October 1981. This week, British Telecom announce that they would discontinue their telegram services within a year. They decided it was time to stop (stop). But the seven-inch vinyl single was still a viable form of communication, and here were the most purchased at this time.
40 - "Physical," Olivia Newton-John
ONJ goes unabashedly sexual on the dance-rocker that dominated the #1 spot in the States for 10 weeks, but missed the Triple Crown by only reaching #7 here. That must have left her unsatisfied, as she never reached #1 here without the help of John Travolta or ELO.
39 - "And Then She Kissed Me," Gary Glitter
The glam creep had his first hit of them decade with this gender-flipped cover of a 1963 Crystals hit. The track is pointless, the man is a justified pariah.
38 - "The Original Bird Dance," The Electronicas
The oom-pah-pah trifle that inspired the infamous Chicken Dance, here in it's original version by a Dutch group. It's annoying enough without the tweeting sound effects.
37 - "Nightmare," Gillan
The fifth hit for ex-Deep Purple vocalist Ian's eponymous band was this song about receiving unwanted female attention. Everything about it is just okay, including its 2.5 Headbangometer reading.
36 - "Maid of Orleans (The Waltz of Joan of Arc)," Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark
The second of the Merseysiders' two Top Fives about the French Catholic martyr. A synthpop dirge that sounds like a blueprint for what New Order would soon do much better. This is just a dude sounding sad while noodling on a keyboard. If I were to imagine the music Ross from Friends made in high school, it would sound like this.
35 - "So This is Romance," Linx
The Britfunkers' fourth and final hit was this song about how his cousin's lady ran off to the islands and married a new guy. Kind of like off-brand, non-Ghostbusting Ray Parker Jr.
34 - "You'll Never Know," Hi-Gloss
This America group's only hit was slick funk on which a woman taunts a man about the love he missed out on with her. Sassy smoothness.
33 - "Slow Hand," The Pointer Sisters
The Pointers' triple Top Ten about relaxed lovemaking. It says pretty much the same thing Frankie Goes to Hollywood would a couple years later, only classier and with fewer references to orgasms and laser beams.
32 - "Dead Cities," The Exploited
This Scottish "streetpunk" band were best known to me for inspiring the "skeleton with a mohawk" image that I have seen emblazoned on leather and denim worn by various out-and-proud punks intermittently over the past 35 years or so. The one hit single they managed was this two-minute detonation of aggression and nihilism and loud, loud music. It's what people imagine punk to sound like, and it was probably the kind of thing the guy who wrote that infamous Quincy episode was listening to when inspiration struck.
31 - "Lock Up Your Daughters," Slade
The Wolverhamptonites second hit of this decade was this metal-inspired tune about teenage rebellion, particularly of the female variety. The track is good enough for a 3 on the Headbangometer, but Noddy doesn't sound as convincing a wild man as he once did. And maybe it's just me, but the primary riff of the song reminds me somewhat of the future smash "Money for Nothing." I don't think Dire Straits should be worried about lawsuits over that, but the way these issues seem to be evolving, who knows in what direction the line will move?
30 - "In and Out of Love," Imagination
Leee John's soul outfit had their second hit with this midtempo "can't live with or without her" jam. Slick radio pop with some nice vibraphone work. I forget how much I like the sound of a good vibraphone sometimes.
29 - "When She was My Girl," The Four Tops
The Motown legends' first hit in eight years was Top Five here, Top Ten in Canada, and #11 in the States. As always, Levi Stubbs makes you believe in what he's singing; in this case, how much he misses his ex and her big legs.
28 - "Tonight I'm Yours (Don't Hurt Me)," Rod Stewart
Rod in his "frenetic dance-rock" phase (see also "Young Turks"). Here he compares his sexual prowess to a hurricane, and says he wants to copulate non-stop for no less than a full day. And yet he's the one saying "Don't hurt me." It seems more likely that any injuries he may suffer would be self-inflicted.
27 - "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic," The Police
Their fourth #1 here was also their first brush with a Triple Crown, missing it by two U.S. chart places. Not surprisingly, Sting also boast about his stamina and resilience, although in this case, it's his ability to propose marriage numerous times per day and still absorb rejection well enough to continue. Tantric pestering, if you will.
26 - "When You Were Sweet Sixteen," The Fureys and Davie Arthur
These Dubliners of Irish Traveler heritage had their biggest hit with a cover of this sappy love song that was first a hit in 1900. That's not a typo. If you have a taste for tear-enhanced Guinness, this is for you.
25 - "Souvenir," Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark
OMD again, this time with their first Top Five, this floaty number about steadfast obsession. I like this one better. It seems less contrived, and maybe I like Paul Humphreys as a singer better than Andy McCluskey. I don't know.
24 - "Mad Eyed Screamer," The Creatures
Siouxsie Sioux and her Banshees drummer had their first hit with this, the A of one of two 7-inch singles packaged together as the Wild Things EP. Frenetic goth-rock inspired by some of the interesting characters they encountered in London's Hyde Park. You can almost hear the apocalyptic ranting.
23 - "Invisible Sun," The Police
More from the Coppers, this time a brooding, slow-burning rocker about living under the spectre of war and holding on to hope. We were still in a time when "serious Sting" didn't elicit justifiable groans.
22 - "Tainted Love," Soft Cell
The duo's Gloria Jones cover was not just their first hit, it got two-thirds of the Triple Crown, and made it to #8 in the States. It's still chilly brilliance, but I am still of the opinion that it works best when it's blended into "Where Did Our Love Go."
21 - "Quiet Life," Japan
The Catford band's first hit was this re-release of a 1979 single, put out by their former label after their current album started selling well. It's new wave with a lot of disco elements, and it almost certainly was an influence on Duran Duran. And ironically for their breakthrough hit, it's about being stuck short of success. You really never know.
In Part Two: rudeness, celebration, and the possible Grand Champion of Uneasy Riders of the Universe.
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