BEEN AVERTED IF THOSE SMUG FOREIGN BASTARDS HAD GIVEN TO THE AMERICAN RED CROSS BOWL
"Timothy," The Buoys, 1971
vs. "The Americans," Byron MacGregor, 1974
HOW THEY GOT HERE
TIMOTHY
Chart Peak: 17
Round 1: Defeated “Freddie’s Dead” 49-10 (The Dead Men Had Names Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Run Joey Run” 55-6 (God What Did They Do Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Angie Baby” 63-56 (Mysterious Disappearance Bowl
Round 4: Defeated “D.O.A.” 24-23 (Death in the Air and Below the Ground Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “The Lord’s Prayer,” 14-7 (Praying for Rescue Bowl)
Round 6: Defeated "King Heroin," 37-31 (OT) (Things You Shouldn't Put in Your Body Bowl)

THE AMERICANS
Chart Peak: 4
Round 1: Defeated “The Americans” 50-30 (He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Neighbour, Even Though He Spells Neighbour Without the U Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Give Ireland Back to the Irish” 45-12 (Opinionated Outsider Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “I Am Woman” 42-21 (Hear Them Roar Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “What the World Needs Now is Love/Abraham, Martin and John” 38-14 (Give the U.S. Some Sugar Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “Convention ‘72” 31-24 (Yankee Doodle Dandies Bowl)
Round 6: Defeated "Tubular Bells" 38-31 (Don't Demonize Me Bro Bowl)

First Half: It was a defensive stalemate.  These two teams play with chips on their shoulders, and neither could break the other down sufficiently to create many openings. One inspired late play by the Timothy team set up a long field goal attempt, but it came up just short.

Halftime Score: Timothy 0, Americans 0

Second Half: The play remaigned tight until halfway through the third quarter, when the Buoys seemed suddenly shot through with energy and life.  The Americans, used to having worn down opponents by the late stages of the game, were unable to comefrom behind, and shots of their sideline for the remainder of the game showed a lot of whining and finger-pointing.

Final Score: Timothy 21, Americans 0.  The losing team's bitterness continued into the postgame press conference, during which their coach felt that it was unfair how people were talking about the loss instead of the six glorious victories that had come before, and about how France or Germany couldn't have won all those games.  But eventually, he was speaking to an empty room, as the media turned their attention to the winners and how they survived yet again.  Do they have one more miracle left in them?

THE BEELZEBUB HAS DRAWN A BATH FOR ME BOWL
"Rubber Duckie," Ernie, 1970
vs. "Bohemian Rhapsody," Queen, 1975
HOW THEY GOT HERE 
RUBBER DUCKIE 
Chart Peak: 16
Round 1: Defeated “Disco Duck” 35-21 (Quack Attack Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Rainbow Connection” 21-17 (Jim Henson Memorial Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Teddy Bear” 28-6 (Toy Animals Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Funky Worm” 45-24 (The Clean and the Dirty Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “Muskrat Love” 28-21 (Fowl Rodents Bowl)
Round 6: Defeated "The Streak" 44- (Birthday Suit Bowl)

BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
Chart Peak: 9
Round 1: Defeated “Summer Nights” 40-13 (Big Production Number Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey” 49-10 (We’re So Sorry We Just Killed a Man Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Junk Food Junkie” 55-3 (I See a Little Silhouette of a Can of Dr. Pepper Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “American Pie” 22-19 (2OT) (The Queen Sang Along with the Jester Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “The King is Gone,” 30-10 (Ruling Couple Bowl)
Round 6: Defeated "The Battle Hymn of Lt. Calley" 31-20 (You Just Killed A Man? Hold My Beer Bowl)

First Half: A tentative start, with the Duckies seemingly still in preparation mode at kickoff, while the Bohemians seemed to be contemplating the nature of the game rather than actually playing it.  But things picked up late in the first quarter, an both teams found the end zone. Queen scored first on a a quick, stunning strike, but Ernie's side managed to methodically squeeze out an equalizer near the end of the half.  The teams' contrasting approaches have produced an even contest to this point/

Halftime Score: Duckie 7. Bohemian 7

Second Half: The Duckies came out with the unusual strategy of playfully targeting certain body parts of their opponents.  At first, this tactic seemed silly and childish, but it turned out to be brilliant, as the Bohemians, used to being able to channel their defiance against enemy aggression, did not know how to respond to an adversary who was just playing the game to have fun.  They did not feel stoned and spat upon, and thus they were disarmed.  They managed a couple of late touchdowns, but some felt like Ernie all but allowed those two scores to happen in the interest of imparting a message about sharing to his assistant coach, a fellow simply known as Bert.

Final Score: Duckie 35, Bohemian 21.  Cute yellow chubbiness won the day over murderous nihilism.  The Queen team was charmed to the point where their mercurial star quarterback was caught on camera telling Ernie "You're my best friend."  Later, he said he was so changed by this experience that, in the interest of sportsmanship, he would sing a special song for the champions after the tournament final.  Once again, the ducks prove their might.

And so the final is set.  The Buoys and their tale of overcoming adversity by any means necessary will face Ernie and his song about how personal hygiene can be fun.  There were other songs that people thought might get this far, but both of these were on the consensus list of title contenders, and are unquestionably worthy of being called the decade's Uneasiest Rider.  Who will prevail?  We will learn soon, but first, among other things, it's time for another trip to Canada.  Stay tuned for that, true believers.