Welcome to the second first-round bracket of the tournament. A lot of social issues covered here, with a couple of wild card matchups. And for once I've done the sensible thing and made a YouTube playlist so you can follow along. Find it at https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDWLXjsOJPQmj9ENsMx2JUiiEHKOecCTf
Here we go.
THE SMALL TOWN DRAMA BOWL
"Coward of the County," Kenny Rogers, 1980
vs. "Stranger in Town," Toto, 1984
Two songs that prove that scandalous happenings aren't limited to big cities. Country star Rogers reached #3 with the story of a man who rejects violence until three local n'er-do-wells sexually assault his wife. Then, a Los Angeles band hit #30 with the tale of an escaped convict who is hidden in a barn by a group of children who believe that he might be Jesus Christ.
Final Score: Coward 28, Stranger 21. Kenny's team didn't seem to want to be playing such a violent game for the first three quarters, which allowed the Strangers to dominate with their aggressive tactics that seemed to cross the line beyond fair play, even though their youngest fans didn't see it that way. But there came a point where Toto took their tactics too far, and the County boys unleashed their fury and came out on top. The Strangers were in a hurry to leave the field, and no one has seen them since.
THE UNPLANNED PREGNANCY BOWL
"Papa Don't Preach," Madonna, 1986
vs. "The Valley Road," Bruce Hornsby and the Range, 1988
Two songs about women who unexpectedly themselves in a family way. Ms. Ciccone had a #1 with a song about a teenage girl trying to convince her father that she and her boyfriend can adequately raise the child she's carrying. Meanwhile, Hornsby and company got to #5 with the tale of a rich girl who is forced to leave town for a while after a being inseminated by a poor boy.
Final Score: Papa 10, Valley 7. Both sides scored on their first possessions, but they then seemed to concentrate on defense for the rest of the game. In the end, Madonna's side nosed ahead and managed to hang on thanks to the support of their coaching staff, while Hornsby was hampered by a questionable decision to bench the quarterback and the receiver who hooked up for the touchdown for the last three quarters.
THE CHALK AND CHEESE BOWL
"To All the Girls I've Loved Before," Julio Iglesias and Willie Nelson, 1984
vs. "'Til I Loved You," Barbra Streisand and Don Johnson, 1988
Two unlikely duets. First, a Spanish crooner and a Texan country star went to #5 by bonding over the fact that they've gotten a lot of feminine action over the years. Then, an accomplished singer teamed up with the then-love interest, the star of Miami Vice, made it to #25 by declaring that their lives lacked meaning before they met each other.
Final Score: Girls 45, You 3. While this isn't the kind of football Julio grew up playing, Willie knew enough about the game to allow his European teammate to showcase his skills and rack up points. Streisand and Johnson just never clicked. She seemed to carry the bulk of the offense, while he was just along for the ride. Also, he refused to play in anything other than his pastel suit and shoes without socks, and she spent more time worrying whether or not the cameras were capturing her from flattering angles than trying to win the game.
THE FANTASY AND REALITY OF MARRIED LIFE BOWL
"I've Never Been to Me," Charlene, 1982
vs. "Coming Around Again," Carly Simon, 1987
Two songs with differing views of matrimony. A Californian reached #2 with a five-year-old record about a woman whose led a globetrotting jet-set lifestyle but is jealous of those who opt for the traditional lives of wives and mothers. Five years later, singer-songwriter Simon hit #18 with a tune about how married life is more screaming babies and burnt dinners than hearts and flowers.
Final Score: Never 31, Coming 14. Charlene's team was made up of players with extensive experience around the world, while Carly's side had only played close to home. The variety and quantity of things the Never Beens new proved to be their advantage in this game, but for some reason, they told their beaten opponents that they were jealous that the Around side was now able to return to domestic life while they had to move on to a new adventure.
THE TEMPTATION BOWL
"Don't Stand So Close to Me," The Police, 1981
vs. "Family Man," Daryl Hall and John Oates, 1983
Two songs about men who are presented with inappropriate sexual opportunities. England's Police reached #10 with a song about a teacher who lusts after one of his underage students. Meanwhile, a Philadelphia duo got to #6 with a tale of a guy with a wife and kids trying to fend off the advances of a prostitute.
Final Score: Stand 14, Family 0. Both teams played with restraint for most of the game, almost as if they were deliberately trying not to score. But it was the Police who eventually gave themselves the green light to go where they wanted to go, while the Hall/Oates team didn't commit to trying to go all the way until it was too late. There have been questions about whether some of the Close players are old enough to be playing this game, but for now, they are moving on to the next round.
THE UNUSUAL ADDRESSES BOWL
"Electric Avenue," Eddy Grant, 1983
vs. "Alphabet St.," Prince, 1988
Two tracks about interesting fictional thoroughfares. Guyanese native Grant hit #2 with an invitation to go to a charged road, and then go higher. Later, Prince got to #8 by declaring his attention to go to a street named for the building blocks of written language to pick up a lady on his way to Tennessee.
Final Score: Electric 34, Alphabet 14. The gang from the Avenue worked hard like soldiers, and played with the heart of warriors, and it was too much for the loosey-goosey Street team. After the game, Coach Prince told Coach Grant that if he didn't mind, he would like to watch...the Electrics next game.
THE YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO INTENSE BOWL
"Every Breath You Take," The Police, 1983
vs. "Relax," Frankie Goes to Hollywood, 1985
Two songs with different approaches to romance. Sting's band had a #1 by pledging to follow their beloved's every move. Two years later, another English group made it to #10 by advising lovers not to be so eager to get to the, er, climax of an intimate encounter.
Final Score: Relax 28, Breath 0. The Police team came in planning to employ their stifling man-to-man defense and let the game come to them. But the Frankies would not be rattled, and they made the Takers let down their guard before scheming their schemes and hitting their opponents with their laser-beam precise passing attack. The Breath team do plan to go to the next round, but they can only go as spectators. But some observers believe that they like it that way.
THE OLD AND THE LIDLESS BOWL
"Touch of Grey," The Grateful Dead, 1987
vs. "Pop Goes the World," Men Without Hats, 1988
A pair of songs with interesting views of the world. First, the jam-band institution got to #9 with a song about people wearing shoes on their hands and cows that produce combustible hydrocarbon liquid rather than milk. Then, a group from Montreal hit #20 by picturing the human race as a band led by a guitarist named Johnny and a bassist named Jenny.
Final Score: Touch 24. Pop 10. The Dead team rose to the occasion, confusing the Hatless ones to the point where they didn't know what planet they were on. The Greys will continue on, not paying their rent and leaving their dog unfed. The World side shook off their loss and ended up in some disco, dancing all night.
THE HARD TIMES IN THE HEARTLAND BOWL
"Allentown," Billy Joel, 1983
vs. "My Hometown," Bruce Springsteen, 1986
Two songs about communities facing economic hardship. Billy hit #17 with a depiction of a real Pennsylvania town that was devastated by the closure of its steel plants. Later, Bruce reached #6 with the tale of a man lamenting the economic and social decline of his unidentified municipality.
Final Score: Allentown 13, Hometown 3. Both teams came in seeming beaten-down and lacking motivation, but Joel's side were able to channel their anger and summon the fighting spirit passed on from their fathers to get the win. Neither team is returning from whence they came: Billy's boys are on to the next round, while the Springsteen side are reportedly considering heading south.
THE TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS BOWL
"Rain on the Scarecrow," John Cougar Mellencamp, 1986
vs. "Money's Too Tight (To Mention)," Simply Red, 1986
Two songs about the negative effects of the economic policies of Ronald Reagan. Indianan Mellencamp got to #21 with a song about the struggles of farmers just trying to make enough to avoid foreclosure. That same year, a British group hit #28 with a cover of a soul song about how Reaganomics wasn't so good for those at the bottom of the economic ladder.
Final Score: Scarecrow 48, Money 7. The Cougar team was full of farm boys with something to prove, and they easily defeated the Simple Englishmen, who didn't really understand the game or the playbook. They will have to find another way to buy their kids brand new shoes.
THE LIFE'S AN ESKIMO PIE, LET'S TAKE A BITE BOWL
"Ebony and Ivory," Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder, 1982
vs. "People are People," Depeche Mode, 1985
Two songs that make the case for racial harmony. Two pop legends teamed up for a #1 that uses the example of the different-coloured keys on a piano to show how we could all live together. Then, a British synth band hit #13 with a song that just seems bemused by the idea of people being prejudiced against each other because of the colour of their skin.
Final Score: Ebony 34, People 6. The McCartney/Wonder team was filled with parts that perfectly complemented one another, creating a game plan that came together beautifully. The Mode squad, in contrast, got along awfully, to the point where some of them were punching and kicking and shouting at each other on the sideline. After the game, when asked what went wrong, the Depeche coach turned the tables on the reporters, asking them to help him understand.
THE REMEMBER THIS GUY BOWL
"A Fine Fine Day," Tony Carey, 1984
vs. "The First Day of Summer," Tony Carey, 1984
A battle between the only two Top 40 hits by a California native who once played keyboards for the band Rainbow. First, he went to #22 with the story about how his Uncle Sonny was involved in some shady business when he was a child. Then he hit #33 by singing about his own youthful misdeeds, perpetrated alongside his friend "The Kid."
Final Score: First 27, Fine 9. The boys of Summer had youth on their side, which gave them the advantage over their Fine opposition, whose star player, Sonny, seemed to disappear during halftime. But the remaining Carey crew have their issues, as their own best player, The Kid, stole the team bus containing all their gear after the game, and he hasn't been heard from since.
THE WHAT HATH BOB WROUGHT BOWL
"Do They Know It's Christmas," Band Aid, 1985
vs. "We are the World," USA for Africa, 1985
The two major all-star charity singles inspired by reports of the devastation caused by a famine in Ethiopia. Bob Geldof and Midge Ure struck first by gathering British stars such as George Michael, Sting, and Duran Duran for a holiday-themed number that topped charts almost everywhere. In America, however, it stalled at #13. Shortly afterward, the Yanks got in on the act, assembling talents ranging from Kenny Rogers and Cyndi Lauper to Bob Dylan and Ray Charles to perform a Michael Jackson/Lionel Richie ballad for the cause. They, of course, made it to #1 in their homeland.
Final Score: World 52, Christmas 42. The amount of talent on the field was impressive, and many of the stars had moments of individual brilliance. In the end, Team USA just had a few more of those moments, and it was a spectacular hookup between Bruce Springsteen and Stevie Wonder that clinched the victory. In the Band Aid locker room after the game, Bono attempted to rouse his defeated side by saying it was better that they were the ones going on to the next round, or as he put it: "Thank God it's them instead of you." But rather than being inspired by these words, his teammates were confused and offended.
THE STACKED DECK BOWL
"Sun City," Artists United Against Apartheid, 1986
vs. "The Way it Is," Bruce Hornsby and the Range, 1986
Two songs that unambiguously attack institutional racism. E. Street band guitarist Steven Van Zandt convinced his Boss and a wide variety of musicians from around the world to record a protest record against performers who play at a segregated resort in Apartheid South Africa. They hit #38. Later that year, Mr. Hornsby and his band went to #1 singing about how African-Americans continue to suffer social and economic oppression.
Final Score: City 45, Way 6. An overwhelming Artistic triumph, with the passion of the anti-apartheid campaigners proving too much for the subtle approach of the Hornsby team. Even worse, the losing side was heckled as they left the field by a man in a silk suit, who, just for fun, taunted them by yelling "Get a job!"
THE FAKE NEWS BOWL
"Dirty Laundry," Don Henley, 1983
vs. "Rumors," Timex Social Club, 1986
Two songs about unreliable sources of information. Henley went to #3 with a song about how television news was more about entertainment and exploitation than truly reflecting the important events of the day. Three years later, a California group got to #8 by decrying gossip and those who spread it.
Final Score: Laundry 41, Rumors 13. The Dirty squad lived up to their name by kicking their opponents when they were up and when they were down. The Timex team was unable to keep on ticking in the face of the vicious falsehoods Henley's players repeated to then in between plays. Some members of the defeated side decided they needed somebody to lean on, and they were reportedly looking into joining a new (or nouveau, if you speak French) club.
THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER BOWL
"America," Neil Diamond, 1981
vs. "Living in America," James Brown, 1986
Two songs that celebrate the United States. Neil reached #8 with a song from his movie The Jazz Singer about the U.S.A. being a beacon of hope and opportunity for immigrants from around the world. James, meanwhile, hit #4 with the number he led Apollo Creed to the ring with in Rocky IV; a funky ode to America's highways, railroads, radio stations, and all-night diners.
Final Score: Brown 27, Diamond 17. Neil's players were eager to play this game, having travelled from all over the world, by land and by sea, to participate. But perhaps that travel made them too weary, because they seemed drained late in the game, while James' gang, who had been at the game's location for many years, still had plenty of energy. And they weren't shy about expressing how good they felt at the end. Sadly, it seems Diamond's father was so disappointed by the loss that he reportedly disowned his son in melodramatic fashion.
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