And now we start the third round. As the field thins out, the competition gets tougher. All the borderliners are gone, leaving only true standouts. Let’s see who keeps going.
THE PEACE BOWL
“One Tin Soldier,” Coven, 1971
vs. “What the World Needs Now is Love/Abraham, Martin and John,” Tom Clay, 1971
The #26 condemnation of greed versus the #8 suggestion that youth will bring hope to a chaotic world.
Final Score: World 21, Soldier 9. This time, Billy Jack came in for the Coven crew when they got down early, but he found himself not wanting to attack his young opponents but rather join in their noble cause. The Tin Men were sent back to their valley empty handed.
THE UNFAIRNESS BOWL
“Hurricane,” Bob Dylan, 1975
vs. “The Killing of Georgie,” Rod Stewart, 1977
A #33 about racial bias in the justice system faces a #30 about a man trying to overcome homophobia.
Final Score: Hurricane 38, Georgie 17. Dylan’s team were simply more athletic, but the thing that stuck with the spectators was how respectful the teams were toward each other, even when the officials weren’t so fair to them. The teams shook hands afterwards, and the losing side promised to have the Hurricanes’ back if the refs tried to cheat them in the future.
THE DIVIDED STATES OF AMERICA BOWL
“Convention ‘72,” The Delegates, 1972
vs. “Uneasy Rider,” Charlie Daniels, 1972
A #8 look at the differences between American political ideologies on the political level takes on a #9 tale about how those divisions played out among ordinary people
Final Score: Convention 41, Rider 24. The Riders had gotten through on their ability to think on their feet and come up with trick plays, but they came up against a team that was even better at manipulation than they were. They had even made a big move before the game by convincing a Delegate defensive back named McGovern to switch teams, but it backfired when he was burned several times by the Convention’s star receiver, a Mr. Nixon. Thus, Charlie’s boys make an earlier-than-expected exit from the event they named.
THE HEAR THEM ROAR BOWL
“I Am Woman,” Helen Reddy, 1972
vs. “The Americans,” Byron MacGregor, 1974
The #1 declaration of female liberation takes on a #4 defence of American exceptionalism.
Final Score: Americans 42, Woman 21. MacGregor continued his strategy of creating offense with strong, persistent defense. Reddy had her team, um, ready, but it turned out they weren’t invincible after all. But no one can say they weren’t strong enough to be in this tournament.
THE FLAIR FOR SURVIVAL BOWL
“Also Sprach Zarathustra,” Deodato, 1972
vs. “Dueling Banjos,” Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandell, 1973
A #2 version of a piece popularized by a movie about space matches up with a #2 made famous by a film about nature, human and otherwise.
Final Score: Banjos 30, Zarathustra 21. The Banjos were led by four players who were capable of moving forward at all costs, regardless of what horrific obstacles were placed in front of them. Yes, Ric Flair did his best to style and profile for the Zarathustras, but in the end, he was at the mercy of a team that taught him what it really means to be a “nature boy.”
THE CINEMA CONCESSION BOWL
“Popcorn,” Hot Butter, 1972
vs. “Tubular Bells,” Mike Oldfield, 1974
The #9 snack preparation simulation meets a #7 instrumental from a scary movie
Final Score: Bells 20, Popcorn 19. The Butter boys were well-prepared for the onslaught of mysterious plays their opponent would execute, countering them with a game plan created with state-of-the-art technology. The Bells seemed on the verge of going down, but in the end, the Popcorn team choked. Literally. They were okay after the game, but visibly shaken players warned that future Tubular opponents might want to consider seeking divine intervention.
THE COMPANY JUMPS TO THE MACHINE GUN BOWL
“Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy,” Bette Midler, 1973
vs. “Get Dancin’,” Disco Tex and His Sex-O-Lettes, 1975
Bette’s #9 throwback to wartime swing versus Tex’s #10 call for dancing to a more modern beat.
Final Score: Boogie 42, Dancin’ 7. Again, the Buglers’ combination of jazzy improvisation and combat readiness won the day, dominating the looser, less-structured Sex-O-Lettes. However, losing coach Disco Tex has a lot to say afterward, and reports are that his postgame press conference is still going on days after the last reporter left.
THE WHAT GOOD’S A METRONOME WHEN THE CALLIOPE CRASHES TO THE GROUND BOWL
“Gimme Dat Ding,” The Pipkins, 1970
vs. “Blinded by the Light,” Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, 1977
A #9 bit of strangely-sung nonsense faces a #1 epic that cryptically describes Bruce Springsteen’s youth.
Final Score: Light 49, Ding 31. A strange game. Both sides ran a lot of plays that seemed nonsensical but somehow worked. The difference was that the Earth Band had more such plays, designed by a man known as “The Boss.” The Pipkins will have to find some other ding, because they will not be given the OMUSURT trophy.
THE AMERICAN CARNAGE BOWL
“D.O.A.,” Bloodrock, 1971
vs. “The Night Chicago Died,” Paper Lace, 1974
A #36 first-person depiction of a violent death takes on a #1 fictionalization of a mob war.
Final Score: D.O.A 35, Chicago 10. The Bloodrockers went to extremes to unnerve their hardened opponents, and it worked. It didn’t help that sirens sounded on multiple occasions during the fame, which caused some members of the Paper Lace gang to flee the field until the coast was clear
THE MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE BOWL
“Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
vs. “Angie Baby,” Helen Reddy, 1974
A #17 about a miner who doesn’t make it out of a collapse battles a #1 about a boy who doesn’t make it out of a girl’s bedroom.
Final Score: Timothy 63 Angie 56. A high-scoring affair, which set records for offensive yardage. The Buoys devoured it in large chunks, while Helen’s team seemed to mesmerize the defense into steadily ceding ground. In the end, it was the survival instinct that gave the Timothy team the strength to go on. Angie and company, howeve, seemed quite content to return home and withdraw from the world once mor.
THE FATHER AND SON BOWL
“Superstar,” Murray Head, 1970
vs. “The Lord’s Prayer,” Sister Janet Mead, 1974
A #14 about Jesus’ resurrection versus a #4 request for the blessings of the Lord.
Final Score: The Lord’s Prayer advances as a result of their opponents being disqualified. In a strange twist, it was announced the day before the game that the Superstars were being investigated for some of the seemingly miraculous plays they’d made in their first two games. Though there was no evidence of any kind that Jesus’ team had cheated in any way, the team’s coach and captain was less than equivocal in His denials, and therefore it was decided that they would be sent back from whence they came. They left the hearing silently, and as they left, they released a statement which read simply “It is finished.” They weren’t seen for three days, but then they suddenly appeared in the stadium, scrimmaging with the Prayer team. They gave no account of where they’d been, but they did announce that they were throwing all their support behind the Lord and his followers,
THE YOU’LL NEVER GET TO HEAVEN BOWL
“(Don’t Worry) If There’s a Hell Below, We’re All Going to Go,” Curtis Mayfield, 1970
vs. “Gotta Serve Somebody,” Bob Dylan, 1979
A #29 about the dark side of the afterlife meets a #24 about choosing whether or not to go there.
Final Score: Serve 27, Hell 24. A very close and tense game, with both teams seeming to be very concerned about the consequences of losing. In the end, it was one decision made by each team that kept Dylan moving up and sent Mayfield down. But the Hell team seemed resigned to their fAte, and reminded us that in the end, we all lose eventually.
THE GONNA GO ALL THE WAY TONIGHT BOWL
“The Bertha Butt Boogie,” The Jimmy Castor Bunch, 1975
vs. “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” Meat Loaf, 1978
A #16 about shaking booty meets a #39 about a booty call.
Final Score: Light 28, Butt 14. The Castor Bunch put all they had into it, but the Meat squad would not be denied from reaching their goal. They took chances, and team ownership reportedly made an extravagant promise to the players if they won. But can they go on like this forever, or will their time come to an end somewhere down the road.
THE LAST CALL AWARD
“Spill the Wine,” Eric Burdon and War, 1970
vs. “Telephone Man,” Meri Wilson, 1977
A #3 about a dream involving sex and alcohol faces a #16 about a requisition for equipment installation.
Final Score: Telephone 9, Wine 6. The dream ends for the War Party. As the score indicates, both teams were all about getting their kicks, but in the end, Wilson’s warriors were a bit more active about it, and that allowed them to dial up a victory.
THE HUSTLING UP NORTH AND DOWN SOUTH BOWL
“Walk on the Wild Side,” Lou Reed, 1973
vs. “Lady Marmalade,” Labelle, 1975
A #16 about New York underground culture takes on a #1 about the oldest profession in old New Orleans.
Final Score: Walk 16, Marmalade 13 (OT) Both teams could get wild and unpredictable, making for a sloppy but exciting contest, In the end, it was Reed’s team’s ability to go go go just a little longer that won in the end. But the crazed, almost primal energy of the Marmalade pros won’t be forgotten by anyone who experienced it.
THE SMACK BOWL
“King Heroin,” James Brown, 1972
vs. “Earache my Eye featuring Alice Bowie,” Cheech and Chong, 1974
A #40 about a destructive addiction meets a #9 about corporal punishment.
Final Score: Heroin 56, Earache 3. The Cheech and Chong contingent thought they could keep winning with their unusual style and bratty attitude, but their juvenile antics were put to shame by the horrific scenarios James’ team confronted them with. By the end, Alice and the rest of the team were not only utterly defeated, but they had vowed to change their ways and be resectable, conservative members of society.
The second half of the first round should produce more drama, but before we encounter that, we’ll be going back to Canada. See you soon.
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