The third group of 32 songs in our little tournament. There are a couple of different themes here that you might be able to pick up. And this is probably the most competitive group so far.
THE END BOWL
“D.O.A.,” Bloodrock, 1971
vs. “Don’t Fear The Reaper,” Blue Oyster Cult, 1976
Two songs about death. First, Texas hard rockers Bloodrock went to #36 with a power ballad sung from the point of view of a man dying from injuries suffered in a plane crash. Five years later, Long Island’s Blue Ouster Cult reached #12 with a song sung from the point of view of Death itself, reassuring the souls he takes that there is nothing to be afraid of from him.
Final Score: D.O.A. 55, Reaper 40. No pun intended, but this was a fight to the finish. But in the end, Bloodrock’s willingness to go all in with an ambulance siren and gruesomely evocative lyrics prevailed over the Cult’s almost romantic approach.
THE DEAD MEN HAD NAMES BOWL
“Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
vs. “Freddie’s Dead,” Curtis Mayfield, 1972
A pair of songs about men who died tragically. First, Pennsylvania’s Buoys got to number 17 with a song about three miners who were trapped together in a shaft. Only two, however, are found by rescuers, while the third has disappeared without a trace. Wonder how that happened? The next year, Chicago soul star Mayfield with a lament for a man who got swallowed by the streets and drugs and met an untimely end.
Final Score: Timothy 49, Freddie 10. Curtis’ team got off to a hot start. Then, the Buoys called a timeout and huddled up on the sideline. When they came back on the field, they were one player short, and the rest of the team were wiping their mouths. Rumours began to circulate throughout the stadium about what had happened, eventually reaching the field. Suddenly, the Mayfield boys didn’t seem to have the stomach for this contest. The Buoys just seemed to be the hungrier team on this day.
THE DON’T TAKE YOUR GUNS TO TOWN BOWL
“I Shot the Sheriff,” Eric Clapton, 1974
vs. “Saturday Night Special,” Lynyrd Skynyrd, 1975
A couple songs about murder with firearms. The man they call Slowhand went to #1 with a cover of Bob Marley’s tale of killing a law enforcement officer in self-defence. The next year, everyone’s favourite vowel-averse Southern rockers got to #27 with a rocker about how cheap handguns lead to impulsive acts of violence that are regrettable and unnecessary.
Final Score: Special 38, Sheriff 22. Yes, getting a song about murdering the police major airplay more than a decade before gangsta rap became a thing was pretty extraordinary. But it couldn’t compete with the element of surprise that comes from a group of proud Southern boys advocating for handgun control. No one saw that coming. It was a truly special victory for the Skynyrds.
THE MURDER IS A STATE OF MIND BOWL
“Indiana Wants Me,” R. Dean Taylor, 1970
vs. “ The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia,” Vicki Lawrence, 1973
Two hits about crimes of passion and the people who commit them. First, Canadian Taylor, who mainly made his living as a Motown staff songwriter, went to #5 with a song about a man running from the law after killing a man who insulted his wife. Three years later, Lawrence, best known as a comic actress on The Carol Burnett Show, went to #1 with a tale of a man falsely executed for
murdering his wife’s lover when in fact the murder, and that nof his “missing” wife, was committed by his sister, who “don’t miss when she aims her gun.”
Final Score: Indiana 24, Georgia 21. A close one, but Taylor won it with a daring run to the end zone when the game was on the line, while Lawrence just stood there and watched it happen instead of doing something to stop it. Then the stadium went dark, and Taylor’s team disappeared. We hope they’ll make it to play their next game.
THE DAMN, YOU’RE NOT IN A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW BOWL
“Alone Again (Naturally),” Gilbert O’Sullivan, 1972
vs. “Seasons in the Sun,” Terry Jacks, 1974
Two of the most depressing Number Ones ever. First, Irishman O’Sullivan turned the trick with about a man on his way to commit suicide, having lost faith in God after being stood up at his wedding and having both his parents die. Then, Canadian Jacks got to the top with a song where he portrays a dying man saying very maudlin goodbyes to friends and family.
Final Score: Gilbert 7, Terry 0. This was a sad display. No one was motivated to do anything. The game seemed like it would be a never ending scoreless stalemate until someone told Gilbert that the end zone was electrified and stepping into it would end his misery. He was suddenly determined to get there, and he managed to forlornly shuffle his way in just as the final gun sounded. To his dismay, he was still alive after the game, and is now forced to go through this misery at least one more time. With his last breath, Jacks laughed bitterly.
THE IF I CAN’T HAVE HIM, NO ONE CAN BOWL
“Dark Lady,” Cher, 1974
vs. “Angie Baby,” Helen Reddy, 1974
Two more charttoppers, these about women who trap men into horrible fates. First, Cher visits a fortune teller and learns that her man is being unfaithful, then learns that the fortune teller herself is the other woman. Naturally, she shoots them dead on the spot. Then, Reddy tells of a girl who has an active fantasy life built around songs she hears on the radio. One day, a neighbor boy comes over to her house with impure intentions, but Angie somehow traps him and...kills him? Kidnaps him and makes him her sex slave? Does the boy even exist? It’s not clear.
Final Score: Helen 3, Cher 0 (forfeit). A bizarre situation. The Cher team seemed to be thrown when they were approached by a psychic, who told them not to bother showing up to the game. Despite this, they took the field, but as they did, some strange music came blaring over the PA. Then it slowly got quieter and quieter, and then Cher and her team seemed to vanish into thin air. Helen then led her team out, and they all stood around confused for a while, wondering where their opponents went. A search was conducted, and attempts at contact were made, but after an hour, Angie Baby was declared the walkover winner. The whereabouts of Cher and company remain a mystery, and officials have announced that there will be enchanted security measures at the next Angie Baby game, with special attention given to limiting access to the public address system.
THE SEX=DEATH BOWL
“Judy Mae,” Boomer Castleman, 1975
vs. “ Run Joey Run,” David Geddes, 1975
Two songs about sexual encounters that lead to tragedy. First, Texan Castleman went to #33 with a country-folk tune about a teen boy who is seduced by his father’s new young wife, only to have his dad catch them together and drive off in a distraught state, causing a fatal accident. That same year, Michigander Geddes had a #4 with a song about a teenager whose girlfriend is abused by her father after he finds out she’s pregnant. He comes to her aid, but her father attempts to shoot him, but Julie, the girlfriend, takes the bullet and dies.
Final Score: Joey 56, Judy 6. A dominant performance by the Geddes team. Boomer tried to just be subtle and quiet and hoped to stay close until a big finish, but with constant, overwhelming melodrama, Joey ran all over them.
THE WE MIGHT AS WELL COME OVER THERE OURSELVES BOWL
“Billy, Don’t Be a Hero,” Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods
vs. “The Night Chicago Died,” Paper Lace, 1974
Two historical tales that were both hits at home for Britain’s Paper Lace, but only one of them succeeded in its original form in the U.S. First, Cincinnati’s Donaldson and company took the Lace’s U.K. charttopper about a young man who volunteers for a war and dies risking his life despite his fiancee’s explicit instructions to the contrary to #1 themselves. Paper Lace decided not to make that same mistake with their next single, a story about a Chicago policeman who survives the Prohibition-era war between the cops and Al Capone’s gang, and they were rewarded with an American Number One of their own.
Final Score: Chicago 45, Billy 24. Billy’s heroics were no match for the combined firepower of he Paper Lace original. He was carried off the field after a noble effort, while his opponents sang “Nanana, nanana, nana na na na, na na.” But brother, what a fight it really was.
THE HOW SWEET THE SOUND BOWL
“Amazing Grace,” Judy Collins, 1970
vs. “Amazing Grace,” The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards, 1972
Two hit versions of the 1779 hymn by English clergyman John Newton. First, folk singer Collins reached #15 with a minimalist sung version. Two years later, a Scottish military band got to #11 with a bagpipe-heavy instrumental take.
Final Score: Scots 21, Collins 15. It was a numbers game. Judy tried to do too much on her own, but got conquered in the end by Scottish teamwork.
THE JESUS FREAKS OUT IN THE STREETS BOWL
“Superstar,” Murray Head, 1970
vs. “Day by Day,” Godspell, 1972
Two hits from stage musicals that retold the story of the Christian messiah. First, British singer Head took the showpiece song from Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar to number 14. Two years later, the cast of an off-Broadway music based on many of Jesus’ parables got one place higher with a simple prayer for a better relationship with God.
Final Score: Superstar 47, Day 3. The flashier plays designed by coach Webber made the Godspell crew look like a ragtag bunch of clowns and misfits.
THE HEY, GOD’S STILL COOL BOWL
“Put Your Hand in the Hand,” Ocean, 1971
vs. “Jesus is Just Alright,” The Doobie Brothers, 1972
Two more modern songs about Christianity. First, a Toronto band got to #2 with a bit of pop evangelism that bears some sonic similarities to fellow Canucks The Band. A year later, San Jose’s Doobies made it to #35 with a rock tune about what a groovy dude the Son of Man is.
Final Score: Doobies 6, Ocean 0. These two teams were too mellow to do much competing. The Ocean team never even touched the ball, choosing to put their hands elsewhere. The Doobies didn’t do much either, but they actually said the name of who they were singing about, and that was worth a couple field goals.
THE STRAIGHT OUTTA THE BIBLE BOWL
“The Lord’s Prayer,” Sister Janet Mead, 1974
vs, “Rivers of Babylon,” Boney M, 1978
Two hits that contain lyrics drawn from the Good Book itself. First, Australian nun Mead got to #4 with a pop/rock song version of the prayer Jesus taught during the Sermon on the Mount. Then, a German disco group made it to #30 with a tune that takes its words from Psalms 19 and 133
Final Score: Prayer 59, Babylon 13. The game started with some controversy, as the players on the Boney M team did not be the same ones pictured in the game program. But the match was allowed to proceed, and Sister Janet’s squad were in control from the start. Every play they ran seemed to have the desired outcome, as if there was some sort of divine intervention. After the game, the defeated team sat down and wept, then left the stadium saying the words “Remember Zion.” So the Aussie team moves on without even having to call their famous Hail Mary play.
THE JEWS FOR JESUS BOWL
“Spirit in the Sky,” Norman Greenbaum, 1970
vs. “Gotta Serve Somebody,” Bob Dylan, 1979
In the 70s, even people born into the Jewish faith found it prudent to sing about Jesus of Nazareth. First, Massachusetts native Greenbaum got to #3 by boasting of how his friendship with Christ will set him up for an eternal reward. At the other end of the decade, the man born Robert Zimmerman reached #24 with a number declaring that no matter who you are, you will ultimately have to choose between good and evil and their respective embodiments.
Final Score: Dylan 14, Greenbaum 13. Bob wins right at the end with an improbable score followed by a dramatic conversion.
THE SATAN’S WAITIN’ BOWL
“(Don’t Worry) If There’s a Hell Below We’re All Going to Go,” Curtis Mayfield, 1970
vs. “Devil’s Gun,” C.J. and Company, 1977
Two songs that make reference to the dark side of the afterlife. First, Curtis returns with a funky warning that people from every race and walk of life are in danger of damnation if they keep mistreating one another, which he took to #29. Seven years later, a Detroit disco group compared the ever-present threat of hellfire to having a firearm constantly pointed at you, and in doing so made it to #36.
Final Score: Curtis 49, C.J. 28. Both songs made impressive attempts to take their opponent down, but the frank and foreboding execution of Mayfield’s bunch eventually convinced their opposition that all was lost. I would suggest that whoever they face in the next round should indeed worry.
THE I WANT A DIRECT LINE TO THE MAN IN CHARGE BOWL
“Speak to the Sky,” Rick Springfield, 1972
vs. “Operator,” The Manhattan Transfer, 1975
Two hits about talking to God. Aussie Springfield made his first chart impression when he reached #14 with a jazzy tune recommending regular conversations with The Man Upstairs. Three years later, a New York vocal with a gospelish number about trying to reach Jesus by telephone.
Final Score: Operator 20, Sky 10. The Manhattanites just played with more passion. Afterwards, Springfield decided to turn his head earthward, in the direction of a woman who happened to be in a relationship with one of his friends. Wonder how that worked out?
THE NO, I DON’T CALL MYSELF A “KRISTIAN” BOWL
“Why Me, Lord,” Kris Kristofferson, 1973
vs, “One Day at a Time,” Marilyn Sellars, 1974
A couple of songs about Jesus written by prolific songwriter Kristofferson. First, he went to #16 with his own recording of a sinner’s plea for forgiveness and redemption. Then, Minnesota singer Sellars got to #37 by asking the Lord’s help to get through the daily trials of life,
Final Score: Marilyn 10, Kris 7 (OT): There wasn’t much between these two, who employed remarkably similar strategies. In the end, Sellars was just a little bolder, going for the win with a long field goal and willing it to get through the goalposts, one yard at a time.
Friday, April 20, 2018
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 April 13, 1974 Part Two
The end of it.
20 - “Remember You’re a Womble,” The WomblesMore from the puppet creatures. This one’s about appreciating who you are. Kind of a mix between glam and Merseybeat, with a little country thrown in. The better of the two Wombling entries on this chart.
19 - “Candle in the Wind,” Elton John
The original Marilyn-centric version. Sometimes you forget how good it really is.
18 - “The Golden Age of Rock ‘n Roll,” Mott the Hoople
Mott’s last Top 20 was this tune declaring that rock was never better than it was at that moment. Not the usual take, and they do a good job convincing me on this.
17 - “Rock Around the Clock,” Bill Haley and His Comets
The Happy Days-inspired reissue of the rock launcher. Still important, still fun.
16 - “School Love,” Barry Blue
Mr. Blue’s third hit was retro-glam about childhood romance. The sincerity and the catchiness sell it.
15 - “I’m Gonna Knock on Your Door,” Little Jimmy Osmond
The third and final U.K. hit for the young Mormon was this cover of a 1961 Eddie Hodges hit about threatening to cause a ruckus if a girl doesn’t come out to kiss him. Cute then, a little creepy now.
14 - “Doctor’s Orders,” Sunny
Heather “Sunny” Wheatman had been a prolific session sister as part of the duo “Sunny and Sue” with sister Yvonne. But it wasn’t until striking out on her own that she would have a major hit with this pop prescription for sexual healing. It’s the same song that Carol Douglas would take to #1 in Canada the next year. Carol was more convincing. This is mildly seductive.
13 - “Jambalaya,” Carpenters
Richard and Karen covered Hank Williams’ 1952 tune about good times on the Louisiana Bayou. They’re having fun, and that makes it better than you’d think. But it is odd to think of these two drinking liquor out of Mason jars.
12 - “I Get a Little Sentimental Over You,” The New Seekers
The sixth and final Top Five for the bunch that taught the world to sing was this showy old-pop number about pining for an ex. They show more spunk here than a lot of others do in this genre.
11 - “Long Live Love,” Olivia Newton-John
As I mentioned at the start of Part One, England hosted this year’s Eurovision, and “Waterloo” won. The home team was represented by ONJ singing this marchy number about people being happy and united and loving each other while singing along with “The Sally Annie band.” It’s positive nonsense, elevate a bit by Olivia’s raw talent. But I can’t say it deserved better than the three-way tie for fourth place it managed.
Top Ten to London, non-stop.
10 - “Seven Seas of Rhye,” Queen
The rock royals got their first hit with this mini epic on which Freddie portrays a world-conquering man of action and intrigue. He never really stopped playing that role, did he? And thank God for that.
9 - “The Most Beautiful Girl,” Charlie Rich
The Silver Fox missed a Triple Crown by one place here. He deserved better. Especially when you see the likes of what actually did top this chart.
8 - “The Cat Crept In,” Mud
The Surrey glammers got their third Top Five with this song about a lady whose sudden appearances and disappearances cause commotions among menfolk. If you’re looking for archetypal glam rock, you couldn’t do much better.
7 - “You Are Everything,” Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye
The original Stylistics classic did not chart here in ‘71, but Diana and Marvin brought it over and got a Top Five out of it. They bring their own specialnesses to it, making it its own fantastic soul sensation.
6 - “Emma,” Hot Chocolate
Their first Top Five was this rock melodrama about a woman destroyed by her failed dreams of stardom. It’s probably the best thing they ever did, all things considered.
5 - “Angel Face,” The Glitter Band
Yes, this band was originally formed to back up the infamous Gary, but they would manage a string of hits on their own, beginning with this strutting tribute to a lady’s otherworldly beauty. I love this, and as a bonus, there’s no unsavoury aftertaste.
4 - “Everyday,” Slade
The glam kings’ tenth straight Top Ten saw them try a love ballad about affirming love in spite of long periods of separation. It’s a nice listen, though there are hints that the singer doesn’t see faithfulness as a two-way street, and that’s troubling.
3 - “Remember Me This Way,” Gary Glitter
The creep is back, and this time there’s no inner conflict, because the song is an objectively terrible attempt at an Elvis-style ballad. As yucky as the man himself.
2 - “Billy Don’t Be a Hero,” Paper Lace
The original version, which these guys took to the top here before Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods would do the same in the States. This is the better one. It conveys the drama of the situation better, and actually has a woman pleading to Billy to stay out of the fray. I’m glad the Lacers did get their own American charttopper with “The Night Chicago Died,” but they really should have had two.
1 - “Seasons in the Sun,” Terry Jacks
I cannot overemphasize how horrible this is. It’s sad, but the kind of sad that makes you apathetic instead of empathetic. I didn’t even listen to it again for this. I couldn’t put myself through it. This has to be the worst Triple Crown winner ever.
Another one down. Next time: more tournament action! See you soon.
Friday, April 13, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 April 13, 1974 Part One
Spring 1974. This month, Britain hosted the Eurovision Song Contest, which was won by Swedish upstarts ABBA with “Waterloo.” Whatever happened to them? Certainly they never did anything as well-remembered as the following:
40 - "He's Misstra Know-It-All," Stevie Wonder
40 - "He's Misstra Know-It-All," Stevie Wonder
Stevie’s seventh Top Ten here was this funk-pop tribute to a slick con artist. This one wasn’t as explicitly about Nixon as follow-up “You Haven’t Done Nothin’,” but come on, Tricky Dick has to be “the man with a plan with a counterfeit dollar in his hand.”
39 - "Year of Decision," The Three Degrees
The Philly trio’s first U.K. hut was this funky call to their fellow African-Americans to take charge of their lives, because “people have died to set you free.” The more I hear from them, the more I know I was right about their greatness just from hearing “When Will I See You Again.”
38 - "Ma, He's Making Eyes at Me," Lena Zavaroni
This daughter of a couple who ran a chip shop in the small Scottish town of Rothesay became famous at the age of ten with her appearances on the talent show Opportunity Knocks. She subsequently released this cover of a 1921 song about being aggressively romantically pursued. Perhaps now that would not fly given her age, but at the time all the focus was on her big, boisterous voice, which got her some attention in America, including an appearance on The Tonight Show. But she failed to break the U.S., and although she would later host some variety shows, she didn’t have much more chart success, and she would suffer through mental health issues and personal tragedies until her untimely death in 1999. Another casualty of child stardom, sadly.
37 - "Jealous Mind," Alvin Stardust
The first Stardust single actually performed by Bernard Jewry was this glamabilly tune that sounded quite similar to its predecessor. And it became his only #1. That seems fair and proper.
36 - "Long-Legged Woman Dressed in Black," Mungo Jerry
The chaos from Colpington had their last hit of the decade with this old-school rocker about being constantly rejected by the titular lady. Maybe she didn’t like the penchant for impaired driving they revealed in “In the Summertime.”
35 - "The Entertainer," Marvin Hamlisch
Didn’t we just see this guy? Oh well, I am still entertained.
34 - "Listen to the Music," The Doobie Brothers
The Doobs’ first hit here. Still okay, let it play.
33 - "Remember," The Bay City Rollers
The tartan-clad boy band had their second Brit hit with this tune about nostalgia and young love. Shimmy shammy shong, indeed.
32 - "The Way We Were," Barbra Streisand
The Can-Am charttopper was held to #31 here. Triple Crown denied, with authority!
31 - "The Sting," The Ragtimers
I can’t figure out who these guys were, but their take on “The Entertainer” swings harder than Hamlisch. I like it a lot.
I can’t figure out who these guys were, but their take on “The Entertainer” swings harder than Hamlisch. I like it a lot.
30 - "Ma-Ma-Ma-Belle," Electric Light Orchestra
ELO’s fourth hit was this lusty rocker that has nothing to do with the phone company. And T. Rex’s Marc Bolan played guitar on it, and you can somehow hear him provide that extra oomph.
29 - "I Know What I Like (In Your Wardrobe)," Genesis
Their first Top 40 (and the only one they’d have with Peter Gabriel) was this tale of a groundskeeper at a fancy country house who is more content with his station in life than the people around him think he should be. It would have been interesting to see how they would have evolved if Pete had stayed around. I think I’d have liked it.
28 - "It's You," Freddie Starr
Before he became a comedian famous enough to make news for allegedly eating a hamster, Starr was a member of a lesser Liverpool beat group, and after he broke through as a comic he managed a hit with this maudlin ballad about losing a lover. As nauseating as Bobby Goldsboro’s “Honey,” and his voice sounds like Terry Jacks. Puketastic.
27 - "Jet," Wings
Macca’s fifth Top Ten with his other band was this fun rocker inspired by his black Labrador. I don’t think the dog tried to get her fellow canines the vote, though.
26 - "Wombling Song," The Wombles
A “Womble” is a fictional furry creature who cleans up the litter left behind by humans and repurposes it for his own use. They first appeared in children’s books in the 60s, then were brought to television as puppets first, and from there they were made into a music act. They had several hits, the firsr being the theme to their TV series. Jaunty kiddie pop about picking up trash with someone named “Uncle Bulgaria.” Yeah, that’s an Uneasy Rider.
25 - "You're Sixteen," Ringo Starr
Ringo does an oldie. It’s a big hit. Wouldn’t fly today.
24 - "The Air That I Breathe," The Hollies
Their last first-release Top Ten. A romantic masterpiece.
23 - "A Walkin' Miracle," Limmie and Family Cookin'
The third and final hit by these Ohioans was this cover of a 1963 hit by The Essex about an extraordinary man. Hardly miraculous.
22 - "Homely Girl," The Chi-Lites
A Top Five from this Chicago group about how they were in love with a girl back when she was an unattractive child, and is now reminding her of that now that she’s a beautiful girl with her pick of suitors. Not sure about the sexual politics of this now, but I don’t think anything sinister was intended at the time.
21 - "Everlasting Love," Robert Knight
Yes, this song again, this time in its original 1967 form, which was re-released here around the time that Carl Carlton’s cover was hitting in the States. And yes, this is the best version.
In Part Two: remakes, future remake subjects, and a song that out-nauseates Freddie Starr.
Yes, this song again, this time in its original 1967 form, which was re-released here around the time that Carl Carlton’s cover was hitting in the States. And yes, this is the best version.
In Part Two: remakes, future remake subjects, and a song that out-nauseates Freddie Starr.
Sunday, April 8, 2018
The Old Man's Ultimate Grand Championship Uneasy Rider Tournament: Round 1, Part 2
Another set of battles between 70s Top 40 hits that stood apart for one reason or another. Bring on the bowls!
THE CLASSICAL HAPPINESS BOWL
"A Song of Joy," Miguel Rios, 1970
vs. "Joy," Apollo 100, 1972
A couple updates of famous classical pieces. First, Spaniard Rios, who is credited as being his country's first rock star, adds his own lyrics to anot elaborate production of the "Ode to Joy" portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. It reached #14. Then, British instrumentalists Apollo 100 did an electric version of J.S. Bach's "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring," that got to #6
Final Score: Apollo 7, Rios 6. Close but uneventful. The Bach one just sounds a little more interesting. Plus ithe was used in the film Boogie Nights, and they do say football is a game of inches...
THE SOUND OF THE FUTURE THEN BOWL
"Popcorn," Hot Butter, 1972
vs. "Autobahn," Kraftwerk, 1975
Two early examples of electronic music. First, New York jazz musician Stan Free and his group used a Moog synthesizer to create a track that uses beeps to simulate the popping of corn. It hit #9. Three years later, a band from Dusseldorf, Germany took advantage of advancements in technology to create a piece evocative of driving fast on a German highway. A three-minute edit of the original 22 minute piece reached #25.
Final Score: Popcorn 28, Autobahn 20: In this contest, minimalism wins. "Autobahn" was and is unique, but it has always sounded like, you know, a
song. "Popcorn," on the other hand, always sounded like something that didn't take much effort. You can probably make more sophisticated music these days with a phone app. Besides, what do Germans know about American football?
THE THIS IS GREAT, BUT HOW DO WE MAKE IT SPEAK TO THE KIDS BOWL
"Also Sprach Zarathustra (2001)," Deodato, 1973
vs. "A Fifth of Beethoven," Walter Murphy, 1976
A couple more classical updates, First, Brazilian Eumir Deodato got to #2 with a jazz-funk take on a piece that Richard Strauss was inspired to write in 1896 by the writings of philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, and was later popularized by the 1968 film 2001: A Space Odyssey. Then, New York musician Murphy did a disco version of Beethoven's iconic Fifth Symphony, going all the way to #1.
Final Score: Deodato 44, Murphy 37. A back-and-fort, high-scoring contest, decided late into the game when the Zarathustras bring on their secret weapon: none other than the Nature Boy, Ric Flair. He's taken on more fifths in bars from one end of this world to the other than you can imagine. He struts down that field, styling and profiling all the way into the end zone for the winning TD. Woooooooo!
THE POLISH PRINCE BOWL
"My Melody of Love," Bobby Vinton, 1974
vs. "Beer Barrel Polka," Bobby Vinton, 1975
In the mid-70s, sixties crooner Vinton squeezed out two more hits by embracing his Polish heritage. First, he took a German hit, translated it into English and Polish, and got to #3. He followed it up with by covering an actual polka standard that dates back to 1927. This hit #33
Final Score: Beer 33, Love 3. Yeah, a waltzy tune with foreign choruses was kind of strange, but getting genuine Polka on pop radio meant that "Melody of Love" gets Barrelled over.
THE WHY SHOULDN'T THIS SONG HAVE A DISCO VERSION BOWL
"Baby Face," Wing and a Prayer Fife and Drum Corps, 1975
vs. "Chattanooga Choo Choo," Tuxedo Junction, 1978
Jazz age disco battle! First, an anonymous studio group put all the touches of the time on a 1926 tune about cuteness, reaching #14. Then, a different anonymous group brought a 1941 Glenn Miller tune about a Tennessee train to the dance floor, and to #32 in the charts.
Final Score: Chattanooga 29, Baby 13. The Junction picked a more interesting song, and put more effort in. A wing and a prayer wasn't enough to start anything.
THE LET'S MAKE IT SOUND JUST LIKE IT DID BACK THEN BOWL
"Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy," Bette Midler, 1973
vs. "The Entertainer," Marvin Hamlisch, 1974
A pair of faithful anachronisms. First, the Divine Miss M scored a #8 by mimicking The Andrews Sisters on the tale of a jazz horn player who was finds his niche in the military, which they introduced in the Abbott and Costello filmy Buck Privates. A year later, composer and arranger Hamlisch reached #3 with a straight up version of a Scott Joplin rag, which he recreated for the 1973 film The Sting.
Final Score: Boogie 28, Entertainer 27. Excruciatingly close. Neither of these seemed like surefire pop smashes at the time. In the end, Bette's company jumped when the bugle boy and his band played one more "Reveille," allowing them to end up on top.
HE PLUCK AND CLUCK BOWL
"Duelling Banjos," Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandell, 1973
vs. "In the Mood," Henhouse Five Plus Too, 1977
A couple of interesting songs without words. First, Weissberg and Mandell went to #2 with their string duet from the movie Deliverance. Four years later, novelty artist Stevens slipped into the #40 spot by mimicking a chicken to the tune of one of Glenn Miller's best-known numbers.
Final Score: Banjos 28, Mood 14. A close contest for most of the way, but in the fourth quarter the Banjos team overpowered the opposition and made the chickens squeal like pigs.
THE CRANK UP THE COVERS BOWL
"House of the Rising Sun," Frijid Pink, 1970
vs. "Summertime Blues," The Who, 1970
Two hard rock bands made oldies louder. First, Detroit's Frijid Pink got to #7 with a cover of a folk-derived blues song popularized by The Animals in 1964. Later that year, The Who got to #27 with a live, powerful cover of Eddie Cochrane's 1958 teenage lament.
Final Score: Who 38, Pink 10. The Who just blew the competition away with their decibels. Watching the action was a cheer section. A Blue Cheer section, in fact, taking notes of the fact that distorting songs like this was their idea, which they introduced on a cover of, well whaddaya know, "Summertime Blues."
THE SGT. PEPPER OR PET SOUNDS BOWL
"Mr. Blue Sky, " Electric Light Orchestra, 1978
vs, "Tusk," Fleetwood Mac, 1979
A couple songs that evoke iconic albums by the Beatles and Beach Boys, respectively. First, ELO got to #35 with an elaborate production evoking sunshine and happiness that sounds like an extension of the middle section of the Fabs' "A Day in the Life." Then, at the end of the decade, the Mac picked up a #8 with their own big sounding opus, which featured some interesting harmonies, found sounds, and even the University of Southern California marching band, showing an ambition reminiscent of Brian Wilson.
Final Score: Tusk 41, Sky 24. ELO had a big vision, but Fleetwood Mac were powered by both vision and voluminous amounts of drugs, and there's no testing in this tournament. Unlike the 1982 Cal-Stanford game, having a marching band come onto the field actually helped.
THE ESL BOWL
"Kiss in the Dark," Pink Lady, 1979
vs. "Saturday Night," Herman Brood and His Wild Romance, 1979
A pair of hits from acts where English is a foreign language. First, a pair of Japanese ladies who were huge stars at home made it to #37 by phonetically singing about a no good lover to substandard disco. The same year, Dutchman Brood, a man who lived the sex-drugs-rock n'roll lifestyle to its fullest picked up a Stateside #35 with a grimy rocker about street life.
Final Score: Brood 49, Pink 13. A blowout. The Ladies blended in too well, as their hit was pretty part for the course, and their accents are imperceptible. Brood, on the other hand, lets all his Europeanness and self-nihilism out in a way that you can almost hear the sleaze and depravity. Fear not for the losers, however, as shortly after their song came out, they got a deal with NBC to host a variety show. I see nothing but good things for that project.
THE SPINNING YOUR HEAD, AND OPTIONALLY, THE REST OF YOUR BODY AROUND BOWL
"Tubular Bells," Mike Oldfield, 1974
vs. "Music Box Dancer," Frank Mills, 1979
Two piano-driven instrumentals. First, Britain's Oldfield got to #7 with three minutes of a haunting album-length piece, parts of which were used to great effect in the 1973 horror classic The Exorcist. Six years later, Canadian Mills made it to #3 with a tinkly piano tune that had no horrific associations whatsoever.
Final Score: Bells 66, Box 3. A truly unholy beatdown. "Music Box Dancer" was kinda different, but did it make you picture vomit and desecration of holy symbols? Well, maybe for the odd person, but for the most part, that was saved for its opponent.
THE NO, NONSENSE BOWL
"Gimme Dat Ding," The Pipkins, 1970
vs. "Chick-a-Boom (Don't Ya Jes' Love It)," Daddy Dewdrop, 1971
A couple numbers that are just plain silly. First, a British duo makes an unclear demand, with one guy sounding like a muppet and the other singing very gravelly, going to #9 in the process. Then, Cleveland's Dick Monda got his own #9 with his tale of chasing a mysterious lady in a bikini through three doors leading to exotic locale.
Final Score: Ding 16, Boom 9. The Pipkins enigmatic approach prevailed over Dewdrop's strange but straightforward storytelling. No one could tell where they were going. But Daddy got some consolaction when he opened the door to his locker room after the game and found the girl in the bikini waiting for him. He jes' loved that.
THE GO-KART MOZART SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THAT RACE BOWL
"Hot Rod Lincoln," Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen, 1972
vs. "Blinded by the Light," Manfred Mann's Earth Band, 1977
A couple of songs that are, in their own ways, hard to keep up with. First, Michigan country-rockers Cody and Co. got to #9 with their tale of a street race involving a souped-up Model A Ford. Then, Mr. Mann and his band went all the way to #1 with a cover of a 1973 Bruce Springsteen tune with inscrutable lyrics and Seussian rhymes.
Final Score; Light 41, Lincoln 16. A comfortable win for the Earth Band, who confused the defense when their quarterback would call signals like "Teenage Diplomat! Silicone Sister! Dethrone the Dictaphone! Hut!" Afterward, coach Cody told his defeated charges, "Boys, you're gonna drive me to drinkin'.
THE HAIRY CHESTS AND MEDALLIONS EVERYWHERE BOWL
"Feelings," Morris Albert, 1975
vs. "After the Lovin'," Engelbert Humperdinck, 1977
Two of the decade's most overwrought ballads. First, Brazil's Albert got to #6 with a whiny, whoa-oh-oh-ful tune about trying to forget. Then, the former Arnold Dorsey made it to #8 with an overblown post-costal tribute to his lady.
Final Score: Feelings 30, Lovin' 20. Yes, Engelbert is overtly creepy on his hit, but there's something even scarier about Morris' whinier approach. You don't know how far he'll go to forget his feelings. Humperdinck must take his lovin' elsewhere.
THE HOW DID THEY GET THAT SOUND BOWL
"Double Barrel," Dave and Ansil Collins, 1971
vs. "Do You Feel Like We Do," Peter Frampton, 1976
Two tracks with some sonic peculiarities. First, a Jamaican duo climbed to #22 with a bouncy reggae tune heavily featuring echo effects. Then, British rocker Frampton made it to #10 with a live performance best remembered for his use of the "talk box," a device that allows a musician to filter his voice through an electric guitar.
Final Score: Feel 14, Barrel 7. Frampton's use of the talk box to call plays at the line confused both teams, but his own just a little less, and at the end of the game, they came alive and got the W.
THE LOT OF 'SPLAININ' TO DO BOWL
"Get Dancin'," Disco Tex and the Sex-O-Lettes, 1975
vs. "Disco Lucy," Wilson Place Street Band, 1977
Two strange disco tracks. First, celebrity hairdresser Monti Rock III delivered rapid-fire self-promotional patter over nonsensical backup vocals on a #10 hit. Then, a group of Los Angeles musicians were assembled in a studio for the sole purpose of recording a disco version of the theme to I Love Lucy. They were rewarded for their efforts with a #24 hit.
Final Score: Tex 55, Lucy 21. It was close after two quarters, but after the halftime show featuring the clean-cut youngsters of Hooray for Everything, Tex and the Lettes stomped the opposition like Italian grapes, leaving the Wilson street gang looking as lost as two candy company employees trying to keep up with a high-speed conveyor belt.
We'll be back to charts next time, but this tournament will continue soon enough. See you soon.
THE CLASSICAL HAPPINESS BOWL
"A Song of Joy," Miguel Rios, 1970
vs. "Joy," Apollo 100, 1972
A couple updates of famous classical pieces. First, Spaniard Rios, who is credited as being his country's first rock star, adds his own lyrics to anot elaborate production of the "Ode to Joy" portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. It reached #14. Then, British instrumentalists Apollo 100 did an electric version of J.S. Bach's "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring," that got to #6
Final Score: Apollo 7, Rios 6. Close but uneventful. The Bach one just sounds a little more interesting. Plus ithe was used in the film Boogie Nights, and they do say football is a game of inches...
THE SOUND OF THE FUTURE THEN BOWL
"Popcorn," Hot Butter, 1972
vs. "Autobahn," Kraftwerk, 1975
Two early examples of electronic music. First, New York jazz musician Stan Free and his group used a Moog synthesizer to create a track that uses beeps to simulate the popping of corn. It hit #9. Three years later, a band from Dusseldorf, Germany took advantage of advancements in technology to create a piece evocative of driving fast on a German highway. A three-minute edit of the original 22 minute piece reached #25.
Final Score: Popcorn 28, Autobahn 20: In this contest, minimalism wins. "Autobahn" was and is unique, but it has always sounded like, you know, a
song. "Popcorn," on the other hand, always sounded like something that didn't take much effort. You can probably make more sophisticated music these days with a phone app. Besides, what do Germans know about American football?
THE THIS IS GREAT, BUT HOW DO WE MAKE IT SPEAK TO THE KIDS BOWL
"Also Sprach Zarathustra (2001)," Deodato, 1973
vs. "A Fifth of Beethoven," Walter Murphy, 1976
A couple more classical updates, First, Brazilian Eumir Deodato got to #2 with a jazz-funk take on a piece that Richard Strauss was inspired to write in 1896 by the writings of philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, and was later popularized by the 1968 film 2001: A Space Odyssey. Then, New York musician Murphy did a disco version of Beethoven's iconic Fifth Symphony, going all the way to #1.
Final Score: Deodato 44, Murphy 37. A back-and-fort, high-scoring contest, decided late into the game when the Zarathustras bring on their secret weapon: none other than the Nature Boy, Ric Flair. He's taken on more fifths in bars from one end of this world to the other than you can imagine. He struts down that field, styling and profiling all the way into the end zone for the winning TD. Woooooooo!
THE POLISH PRINCE BOWL
"My Melody of Love," Bobby Vinton, 1974
vs. "Beer Barrel Polka," Bobby Vinton, 1975
In the mid-70s, sixties crooner Vinton squeezed out two more hits by embracing his Polish heritage. First, he took a German hit, translated it into English and Polish, and got to #3. He followed it up with by covering an actual polka standard that dates back to 1927. This hit #33
Final Score: Beer 33, Love 3. Yeah, a waltzy tune with foreign choruses was kind of strange, but getting genuine Polka on pop radio meant that "Melody of Love" gets Barrelled over.
THE WHY SHOULDN'T THIS SONG HAVE A DISCO VERSION BOWL
"Baby Face," Wing and a Prayer Fife and Drum Corps, 1975
vs. "Chattanooga Choo Choo," Tuxedo Junction, 1978
Jazz age disco battle! First, an anonymous studio group put all the touches of the time on a 1926 tune about cuteness, reaching #14. Then, a different anonymous group brought a 1941 Glenn Miller tune about a Tennessee train to the dance floor, and to #32 in the charts.
Final Score: Chattanooga 29, Baby 13. The Junction picked a more interesting song, and put more effort in. A wing and a prayer wasn't enough to start anything.
THE LET'S MAKE IT SOUND JUST LIKE IT DID BACK THEN BOWL
"Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy," Bette Midler, 1973
vs. "The Entertainer," Marvin Hamlisch, 1974
A pair of faithful anachronisms. First, the Divine Miss M scored a #8 by mimicking The Andrews Sisters on the tale of a jazz horn player who was finds his niche in the military, which they introduced in the Abbott and Costello filmy Buck Privates. A year later, composer and arranger Hamlisch reached #3 with a straight up version of a Scott Joplin rag, which he recreated for the 1973 film The Sting.
Final Score: Boogie 28, Entertainer 27. Excruciatingly close. Neither of these seemed like surefire pop smashes at the time. In the end, Bette's company jumped when the bugle boy and his band played one more "Reveille," allowing them to end up on top.
HE PLUCK AND CLUCK BOWL
"Duelling Banjos," Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandell, 1973
vs. "In the Mood," Henhouse Five Plus Too, 1977
A couple of interesting songs without words. First, Weissberg and Mandell went to #2 with their string duet from the movie Deliverance. Four years later, novelty artist Stevens slipped into the #40 spot by mimicking a chicken to the tune of one of Glenn Miller's best-known numbers.
Final Score: Banjos 28, Mood 14. A close contest for most of the way, but in the fourth quarter the Banjos team overpowered the opposition and made the chickens squeal like pigs.
THE CRANK UP THE COVERS BOWL
"House of the Rising Sun," Frijid Pink, 1970
vs. "Summertime Blues," The Who, 1970
Two hard rock bands made oldies louder. First, Detroit's Frijid Pink got to #7 with a cover of a folk-derived blues song popularized by The Animals in 1964. Later that year, The Who got to #27 with a live, powerful cover of Eddie Cochrane's 1958 teenage lament.
Final Score: Who 38, Pink 10. The Who just blew the competition away with their decibels. Watching the action was a cheer section. A Blue Cheer section, in fact, taking notes of the fact that distorting songs like this was their idea, which they introduced on a cover of, well whaddaya know, "Summertime Blues."
THE SGT. PEPPER OR PET SOUNDS BOWL
"Mr. Blue Sky, " Electric Light Orchestra, 1978
vs, "Tusk," Fleetwood Mac, 1979
A couple songs that evoke iconic albums by the Beatles and Beach Boys, respectively. First, ELO got to #35 with an elaborate production evoking sunshine and happiness that sounds like an extension of the middle section of the Fabs' "A Day in the Life." Then, at the end of the decade, the Mac picked up a #8 with their own big sounding opus, which featured some interesting harmonies, found sounds, and even the University of Southern California marching band, showing an ambition reminiscent of Brian Wilson.
Final Score: Tusk 41, Sky 24. ELO had a big vision, but Fleetwood Mac were powered by both vision and voluminous amounts of drugs, and there's no testing in this tournament. Unlike the 1982 Cal-Stanford game, having a marching band come onto the field actually helped.
THE ESL BOWL
"Kiss in the Dark," Pink Lady, 1979
vs. "Saturday Night," Herman Brood and His Wild Romance, 1979
A pair of hits from acts where English is a foreign language. First, a pair of Japanese ladies who were huge stars at home made it to #37 by phonetically singing about a no good lover to substandard disco. The same year, Dutchman Brood, a man who lived the sex-drugs-rock n'roll lifestyle to its fullest picked up a Stateside #35 with a grimy rocker about street life.
Final Score: Brood 49, Pink 13. A blowout. The Ladies blended in too well, as their hit was pretty part for the course, and their accents are imperceptible. Brood, on the other hand, lets all his Europeanness and self-nihilism out in a way that you can almost hear the sleaze and depravity. Fear not for the losers, however, as shortly after their song came out, they got a deal with NBC to host a variety show. I see nothing but good things for that project.
THE SPINNING YOUR HEAD, AND OPTIONALLY, THE REST OF YOUR BODY AROUND BOWL
"Tubular Bells," Mike Oldfield, 1974
vs. "Music Box Dancer," Frank Mills, 1979
Two piano-driven instrumentals. First, Britain's Oldfield got to #7 with three minutes of a haunting album-length piece, parts of which were used to great effect in the 1973 horror classic The Exorcist. Six years later, Canadian Mills made it to #3 with a tinkly piano tune that had no horrific associations whatsoever.
Final Score: Bells 66, Box 3. A truly unholy beatdown. "Music Box Dancer" was kinda different, but did it make you picture vomit and desecration of holy symbols? Well, maybe for the odd person, but for the most part, that was saved for its opponent.
THE NO, NONSENSE BOWL
"Gimme Dat Ding," The Pipkins, 1970
vs. "Chick-a-Boom (Don't Ya Jes' Love It)," Daddy Dewdrop, 1971
A couple numbers that are just plain silly. First, a British duo makes an unclear demand, with one guy sounding like a muppet and the other singing very gravelly, going to #9 in the process. Then, Cleveland's Dick Monda got his own #9 with his tale of chasing a mysterious lady in a bikini through three doors leading to exotic locale.
Final Score: Ding 16, Boom 9. The Pipkins enigmatic approach prevailed over Dewdrop's strange but straightforward storytelling. No one could tell where they were going. But Daddy got some consolaction when he opened the door to his locker room after the game and found the girl in the bikini waiting for him. He jes' loved that.
THE GO-KART MOZART SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THAT RACE BOWL
"Hot Rod Lincoln," Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen, 1972
vs. "Blinded by the Light," Manfred Mann's Earth Band, 1977
A couple of songs that are, in their own ways, hard to keep up with. First, Michigan country-rockers Cody and Co. got to #9 with their tale of a street race involving a souped-up Model A Ford. Then, Mr. Mann and his band went all the way to #1 with a cover of a 1973 Bruce Springsteen tune with inscrutable lyrics and Seussian rhymes.
Final Score; Light 41, Lincoln 16. A comfortable win for the Earth Band, who confused the defense when their quarterback would call signals like "Teenage Diplomat! Silicone Sister! Dethrone the Dictaphone! Hut!" Afterward, coach Cody told his defeated charges, "Boys, you're gonna drive me to drinkin'.
THE HAIRY CHESTS AND MEDALLIONS EVERYWHERE BOWL
"Feelings," Morris Albert, 1975
vs. "After the Lovin'," Engelbert Humperdinck, 1977
Two of the decade's most overwrought ballads. First, Brazil's Albert got to #6 with a whiny, whoa-oh-oh-ful tune about trying to forget. Then, the former Arnold Dorsey made it to #8 with an overblown post-costal tribute to his lady.
Final Score: Feelings 30, Lovin' 20. Yes, Engelbert is overtly creepy on his hit, but there's something even scarier about Morris' whinier approach. You don't know how far he'll go to forget his feelings. Humperdinck must take his lovin' elsewhere.
THE HOW DID THEY GET THAT SOUND BOWL
"Double Barrel," Dave and Ansil Collins, 1971
vs. "Do You Feel Like We Do," Peter Frampton, 1976
Two tracks with some sonic peculiarities. First, a Jamaican duo climbed to #22 with a bouncy reggae tune heavily featuring echo effects. Then, British rocker Frampton made it to #10 with a live performance best remembered for his use of the "talk box," a device that allows a musician to filter his voice through an electric guitar.
Final Score: Feel 14, Barrel 7. Frampton's use of the talk box to call plays at the line confused both teams, but his own just a little less, and at the end of the game, they came alive and got the W.
THE LOT OF 'SPLAININ' TO DO BOWL
"Get Dancin'," Disco Tex and the Sex-O-Lettes, 1975
vs. "Disco Lucy," Wilson Place Street Band, 1977
Two strange disco tracks. First, celebrity hairdresser Monti Rock III delivered rapid-fire self-promotional patter over nonsensical backup vocals on a #10 hit. Then, a group of Los Angeles musicians were assembled in a studio for the sole purpose of recording a disco version of the theme to I Love Lucy. They were rewarded for their efforts with a #24 hit.
Final Score: Tex 55, Lucy 21. It was close after two quarters, but after the halftime show featuring the clean-cut youngsters of Hooray for Everything, Tex and the Lettes stomped the opposition like Italian grapes, leaving the Wilson street gang looking as lost as two candy company employees trying to keep up with a high-speed conveyor belt.
We'll be back to charts next time, but this tournament will continue soon enough. See you soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)