April 1983. A year after the sex comedy Porky’s became a surprise blockbuster, Canada’s film industry tried to keep up the momentum by releasing Losin’ It. While it grossed less than 1% of what the adventures of Pee-Wee, Meat, and Beulah Balbricker did, it lives on as an Easter egg on the IMDB pages of Shelley Long and Tom Cruise. Meanwhile, our music charts had much less nudity, but let’s look at them anyway.
49 - “The One Thing,” INXS
Their first Top 40 in North America was this slinky rocker about a sexy lady. It makes an great impression, even without the video featuring sexy models and cats on Valium. They were already living up to their name.
46 - “Sign of the Times,” Men’s Room (CanCon!)
This female trio, which included previous CanCon stars Charity Brown and Cherill Rae, scored their one hit with this cover of a Belle Stars U.K. Top Five. Great song, but a much inferior version. Flushable.
45 - “Tears on Your Anorak,” Drivers
Four years before inflicting “(I Just) Died in Your Arms” on an undiscriminating world, Aussie Nick Van Eede led a band that scored a hit way up here with this punk-popper about discovering a cheating lover. It’s solid, boppy pleasure that deserved to be bigger and wider. I begrudge him his Cutting Crew success a little less now.
41 - “Mexican Radio,” Wall of Voodoo
This L.A. band created an odd fusion of New Wave and 60s Western scores on this well-remembered track that saw its best chart action up here, where it reached the Top Twenty. It’s about the joys of listening to powerful “border blaster” stations that targeted American listeners in such a way that apparently made singer Stan Ridgway legendarily long to eat barbecued iguana in Tijuana. A classic of alternative rock before that was even a thing. I’m proud we gave this some chart justice.
40 - “Sheriff,” The Tenants (CanCon!)
This Scarborough band’s only hit was this ska-reggae tune about, appropriately enough given the band’s name, being unable to pay rent and dodging authority to avoid eviction. You can hear a lot of the Police on this, but they have enough of a flavour of their own to not be mere pretenders.
37 - “Human Race,” Red Rider (CanCon!)
Tom Cochrane’s crew had their third hit with this slick rocker about not giving up after a romantic setback. Dark and serious-sounding, as they generally were before Tommy got top billing.
33 - “Everytime I See Your Picture,” Luba (CanCon!)
Ms. Kowalchyk’s first hit was this stark power ballad about being haunted by an ex’s memory. The lyrics spell out the symptoms and the consequences unflinchingly, and Luba belts them with conviction. I’m not sure how this didn’t cross over to be a hit in the States. Maybe if an American DJ had stumbled upon it in 1989 it could have done so. It could have happen, as we’ll soon see.
31 - “Danseparc (Every Day It’s Tomorrow),” Martha and the Muffins (CanCon!)
The Torontoninans’ third hit was this stuttery New Waver about life and love in the big city. This wouldn’t hit the heights of “Echo Beach,” but it’s still an understated gem that shows off the potential of its co-producer, future U2 board-manner Daniel Lanois.
30 - “When I’m With You,” Sheriff (CanCon!)
This Toronto band’s second hit was this sappy-ass power ballad. It got to the Top Ten here, and made it to #61 in the USA. That would have been it, but in the wake of the DJ-powered relaunch of UB40’s “Red Red Wine” in late 1988, American jocks were searching for “lost” singles from earlier in the decade, and a Las Vegas jock added it and started it on its way to #1 six years after its debut. To my ears, it had somehow gotten worse with time, and it’s still awful. I really do hope there’s a parallel universe where it switches fates with “Everytime I See Your Picture.”
26 - “Who Knows How to Make Love Stay,” Doug and the Slugs (CanCon!)
The second hit for the Vancouver band was this retro-tinged pop rocker about trying to make romance last. I continue to assert that Doug Bennett is the Avro Arrow version of Huey Lewis: something we perfected that America tried to replicate but fell a bit short.
24 - “Sex (I’m a...),” Berlin
The L.A. New Wavers made their first impact with this frankly carnal synth-rocker that was essentially the next step up from “Love to Love You Baby.” But apparently the conservatism that prompted the rise of Reagan bled onto pop radio, because this only reached #62 in America. However, in a country still run by Pierre “The state has no place in the bedrooms of the nation” Trudeau, Terri Nunn’s moans and her hints of being into prostitution and bisexuality were able to reach the Top Five. Though at the time the song didn’t reach my ears until it was included in a polka medley on a Weird Al Yankovic album the next year. It’s a song you may not approve of, but you cannot deny it does what it wants to do as well as could be. Forget that Top Gun mush; this is the one that will really take your breath away.
22 - “Shy Boy,” Bananarama
The London girls’ first Fun Boy Three-less hit at home also got to the Top Ten in the former Dominion. A slightly better riff on the theme the Pointer Sisters’ covered a couple years before on “He’s So Shy.” It does make me feel good.
Top Ten coming, hide your heart, girl.
10 - “Beat It,” Michael Jackson
His first stab at hard rock only went to #3 in Britain, in yet another Triple Crown denial. Apparently, Eddie Van Halen did his solo for free. No one gives me gifts like that.
9 - “One on One,” Daryl Hall and John Oates
The Philly duo’s slick seduction ballad was a cross-border Top Ten. The musical equivalent of a well-stroked sixteen-foot jump shot.
8 - “Midnight Blue,” Louise Tucker
British mezzo-soprano Tucker teamed up with producers Tim Smit and Charlie Skarbek (the latter of whom shares lead vocals) on this Vangelisesque synth ballad which adds lyrics to a Beethoven sonata. It missed the Top 40 in both the U’s, but we made it a Top Ten for some reason. I can’t endorse our decision.
7 - “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me,” Culture Club
This time it was America denying the Triple Crown. A really big misstep. This is one of the greatest calling cards of any group ever.
6 - “Jeopardy,” The Greg Kihn Band
The San Franciscans biggest hit. Still lives in the shadow of Weird Al and the game show, but it deserves props for being fantastic, danceable pub rock. Don’t Kihntinue to overlook it.
5 - “Back on the Chain Gang,” Pretenders
The pinnacle of Chrissie Hynde’s songwriting. An amazing encapsulation of frustration and regret. And it was North America that made it Top Five, not Britain. A nice taste victory for the former colonies.
4 - “Hungry Like The Wolf,” Duran Duran
Only we made this a #1. And I bought the single, so I am truly a part of that we. This is New Wave Rock perfection. The drums, the guitars, the synths, Simon Le Bon convincingly portraying a primal carnal predator, it’s all brilliant.
3 - “Billie Jean,” Michael Jackson
Obviously a Triple Crown winner, obviously a game changer in so many ways, and obviously the work of a...complicated person. The only possibly original thing I could say would be to question how and why “dancing on the floor in the round” came to be a sex euphemism.
2 - “She Blinded Me with Science,” Thomas Dolby
Another one we alone took to the top. Another point of national pride. And it only made #49 in Britain. Explain that, science!
1 - “Mr. Roboto,” Styx
The Bob Seger of Chicago also benefited from our generosity, as this effort to surf on the New Wave was #1 here only. And Britain really dissed it, holding it to #90. Perhaps it was too modrin for them
We return to Britain next time. See you then.
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