THE NIGHT CRAWLER BOWL
“Funky Worm,” The Ohio Players, 1973
vs. “Werewolves of London,” Warren Zevon, 1978
A #15 about soulful fish bait versus a #21 about predatory mammalian hybrids.
Final Score: Worm 26, Werewolves 16. By request of both teams, the game kicked off at 2 am. The Zevon squad’s aggression was prevailing for much of the game, but the gang from Ohio used delaying tactics to prolong the game to the point where day was beginning to break, and after that, their opponents became an entirely different team. The Worm turned after that. When the coaches shook hands after the game, Granny of the Funky side asked her hirsute opposite number if he could introduce her to his team’s uniform supplier.
Final Score: Worm 26, Werewolves 16. By request of both teams, the game kicked off at 2 am. The Zevon squad’s aggression was prevailing for much of the game, but the gang from Ohio used delaying tactics to prolong the game to the point where day was beginning to break, and after that, their opponents became an entirely different team. The Worm turned after that. When the coaches shook hands after the game, Granny of the Funky side asked her hirsute opposite number if he could introduce her to his team’s uniform supplier.
THE KIDS’ CHOICE BOWL
“The Candy Man,” Sammy Davis Jr., 1972
vs. “School’s Out,” Alice Cooper, 1972
The charttopper about a purveyor of sweets meets a #7 about kids being let loose.
Final Score: Candy 31, School 21. The first half was dominated by the youthful exuberance of the Coop crew over the Davis’ out-of-shape sugar addicts. However, fortunes were reversed in the second half, to such an extent that some observers speculated that the School kids were intentionally giving the game away. There were also rumours that sometime during the first half, Coach Davis made a phone call to a friend of his with the initials F.S., and that friend had arranged for some “interested spectators” to visit Alice’s team at halftime to offer “encouragement.” An investigation was conducted, and while reportedly there was some evidence of funny business, the Tournament Director has decided not to charge the Candy men with anything and will allow them to continue their campaign. No, our Director’s name isn’t William Barr. Why would you ask that?
Final Score: Candy 31, School 21. The first half was dominated by the youthful exuberance of the Coop crew over the Davis’ out-of-shape sugar addicts. However, fortunes were reversed in the second half, to such an extent that some observers speculated that the School kids were intentionally giving the game away. There were also rumours that sometime during the first half, Coach Davis made a phone call to a friend of his with the initials F.S., and that friend had arranged for some “interested spectators” to visit Alice’s team at halftime to offer “encouragement.” An investigation was conducted, and while reportedly there was some evidence of funny business, the Tournament Director has decided not to charge the Candy men with anything and will allow them to continue their campaign. No, our Director’s name isn’t William Barr. Why would you ask that?
THE TOY ANIMALS BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs. “Teddy Bear,” Red Sovine, 1976
A #16 about bath time companionship takes on a #40 about finding a friend on a radio frequency.
Final Score: Duckie 28, Bear 6. Ernie’s squad played with so much cheerful exuberance that the serious Sovines could not help but stand around and watch for most of the game. The Teddy Bears left the stadium in their trucks happier than most teams are when they actually win.
Final Score: Duckie 28, Bear 6. Ernie’s squad played with so much cheerful exuberance that the serious Sovines could not help but stand around and watch for most of the game. The Teddy Bears left the stadium in their trucks happier than most teams are when they actually win.
THE EATIN’ AND MATIN’ BOWL
“Mr. Jaws,” Dickie Goodman, 1975
vs. “Muskrat Love,” The Captain and Tennille, 1976
A #4 shark tale faces a #4 rodent romance.
Final Score: Muskrat 20, Jaws 14. The wriggly rodents proved too elusive for the massive Great Whites to overcome. This was a shock to many observers, who expected the Jaws to devour the competition for a few more rounds, possibly all the way to the championship. A stunned Coach Goodman was interviewed after the game.
Dickie, obviously this was not the result you were anticipating. What went wrong?
“Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame.”
Really? Can you tell me more about this woman?
“She’s a rich girl, and she’s gone too far.”
Okay. We’ve heard that you were having trouble finding words for your postgame team speech. Can you comment on that?
“What do I say when it’s all over?”
What did your players say to you when they left the dressing room?
“You can go your own way, go your own way!”
Sounds like they weren’t happy with you. What do you have to say about that?
“Players only love you when they’re playing,”
I see. Let’s talk about the other team. What did you say to their Captain after the game?
“Nobody does it half as good as you, baby you’re the best.”
Do you have any advice for them in their upcoming game?
“Hey y’all, prepare yourself for the rubberband man.”
All right. Well, thank you for giving these interviews, Coach. They’ve been very informative. We now return you to...
“Don’t leave me this way.”
I’m sorry, Dickie, we’ve got to go.
“I can’t survive...”
Really, Dickie, it’s over.
“I can’t stay alive...”
Dickie, let go of me!
“without your love...”
DICKIE!!!!
“Don’t leave me this way.”
(Feed cuts out)
Well, some surprising developments there. We’ll keep you posted. Let’s move on.
Final Score: Muskrat 20, Jaws 14. The wriggly rodents proved too elusive for the massive Great Whites to overcome. This was a shock to many observers, who expected the Jaws to devour the competition for a few more rounds, possibly all the way to the championship. A stunned Coach Goodman was interviewed after the game.
Dickie, obviously this was not the result you were anticipating. What went wrong?
“Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame.”
Really? Can you tell me more about this woman?
“She’s a rich girl, and she’s gone too far.”
Okay. We’ve heard that you were having trouble finding words for your postgame team speech. Can you comment on that?
“What do I say when it’s all over?”
What did your players say to you when they left the dressing room?
“You can go your own way, go your own way!”
Sounds like they weren’t happy with you. What do you have to say about that?
“Players only love you when they’re playing,”
I see. Let’s talk about the other team. What did you say to their Captain after the game?
“Nobody does it half as good as you, baby you’re the best.”
Do you have any advice for them in their upcoming game?
“Hey y’all, prepare yourself for the rubberband man.”
All right. Well, thank you for giving these interviews, Coach. They’ve been very informative. We now return you to...
“Don’t leave me this way.”
I’m sorry, Dickie, we’ve got to go.
“I can’t survive...”
Really, Dickie, it’s over.
“I can’t stay alive...”
Dickie, let go of me!
“without your love...”
DICKIE!!!!
“Don’t leave me this way.”
(Feed cuts out)
Well, some surprising developments there. We’ll keep you posted. Let’s move on.
THE TOO MANY BALLS ON THE COURT BOWL
“Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces,” Cheech and Chong, 1973
vs. “The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974
The #15 about a b-ball junkie meets a #1 about an exhibitionism addict.
Final Score: Streak 33, Jones 31. The Streak continues, as their naked aggression and balls-out offense allowed them to edge the Joneses. There was some concern that Cheech and Chong were so incensed by the loss that they were burning down their locker room, but it turned out that there was another explanation for the smoke coming from behind the door.
Final Score: Streak 33, Jones 31. The Streak continues, as their naked aggression and balls-out offense allowed them to edge the Joneses. There was some concern that Cheech and Chong were so incensed by the loss that they were burning down their locker room, but it turned out that there was another explanation for the smoke coming from behind the door.
THE I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASTHMA INHALER BOWL
“Kung Fu Fighting,” Carl Douglas, 1974
vs. “Shaving Cream,” Benny Bell, 1975
The #1 about Asian martial arts battles a #30 not about facial lubricant.
Final Score: Fighting 35, Shaving 10. The Kung Fu practitioners used athleticism and expert timing to, well, cream their opponents. Another colourful coach is out of the tournament, but Benny gave one final statement to the press after the game:
“This loss is very disappointing,
It’s angered me too, I’ll admit.
I hoped we would get good officials,
But these referees were full of shit!
Yeah, I said it. No more mincing words. Those Kung Fu guys got away with everything. I know people don’t want to take the foot out of football, but I thought the ball was the only thing you were supposed to kick. And all those chop blocks! It was shit shit shit! I don’t care if we lose our Gillette sponsorship. No more shaving cream, No more shaving. I’m growing a beard. You know my grandfather had a long one. That’s a funny story...”
He had a lot more to say, but we need to move on now.
Final Score: Fighting 35, Shaving 10. The Kung Fu practitioners used athleticism and expert timing to, well, cream their opponents. Another colourful coach is out of the tournament, but Benny gave one final statement to the press after the game:
“This loss is very disappointing,
It’s angered me too, I’ll admit.
I hoped we would get good officials,
But these referees were full of shit!
Yeah, I said it. No more mincing words. Those Kung Fu guys got away with everything. I know people don’t want to take the foot out of football, but I thought the ball was the only thing you were supposed to kick. And all those chop blocks! It was shit shit shit! I don’t care if we lose our Gillette sponsorship. No more shaving cream, No more shaving. I’m growing a beard. You know my grandfather had a long one. That’s a funny story...”
He had a lot more to say, but we need to move on now.
THE WHAT’S YOUR 20 SAUCER JOCKEY BOWL
“The White Knight,” Cledus Maggard and the Citizens’ Band, 1976
vs. “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft,” Carpenters, 1977
The #19 about a sly sheriff matches up with a #32 about undiscovered intelligent life.
Final Score: Occupants 37, Knight 31 (OT). This was one of the closest games we’ve had so far. It came down a play where the Citizens defense tried to lay a trap for the Occupants’ speedy receivers, but the Carpenters instead constructed a play that saw them go straight up the middle to escape with the win. The Knight and his truckers’ cargo will not include the tournament trophy.
Final Score: Occupants 37, Knight 31 (OT). This was one of the closest games we’ve had so far. It came down a play where the Citizens defense tried to lay a trap for the Occupants’ speedy receivers, but the Carpenters instead constructed a play that saw them go straight up the middle to escape with the win. The Knight and his truckers’ cargo will not include the tournament trophy.
THE WHAT DOES HARRY THE DOG WANT FOR NOTHIN’ BOWL
“Saturday Morning Confusion,” Bobby Russell, 1971
vs. “Rubber Biscuit,” The Blues Brothers, 1979
A #28 about waking up to chaos versus a #37 about unappetizing edibles,
Final Score: Biscuit 23, Confusion 10. The Brothers nonsensical play calls further puzzled Russell’s already confused crew. The losing team, however, seemed relieved that it was all over and they could finally relax.
Final Score: Biscuit 23, Confusion 10. The Brothers nonsensical play calls further puzzled Russell’s already confused crew. The losing team, however, seemed relieved that it was all over and they could finally relax.
THE ELVIS MEETS NIXON...’S LAST DAYS AS PRESIDENT BOWL
“Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me,” Reunion, 1974
vs. “The King is Gone,” Ronnie McDowell,” 1977
A #8 musical mini-encyclopedia takes on a #13 Elvis eulogy.
Final Score: King 45, Life 16. McDowell’s formula for victory remains the same: strictly follow a playbook that he has an extreme reverence for, and use it to dominate lesser opponents. And for the second straight game, he met a team working from pieces of multiple game plans. The Radio got rolled. Goodbye, Reunion, we’ll miss you.
Final Score: King 45, Life 16. McDowell’s formula for victory remains the same: strictly follow a playbook that he has an extreme reverence for, and use it to dominate lesser opponents. And for the second straight game, he met a team working from pieces of multiple game plans. The Radio got rolled. Goodbye, Reunion, we’ll miss you.
THE FIRST YOU GET THE AIRPLAY, THEN YOU GET THE PRESS COVERAGE BOWL
“The Cover of the Rolling Stone,” Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show, 1973
vs. “WOLD,” Harry Chapin, 1974
A #6 about a band trying to get on the front of a pop periodical faces a #36 about a guy who would play that same band’s singles.
A #6 about a band trying to get on the front of a pop periodical faces a #36 about a guy who would play that same band’s singles.
Final Score: Cover 38, WOLD 3. An easy win for the Medicine Show. They remain laser-focused on their goal, while Harry’s team just seemed to have lost enthusiasm for the game and were just showing up to go through the motions, get the game cheque, and move on.
THE HOW MANY NIGHTS HAVE WE STAYED UP TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL THESE GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT BOWL
“American Pie,” Don McLean, 1972
vs. “Hotel California,” Eagles, 1977
The #1 abstraction of rock history battles the #1 L.A. metaphor.
Final Score: Pie 45, Hotel 38. Both teams confounded each other with plays that looked like something other than what they were. The McLean team just had a few more such tricks, and that made the difference. They celebrated after the game with whiskey and rye. The Californians wanted to drown their post-loss sorrows in a fine wine, but were told it wasn’t available here.
Final Score: Pie 45, Hotel 38. Both teams confounded each other with plays that looked like something other than what they were. The McLean team just had a few more such tricks, and that made the difference. They celebrated after the game with whiskey and rye. The Californians wanted to drown their post-loss sorrows in a fine wine, but were told it wasn’t available here.
THE I SEE A LITTLE SILHOUETTE OF A CAN OF DR. PEPPER BOWL
“Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen, 1975
vs. “Junk Food Junkie,” Larry Groce, 1976
The #9 operatic ode to murder, nihilism and motherhood matches up with a #9 about empty calories.
Final Score: Rhapsody 55, Junkie 3. There was no escaping the reality of the landslide the Junkies found themselves caught in right from the kickoff. Groce’s team now have no reason to pretend to care about their diets during the day. Good Lord, have pity on them.
Final Score: Rhapsody 55, Junkie 3. There was no escaping the reality of the landslide the Junkies found themselves caught in right from the kickoff. Groce’s team now have no reason to pretend to care about their diets during the day. Good Lord, have pity on them.
THE IN AND OUT OF JAIL BOWL
“Mr. Bojangles,” The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, 1971
vs. “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree,” Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973
A #9 about a night in the drunk tank versus a #1 about being welcomed home from the state pen.
Final Score: Ribbon 14, Bojangles 10. The Dawn patrol had just enough remaining pent-up aggression from their three years of incarceration to overcome the fancy footwork of the Dirt Band, to the cheers of a whole damn busload of their Rotten Ribbon-waving fans.
Final Score: Ribbon 14, Bojangles 10. The Dawn patrol had just enough remaining pent-up aggression from their three years of incarceration to overcome the fancy footwork of the Dirt Band, to the cheers of a whole damn busload of their Rotten Ribbon-waving fans.
THE SHOOT THE GATOR, ASK QUESTIONS LATER BOWL
“The Batle Hymn of Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “Amos Moses,” Jerry Reed, 1971
The #37 defense of an alleged war crime takes on a #9 celebration of a reptile poacher.
Final Score: Calley 42, Moses 13. C Company marched all over Amos and his swamp-strong cohorts, forcing many of them off the field with serious injuries. Some of Calley’s own fans questioned if his team needed to be so brutal to win, but he rebuked them self-righteously, saying that if they weren’t willing to go out on the field with them, they had no right to judge them.
THE DEPENDENCE BOWL
“Patches,” Clarence Carter, 1970
vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
A #4 about a dad who expected a lot from his son meets a #35 about a son who expected a lot from his mom.
Final Score: I.O.U. 24, Patches 13. Fuelled by breakfast sausage and the love of their mothers, the I.O.U.s prevailed. In the end, Carter’s team depended too much on one player, who did all he could in his torn uniform and second-hand equipment, but could only take them so far before he had nothing left.
THE WHAT’S COOKIN’ BOWL
“Swamp Witch,” Jim Stafford, 1973
vs. “MacArthur Park,” Donna Summer, 1979
vs. “Amos Moses,” Jerry Reed, 1971
The #37 defense of an alleged war crime takes on a #9 celebration of a reptile poacher.
Final Score: Calley 42, Moses 13. C Company marched all over Amos and his swamp-strong cohorts, forcing many of them off the field with serious injuries. Some of Calley’s own fans questioned if his team needed to be so brutal to win, but he rebuked them self-righteously, saying that if they weren’t willing to go out on the field with them, they had no right to judge them.
THE DEPENDENCE BOWL
“Patches,” Clarence Carter, 1970
vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
A #4 about a dad who expected a lot from his son meets a #35 about a son who expected a lot from his mom.
Final Score: I.O.U. 24, Patches 13. Fuelled by breakfast sausage and the love of their mothers, the I.O.U.s prevailed. In the end, Carter’s team depended too much on one player, who did all he could in his torn uniform and second-hand equipment, but could only take them so far before he had nothing left.
THE WHAT’S COOKIN’ BOWL
“Swamp Witch,” Jim Stafford, 1973
vs. “MacArthur Park,” Donna Summer, 1979
A #39 about a life-saving brew faces a #1 about reckless baked-good storage.
Final Score: Witch 28, Park 0. The reperesentatives of the Black Bayou won easily, mainly because the Park team were both intimidated by their opponents’ reputation and depressed by the rainy game-day conditions. They didn’t think that they could take it, and they pretty much melted.
Another round ends. When we come back to this, we’ll be down to the last 32. But before then, we’re headed back to Britain, Join us next time.
Final Score: Witch 28, Park 0. The reperesentatives of the Black Bayou won easily, mainly because the Park team were both intimidated by their opponents’ reputation and depressed by the rainy game-day conditions. They didn’t think that they could take it, and they pretty much melted.
Another round ends. When we come back to this, we’ll be down to the last 32. But before then, we’re headed back to Britain, Join us next time.
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