The third quarter of the draw. Kids, animals, food, sports, jobs, aliens, and more.
THE PINA COLADA OR DOM PERIGNON BOWL
“Your Bulldog Drinks Champagne,” Jim Stafford, 1975
vs. “Werewolves of London,” Warren Zevon, 1978
Stafford’s #24 about an alcoholic anime versus Zevon’s #21 about British lycanthropes.
Final Score: Werewolves 34, Bulldog 28. A close contest, but in the end, prematurely dipping into the celebratory postgame bubbly started to take its toll on the Stafford squad, and Zevon’s team clawed their way to a victory. They earned their beef chow mein.
THE DID HE GET UP EARLY ENOUGH BOWL
“Tennessee Birdwalk,” Jack Blanchard and Misty Morgan, 1970
vs. “Funky Worm,” The Ohio Players, 1973
A #23 country tune about defective birds meets a #15 funk tune about a truly earthy musician.
Final Score: Worm 45, Birdwalk 6. The Ohio boys just had too much funk for the grounded, directionally challenged Tennessee contingent. And much to the relief of their star player’s manager, the Worm team were indeed paid for their efforts.
THE EAT THE DISHES FOR ME BOWL
“The Candy Man,” Sammy Davis Jr., 1972
vs. “Save Your Kisses for Me,” Brotherhood of Man, 1976
The Rat Packer’s #1 about confections takes on a #27 about kiddie smooches.
Final Score: Candy 66, Kisses 0. The youthful Brotherhood were easily distracted by the wide variety of sweets offered by Davis, and they had nothing left in reserve after gorging themselves. But defeat has never tasted so satisfying and delicious.
THE JIM HENSON MEMORIAL BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs, “Rainbow Connection,” Kermit the Frog, 1979
The Muppeteer’s #16 portrayal of Bert’s roommate and his love of bath toys faces his voicing of a famous amphibian’s ode to lovers and dreamers.
Final Score: Duckie 21, Rainbow 17. An entertaining contest that was even educational at some points. In the end, Ernie’s side got the bounces, while the Rainbow team occasionally had moments where they seemed to be distracted by something they thought they saw in the sky.
THE STICK IT TO THOSE BOZOS BOWL
“School’s Out,” Alice Cooper, 1972
vs. “Send in the Clowns,” Judy Collins, 1975
A #7 about the end of education faces a #19 show tune referencing harlequins
Final Score: School 38, Clowns 3. Collins’ team played like they didn’t even show up, and they were dominated by the unleashed fury of the Cooper crew. The most notable thing about the game was the national anthem beforehand, when the colour guard was unable to locate the Stars and Stripes. Because of this, the School kids declined to stand for the anthem, saying they wouldn’t salute people who couldn’t find the flag.
THE TRUCK OFF BOWL
“Wolf Creek Pass,” C.W. McCall, 1975
vs. “Teddy Bear,” Red Sovine, 1976
A #40 about hauling poultry meets a #40 about a trucker organizing a surprise for a sick child.
Final Score: Bear 41, Wolf 37. A close battle. McCall’s team, fuelled by the unusual combination of grape soda and onion soup mix, put it all on the line to reach their desired destination of victory, but the Sovine attack was relentless, plowing through any defenses it encountered and leaving their opponents in tears, wondering how they ever even thought of denying Teddy Bear what he wanted.
THE LOVE AND DEATH IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM BOWL
“Wildfire,” Michael Murphey, 1975
vs. “Muskrat Love,” The Captain and Tennille, 1976
A #3 about a ghost and her horse versus a #4 about rodents dating and mating
Final Score: Muskrat 35, Wildfire 13. Possibly inspired by the recent death of their team’s co-founder, Susie, Sam, and the rest of their muskrat pals whirled, twirled and tangoed around their dazzled opponents. But the Murphey team seemed to be fine with losing as they rode off to some far horizon.
THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD LEADS TO A SHARK’S MOUTH BOWL
“Mr. Jaws,” Dickie Goodman, 1975
vs. “Themes from The Wizard of Oz,” Meco, 1978
The #4 about a film featuring an aggressive fish meets a #35 recording of music from a movie featuring a cowardly lion.
Final Score: Jaws 49, Wizard 2. The road ends for the Oz squad, who were unable to conjure a way to avoid having all their efforts devoured by the hungry Great Whites. Once again, we are pleased to have an exclusive postgame interview with the winning coach. Let’s hear that now:
Coach Goodman, what did you say this time to the coach of the team you just defeated?
“Goodbye, yellow brick road.”
I see. Did you have any inspiring words for your team before the game?
“You and me against the world, sometimes it feels like you and me against the world.”
Well, that clearly had a positive effect. Now that the game is over, where are your players now?
“Smokin’ in the boys’ room.”
I suppose they’ve earned that luxury after that performance. Coach, you told us what motivates your team, but what about you? What are you in this for?
“Money money money money, Money!”
All right. Before we let you go, do you have a message for your next opponents, whoever they may be?
“Come and get your love.”
And on that enigmatic note, let’s go to our next matchup.
THE BOUNCING BALLS OF VARYING SIZES BOWL
“Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces,” Cheech and Chong, 1973
vs. “Pinball Wizard/See Me, Feel Me,” The New Seekers, 1973
A #15 about hoops and glam rock takes on a #29 medley about disability and arcade games.
Final Score: Basketball 31, Wizard 3. Once again, the Jones team proves itself to be athletically versatile, while their opponents were limited by their lack of senses. But at some point after this game, the Seekers discovered that they could see, her and talk after all. However, they’re request for a reamatch, like that of the New Orleans Saints, was denied.
THE MAKING A WAVE WHEN YOU CAN BOWL
“The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974
vs. “Dynomite,” Bazuka, 1975
The #1 about public nudity versus the #10 ode to the cool kid from Good Times
Final Score: Streak 55, Dynomite 0. Again, the Stevens team opted to play without uniforms or protective equipment and as a result, the game was a blowup...I mean, blowout. Ray’s, er, streak, continues.
THE COMBAT ON LAND AND SEA BOWL
“Kung Fu Fighting,” Carl Douglas, 1974
vs. “In the Navy,” The Village People, 1979
A #1 about Asian martial arts matches up with a #3 about the nautical branch of the military.
Final Score: Fighting 38, Navy 27. A hard hitting game. The Village People were in control early, and they looked like they might torpedo Douglas’ dreams of a long run in the tournament. The Kung Fus battled back and took a four-point lead, but it looked like the Navy would get one more chance to win when the Fighters faced third and long deep in their own end late. But they handed the ball to little Sammy Chong, who took a bow, made a stand, started swinging with the hand, then made a sudden motion that froze the defence, allowing him to run all the way to the end zone for the clinching touchdown, sinking the sailors.
THE HOW MUCH WOULD IT COST TO DETAIL AN EIGHTEEN WHEELER BOWL
“Workin’ at the Car Wash Blues,” Jim Croce, 1974
vs. “The White Knight,” Cledus Maggard and the Citizen’s Band, 1976
The #32 daydream of an automobile cleaner takes on the #19 trucker trapper.
Final Score: Knight 41, Wash 13. The Citizens allowed Croce’s team to keep up early, but then they put the hammer down and came home with an easy win. The Blues’ slumped off to their locker room, took off their rubber uniforms, and dreamed of air conditioned offices.
THE WHY GO TO THEM WHEN THEY’LL COME TO US BOWL
“Space Oddity,” David Bowie, 1973
vs. “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft,” Carpenters, 1977
A #15 about a lost astronaut meets a #32 about trying to find aliens.
Final Score: Occupants 35, Oddity 20. Both teams made some otherworldly plays, but in the end, it came down to communication. Bowie’s boys seemed out of touch with each other in the fourth quarter, while the Carpenters continued to read each other loud and clear. The Oddity coach strangely summed up his defeat after the game by saying “Planet Earth is blue, and there was nothing he could do.
THE PUT THE LIME ON THE WISH SANDWICH BOWL
“Coconut,” Harry Nilsson, 1972
vs. “Rubber Biscuit,” The Blues Brothers, 1979
A #8 about an unusual prescription faces a #37 about odd dinner options.
Final Score: Biscuit 28, Coconut 23. The Nilsson team had the same issues they had in the first game: bellyaches in the first half, which were cured at the break, allowing them to get back in the game. They had a fourth and goal with just seconds left, and they threw into the end zone. The ball deflected off the Coconut receiver, then hit a Biscuit defender and might have bounced back to the wideout. But it didn’t, going in the other direction and falling incomplete. The Biscuit ricochet didn’t come back to him, so the Coconuts were starved of the victory.
THE GROOMING IN A GALAXY FAR AWAY BOWL
“Shaving Cream,” Benny Bell, 1975
vs. “Star Wars Theme/Cantina Band,” Meco, 1977
The naughty #30 fecal fake-out battles a #1 from the blockbuster space opera.
Final Score: Cream 30, Band 14. The Force wasn’t strong enough to overcome old-fashioned offence. Once again, Coach Bell of the winning side had some words after the game:
“We beat the team with that Darth Vader
Though he did unnerve us a bit,
‘Cause when he removed his big helmet
His head looked like a big lump of...shaving cream,
Be nice and clean,
Shave every day and you’ll always look keen.
THE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE LITTLE ONES BOWL
“Saturday Morning Confusion,” Bobby Russell, 1971
vs. “Short People,” Randy Newman, 1978
A #28 about a harried father versus a #2 about not liking persons of a certain height.
Final Score: Confusion 17, People 16. This was a close one. Both coaches seemed to spend the entire game acting annoyed with their players. The difference, most analysts agree, was that Russell actually loved his charges, so when it came down to the end, they played for him. Newman, in contrast, really didn’t want to be around his players, which is way they came up a bit shirt.
Another quarter done. Next time, back to Britain. See you then.
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