At last, just in time for bowl season, we have the second round of our tournament. The survivors of our first two brackets take the field once again in their next step toward...glory? Will favourites fall? Will songs that cruised in the first round hit a wall in the second? Let the games begin.
THE GO AHEAD AND HATE YOUR NEIGHBOR BOWL
“One Tin Soldier,” Coven, 1971
vs. “Half-Breed,” Cher, 1973
The occult band’s #26 allegory about greed versus Cher’s charttopping prejudice lament.
Final Score: Soldier 49, Half-Breed 0. It was, metaphorically at least, a massacre. Cher thought her team would have a fair shot, but their opponents were very much willing to win at all costs. They didn’t even have to bring their most aggressive player off the bench. But we’ll be sure to see Billy Jack as the competition gets tougher.
THE DEMOCRATIC PROCESS BOWL
“Convention ‘72,” The Delegates, 1972
vs. “Elected,” Alice Cooper 1972
The #8 break-in political satire faces Alice’s #26 unlikely campaign launch.
Final Score: Convention 38, Elected 23. A game effort by Cooper’s delegation, but his opponents had a lot of tricks up their sleeves, and there were moments when they seemed to know exactly what plays their opponents would run. Reportedly there was a break-in at the Elected team hotel the night before, but at the moment there doesn’t seem to be any connection to the Delegates, so they still seem poised to rack up some more big victories. But the losing side left with heads held high, led by Cooper in his gold Rolls Royce.
THE FIGHT OR FLIGHT BOWL
“Big Yellow Taxi (Live),” Joni Mitchell, 1974
vs, “Hurricane,” Bob Dylan, 1975
Joni’s jazzy #24 take on her classic about progress trampling the environment takes on Bobby D.’s #33 plea for justice for a wrongly convicted boxer.
Final Score: Hurricane 45, Taxi 7. Dylan’s team came to fight, and they were relentless in their attack. Mitchell’s squad seemed demoralized by the fact that the field had been sprayed with DDT before the game, and some of them were seen leaving the stadium in cabs halfway through the third quarter.
THE I LEARNED THE TRUTH BOWL
“I am Woman,” Helen Reddy, 1972
vs. “At Seventeen,” Janis Ian, 1975
Helen’s #1 feminist anthem meets Janis’ #3 teen angst rumination.
Final Score: Woman 28, Seventeen 10. Helen had her team more than Reddy...er, ready, for a fight. Their opponents got down early, and then seemed to be resigned to defeat. The roar continues.
THE IT’S CRAZY OUT THERE BOWL
“Ball of Confusion (That’s What the World is Today),” The Temptations, 1970
vs. “What the World Needs Now is Love/Abraham, Martin and John,” Tom Clay, 1971
The Temps #3 portrayal of turmoil is matched up with Clay’s #8 message that hope for a more peaceful future lies with the children.
Final Score: World 21, Ball 14. The Temps took a quick lead with their aggressive attack, but there came a point in the third quarter when they decided that there was no point in trying any more. Clay’s team, with their youth and naïveté, still thought there was a chance to win, and they took it. How far can that sort of crazy thinking take them?
THE AMERICAN HISTORY II BOWL
“An American Trilogy,” Mickey Newbury, 1972
vs. “Uneasy Rider,” Charlie Daniels, 1973
Newbury’s #26 medley of historically significant American songs versus Daniels’ #9 hit about a clash of cultures and politics in the South.
Final Score: Rider 38, Trilogy 13. The Daniels team uses some questionable tactics in a dominant victory, but they distracted the refs with accusations of even worse infractions by their opponents, and they managed to get away with their skullduggery. It isn’t the truth that is marching on to the next round.
THE YOUNG MEN DYING NEEDLESSLY BOWL
“Monster,” Steppenwolf, 1970
vs. “The Killing of Georgie,” Rod Stewart, 197
The Canadian band’s highly critical #39 rundown of the lowlights of American history takes on Rod’s #30 depiction of a homophobia-motivated murder.
Final Score: Georgie 26, Monster 23 (OT). There wasn’t much between the two sides, and it took extra time to find a winner, but in the end, Rod just had a little extra kick. But without question, both teams fought the good fight.
THE OPINIONATED OUTSIDER BOWL
“Give Ireland Back to the Irish,” Wings, 1972
vs, “The Americans,” Byron MacGregor, 1974
McCartney’s #21 plea for Britain to let Northern Ireland go meets MacGregor’s #4 defence of Canada’s southern neighbours.
Final Score: Americans 45, Irish 12. Byron’s boys boomed and blustered their way to an easy win over Macca’s relatively tame push to end the Troubles. This team is strong, confident, and play offense and defense at a level few can match. They have to be considered one of the favourites to win it all at this point.
THE SON OF GOD OR GOD IS DEAD BOWL
“Joy,” Apollo 100, 1972
vs, “Also Sprach Zarathustra,” Deodato, 1972
A Brit’s #6 take on Bach faces a Brazilian’s #2 funkification of Strauss.
Final Score: Zarathustra 40, Joy 20. Both teams had similar strategies, but Deodato was working from a stronger playbook. Plus, they were assisted by a HAL 9000 computer. With such powerful technology, it seems like they should be going a long way with no problems.
THE BALLPARK REFRESHMENTS BOWL
“Popcorn,” Hot Butter, 1972
vs. “Beer Barrel Polka,” Bobby Vinton, 1975
A New Yorker’s #9 peek into the future matches up with the Polish Prince’s #33 blast from the past.
Final Score: Popcorn 55, Beer 3. The Hot Butter team were bursting with energy and flying all over the field. Vinton’s squad seemed to still be feeling the effects of celebrating their first win, and when they fell far behind early, they decided to just start celebrating again. Their opponents were gracious enough to supply snacks.
THE TONIGHT WE’RE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT’S 1941 BOWL
“Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy,” Bette Midler, 1973
vs. “Chattanooga Choo Choo,” Tuxedo Junction, 1978
Miss M’s #9 tribute to a swingin’ military musician goes up against a #32 disco version of a Glenn Miller train song.
Final Score: Bugle 24, Choo Choo 8. Bette’s squad had military precision and an inspirational team band. The Tuxedo team were just along for the ride.
THE SUMMER GRASS BOWL
“Summertime Blues,” The Who, 1970
vs. “Dueling Banjos,” Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandell, 1973
The Who’s #27 rip through Eddie Cochran’s rockabilly staple takes on the #2 pick fest made famous in the film Deliverance.
Final Score: Banjos 41, Blues 10. The game was played out in the middle of nowhere, which gave the Banjos a big advantage, and they weren’t shy about taking it. The Who protested the result by writing their Congressman, but he replied that he wasn’t their representative, as they aren’t even American citizens. It’s uncertain if they then tried the House of Lords, but regardless, the result stands.
THE DEMAND OR ASK POLITELY BOWL
“Gimme Dat Ding,” The Pipkins, 1970
vs. “Tusk,” Fleetwood Mac, 1979
A nonsensical #9 request faces a #8 parade of paranoia and, perhaps, pachyderms.
Final Score: Ding 24, Tusk 13. The Pipkins quelled the Mac attack by seemingly forcing turnovers at will. It also didn’t help that the Tusk team held their practices out in the open and even encouraged outsiders to film them, which severely undercut their chances of duplicating their previous success.
THE BUT MAMA, THAT’S WHERE THE FUN IS BOWL
“Blinded by the Light,” Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, 1977
vs. “Saturday Night,” Herman Brood and His Wild Romance, 1979
The British band’s #1 Springsteen cover takes on some #35 Dutch debauchery.
Final Score: Light 3, Night 0 (forfeit). The Earth Band were revved up like...something...to get on the field and run all over their opponents, but the Brood brood did not show. Some have speculated that this was because the game was scheduled on a Saturday evening on which the Wild Romance found better things to do. Sportingly, Coach Mann offered to send a team of teenage diplomats to search for them, but tournament officials opted to declare the contest forfeited.
THE PAZUZU COMES ALIVE BOWL
“Tubular Bells,” Mike Oldfield, 1974
vs. “Do You Feel Like We Do,” Peter Frampton, 1976
A haunting #7 piece that accompanied a demonic possession meets a guitar star’s #10 showcase of vocal distortion.
Final Score: Bells 54, Feel 3. Like others before them, Frampton’s boys partied too hard the night before the game. So any questions of extraordinary interference by the Oldfield squad did not seem to be answered, as there was a perfectly logical explanation for their opponents vomiting and falling down a lot.
THE DOO DAH WHOA WHOA BOWL
“Get Dancin’,” Disco Tex and the Sex-O-Lettes, 1975
vs. “Feelings,” Morris Albert, 1975
A coked-up #10 disco anthem versus a Brazilian lothario’s infamous #6 mushy punchline.
Final Score: Dancin’ 19, Feelings 14. Morris’ men tried to take it slow and methodical, seducing their opponents into surrender. But they were ultimately worn out by Tex’s rapid fire, machine gun approach, leaving them trying to forget the sensation of defeat.
There is much more to come in the second round, but next time, we’re going back to Britain for the holidays. See you then.
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