The third group of 32 songs in our little tournament. There are a couple of different themes here that you might be able to pick up. And this is probably the most competitive group so far.
THE END BOWL
“D.O.A.,” Bloodrock, 1971
vs. “Don’t Fear The Reaper,” Blue Oyster Cult, 1976
Two songs about death. First, Texas hard rockers Bloodrock went to #36 with a power ballad sung from the point of view of a man dying from injuries suffered in a plane crash. Five years later, Long Island’s Blue Ouster Cult reached #12 with a song sung from the point of view of Death itself, reassuring the souls he takes that there is nothing to be afraid of from him.
Final Score: D.O.A. 55, Reaper 40. No pun intended, but this was a fight to the finish. But in the end, Bloodrock’s willingness to go all in with an ambulance siren and gruesomely evocative lyrics prevailed over the Cult’s almost romantic approach.
THE DEAD MEN HAD NAMES BOWL
“Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
vs. “Freddie’s Dead,” Curtis Mayfield, 1972
A pair of songs about men who died tragically. First, Pennsylvania’s Buoys got to number 17 with a song about three miners who were trapped together in a shaft. Only two, however, are found by rescuers, while the third has disappeared without a trace. Wonder how that happened? The next year, Chicago soul star Mayfield with a lament for a man who got swallowed by the streets and drugs and met an untimely end.
Final Score: Timothy 49, Freddie 10. Curtis’ team got off to a hot start. Then, the Buoys called a timeout and huddled up on the sideline. When they came back on the field, they were one player short, and the rest of the team were wiping their mouths. Rumours began to circulate throughout the stadium about what had happened, eventually reaching the field. Suddenly, the Mayfield boys didn’t seem to have the stomach for this contest. The Buoys just seemed to be the hungrier team on this day.
THE DON’T TAKE YOUR GUNS TO TOWN BOWL
“I Shot the Sheriff,” Eric Clapton, 1974
vs. “Saturday Night Special,” Lynyrd Skynyrd, 1975
A couple songs about murder with firearms. The man they call Slowhand went to #1 with a cover of Bob Marley’s tale of killing a law enforcement officer in self-defence. The next year, everyone’s favourite vowel-averse Southern rockers got to #27 with a rocker about how cheap handguns lead to impulsive acts of violence that are regrettable and unnecessary.
Final Score: Special 38, Sheriff 22. Yes, getting a song about murdering the police major airplay more than a decade before gangsta rap became a thing was pretty extraordinary. But it couldn’t compete with the element of surprise that comes from a group of proud Southern boys advocating for handgun control. No one saw that coming. It was a truly special victory for the Skynyrds.
THE MURDER IS A STATE OF MIND BOWL
“Indiana Wants Me,” R. Dean Taylor, 1970
vs. “ The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia,” Vicki Lawrence, 1973
Two hits about crimes of passion and the people who commit them. First, Canadian Taylor, who mainly made his living as a Motown staff songwriter, went to #5 with a song about a man running from the law after killing a man who insulted his wife. Three years later, Lawrence, best known as a comic actress on The Carol Burnett Show, went to #1 with a tale of a man falsely executed for
murdering his wife’s lover when in fact the murder, and that nof his “missing” wife, was committed by his sister, who “don’t miss when she aims her gun.”
Final Score: Indiana 24, Georgia 21. A close one, but Taylor won it with a daring run to the end zone when the game was on the line, while Lawrence just stood there and watched it happen instead of doing something to stop it. Then the stadium went dark, and Taylor’s team disappeared. We hope they’ll make it to play their next game.
THE DAMN, YOU’RE NOT IN A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW BOWL
“Alone Again (Naturally),” Gilbert O’Sullivan, 1972
vs. “Seasons in the Sun,” Terry Jacks, 1974
Two of the most depressing Number Ones ever. First, Irishman O’Sullivan turned the trick with about a man on his way to commit suicide, having lost faith in God after being stood up at his wedding and having both his parents die. Then, Canadian Jacks got to the top with a song where he portrays a dying man saying very maudlin goodbyes to friends and family.
Final Score: Gilbert 7, Terry 0. This was a sad display. No one was motivated to do anything. The game seemed like it would be a never ending scoreless stalemate until someone told Gilbert that the end zone was electrified and stepping into it would end his misery. He was suddenly determined to get there, and he managed to forlornly shuffle his way in just as the final gun sounded. To his dismay, he was still alive after the game, and is now forced to go through this misery at least one more time. With his last breath, Jacks laughed bitterly.
THE IF I CAN’T HAVE HIM, NO ONE CAN BOWL
“Dark Lady,” Cher, 1974
vs. “Angie Baby,” Helen Reddy, 1974
Two more charttoppers, these about women who trap men into horrible fates. First, Cher visits a fortune teller and learns that her man is being unfaithful, then learns that the fortune teller herself is the other woman. Naturally, she shoots them dead on the spot. Then, Reddy tells of a girl who has an active fantasy life built around songs she hears on the radio. One day, a neighbor boy comes over to her house with impure intentions, but Angie somehow traps him and...kills him? Kidnaps him and makes him her sex slave? Does the boy even exist? It’s not clear.
Final Score: Helen 3, Cher 0 (forfeit). A bizarre situation. The Cher team seemed to be thrown when they were approached by a psychic, who told them not to bother showing up to the game. Despite this, they took the field, but as they did, some strange music came blaring over the PA. Then it slowly got quieter and quieter, and then Cher and her team seemed to vanish into thin air. Helen then led her team out, and they all stood around confused for a while, wondering where their opponents went. A search was conducted, and attempts at contact were made, but after an hour, Angie Baby was declared the walkover winner. The whereabouts of Cher and company remain a mystery, and officials have announced that there will be enchanted security measures at the next Angie Baby game, with special attention given to limiting access to the public address system.
THE SEX=DEATH BOWL
“Judy Mae,” Boomer Castleman, 1975
vs. “ Run Joey Run,” David Geddes, 1975
Two songs about sexual encounters that lead to tragedy. First, Texan Castleman went to #33 with a country-folk tune about a teen boy who is seduced by his father’s new young wife, only to have his dad catch them together and drive off in a distraught state, causing a fatal accident. That same year, Michigander Geddes had a #4 with a song about a teenager whose girlfriend is abused by her father after he finds out she’s pregnant. He comes to her aid, but her father attempts to shoot him, but Julie, the girlfriend, takes the bullet and dies.
Final Score: Joey 56, Judy 6. A dominant performance by the Geddes team. Boomer tried to just be subtle and quiet and hoped to stay close until a big finish, but with constant, overwhelming melodrama, Joey ran all over them.
THE WE MIGHT AS WELL COME OVER THERE OURSELVES BOWL
“Billy, Don’t Be a Hero,” Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods
vs. “The Night Chicago Died,” Paper Lace, 1974
Two historical tales that were both hits at home for Britain’s Paper Lace, but only one of them succeeded in its original form in the U.S. First, Cincinnati’s Donaldson and company took the Lace’s U.K. charttopper about a young man who volunteers for a war and dies risking his life despite his fiancee’s explicit instructions to the contrary to #1 themselves. Paper Lace decided not to make that same mistake with their next single, a story about a Chicago policeman who survives the Prohibition-era war between the cops and Al Capone’s gang, and they were rewarded with an American Number One of their own.
Final Score: Chicago 45, Billy 24. Billy’s heroics were no match for the combined firepower of he Paper Lace original. He was carried off the field after a noble effort, while his opponents sang “Nanana, nanana, nana na na na, na na.” But brother, what a fight it really was.
THE HOW SWEET THE SOUND BOWL
“Amazing Grace,” Judy Collins, 1970
vs. “Amazing Grace,” The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards, 1972
Two hit versions of the 1779 hymn by English clergyman John Newton. First, folk singer Collins reached #15 with a minimalist sung version. Two years later, a Scottish military band got to #11 with a bagpipe-heavy instrumental take.
Final Score: Scots 21, Collins 15. It was a numbers game. Judy tried to do too much on her own, but got conquered in the end by Scottish teamwork.
THE JESUS FREAKS OUT IN THE STREETS BOWL
“Superstar,” Murray Head, 1970
vs. “Day by Day,” Godspell, 1972
Two hits from stage musicals that retold the story of the Christian messiah. First, British singer Head took the showpiece song from Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar to number 14. Two years later, the cast of an off-Broadway music based on many of Jesus’ parables got one place higher with a simple prayer for a better relationship with God.
Final Score: Superstar 47, Day 3. The flashier plays designed by coach Webber made the Godspell crew look like a ragtag bunch of clowns and misfits.
THE HEY, GOD’S STILL COOL BOWL
“Put Your Hand in the Hand,” Ocean, 1971
vs. “Jesus is Just Alright,” The Doobie Brothers, 1972
Two more modern songs about Christianity. First, a Toronto band got to #2 with a bit of pop evangelism that bears some sonic similarities to fellow Canucks The Band. A year later, San Jose’s Doobies made it to #35 with a rock tune about what a groovy dude the Son of Man is.
Final Score: Doobies 6, Ocean 0. These two teams were too mellow to do much competing. The Ocean team never even touched the ball, choosing to put their hands elsewhere. The Doobies didn’t do much either, but they actually said the name of who they were singing about, and that was worth a couple field goals.
THE STRAIGHT OUTTA THE BIBLE BOWL
“The Lord’s Prayer,” Sister Janet Mead, 1974
vs, “Rivers of Babylon,” Boney M, 1978
Two hits that contain lyrics drawn from the Good Book itself. First, Australian nun Mead got to #4 with a pop/rock song version of the prayer Jesus taught during the Sermon on the Mount. Then, a German disco group made it to #30 with a tune that takes its words from Psalms 19 and 133
Final Score: Prayer 59, Babylon 13. The game started with some controversy, as the players on the Boney M team did not be the same ones pictured in the game program. But the match was allowed to proceed, and Sister Janet’s squad were in control from the start. Every play they ran seemed to have the desired outcome, as if there was some sort of divine intervention. After the game, the defeated team sat down and wept, then left the stadium saying the words “Remember Zion.” So the Aussie team moves on without even having to call their famous Hail Mary play.
THE JEWS FOR JESUS BOWL
“Spirit in the Sky,” Norman Greenbaum, 1970
vs. “Gotta Serve Somebody,” Bob Dylan, 1979
In the 70s, even people born into the Jewish faith found it prudent to sing about Jesus of Nazareth. First, Massachusetts native Greenbaum got to #3 by boasting of how his friendship with Christ will set him up for an eternal reward. At the other end of the decade, the man born Robert Zimmerman reached #24 with a number declaring that no matter who you are, you will ultimately have to choose between good and evil and their respective embodiments.
Final Score: Dylan 14, Greenbaum 13. Bob wins right at the end with an improbable score followed by a dramatic conversion.
THE SATAN’S WAITIN’ BOWL
“(Don’t Worry) If There’s a Hell Below We’re All Going to Go,” Curtis Mayfield, 1970
vs. “Devil’s Gun,” C.J. and Company, 1977
Two songs that make reference to the dark side of the afterlife. First, Curtis returns with a funky warning that people from every race and walk of life are in danger of damnation if they keep mistreating one another, which he took to #29. Seven years later, a Detroit disco group compared the ever-present threat of hellfire to having a firearm constantly pointed at you, and in doing so made it to #36.
Final Score: Curtis 49, C.J. 28. Both songs made impressive attempts to take their opponent down, but the frank and foreboding execution of Mayfield’s bunch eventually convinced their opposition that all was lost. I would suggest that whoever they face in the next round should indeed worry.
THE I WANT A DIRECT LINE TO THE MAN IN CHARGE BOWL
“Speak to the Sky,” Rick Springfield, 1972
vs. “Operator,” The Manhattan Transfer, 1975
Two hits about talking to God. Aussie Springfield made his first chart impression when he reached #14 with a jazzy tune recommending regular conversations with The Man Upstairs. Three years later, a New York vocal with a gospelish number about trying to reach Jesus by telephone.
Final Score: Operator 20, Sky 10. The Manhattanites just played with more passion. Afterwards, Springfield decided to turn his head earthward, in the direction of a woman who happened to be in a relationship with one of his friends. Wonder how that worked out?
THE NO, I DON’T CALL MYSELF A “KRISTIAN” BOWL
“Why Me, Lord,” Kris Kristofferson, 1973
vs, “One Day at a Time,” Marilyn Sellars, 1974
A couple of songs about Jesus written by prolific songwriter Kristofferson. First, he went to #16 with his own recording of a sinner’s plea for forgiveness and redemption. Then, Minnesota singer Sellars got to #37 by asking the Lord’s help to get through the daily trials of life,
Final Score: Marilyn 10, Kris 7 (OT): There wasn’t much between these two, who employed remarkably similar strategies. In the end, Sellars was just a little bolder, going for the win with a long field goal and willing it to get through the goalposts, one yard at a time.
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