November 1987. Margaret Thatcher’s Conservatives break the 50% mark in national polls. They celebrate their popularity by abolishing free eye tests. There’s a joke in there about how it was in the government’s best interest for the masses not to see clearly, but instead of making it, I’ll just go to the chart.
40 - “Never Gonna Give You Up,” Rick Astley
The man from Lancashire’s S/A/W-crafted, Triple Crown-winning debut single. Long may it roll on.
39 - “So Amazing,” Luther Vandross
The smoothie’s fourth U.K. hit was this sleek bedroom ballad. If honey had a sound, it would be Luther’s voice.
38 - “Full Metal Jacket (I Wanna Be Your Drill Instructor),” Abigail Mead and Nigel Goulding
To promote Stanley Kubrick’s Vietnam War film Full Metal Jacket, his daughter Vivian, who composed the score under the pseudonym Abigail Mead, put together this track, which consists of R. Lee Ermey’s drill chants to his recruits backed by upbeat funk-pop. An odd mix, but it worked well enough to get to #2 here. And it’s an obviously an Uneasy Rider, not unlike the doomed Private Pyle in the movie. And no, I haven’t been able to learn who Nigel Goulding is or what he did on this.
37 - “Pump Up the Volume,” M/A/R/R/S
A collaboration between the groups A.R. Kane and Colourbox, this group only released one single, but all it did was win the two non-U.S. jewels of the Triple Crown, take sampling to a new level, and essentially invent acid house. “One-hit wonder” doesn’t quite do it justice, does it?
36 - “Crazy Crazy Nights,” Kiss
For reasons that I cannot fathom for the life of me, Kiss’ commercial peak in Britain was during their mid-career abandonment of their iconic makeup. Their first of two Top Fives was this boilerplate hair metal track about how no one can tell them not to rock and rock as loud as fuck. They were always a corporation selling product, but this was a point when they didn’t sound like they believed in it.
35 - “The Real Thing,” Jellybean featuring Stephen Dante
The second Brit hit for producer/remixer/Madonna ex John Benitez was this dance track featuring British soul singer Dante. It’s real, but it’s not spectacular.
34 - “Darklands,” The Jesus and Mary Chain
The third hit by the first pair of Scottish Reid brothers we’ll encounter in this entry was this downbeat rocker about misery and nihilism and all that happy stuff. Not as goth sounding as I expected, and that was a pleasant surprise.
33 - “I Want to be Your Property,” Blue Mercedes
The first hit for the London duo of David Titlow and Duncan Millar was this dance-pop devotion declaration on which they claim to “want to live like Cyd Charisse.” A shout-out to a frequent cinematic dance partner of Kelly and Astaire isn’t the only thing about this that reminded me of the Pet Shop Boys. And speaking of which...
32 - “Rent,” Pet Shop Boys
Here they are with their fifth Top Ten, a cold hard look at being the kept lover of a rich person. Few pop acts could be so unblinking. That’s what makes them special.
31 - “I Don’t Need No Doctor,” W.A.S.P.
Formed in Los Angeles by New York native Steven “Blackie Lawless” Duran, these guys gained infamy when one of their songs “Animal (Fuck Like A Beast),” drew the attention of Tipper Gore and the Parents’ Music Resource Center. They sold some records in America, but here they managed eight Top 40 singles, the second being this cover of a 1966 Ray Charles hit about sexual healing. From the sounds of this, they would seem to be like Motley Crüe with a more shocking stage act. And from what I know, that’s pretty accurate.
30 - “Build,” The Housemartins
The penultimate hit for the Hull boys was this folkie number about progress. It reminds me of some of the Jam’s quieter moments, in a very good way.
29 - “The Circus,” Erasure
The dance duo’s fourth hit was this socially conscious track about technology and progress taking away good jobs. Not their typical fare, but it works. And this makes it pretty clear that when Vince Clarke was looking for a new singer, he chose Andy Bell because he sounded a lot like Clarke’s former Yaz-mate Alison Moyet.
28 - “No Memory,” Scarlet Fantastic
The only hit for the duo of Maggie de Monde and Rick P. Jones was this dance-popper about living for the moment in ways that may involve “deserts and fast motorbikes.” It’s very much of its time, but I like it.
27 - “Warm Wet Circles,” Marillion
The tenth hit for the Buckingahmshire band was also the last studio single to feature original vocalist Fish. It’s about things that make the titular shapes, from rings left by glasses on a bar, to kisses, to bullet holes. It’s all very smart and very prog, but it didn’t overwhelm me with pretentiousness.
26 - “To Be Reborn,” Boy George
Mr. O’ Dowd of the Culture Club had his fourth solo hit with this aching ballad about wanting to reunite with an old lover, if only temporarily. Again I say, there was a whole lot of substance behind the Boy’s style.
25 - “Letter From America,” The Proclaimers
Our second pair of Scottish Reid brothers, bespectacled twins Charlie and Craig became best known in America for their 1993 hit “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles).” But before then, they had a Top Five here with a folkie number about, ironically enough, the long history of Scots migrating to North America for better jobs. This is further evidence that they are masters of writing anthemic pub singalongs.
24 - “I Don’t Think That Man Should Sleep Alone,” Ray Parker Jr.
The second and final hit here for the noted Huey Lewis plagiarist was this declaration that human males were not meant to be in bed unaccompanied. Well, it’s a line, but I question its rate of effectiveness. But fair play if it worked for you, Ray.
23 - “I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish,” The Smiths
The Mancunian mopemeisters were near the end of their run when they charted with this admission of guilt of some unclear offence. Morrissey growls in a couple places, which is fun to hear. Ironically, the song does seem to end in a logical place.
22 - “Crockett’s Theme,” Jan Hammer
Two years after his theme to Miam Vice stormed the charts, Czech keyboardist Hammer picked up another hit with this instrumental inspired by Don Johnson’s character. It’s slower and more tuneful, and also hasn’t been burned into my brain, so it has that going for it.
21 - “Walk the Dinosaur,” Was (Not Was)
The biggest hit for this Detroit surrealist soul band was this infectious funk track that melds caveman imagery with modern references (the Statue of Liberty, Elvis, and...Miami Vice again). Is it an attempt to start a new dance craze, or how nuclear proliferation could cause humanity to author its own extinction? Probably both, which makes it so wonderful. Boom, boom, ackalackalacka boom!
In Part Two: Donna noshes with George and/or Ira, we get a royal tour of the capital of Catalonia, and some reptilian déjà vu.
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