The last 20
20 - “Stop Me (If You’ve Heard it All Before),” Billy Ocean
Billy O.’s third hit is decent romantic disco. But it can’t touch the majesty of “Love Really Hurts Without You.” Listen to that again instead. I will.
19 - “The Things We Do for Love,” 10cc
The cc’s sharp look at romance was Top Ten here and in the States, leaving it to Canada to give it its #1 due. More proof that we rule.
18 - “Get Back,” Rod Stewart
Rod chipped in a version of the Fabs’ tale of JoJo and Sweet Loretta to the soundtrack of the Beatles-music-and-newsreel-footage mashup film All This and World War II. It starts with “God Save The Queen” and ends with old-timey piano, but in between Rod does it bluesy justice.
17 - “Wild Side of Life,” Status Quo
Quo’s ninth Top Ten was a boogie cover of Hank Thompson’s 1952 country classic about a man lamenting his lover’s return to a carefree, hard-partying lifestyle. They do okay, though I’m guessing the fact that it’s 70s British rock stars singing this is quite ironic.
16 - “If You Leave Me Now,” Chicago
This shit again. Best I can say about it is that it’s only the second worst Triple Crown winner ever. Send Terry Jacks a gift basket, boys.
15 - “Grandma’s Party,” Paul Nicholas
The second of two Top Tens for the actor-singer was this disco-pop tribute to the wild New Year’s bashes his grandmother hosts. I didn’t get my invitation, but if I had, I would consider going. But my expectations wouldn’t be too high.
14 - “Little Does She Know,” Kursaal Flyers
The only hit for this band from Southend-on-Sea was this fun power-popper about catching your lover cheating on you...in a laundromat. It’s can’t be pleasant to find out someone’s cleaning your clothes and doing you dirty at the same time.
13 - “Fairytale,” Dana
Our second visit with Ms. Scallon’s disco trifle. Not having to hear this again would make me live happily ever after.
12 - “Lean on Me,” Mud
The glammers’ last hit was a cover of Bill Withers’ immortal pledge of friendship and loyalty. It blandly leans on the goodwill of the song’s familiarity. Don’t take this track’s advice; you’ll fall on your face.
11 - “Don’t Give Up On Us,” David Soul
Hutch’s Triple Crown winning ballad. It might be in the bottom 20 or 30 of those honourees, but I would rather listen to this for an hour straight than sit through all of “If You Leave Me Now.”
10 - “Bionic Santa,” Chris Hill
A popular nightclub DJ, Hill scored two Top Tens in two years with novelty Christmas records done in the “break-in” style pioneered by American Dickie Goodman. On this one, Santa crashes his motorcycle, and is rebuilt using the technology popularized on the American TV shows The Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman. Multiple songs are sampled, but two in particular are used frequently: Thin Lizzy’s “The Boys Are Back in Town” and Rod Stewart’s “Maggie May.” The latter sees a great deal of action during a segment about Parliament debating funding for Santa’s procedure, due to the fact that the Conservative Opposition leader at the time was one Margaret Thatcher. Whatever happened to her, I wonder.
9 - “Living Next Door to Alice,” Smokie
The most enduring hit by the Bradford boys. It’s good, but after hearing the 1995 version with Roy “Chubby “ Brown, I miss the swearing.
8 - “Dr. Love,” Tina Charles
The Whitechapel native reveals a medical fetish on her final hit. Catchy but soulless, which sadly was typical of British disco of the time.
7 - “Love Me,” Yvonne Elliman
The Hawaiian’s first British hit was this cover of a Bee Gees album track from earlier that year. Okay, but the main reason I’m glad it exists is because it gave the Gibbs the idea to give her the fantastic “If I Can’t Have You.”
6 - “Livin’ Thing,” Electric Light Orchestra
Their first Top Five. I’m realizing now that even though I’m grooving hard to this, it might not even be in my ELO Top Five. Wow, I think more of them than I thought I did.
5 - “Portsmouth,” Mike Oldfield
It turns out that Oldfield’s second Top Five wasn’t a tribute to the then-troubled football club nicknamed “Pompey,” but rather a rendition of an old folk tune that accompanied a traditional sailors’ dance called the “hornpipe.” Oldfield plays most of the instruments on the track, but one he doesn’t, the recorder, is featured prominently. For this and other reasons, this is your latest Uneasy Rider.
4 - “Somebody to Love,” Queen
Freddie switches from opera to gospel to convey his desperate loneliness, remains fabulous. It seems like his place in the rock pantheon grows all the time, and I feel it’s well-deserves.
3 - “Money Money Money,” ABBA
Their dramatic ode to the desire for wealth was their fifth Top Five here, but inexplicably fell short of the Top 40 in North America. We missed out. Meanwhile, I’m both intrigued and frightened by the reunion rumours I’m hearing.
2 - “Under the Moon of Love,” Showaddywaddy
Originally recorded by Arizonan Curtis Lee in 1961, this was one of the few commercial flops of Phil Spector’s production heyday. But the Leicester retro squad picked it up, and the result was the only #1 of their career. Good song, performed well. But I’ve got to go back and hear how it turned out with the Wall of Sound.
And your 1976 Christmas #1 was...
1 - “When a Child is Born,” Johnny Mathis
The kinda-Christmas carol the German Michael Holm had a Canadian hit with a year earlier gave smooth Johnny his only charttopper here. Class all the way. The man had a magic croon.
So we’re finally finished with Christmas for another year. Next time, another instalment in my wacky tournament thing. Join me for that.
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