We’ve arrived at the Uneasy Eight. All of these songs have proved their oddness against a gauntlet of curiosities. But which of them will go one step further? Time to find out.
THE DON’T DEMONIZE ME BRO BOWL
“The Americans,” Byron MacGregor, 1974
vs. “Tubular Bells,” Mike Oldfield, 1974
HOW THEY GOT HERE
THE AMERICANS
Chart Peak: 4
Round 1: Defeated “The Americans” 50-30 (He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother, Even Though He Spells Neighbour Without the U Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Give Ireland Back to the Irish” 45-12 (Opinionated Outsider Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “I Am Woman” 42-21 (Hear Them Roar Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “What the World Needs Now is Love/Abraham, Martin and John” 38-14 (Give the U.S. Some Sugar Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “Convention ‘72” 31-24 (Yankee Doodle Dandies Bowl)
TUBULAR BELLS
Chart Peak: 7
Round 1: Defeated “Music Box Dancer” 66-3 (Spinning Your Head, And Optionally, The Rest of Your Body Around Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Do You Feel Like We Do” 54-3 (Pazuzu Comes Alive Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Popcorn” 20-19 (Cinema Concession Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Dueling Banjos” 13-10 (OT) (Unpleasant Images are Brought to Mind Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “Blinded by the Light” 24-14 (Who Made the Calliope Crash to the Ground Bowl)
First Half: The Americans scored points by generously spreading the ball around. The Bells may not have appreciated that sort of teamwork, but they weren’t able to stop them for much of the half. The more selfish Oldfield team had most of the possession, but while they were spectacularly, they were inefficient and sloppy.
Halftime Score: Americans 21, Bells 10.
Second Half: MacGregor’s team continued with the same approach, and it remained effective until they seemed to run out of steam in the last few minutes, However, they had built up enough of a lead that even a last desperate effort to avoid being driven out of the tournament fell short. One of the Bells players did appear to be about to recover a late onside kick, but the ball suddenly flew away from him and all the way out of the stadium, where it exploded into a cloud of sulphur and black flies. The Americans were able to take a knee and run out the clock, and strangely, the entire team remained on their knees as their opponents ran out of the stadium, apparently looking for a new tournament to enter.
Final Score: Americans 38, Bells 31. A dark cloud has been lifted from the tournament, and the most passionate defense in this competition moves on. They are earning more respect all the time, although grudgingly. But will respect be enough to take them all the way?
THE THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T PUT IN YOUR BODY BOWL
“Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
vs. “King Heroin,” James Brown, 1972
HOW THEY GOT HERE
TIMOTHY
Chart Peak: 17
Round 1: Defeated “Freddie’s Dead” 49-10 (The Dead Men Had Names Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Run Joey Run” 55-6 (God What Did They Do Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Angie Baby” 63-56 (Mysterious Disappearance Bowl
Round 4: Defeated “D.O.A.” 24-23 (Death in the Air and Below the Ground Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “The Lord’s Prayer,” 14-7 (Praying for Rescue Bowl)
KING HEROIN
Chart Peak: 40
Round 1: Defeated “Once You Understand” 35-34 (Smack is Wack Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Wildwood Weed” 56-7 (Needle in a...I Don’t Think That’s a Stack of Hay Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Earache My Eye Featuring Alice Bowie 56-3 (Smack Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Walk on the Wild Side” 53-3 (It’s My Life, It’s My Wife Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” 31-19 (Sex or Drugs Bowl)
First Half: Heroin made their presence felt early, and took over the first quarter. But Timothy’s team seemed to find ways to get out of the grasp of the Brown defenders. But when the break came, they still found themselves buried quite deep, and it was thought that drastic measures would have to be taken to escape with victory.
Halftime Score: Heroin 28, Timothy 10.
Second Half: The Timothy team emerged from the locker room. At least most of them. A few players did not come out for the rest of the game, and were not seen afterward, although no one saw them leave. But the remaining squad seemed shot full of energy and strength, and they were able to throw off the tenacious tackles of their opponents on multiple occasions, including on the fourth-and-goal run that produced the tying touchdown just as regulation time expired.
End of Regulation: Heroin 31, Timothy 31
Overtime: Brown’s team won the toss and elected to receive. The Buoys knew the danger of trying to kick to Heroin, so they went for an onside kick and, against the odds, recovered. They took over knowing that they would have to go through hell to get away from their dangerous opposition, but the Timothys didn’t seem fazed by that, as if they’d been in much tougher situations. They knew what they had to do to survive, and they did it, methodically driving their way to paydirt and the game-winning touchdown.
Final Score: Timothy 37, Heroin 31 (OT) We say good by to King Heroin and their white horse mascot, whom fans were warned not to touch. Their winning habit was finally broken. But the Buoys continue to find ways to get out of even the most impossible-looking situations, and they will carry on. How many more great escapes do they have in them?
THE BIRTHDAY SUIT BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs. “The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974
HOW THEY GOT HERE
RUBBER DUCKIE
Chart Peak: 16
Round 1: Defeated “Disco Duck” 35-21 (Quack Attack Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Rainbow Connection” 21-17 (Jim Henson Memorial Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Teddy Bear” 28-6 (Toy Animals Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Funky Worm” 45-24 (The Clean and the Dirty Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “Muskrat Love” 28-21 (Fowl Rodents Bowl)
THE STREAK
Chart Peak: 1
Round 1: Defeated “Superfly Meets Shaft” 45-3 (Naked Blaxploitation Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Dynomite” 55-0 (Making a Wave When You Can Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces” 33-31 (Too Many Balls on the Court Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Rubber Biscuit” 41-10 (Naked Hunger Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft” 14-0 (Unusual Sightings Bowl)
First Half: Both teams came out dressed, or rather undressed, for an occasion other than a football game. But when it kicked off, it was clear that Ernie’s team were focused on a goal, while the Streakers just wanted to show off. And when Ray’s team did try to concentrate, the Duckies proved elusive, bouncing off tacklers and always managing to slip away.
Halftime Score: Duckie 27, Streak 0.
Second Half: The play was a little more even, but the Rubber men were still clearly the better team, playing very cleanly in a way that their opponents could not cope with. A late run to daylight by Streak cheerleader-turned-player Ethel prevented a shutout.
Final Score: Duckie 44, Streak 7. For much of the tournament, it seemed like the Streak team were beyond embarrassment, but they ran into an opponent that was more amused than shocked by their approach and were forced to walk away with their, um, tails between their legs. And Rubber Duckie continues to bathe in the spotlight of the tournament. Will they continue to clean up all the way to the end?
THE YOU JUST KILLED A MAN? HOLD MY BEER BOWL
“The Battle Hymn of Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen, 1975
HOW THEY GOT HERE
THE BATTLE HYMN OF LT. CALLEY
Chart Peak: 37
Round 1: Defeated “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” 51-19 (Real Life Mass Death Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Fernando” 49-0 (What Did You Do in the War Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Amos Moses” 42-13 (Shoot the Gator, Ask Questions Later Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree” 35-21 (Products of Different Industrial Complexes Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “I.O.U.” 17-14 (Mom and the Army Bowl)
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
Chart Peak: 9
Round 1: Defeated “Summer Nights” 40-13 (Big Production Number Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey” 49-10 (We’re So Sorry We Just Killed a Man Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Junk Food Junkie” 55-3 (I See a Little Silhouette of a Can of Dr. Pepper Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “American Pie” 22-19 (2OT) (The Queen Sang Along with the Jester Bowl)
Round 5: Defeated “The King is Gone,” 30-10 (Ruling Couple Bowl)
First Half: The two teams spent the first quarter proving to each other how dangerous they could be, with a slight edge to the Bohemians. But in the second quarter, the Calley defense stepped up big time, while the Queen team seemed to lose steam, seemingly waiting for the break to recharge and come out fighting in the second half.
Halftime Score: Calley 13, Bohemian 7.
Second Half: The Rhapsody came out of the locker room with fire and fury, storming their opponents at a furious pace. Both teams scored touchdowns on their first posessions, but Queen kept coming, setting C Company back on their heels, doing little on offense while their defense tried desperately to hang on. In the end, the Lieutenant’s platoon lost the battle.
Final Score: Bohemian 31, Calley 20. Many observers considered this an upset, as they were certain that military discipline could not be defeated by anyone in this tournament, and certainly not a bunch of ostentatious Brits. And losing coach Terry Nelson did not take the loss well, blaming it on fans who questioned their tactics, people who didn’t even think they should be in the tournament, and anyone who’s never been in combat. But none of that matters. Some would even say that nothing really matters. Regardless, Queen’s procession moves on to the semifinals.
Down to the Final Four. Just two steps away from determining the Uneasiest Rider of all. But before that, we go back to Britain. Hop across the pond with me then, won’t you?
Friday, May 31, 2019
Thursday, May 23, 2019
...And as Years Go By: CT50 May 8, 1982
May 1982 in the Great White North. This month, Peru asked Canada to intervene in the war between Britain and Argentina over the Falkland Islands. We declined, I assume, politely. The fiercest battles we were involved in may have been on our pop chart. Let’s have a look.
Bonus Track: “Nova Heart,” The Spoons (CanCon!)
The Burlington band’s first hit was a week away from reaching the Top 50, and got as high as #40. It’s synth-heavy New Wave about how a new generation will reinvent architecture and art. The topic is a bit highbrow, but the music is synthetically irresistible. One of the bands that gave CanCon a good name in the 80s.
50 - “One World,” Utopia
Todd Rundgren’s band scored his biggest hit up here with this peppy rocker about how in spite of the sinister machinations of governments and corporations, people can control their world by their everyday interactions and activities. That may be more in line with the name of the band than reality, but it’s nice to believe it for three-and-a-half minutes.
49 - “Only a Fool,” Trooper (CanCon!)
The Vancouver stalwarts were waning, but they managed to hit with this power ballad about enduring things you perhaps shouldn’t to maintain a relationship. It sounds like a determined move to break America, and it sounds appropriately desperate and polished. They weren’t there for a good time, and they listeners doesn’t have one either,
47 - “Some Kinda Fun,” Teenage Head (CanCon!)
The Hamilton punk-pop legends had their biggest hit with this blitz through a 1962 single by L.A. pop singer Chris Montez. The lyrics are about the joy of dancing to rock n’roll, and even though the Watusi and the Locomotion aren’t the first steps that come to mind when you hear this take, it captures the exhilaration of youth in a way that works spectacularly. If Canada has a Ramones, it’s these guys.
46 - “Hiding From Love,” Rosetta Stone (CanCon!)
This Northern Irish band was formed in the 70s, and were contemporaries of the Bay City Rollers. But the biggest hit they ever managed was up here, with this cover of a song that its composer, Bryan Adams, had taken to #64 two years earlier. This version has more keyboard on it, and maybe that made it friendlier for pop stations. But it’s a great song, and you appreciate that more on Bryan’s original.
44 - “Over the Line,” Eddie Schwartz (CanCon!)
Torontonian Schwartz is best known for the hits other people had with his songs, notably Pat Benatar (“Hit Me with Your Best Shot”) and Paul Carrack (“Don’t Shed a Tear”). But he did manage one American Top 40 hit with “All Our Tomorrows,” and a handful of others at home, including this very 80s rocker about finding love. This is like Canadian Eddie Money, and if I were an American retailer, I would accept it at par.
40 - “There are No Secrets,” Straight Lines (CanCon!)
This Vancouver band were signed by Bruce Allen, the manager who guided the careers of fellow West Coasters Bryan Adams and Loverboy. Their first hit, the power ballad “Letting Go,” was a Top Ten hit, but this similar follow-up didn’t do quite as well, and the returns continued to diminish. I can’t say that wasn’t warranted. But at least guitarist David Sinclair would be on a future #1, as part of the backing band for Northern Lights charity hit “Tears are Not Enough.”
39 - “Right the First Time,” Gamma
San Francisco guitarist Ronnie Montrose first broke in as a session player, then had some success with a band that bore his surname (whose first two albums featured Sammy Hagar on lead vocals). In 1979, he formed a new, poppier band. They didn’t get to the top half of the Hot 100 at home, but they did manage to reach the Top 30 here with this basic rocker about making love work. Again, if you were to create some sort of 1982 Rock Song Generator, it wouldn’t take long to produce a song that sounded a lot like this.
36 - “Fits Ya Good,” Bryan Adams (CanCon!)
Speaking of Mr. Adams, here he is with his domestic chart breakthrough. I’m not really sure what the lyrics mean. Is he praising or insulting his lover? Can’t really tell. But it’s tuneful, unapologetic rock, and that covers its sins of vagueness.
28 - “Man on the Corner,” Genesis
Phil, Mike and Tony made it higher here than in the U’s with this song about a person whose alone and shouting on the streets. The message about homelessness is more subtle than it would be seven years later when Phil did “Another Day in Paradise,” and that makes it a more effective message and a better song.
22 - “What Kind of Love is This,” Streetheart (CanCon!)
This band formed when two musicians from Regina, Saskatchewan moved to Winnipeg and met three other guys. Then two of them left to join Loverboy. Then they had a Top Twenty with a cover of the Stones’ “Under My Thumb.” Then they came two places short of that with one more hit, this power ballad about a dying romance. It’s unremarkable-but-sturdy CanCon like this that was the foundation of our pop radio for the entirety of the 70s and 80s.
10 - “Make a Move on Me,” Olivia Newton-John
ONJ’s slinky followup to “Physical.” Top Five in North America, missed the Top 40 in Britain. We were right. It just fits her much better than it’s predecessor.
9 - “Open Arms,” Journey
The pinnacle of their slow-songcraft, and a cross-border #2. There are only a handful of truly essential power ballads, and this is one.
8 - “We Got The Beat,” The Go-Go
Another cross-border Top Five. Another blast of celebratory youth exuberance. With this and “Some Kinda Fun” you’ve got the anchors for any party playlist.
7 - “Ebony and Ivory,” Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
The Triple Crown duet that just couldn’t cure racism. But it taught people what piano keys are made of, so it had some educational value.
6 - “Chariots of Fire,” Vangelis
The Greek composer’s theme to a movie about Brits running in Amsterdam went to #1 in the States, and Top Five here. But it missed the Top Ten in the U.K. I’m making a surprised face in slow motion in reaction to that.
5 - “Freeze-Frame,” The J. Geils Band
The theme of North American Top Fives that miss that mark in Britain continues with the Bostonians’ photography-based pop bouncer. Contrary to the title, the song makes it hard to keep still.
4 - “Don’t Talk to Strangers,” Rick Springfield
And again, with the Aussie soap stars paranoid instruction to his girlfriend. Maybe it wasn’t even released in Europe, for fear of slick Continental dudes hearing it and being inspired to steal Rick’s lady just for shits and giggles.
3 - “Key Largo,” Bertie Higgins
This almost fits the theme, but Elbert Higgins’ sappy ballad comparing his relationship to a Bogart/Bacall film only hit #8 in the States. But he was apparently friends with Burt Reynolds, and that’s more than I’ve got.
2 - “Don’t You Want Me,” The Human League
Another Triple Crown winner, and one of the best. It’s kind of like a miniature version of a classic Hollywood rags-to-riches movie. I’m picturing Clark Gable and Grace Kelly in the leads. And now I’m sad that it was never made.
1 - “I Love Rock n’Roll,” Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
The biggest hit from rock’s coolest chick. Britain denied it a Triple Crown by three spots, but that does nothing to detract from its crunching catchiness. At least during this song’s duration, you can’t help but love it too.
Next time, we will stage the tournament quarterfinals. Who gets the glory of reaching the final four of my completely meaningless and arbitrary competition? Find out soon.
Bonus Track: “Nova Heart,” The Spoons (CanCon!)
The Burlington band’s first hit was a week away from reaching the Top 50, and got as high as #40. It’s synth-heavy New Wave about how a new generation will reinvent architecture and art. The topic is a bit highbrow, but the music is synthetically irresistible. One of the bands that gave CanCon a good name in the 80s.
50 - “One World,” Utopia
Todd Rundgren’s band scored his biggest hit up here with this peppy rocker about how in spite of the sinister machinations of governments and corporations, people can control their world by their everyday interactions and activities. That may be more in line with the name of the band than reality, but it’s nice to believe it for three-and-a-half minutes.
49 - “Only a Fool,” Trooper (CanCon!)
The Vancouver stalwarts were waning, but they managed to hit with this power ballad about enduring things you perhaps shouldn’t to maintain a relationship. It sounds like a determined move to break America, and it sounds appropriately desperate and polished. They weren’t there for a good time, and they listeners doesn’t have one either,
47 - “Some Kinda Fun,” Teenage Head (CanCon!)
The Hamilton punk-pop legends had their biggest hit with this blitz through a 1962 single by L.A. pop singer Chris Montez. The lyrics are about the joy of dancing to rock n’roll, and even though the Watusi and the Locomotion aren’t the first steps that come to mind when you hear this take, it captures the exhilaration of youth in a way that works spectacularly. If Canada has a Ramones, it’s these guys.
46 - “Hiding From Love,” Rosetta Stone (CanCon!)
This Northern Irish band was formed in the 70s, and were contemporaries of the Bay City Rollers. But the biggest hit they ever managed was up here, with this cover of a song that its composer, Bryan Adams, had taken to #64 two years earlier. This version has more keyboard on it, and maybe that made it friendlier for pop stations. But it’s a great song, and you appreciate that more on Bryan’s original.
44 - “Over the Line,” Eddie Schwartz (CanCon!)
Torontonian Schwartz is best known for the hits other people had with his songs, notably Pat Benatar (“Hit Me with Your Best Shot”) and Paul Carrack (“Don’t Shed a Tear”). But he did manage one American Top 40 hit with “All Our Tomorrows,” and a handful of others at home, including this very 80s rocker about finding love. This is like Canadian Eddie Money, and if I were an American retailer, I would accept it at par.
40 - “There are No Secrets,” Straight Lines (CanCon!)
This Vancouver band were signed by Bruce Allen, the manager who guided the careers of fellow West Coasters Bryan Adams and Loverboy. Their first hit, the power ballad “Letting Go,” was a Top Ten hit, but this similar follow-up didn’t do quite as well, and the returns continued to diminish. I can’t say that wasn’t warranted. But at least guitarist David Sinclair would be on a future #1, as part of the backing band for Northern Lights charity hit “Tears are Not Enough.”
39 - “Right the First Time,” Gamma
San Francisco guitarist Ronnie Montrose first broke in as a session player, then had some success with a band that bore his surname (whose first two albums featured Sammy Hagar on lead vocals). In 1979, he formed a new, poppier band. They didn’t get to the top half of the Hot 100 at home, but they did manage to reach the Top 30 here with this basic rocker about making love work. Again, if you were to create some sort of 1982 Rock Song Generator, it wouldn’t take long to produce a song that sounded a lot like this.
36 - “Fits Ya Good,” Bryan Adams (CanCon!)
Speaking of Mr. Adams, here he is with his domestic chart breakthrough. I’m not really sure what the lyrics mean. Is he praising or insulting his lover? Can’t really tell. But it’s tuneful, unapologetic rock, and that covers its sins of vagueness.
28 - “Man on the Corner,” Genesis
Phil, Mike and Tony made it higher here than in the U’s with this song about a person whose alone and shouting on the streets. The message about homelessness is more subtle than it would be seven years later when Phil did “Another Day in Paradise,” and that makes it a more effective message and a better song.
22 - “What Kind of Love is This,” Streetheart (CanCon!)
This band formed when two musicians from Regina, Saskatchewan moved to Winnipeg and met three other guys. Then two of them left to join Loverboy. Then they had a Top Twenty with a cover of the Stones’ “Under My Thumb.” Then they came two places short of that with one more hit, this power ballad about a dying romance. It’s unremarkable-but-sturdy CanCon like this that was the foundation of our pop radio for the entirety of the 70s and 80s.
10 - “Make a Move on Me,” Olivia Newton-John
ONJ’s slinky followup to “Physical.” Top Five in North America, missed the Top 40 in Britain. We were right. It just fits her much better than it’s predecessor.
9 - “Open Arms,” Journey
The pinnacle of their slow-songcraft, and a cross-border #2. There are only a handful of truly essential power ballads, and this is one.
8 - “We Got The Beat,” The Go-Go
Another cross-border Top Five. Another blast of celebratory youth exuberance. With this and “Some Kinda Fun” you’ve got the anchors for any party playlist.
7 - “Ebony and Ivory,” Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
The Triple Crown duet that just couldn’t cure racism. But it taught people what piano keys are made of, so it had some educational value.
6 - “Chariots of Fire,” Vangelis
The Greek composer’s theme to a movie about Brits running in Amsterdam went to #1 in the States, and Top Five here. But it missed the Top Ten in the U.K. I’m making a surprised face in slow motion in reaction to that.
5 - “Freeze-Frame,” The J. Geils Band
The theme of North American Top Fives that miss that mark in Britain continues with the Bostonians’ photography-based pop bouncer. Contrary to the title, the song makes it hard to keep still.
4 - “Don’t Talk to Strangers,” Rick Springfield
And again, with the Aussie soap stars paranoid instruction to his girlfriend. Maybe it wasn’t even released in Europe, for fear of slick Continental dudes hearing it and being inspired to steal Rick’s lady just for shits and giggles.
3 - “Key Largo,” Bertie Higgins
This almost fits the theme, but Elbert Higgins’ sappy ballad comparing his relationship to a Bogart/Bacall film only hit #8 in the States. But he was apparently friends with Burt Reynolds, and that’s more than I’ve got.
2 - “Don’t You Want Me,” The Human League
Another Triple Crown winner, and one of the best. It’s kind of like a miniature version of a classic Hollywood rags-to-riches movie. I’m picturing Clark Gable and Grace Kelly in the leads. And now I’m sad that it was never made.
1 - “I Love Rock n’Roll,” Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
The biggest hit from rock’s coolest chick. Britain denied it a Triple Crown by three spots, but that does nothing to detract from its crunching catchiness. At least during this song’s duration, you can’t help but love it too.
Next time, we will stage the tournament quarterfinals. Who gets the glory of reaching the final four of my completely meaningless and arbitrary competition? Find out soon.
Saturday, May 18, 2019
AOMA: UKT40 May 18, 1985 Part Two
The other half.
20 - “Magic Touch,” Loose Ends
The London soul band’s second hit is decent enough sexy lite-funk. And a rare case where a sax solo works better than you thought it could.
19 - “Cry,” Godley and Creme
The third hit by 10cc members-turned-video directors Kev and Lol was this great synthrock ballad with an iconic video (directed by guess who). But only Canada made this a Top Ten. I guess we turned out to be the ones who knew how to ease their pain,
18 - “Would I Lie to You,” Eurythmics
Dave and Annie blend hard rock and soul and create attitudinal magic. Top Five in North America, but only #17 here. That’s a deceptive indicator of the song’s quality. So it might be said that you would lie to them.
17 - “We are the World,” USA for Africa
The Yankee response to “Do They Know it’s Christmas” won a Triple Crown, and topped the charts in at least thirteen other countries. A dated record, but there’s still a magic to the mini-duet between Stevie Wonder and Bruce Springsteen. It could have only happened then and there, and I’m glad it did.
16 - “One More Night,” Phil Collins
Phil’s first real syrupy slow jam was denied a Triple Crown by Britain, who held it to #4. That was nice of them. Phil’s head was too big for it here. And this sax solo is superfluous.
15 - “Kayleigh,” Marillion
The Aylesbury prog band had their biggest hit when this went to #2. It’s a ballad that singer Fish wrote about the good times he has with past lovers who he didn’t appreciate at the time. His voice kind of reminds me of none other than Phil Collins here, and which makes me compare it to Genesis’ pop period. And it’s better than anything from that catalogue.
14 - “Slave to Love,” Bryan Ferry
Ferry’s first solo hit after the breakup of Roxy Music was this lush, sensual ballad. It has a stuttery, urgent beauty. It’s probably best known these days as the song playing at the end of Kingsman: The Secret Service when the Swedish princess gives Eggsy his, um, reward.
13 - “I Want Your Lovin’ (Just A Little Bit),” Curtis Hairston
The only hit for this North Carolinian was this basic bit of uptempo R&B/pop. He’s clearly better than this neutered funk. I wonder if his work with the B.B.&Q. Band is better. They did have a couple of Brit hits themselves, so I may have cause to find out.
12 - “The Unforgettable Fire,” U2
The Irish quartet’s third Top Ten was this darkly atmospheric rocker apparently inspired by a museum exhibit about the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The music and lyrics create a sense of trying to find something to hold onto in the face of impending doom. It hasn’t been played to death here like many of their other hits, so it’s fresher and easier to appreciate for me.
11 - “I was Born to Love You,” Freddie Mercury
The first single from Freddie’s one true solo album was this exuberant dance-rocker about the joy of finding a soulmate. Not lyrically or musically groundbreaking, but it more than gets by on his charm and conviction. My conclusion from this was that he was born for Queen, and vice versa.
10 - “Don’t You (Forget About Me),” Simple Minds
The Scots’ Breakfast Club smash was held to #7 here, denying it the Triple Crown. I think that works. It’s a very good pop song, but it isn’t reflective of the band. They’d lean more pop after this, but this is an outlier even compared to that material.
9 - “Everybody Wants to Rule the World,” Tears for Fears
Another Triple Crown rejection, by a single place. But it was still the highest they ever got. You can’t always get everything you want. Thinking about it, a Tears for Fears version of “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” would have sounded more in character.
8 - “Love Don’t Live Here Anymore,” Jimmy Nail
Newcastle native James Bradford got his nickname after stepping on a spike while working in a glass factory. Shortly after that, he took up acting, and he landed a role in the hit sitcom Auf Wiedersehen, Pet. He was also a musician and singer, and his fame helped him launch a successful recording career, which began with this Top Five cover of a 1978 Rose Royce hit. This is a stark, sparse version that reflects the song’s theme, and Jimmy, pardon the pun, nails the vocal. This is not a Don Johnson situation. That bar is cleared with miles to spare.
7 - “A View to a Kill,” Duran Duran
Again the Brits block a bid from one of their own for a Triple Crown, and again by a single place. This one is the most unjust to me. There was no one at the time more suited to do a Bond theme, and they produced one of the best. It would make me dance into the fire.
6 - “Walls Come Tumbling Down,” The Style Council
The sixth Top Ten for Paul Weller’s second band may be the best combination of his socially aware rage and the big R&B sound he was now favouring, It’s like Northern Soul meeting punk about a decade late.
5 - “Feel So Real,” Steve Arrington
The Ohioans biggest hit was this chunk of danceable soul. It’s got a spark that I can’t quite identify, but it places it above the average of this genre.
4 - “Rhythm of the Night,” DeBarge
Motown’s big 80s family had their biggest success here with this playful, Latin-tinged Triple Top Five. It’s as plastic as you’d expect from a Diane Warren composition, but the performance makes you forget that it won’t biodegrade.
3 - “I Feel Love,” Bronski Beat and Marc Almond
Jimmy Somerville’s crew teamed up with Almond of the recently disbanded Soft Cell on a cover of the Donna Summer classic that also integrates John Leyton’s 1961 #1 “Johnny Remember Me.” Both songs and singers make strange combinations, but it all somehow makes fantastic sense, and the two of them are clearly having a ball.
2 - “Move Closer,” Phyllis Nelson
This Jacksonville singer found no mainstream success at home, but this sexy slowdance ballad went all the way over here. I’m sure it closed many a school disco, and led to a great deal of after-hours action. It achieves its goals spectacularly.
1 - “19,” Paul Hardcastle
The London DJ and producer had an unlikely hit by setting audio clips from an American TV documentary on the Vietnam War to dance beats. It also got to #2 in Canada, but was held to #15 in the U.S., landing slightly before the moment when films like Platoon and Full Metal Jacket brought that conflict back to the forefront of American pop culture. It’s also notable for being probably the first place many people heard the term “post-traumatic stress disorder.” A lot of people chose to purchase this for repeated listening, but I’m not sure if what they got out of it could be reasonably called pleasure. It’s like holding a history class in Studio 54.
We’re back in Canada next time. See you then.
20 - “Magic Touch,” Loose Ends
The London soul band’s second hit is decent enough sexy lite-funk. And a rare case where a sax solo works better than you thought it could.
19 - “Cry,” Godley and Creme
The third hit by 10cc members-turned-video directors Kev and Lol was this great synthrock ballad with an iconic video (directed by guess who). But only Canada made this a Top Ten. I guess we turned out to be the ones who knew how to ease their pain,
18 - “Would I Lie to You,” Eurythmics
Dave and Annie blend hard rock and soul and create attitudinal magic. Top Five in North America, but only #17 here. That’s a deceptive indicator of the song’s quality. So it might be said that you would lie to them.
17 - “We are the World,” USA for Africa
The Yankee response to “Do They Know it’s Christmas” won a Triple Crown, and topped the charts in at least thirteen other countries. A dated record, but there’s still a magic to the mini-duet between Stevie Wonder and Bruce Springsteen. It could have only happened then and there, and I’m glad it did.
16 - “One More Night,” Phil Collins
Phil’s first real syrupy slow jam was denied a Triple Crown by Britain, who held it to #4. That was nice of them. Phil’s head was too big for it here. And this sax solo is superfluous.
15 - “Kayleigh,” Marillion
The Aylesbury prog band had their biggest hit when this went to #2. It’s a ballad that singer Fish wrote about the good times he has with past lovers who he didn’t appreciate at the time. His voice kind of reminds me of none other than Phil Collins here, and which makes me compare it to Genesis’ pop period. And it’s better than anything from that catalogue.
14 - “Slave to Love,” Bryan Ferry
Ferry’s first solo hit after the breakup of Roxy Music was this lush, sensual ballad. It has a stuttery, urgent beauty. It’s probably best known these days as the song playing at the end of Kingsman: The Secret Service when the Swedish princess gives Eggsy his, um, reward.
13 - “I Want Your Lovin’ (Just A Little Bit),” Curtis Hairston
The only hit for this North Carolinian was this basic bit of uptempo R&B/pop. He’s clearly better than this neutered funk. I wonder if his work with the B.B.&Q. Band is better. They did have a couple of Brit hits themselves, so I may have cause to find out.
12 - “The Unforgettable Fire,” U2
The Irish quartet’s third Top Ten was this darkly atmospheric rocker apparently inspired by a museum exhibit about the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The music and lyrics create a sense of trying to find something to hold onto in the face of impending doom. It hasn’t been played to death here like many of their other hits, so it’s fresher and easier to appreciate for me.
11 - “I was Born to Love You,” Freddie Mercury
The first single from Freddie’s one true solo album was this exuberant dance-rocker about the joy of finding a soulmate. Not lyrically or musically groundbreaking, but it more than gets by on his charm and conviction. My conclusion from this was that he was born for Queen, and vice versa.
10 - “Don’t You (Forget About Me),” Simple Minds
The Scots’ Breakfast Club smash was held to #7 here, denying it the Triple Crown. I think that works. It’s a very good pop song, but it isn’t reflective of the band. They’d lean more pop after this, but this is an outlier even compared to that material.
9 - “Everybody Wants to Rule the World,” Tears for Fears
Another Triple Crown rejection, by a single place. But it was still the highest they ever got. You can’t always get everything you want. Thinking about it, a Tears for Fears version of “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” would have sounded more in character.
8 - “Love Don’t Live Here Anymore,” Jimmy Nail
Newcastle native James Bradford got his nickname after stepping on a spike while working in a glass factory. Shortly after that, he took up acting, and he landed a role in the hit sitcom Auf Wiedersehen, Pet. He was also a musician and singer, and his fame helped him launch a successful recording career, which began with this Top Five cover of a 1978 Rose Royce hit. This is a stark, sparse version that reflects the song’s theme, and Jimmy, pardon the pun, nails the vocal. This is not a Don Johnson situation. That bar is cleared with miles to spare.
7 - “A View to a Kill,” Duran Duran
Again the Brits block a bid from one of their own for a Triple Crown, and again by a single place. This one is the most unjust to me. There was no one at the time more suited to do a Bond theme, and they produced one of the best. It would make me dance into the fire.
6 - “Walls Come Tumbling Down,” The Style Council
The sixth Top Ten for Paul Weller’s second band may be the best combination of his socially aware rage and the big R&B sound he was now favouring, It’s like Northern Soul meeting punk about a decade late.
5 - “Feel So Real,” Steve Arrington
The Ohioans biggest hit was this chunk of danceable soul. It’s got a spark that I can’t quite identify, but it places it above the average of this genre.
4 - “Rhythm of the Night,” DeBarge
Motown’s big 80s family had their biggest success here with this playful, Latin-tinged Triple Top Five. It’s as plastic as you’d expect from a Diane Warren composition, but the performance makes you forget that it won’t biodegrade.
3 - “I Feel Love,” Bronski Beat and Marc Almond
Jimmy Somerville’s crew teamed up with Almond of the recently disbanded Soft Cell on a cover of the Donna Summer classic that also integrates John Leyton’s 1961 #1 “Johnny Remember Me.” Both songs and singers make strange combinations, but it all somehow makes fantastic sense, and the two of them are clearly having a ball.
2 - “Move Closer,” Phyllis Nelson
This Jacksonville singer found no mainstream success at home, but this sexy slowdance ballad went all the way over here. I’m sure it closed many a school disco, and led to a great deal of after-hours action. It achieves its goals spectacularly.
1 - “19,” Paul Hardcastle
The London DJ and producer had an unlikely hit by setting audio clips from an American TV documentary on the Vietnam War to dance beats. It also got to #2 in Canada, but was held to #15 in the U.S., landing slightly before the moment when films like Platoon and Full Metal Jacket brought that conflict back to the forefront of American pop culture. It’s also notable for being probably the first place many people heard the term “post-traumatic stress disorder.” A lot of people chose to purchase this for repeated listening, but I’m not sure if what they got out of it could be reasonably called pleasure. It’s like holding a history class in Studio 54.
We’re back in Canada next time. See you then.
Thursday, May 16, 2019
AOMA: UKT40 May 18, 1985 Part One
May 1985. On this date, Liverpool club Everton, who had already won the First Division and the European Cup-Winners Cup this year, tried to win a third trophy in the F.A. Cup final against Manchester United. Did they succeed. The answer lies in the charts,
40 - “The Word Girl,” Scritti Politti
The biggest home hit for Green Gartside was this pop-reggae tune about an uneven relationship. It’s nice, but I think North America was right in making “Perfect Way” much bigger there.
39 - “Walking on Sunshine,” Katrina and the Waves
The eternal hit from the Cambridge boys and their American singer, A triple Top Ten, and a huge moneymaker in the advertising licensing world. The line between great pop songwriting and effective jingle writing is a thin one.
38 - “Obsession,” Animotion
Another triple Top Ten. This crew from L.A. basically took the Human League template, added more guitar, and created the pop-song equivalent of an 80s erotic thriller. Which was particularly useful for underage radio listeners who couldn’t get into those movies. Our imaginations told better stories anyway.
37 - “Eye to Eye,” Chaka Khan
Her fifth hit here was this pleasantly romantic jazz-rock-soul track. It’s not much more than a Chaka delivery system, but that’s not the worst thing a song can be,
36 - “Stainsby Girl,” Chris Rea
Another encounter with Rea’s sweet soft-rock tribute to his wife. Nice guitar work, a sincere vocal, job’s a good’un, as they say.
35 - “We All Follow Man United,” Manchester United
The first of the two songs from the F.A. Cup participants was from the Manchester contingent. The boys sing about how they’re going to win to an oompah/schlager beat. If this is representative of their play in the game, the Toffees have a low bar to clear.
34 - “Don’t Fall in Love,” Toyah
After spending her early career fronting a band named Toyah, Birmingham native Willcox broke away and went solo, but still under the same name. (This is exactly what Alice Cooper did, and knowingly or not, she reinforced the connection by covering “School’s Out” on her first solo LP). Her only hit alone was this bland, trying-too-hard dance-popper. Her transition from punky brat to world-weary young adult was not a smooth one.
33 - “Get it On,” Power Station
The supergroup of Robert Palmer, two of Duran Duran’s three Taylors, and Chic drummer Tony Thompson picked up their second and final hit with this cover of T.Rex’s immortal #1. It establishes itself in its own right by with bigger beats and louder guitars, and the swagger Palmer brings to the lyric is entirely different from Marc Bolan’s. I think it would place surprisingly high on my list of all-time favourite cover versions.
32 - “Here We Go,” Everton 1985
And here are the side from Liverpool with their effort. It’s a little more modern-sounding in production, but the tune is borrowed from old melodies by John Philip Sousa and Jacques Offenbach. And the lyrics manage to say even less than their competition. I thought they couldn’t help but do better, but they found a way. On the charts, they lost 10-14. And in the match, they lost 1-0 in extra time, despite United having a player sent off. They went for a triple win, but ended up with, at least here, a triple loss.
31 - “Out in the Fields,” Gary Moore and Phil Lynott
Ex-Thin Lizzy bandmates Moore and Lynott had one final collaborative success with this hard rocker about the futility of armed conflict everywhere, but particularly in their homeland of Northern Ireland. It’s impassioned and intense, and a nice 3.5 on the Headbangometer. Sadly, Lynott would die less than a year later, but his place as a influential rock vocalist was well cemented.
30 - “Could it Be I’m Falling in Love,” David Grant and Jaki Graham
The former Linxman teamed up with Birmingham’s Graham on this carbon copy cover of a 1973 Spinners hit. This one doesn’t quite achieve full rotation, instead oscillating back and forth 200 degrees or so.
29 - “Look Mama,” Howard Jones
Again with HoJo’s last Top Ten, slick synthiness about wanting to cut the apron strings. One of the lesser moments of his first and best run, but very good nonetheless.
28 - “All Fall Down,” Five Star
The Pearson family singers’ first hit was this bubbly dance track that falls squarely in New Edition/DeBarge territory, and acquits itself well. Adequacy expected, adequacy delivered.
27 - “Lover Come Back to Me,” Dead or Alive
Burns and teammates’ followup to “You Spin Me Round” became their second-biggest hit overall. It’s similar in sound and lyrical content, but it has its own charms. Pete Burns was a disco hero who unfortunately landed in between two decades that might have been kinder to him.
26 - “Free Yourself,” Untouchables
This L.A. ska band got a British stamp of approval on their passports by signing with Stiff Records, and managed a hit with this jaunty track about self-actualization. It’s okay, but I can only hear it as a knockoff or something better. You can touch it if you like, but understand what it is you’re feeling.
25 - “Shake the Disease,” Depeche Mode
The Mode’s twelfth hit was their patented dark synthpop, this time employed to ask someone for patience with a penchant to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. It’s like eavesdropping at a Goth couples therapy session.
24 - “Call Me,” Go West
The second hit for the synthfunk duo was this track requesting a reopening of communications in order to repair a relationship. A bit below the mighty “We Close Our Eyes,” but way better than the gelatinous mass that is “King of Wishful Thinking.”
23 - “Walk Like a Man,” Divine
From Baltimore, Maryland, Harris Milstead became a drag performer in the 60s, and the Divine persona’s outsized antics found a vehicle for international infamy in the films of hometown friend John Waters, including 1972’s legendary Pink Flamingos and 1988’s now-better-known-as-a-musical Hairspray. Divine also made dance records in the 80s, and the second of these to be a major British hit was this Hi-NRG cover of the Four Seasons’ 1963 smash about finding the courage to leave a mean lover. Divine’s raspy bark barely qualifies as singing, but as camp caterwauling, it’s perfection. Thirty-one years after death, Divine is still an unquestioned Queen.
22 - “Rage to Love,” Kim Wilde
The eighth hit for the second generation star sees her move in a rockabilly direction on a song about being on the prowl. It’s not a bad fit, but it was another middling success that encouraged her to turn more modern for a return to being a Top Ten presence.
21 - “Clouds Across the Moon,” RAH Band
Our second look at this futuristic tale of space war and phone calls to Mars. A nice combination of the fantastic and the familiar.
In Part Two: tears, death, and the fruits of going solo.
40 - “The Word Girl,” Scritti Politti
The biggest home hit for Green Gartside was this pop-reggae tune about an uneven relationship. It’s nice, but I think North America was right in making “Perfect Way” much bigger there.
39 - “Walking on Sunshine,” Katrina and the Waves
The eternal hit from the Cambridge boys and their American singer, A triple Top Ten, and a huge moneymaker in the advertising licensing world. The line between great pop songwriting and effective jingle writing is a thin one.
38 - “Obsession,” Animotion
Another triple Top Ten. This crew from L.A. basically took the Human League template, added more guitar, and created the pop-song equivalent of an 80s erotic thriller. Which was particularly useful for underage radio listeners who couldn’t get into those movies. Our imaginations told better stories anyway.
37 - “Eye to Eye,” Chaka Khan
Her fifth hit here was this pleasantly romantic jazz-rock-soul track. It’s not much more than a Chaka delivery system, but that’s not the worst thing a song can be,
36 - “Stainsby Girl,” Chris Rea
Another encounter with Rea’s sweet soft-rock tribute to his wife. Nice guitar work, a sincere vocal, job’s a good’un, as they say.
35 - “We All Follow Man United,” Manchester United
The first of the two songs from the F.A. Cup participants was from the Manchester contingent. The boys sing about how they’re going to win to an oompah/schlager beat. If this is representative of their play in the game, the Toffees have a low bar to clear.
34 - “Don’t Fall in Love,” Toyah
After spending her early career fronting a band named Toyah, Birmingham native Willcox broke away and went solo, but still under the same name. (This is exactly what Alice Cooper did, and knowingly or not, she reinforced the connection by covering “School’s Out” on her first solo LP). Her only hit alone was this bland, trying-too-hard dance-popper. Her transition from punky brat to world-weary young adult was not a smooth one.
33 - “Get it On,” Power Station
The supergroup of Robert Palmer, two of Duran Duran’s three Taylors, and Chic drummer Tony Thompson picked up their second and final hit with this cover of T.Rex’s immortal #1. It establishes itself in its own right by with bigger beats and louder guitars, and the swagger Palmer brings to the lyric is entirely different from Marc Bolan’s. I think it would place surprisingly high on my list of all-time favourite cover versions.
32 - “Here We Go,” Everton 1985
And here are the side from Liverpool with their effort. It’s a little more modern-sounding in production, but the tune is borrowed from old melodies by John Philip Sousa and Jacques Offenbach. And the lyrics manage to say even less than their competition. I thought they couldn’t help but do better, but they found a way. On the charts, they lost 10-14. And in the match, they lost 1-0 in extra time, despite United having a player sent off. They went for a triple win, but ended up with, at least here, a triple loss.
31 - “Out in the Fields,” Gary Moore and Phil Lynott
Ex-Thin Lizzy bandmates Moore and Lynott had one final collaborative success with this hard rocker about the futility of armed conflict everywhere, but particularly in their homeland of Northern Ireland. It’s impassioned and intense, and a nice 3.5 on the Headbangometer. Sadly, Lynott would die less than a year later, but his place as a influential rock vocalist was well cemented.
30 - “Could it Be I’m Falling in Love,” David Grant and Jaki Graham
The former Linxman teamed up with Birmingham’s Graham on this carbon copy cover of a 1973 Spinners hit. This one doesn’t quite achieve full rotation, instead oscillating back and forth 200 degrees or so.
29 - “Look Mama,” Howard Jones
Again with HoJo’s last Top Ten, slick synthiness about wanting to cut the apron strings. One of the lesser moments of his first and best run, but very good nonetheless.
28 - “All Fall Down,” Five Star
The Pearson family singers’ first hit was this bubbly dance track that falls squarely in New Edition/DeBarge territory, and acquits itself well. Adequacy expected, adequacy delivered.
27 - “Lover Come Back to Me,” Dead or Alive
Burns and teammates’ followup to “You Spin Me Round” became their second-biggest hit overall. It’s similar in sound and lyrical content, but it has its own charms. Pete Burns was a disco hero who unfortunately landed in between two decades that might have been kinder to him.
26 - “Free Yourself,” Untouchables
This L.A. ska band got a British stamp of approval on their passports by signing with Stiff Records, and managed a hit with this jaunty track about self-actualization. It’s okay, but I can only hear it as a knockoff or something better. You can touch it if you like, but understand what it is you’re feeling.
25 - “Shake the Disease,” Depeche Mode
The Mode’s twelfth hit was their patented dark synthpop, this time employed to ask someone for patience with a penchant to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. It’s like eavesdropping at a Goth couples therapy session.
24 - “Call Me,” Go West
The second hit for the synthfunk duo was this track requesting a reopening of communications in order to repair a relationship. A bit below the mighty “We Close Our Eyes,” but way better than the gelatinous mass that is “King of Wishful Thinking.”
23 - “Walk Like a Man,” Divine
From Baltimore, Maryland, Harris Milstead became a drag performer in the 60s, and the Divine persona’s outsized antics found a vehicle for international infamy in the films of hometown friend John Waters, including 1972’s legendary Pink Flamingos and 1988’s now-better-known-as-a-musical Hairspray. Divine also made dance records in the 80s, and the second of these to be a major British hit was this Hi-NRG cover of the Four Seasons’ 1963 smash about finding the courage to leave a mean lover. Divine’s raspy bark barely qualifies as singing, but as camp caterwauling, it’s perfection. Thirty-one years after death, Divine is still an unquestioned Queen.
22 - “Rage to Love,” Kim Wilde
The eighth hit for the second generation star sees her move in a rockabilly direction on a song about being on the prowl. It’s not a bad fit, but it was another middling success that encouraged her to turn more modern for a return to being a Top Ten presence.
21 - “Clouds Across the Moon,” RAH Band
Our second look at this futuristic tale of space war and phone calls to Mars. A nice combination of the fantastic and the familiar.
In Part Two: tears, death, and the fruits of going solo.
Saturday, May 11, 2019
The OMUSURT: Round Five
We’re down to 16. I wouldn’t call all of them sweet, but they’re definitely special, given the competition they’ve survived to be here. No lightweight oddities here. Let’s see who comes out of these epic battles.
THE YANKEE DOODLE DANDIES BOWL
“Convention ‘72,” The Delegates, 1972
vs. “The Americans,” Byron MacGregor, 1974
HOW THEY GOT HERE
CONVENTION ‘72
Chart Peak: 8
Round 1: Defeated “Energy Crisis ‘74” 72-10 (Nixon Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Elected” 38-23 (Democratic Process Bowl
Round 3: Defeated “Uneasy Rider” 41-24 (Divided States of America Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Hurricane” 34-21 (Whole Lot of Wind Bowl)
THE AMERICANS
Chart Peak: 4
Round 1: Defeated “The Americans” 50-30 (He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother, Even Though He Spells Neighbour Without the U Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Give Ireland Back to the Irish” 45-12 (Opinionated Outsider Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “I Am Woman” 42-21 (Hear Them Roar Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “What the World Needs Now is Love/Abraham, Martin and John” 38-14 (Give the U.S. Some Sugar Bowl)
Final Score: Americans 31, Convention 24. A riveting contest between two teams that comedian with flag-waving enthusiasm. The Delegates once again tried to prevail with their questionable tactics, but MacGregor’s team always seemed to have reinforcements to rush in and counter with a big play to save the day. The Americans proudly march into the quarters, but they seem to have a chip on their shoulder, believing that they don’t get enough love from tournament watchers around the world. Will that change? And if it doesn’t, will it matter?
THE WHO MADE THE CALLIOPE CRASH TO THE GROUND BOWL
“Tubular Bells,” Mike Oldfield, 1974
vs. “Blinded by the Light,” Manfred Mann’ Earth Band, 1977
HOW THEY GOT HERE
TUBULAR BELLS
Chart Peak: 7
Round 1: Defeated “Music Box Dancer” 66-3 (Spinning Your Head, And Optionally, The Rest of Your Body Around Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Do You Feel Like We Do” 54-3 (Pazuzu Comes Alive Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Popcorn” 20-19 (Cinema Concession Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Dueling Banjos” 13-10 (OT) (Unpleasant Images are Brought to Mind Bowl)
BLINDED BY THE LIGHT
Chart Peak: 1
Round 1: Defeated “Hot Rod Lincoln” 41-16 (Go-Kart Mozart Should Have Been in That Race Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Saturday Night” 3-0 (forfeit) (But Mama, That’s Where the Fun Is Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Gimme Dat Ding” 49-31 (What Good’s a Metronome When the Calliope Crashes to the Ground Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy” 27-20 (Teenage Diplomat Gets Drafted Bowl)
Final Score: Bells 24, Light 14. This was a matchup between the forceful approach of Oldfield, whose team plays like they’re possessed by who knows what, and the cerebral strategy of Mr. Mann, who looks to confuse opponents with unusual play calls. On this day, it was the Tubular team that prevailed. The key play happened in the fourth quarter, when the Earth Band quarterback inexplicably, and and against the wishes of his mother, looked into the eyes of the sun. He was blinded by the light, which caused him to drop the football. A Bells defender picked it up and was in the end zone with the game-clinching touchdown before anyone knew it was happening. So Oldfield’s squad moves on. Many observers report having a gut feeling that a Tubular triumph would have dire consequences far beyond the tournament, and reportedly, even the Vatican has taken an interest, vowing to send an observer to the quarterfinals to assess the threat and deal with it accordingly.
THE PRAYING FOR RESCUE BOWL
“Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
vs. “The Lord’s Prayer,” Sister Janet Mead, 1974
HOW THEY GOT HERE
TIMOTHY
Chart Peak: 17
Round 1: Defeated “Freddie’s Dead” 49-10 (The Dead Men Had Names Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Run Joey Run” 55-6 (God What Did They Do Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Angie Baby” 63-56 (Mysterious Disappearance Bowl
Round 4: Defeated “D.O.A.” 24-23 (Death in the Air and Below the Ground Bowl)
THE LORD’S PRAYER
Chart Peak: 4
Round 1: Defeated “Rivers of Babylon” 59-13 (Straight Outta the Bible Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Amazing Grace” 24-23 (Hallelujah Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Superstar” via disqualification (Father and Son Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Gotta Serve Somebody” 30-16 (The Answer Isn’t Blowing in the Wind After All Bowl)
Final Score: Timothy 14, Prayer 7. One team came in feeling like victory was a matter of life and death, while the other seemed to play with faith that as long as they stayed true to the game plan, the right result would be achieved. The last play was, appropriately, a Hail Mary pass by the Mead team. A miracle seemed possible when the ball was deflected in the end zone, and it seemed like a receiver who was trailing the play had run a route that would have positioned him perfectly to make the catch. But mysteriously, that receiver wasn’t there to prevent the ball from falling harmlessly to the ground. In fact, he was nowhere to be found on the field, and he still hasn’t been located. Asked about it after the game, the Buoys’ coach said he had no idea what would have happened to the poor soul. The other takeaway from the coach’s press conference was that he was wiping his mouth and licking his lips all the way through it for some reason.
THE SEX OR DRUGS BOWL
“King Heroin,” James Brown, 1972
vs. “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” Meat Loaf, 1978
HOW THEY GOT HERE
KING HEROIN
Chart Peak: 40
Round 1: Defeated “Once You Understand” 35-34 (Smack is Wack Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Wildwood Weed” 56-7 (Needle in a...I Don’t Think That’s a Stack of Hay Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Earache My Eye Featuring Alice Bowie 56-3 (Smack Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Walk on the Wild Side” 53-3 (It’s My Life, It’s My Wife Bowl)
PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT
Chart Peak: 39
Round 1: Defeated “Heaven on the 7th Floor” 56-0 (Sex in Different Kinds of Cars Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Cat Scratch Fever” 42-6 (It Came Upon Me Like a Tidal Wave Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “The Bertha Butt Boogie” 28-14 (Gonna Go All the Way Tonight Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Telephone Man” 33-20 (Baseball and Telecommunications are More Fun Than They Seem Bowl)
Final Score: Heroin 31, Paradise 19. The question going in was whether the Brown team could win yet again by wearing down their opponent into submission, especially one as ready for action as the Dashboard club. In the first half, it looked like that strategy wouldn’t work, as Meat Loaf’s kids were lustily dominating the game. But after the break, the tide turned. The pack from Paradise were suddenly desperate to score, but they just couldn’t achieve the thrills they did before. And their placekicker, who had made four field goals in the first half, was suddenly powerless to kick. By the end of the game, they had thoroughly surrendered to the Kings. But the Light brigade seemed strangely relieved by the loss, and they quickly changed and left the stadium, all in separate cars going in different directions.
THE FOWL RODENTS BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs. “Muskrat Love,” The Captain and Tennille, 1976
HOW THEY GOT HERE
RUBBER DUCKIE
Chart Peak: 16
Round 1: Defeated “Disco Duck” 35-21 (Quack Attack Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Rainbow Connection” 21-17 (Jim Henson Memorial Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Teddy Bear” 28-6 (Toy Animals Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Funky Worm” 45-24 (The Clean and the Dirty Bowl)
MUSKRAT LOVE
Chart Peak: 4
Round 1: Defeated “Dead Skunk” 6-0 (Rodents Both Alive and Dead Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Wildfire” 35-13 (Love and Death in the Animal Kingdom Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Mr. Jaws” 20-14 (Eatin’ and Matin’ Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “The Candy Man” 24-14 (The Rat Pack Meets Some Other Rodents Bowl)
Final Score: Duckie 28, Muskrat 21. A team that can bounce off tacklers and plays well in wet conditions met a side that likes to whirl and twirl. Strangely, both teams employed tickling at different points of the game. Some observers thought the players got too cute with each other. But the end result was a victory for Ernie’s feathered friends, who played clean throughout, where their opponents got a little naughty at the end and paid the price for it. But it seemed the Muskrats took the loss well, as observers near their locker room door reported smelling bacon, cheese, and another unidentified yet potent aroma.
THE UNSUAL SIGHTINGS BOWL
“The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974
vs. “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft,” Carpenters, 1977
HOW THEY GOT HERE
THE STREAK
Chart Peak: 1
Round 1: Defeated “Superfly Meets Shaft” 45-3 (Naked Blaxploitation Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Dynomite” 55-0 (Making a Wave When You Can Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces” 33-31 (Too Many Balls on the Court Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Rubber Biscuit” 41-10 (Naked Hunger Bowl)
CALLING OCCUPANTS OF INTERPLANETARY CRAFT
Chart Peak: 32
Round 1: Defeated “Come Sail Away” 62-6 (Space Invaders Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Space Oddity” 35-20 (Why Go to Them When They’ll Come to Us Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “The White Knight” 37-31 (OT) (What’s Your 20 Saucer Jockey Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Kung Fu Fighting” 31-28 (OT) (Who Do You Take On When You’ve Kicked Everyone on Earth’s Ass Bowl)
Final Score: Streak 14, Occupants 0. This game was called after less than a quarter when the Carpenters’ team left the field and immediately departed the stadium after two early Streak touchdowns. Apparently, the Occupants had experienced many new and strange sights in their long journey through the tournament, but the sight of Stevens’ players in their uniforms (or lack thereof) and the challenge of trying to make tackles while avoiding certain anatomical features proved too much for them to deal with. The Interplanetary delegation has reportedly returned from whence they came, and they have asked not to be disturbed by anyone from this part of the universe for the indefinite future.
THE RULING COUPLE BOWL
“Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen, 1975
vs. “The King is Gone,” Ronnie McDowell, 1977
HOW THEY GOT HERE
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
Chart Peak: 9
Round 1: Defeated “Summer Nights” 40-13 (Big Production Number Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey” 49-10 (We’re So Sorry We Just Killed a Man Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Junk Food Junkie” 55-3 (I See a Little Silhouette of a Can of Dr. Pepper Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “American Pie” 22-19 (2OT) (The Queen Sang Along with the Jester Bowl)
THE KING IS GONE
Chart Peak: 13
Round 1: Defeated “Rock n’Roll Heaven” 42-27 (Hell of a Band Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Garden Party” 35-21 (50s Heartthrobs Living and Dead Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me)” 45-16 (Elvis Meets Nixon...’s Last Days as President Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “The Cover of the Rolling Stone” 30-17 (I Wanna Copy Bowl)
Final Score: Rhapsody 30, King 10. People wondered if and when an opponent would come along with a game plan so original and effective that it would overcome McDowell and his well-worn yet proven playbook. That time came here, as the Bohemians won comfortably due to their ability to change the tempo of the game at will and their imperviousness to varying wind directions. The King has left the tournament. Long live the Queen.
THE MOM AND THE ARMY BOWL
“The Battle Hymn of Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
HOW THEY GOT HERE
THE BATTLE HYMN OF LT. CALLEY
Chart Peak: 37
Round 1: Defeated “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” 51-19 (Real Life Mass Death Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Fernando” 49-0 (What Did You Do in the War Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Amos Moses” 42-13 (Shoot the Gator, Ask Questions Later Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree” 35-21 (Products of Different Industrial Complexes Bowl)
I.O.U.
Chart Peak: 35
Round 1: Defeated “No Charge” 27-10 (Don’t Take Your Mama for Granted Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “The Last Game of the Season (A Blind Man in the Bleachers)” 26-21 (Hi Mom/Dad Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Patches” 24-13 (Dependence Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Swamp Witch” 45-17 (Unappreciated and Misunderstood Women Bowl)
Final Score: Hymn 17, I.O.U. 14. Patriotism and motherhood have both proven to be powerful motivators, and those inspirations continued to power these teams, resulting in a close contest that was in doubt all the way. In the end, C Company was just willing to do things that their opponents wouldn’t even dream of to win a football game. There were no hard feelings afterward, however. In fact, the losing side’s owner invited the winners to their locker room, where he served up enough sausage to feed an army.
So now eight songs remain. There’s patriotism and nihilism, innovation and tradition, novelty and dead seriousness. A case should be made for any one of them winning the whole thing. But before we continued our journey to finding that out, we’ll be returning to Britain. Be here for that, if you will.
THE YANKEE DOODLE DANDIES BOWL
“Convention ‘72,” The Delegates, 1972
vs. “The Americans,” Byron MacGregor, 1974
HOW THEY GOT HERE
CONVENTION ‘72
Chart Peak: 8
Round 1: Defeated “Energy Crisis ‘74” 72-10 (Nixon Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Elected” 38-23 (Democratic Process Bowl
Round 3: Defeated “Uneasy Rider” 41-24 (Divided States of America Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Hurricane” 34-21 (Whole Lot of Wind Bowl)
THE AMERICANS
Chart Peak: 4
Round 1: Defeated “The Americans” 50-30 (He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother, Even Though He Spells Neighbour Without the U Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Give Ireland Back to the Irish” 45-12 (Opinionated Outsider Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “I Am Woman” 42-21 (Hear Them Roar Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “What the World Needs Now is Love/Abraham, Martin and John” 38-14 (Give the U.S. Some Sugar Bowl)
Final Score: Americans 31, Convention 24. A riveting contest between two teams that comedian with flag-waving enthusiasm. The Delegates once again tried to prevail with their questionable tactics, but MacGregor’s team always seemed to have reinforcements to rush in and counter with a big play to save the day. The Americans proudly march into the quarters, but they seem to have a chip on their shoulder, believing that they don’t get enough love from tournament watchers around the world. Will that change? And if it doesn’t, will it matter?
THE WHO MADE THE CALLIOPE CRASH TO THE GROUND BOWL
“Tubular Bells,” Mike Oldfield, 1974
vs. “Blinded by the Light,” Manfred Mann’ Earth Band, 1977
HOW THEY GOT HERE
TUBULAR BELLS
Chart Peak: 7
Round 1: Defeated “Music Box Dancer” 66-3 (Spinning Your Head, And Optionally, The Rest of Your Body Around Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Do You Feel Like We Do” 54-3 (Pazuzu Comes Alive Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Popcorn” 20-19 (Cinema Concession Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Dueling Banjos” 13-10 (OT) (Unpleasant Images are Brought to Mind Bowl)
BLINDED BY THE LIGHT
Chart Peak: 1
Round 1: Defeated “Hot Rod Lincoln” 41-16 (Go-Kart Mozart Should Have Been in That Race Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Saturday Night” 3-0 (forfeit) (But Mama, That’s Where the Fun Is Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Gimme Dat Ding” 49-31 (What Good’s a Metronome When the Calliope Crashes to the Ground Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy” 27-20 (Teenage Diplomat Gets Drafted Bowl)
Final Score: Bells 24, Light 14. This was a matchup between the forceful approach of Oldfield, whose team plays like they’re possessed by who knows what, and the cerebral strategy of Mr. Mann, who looks to confuse opponents with unusual play calls. On this day, it was the Tubular team that prevailed. The key play happened in the fourth quarter, when the Earth Band quarterback inexplicably, and and against the wishes of his mother, looked into the eyes of the sun. He was blinded by the light, which caused him to drop the football. A Bells defender picked it up and was in the end zone with the game-clinching touchdown before anyone knew it was happening. So Oldfield’s squad moves on. Many observers report having a gut feeling that a Tubular triumph would have dire consequences far beyond the tournament, and reportedly, even the Vatican has taken an interest, vowing to send an observer to the quarterfinals to assess the threat and deal with it accordingly.
THE PRAYING FOR RESCUE BOWL
“Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
vs. “The Lord’s Prayer,” Sister Janet Mead, 1974
HOW THEY GOT HERE
TIMOTHY
Chart Peak: 17
Round 1: Defeated “Freddie’s Dead” 49-10 (The Dead Men Had Names Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Run Joey Run” 55-6 (God What Did They Do Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Angie Baby” 63-56 (Mysterious Disappearance Bowl
Round 4: Defeated “D.O.A.” 24-23 (Death in the Air and Below the Ground Bowl)
THE LORD’S PRAYER
Chart Peak: 4
Round 1: Defeated “Rivers of Babylon” 59-13 (Straight Outta the Bible Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Amazing Grace” 24-23 (Hallelujah Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Superstar” via disqualification (Father and Son Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Gotta Serve Somebody” 30-16 (The Answer Isn’t Blowing in the Wind After All Bowl)
Final Score: Timothy 14, Prayer 7. One team came in feeling like victory was a matter of life and death, while the other seemed to play with faith that as long as they stayed true to the game plan, the right result would be achieved. The last play was, appropriately, a Hail Mary pass by the Mead team. A miracle seemed possible when the ball was deflected in the end zone, and it seemed like a receiver who was trailing the play had run a route that would have positioned him perfectly to make the catch. But mysteriously, that receiver wasn’t there to prevent the ball from falling harmlessly to the ground. In fact, he was nowhere to be found on the field, and he still hasn’t been located. Asked about it after the game, the Buoys’ coach said he had no idea what would have happened to the poor soul. The other takeaway from the coach’s press conference was that he was wiping his mouth and licking his lips all the way through it for some reason.
THE SEX OR DRUGS BOWL
“King Heroin,” James Brown, 1972
vs. “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” Meat Loaf, 1978
HOW THEY GOT HERE
KING HEROIN
Chart Peak: 40
Round 1: Defeated “Once You Understand” 35-34 (Smack is Wack Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Wildwood Weed” 56-7 (Needle in a...I Don’t Think That’s a Stack of Hay Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Earache My Eye Featuring Alice Bowie 56-3 (Smack Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Walk on the Wild Side” 53-3 (It’s My Life, It’s My Wife Bowl)
PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT
Chart Peak: 39
Round 1: Defeated “Heaven on the 7th Floor” 56-0 (Sex in Different Kinds of Cars Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Cat Scratch Fever” 42-6 (It Came Upon Me Like a Tidal Wave Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “The Bertha Butt Boogie” 28-14 (Gonna Go All the Way Tonight Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Telephone Man” 33-20 (Baseball and Telecommunications are More Fun Than They Seem Bowl)
Final Score: Heroin 31, Paradise 19. The question going in was whether the Brown team could win yet again by wearing down their opponent into submission, especially one as ready for action as the Dashboard club. In the first half, it looked like that strategy wouldn’t work, as Meat Loaf’s kids were lustily dominating the game. But after the break, the tide turned. The pack from Paradise were suddenly desperate to score, but they just couldn’t achieve the thrills they did before. And their placekicker, who had made four field goals in the first half, was suddenly powerless to kick. By the end of the game, they had thoroughly surrendered to the Kings. But the Light brigade seemed strangely relieved by the loss, and they quickly changed and left the stadium, all in separate cars going in different directions.
THE FOWL RODENTS BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs. “Muskrat Love,” The Captain and Tennille, 1976
HOW THEY GOT HERE
RUBBER DUCKIE
Chart Peak: 16
Round 1: Defeated “Disco Duck” 35-21 (Quack Attack Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Rainbow Connection” 21-17 (Jim Henson Memorial Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Teddy Bear” 28-6 (Toy Animals Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Funky Worm” 45-24 (The Clean and the Dirty Bowl)
MUSKRAT LOVE
Chart Peak: 4
Round 1: Defeated “Dead Skunk” 6-0 (Rodents Both Alive and Dead Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Wildfire” 35-13 (Love and Death in the Animal Kingdom Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Mr. Jaws” 20-14 (Eatin’ and Matin’ Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “The Candy Man” 24-14 (The Rat Pack Meets Some Other Rodents Bowl)
Final Score: Duckie 28, Muskrat 21. A team that can bounce off tacklers and plays well in wet conditions met a side that likes to whirl and twirl. Strangely, both teams employed tickling at different points of the game. Some observers thought the players got too cute with each other. But the end result was a victory for Ernie’s feathered friends, who played clean throughout, where their opponents got a little naughty at the end and paid the price for it. But it seemed the Muskrats took the loss well, as observers near their locker room door reported smelling bacon, cheese, and another unidentified yet potent aroma.
THE UNSUAL SIGHTINGS BOWL
“The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974
vs. “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft,” Carpenters, 1977
HOW THEY GOT HERE
THE STREAK
Chart Peak: 1
Round 1: Defeated “Superfly Meets Shaft” 45-3 (Naked Blaxploitation Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Dynomite” 55-0 (Making a Wave When You Can Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces” 33-31 (Too Many Balls on the Court Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Rubber Biscuit” 41-10 (Naked Hunger Bowl)
CALLING OCCUPANTS OF INTERPLANETARY CRAFT
Chart Peak: 32
Round 1: Defeated “Come Sail Away” 62-6 (Space Invaders Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Space Oddity” 35-20 (Why Go to Them When They’ll Come to Us Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “The White Knight” 37-31 (OT) (What’s Your 20 Saucer Jockey Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Kung Fu Fighting” 31-28 (OT) (Who Do You Take On When You’ve Kicked Everyone on Earth’s Ass Bowl)
Final Score: Streak 14, Occupants 0. This game was called after less than a quarter when the Carpenters’ team left the field and immediately departed the stadium after two early Streak touchdowns. Apparently, the Occupants had experienced many new and strange sights in their long journey through the tournament, but the sight of Stevens’ players in their uniforms (or lack thereof) and the challenge of trying to make tackles while avoiding certain anatomical features proved too much for them to deal with. The Interplanetary delegation has reportedly returned from whence they came, and they have asked not to be disturbed by anyone from this part of the universe for the indefinite future.
THE RULING COUPLE BOWL
“Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen, 1975
vs. “The King is Gone,” Ronnie McDowell, 1977
HOW THEY GOT HERE
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
Chart Peak: 9
Round 1: Defeated “Summer Nights” 40-13 (Big Production Number Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey” 49-10 (We’re So Sorry We Just Killed a Man Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Junk Food Junkie” 55-3 (I See a Little Silhouette of a Can of Dr. Pepper Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “American Pie” 22-19 (2OT) (The Queen Sang Along with the Jester Bowl)
THE KING IS GONE
Chart Peak: 13
Round 1: Defeated “Rock n’Roll Heaven” 42-27 (Hell of a Band Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Garden Party” 35-21 (50s Heartthrobs Living and Dead Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me)” 45-16 (Elvis Meets Nixon...’s Last Days as President Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “The Cover of the Rolling Stone” 30-17 (I Wanna Copy Bowl)
Final Score: Rhapsody 30, King 10. People wondered if and when an opponent would come along with a game plan so original and effective that it would overcome McDowell and his well-worn yet proven playbook. That time came here, as the Bohemians won comfortably due to their ability to change the tempo of the game at will and their imperviousness to varying wind directions. The King has left the tournament. Long live the Queen.
THE MOM AND THE ARMY BOWL
“The Battle Hymn of Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
HOW THEY GOT HERE
THE BATTLE HYMN OF LT. CALLEY
Chart Peak: 37
Round 1: Defeated “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” 51-19 (Real Life Mass Death Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “Fernando” 49-0 (What Did You Do in the War Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Amos Moses” 42-13 (Shoot the Gator, Ask Questions Later Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree” 35-21 (Products of Different Industrial Complexes Bowl)
I.O.U.
Chart Peak: 35
Round 1: Defeated “No Charge” 27-10 (Don’t Take Your Mama for Granted Bowl)
Round 2: Defeated “The Last Game of the Season (A Blind Man in the Bleachers)” 26-21 (Hi Mom/Dad Bowl)
Round 3: Defeated “Patches” 24-13 (Dependence Bowl)
Round 4: Defeated “Swamp Witch” 45-17 (Unappreciated and Misunderstood Women Bowl)
Final Score: Hymn 17, I.O.U. 14. Patriotism and motherhood have both proven to be powerful motivators, and those inspirations continued to power these teams, resulting in a close contest that was in doubt all the way. In the end, C Company was just willing to do things that their opponents wouldn’t even dream of to win a football game. There were no hard feelings afterward, however. In fact, the losing side’s owner invited the winners to their locker room, where he served up enough sausage to feed an army.
So now eight songs remain. There’s patriotism and nihilism, innovation and tradition, novelty and dead seriousness. A case should be made for any one of them winning the whole thing. But before we continued our journey to finding that out, we’ll be returning to Britain. Be here for that, if you will.
Friday, May 10, 2019
AOMA: UKT40 April 17, 1977 Part Two
Imma let me finish.
20 - “How Much Love,” Leo Sayer
Leo’s seventh Top Ten was this bit of discoey blandness. It reminded me of The Little River Band, which is never a good thing. It sounds like carefully constructed product, which more often than not ends up not being the slightest bit meaningful or interesting.
19 - “Lonely Boy,” Andrew Gold
Gold’s tale of a neglected older child was a Top Ten in North America, and a #11 here. It’s all right, but Britain was wiser than their former colonies when they made “Never Let Her Slip Away” a bigger hit. So to the U.K. I say, thank you for being a friend...to good musical taste.
18 - “When,” Showaddywaddy
The second of seven straight Top Fives for the Teddy Boy revivalists was this cover of a 1958 hit by twins Harold and Herbert Kalin. Their usual watered-down doo-wop. The coolest thing about them remains the name of their drummer, Romeo Challenger.
17 - “Solsbury Hill,” Peter Gabriel
The debut solo single from the Genesis exile was this loping folkie about moving on to a new stage in life. It still retains its beauty and poignancy. It battles “Games Without Frontiers” for the title of my Gabriel favourite.
16 - “Lay Back in the Arms of Someone,” Smokie
These guys again, this time with a simple country-rock love song. Not overly ambitious or sappy, just a song that would sound good on a radio. Which makes it great, by their standards.
15 - “Gimmie Some,” Brendon
Brit Brendon Dunning’s only hit was this dance record than is basically disco filtered through the Bay City Rollers. It gets nothing from me.
14 - “I Wanna Get Next to You,” Rose Royce
The second big hit for the “Car Wash” crew was this ballad about wanting a woman who may not want you. Lush and lovely soul for a group whose influence and reputation seems to grow all the time.
13 - “I Don’t Want to Talk About It/The First Cut is the Deepest,” Rod Stewart
Another look at Rod’s double-sided Number One. Again, it’s a great one-two punch, but contrary to the label, it’s the A-side that cuts the deepest.
12 - “Whodunnit,” Tavares
The third Top Five for the former Chubby and the Turnpikes was this bouncy soul call for a roll call of literary, television, and film detectives to find out who stole the singer’s girlfriend. Catchy tune, good gimmick, nothing but listening pleasure. If I were Ironside, I would not let it slide.
11 - “Oh Boy (The Mood I’m In),” Brotherhood of Man
More goo-pop from these people, in the form of their defanging of this song about a woman searching the night for the straying father of her baby. ABBA could do this same arrangement but make you feel the song. This lot might as well be singing about cuddling kittens.
10 - “Sunny,” Boney M
The M hit the Top Five here with this cover of the 1966 Bobby Hebb hit. The song doesn’t work as well in disco as it did in folk-pop, but it still has some appeal. It’s really hard not to like these guys.
9 - “Pearl’s a Singer,” Elkie Brooks
The Lancashirewoman’s breakthrough hit was this song that legendary songwriters Jerry Lieber and Mike Stoller wrote in 1974 for never-weres Dino and Sembello. The bluesy tale of a woman who falls short of the big time is an ideal showcase for Brooks’ voice. It must not have been pushed very well in North America, because that’s the only reason I can think of for why this didn’t hit over here. It’s right in the Rod Stewart/Bonnie Tyler sweet spot.
8 - “Going in with My Eyes Open,” David Soul
Hutch’s second hit is pretty much a rewrite of “Don’t Give Up on Us Baby.” It hit #2, so persistent pays, don’t fix what ain’t broke, all that stuff.
7 - “You Don’t Have to be a Star (To Be in My Show),” Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis Jr.
The married, former Fifth Dimensioneers had a North American #1 with this sweet disco love song about acceptance. It only got this high here. I’m satisfied that 1-1-7 was the right outcome.
6 - “Have I the Right,” Dead End Kids
From Kilmarnock, these Scots tried to pick up where the Bay City Rollers left off, and it did net them one hit in this cover of a 1964 Honeycombs song. They sound enthusiastic enough, and it’s a pleasant listen, but you forget all about them before the song even finishes fading out.
5 - “I Don’t Want to Put a Hold on You,” Berni Flint
This ex-Navy sailor from Southport is another graduate of the talent show Opportunity Knocks, and his first and biggest hit was this nice folk number about taking romance casually. I like it, even though it’s a bit derivative of David Carradine’s “I’m Easy.”
4 - “Sir Duke,” Stevie Wonder
His tribute to the legends of jazz was #1 in the States, #2 here and in Canada. That’s more of an injustice than it appears. Stevie should have all the crowns for Songs in the Key of Life. That was a mic drop that still echoes four decades later.
3 - “Free,” Deneice Williams
One of the other famous singers from Gary, Indiana, Williams first hit was a minor Top 40 in North America, but topped the chart here. Britain for the win. Brilliant bedroom soul.
2 - “Red Light Spells Danger,” Billy Ocean
Billy’s second #2 was this dramatic, Four Tops-y number about restrained lust. I was prepared to be disappointed in this compared to the greatness of “Love Really Hurts Without You,” but this measures up quite favourably. He was clearly the best British soul had to offer at the time.
And at #1 42 years ago was...
1 - “Knowing Me, Knowing You,” ABBA
Their fourth #1 here, and possibly their best. It’s definitely their hardest-rocking hit. It actually registers on the Headbangometer. Only a 0.3, but still. Combine that with the stark breakup lyric, and it’s one of the prime examples of their genius. Canada could have done better than #5, and the U.S.? 14! That’s an insult to Swedish craftsmanship.
We’re back to the tournament next time, seeing how sweet the 16 remaining songs can be. See you then.
20 - “How Much Love,” Leo Sayer
Leo’s seventh Top Ten was this bit of discoey blandness. It reminded me of The Little River Band, which is never a good thing. It sounds like carefully constructed product, which more often than not ends up not being the slightest bit meaningful or interesting.
19 - “Lonely Boy,” Andrew Gold
Gold’s tale of a neglected older child was a Top Ten in North America, and a #11 here. It’s all right, but Britain was wiser than their former colonies when they made “Never Let Her Slip Away” a bigger hit. So to the U.K. I say, thank you for being a friend...to good musical taste.
18 - “When,” Showaddywaddy
The second of seven straight Top Fives for the Teddy Boy revivalists was this cover of a 1958 hit by twins Harold and Herbert Kalin. Their usual watered-down doo-wop. The coolest thing about them remains the name of their drummer, Romeo Challenger.
17 - “Solsbury Hill,” Peter Gabriel
The debut solo single from the Genesis exile was this loping folkie about moving on to a new stage in life. It still retains its beauty and poignancy. It battles “Games Without Frontiers” for the title of my Gabriel favourite.
16 - “Lay Back in the Arms of Someone,” Smokie
These guys again, this time with a simple country-rock love song. Not overly ambitious or sappy, just a song that would sound good on a radio. Which makes it great, by their standards.
15 - “Gimmie Some,” Brendon
Brit Brendon Dunning’s only hit was this dance record than is basically disco filtered through the Bay City Rollers. It gets nothing from me.
14 - “I Wanna Get Next to You,” Rose Royce
The second big hit for the “Car Wash” crew was this ballad about wanting a woman who may not want you. Lush and lovely soul for a group whose influence and reputation seems to grow all the time.
13 - “I Don’t Want to Talk About It/The First Cut is the Deepest,” Rod Stewart
Another look at Rod’s double-sided Number One. Again, it’s a great one-two punch, but contrary to the label, it’s the A-side that cuts the deepest.
12 - “Whodunnit,” Tavares
The third Top Five for the former Chubby and the Turnpikes was this bouncy soul call for a roll call of literary, television, and film detectives to find out who stole the singer’s girlfriend. Catchy tune, good gimmick, nothing but listening pleasure. If I were Ironside, I would not let it slide.
11 - “Oh Boy (The Mood I’m In),” Brotherhood of Man
More goo-pop from these people, in the form of their defanging of this song about a woman searching the night for the straying father of her baby. ABBA could do this same arrangement but make you feel the song. This lot might as well be singing about cuddling kittens.
10 - “Sunny,” Boney M
The M hit the Top Five here with this cover of the 1966 Bobby Hebb hit. The song doesn’t work as well in disco as it did in folk-pop, but it still has some appeal. It’s really hard not to like these guys.
9 - “Pearl’s a Singer,” Elkie Brooks
The Lancashirewoman’s breakthrough hit was this song that legendary songwriters Jerry Lieber and Mike Stoller wrote in 1974 for never-weres Dino and Sembello. The bluesy tale of a woman who falls short of the big time is an ideal showcase for Brooks’ voice. It must not have been pushed very well in North America, because that’s the only reason I can think of for why this didn’t hit over here. It’s right in the Rod Stewart/Bonnie Tyler sweet spot.
8 - “Going in with My Eyes Open,” David Soul
Hutch’s second hit is pretty much a rewrite of “Don’t Give Up on Us Baby.” It hit #2, so persistent pays, don’t fix what ain’t broke, all that stuff.
7 - “You Don’t Have to be a Star (To Be in My Show),” Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis Jr.
The married, former Fifth Dimensioneers had a North American #1 with this sweet disco love song about acceptance. It only got this high here. I’m satisfied that 1-1-7 was the right outcome.
6 - “Have I the Right,” Dead End Kids
From Kilmarnock, these Scots tried to pick up where the Bay City Rollers left off, and it did net them one hit in this cover of a 1964 Honeycombs song. They sound enthusiastic enough, and it’s a pleasant listen, but you forget all about them before the song even finishes fading out.
5 - “I Don’t Want to Put a Hold on You,” Berni Flint
This ex-Navy sailor from Southport is another graduate of the talent show Opportunity Knocks, and his first and biggest hit was this nice folk number about taking romance casually. I like it, even though it’s a bit derivative of David Carradine’s “I’m Easy.”
4 - “Sir Duke,” Stevie Wonder
His tribute to the legends of jazz was #1 in the States, #2 here and in Canada. That’s more of an injustice than it appears. Stevie should have all the crowns for Songs in the Key of Life. That was a mic drop that still echoes four decades later.
3 - “Free,” Deneice Williams
One of the other famous singers from Gary, Indiana, Williams first hit was a minor Top 40 in North America, but topped the chart here. Britain for the win. Brilliant bedroom soul.
2 - “Red Light Spells Danger,” Billy Ocean
Billy’s second #2 was this dramatic, Four Tops-y number about restrained lust. I was prepared to be disappointed in this compared to the greatness of “Love Really Hurts Without You,” but this measures up quite favourably. He was clearly the best British soul had to offer at the time.
And at #1 42 years ago was...
1 - “Knowing Me, Knowing You,” ABBA
Their fourth #1 here, and possibly their best. It’s definitely their hardest-rocking hit. It actually registers on the Headbangometer. Only a 0.3, but still. Combine that with the stark breakup lyric, and it’s one of the prime examples of their genius. Canada could have done better than #5, and the U.S.? 14! That’s an insult to Swedish craftsmanship.
We’re back to the tournament next time, seeing how sweet the 16 remaining songs can be. See you then.
Saturday, May 4, 2019
AOMA: UKT40 April 30, 1977 Part One
April 1977. On the date of this chart, Englishman John Spencer defeated Canadian Cliff Thorburn to win the World Snooker Championship in the first one held at it’s now-permanent home, the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield. So let’s cue up the popular songs of the day.
40 - “Chanson D’Amour,” The Manhattan Transfer
Our second look at the New York jazzers’ only charttopper. Still like the Edith Piaf vibe of it. Probably the best thing they ever did.
39 - “Rio,” Michael Nesmith
The Monkee with the most musical cred, Nesmith picked up a solo hit here with this country/bossa nova hybrid about dreaming of the beaches of Brazil. A sweet little reverie that makes you wonder what kind of career he would have had if he’d skipped that audition.
38 - “Mah Na Mah Na,” Piero Umiliani
We meet again with the nonsensical classic, originally written for an exploitative documentary about sex in Sweden and popularized by Jim Henson’s puppets. That explanation of why we all know the song somehow makes less sense than the lyrics.
37 - “Love Hit Me,” Maxine Nightingale
In between her two biggest hits “Right Back Where We Started From” and “Lead Me On,” the Londoner went to #11 here with this sprightly, Motowny love song. It’s right up there with the other two in quality. She should have been a bigger star.
36 - “You’re My Life,” Barry Biggs
The third and last hit here for the Jamaican best known for his cover of Blue Magic’s “Sideshow” was this very bland ballad. The only thing interesting is how his voice is even higher than it was on his bigger hit. There are moments that threaten to veer into castrato territory.
35 - “Southern Nights,” Glen Campbell
The Arkansan’s surprising dip into New Orleans R&B topped the charts in North America, but only got to #28 here. I had imagined at least a Top Ten placing here, but oh well. It still gives me all the joy, as the kids probably say.
34 - “Moody Blue,” Elvis Presley
This was the last Top Ten he had during his lifetime, and it’s a worthy one. A good song about trying to understand a women, and his performance splits the difference between Memphis and Vegas. I also have a soft spot for this because it shares its name with a cheap wine my parents used to drink in the 70s. Although that was apparently named for the band.
33 - “Together,” O.C. Smith
Nine years after hitting #2 in America with “Little Green Apples” and turning the same trick here with “The Son of Hickory Holler’s Tramp,” Louisianan Smith charted again with this Barry White-ish number about romantically dedication. Sexy soul from a veteran, That usually turns out well.
32 - “7000 Dollars and You,” The Stylistics
The last hit for the Philly soul singers was this Latin-tinged tune about what the singer would do with various amounts of money and the love of his life. With seven grand, he’d get her fancy clothes and rent a Cadillac. With 100 Gs, they’d fly to Spain every weekend on his private jet. And with a million...surprise twist ahead...he wouldn’t even need her. Men, am I right?
31 - “Where is the Love (We Used to Know),” Delegation
The biggest hit for this British contingent was this disco breakup lament. They’re kind of like the O’Jays less nourishing substitutes, the O’Drinks.
30 - “Marquee Moon,” Television
The first hit for these influential New York art punks was this ten-minute-plus epic (divided in half to fit both sides of a 7-inch). Its stuttery guitars, jazz-influenced cadences, and Tom Verlaine’s anguished singing about the danger and mystery of the night make it one of the most interesting pure pieces of music punk ever produced, and it works just fine as a record to rock out to as well. Definitely a band worth checking out, even for punk skeptics.
29 - “Another Funny Honeymoon,” David Dundas
The other hit for “Jeans On” hitmaker/future British Lord was this piano-driven track about someone who drove his lover away by indulging in drugs and drink. It’s like something Gilbert O’Sullivan would do if he was the slightest bit interesting.
28 - “Good Morning Judge,” 10cc
Another spin of they’re jaunty rocker about an irredeemable scoundrel. Another intelligent pop master class. They did it, they were there, and thank God for that.
27 - “Smoke on the Water,” Deep Purple
Four years after the studio version of the rock standard went Top Five in America, a live version from a concert in Osaka, Japan in 1972 finally made it a hit single here. That Swiss guy with the flare gun turned out to be rock’s version of the butterfly flapping its wings.
26 - “Sound + Vision,” David Bowie
Another visit with Bowie’s last Top Five of the 70s. It must be one of the best pop hits where the lead vocals come in almost halfway through the song.
25 - “Evergreen (Love Theme from A Star is Born),” Barbra Streisand
The closest Babs came to a Triple Crown before she finally got one with “Woman in Love.” I’ve never seen this or any of the other versions of this movie, but I think I will eventually give the Bradley Cooper/Lady Gaga one a look. I can imagine that being really good.
24 - “Ain’t Gonna Bump No More (With No Big Fat Woman),” Joe Tex
This disco novelty was the soul vet’s only hit here, reaching #2. I would have thought the Northern Soul scene would have found him before this. You can’t assume anything.
23 - “Rock Bottom,” Lynsey De Paul and Mike Moran
More Eurovision, as this composition by Londoner De Paul and Leeds’ Moran was this year’s British entry. This piano boogie about being joyfully pragmatic about being poor only finished ninth. That was about right for this bit of sub-Mungo Jerry fluff.
22 - “The Shuffle,” Van McCoy
The slower, busier “Hustle.” A very worth second Top Five for Van. A good walking song.
21 - “Hotel California,” Eagles
#1 in North America, their only Top Ten here. Sometimes I think they’d be better thought of if this was their only hit. But maybe it would be the opposite.
In Part Two: we climb a hill only to find a red light at a dead end.
40 - “Chanson D’Amour,” The Manhattan Transfer
Our second look at the New York jazzers’ only charttopper. Still like the Edith Piaf vibe of it. Probably the best thing they ever did.
39 - “Rio,” Michael Nesmith
The Monkee with the most musical cred, Nesmith picked up a solo hit here with this country/bossa nova hybrid about dreaming of the beaches of Brazil. A sweet little reverie that makes you wonder what kind of career he would have had if he’d skipped that audition.
38 - “Mah Na Mah Na,” Piero Umiliani
We meet again with the nonsensical classic, originally written for an exploitative documentary about sex in Sweden and popularized by Jim Henson’s puppets. That explanation of why we all know the song somehow makes less sense than the lyrics.
37 - “Love Hit Me,” Maxine Nightingale
In between her two biggest hits “Right Back Where We Started From” and “Lead Me On,” the Londoner went to #11 here with this sprightly, Motowny love song. It’s right up there with the other two in quality. She should have been a bigger star.
36 - “You’re My Life,” Barry Biggs
The third and last hit here for the Jamaican best known for his cover of Blue Magic’s “Sideshow” was this very bland ballad. The only thing interesting is how his voice is even higher than it was on his bigger hit. There are moments that threaten to veer into castrato territory.
35 - “Southern Nights,” Glen Campbell
The Arkansan’s surprising dip into New Orleans R&B topped the charts in North America, but only got to #28 here. I had imagined at least a Top Ten placing here, but oh well. It still gives me all the joy, as the kids probably say.
34 - “Moody Blue,” Elvis Presley
This was the last Top Ten he had during his lifetime, and it’s a worthy one. A good song about trying to understand a women, and his performance splits the difference between Memphis and Vegas. I also have a soft spot for this because it shares its name with a cheap wine my parents used to drink in the 70s. Although that was apparently named for the band.
33 - “Together,” O.C. Smith
Nine years after hitting #2 in America with “Little Green Apples” and turning the same trick here with “The Son of Hickory Holler’s Tramp,” Louisianan Smith charted again with this Barry White-ish number about romantically dedication. Sexy soul from a veteran, That usually turns out well.
32 - “7000 Dollars and You,” The Stylistics
The last hit for the Philly soul singers was this Latin-tinged tune about what the singer would do with various amounts of money and the love of his life. With seven grand, he’d get her fancy clothes and rent a Cadillac. With 100 Gs, they’d fly to Spain every weekend on his private jet. And with a million...surprise twist ahead...he wouldn’t even need her. Men, am I right?
31 - “Where is the Love (We Used to Know),” Delegation
The biggest hit for this British contingent was this disco breakup lament. They’re kind of like the O’Jays less nourishing substitutes, the O’Drinks.
30 - “Marquee Moon,” Television
The first hit for these influential New York art punks was this ten-minute-plus epic (divided in half to fit both sides of a 7-inch). Its stuttery guitars, jazz-influenced cadences, and Tom Verlaine’s anguished singing about the danger and mystery of the night make it one of the most interesting pure pieces of music punk ever produced, and it works just fine as a record to rock out to as well. Definitely a band worth checking out, even for punk skeptics.
29 - “Another Funny Honeymoon,” David Dundas
The other hit for “Jeans On” hitmaker/future British Lord was this piano-driven track about someone who drove his lover away by indulging in drugs and drink. It’s like something Gilbert O’Sullivan would do if he was the slightest bit interesting.
28 - “Good Morning Judge,” 10cc
Another spin of they’re jaunty rocker about an irredeemable scoundrel. Another intelligent pop master class. They did it, they were there, and thank God for that.
27 - “Smoke on the Water,” Deep Purple
Four years after the studio version of the rock standard went Top Five in America, a live version from a concert in Osaka, Japan in 1972 finally made it a hit single here. That Swiss guy with the flare gun turned out to be rock’s version of the butterfly flapping its wings.
26 - “Sound + Vision,” David Bowie
Another visit with Bowie’s last Top Five of the 70s. It must be one of the best pop hits where the lead vocals come in almost halfway through the song.
25 - “Evergreen (Love Theme from A Star is Born),” Barbra Streisand
The closest Babs came to a Triple Crown before she finally got one with “Woman in Love.” I’ve never seen this or any of the other versions of this movie, but I think I will eventually give the Bradley Cooper/Lady Gaga one a look. I can imagine that being really good.
24 - “Ain’t Gonna Bump No More (With No Big Fat Woman),” Joe Tex
This disco novelty was the soul vet’s only hit here, reaching #2. I would have thought the Northern Soul scene would have found him before this. You can’t assume anything.
23 - “Rock Bottom,” Lynsey De Paul and Mike Moran
More Eurovision, as this composition by Londoner De Paul and Leeds’ Moran was this year’s British entry. This piano boogie about being joyfully pragmatic about being poor only finished ninth. That was about right for this bit of sub-Mungo Jerry fluff.
22 - “The Shuffle,” Van McCoy
The slower, busier “Hustle.” A very worth second Top Five for Van. A good walking song.
21 - “Hotel California,” Eagles
#1 in North America, their only Top Ten here. Sometimes I think they’d be better thought of if this was their only hit. But maybe it would be the opposite.
In Part Two: we climb a hill only to find a red light at a dead end.
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
...And As Years Go By: CT50 April 16, 1983
April 1983. A year after the sex comedy Porky’s became a surprise blockbuster, Canada’s film industry tried to keep up the momentum by releasing Losin’ It. While it grossed less than 1% of what the adventures of Pee-Wee, Meat, and Beulah Balbricker did, it lives on as an Easter egg on the IMDB pages of Shelley Long and Tom Cruise. Meanwhile, our music charts had much less nudity, but let’s look at them anyway.
49 - “The One Thing,” INXS
Their first Top 40 in North America was this slinky rocker about a sexy lady. It makes an great impression, even without the video featuring sexy models and cats on Valium. They were already living up to their name.
46 - “Sign of the Times,” Men’s Room (CanCon!)
This female trio, which included previous CanCon stars Charity Brown and Cherill Rae, scored their one hit with this cover of a Belle Stars U.K. Top Five. Great song, but a much inferior version. Flushable.
45 - “Tears on Your Anorak,” Drivers
Four years before inflicting “(I Just) Died in Your Arms” on an undiscriminating world, Aussie Nick Van Eede led a band that scored a hit way up here with this punk-popper about discovering a cheating lover. It’s solid, boppy pleasure that deserved to be bigger and wider. I begrudge him his Cutting Crew success a little less now.
41 - “Mexican Radio,” Wall of Voodoo
This L.A. band created an odd fusion of New Wave and 60s Western scores on this well-remembered track that saw its best chart action up here, where it reached the Top Twenty. It’s about the joys of listening to powerful “border blaster” stations that targeted American listeners in such a way that apparently made singer Stan Ridgway legendarily long to eat barbecued iguana in Tijuana. A classic of alternative rock before that was even a thing. I’m proud we gave this some chart justice.
40 - “Sheriff,” The Tenants (CanCon!)
This Scarborough band’s only hit was this ska-reggae tune about, appropriately enough given the band’s name, being unable to pay rent and dodging authority to avoid eviction. You can hear a lot of the Police on this, but they have enough of a flavour of their own to not be mere pretenders.
37 - “Human Race,” Red Rider (CanCon!)
Tom Cochrane’s crew had their third hit with this slick rocker about not giving up after a romantic setback. Dark and serious-sounding, as they generally were before Tommy got top billing.
33 - “Everytime I See Your Picture,” Luba (CanCon!)
Ms. Kowalchyk’s first hit was this stark power ballad about being haunted by an ex’s memory. The lyrics spell out the symptoms and the consequences unflinchingly, and Luba belts them with conviction. I’m not sure how this didn’t cross over to be a hit in the States. Maybe if an American DJ had stumbled upon it in 1989 it could have done so. It could have happen, as we’ll soon see.
31 - “Danseparc (Every Day It’s Tomorrow),” Martha and the Muffins (CanCon!)
The Torontoninans’ third hit was this stuttery New Waver about life and love in the big city. This wouldn’t hit the heights of “Echo Beach,” but it’s still an understated gem that shows off the potential of its co-producer, future U2 board-manner Daniel Lanois.
30 - “When I’m With You,” Sheriff (CanCon!)
This Toronto band’s second hit was this sappy-ass power ballad. It got to the Top Ten here, and made it to #61 in the USA. That would have been it, but in the wake of the DJ-powered relaunch of UB40’s “Red Red Wine” in late 1988, American jocks were searching for “lost” singles from earlier in the decade, and a Las Vegas jock added it and started it on its way to #1 six years after its debut. To my ears, it had somehow gotten worse with time, and it’s still awful. I really do hope there’s a parallel universe where it switches fates with “Everytime I See Your Picture.”
26 - “Who Knows How to Make Love Stay,” Doug and the Slugs (CanCon!)
The second hit for the Vancouver band was this retro-tinged pop rocker about trying to make romance last. I continue to assert that Doug Bennett is the Avro Arrow version of Huey Lewis: something we perfected that America tried to replicate but fell a bit short.
24 - “Sex (I’m a...),” Berlin
The L.A. New Wavers made their first impact with this frankly carnal synth-rocker that was essentially the next step up from “Love to Love You Baby.” But apparently the conservatism that prompted the rise of Reagan bled onto pop radio, because this only reached #62 in America. However, in a country still run by Pierre “The state has no place in the bedrooms of the nation” Trudeau, Terri Nunn’s moans and her hints of being into prostitution and bisexuality were able to reach the Top Five. Though at the time the song didn’t reach my ears until it was included in a polka medley on a Weird Al Yankovic album the next year. It’s a song you may not approve of, but you cannot deny it does what it wants to do as well as could be. Forget that Top Gun mush; this is the one that will really take your breath away.
22 - “Shy Boy,” Bananarama
The London girls’ first Fun Boy Three-less hit at home also got to the Top Ten in the former Dominion. A slightly better riff on the theme the Pointer Sisters’ covered a couple years before on “He’s So Shy.” It does make me feel good.
Top Ten coming, hide your heart, girl.
10 - “Beat It,” Michael Jackson
His first stab at hard rock only went to #3 in Britain, in yet another Triple Crown denial. Apparently, Eddie Van Halen did his solo for free. No one gives me gifts like that.
9 - “One on One,” Daryl Hall and John Oates
The Philly duo’s slick seduction ballad was a cross-border Top Ten. The musical equivalent of a well-stroked sixteen-foot jump shot.
8 - “Midnight Blue,” Louise Tucker
British mezzo-soprano Tucker teamed up with producers Tim Smit and Charlie Skarbek (the latter of whom shares lead vocals) on this Vangelisesque synth ballad which adds lyrics to a Beethoven sonata. It missed the Top 40 in both the U’s, but we made it a Top Ten for some reason. I can’t endorse our decision.
7 - “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me,” Culture Club
This time it was America denying the Triple Crown. A really big misstep. This is one of the greatest calling cards of any group ever.
6 - “Jeopardy,” The Greg Kihn Band
The San Franciscans biggest hit. Still lives in the shadow of Weird Al and the game show, but it deserves props for being fantastic, danceable pub rock. Don’t Kihntinue to overlook it.
5 - “Back on the Chain Gang,” Pretenders
The pinnacle of Chrissie Hynde’s songwriting. An amazing encapsulation of frustration and regret. And it was North America that made it Top Five, not Britain. A nice taste victory for the former colonies.
4 - “Hungry Like The Wolf,” Duran Duran
Only we made this a #1. And I bought the single, so I am truly a part of that we. This is New Wave Rock perfection. The drums, the guitars, the synths, Simon Le Bon convincingly portraying a primal carnal predator, it’s all brilliant.
3 - “Billie Jean,” Michael Jackson
Obviously a Triple Crown winner, obviously a game changer in so many ways, and obviously the work of a...complicated person. The only possibly original thing I could say would be to question how and why “dancing on the floor in the round” came to be a sex euphemism.
2 - “She Blinded Me with Science,” Thomas Dolby
Another one we alone took to the top. Another point of national pride. And it only made #49 in Britain. Explain that, science!
1 - “Mr. Roboto,” Styx
The Bob Seger of Chicago also benefited from our generosity, as this effort to surf on the New Wave was #1 here only. And Britain really dissed it, holding it to #90. Perhaps it was too modrin for them
We return to Britain next time. See you then.
49 - “The One Thing,” INXS
Their first Top 40 in North America was this slinky rocker about a sexy lady. It makes an great impression, even without the video featuring sexy models and cats on Valium. They were already living up to their name.
46 - “Sign of the Times,” Men’s Room (CanCon!)
This female trio, which included previous CanCon stars Charity Brown and Cherill Rae, scored their one hit with this cover of a Belle Stars U.K. Top Five. Great song, but a much inferior version. Flushable.
45 - “Tears on Your Anorak,” Drivers
Four years before inflicting “(I Just) Died in Your Arms” on an undiscriminating world, Aussie Nick Van Eede led a band that scored a hit way up here with this punk-popper about discovering a cheating lover. It’s solid, boppy pleasure that deserved to be bigger and wider. I begrudge him his Cutting Crew success a little less now.
41 - “Mexican Radio,” Wall of Voodoo
This L.A. band created an odd fusion of New Wave and 60s Western scores on this well-remembered track that saw its best chart action up here, where it reached the Top Twenty. It’s about the joys of listening to powerful “border blaster” stations that targeted American listeners in such a way that apparently made singer Stan Ridgway legendarily long to eat barbecued iguana in Tijuana. A classic of alternative rock before that was even a thing. I’m proud we gave this some chart justice.
40 - “Sheriff,” The Tenants (CanCon!)
This Scarborough band’s only hit was this ska-reggae tune about, appropriately enough given the band’s name, being unable to pay rent and dodging authority to avoid eviction. You can hear a lot of the Police on this, but they have enough of a flavour of their own to not be mere pretenders.
37 - “Human Race,” Red Rider (CanCon!)
Tom Cochrane’s crew had their third hit with this slick rocker about not giving up after a romantic setback. Dark and serious-sounding, as they generally were before Tommy got top billing.
33 - “Everytime I See Your Picture,” Luba (CanCon!)
Ms. Kowalchyk’s first hit was this stark power ballad about being haunted by an ex’s memory. The lyrics spell out the symptoms and the consequences unflinchingly, and Luba belts them with conviction. I’m not sure how this didn’t cross over to be a hit in the States. Maybe if an American DJ had stumbled upon it in 1989 it could have done so. It could have happen, as we’ll soon see.
31 - “Danseparc (Every Day It’s Tomorrow),” Martha and the Muffins (CanCon!)
The Torontoninans’ third hit was this stuttery New Waver about life and love in the big city. This wouldn’t hit the heights of “Echo Beach,” but it’s still an understated gem that shows off the potential of its co-producer, future U2 board-manner Daniel Lanois.
30 - “When I’m With You,” Sheriff (CanCon!)
This Toronto band’s second hit was this sappy-ass power ballad. It got to the Top Ten here, and made it to #61 in the USA. That would have been it, but in the wake of the DJ-powered relaunch of UB40’s “Red Red Wine” in late 1988, American jocks were searching for “lost” singles from earlier in the decade, and a Las Vegas jock added it and started it on its way to #1 six years after its debut. To my ears, it had somehow gotten worse with time, and it’s still awful. I really do hope there’s a parallel universe where it switches fates with “Everytime I See Your Picture.”
26 - “Who Knows How to Make Love Stay,” Doug and the Slugs (CanCon!)
The second hit for the Vancouver band was this retro-tinged pop rocker about trying to make romance last. I continue to assert that Doug Bennett is the Avro Arrow version of Huey Lewis: something we perfected that America tried to replicate but fell a bit short.
24 - “Sex (I’m a...),” Berlin
The L.A. New Wavers made their first impact with this frankly carnal synth-rocker that was essentially the next step up from “Love to Love You Baby.” But apparently the conservatism that prompted the rise of Reagan bled onto pop radio, because this only reached #62 in America. However, in a country still run by Pierre “The state has no place in the bedrooms of the nation” Trudeau, Terri Nunn’s moans and her hints of being into prostitution and bisexuality were able to reach the Top Five. Though at the time the song didn’t reach my ears until it was included in a polka medley on a Weird Al Yankovic album the next year. It’s a song you may not approve of, but you cannot deny it does what it wants to do as well as could be. Forget that Top Gun mush; this is the one that will really take your breath away.
22 - “Shy Boy,” Bananarama
The London girls’ first Fun Boy Three-less hit at home also got to the Top Ten in the former Dominion. A slightly better riff on the theme the Pointer Sisters’ covered a couple years before on “He’s So Shy.” It does make me feel good.
Top Ten coming, hide your heart, girl.
10 - “Beat It,” Michael Jackson
His first stab at hard rock only went to #3 in Britain, in yet another Triple Crown denial. Apparently, Eddie Van Halen did his solo for free. No one gives me gifts like that.
9 - “One on One,” Daryl Hall and John Oates
The Philly duo’s slick seduction ballad was a cross-border Top Ten. The musical equivalent of a well-stroked sixteen-foot jump shot.
8 - “Midnight Blue,” Louise Tucker
British mezzo-soprano Tucker teamed up with producers Tim Smit and Charlie Skarbek (the latter of whom shares lead vocals) on this Vangelisesque synth ballad which adds lyrics to a Beethoven sonata. It missed the Top 40 in both the U’s, but we made it a Top Ten for some reason. I can’t endorse our decision.
7 - “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me,” Culture Club
This time it was America denying the Triple Crown. A really big misstep. This is one of the greatest calling cards of any group ever.
6 - “Jeopardy,” The Greg Kihn Band
The San Franciscans biggest hit. Still lives in the shadow of Weird Al and the game show, but it deserves props for being fantastic, danceable pub rock. Don’t Kihntinue to overlook it.
5 - “Back on the Chain Gang,” Pretenders
The pinnacle of Chrissie Hynde’s songwriting. An amazing encapsulation of frustration and regret. And it was North America that made it Top Five, not Britain. A nice taste victory for the former colonies.
4 - “Hungry Like The Wolf,” Duran Duran
Only we made this a #1. And I bought the single, so I am truly a part of that we. This is New Wave Rock perfection. The drums, the guitars, the synths, Simon Le Bon convincingly portraying a primal carnal predator, it’s all brilliant.
3 - “Billie Jean,” Michael Jackson
Obviously a Triple Crown winner, obviously a game changer in so many ways, and obviously the work of a...complicated person. The only possibly original thing I could say would be to question how and why “dancing on the floor in the round” came to be a sex euphemism.
2 - “She Blinded Me with Science,” Thomas Dolby
Another one we alone took to the top. Another point of national pride. And it only made #49 in Britain. Explain that, science!
1 - “Mr. Roboto,” Styx
The Bob Seger of Chicago also benefited from our generosity, as this effort to surf on the New Wave was #1 here only. And Britain really dissed it, holding it to #90. Perhaps it was too modrin for them
We return to Britain next time. See you then.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)