Another set of battles between 70s Top 40 hits that stood apart for one reason or another. Bring on the bowls!
THE CLASSICAL HAPPINESS BOWL
"A Song of Joy," Miguel Rios, 1970
vs. "Joy," Apollo 100, 1972
A couple updates of famous classical pieces. First, Spaniard Rios, who is credited as being his country's first rock star, adds his own lyrics to anot elaborate production of the "Ode to Joy" portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. It reached #14. Then, British instrumentalists Apollo 100 did an electric version of J.S. Bach's "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring," that got to #6
Final Score: Apollo 7, Rios 6. Close but uneventful. The Bach one just sounds a little more interesting. Plus ithe was used in the film Boogie Nights, and they do say football is a game of inches...
THE SOUND OF THE FUTURE THEN BOWL
"Popcorn," Hot Butter, 1972
vs. "Autobahn," Kraftwerk, 1975
Two early examples of electronic music. First, New York jazz musician Stan Free and his group used a Moog synthesizer to create a track that uses beeps to simulate the popping of corn. It hit #9. Three years later, a band from Dusseldorf, Germany took advantage of advancements in technology to create a piece evocative of driving fast on a German highway. A three-minute edit of the original 22 minute piece reached #25.
Final Score: Popcorn 28, Autobahn 20: In this contest, minimalism wins. "Autobahn" was and is unique, but it has always sounded like, you know, a
song. "Popcorn," on the other hand, always sounded like something that didn't take much effort. You can probably make more sophisticated music these days with a phone app. Besides, what do Germans know about American football?
THE THIS IS GREAT, BUT HOW DO WE MAKE IT SPEAK TO THE KIDS BOWL
"Also Sprach Zarathustra (2001)," Deodato, 1973
vs. "A Fifth of Beethoven," Walter Murphy, 1976
A couple more classical updates, First, Brazilian Eumir Deodato got to #2 with a jazz-funk take on a piece that Richard Strauss was inspired to write in 1896 by the writings of philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, and was later popularized by the 1968 film 2001: A Space Odyssey. Then, New York musician Murphy did a disco version of Beethoven's iconic Fifth Symphony, going all the way to #1.
Final Score: Deodato 44, Murphy 37. A back-and-fort, high-scoring contest, decided late into the game when the Zarathustras bring on their secret weapon: none other than the Nature Boy, Ric Flair. He's taken on more fifths in bars from one end of this world to the other than you can imagine. He struts down that field, styling and profiling all the way into the end zone for the winning TD. Woooooooo!
THE POLISH PRINCE BOWL
"My Melody of Love," Bobby Vinton, 1974
vs. "Beer Barrel Polka," Bobby Vinton, 1975
In the mid-70s, sixties crooner Vinton squeezed out two more hits by embracing his Polish heritage. First, he took a German hit, translated it into English and Polish, and got to #3. He followed it up with by covering an actual polka standard that dates back to 1927. This hit #33
Final Score: Beer 33, Love 3. Yeah, a waltzy tune with foreign choruses was kind of strange, but getting genuine Polka on pop radio meant that "Melody of Love" gets Barrelled over.
THE WHY SHOULDN'T THIS SONG HAVE A DISCO VERSION BOWL
"Baby Face," Wing and a Prayer Fife and Drum Corps, 1975
vs. "Chattanooga Choo Choo," Tuxedo Junction, 1978
Jazz age disco battle! First, an anonymous studio group put all the touches of the time on a 1926 tune about cuteness, reaching #14. Then, a different anonymous group brought a 1941 Glenn Miller tune about a Tennessee train to the dance floor, and to #32 in the charts.
Final Score: Chattanooga 29, Baby 13. The Junction picked a more interesting song, and put more effort in. A wing and a prayer wasn't enough to start anything.
THE LET'S MAKE IT SOUND JUST LIKE IT DID BACK THEN BOWL
"Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy," Bette Midler, 1973
vs. "The Entertainer," Marvin Hamlisch, 1974
A pair of faithful anachronisms. First, the Divine Miss M scored a #8 by mimicking The Andrews Sisters on the tale of a jazz horn player who was finds his niche in the military, which they introduced in the Abbott and Costello filmy Buck Privates. A year later, composer and arranger Hamlisch reached #3 with a straight up version of a Scott Joplin rag, which he recreated for the 1973 film The Sting.
Final Score: Boogie 28, Entertainer 27. Excruciatingly close. Neither of these seemed like surefire pop smashes at the time. In the end, Bette's company jumped when the bugle boy and his band played one more "Reveille," allowing them to end up on top.
HE PLUCK AND CLUCK BOWL
"Duelling Banjos," Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandell, 1973
vs. "In the Mood," Henhouse Five Plus Too, 1977
A couple of interesting songs without words. First, Weissberg and Mandell went to #2 with their string duet from the movie Deliverance. Four years later, novelty artist Stevens slipped into the #40 spot by mimicking a chicken to the tune of one of Glenn Miller's best-known numbers.
Final Score: Banjos 28, Mood 14. A close contest for most of the way, but in the fourth quarter the Banjos team overpowered the opposition and made the chickens squeal like pigs.
THE CRANK UP THE COVERS BOWL
"House of the Rising Sun," Frijid Pink, 1970
vs. "Summertime Blues," The Who, 1970
Two hard rock bands made oldies louder. First, Detroit's Frijid Pink got to #7 with a cover of a folk-derived blues song popularized by The Animals in 1964. Later that year, The Who got to #27 with a live, powerful cover of Eddie Cochrane's 1958 teenage lament.
Final Score: Who 38, Pink 10. The Who just blew the competition away with their decibels. Watching the action was a cheer section. A Blue Cheer section, in fact, taking notes of the fact that distorting songs like this was their idea, which they introduced on a cover of, well whaddaya know, "Summertime Blues."
THE SGT. PEPPER OR PET SOUNDS BOWL
"Mr. Blue Sky, " Electric Light Orchestra, 1978
vs, "Tusk," Fleetwood Mac, 1979
A couple songs that evoke iconic albums by the Beatles and Beach Boys, respectively. First, ELO got to #35 with an elaborate production evoking sunshine and happiness that sounds like an extension of the middle section of the Fabs' "A Day in the Life." Then, at the end of the decade, the Mac picked up a #8 with their own big sounding opus, which featured some interesting harmonies, found sounds, and even the University of Southern California marching band, showing an ambition reminiscent of Brian Wilson.
Final Score: Tusk 41, Sky 24. ELO had a big vision, but Fleetwood Mac were powered by both vision and voluminous amounts of drugs, and there's no testing in this tournament. Unlike the 1982 Cal-Stanford game, having a marching band come onto the field actually helped.
THE ESL BOWL
"Kiss in the Dark," Pink Lady, 1979
vs. "Saturday Night," Herman Brood and His Wild Romance, 1979
A pair of hits from acts where English is a foreign language. First, a pair of Japanese ladies who were huge stars at home made it to #37 by phonetically singing about a no good lover to substandard disco. The same year, Dutchman Brood, a man who lived the sex-drugs-rock n'roll lifestyle to its fullest picked up a Stateside #35 with a grimy rocker about street life.
Final Score: Brood 49, Pink 13. A blowout. The Ladies blended in too well, as their hit was pretty part for the course, and their accents are imperceptible. Brood, on the other hand, lets all his Europeanness and self-nihilism out in a way that you can almost hear the sleaze and depravity. Fear not for the losers, however, as shortly after their song came out, they got a deal with NBC to host a variety show. I see nothing but good things for that project.
THE SPINNING YOUR HEAD, AND OPTIONALLY, THE REST OF YOUR BODY AROUND BOWL
"Tubular Bells," Mike Oldfield, 1974
vs. "Music Box Dancer," Frank Mills, 1979
Two piano-driven instrumentals. First, Britain's Oldfield got to #7 with three minutes of a haunting album-length piece, parts of which were used to great effect in the 1973 horror classic The Exorcist. Six years later, Canadian Mills made it to #3 with a tinkly piano tune that had no horrific associations whatsoever.
Final Score: Bells 66, Box 3. A truly unholy beatdown. "Music Box Dancer" was kinda different, but did it make you picture vomit and desecration of holy symbols? Well, maybe for the odd person, but for the most part, that was saved for its opponent.
THE NO, NONSENSE BOWL
"Gimme Dat Ding," The Pipkins, 1970
vs. "Chick-a-Boom (Don't Ya Jes' Love It)," Daddy Dewdrop, 1971
A couple numbers that are just plain silly. First, a British duo makes an unclear demand, with one guy sounding like a muppet and the other singing very gravelly, going to #9 in the process. Then, Cleveland's Dick Monda got his own #9 with his tale of chasing a mysterious lady in a bikini through three doors leading to exotic locale.
Final Score: Ding 16, Boom 9. The Pipkins enigmatic approach prevailed over Dewdrop's strange but straightforward storytelling. No one could tell where they were going. But Daddy got some consolaction when he opened the door to his locker room after the game and found the girl in the bikini waiting for him. He jes' loved that.
THE GO-KART MOZART SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THAT RACE BOWL
"Hot Rod Lincoln," Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen, 1972
vs. "Blinded by the Light," Manfred Mann's Earth Band, 1977
A couple of songs that are, in their own ways, hard to keep up with. First, Michigan country-rockers Cody and Co. got to #9 with their tale of a street race involving a souped-up Model A Ford. Then, Mr. Mann and his band went all the way to #1 with a cover of a 1973 Bruce Springsteen tune with inscrutable lyrics and Seussian rhymes.
Final Score; Light 41, Lincoln 16. A comfortable win for the Earth Band, who confused the defense when their quarterback would call signals like "Teenage Diplomat! Silicone Sister! Dethrone the Dictaphone! Hut!" Afterward, coach Cody told his defeated charges, "Boys, you're gonna drive me to drinkin'.
THE HAIRY CHESTS AND MEDALLIONS EVERYWHERE BOWL
"Feelings," Morris Albert, 1975
vs. "After the Lovin'," Engelbert Humperdinck, 1977
Two of the decade's most overwrought ballads. First, Brazil's Albert got to #6 with a whiny, whoa-oh-oh-ful tune about trying to forget. Then, the former Arnold Dorsey made it to #8 with an overblown post-costal tribute to his lady.
Final Score: Feelings 30, Lovin' 20. Yes, Engelbert is overtly creepy on his hit, but there's something even scarier about Morris' whinier approach. You don't know how far he'll go to forget his feelings. Humperdinck must take his lovin' elsewhere.
THE HOW DID THEY GET THAT SOUND BOWL
"Double Barrel," Dave and Ansil Collins, 1971
vs. "Do You Feel Like We Do," Peter Frampton, 1976
Two tracks with some sonic peculiarities. First, a Jamaican duo climbed to #22 with a bouncy reggae tune heavily featuring echo effects. Then, British rocker Frampton made it to #10 with a live performance best remembered for his use of the "talk box," a device that allows a musician to filter his voice through an electric guitar.
Final Score: Feel 14, Barrel 7. Frampton's use of the talk box to call plays at the line confused both teams, but his own just a little less, and at the end of the game, they came alive and got the W.
THE LOT OF 'SPLAININ' TO DO BOWL
"Get Dancin'," Disco Tex and the Sex-O-Lettes, 1975
vs. "Disco Lucy," Wilson Place Street Band, 1977
Two strange disco tracks. First, celebrity hairdresser Monti Rock III delivered rapid-fire self-promotional patter over nonsensical backup vocals on a #10 hit. Then, a group of Los Angeles musicians were assembled in a studio for the sole purpose of recording a disco version of the theme to I Love Lucy. They were rewarded for their efforts with a #24 hit.
Final Score: Tex 55, Lucy 21. It was close after two quarters, but after the halftime show featuring the clean-cut youngsters of Hooray for Everything, Tex and the Lettes stomped the opposition like Italian grapes, leaving the Wilson street gang looking as lost as two candy company employees trying to keep up with a high-speed conveyor belt.
We'll be back to charts next time, but this tournament will continue soon enough. See you soon.
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