Finalizing.
20 - “Joe le Taxi,” Vanessa Paradis
Paris singer/model Paradis was just fifteen when she had a surprising international hit with this French-sung jazz-pop number about a cool cab driver who knows where all the happening spots are. Her little girl voice grates a bit, but the song still draws you in. She’d have a long career in music and film after this, but she may be most famous for being in a fourteen-year relaowith Johnny Depp and having two children with him.
19 - “Reckless,” Afrika Bambaataa with UB40
Born Lance Taylor in the Bronx, Bambaataa was one of the pioneers of hip-hop, and his “Planet Rock” is one of the genre’s foundational records. His biggest pop success came when he teamed with the British reggae outfit on this dance track. It’s a combination that doesn’t quite jell for me, but I’m still glad it happened, if that makes any sense.
18 - “Ship of Fools,” Erasure
The duo’s fourth Top Ten is midtempo synthpop about naïveté and cruelty. It’s effortlessly fine pop. Vince Clarke had finally found a partnership that would last.
17 - “Temptation,” Wet Wet Wet
The fourth hit for the waterlogged Scots was this soul ballad marred by a tortured metaphor about “bullets of deception” and a shoehorned reference to “all the tulips in Amsterdam.” It’s more proof of how it’s hard to write a great song by trying too hard to write a great song.
16 - “I Get Weak,” Belinda Carlisle
The ex-Go-Go’s second Top Ten was this rock ballad that Diane Warren wrote with Stevie Nicks in mind. Learning that made me draw comparisons between the two I never had before. I feel like Stevie would have made this more interesting, but Belinda makes it a more listenable pop song. Anyway, it’s better that anything with Diane Warren’s name attached to it has a right to be.
15 - “Crash,” The Primitives
The first hit for this Coventry band is a jangly, breakneck earworm of a pop song. It’s like taking a lap at Indianapolis without having to risk your life. It reminds you that styles, instruments, and tastes may change, but the perfect 2-3 minute pop song can never be denied.
14 - “Where Do Broken Hearts Go,” Whitney Houston
The last of Whitney’s seven straight U.S. charttoppers only got this high here. Apparently, the answer to the title question isn’t Britain.
13 - “Only in My Dreams,” Debbie Gibson
Her debut came up one place here short of a Triple Top Ten. But it is a shoo-in for the Top Ten All-Time Pop Hits by Teenage Girls. She was placed in the same class as Tiffany due to age and timing, but she was clearly aiming for the Madonna league, and this promised a worthy campaign.
12 - “Bass (How Low Can You Go),” Simon Harris
This London DJ followed M/A/R/R/S in the trend of British dance acts building songs out of lines from songs by emerging hip-hop acts. In this case, most of the words you hear come from Chuck D on Public Enemy’s “Bring the Noise.” This obviously isn’t as good as the source material, and doesn’t go as far out as “Pump Up the Volume” did, but still, it’s a decent entry in its short-lived niche.
11 - “Love Changes (Everything),” Climie Fisher
The first and biggest hit by Londoners Simon and Rob was this white-soul trifle. It changed absolutely nothing.
10 - “I’m Not Scared,” Eighth Wonder
From the start, I thought this only Top Ten by the London pop group was better than I was expecting. So I look it up, and it was written and co-produced by the Pet Shop Boys. Suddenly, the evocative lyrics and confrontational attitude made sense. I like it when I find gold where I think I’ll find tin.
9 - “Never/These Dreams,” Heart
The Top Five success of “Alone” prompted a reissue of these two tracks from 1985: a rocker about the durability of a relationship, and the satin-draped, Nancy Wilson-sing ballad about nighttime fantasies. The former is okay as Corporate Heart goes. The latter blinds me with its gloss and its failure to approach the Stevie Nicksishness it aims for. But neither are “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You,” so there’s that.
8 - “I Should Be So Lucky,” Kylie Minogue
Kylie’ British debut got all the way to #1 here and kicked off her successful quest to become more than that cute girl from that Aussie soap. S/A/W give her one of their better creations, and she uses that good fortune to make a fine first impression.
7 - “Heart,” Pet Shop Boys
The Boys snagged their fourth #1 with a song they had written with Madonna in mind, but ultimately decided to keep for themselves. It’s a more straightforward pop song than they typically do, but they bring the same foreboding atmosphere, so there’s more going on here than just a love song. I don’t know if they’ll ever make the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but they belong there, without question.
6 - “Cross My Broken Heart,” Sinitta
More S/A/W, this time in the form of the third Top Ten for this Seattle-born Londoner. Thin song, thin production, thin performance. It barely exists.
5 - “Stay on These Roads,” A-ha
The Norwegians’ sixth Top Five was this power ballad with lyrics whose meaning I can’t quite interpret. I think it’s about telling someone not to give up on you even when you’re wandering away from them at the moment. It leaves me lost.
4 - “Could’ve Been,” Tiffany
Like Rick Astley, Ms. Darwish was denied back-to-back Triple Crowns by the Brits. As I’ve said before, it’s a song that probably could be good if sung by someone with more emotional vocal health.
3 - “Can I Play with Madness,” Iron Maiden
After only reaching the Top Ten once in their first eight years, the metal vets began a run of seven in a row with this tune about a young man arguing with a soothsayer about what the boy’s visions mean. It’s good, but only a 3 on the Headbangometer. And I’m still a bit disappointed that this isn’t about Bruce Dickinson asking his band mates if he can leave them for a while to join a 2-Tone ska band.
2 - “Drop the Boy,” Bros
The Goss twins’ second #2 was this dance-rocker about wanting to transition from child to adult. Apparently this means saying goodbye to the zoo and orthodontia, while embracing Ferraris and hair gel. And “jumping for joy.” This is just odd and off on multiple levels. I almost admire it for somehow succeeding this much. Almost.
And your 31-year-old #1 is...
1 - “Don’t Turn Around,” Aswad
These British reggae vets finally emerged from UB40’s shadow with this version of a Tina Turner B-side co-written by our friend Diane Warren. I’m glad for their success, but I think Ace of Base did better with it. Probably because reggae and Diane Warren aren’t exactly a natural mix.
There it goes. Next we’ll keep the tournament going as the action heats up. See you soon.
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