April 1982. Britain went to war with Argentina over the Falkland Islands. While they were tightening their hold on one part of the Empire, they were loosening their grip on another, as the Queen returned Canada’s constitution to Ottawa. But the sun never sets on the charts, so here’s one from then.
40 - “Promised You a Miracle,” Simple Minds
The Glasgow band’s U.K. breakthrough was this sparkling synthpopper about trying to keep the magic of love alive through life’s challenges. It’s a song I can relate to more now than I could when I first heard it, and as such it has risen a lot in my esteem.
39 - “Memory,” Barbra Streisand
Babs’ version of the achingly reflective showpiece ballad from the musical Cats was produced by Andrew Lloyd Webber himself, and he broke out all the bells and whistles to set her up to make it the diva exercise it was always meant to be. It’s Streisand distilled. I’m sure superfans have this on all their playlists, and haters cringe at the first note. I’m in the middle. Yes, we exist.
38 - “Go Wild in the Country,” Bow Wow Wow
Our second encounter with the Malcolm McLaren protégés biggest hit. Sill a fun, raucous call to get back to nature. I love it, but I’m not living it.
37 - “Stone Cold,” Rainbow
The sixth and last Top 40 for Ritchie Blackmore’s post-Deep Purple band was this midtempo rocker about an uncaring but addictive lover. It’s very evocative of Blackmore’s old band, with echoes of Foreigner. Not bad.
36 - “Your Honour,” Pluto Shervington
Six years after “Dat,” Jamaican Shervington picked up another hit with a 1975 track about a man on trial for being found in the closet of another man’s bedroom, presumably to try and avoid being caught committing adultery with the other man’s wife. The plaintiff insist he couldn’t have been touching the woman, because his two hands were full; one was holding his shirt, the other his pants. Despite also claiming that both the wife and the downstairs maid could vouch for him, he was convicted and put in jail, where he has the cheek to ask the guard to smuggle in a woman for him the next time he brings dinner. The more elaborate and much funnier precursor to “It Wasn’t Me,” and a worthy reason to dust off the Uneasy Rider.
35 - “Mickey,” Toni Basil
Nearly two decades after kicking off her showbiz career by appearing in movies starring Elvis and the Rat Pack in the same year, Philly native Antonia Basilotta had her big culture moment with this mind-blowing, chant-fuelled Racey cover that is now firmly in the bubblegum pop canon. Britain got it first, but they were also the ones who held it just short of a Triple Crown, so they get a mixed grade.
34 - “Freeze-Frame,” The J. Geils Band
The second and final Brit hit for these Bostonians was this rocker full of photography metaphors. Where previous hit “Centrefold” was a glossy, magazine-cover quality glamour shot, this is like a really good amateur snap, suitable for display on one’s desk at work. Both have their appeal.
33 -“Party Fears Two,” The Associates
The first and biggest hit for these Scots was this wailed New Romantic track that seems to be about a person who gets increasingly unpleasant the more alcohol he consumes. This one doesn’t do it for me. The vocals are just too distracting.
32 - “Cat People (Putting Out Fire),” David Bowie
Bowie teamed with producer Giorgio Moroder on this theme to a film about sex and violence among werecats. It projects a suitably sultry vibe, but it’s a minor page in Davey Boy’s catalogue. What strikes me more is yet another reminder that the early 80s were the pinnacle of unorthodox sexual obsession in mainstream Hollywood movies.
31 - “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” Tight Fit
Another reminder that the group assembled for this #1 Tokens/Solomon Linda cover was entirely different than the one that recorded the previous year’s Top Five medley “Back to the Sixties.” And that’s still more interesting than anything about this track.
30 - “Iron Fist,” Motörhead
Lemmy and co.’s seventh and final first-release Top 40 was this speedy slammer about a powerful demon on a flying horse. Yes, of course it rates a concussive 5 on the Headbangometer. My brain is still rattling.
29 - “Are You Lonesome Tonight (Laughing Version),” Elvis Presley
This is a 1969 version of his classic ballad, recorded live in Las Vegas. But as the subtitle would suggest, it’s hardly straightforward. First, Elvis jokingly changes a lyric in the first verse to “Do you gaze at your bald head and wish you had hair.” Then during the dramatic spoken word bridge, he starts cracking up and never regains composure for the duration of the song. The reason? Apparently, he was amused by backing singer Cissy “Whitney’s Mom” Houston, whose wails honestly did sound like a poorly played musical saw. I get that. But I also think that the Jordanaires had several worse performances. Why do they sound like dying cats on “White Christmas?” Anyway, this is a fun little curiosity.
28 - “Ever So Lonely,” Monsoon
This trio fronted by Londoner Sheila Chandra had their biggest hit with this melding of New Wave and Indian instrumentation. It’s an excellent blend, like butter chicken on poutine, my co-favourite (with pulled pork) at New York Fries. Because you needed to know that.
27 - “Poison Arrow,” ABC
The slickly wonderful first Top Ten for the Sheffielders. Not much more to say except it hits it’s target dead centre.
26 - “House on Fire,” The Boomtown Rats
The final Top 40 for the Geldof gang was this horn-heavy ska-reggae number on which Sir Bob does a cod-Jamaican accent while bragging about how well he gets along with Tarzan, the devil, and some girl named Louise. It was clearly time for all involved to move on.
25 - “This Time (We’ll Get it Right),” England World Cup Squad
After missing the Finals in ‘74 and ‘78, the national football team qualified for the 1982 tournament in Spain, which gave the boys (including past hitmaker Kevin Keegan and future chart-botherer Glenn Hoddle) reason to get together with Smokie’s Chris Norman to record this pub singalong that eventually reached #2. The lyrics are all about their pride in representing their country and their determination to win the trophy once again. And in Spain, they started very well with three straight first-round wins. But two scoreless second round draws against the hosts and West Germany ended their quest. The wait for a bookend to 1966 continues to this day.
24 - “Really Saying Something,” Bananarama with Fun Boy Three
The female vocal trio’s second and last Top Five with a triumvirate of exiles from the Specials was this funk wave cover of a 1964 single by minor Motown act the Velvelettes. More than previous collaboration “It Ain’t What You Do, It’s the Way That You Do It,” this set the template for the ‘Rama’s future hit run.
23 - “Quiereme Mucho (Yours),” Julio Iglesias
The Spanish lothario’s second Top Five here was this version of a 1910s composition about love and longing. More of the kind of watered-down tango tosh that made him a hit with fortysomething housewives. But good for him, and them. Everyone needs their own pop idols.
22 - “A Bunch of Thyme,” Foster and Allen
The first of two hits for this Irish guitar/accordion duo was this old timey folk number about how young maidens should remain virgins, unlike this one slut they know who had sex with a sailor who gave her syphilis. They wrap it up in flowery metaphor, but that’s what their saying. I’m sure there are people who would enthusiastically hire these guys as sex education teachers, but to me, this is a poisonous waste of thyme. I was hoping that Helen Reddy would show up halfway through and kick them both in the balls.
21 - “The Damned Don’t Cry,” Visage
The fourth hit for the synth duo was this track about being lonely and miserable, but fabulously so. They were forming the template that New Order and Depeche Mode would follow, and this shows how fully-formed the formula already was.
In Part Two: letters, pictures, and a sack of pork.
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