THE OMUSURT FINAL, OR THE ALWAYS WASH BEFORE YOU EAT, PEOPLE BOWL
"RUBBER DUCKIE"
Artist: Ernie
Songwriter: Jeff Moss
Release Date: Summer 1970
Peak Hot 100 Position: #16 (September 26, 1970)
TOURNAMENT HISTORY
Round 1: Defeated “Disco Duck”by Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots 35-21 (Quack Attack Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Rainbow Connection”by Kermit the Frog 21-17 (Jim Henson Memorial Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Teddy Bear” by Red Sovine 28-6 (Toy Animals Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Funky Worm” by The Ohio Players 45-24 (The Clean and the Dirty Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “Muskrat Love” by The Captain and Tennille 28-21 (Fowl Rodents Bowl)
Quaterfinal: Defeated "The Streak" by Ray Stevens 44-7(Birthday Suit Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Rainbow Connection”by Kermit the Frog 21-17 (Jim Henson Memorial Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Teddy Bear” by Red Sovine 28-6 (Toy Animals Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Funky Worm” by The Ohio Players 45-24 (The Clean and the Dirty Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “Muskrat Love” by The Captain and Tennille 28-21 (Fowl Rodents Bowl)
Quaterfinal: Defeated "The Streak" by Ray Stevens 44-7(Birthday Suit Bowl)
Semifinal: Defeated "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen 35-21 (Beelzebub Has Drawn a Bath for Me Bowl)
Aggregate Game Score: 236-117 (+119)
Points Per Game: 33.7
Average Margin of Victory: 17 points
"TIMOTHY"
Artist: The Buoys
Songwriter: Rupert Holmes
Release Date: December 1970
Peak Hot 100 Position: #17 (April 30, 1971)
TOURNAMENT HISTORY
Round 1: Defeated “Freddie’s Dead” by Curtis Mayfield 49-10 (The Dead Men Had Names Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Run Joey Run”by David Geddes 55-6 (God What Did They Do Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Angie Baby by Helen Reddy 63-56 (Mysterious Disappearance Bowl
Round 4: Defeated “D.O.A.” by Bloodrock 24-23 (Death in the Air and Below the Ground Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “The Lord’s Prayer,” by Sister Janet Mead 14-7 (Praying for Rescue Bowl)
Quarterfinal: Defeated "King Heroin," by James Brown 37-31 (OT) (Things You Shouldn't Put in Your Body Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Run Joey Run”by David Geddes 55-6 (God What Did They Do Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Angie Baby by Helen Reddy 63-56 (Mysterious Disappearance Bowl
Round 4: Defeated “D.O.A.” by Bloodrock 24-23 (Death in the Air and Below the Ground Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “The Lord’s Prayer,” by Sister Janet Mead 14-7 (Praying for Rescue Bowl)
Quarterfinal: Defeated "King Heroin," by James Brown 37-31 (OT) (Things You Shouldn't Put in Your Body Bowl)
Semifinal: Defeated "The Americans" by Byron MacGregor 21-0 (Tragedy Might Have Been Averted if Those Smug Foreign Bastards Had Given to the American Red Cross Bowl)
Aggregate Game Score: 263-133 (+130)
Points Per Game: 37.6
Average Margin of Victory: 18.6 points
So we see that both teams have had some close calls, but also some comfortable victories. This looks like a pretty even matchup. And we're about to kick off!
First Quarter: Once again, the Duckies start off slow, seeming to only offer previews of what they can do. Timothy and co. accomplish a little more, getting a drive going and setting up a field goal attempt, which they make in spite of not having enough men on the field. Ernie's team took over possession at the end of the quarter, so we'll see if they can get something going after the sides switch ends.
Current Score: Timothy 3, Duckie 0
As we wait for the action to resume, let's talk to our sideline reporters to gauge the mood of the teams. First to the Rubber Duckie sideline and Dickie Goodman.
Dickie, what's the mood over there?
"Everything is beautiful."
So they're staying positive. The Timothy team had been known to pull some trick plays. I understand you asked coach Ernie about that. What did he say?
"Won't get fooled again."
Dickie, this team has impressed us all with the way they have been able to remain a close-knit unit throughout the tournament. Why do you think that is?
"It's a family affair."
I see. There's one of the players beside you. Could you hand him your headset and microphone for a moment? Thanks. Young man, have you thought about what you would do if you happen to win this game?
"I'm gonna buy me all kinds of candy, that's what I'm gonna do."
Very good. Okay, thank you for that report, Dickie. Any further comment?
"Rock on."
We certainly will. All the way to the Timothy sideline and Chuck Berry. Chuck, can you sum up what happened in that quarter from the Buoys' point of view?
This team came from beneath the ground.
They once were lost but now they're found.
But one of their players is still missing
I bet he's off playing with his ding-a-ling-a-ling!
Well, thanks for that, Chuck. It doesn't really answer my question, but no matter, we're ready to start the second quarter.
Second Quarter: The Duckies did take advantage of their first possession of the second period, joyously marching down the field for the game's first touchdown. Their defense also stepped up with tackling so firm it forced audible groans from Buoys ball carriers. But the Timothy team seemed to recognize that things were in danger of becoming hopeless, and they started to come up with some ideas to turn things around near the end of the half, ultimately making another field goal before the break.
Halftime Score: Duckie 7, Timothy 6.
So as expected, not much between the two teams through thirty minutes, meaning that the next thirty or more will be where the championship is decided. For his halftime observations, we turn to our guest analyst, Benny Bell. Benny, how would you sum up the game so far?
"Those miners and that kid named Ernie
In all of them, there is no quit.
Soon one team will be covered in glory
While the other is covered in sh...aving cream,
Be nice and clean,
Shave every day and you'll always look keen."
Thank you, Benny. As always, your comments are entertaining, if not insightful. Well, I see that the halftime show, which featured The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards, a performance byElvis Ronnie McDowell, and a light show provided by the Carpenters' friends the Occupants of Interplanetary Craft, has just wrapped up and the teams are back on the field. What will be the exciting conclusion to this epic competition? We're about to find out.
Third Quarter: The Timothy team came out rejuvenated, as if they'd gotten a jolt of energy and strength from some kind of high-protein meal. The Duckies stuck to their usual second-half strategy of loose, carefree play, but this time, they were pushed aside as the Buoys' grim determination resulted in two touchdowns.
Current Score: Timothy 20, Duckie 7.
Just one quarter left to go in regulation time, and the Buoys' have taken control. Can Ernie and the Duckies clean up their game in these final minutes to squeak out one more win? Before we find out, let's check in with our reporters, who seem to have switched sidelines. So we'll start out with Chuck Berry this time with the Rubber team. Chuck, do you think the squad from Sesame Street have anything left for one last comeback.
"The Duck team's losing, do the math,
But all they want to do is take a bath
Some of them are already undressing
And I can see their ding-a-ling-a-lings."
Thank you Chuck. Now I don't want to accuse you of making things up just to fit your story, but none of our cameras are capturing anyone on that sideline removing their uniforms. But you're right there, so maybe you're getting a better view. Regardless, we now go to the Timothy sideline and Dickie Goodman.
Dickie, how do you explain the way the Timothy team dominated the third quarter?
"Oh, oh, oh, it's magic, you know."
I find that hard to believe. Are you sure their isn't some other explanation?
"I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing?"
All right, I guess we'll never know. From what you see over there, is there any way the Rubber Duckie team can beat the Buoys?
"Got to give it up."
So you think that a Timothy victory is inevitable?
"We are the champions, my friend."
All right. Well thank you, Dickie. Do you have anything else to say before we go back to the action?
"You don't bring me flowers anymore."
Whoa, Dickie, this isn't the time or the place. We can talk about that after the game. Hey, they're back on the field, so let's watch.
Fourth Quarter: The Duckies maintained their smiley demeanor during the game's home stretch, and there were moments when that seemed to crack the Timothy defense, as if their opponents childlike innocence was triggering some sort of guilt. They scored a touchdown that put them within reach of victory, but the Buoys recovered and ground out the clock until they safely arrived at the end of the game.
Final Score: Timothy 20, Duckie 14.
"TIMOTHY" WINS THE OLD MAN'S ULTIMATE 70S UNEASY RIDER TOURNAMENT!!!
Our journey has ended with a song that snuck cannibalism onto pop radio being declared the Uneasiest Rider of the 1970s. It is the oddest of the odd, the weirdest of the weird, and it devoured all of its challengers to achieve this feat. This victory has been dedicated to, who else, Timothy, who made the ultimate sacrifice to make all of this possible.
I know the question I hope some of you are asking: "Will you do one of these for the 80s?" The answer is hell yes. I am presently working at finalizing the selections and the brackets, and it will be kicking off very soon. Before then, however, we're headed back to Britain.. See you soon.
First Quarter: Once again, the Duckies start off slow, seeming to only offer previews of what they can do. Timothy and co. accomplish a little more, getting a drive going and setting up a field goal attempt, which they make in spite of not having enough men on the field. Ernie's team took over possession at the end of the quarter, so we'll see if they can get something going after the sides switch ends.
Current Score: Timothy 3, Duckie 0
As we wait for the action to resume, let's talk to our sideline reporters to gauge the mood of the teams. First to the Rubber Duckie sideline and Dickie Goodman.
Dickie, what's the mood over there?
"Everything is beautiful."
So they're staying positive. The Timothy team had been known to pull some trick plays. I understand you asked coach Ernie about that. What did he say?
"Won't get fooled again."
Dickie, this team has impressed us all with the way they have been able to remain a close-knit unit throughout the tournament. Why do you think that is?
"It's a family affair."
I see. There's one of the players beside you. Could you hand him your headset and microphone for a moment? Thanks. Young man, have you thought about what you would do if you happen to win this game?
"I'm gonna buy me all kinds of candy, that's what I'm gonna do."
Very good. Okay, thank you for that report, Dickie. Any further comment?
"Rock on."
We certainly will. All the way to the Timothy sideline and Chuck Berry. Chuck, can you sum up what happened in that quarter from the Buoys' point of view?
This team came from beneath the ground.
They once were lost but now they're found.
But one of their players is still missing
I bet he's off playing with his ding-a-ling-a-ling!
Well, thanks for that, Chuck. It doesn't really answer my question, but no matter, we're ready to start the second quarter.
Second Quarter: The Duckies did take advantage of their first possession of the second period, joyously marching down the field for the game's first touchdown. Their defense also stepped up with tackling so firm it forced audible groans from Buoys ball carriers. But the Timothy team seemed to recognize that things were in danger of becoming hopeless, and they started to come up with some ideas to turn things around near the end of the half, ultimately making another field goal before the break.
Halftime Score: Duckie 7, Timothy 6.
So as expected, not much between the two teams through thirty minutes, meaning that the next thirty or more will be where the championship is decided. For his halftime observations, we turn to our guest analyst, Benny Bell. Benny, how would you sum up the game so far?
"Those miners and that kid named Ernie
In all of them, there is no quit.
Soon one team will be covered in glory
While the other is covered in sh...aving cream,
Be nice and clean,
Shave every day and you'll always look keen."
Thank you, Benny. As always, your comments are entertaining, if not insightful. Well, I see that the halftime show, which featured The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards, a performance by
Third Quarter: The Timothy team came out rejuvenated, as if they'd gotten a jolt of energy and strength from some kind of high-protein meal. The Duckies stuck to their usual second-half strategy of loose, carefree play, but this time, they were pushed aside as the Buoys' grim determination resulted in two touchdowns.
Current Score: Timothy 20, Duckie 7.
Just one quarter left to go in regulation time, and the Buoys' have taken control. Can Ernie and the Duckies clean up their game in these final minutes to squeak out one more win? Before we find out, let's check in with our reporters, who seem to have switched sidelines. So we'll start out with Chuck Berry this time with the Rubber team. Chuck, do you think the squad from Sesame Street have anything left for one last comeback.
"The Duck team's losing, do the math,
But all they want to do is take a bath
Some of them are already undressing
And I can see their ding-a-ling-a-lings."
Thank you Chuck. Now I don't want to accuse you of making things up just to fit your story, but none of our cameras are capturing anyone on that sideline removing their uniforms. But you're right there, so maybe you're getting a better view. Regardless, we now go to the Timothy sideline and Dickie Goodman.
Dickie, how do you explain the way the Timothy team dominated the third quarter?
"Oh, oh, oh, it's magic, you know."
I find that hard to believe. Are you sure their isn't some other explanation?
"I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing?"
All right, I guess we'll never know. From what you see over there, is there any way the Rubber Duckie team can beat the Buoys?
"Got to give it up."
So you think that a Timothy victory is inevitable?
"We are the champions, my friend."
All right. Well thank you, Dickie. Do you have anything else to say before we go back to the action?
"You don't bring me flowers anymore."
Whoa, Dickie, this isn't the time or the place. We can talk about that after the game. Hey, they're back on the field, so let's watch.
Fourth Quarter: The Duckies maintained their smiley demeanor during the game's home stretch, and there were moments when that seemed to crack the Timothy defense, as if their opponents childlike innocence was triggering some sort of guilt. They scored a touchdown that put them within reach of victory, but the Buoys recovered and ground out the clock until they safely arrived at the end of the game.
Final Score: Timothy 20, Duckie 14.
"TIMOTHY" WINS THE OLD MAN'S ULTIMATE 70S UNEASY RIDER TOURNAMENT!!!
Our journey has ended with a song that snuck cannibalism onto pop radio being declared the Uneasiest Rider of the 1970s. It is the oddest of the odd, the weirdest of the weird, and it devoured all of its challengers to achieve this feat. This victory has been dedicated to, who else, Timothy, who made the ultimate sacrifice to make all of this possible.
I know the question I hope some of you are asking: "Will you do one of these for the 80s?" The answer is hell yes. I am presently working at finalizing the selections and the brackets, and it will be kicking off very soon. Before then, however, we're headed back to Britain.. See you soon.
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