We’re down to 16. I wouldn’t call all of them sweet, but they’re definitely special, given the competition they’ve survived to be here. No lightweight oddities here. Let’s see who comes out of these epic battles.
THE YANKEE DOODLE DANDIES BOWL
“Convention ‘72,” The Delegates, 1972
vs. “The Americans,” Byron MacGregor, 1974
HOW THEY GOT HERE
CONVENTION ‘72
Chart Peak: 8
Round 1: Defeated “Energy Crisis ‘74” 72-10 (Nixon Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Elected” 38-23 (Democratic Process Bowl
Round 3: Defeated “Uneasy Rider” 41-24 (Divided States of America Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Hurricane” 34-21 (Whole Lot of Wind Bowl)
THE AMERICANS
Chart Peak: 4
Round 1: Defeated “The Americans” 50-30 (He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother, Even Though He Spells Neighbour Without the U Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Give Ireland Back to the Irish” 45-12 (Opinionated Outsider Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “I Am Woman” 42-21 (Hear Them Roar Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “What the World Needs Now is Love/Abraham, Martin and John” 38-14 (Give the U.S. Some Sugar Bowl)
Final Score: Americans 31, Convention 24. A riveting contest between two teams that comedian with flag-waving enthusiasm. The Delegates once again tried to prevail with their questionable tactics, but MacGregor’s team always seemed to have reinforcements to rush in and counter with a big play to save the day. The Americans proudly march into the quarters, but they seem to have a chip on their shoulder, believing that they don’t get enough love from tournament watchers around the world. Will that change? And if it doesn’t, will it matter?
THE WHO MADE THE CALLIOPE CRASH TO THE GROUND BOWL
“Tubular Bells,” Mike Oldfield, 1974
vs. “Blinded by the Light,” Manfred Mann’ Earth Band, 1977
HOW THEY GOT HERE
TUBULAR BELLS
Chart Peak: 7
Round 1: Defeated “Music Box Dancer” 66-3 (Spinning Your Head, And Optionally, The Rest of Your Body Around Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Do You Feel Like We Do” 54-3 (Pazuzu Comes Alive Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Popcorn” 20-19 (Cinema Concession Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Dueling Banjos” 13-10 (OT) (Unpleasant Images are Brought to Mind Bowl)
BLINDED BY THE LIGHT
Chart Peak: 1
Round 1: Defeated “Hot Rod Lincoln” 41-16 (Go-Kart Mozart Should Have Been in That Race Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Saturday Night” 3-0 (forfeit) (But Mama, That’s Where the Fun Is Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Gimme Dat Ding” 49-31 (What Good’s a Metronome When the Calliope Crashes to the Ground Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy” 27-20 (Teenage Diplomat Gets Drafted Bowl)
Final Score: Bells 24, Light 14. This was a matchup between the forceful approach of Oldfield, whose team plays like they’re possessed by who knows what, and the cerebral strategy of Mr. Mann, who looks to confuse opponents with unusual play calls. On this day, it was the Tubular team that prevailed. The key play happened in the fourth quarter, when the Earth Band quarterback inexplicably, and and against the wishes of his mother, looked into the eyes of the sun. He was blinded by the light, which caused him to drop the football. A Bells defender picked it up and was in the end zone with the game-clinching touchdown before anyone knew it was happening. So Oldfield’s squad moves on. Many observers report having a gut feeling that a Tubular triumph would have dire consequences far beyond the tournament, and reportedly, even the Vatican has taken an interest, vowing to send an observer to the quarterfinals to assess the threat and deal with it accordingly.
THE PRAYING FOR RESCUE BOWL
“Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
vs. “The Lord’s Prayer,” Sister Janet Mead, 1974
HOW THEY GOT HERE
TIMOTHY
Chart Peak: 17
Round 1: Defeated “Freddie’s Dead” 49-10 (The Dead Men Had Names Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Run Joey Run” 55-6 (God What Did They Do Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Angie Baby” 63-56 (Mysterious Disappearance Bowl
Round 4: Defeated “D.O.A.” 24-23 (Death in the Air and Below the Ground Bowl)
THE LORD’S PRAYER
Chart Peak: 4
Round 1: Defeated “Rivers of Babylon” 59-13 (Straight Outta the Bible Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Amazing Grace” 24-23 (Hallelujah Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Superstar” via disqualification (Father and Son Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Gotta Serve Somebody” 30-16 (The Answer Isn’t Blowing in the Wind After All Bowl)
Final Score: Timothy 14, Prayer 7. One team came in feeling like victory was a matter of life and death, while the other seemed to play with faith that as long as they stayed true to the game plan, the right result would be achieved. The last play was, appropriately, a Hail Mary pass by the Mead team. A miracle seemed possible when the ball was deflected in the end zone, and it seemed like a receiver who was trailing the play had run a route that would have positioned him perfectly to make the catch. But mysteriously, that receiver wasn’t there to prevent the ball from falling harmlessly to the ground. In fact, he was nowhere to be found on the field, and he still hasn’t been located. Asked about it after the game, the Buoys’ coach said he had no idea what would have happened to the poor soul. The other takeaway from the coach’s press conference was that he was wiping his mouth and licking his lips all the way through it for some reason.
THE SEX OR DRUGS BOWL
“King Heroin,” James Brown, 1972
vs. “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” Meat Loaf, 1978
HOW THEY GOT HERE
KING HEROIN
Chart Peak: 40
Round 1: Defeated “Once You Understand” 35-34 (Smack is Wack Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Wildwood Weed” 56-7 (Needle in a...I Don’t Think That’s a Stack of Hay Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Earache My Eye Featuring Alice Bowie 56-3 (Smack Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Walk on the Wild Side” 53-3 (It’s My Life, It’s My Wife Bowl)
PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT
Chart Peak: 39
Round 1: Defeated “Heaven on the 7th Floor” 56-0 (Sex in Different Kinds of Cars Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Cat Scratch Fever” 42-6 (It Came Upon Me Like a Tidal Wave Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “The Bertha Butt Boogie” 28-14 (Gonna Go All the Way Tonight Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Telephone Man” 33-20 (Baseball and Telecommunications are More Fun Than They Seem Bowl)
Final Score: Heroin 31, Paradise 19. The question going in was whether the Brown team could win yet again by wearing down their opponent into submission, especially one as ready for action as the Dashboard club. In the first half, it looked like that strategy wouldn’t work, as Meat Loaf’s kids were lustily dominating the game. But after the break, the tide turned. The pack from Paradise were suddenly desperate to score, but they just couldn’t achieve the thrills they did before. And their placekicker, who had made four field goals in the first half, was suddenly powerless to kick. By the end of the game, they had thoroughly surrendered to the Kings. But the Light brigade seemed strangely relieved by the loss, and they quickly changed and left the stadium, all in separate cars going in different directions.
THE FOWL RODENTS BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs. “Muskrat Love,” The Captain and Tennille, 1976
HOW THEY GOT HERE
RUBBER DUCKIE
Chart Peak: 16
Round 1: Defeated “Disco Duck” 35-21 (Quack Attack Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Rainbow Connection” 21-17 (Jim Henson Memorial Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Teddy Bear” 28-6 (Toy Animals Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Funky Worm” 45-24 (The Clean and the Dirty Bowl)
MUSKRAT LOVE
Chart Peak: 4
Round 1: Defeated “Dead Skunk” 6-0 (Rodents Both Alive and Dead Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Wildfire” 35-13 (Love and Death in the Animal Kingdom Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Mr. Jaws” 20-14 (Eatin’ and Matin’ Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “The Candy Man” 24-14 (The Rat Pack Meets Some Other Rodents Bowl)
Final Score: Duckie 28, Muskrat 21. A team that can bounce off tacklers and plays well in wet conditions met a side that likes to whirl and twirl. Strangely, both teams employed tickling at different points of the game. Some observers thought the players got too cute with each other. But the end result was a victory for Ernie’s feathered friends, who played clean throughout, where their opponents got a little naughty at the end and paid the price for it. But it seemed the Muskrats took the loss well, as observers near their locker room door reported smelling bacon, cheese, and another unidentified yet potent aroma.
THE UNSUAL SIGHTINGS BOWL
“The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974
vs. “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft,” Carpenters, 1977
HOW THEY GOT HERE
THE STREAK
Chart Peak: 1
Round 1: Defeated “Superfly Meets Shaft” 45-3 (Naked Blaxploitation Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Dynomite” 55-0 (Making a Wave When You Can Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces” 33-31 (Too Many Balls on the Court Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Rubber Biscuit” 41-10 (Naked Hunger Bowl)
CALLING OCCUPANTS OF INTERPLANETARY CRAFT
Chart Peak: 32
Round 1: Defeated “Come Sail Away” 62-6 (Space Invaders Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Space Oddity” 35-20 (Why Go to Them When They’ll Come to Us Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “The White Knight” 37-31 (OT) (What’s Your 20 Saucer Jockey Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Kung Fu Fighting” 31-28 (OT) (Who Do You Take On When You’ve Kicked Everyone on Earth’s Ass Bowl)
Final Score: Streak 14, Occupants 0. This game was called after less than a quarter when the Carpenters’ team left the field and immediately departed the stadium after two early Streak touchdowns. Apparently, the Occupants had experienced many new and strange sights in their long journey through the tournament, but the sight of Stevens’ players in their uniforms (or lack thereof) and the challenge of trying to make tackles while avoiding certain anatomical features proved too much for them to deal with. The Interplanetary delegation has reportedly returned from whence they came, and they have asked not to be disturbed by anyone from this part of the universe for the indefinite future.
THE RULING COUPLE BOWL
“Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen, 1975
vs. “The King is Gone,” Ronnie McDowell, 1977
HOW THEY GOT HERE
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
Chart Peak: 9
Round 1: Defeated “Summer Nights” 40-13 (Big Production Number Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey” 49-10 (We’re So Sorry We Just Killed a Man Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Junk Food Junkie” 55-3 (I See a Little Silhouette of a Can of Dr. Pepper Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “American Pie” 22-19 (2OT) (The Queen Sang Along with the Jester Bowl)
THE KING IS GONE
Chart Peak: 13
Round 1: Defeated “Rock n’Roll Heaven” 42-27 (Hell of a Band Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Garden Party” 35-21 (50s Heartthrobs Living and Dead Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me)” 45-16 (Elvis Meets Nixon...’s Last Days as President Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “The Cover of the Rolling Stone” 30-17 (I Wanna Copy Bowl)
Final Score: Rhapsody 30, King 10. People wondered if and when an opponent would come along with a game plan so original and effective that it would overcome McDowell and his well-worn yet proven playbook. That time came here, as the Bohemians won comfortably due to their ability to change the tempo of the game at will and their imperviousness to varying wind directions. The King has left the tournament. Long live the Queen.
THE MOM AND THE ARMY BOWL
“The Battle Hymn of Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
HOW THEY GOT HERE
THE BATTLE HYMN OF LT. CALLEY
Chart Peak: 37
Round 1: Defeated “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” 51-19 (Real Life Mass Death Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Fernando” 49-0 (What Did You Do in the War Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Amos Moses” 42-13 (Shoot the Gator, Ask Questions Later Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree” 35-21 (Products of Different Industrial Complexes Bowl)
I.O.U.
Chart Peak: 35
Round 1: Defeated “No Charge” 27-10 (Don’t Take Your Mama for Granted Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “The Last Game of the Season (A Blind Man in the Bleachers)” 26-21 (Hi Mom/Dad Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Patches” 24-13 (Dependence Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Swamp Witch” 45-17 (Unappreciated and Misunderstood Women Bowl)
Final Score: Hymn 17, I.O.U. 14. Patriotism and motherhood have both proven to be powerful motivators, and those inspirations continued to power these teams, resulting in a close contest that was in doubt all the way. In the end, C Company was just willing to do things that their opponents wouldn’t even dream of to win a football game. There were no hard feelings afterward, however. In fact, the losing side’s owner invited the winners to their locker room, where he served up enough sausage to feed an army.
So now eight songs remain. There’s patriotism and nihilism, innovation and tradition, novelty and dead seriousness. A case should be made for any one of them winning the whole thing. But before we continued our journey to finding that out, we’ll be returning to Britain. Be here for that, if you will.
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