The OMUSURT: Round Four

So now we’re at the point where I can cover the whole field in just one post.  Just 32 songs remain in our crazy contest, and only sixteen will move on.  Are you tingling yet?  I imagine not, but still, here goes.

THE GIVE THE U.S. SOME SUGAR AWARD
“What the World Needs Now is Love/Abraham Martin and John,” Tom Clay, 1971
vs. “The Americans,” Byron MacGregor, 1974
After getting past Les Crane’s “Desiderata,” befuddling the Temptations’ “Ball of Confusion,” and marching over Coven’s “One Tin Soldier,” Clay’s plea for peace takes on MacGregor’s defence of a nation not his own, which got here by beating Gordon Sinclair’s “The Americans” at their own game, flying by Wings’ “Give Ireland Back to the Irish,” and holding down Helen Reddy’s “I Am Woman.”

Final Score: Americans 38, World 14. MacGregor’s team answered Clay’s youthful idealism by hitting hard and telling their opponents how they should appreciate the greatness of those hits.  Love turned out not to be all Abraham, Martin and John needed.

THE WHOLE LOT OF WIND BOWL
“Convention ‘72,” The Delegates, 1972
vs. “Hurricane,” Bob Dylan, 1975
After draining Dickie Goodman’s “Energy Crisis ‘74,” out-campaigning Alice Cooper’s “Elected,” and ending the journey of Charlie Daniels’ “Uneasy Rider,” The Delegates’ satirical look at American politics faces Dylan’s tale of an unjustly convicted boxer, who knocked off his own “George Jackson,” drove out Joni Mitchell’s” Big Yellow Taxi,” and survived against Rod Stewart’s “The Killing of Georgie.”

Final Score: Convention 34, Hurricane 21.  Dylan’s team had a lot of fight, but their opponents used their power and influence to convince the officials to make some questionable calls in their favour.  The Hurricane squad say they are determined to overturn this injustice, even if it takes more than a decade.  However, this tournament will be long over by then.

THE UNPLEASANT IMAGES ARE BROUGHT TO MIND BOWL
“Dueling Banjos,” Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandell, 1973
vs. “Tubular Bells,” Mike Oldfield, 1974
After plucking Henhouse Five Plus Two’s “In the Mood,” putting the heat on The Who’s “Summertime Blues,” and short circuiting Deodato’s “Also Sprach Zarathustra,” Weissberg and Mandell’s country pickfest meets Oldfield’s haunting accompaniment to demonic possession, who hobbled Frank Mills’ “Music Box Dancer,” crushed Peter Frampton’s “Do You Feel Like We Do,” and melted Hot Butter’s “Popcorn.”

Final Score: Bells 13, Banjos 10 (OT).  The goal of both teams seemed to be to intimidate their opponents into surrender: the Bells with straight-up scare tactics, the Banjos with a more deceptive approach.  The game went into overtime, and Oldfield’s team got into position for a winning field goal.  The kick was low, and one of the Duellists got his body in front of it, but the ball went through his body, killing him instantly, and as if imbued with some otherworldly power, it maintained enough momentum to rise and travel through the goalposts for the winning points. After the game, fans wondered if anyone could deliver us from the consequences of a Tubular triumph.

THE TEENAGE DIPLOMAT GETS DRAFTED BOWL
“Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy,” Bette Midler, 1973
vs. “Blinded by the Light,” Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, 1977
After outperforming Marvin Hamlisch’s “The Entertainer,” chugging past Tuxedo Junction’s “Chattanooga Choo Choo,” and boogieing by Disco Tex and his Sex-O-Lettes’ “Get Dancin’,” Midler’s take on a cool military musician matches up with the Earth Band’s serving of Springsteenian word salad, which raced past Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen’s “Hot Rod Lincoln,”
freaked out Herman Brood and His Wild Romance’s “Saturday Night,” and withheld victory from the Pipkins’ “Gimme Dat Ding.”

Final Score: Light 27, Bugle 20.  The excitement began during the pre-game introductions, as Midler’s men were led out by their exuberant horn-led team band, followed by Mann’s men coming out to the sound of their madmen drummers. The Boogie Woogie boys jumped out to a lead, but as the game went on, many of their players seemed to become ill.  It started with some very unpleasant sneezing and wheezing, and escalated to the point were by the end of the third quarter, half the team was in the dumps with the mumps.  The game was still close near the end, but after an Earth Band member delivered an unexpected hit to Midler’s quarterback’s funny bone, the war was over.

THE DEATH IN THE AIR AND BELOW THE GROUND BOWL
“D.O.A.,” Bloodrock, 1971
vs. “Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
After outlasting Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper,” outgunning Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Saturday Night Special,” and blowing past Paper Lace’s “The Night Chicago Died,” D.O.A.’s graphic depiction of a plane crash victim’s final moments goes up against The Buoys’ story of miners who go to extremes to survive, which shot down Curtis Mayfield’s “Freddie’s Dead,” sped by David Geddes’ “Run Joey Run,” and ended the championship delusions of Helen Reddy’s “Angie Baby.”

Final Score: Timothy 24, D.O.A. 23.  Two punishing attacks went at each other fiercely.  The Bloodrock gang were brutally effective but hard to watch, while the Buoys were more subtle but no less ruthless.  It was a war of attrition, but in the end, Bloodrock expired, while the Buoys found that little bit extra they needed to come out alive.

THE ANSWER ISN’T BLOWING IN THE WIND AFTER ALL BOWL
“The Lord’s Prayer,” Sister Janet Mead, 1974
vs. “Gotta Serve Somebody,” Bob Dylan, 1979
After flooding Boney M’s “Rivers of Babylon,” dazzling The Royal Scots’ Dragoon Guards “Amazing Grace,” and emerging victorious from their encounter with Murray Head’s “Superstar,” Mead’s poppy interpretation of the famed Christian plea takes on Dylan’s warning to everyone in the whole world of their inevitable choice, which brought Norman Greenbaum’s “Spirit in the Sky” back to Earth, ran out the clock on Marilyn Sellars’ “One Day at a Time,” and damned Curtis Mayfield’s “(Don’t Worry) If There’s Hell Below, We’re All Going to Go.”

Final Score: Prayer 30, Serve 16.  In the end, Sister Mead and her charges were more focused and decisive, whereas the nature of Dylan’s side, made up of disparate players from different walks of life and torn between two extremes, finally caught up with them.

THE BASEBALL AND TELECOMMUNICATIONS ARE MORE FUN THAN THEY SEEM BOWL
“Telephone Man,” Meri Wilson, 1977
vs. “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” Meat Loaf, 1978
After squashing The Who’s “Squeeze Box,” rejecting The Bellamy Brothers’ “If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body Would You Hold it Against Me,” and overturning Eric Burdon and War’s “Spill the Wine,” Wilson’s story of getting something put in for her meets Meat’s look at America’s other favourite pastime, which shut the door on Paul Nicholas’ “Heaven on the 7th Floor,” clawed past Ted Nugent’s “Cat Scratch Fever,” and left behind The Jimmy Castor Bunch’s “The Bertha Butt Boogie.”

Final Score: Dashboard 33, Telephone 20.  Meat Loaf’s herd came in knowing they had to do anything they could to score, while the Wilson team had the attitude that all they had to do was want it and they could go anywhere they wanted.  The result was that the revved-up Paradise team got their reward.  The Telephone company didn’t seem too upset about the loss, as although they remained locked in their dressing room for hours after the game, they sounded like they were quite happily getting on with their lives.

THE IT’S MY LIFE, IT’S MY WIFE BOWL
“King Heroin,” James Brown, 1972
vs. “Walk on the Wild Side,” Lou Reed, 1973
After figuring out Think’s “Once You Understand,” smoking Jim Stafford’s “Wildwood Weed,” and schooling Cheech and Chong’s “Earache My Eye Featuring Alice Bowie,” Brown’s ominous message from an opiate faces Reed’s portrait of New York scenesters, which overpowered The Village People’s “Macho Man,” exposed Tony Orlando and Dawn’s “Say, Has Anybody Seen My Sweet Gypsy Rose,” and resisted LaBelle’s “Lady Marmalade.”

Final Score: Heroin 53, Walk 3.  Brown’s team continued their reign of terror, destroying all of the hopes and dreams of their idealistic opponents.  Reed’s whole team was transformed into shadows of their former selves.  Holly looked a mess, Candy lost her head, Little Joe had given everything away, The Sugar Plum Fairy had lost her appetite, and Jackie had crashed for good.

THE CLEAN AND THE DIRTY BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs. “Funky Worm,” The Ohio Players, 1973
After dancing around Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots’ “Disco Duck,” jumping Kermit the Frog’s “The Rainbow Connection,” and toying with Red Sovine’s “Teddy Bear,” Ernie’s ode to his tubby tubmate goes up against the Players’ tune about an invertebrate who really gets down, which spooked Jim Stafford’s “Spiders and Snakes,” evaded Jack Blanchard and Misty Morgan’s “Tennessee Birdwalk,” and tamed Warren Zevon’s “Werewolves of London.”

Final Score: Duckie 45, Worm 24.  Despite the Worm team’s unrelenting ground game, they were stymied by the waterfowl, who proved elusive elusive and slippery despite the game being played in dry conditions.  The majority of the Ohio players left the stadium by bus, but their biggest star decided to take a more underground route home.

THE RAT PACK MEETS SOME OTHER RODENTS BOWL
“The Candy Man,” Sammy Davis Jr., 1972
vs. “Muskrat Love,” The Captain and Tennille, 1976
After sending home Clint Holmes’ “Playground in My Mind,” kissing off Brotherhood of Man’s “Save Your Kisses for Me,” and dismissing Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out,” Davis’ film-derived confection matches up with The Captain and Tennille’s bit of rodent romance, which ran over Loudon Wainwright’s “Dead Skunk,” burned Michael Murphey’s “Wildfire,” and devoured Dickie Goodman’s “Mr. Jaws.”

Final Score: Muskrat 24, Candy 14.  Like the Junk Food Junkies before them, Davis’s sweetness addicts learned that a high-fat, high-sugar diet was not conducive to a prolonged run of athletics success, as they crashed out to the boundlessly energetic Muskrats.  There is now growing chatter that they could go all the way...to the title.

THE NAKED HUNGER BOWL
“The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974
vs. “Rubber Biscuit,” The Blues Brothers, 1979
After exploiting John and Ernest’s “Superfly Meets Shaft,” blowing up Bazuka’s “Dynomite,” and tripping up Cheech and Chong’s “Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces,” Stevens’ depiction of exhibitionism meets The Blues Brothers’ menu of unappetizing edibles, which dethroned Steve Martin and the Toot Uncommons’ “King Tut,” dropped Harry Nilsson’s “Coconut,” and befuddled Bobby Russell’s “Saturday Morning Confusion.”

Final Score: Streak 41, Biscuit 10. Once again, the Stevens team took advantage of the freedom of movement provided by their minimalist uniforms to put on a jaw-dropping performance.  The Blues men didn’t help themselves by fumbling several times and being powerless to recover the ball, as if it were some sort of bouncy baked good.  The loss made their postgame meal of “wish sandwiches” even more depressing than usual.

THE WHO DO YOU TAKE ON AFTER YOU’VE KICKED EVERYONE ON EARTH’S ASS BOWL
“Kung Fu Fighting,” Carl Douglas, 1974
vs. “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft,” Carpenters, 1977
After chopping down Curtis Mayfield’s “Kung Fu,” sailing by The Village People’s “In the Navy,” and trimming Benny Bell’s “Shaving Cream,” Douglas’ martial-arts mover takes on the Carpenters’ shout-out to extra-terrestrial explorers, which took down Styx’ “Come Sail Away,” sent away David Bowie’s “Space Oddity,” and arrested Cledus Maggard and the Citizens’ Band’s “The White Knight.”

Final Score: Occupants 31, Fighting 28 (OT). A fierce battle between some of Earth’s most skilled fighters and the more advanced minds of their extraterrestrial opponents.  At the end of regulation time, the Kung Fu clan had a field goal attempt to win the game, but for the first time anyone could remember, they missed a kick.  From there, the Occupants closed their eyes and concentrated, and that allowed them to methodically drive themselves down the field to victory.

THE I WANNA COPY BOWL
“The Cover of the Rolling Stone,” Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show, 1973
vs. “The King is Gone,” Ronnie McDowell, 1977
After exhausting Grand Funk Railroad’s “We’re an American Band,” hanging up Jerry Corbett and Sugarloaf’s “Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You,” and wearing out Harry Chapin’s “WOLD,” Dr. Hook’s push for press faces McDowell’s Elvis eulogy, which buried The Righteous Brothers’ “Rock and Roll Heaven,” crashed Rick Nelson’s “Garden Party,” and reigned over Reunion’s “Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me).”

Final Score: King 30, Cover 17. The Medicine men came out ready for battle in their trademark embroidered jeans, and they did their best to run the plays designed by their offensive guru, but in the end, they were both outshined by both their opponents’ sequin-bedecked units and their mastery of one of the most successful song...er, playbooks ever.  Though upset by the loss, Dr. Hook and his team gamely posed for a team picture after the game.  However , at this time it is unknown how, when, and if this photo will be published.

THE QUEEN SANG ALONG WITH THE JESTER BOWL 
“American Pie,” Don McLean, 1972
vs. “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen, 1975
After turning off The Buggles’ “Video Killed the Radio Star,” shooting down Pete Wingfield’s “Eighteen with a Bullet,” and checking out the Eagles’ “Hotel California,” McLean’s abstract rock history goes up against Queen’s operatic opus, which ended John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John’s “Summer Nights,” sunk Paul and Linda McCartney’s “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey,” and out-conditioned Larry Groce’s “Junk Food Junkie.”

Final Score: Bohemian 22, American 19 (2OT) An epic struggle between two heavyweight contenders.  As expected, this contest took longer than normal to end, but finally the Queen team won on a field goal by a player who could kick like a demon.  This kicker hadn’t been used before, and hadn’t even been seen on the Queen sideline.  Some speculated that he had been put aside just for Don, for Don, for Dooooonnnnn! The only silver lining the Pie boys could take from the loss was that the game ended just in time for them to catch the last train for the coast.

THE PRODUCTS OF DIFFERENT INDUSTRIAL COMPLEXES BOWL
“The Battle Hymn of Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree,” Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973
After torpedoing Gordon Lightfoot’s “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,” conquering ABBA’s “Fernando,” and wrestling down Jerry Reed’s “Amos Moses, “ Nelson and Co.’s defense of a controversial soldier matches up with Orlando and associates tale of an anxious returning inmate, which locked down Alice Cooper’s “How You Gonna See Me Now,” put to bed Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle,” and stepped over The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band’s “Mr. Bojangles.”

Final Score: Calley 35, Ribbon 14.  Army strength conquered prison hardening in this matchup.  Again, C Company showed that they would do anything it took to win, no matter what anyone thought of them, which gave them an edge over Dawn, who were very concerned about the perception of others.  Fortunately, it had been reported that they received visible proof of their fans’ continued devotion when their team buss arrived in their home town.

THE UNAPPRECIATED AND MISUNDERSTOOD WOMEN BOWL
“Swamp Witch,” Jim Stafford, 1973
 vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
After gaming the Alan Parsons Project’s “(The System of) Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether,” outduelling The Charlie Daniels Band’s “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” and raining on Donna Summer’s “MacArthur Park,” Stafford’s tale of white magic takes on Dean’s list of debts to his mother, which cashed in on Melba Montgomery’s “No Charge,” shut the gate on David Geddes’ “The Last Game of The Season (A Blind Man in the Bleachers),” and shredded Clarence Carter’s “Patches.”

Final Score: I.O.U. 45, Witch 17.  The magic ran out for Stafford, whose team wasn’t able to overpower a team motivated by the woman who literally gave them life.  The Swampies returned to the Black Bayou, and have not been heard from since.  Attempts to track them down to their home base have been yielded nothing but abandoned sites and cryptic notes.

So we’re left with a Sweet 16 of strangeness.  But before we see the next round of titanic clashes, we have to go back to Britain.  See you there soon.