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20 - “I Can Make You Feel Good,” Shalamar
The L.A. funkers’ first Top Ten here was this tune about a guy who promises to be a caring lover, because he knows that love is “a game where there can be two winners.” A song as slick as the band’s name.
19 - “Fantastic Day,” Haircut One Hundred
The third hit for the London pop group was this peppy lament about unrequited infatuation. Yes, it does reach the heights of its title adjective. Definitely in the same league as the great “Love Plus One.”
18 - “Layla,” Derek and the Dominos
Eric Clapton’s epic of longing and lust returned to the Top Ten ten years after it first scaled those heights. And yes, the single was the full seven minutes, including the Scorsese-immortalized piano ending. If rock has ever been capable of true beauty, it achieved it here.
17 - “Blue Eyes,” Elton John
Sir Elton’s first Top Ten of this decade was this bittersweet country love ballad. He keeps it simple, and thereby returns to form. Maybe his best song without Bernie Taupin.
16 - “One Step Further,” Bardo
Sally Ann Triplett and Stephen Fischer were brought together to sing this number that would end up being Britain’s Eurovision entry for the year. Lite synthpop about not taking romantic chances. It got to #2 and was the favourite to win the Song Contest, but a disappointing performance on the night resulted in a dismal seventh place. Apparently they needed to go six steps further.
15 - “Night Birds,” Shakatak
The London jazz-funk outfit’s first Top Ten was this bit of tinkly easy listening. It’s like the George Benson/ABBA collaboration no one asked for. Waiting-room anaesthesia.
14 - “Don’t Love Me Too Hard,” The Nolans
The final hit for the Irish sister act was this midtempo disco encouragement of carnal forbearance. They were like four Olivia Newton-Johns who never got to a Sandy/“Physical” sexual awakening phase. That might not have worked for them, but it would have been fun to see.
13 - “Have You Ever Been in Love,” Leo Sayer
Sayer’s final original Top Ten was this this big ballad about the ups and downs of romance. Not my cuppa, but I will say that here he comes off like a much better Christopher Cross.
12 - “Is it a Dream,” Classix Nouveaux
The only Top 40 for this band that rose from the ashes of influential punks X-Ray Spex was this angry New Waver about how the world sucks and always will. There’s a place for nihilism in pop if it’s catchy enough, and this certainly is.
11 - “See Those Eyes,” Altered Images
The third hit for these Scots is more synth aggression. Clare Grogan warns us all about women who are just teases. Consider me warned, and entertained. I’ve enjoyed learning that these guys had much more to offer than “I Could Be Happy.”
10 - “Dear John,” Status Quo
Here they are again with more assembly-line boogie rock, this time about being dumped by a note left behind. Maybe she was tired of the routine, the same old same old, the...what’s that Latin phrase that means the same thing? If so, I can’t blame her.
9 - “Papa’s Got a Brand New Pigbag,” Pigbag
Formed in Cheltenham, this band scored their only hit with this iconically iconoclastic instrumental. It sounds like a band trying to play punk, but the only rock instrument they have is an electric bass, and their playing the rest on what they found in a school marching band’s rehearsal room. And it turned out amazingly. It’ll pump you up to take on anything.
8 - “Just an Illusion,” Imagination
The biggest hit for Leee John and company was this slinky funk number about romantic fantasies that won’t come true. British groups often miss something when they do this genre, but this is pretty spot on. For real.
7 - “Ghosts,” Japan
The biggest hit for the arty New Wavers from Catford was this spooky, drum-free piece about doubt and depression. It’s a goth masterpiece, but something about the synth sounds and David Sylvian’s singing attracts listeners who have colours other than black in their wardrobes.
6 - “More Than This,” Roxy Music
Roxy’s final Top Ten was this sumptuous synth ballad about past romantic glories. It’s a warm bath of pop class. In the whole of their career, these guys were, ahem, more than this, but this was a nice place for them to end up.
5 - “Give Me Back My Heart,” Dollar
The duo’s final Top Five was this breathy breakup ballad. The voices kind of drown into the synths and just make it a kind of mush. On my exchange, it’s 17 cents.
4 - “Seven Tears,” The Goombay Dance Band
These guys were essentially Germany’s second string Boney M. Their only hit here, a schlager/reggae hybrid about the heartbreak of separation, got all the way to #1. The kind of song about sadness that only touches people who’ve never really been that sad.
3 - “Ebony and Ivory,” Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
Two legends fight racism with sap, win a Triple Crown, and inspire the best thing Joe Piscopo will ever be associated with. Life truly is an Eskimo Pie. Take a bite.
2 - “Ain’t No Pleasing You,” Chas and Dave
The Rockney duo’s biggest hit was this rousing singalong about finally being fed up by a lover who cannot be satisfied. It’s the closest they came to seriousness, but it retains enough of their blokey relatability to not be jarring, If they ever could have had a hit across the pond, it would have been this.
1 - “My Camera Never Lies,” Bucks Fizz
The third and final charttopper for the ‘81 Eurovision champs was this song about catching a lover in deception. It’s okay, but not great, I would describe it as “out-of-focus ABBA.”
We are back in Canada next time. See you then, eh?
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