The OMUSURT: Quarterfinals

We’ve arrived at the Uneasy Eight. All of these songs have proved their oddness against a gauntlet of curiosities.  But which of them will go one step further? Time to find out.

THE DON’T DEMONIZE ME BRO BOWL
“The Americans,” Byron MacGregor, 1974
vs. “Tubular Bells,” Mike Oldfield, 1974
HOW THEY GOT HERE 
THE AMERICANS
Chart Peak: 4
Round 1: Defeated “The Americans” 50-30 (He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother, Even Though He Spells Neighbour Without the U Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Give Ireland Back to the Irish” 45-12 (Opinionated Outsider Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “I Am Woman” 42-21 (Hear Them Roar Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “What the World Needs Now is Love/Abraham, Martin and John” 38-14 (Give the U.S. Some Sugar Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “Convention ‘72” 31-24 (Yankee Doodle Dandies Bowl)

TUBULAR BELLS 
Chart Peak: 7
Round 1: Defeated “Music Box Dancer” 66-3 (Spinning Your Head, And Optionally, The Rest of Your Body Around Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Do You Feel Like We Do” 54-3 (Pazuzu Comes Alive Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Popcorn” 20-19 (Cinema Concession Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Dueling Banjos” 13-10 (OT) (Unpleasant Images are Brought to Mind Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “Blinded by the Light” 24-14 (Who Made the Calliope Crash to the Ground Bowl) 

First Half: The Americans scored points by generously spreading the ball around.  The Bells may not have appreciated that sort of teamwork, but they weren’t able to stop them for much of the half.  The more selfish Oldfield team had most of the possession, but while they were spectacularly, they were inefficient and sloppy.

Halftime Score: Americans 21, Bells 10.

Second Half:  MacGregor’s team continued with the same approach, and it remained effective until they seemed to run out of steam in the last few minutes,  However, they had built up enough of a lead that even a last desperate effort to avoid being driven out of the tournament fell short.  One of the Bells players did appear to be about to recover a late onside kick, but the ball suddenly flew away from him and all the way out of the stadium, where it exploded into a cloud of sulphur and black flies.  The Americans were able to take a knee and run out the clock, and strangely, the entire team remained on their knees as their opponents ran out of the stadium, apparently looking for a new tournament to enter.

Final Score: Americans 38, Bells 31.  A dark cloud has been lifted from the tournament, and the most passionate defense in this competition moves on.  They are earning more respect all the time, although grudgingly.  But will respect be enough to take them all the way?

THE THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T PUT IN YOUR BODY BOWL 
“Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
vs. “King Heroin,” James Brown, 1972
HOW THEY GOT HERE
TIMOTHY
Chart Peak: 17
Round 1: Defeated “Freddie’s Dead” 49-10 (The Dead Men Had Names Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Run Joey Run” 55-6 (God What Did They Do Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Angie Baby” 63-56 (Mysterious Disappearance Bowl
Round 4: Defeated “D.O.A.” 24-23 (Death in the Air and Below the Ground Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “The Lord’s Prayer,” 14-7 (Praying for Rescue Bowl)

KING HEROIN
Chart Peak: 40
Round 1: Defeated “Once You Understand” 35-34 (Smack is Wack Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Wildwood Weed” 56-7 (Needle in a...I Don’t Think That’s a Stack of Hay Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Earache My Eye Featuring Alice Bowie 56-3 (Smack Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Walk on the Wild Side” 53-3 (It’s My Life, It’s My Wife Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” 31-19 (Sex or Drugs Bowl)

First Half: Heroin made their presence felt early, and took over the first quarter.  But Timothy’s team seemed to find ways to get out of the grasp of the Brown defenders.  But when the break came, they still found themselves buried quite deep, and it was thought that drastic measures would have to be taken to escape with victory.

Halftime Score: Heroin 28, Timothy 10.

Second Half: The Timothy team emerged from the locker room.  At least most of them.  A few players did not come out for the rest of the game, and were not seen afterward, although no one saw them leave.  But the remaining squad seemed shot full of energy and strength, and they were able to throw off the tenacious tackles of their opponents on multiple occasions, including on the fourth-and-goal run that produced the tying touchdown just as regulation time expired.

End of Regulation: Heroin 31, Timothy 31

Overtime:  Brown’s team won the toss and elected to receive.  The Buoys knew the danger of trying to kick to Heroin, so they went for an onside kick and, against the odds, recovered.  They took over knowing that they would have to go through hell to get away from their dangerous opposition, but the Timothys didn’t seem fazed by that, as if they’d been in much tougher situations.  They knew what they had to do to survive, and they did it, methodically driving their way to paydirt and the game-winning touchdown.

Final Score: Timothy 37, Heroin 31 (OT) We say good by to King Heroin and their white horse mascot, whom fans were warned not to touch. Their winning habit was finally broken.  But the Buoys continue to find ways to get out of even the most impossible-looking situations, and they will carry on.  How many more great escapes do they have in them?

THE BIRTHDAY SUIT BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs. “The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974
HOW THEY GOT HERE 
RUBBER DUCKIE 
Chart Peak: 16
Round 1: Defeated “Disco Duck” 35-21 (Quack Attack Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Rainbow Connection” 21-17 (Jim Henson Memorial Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Teddy Bear” 28-6 (Toy Animals Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Funky Worm” 45-24 (The Clean and the Dirty Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “Muskrat Love” 28-21 (Fowl Rodents Bowl)

THE STREAK 
Chart Peak: 1
Round 1: Defeated “Superfly Meets Shaft” 45-3 (Naked Blaxploitation Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Dynomite” 55-0 (Making a Wave When You Can Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces” 33-31 (Too Many Balls on the Court Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Rubber Biscuit” 41-10 (Naked Hunger Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft” 14-0 (Unusual Sightings Bowl)

First Half: Both teams came out dressed, or rather undressed, for an occasion other than a football game.  But when it kicked off, it was clear that Ernie’s team were focused on a goal, while the Streakers just wanted to show off.  And when Ray’s team did try to concentrate, the Duckies proved elusive, bouncing off tacklers and always managing to slip away.  

Halftime Score: Duckie 27, Streak 0.

Second Half: The play was a little more even, but the Rubber men were still clearly the better team, playing very cleanly in a way that their opponents could not cope with.  A late run to daylight by Streak cheerleader-turned-player Ethel prevented a shutout.

Final Score: Duckie 44, Streak 7.  For much of the tournament, it seemed like the Streak team were beyond embarrassment, but they ran into an opponent that was more amused than shocked by their approach and were forced to walk away with their, um, tails between their legs.  And Rubber Duckie continues to bathe in the spotlight of the tournament.  Will they continue to clean up all the way to the end?

THE YOU JUST KILLED A MAN? HOLD MY BEER BOWL
“The Battle Hymn of Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen, 1975
HOW THEY GOT HERE 
THE BATTLE HYMN OF LT. CALLEY
Chart Peak: 37
Round 1: Defeated “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” 51-19 (Real Life Mass Death Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Fernando” 49-0 (What Did You Do in the War Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Amos Moses” 42-13 (Shoot the Gator, Ask Questions Later Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree” 35-21 (Products of Different Industrial Complexes Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “I.O.U.” 17-14 (Mom and the Army Bowl)

BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
Chart Peak: 9
Round 1: Defeated “Summer Nights” 40-13 (Big Production Number Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey” 49-10 (We’re So Sorry We Just Killed a Man Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Junk Food Junkie” 55-3 (I See a Little Silhouette of a Can of Dr. Pepper Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “American Pie” 22-19 (2OT) (The Queen Sang Along with the Jester Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “The King is Gone,” 30-10 (Ruling Couple Bowl)

First Half: The two teams spent the first quarter proving to each other how dangerous they could be, with a slight edge to the Bohemians.  But in the second quarter, the Calley defense stepped up big time, while the Queen team seemed to lose steam, seemingly waiting for the break to recharge and come out fighting in the second half.

Halftime Score: Calley 13, Bohemian 7. 

 Second Half:  The Rhapsody came out of the locker room with fire and fury, storming their opponents at a furious pace.  Both teams scored touchdowns on their first posessions, but Queen kept coming, setting C Company back on their heels, doing little on offense while their defense tried desperately to hang on.  In the end, the Lieutenant’s platoon lost the battle.

Final Score: Bohemian 31, Calley 20.  Many observers considered this an upset, as they were certain that military discipline could not be defeated by anyone in this tournament, and certainly not a bunch of ostentatious Brits.  And losing coach Terry Nelson did not take the loss well, blaming it on fans who questioned their tactics, people who didn’t even think they should be in the tournament, and anyone who’s never been in combat.  But none of that matters.  Some would even say that nothing really matters.  Regardless, Queen’s procession moves on to the semifinals.

Down to the Final Four.  Just two steps away from determining the Uneasiest Rider of all.  But before that, we go back to Britain. Hop across the pond with me then, won’t you?