The second round for the second quarter of the draw. Sex! Drugs! Death! Religion! I can’t wait any longer, let’s get to the action.
THE CRASH AND SHOOT BOWL
“D.O.A.,” Bloodrock, 1971
vs. “Saturday Night Special,” Lynyrd Skynyrd, 1975
The Texans #36 depiction of a horrific plane crash faces the Florida band’s #27 chronicle of the dangers of easily accessible firearms.
Final Score: D.O.A. 38, Special 24. Skynyrd came out gunning, but the Bloodrock gang put it all out there and got the win. They didn’t look so good afterward, so one wonders if they’ll be able to recover sufficiently to put up a fight in the next round.
THE GOD WHAT DID THEY DO BOWL
“Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
vs. “Run Joey Run,” David Geddes, 1975
The #17 about having a friend for dinner meets the #4 about paternal rage turning tragic
Final Score: Timothy 55, Joey 6. The Buoys club once again showed their ravenous hunger for victory, and the Geddes running game just wasn’t fast enough. Apparently, there were one or two players on the losing side who were unaccounted for after the game, and they still haven’t been found.
THE MIDWESTERN MURDER BOWL
“Indiana Wants Me,” R. Dean Taylor, 1970
vs. “The Night Chicago Died,” Paper Lace, 1974
A #5 story about a fugitive from the Hoosier State takes on a #1 about mob warfare in the Windy City.
Final Score: Chicago 31, Indiana 17. Once again, it was Paper Lace winning on the strength of their greater firepower. Taylor’s team went down fighting, but they had no choice but to surrender. They will be returning home after all.
THE RADIO TOWER BOWL
“Alone Again (Naturally),” Gilbert O’Sullivan, 1972
vs. “Angie Baby,” Helen Reddy, 1974
Gil’s #1 about a suicidal man matches up with Helen’s charttopper about a boy who disappears, possibly into a radio.
Final Score: Angie 74, Alone 0. There were no mysterious PA shenanigans this time. Gilbert’s glum group were pretty succeptible to the simplest of suggestion. One feels that Helen’s team has yet to truly unleash the craziness they are capable of.
THE HALLELUJAH BOWL
“Amazing Grace,” The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards, 1972
vs. “The Lord’s Prayer,” Sister Janet Mead, 1974
Bagpipers who made it to #11 with an old hymn versus a nun who got to #4 by setting the most famous Christian prayer to music.
Final Score: Lord 24, Grace 23. A tougher matchup this time for Sister Janet, as the Dragoon’s military precision had the edge for much of the game. But the Prayer team pulled off the comeback when they brought a player off the bench late, someone from South Bend, Indiana who goes by the name of “Touchdown Jesus.” Our Lady and her fighting, er, Australians move on.
THE CHRISTIAN HEAD SHOP BOWL
“Superstar,” Murray Head, 1970
vs. “Jesus is Just Alright,” The Doobie Brothers, 1972
A #14 musical theatre number about the Son of Man takes on a #35 tune about how the Saviour is a cool guy.
Final Score: Superstar 45, Alright 0. Another stellar performance for Murray and his disciples. Their opponents seemed to give them a little too much respect. But though critics were harsh in their appraisal of the Doobies’ effort, they apparently don’t care now what they say.
THE BOBBY AND MARILYN WHO DIDN’T HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH EACH OTHER BOWL
“One Day at a Time,” Marilyn Sellars, 1974
vs. “Gotta Serve Somebody,” Bob Dylan, 1979
Sellars #37 song about slow and steady faith meets Bobby’s #24 urging decisiveness about which spiritual master to follow.
Final Score: Serve 28, Time 14. It was close for much of the game, but eventually the sheer depth of Dylan’s squad won out. They seemed to be able to bring in a new player on every down. One play it might be a businessman, the next play it might be a construction worker, the next it may be the heavyweight champion of the world. But all of them, at least on this day, had clearly decided to serve their coach, regardless if they called him Terry, Timmy, Bobby, Zimmy, R.J., or Ray.
THE YOU BETTER CALL SOMEBODY BOWL
“(Don’t Worry) If There’s a Hell Below We’re All Going to Go,” Curtis Mayfield, 1970
vs. “Operator,” The Manhattan Transfer, 1975
The #29 soul song about the road to damnation takes on a #22 about a telecommunication line to salvation.
Final Score: Hell 3, Operator 0 (forfeit). Mayfield’s pregame speech to his team was loud enough to reverberate through the entire stadium, and it was so intimidating that their opponents decided not to take the field, instead picking up the telephone and asking for information on how to get as far away from there as possible as quickly as possible.
THE BIG ASS BOWL
“The Bertha Butt Boogie,” The Jimmy Castor Bunch, 1975
vs. “Fat Bottomed Girls,” Queen, 1978
#16 funk about prehistoric posteriors versus #24 rock about bountiful booties.
Final Score: Bertha 34, Girls 17. The extra depth provided by Luther, Leroy, and the Troglodyte gave the Castor Bunch the edge. There was an unusually high level of goodwill after the game. The Queen team asked the Butt Sisters if they could go home with them, and they accepted enthusiastically, with a mysterious promise to “sock it to them.”
THE IT CAME UPON ME LIKE A TIDAL WAVE BOWL
“Cat Scratch Fever,” Ted Nugent, 1977
vs. “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” Meat Loaf, 1978
The Nuge’s #30 that’s not about felines faces Meat’s #39 that isn’t about baseball.
Final Score: Paradise 42, Cat 6. The Meat Loaf squad was determined to reach their goal, and they easily trounced an opponent stricken by illness. Those kids really make things happen out there.
THE MAKE LOVE AND WAR BOWL
“Spill the Wine,” Eric Burdon and War, 1970
vs. “Love to Love You Baby,” Donna Summer, 1976
A #3 rock reverie matches up with a #2 disco sex simulation.
Final Score: Wine 31, Love 3. Donna’s team were worn out from their efforts in the first round, and the Burdon team was able to wrap things up with plenty of time to spare. In fact, during the fourth quarter, their starters weren’t even paying attention, instead just lying in the sideline grass and dreaming.
THE WOULD YOU PUT THIS IN FOR ME BOWL
“Telephone Man,” Meri Wilson, 1977
vs. “If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body Would You Hold it Against Me,” The Bellamy Brothers, 1979
Wilson’s #16 euphemism meets the Bellamys #39 pun.
Final Score: Telephone 52, Body 10. Wilson’s team dominated. They seemed to be in action all over the field, and sometimes all over the entire stadium. They were scoring at will. After the game, the Bellamys had a message to their fans, telling them either to remain loyal or to give them hugs.
THE INDECENT PROPOSALS BOWL
“Lady Marmalade,” Labelle, 1975
vs. “Lucille,” Kenny Rogers, 1977
The #1 about prostitution faces a #5 about non-commercial adultery.
Final Score: Marmalade 23, Lucille 20. Kenny’s team held out as long as they could, and they had a fourth and goal on the LaBelle three yard line with time for one more play. They were about to kick a chip shot field goal to force overtime, but Patti went up to Kenny and said, “Hey Joe, wanna give it a go?” He immediately decided to put the offense back on the field to go for the win. Their big running back looked like he would score the winning TD, but he fumbled the ball at the one. As he trudged dejectedly off the field, he was heard to mutter,”You picked a fine time to leave me, loose ball.”
THE NEEDLE IN A...WAIT, I DON’T THINK THAT’S A STACK OF HAY BOWL
“King Heroin,” James Brown, 1972
vs. “Wildwood Weed,” Jim Stafford, 1974
The #40 sung in the voice of the opioid itself versus the #7 about hicks who stumble upon cannabis.
Final Score: Heroin 56, Weed 7. Stafford’s men appeared relaxed as they took the field, but Brown’s boys methodically and brutally reduced them to defeated shells of their former selves. Bizarrely, the Wildwoods seemed desperately lost when the game ended, as if they needed the beating to continue.
THE RUNNING OFF TO DO SOME STUFF THAT WOULD SHOCK THE FOLKS BACK HOME BOWL
“Walk on the Wild Side,” Lou Reed, 1973
vs. “Say, Has Anybody Seen My Sweet Gypsy Rose,” Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973
A #16 song about the seedy side of New York versus a #3 about innocence lost via exotic dancing.
Final Score: Wild 31, Rose 21. The Orlando team let it all hang out and thought they were prepared for anything, but the Reed squad had some shocking tricks that they couldn’t cope with. Even worse, the Gypsies head cheerleader, Mary Jo, defected to the Wild Side.
THE HI. YEAH, I GUESS THEY ARE BOWL
“Earache My Eye Featuring Alice Bowie,” Cheech and Chong, 1974
vs. “Ariel,” Dean Friedman, 1977
A #9 about androgynous rockers and the lazy teens who love them takes on a #26 about bohemian romance.
Final Score: Alice 38, Ariel 17. Again, it took the Earache side a little extreme motivation to get going. But once they did, they whipped some ass. Friedman’s team didn’t seem bothered by the loss, and they got back in their VW vans right after the game to return to their life of music, love, and smokeable substances.
Next time, we go back to Britain for a new year. See you then.
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