There’s more.
20 - “Leader of the Pack,” The Shirelles
A reissue of the 1964 teen tragedy classic by two pairs of New York sisters: Mary and Betty Weiss and Mary Ann and Marge Ganser. Just be careful riding your motorcycle in the rain. Get the picture?
19 - “Loop di Love,” Shag
An English version of a schlager song recorded under yet another pseudomym by prolific pop creep Jonathan King. It’s about an infatuation that turns out to be a business transaction, if you get my meaning. Not much in the first place, even less as time goes on.
18 - “Help Me Make it Through the Night,” Gladys Knight and the Pips
Gladys and the Pips take Kris Kristofferson’s cry for companionship and make it into a gorgeous soul ballad. Seriously, I would love them recording anything, because they make it beautiful. Give them Slayer and it would surely melt my heart.
17 - “Hi-Ho Silver Lining,” Jeff Beck
A Top Twenty reissue of the guitar legend’s 1967 Top Twenty hit, a sunny psychedelic pop romp. Beck has admitted not being particularly fond of it, likening it to “a pink toilet seat hung around your neck for the rest of your life.” Interesting. I quite enjoy it, though.
16 - “Shotgun Wedding,” Roy C
Another reissue, this is the second Top Ten run for this song by Georgia soul singer Roy Charles Hammond about a country boy forced into marriage by the father of the girl he impregnated. Fun, gutbucket Southern R&B.
15 - “I’m Stone in Love with You,” The Stylistics
The Philly soul outfit’s first Top Ten here was this declaration of all the things he wishes he could do for his beloved, including buy a house on the moon. That hasn’t been proven possible yet, to the presumed disappointment of both these guys and a prepubescent Marge Simpson. Oh well, that’s just proof that anyone can be wrong.
14 - “Clair,” Gilbert O’Sullivan
Ol’ Gil’s first U.K charttopper was this love song to a three-year-old. It’s not as creepy as it sounds, but it is a little sickly sweet. And it coming one U.S. chart placing short of a Triple Crown is also a bit much.
13 - “Stay With Me,” Blue Mink
The fifth hit for this group was this bland come-on. It’s still Barry White compared to “Afternoon Delight.”
12 - “Lay Down,” Strawbs
The first of three hits for these Londoners was this rock tune that’s not about sex, but rather a desire to relax one’s soul inspired by the Bible’s Twenty-Third Psalm. One of the better Christian-tinted pop hits of the period.
11 - “Rock Me Baby,” David Cassidy
The third hit for Keith Partridge was this stab at Stones-style bluesy grit. I can tell he’s trying as hard as he can, but he’s just not that guy. No matter how many risqué magazine covers he poses for.
10 - “Lookin’ Through the Windows,” The Jackson Five
The Gary gang’s first Top Ten here in two years was this step toward a more mature, less bubblegummy sound. Michael’s conviction belies his still-childish voice and conveys the adult emotion. The wave of their initial monster success had created, but they were still developing into a deeper, more interesting group that promised to launch one or more amazing careers.
9 - “Long Haired Lover From Liverpool,” Little Jimmy Osmond
Little Jimmy’s cutesy #1. I found out that in 2000 he recorded a new version. It was boy-band-style dance-rock that incorporates snippets of the original, and yes, he even raps a verse that includes references to previous Osmond hits. I can’t unhear it, so all I can do is warn you away. Catastrophic.
8 - “Solid Gold Easy Action,” T. Rex
The last of their string of eight straight Top 2s was this fast blast of lusty rock. Marc Bolan essentially put his raging libido on record. It’s not something everyone should do, but he could pull it off.
7 - “Ben,” Michael Jackson
Michael sells the power of a love between a boy and a rat. The fact that it was only #7 here and #6 in Canada is shameful. Another contender to receive the Triple Crown that I would like to strip from “Seasons in the Sun.”
6 - “Why,” Donny Osmond
Donny covers Frankie Avalon, gets his third Top Five. Maybe he should have continued in Frankie’s footsteps by making some beach party movies with, I don’t know, who could be his Annette...Tatum O’Neal, maybe? It couldn’t have been worse than Goin’ Coconuts.
5 - “Crocodile Rock,” Elton John
Elton’s first North American #1, held this high here. The innocence and silliness of early rock, encapsulated and dipped in nostalgia. An unintentional template for the 50s revivalism that would soon take hold.
4 - “Angel/What’s Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me)” Rod Stewart
Two Rod covers on one disc. The A is a version of a hopeful Jimi Hendrix track, unfortunately not released until after his death. The B is a cover of a 1968 Jerry Lee Lewis country hit about the destructive power of alcohol. More proof that when given great material, Roddy was money in the bank. Give him “Love Touch,” and oohyagonnagetta, oohyagonnagetta big shit sandwich.
3 - “Gudbuy t’Jane,” Slade
The fifth Top Five for the Wolverhampton wonders was this song about an aloof woman, apparently inspired by seeing a lady demonstrating a “sex machine” on American television. Was it insecurity that caused the farewell? Perhaps, but the world is one catchy rock song richer for it if it was.
2 - “Crazy Horses,” The Osmonds
The Utah nice boys take a stab at being hard rockin’ anti-pollution activist. Nowhere near as embarrassing as it could have been, And while Donny doesn’t sing on it, that horsey sound on the choruses is him on an organ. I’m going to go ahead and say it’s the best thing they ever did.
1 - “My Ding-a-Ling,’ Chuck Berry
The man who defined rock guitar plays a four-minute dick joke for an audience in Coventry, and this gave him a Triple Crown, Not “Johnny B. Goode.” Not “Maybellene.” Not “Sweet Little Sixteen.” This. This. Nothing more to say.
Another one down. Christmas is coming, and my gift to you will be the start of the second round of the Uneasy Rider Tournament. You’re welcome. Be here to open it soon.
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