The OMUSURT: Round Three, Part 2

The rest of the third round.  What songs have that little extra something that will keep them uneasily riding along?  Let’s find out.

THE NIGHT CRAWLER BOWL

“Funky Worm,” The Ohio Players, 1973

vs. “Werewolves of London,” Warren Zevon, 1978

A #15 about soulful fish bait versus a #21 about predatory mammalian hybrids.

Final Score: Worm 26, Werewolves 16.  By request of both teams, the game kicked off at 2 am.  The Zevon squad’s aggression was prevailing for much of the game, but the gang from Ohio used delaying tactics to prolong the game to the point where day was beginning to break, and after that, their opponents became an entirely different team.  The Worm turned after that.  When the coaches shook hands after the game, Granny of the Funky side asked her hirsute opposite number if he could introduce her to his team’s uniform supplier.

THE KIDS’ CHOICE BOWL

“The Candy Man,” Sammy Davis Jr., 1972

vs. “School’s Out,” Alice Cooper, 1972

The charttopper about a purveyor of sweets meets a #7 about kids being let loose.

Final Score: Candy 31, School 21.  The first half was dominated by the youthful exuberance of the Coop crew over the Davis’ out-of-shape sugar addicts.  However, fortunes were reversed in the second half, to such an extent that some observers speculated that the School kids were intentionally giving the game away.  There were also rumours that sometime during the first half, Coach Davis made a phone call to a friend of his with the initials F.S., and that friend had arranged for some “interested spectators” to visit Alice’s team at halftime to offer “encouragement.”  An investigation was conducted, and while reportedly there was some evidence of funny business, the Tournament Director has decided not to charge the Candy men with anything and will allow them to continue their campaign.  No, our Director’s name isn’t William Barr.  Why would you ask that?

THE TOY ANIMALS BOWL

“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970

vs. “Teddy Bear,” Red Sovine, 1976

A #16 about bath time companionship takes on a #40 about finding a friend on a radio frequency.

Final Score: Duckie 28, Bear 6.  Ernie’s squad played with so much cheerful exuberance that the serious Sovines could not help but stand around and watch for most of the game.  The Teddy Bears left the stadium in their trucks happier than most teams are when they actually win.

THE EATIN’ AND MATIN’ BOWL

“Mr. Jaws,” Dickie Goodman, 1975

vs. “Muskrat Love,” The Captain and Tennille, 1976

A #4 shark tale faces a #4 rodent romance.

Final Score: Muskrat 20, Jaws 14. The wriggly rodents proved too elusive for the massive Great Whites to overcome.  This was a shock to many observers, who expected the Jaws to devour the competition for a few more rounds, possibly all the way to the championship.  A stunned Coach Goodman was interviewed after the game.

Dickie, obviously this was not the result you were anticipating.  What went wrong?
“Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame.”

Really? Can you tell me more about this woman?
“She’s a rich girl, and she’s gone too far.”

Okay.  We’ve heard that you were having trouble finding words for your postgame team speech.  Can you comment on that?
“What do I say when it’s all over?”

What did your players say to you when they left the dressing room?
“You can go your own way, go your own way!”

Sounds like they weren’t happy with you.  What do you have to say about that?
“Players only love you when they’re playing,”

I see.  Let’s talk about the other team.  What did you say to their Captain after the game?
“Nobody does it half as good as you, baby you’re the best.”

Do you have any advice for them in their upcoming game?
“Hey y’all, prepare yourself for the rubberband man.”

All right.  Well, thank you for giving these interviews, Coach.  They’ve been very informative.  We now return you to...
“Don’t leave me this way.”

I’m sorry, Dickie, we’ve got to go.
“I can’t survive...”

Really, Dickie, it’s over.
“I can’t stay alive...”

Dickie, let go of me!
“without your love...”

DICKIE!!!!
“Don’t leave me this way.”

(Feed cuts out)

Well, some surprising developments there.  We’ll keep you posted.  Let’s move on.

THE TOO MANY BALLS ON THE COURT BOWL

“Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces,” Cheech and Chong, 1973

vs. “The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974

The #15 about a b-ball junkie meets a #1 about an exhibitionism addict.

Final Score: Streak 33, Jones 31.  The Streak continues, as their naked aggression and balls-out offense allowed them to edge the Joneses.  There was some concern that Cheech and Chong were so incensed by the loss that they were burning down their locker room, but it turned out that there was another explanation for the smoke coming from behind the door.

THE I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASTHMA INHALER BOWL

“Kung Fu Fighting,” Carl Douglas, 1974

vs. “Shaving Cream,” Benny Bell, 1975

The #1 about Asian martial arts battles a #30 not about facial lubricant.

Final Score: Fighting 35, Shaving 10. The Kung Fu practitioners used athleticism and expert timing to, well, cream their opponents.  Another colourful coach is out of the tournament, but Benny gave one final statement to the press after the game:

“This loss is very disappointing, 
 It’s angered me too, I’ll admit.
I hoped we would get good officials,
But these referees were full of shit!
Yeah, I said it.  No more mincing words.  Those Kung Fu guys got away with everything.  I know people don’t want to take the foot out of football, but I thought the ball was the only thing you were supposed to kick.  And all those chop blocks!  It was shit shit shit! I don’t care if we lose our Gillette sponsorship.  No more shaving cream,  No more shaving.  I’m growing a beard.  You know my grandfather had a long one.  That’s a funny story...”

He had a lot more to say, but we need to move on now.

THE WHAT’S YOUR 20 SAUCER JOCKEY BOWL

“The White Knight,” Cledus Maggard and the Citizens’ Band, 1976

vs. “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft,” Carpenters, 1977

The #19 about a sly sheriff matches up with a #32 about undiscovered intelligent life.

Final Score: Occupants 37, Knight 31 (OT). This was one of the closest games we’ve had so far.  It came down a play where the Citizens defense tried to lay a trap for the Occupants’ speedy receivers, but the Carpenters instead constructed a play that saw them go straight up the middle to escape with the win.  The Knight and his truckers’ cargo will not include the tournament trophy.

THE WHAT DOES HARRY THE DOG WANT FOR NOTHIN’ BOWL

“Saturday Morning Confusion,” Bobby Russell, 1971

vs. “Rubber Biscuit,” The Blues Brothers, 1979

A #28 about waking up to chaos versus a #37 about unappetizing edibles,

Final Score: Biscuit 23, Confusion 10.  The Brothers nonsensical play calls further puzzled Russell’s already confused crew.  The losing team, however, seemed relieved that it was all over and they could finally relax.

THE ELVIS MEETS NIXON...’S LAST DAYS AS PRESIDENT BOWL

“Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me,” Reunion, 1974

vs. “The King is Gone,” Ronnie McDowell,” 1977

A #8 musical mini-encyclopedia takes on a #13 Elvis eulogy.

Final Score: King 45, Life 16.   McDowell’s formula for victory remains the same: strictly follow a playbook that he has an extreme reverence for, and use it to dominate lesser opponents.  And for the second straight game, he met a team working from pieces of multiple game plans.  The Radio got rolled.  Goodbye, Reunion, we’ll miss you.

THE FIRST YOU GET THE AIRPLAY, THEN YOU GET THE PRESS COVERAGE BOWL

“The Cover of the Rolling Stone,” Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show, 1973

vs. “WOLD,” Harry Chapin, 1974
A #6 about a band trying to get on the front of a pop periodical faces a #36 about a guy who would play that same band’s singles.

Final Score: Cover 38, WOLD 3.  An easy win for the Medicine Show.  They remain laser-focused on their goal, while Harry’s team just seemed to have lost enthusiasm for the game and were just showing up to go through the motions, get the game cheque, and move on.

THE HOW MANY NIGHTS HAVE WE STAYED UP TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL THESE GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT BOWL

“American Pie,” Don McLean, 1972

vs. “Hotel California,” Eagles, 1977

The #1 abstraction of rock history battles the #1 L.A. metaphor.

Final Score: Pie 45, Hotel 38.  Both teams confounded each other with plays that looked like something other than what they were.  The McLean team just had a few more such tricks, and that made the difference.  They celebrated after the game with whiskey and rye.  The Californians wanted to drown their post-loss sorrows in a fine wine, but were told it wasn’t available here.

THE I SEE A LITTLE SILHOUETTE OF A CAN OF DR. PEPPER BOWL

“Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen, 1975

vs. “Junk Food Junkie,” Larry Groce, 1976

The #9 operatic ode to murder, nihilism and motherhood matches up with a #9 about empty calories.

Final Score: Rhapsody 55, Junkie 3.  There was no escaping the reality of the landslide the Junkies found themselves caught in right from the kickoff.  Groce’s team now have no reason to pretend to care about their diets during the day.  Good Lord, have pity on them.

THE IN AND OUT OF JAIL BOWL

“Mr. Bojangles,” The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, 1971

vs. “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree,” Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973

A #9 about a night in the drunk tank versus a #1 about being welcomed home from the state pen.

Final Score: Ribbon 14, Bojangles 10.  The Dawn patrol had just enough remaining pent-up aggression from their three years of incarceration to overcome the fancy footwork of the Dirt Band, to the cheers of a whole damn busload of their Rotten Ribbon-waving fans.

THE SHOOT THE GATOR, ASK QUESTIONS LATER BOWL

“The Batle Hymn of Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “Amos Moses,” Jerry Reed, 1971
The #37 defense of an alleged war crime takes on a #9 celebration of a reptile poacher.

Final Score: Calley 42, Moses 13.  C Company marched all over Amos and his swamp-strong cohorts, forcing many of them off the field with serious injuries.  Some of Calley’s own fans questioned if his team needed to be so brutal to win, but he rebuked them self-righteously, saying that if they weren’t willing to go out on the field with them, they had no right to judge them.

THE DEPENDENCE BOWL
“Patches,” Clarence Carter, 1970
vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
A #4 about a dad who expected a lot from his son meets a #35 about a son who expected a lot from his mom.

Final Score: I.O.U. 24, Patches 13. Fuelled by breakfast sausage and the love of their mothers, the I.O.U.s prevailed.  In the end, Carter’s team depended too much on one player, who did all he could in his torn uniform and second-hand equipment, but could only take them so far before he had nothing left.

THE WHAT’S COOKIN’ BOWL
“Swamp Witch,” Jim Stafford, 1973
vs. “MacArthur Park,” Donna Summer, 1979

A #39 about a life-saving brew faces a #1 about reckless baked-good storage.

Final Score: Witch 28, Park 0.  The reperesentatives of the Black Bayou won easily, mainly because  the Park team were both intimidated by their opponents’ reputation and depressed by the rainy game-day conditions.  They didn’t think that they could take it, and they pretty much melted.

Another round ends.  When we come back to this, we’ll be down to the last 32.  But before then, we’re headed back to Britain,  Join us next time.

AOMA: UKT40 March 18, 1972 Part Two

We now return.

20 - “Desiderata,” Les Crane
The American DJ/TV host’s performance of a 1927 poem was a transcontinental Top Ten.  I suppose there’s wisdom in it, but when the writer advised people to “listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story” he probably wasn’t anticipating the Internet.

19 - “It’s One of Those Nights,” The Partridge Family
The fake fam’s second hit here was inconsequential pop about how David Cassidy misses his girlfriend.  Keith seduction of Britain was starting slowly, but he would score, and score big.

18 - “Floy Joy,” The Supremes
Their third post-Ross Top Ten was this swinging ode to a boy to whom they give a strange nickname.  Mary Wilson gives a lead performance that makes one wonder what she could have done if she’d been given more of a showcase earlier in her career,

17 - “Give Ireland Back to the Irish,” Wings
Paul awkwardly comments on the Troubles, coming off as idealistically naive as you’d expect.  Despite a radio ban, it did go Top Twenty.  I don’t know what he was trying to accomplish with this, and thus I can’t say whether or not he succeeded.

16 - “Day After Day,” Badfinger
The third hit for the Beatle protégés from Swansea, featuring production and slide guitar from George Harrison.  A gorgeous puddle of pop.  I could listen to it once every 24 hours.

15 - “Say You Don’t Mind,” Colin Blunstone
The first and biggest hit for this chart’s second ex-Zombie was this string-based plea to a lover to forgive all his lapses of foolishness.  It’s a baroque beauty, wonderfully delivered by the man who embedded “She’s Not There” into a generation’s brain.  No one told me about it, but I’m glad I bothered trying to find it.

14 - “Storm in a Teacup,” The Fortunes
The last hit for the Birmingham band who started in the British Invasion era was this pleasing popper about not making too much of insignificant things.  A nice little shower of a song, the kind that ends with a rainbow.

13 - “Look Wot You Dun,” Slade
Their second Top Five was this piano-driven stomp about how roma nice messes with one’s mind.  This was also the song that made it clear that their penchant for misspelling was going to be a lasting part of their gimmick, and this caused British teachers to protest their potential to confuse children.  Not the kind of panic rock caused when it began, but still, good job on them for finding a new vein of adult outrage to mine.

12 - “Poppa Joe,” Sweet
The fourth hit for the tasty glam rockers was this calypso-tinged tune about a guy who sells coconut rum.  There’s a video with people doing the limbo under a flaming stick.  Catchy, but slight.  Not among their best.

11 - “I Can’t Help Myself,” Donnie Elbert
The Buffalo product’s second hit Motown cover.  Both were bigger here than the States.  Deservedly so.  He wisely doesn’t try to compete with Levi Stubbs, and his looser, swingier approach provides its own pleasures.

10 - “Mother of Mine,” Neil Reid
Our second crack at the Scottish tween’s tribute to mummy.  The number of granny-hugs and cheek-pinches this guy must have gotten during the height of his fame must have been staggering.  Whatever the opposite of groupies are, that’s what he got.

9 - “Meet Me on the Corner,” Lindisfarne
Six years before their only American hit “Run for Home,” these Newcastle folk-rockers had a home Top Five with this track about arranging a meet-up with a “dream seller.”  Is this code for something?  Almost certainly.  I won’t speculate on what.  It’s pleasant enough pub pop.

8 - “Blue is the Colour,” Chelsea Football Team
Foorball records will still in their early days, but this one, sung by members of that year’s edition of a London club founded in 1905, remains one of the most famous.  The song, co-written by Daniel “Beautiful Sunday” Boone, is basically a call to supporters to come to Stanford Bridge and wear blue to cheer them to victory.  The singing is what you’d expect, no better or worse.  The single was released ahead of their League Cup final again Stoke, which they lost.  But there has been plenty of success since, especially since they were bought by Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich.

7 - “Got to be There,” Michael Jackson
His Triple Top Five solo debut.  I doubt he understood what he was singing about. One wonders if he ever truly did.  So much of his life was distorted by circumstances no one could have imagined.  He’s still completely responsible for any harm he may have done to others, but I wonder how much he was shielded from, by others and himself.

6 - “Alone Again (Naturally),” Gilbert O’Sullivan 
Somehow, Britain kept this pity party from a Triple Crown.  Maybe they amount of rain they get makes them a bit less willing to go out of their way to expose themselves to dark clouds of the musical variety.

5 - “Mother and Child Reunion,” Paul Simon
Paul’s solo breakthrough was also a Triple Top Five.  A deceptively peppy rumination on death, featuring Jimmy Cliff’s backing band providing a cred-bolstering reggae groove, and Whitney Houston’s mom on backing vocals.  This definitely did not give anyone false hope that he would have a productive and successful post-Garfunkel career.

4 - “Son of My Father,” Chicory Tip
The first and biggest hit for this Maidstone outfit was this Moog-bedecked #1 about bucking parental indoctrination.  The synths are snowy but inessential, but I guess their novelty helped it stand out.  It’s a pretty good song, and one of the first successes for its co-writer, future disco auteur Giorgio Moroder.

3 - “Beg Steal or Borrow,” The New Seekers
Their follow-up to the Coke jingle was Britain’s Eurovision entry for the year.  It’s about the things they do for love.  I prefer 10cc’s methodology.  No wonder they came second to Luxembourg.

2 - “American Pie,” Don McLean 
Donnie’s epic somehow fell this short of the Triple Crown.  Though he did get the career one with his next hit, the more straightforward Van Gogh tribute “Vincent.”  The jester’s thievery did not prevent them from returning a verdict.

1 - “Without You,” Harry Nilsson 
The legendary singer-songwriter did land a Triple Crown, but with a cover of a song from the previous year by none other than Badfinger.  He goes full out and sells it without being sappy or overwrought.  The Crown was deserved.  And it’s justice that Mariah’s version missed it.

Another dust-biter.  Up next, more tournament action, action, action!  Stay tuned.

AOMA: UKT40 March 18, 1972 Part One

March 1972. Britain. Ummm...a big tax cut was announced, and the last trolleybus service in Britain ended in Bradford. Let’s roll on to see what the big cuts were in the chart.

40 - “Horse with No Name,” America
The sons of U.S airmen who met in London just missed a Triple Crown with their first single.  Britain held them two spots short.  Maybe because this song has a clear anti-rain bias, I don’t know.

39 - “Day by Day,” Holly Sherwood
An American singer who began acting in commercials and on stage as a child, Sherwood had her only hit when this version of the signature song from Godspell (which also incorporates another number, “Prepare Ye the Way of the Lord”) snuck into the Top 30 here.  It’s okay, but to compare her to another singer who broke through with a song from a musical about Jesus, she’s not quite Yvonne Elliman.  But she did do a lot of work with Jim Steinman in the 80s, so I can give her props for that.

38 - “Jesus,” Cliff Richard 
Speaking of our Lord and Saviour, Sir Cliff picked up a minor Top 40 with this gospel-rock plea for the Second Coming to arrive sooner rather than later.  Pretty bland, but passionately sung.  And given that he had been openly devout for years when he put this out, he can’t be accused of insincere opportunism.

37 - “Theme from The Persuaders,” John Barry Orchestra 
Our second meeting with this TV theme from Bond scorer Barry.  Still quality gothic intrigue.  I’m easily convinced of its quality.

36 - “Lovin’ You Ain’t Easy,” Pagliaro
Montreal singer-guitarist Michel Pagliaro was a rare phenomenon in the 70s, a Canadian artist who scored mulitple hits on both the French and English-language charts.  His biggest of the latter also made its way across the pond.  This is a very good pop-rocker about being okay with a lover’s difficult manner as long as she’ll “just be mine in your way.”  It’s yet another song I’ve come across while doing this that I didn’t know I knew, i.e. I’ve heard it several times before but had no idea what it was called or who did it.  I’m glad that has been corrected.  It’s a gem.

35 - “Theme from The Onedin Line,” Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra 
It’s still an instrumental opera piece repurposed for a TV show about the 19th century shipping business, and it’s still every bit as exciting as that sounds.

34 - “What is Life,” Olivia Newton-John
ONJ’s third hit was this cover of a track from George Harrison’s All Things Must Pass that was the B side to “My Sweet Lord” here but a separate single in many other countries.  She seems a little overwhelmed by the rock arrangement here.  Just a bad fit.

33 - “Heart of Gold,” Neil Young 
Neil got the North American Triple Crown jewels and his only U.K. Top Ten with this classic rock cornerstone.  It’s been played to death, but it still resonates, because we all never stop searching.

32 - “Brother,” CCS
Short for Collective Consciousness Society, this band was formed by Alexis Korner, a British blues guitarist who influenced and inspired future members of The Rolling Stones, The Yardbirds, Cream, and others.  Their fourth hit was this this sublime funk track.  I’m not sure what the lyrics are about, but they sound great.  And bonus points for it now being the theme to my favourite current podcast, the Top of the Pops-dissecting Chart Music.  I look forward to the next time I will get to hear this leading into Al Needham giving a boisterous “Ayyyyyyyup!” to me and the multitude of pop-crazed youngsters like me.

31 - “Let’s Stay Together,” All Green
The king of all soul love jams.  #1 in the States, Top Ten here.  But only #14 in Canada.  A blight on our record.

30 - “Sleepy Shores,” The Johnny Pearson Orchestra 
Our third revisit to a TV theme this entry.  I probably won’t listen to it all again, because I want to stay awake to finish this.

29 - “My World,” Bee Gees
Their penultimate pre-disco Top Five was this cloying ballad.  This runs on the fumes of “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart,” and you can hear the engine sputtering. They’d find a little more at the bottom of the tank for next single “Run to Me,” but the time was getting ripe for a completed overhaul.

28 - “All I Ever Need is You,” Sonny and Cher 
Surprisingly, this country love duet was the Bono’s only other Triple Top Ten besides “I Got You Babe.”  They sound very sincere about the sentiment here.  No prizes for guessing that the feeling wouldn’t last.

27 - “The Baby,” Hollies
Their 25th hit was their first without singer Allan Clarke and with new Swedish vocalist Mikael Rickfors.  It’s a an drama-rocker about the child of an unwed mother.  I think that’s it.  It’s interesting, but it’s clear why Clarke was quickly and enthusiastically welcomed back.

26 - “Too Beautiful to Last,” Englebert Humperdinck 
The Indian-born schlockster is here with a version of the theme from Nicholas and Alexandra, a film about the last monarchs of Russia.  It doesn’t evoke that at all.  Stick with Boney M and “Rasputin.”

25 - “Telegram Sam,” T. Rex
Their third of four #1s was this chugging rocker that codedly refers to people who were around Marc Bolan at the time.  Apparently, the title refers to band manager Tony Secunda, who was Bolan’s main man allegedly because he supplied the singer with drugs,  More proof that the Rex was the sun the rest of glam merely revolved around.

24 - “Have You Seen Her,” The Chi-Lites
The soul classic was #3 in the U’s, but only #47 in Canada? The fuck?  Our musical taste, have you seen it?

23 - “Flirt,” Jonathan King
The creep’s cover of a French song.  Time has revealed it to be quite rapey.  Ew.

22 - “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing,” The New Seekers 
The first of two #1s for these looky-loos was this rewritten commercial jingle.  Funny how decaffeinated a song meant to promote Coke sounded.

21 - “Hold Your Head Up,” Argent
The only pop hit for ex-Zombie Rod’s band is hereby bestowed with an award I call the Hollywood Phone Number, because it was a triple #5.  Nothing to be ashamed of, boys.  This is classic rock at its classic rockiest.

In Part Two: birds, footballers, and family.

...And as Years Go By: CT50 March 20, 1976

March 1976.  On the 28th, The Man Who Skied Down Everest would become the first Canadian film to win the Oscar for Best Documentary Feature.  In that spirit, I will now document the songs that were climbing the mountain that was the national singles chart.

Bonus Track #1: 73 - “Linda Write Me a Letter,” Choya (CanCon!)
Can’t find much about this band, and the song is pretty boring folk pop.  But it caught my eye because it seems between this an “Linda Put the Coffee On,” there seemed to be a mid-70s boomlet of CanCon Linda songs.  And also because it was released on the Realistic label, which like the Realistic brand of electronics, was owned by Radio Shack.  And I just saw Captain Marvel, so that continued my nostalgia for a dead brand.  The first computer I ever operated was a Tandy.  Sigh.

Bonus Track #2: 56 - “Suspicious Love,” Copperpenny (CanCon!)
From Kitchener, this band had been through multiple lineups and labels for over a decade when they finally managed a Top 50 with this soft rocker about romance clouded by doubt. An okay song that slides right in beside the Chilliwacks and Ian Thomases of the day.

48 - “Having a Party,” Crescent Street Stompers (CanCon!)
Our second encounter with these guys is this glam-rock cover of Sam Cooke’s 1962 hit.  It’s all right.  Can’t tell you much more about them than before, but I have found that there is also a Crescent Street in Montreal, so maybe that’s where they’re from.

47 - “Anyway You Want It,” Charity Brown (CanCon!)
Another one from Kitchener, and another artist we’ve met before, going Top Ten with another sassy soul raveup.  I don’t know if I’d call her great, but she can at least be classed as a reliably steady provider of above-average CanCon.

46 - “One Night Lovers,” Tom Middleton (CanCon!)
One of a handful of hits by this guy from Victoria, B.C., this is a blah pop ballad about a one-night stand written by American MOR maestro Paul Davis.  I don’t love it even for a second.

43 - “General Hand Grenade,” Trooper (CanCon!)
The Vancouverites second hit was this rocker that describes two people: the titular military official and a lady named Isabella Band Aid.  Apparently, he drinks lemonade, while she prefers Gatorade. I think it’s supposed to be some kind of social commentary, but I have no idea what it’s saying.  Pretty catchy though.

42 - “In France They Kiss on Main Street,” Joni Mitchell (CanCon!)
The Alberta native’s last home Top 20 was this jazz-folk-rock reminiscence of wild times in her youth.  It’s the moment when she was still sounding her most commercial, but there were signs that she was turning more experimental and less accessible.

40 - “Lazy Love,” New City Jam Band (CanCon!)
This one is a bit complicated.  It was recorded by a Vancouver rock band called Studebaker Hawk, but their label released it under a different name because it was poppier than most of their material.  And it was originally written and performed by a French artist named Napoleon Jones, aka David Christie, who we encountered on the British charts with his 1982 hit “Saddle Up.”  The song is much simpler than all that.  It’s pretty easygoing pop that sounds effortless, in a good way but not the best way.  Nice, but forgettable.

36 - “Sweeney Todd Folder,” Sweeney Todd (CanCon!)
Named for a fictional English barber who killed people and baked their remains into pies, this Vancouver band had their first hit with this glammy number about...I’m not sure what.  I can’t find lyrics, and those I can make out in the sometimes-inscrutable voice of future “Hot Child in the City” star Nick Gilder are hard to make sense of.  It’s okay, but they’d do better artistically and commercially with their next single, “Roxy Roller.”  Then Gilder would leave, and the band would carry on for one more album with their new vocalist, a teenager named Bryan Adams.

31 - “Y’Don’t Fight the Sea,” Terry Jacks (CanCon!)
The Jackster’s last home hit was a pop tune about feeling helpless on a boat when a storm comes.  It was co-written with Beach Boy Al Jardine, who would later record it with some of his band mates for a solo album.  It’s okay, which by my standards for this guy, makes it a relative masterpiece.

30 - “Loving You Baby,” Wednesday (CanCon!)
The second and last Top Ten for these guys from Oshawa, Ontario was this cover of Elton John’s unsuccessful 1968 debut single.  The melody certainly sounds Estonian, but the lyrics are pretty uninspired, which lends credence to the story that Bernie Taupin didn’t write them but was credited so he could get a cut of the royalties.  Haven’t heard the original, but this is pleasant, average pop with a shelf life.

21 - “Love Hurts,” Jim Capaldi
The former Traffic man released this cover of the song recorded by both The Everly Brothers and Roy Orbison around the same time Nazareth did.  His almost-disco version was clearly the bigger hit in Britain, while the opposite was true in the U.S.  Here?  Well, Nazareth got al the way to #1, but Capaldi got to #15, so we were open to both.  We’re cool like that.

13 - “Dolannes Melodie,” Jean-Claude Borelly
This Parisian trumpeter had a surprise hit here and in many other non-U countries with this instrumental that sounds kind of Spanish.  I don’t get it, but clearly, many did.

11 - “So Glad You’re a Woman,” The Neon Philharmonic 
The third song I’ve covered here that I can find no trace of.  This was an American band who had a hit in 1967, but after diminishing returns, they sold their name to a producer, who put out this song with no connection to the original group.  And for some reason it only hit here.  I did listen to that 1967 track, “Morning Girl.”  It’s intriguing baroque pop.  Worth a listen.

10 - “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen 
We did our part for this one right at the beginning.  America came close to doing its part in 1992, but came up one spot short.  You guys down there could still make it right, any time.  Freddie deserves his Triple Crown.

9 - “Lady Bump,” Penny McLean
Born Gertrude Wirschinger in Austria, McLean sang with the German disco outfit Silver Convention before hitting on her own with this track about her proficiency at Ned Flanders’ most feared dance step.  It pales against her old group’s hits.

8 - “I Feel Like a Bullet (In the Gun of Robert Ford),” Elton John
We alone gave Sir Elton’s comparison of his romantic betrayal to the projectile that killed Jesse James a Top Ten.  I approve.  This deserves to be better-remembered than it is.

7 - “Only Sixteen,” Dr. Hook
These guys cover Sam Cooke adequately, North America hands them Top Tens.  But it does shine in comparison to the horrors to come.


6 - “Action,” Sweet
One of the glammers’ last great bangers was a Top 20 in those other two places, but we gave it a well-deserved Top Five.  They could have had a piece of this, but I guess they didn’t want it badly enough.

5 - “Wow,” Andre Gagnon (CanCon!) 
Quebec composer/pianist Gagnon has written film scores and even an opera, but he also had a domestic hit single with this discotheque-Ready combination of samba beats, wah-wah guitar, and his ivory-tickling.  It’s like a better, lyric-free version of “Love is in the Air.

4 - “Love to Love You Baby,” Donna Summer
Again, we were the ones who fulfilled hot-and-bothered Donna’s desire for a #1 when others wouldn’t.  We may be quiet, but we’re not shy.

3 - “Money Honey,” The Bay City Rollers 
Another one we pushed to the top, giving them two in a row after “Saturday Night.”  It’s a pretty sharp pop-rocker, so it’s all right with me.  Some decent boogie piano on it, too.

2 - “Fanny (Be Tender with My Love),” Bee Gees 
The title obviously limited its chances for British success, and it got to #12 in the States.  We pushed it way up here.  I can back that.  It’s a quality midtempo disco ballad.

And 43 years ago, Canada loved it some...
1 - “Theme from S.W.A.T.,” The THP Orchestra (CanCon!) 
Some more convolutedness.  This theme tune to an American cop show was originally performed by composer Barry DeVorzon and his orchestra.  It was then covered by Rhythm Heritage, who took it to #1 in the U.S.  That version was climbing the charts here, but it suddenly stalled at #37 when a Toronto disco group decided to use CanCon regulations to their advantage and put out their version as a single.  It was a smart, if cynical, move.  Comparing the two versions, I have to say they’re quite alike, but there’s just a bit more funky substance to the Rhythm Heritage take.

There it goes again.  We’ll be back in Britain next time.  See you then.

The OMUSURT: Round Three, Part 1

And now we start the third round.  As the field thins out, the competition gets tougher.  All the borderliners are gone, leaving only true standouts.  Let’s see who keeps going.

THE PEACE BOWL
“One Tin Soldier,” Coven, 1971
vs. “What the World Needs Now is Love/Abraham, Martin and John,” Tom Clay, 1971
The #26 condemnation of greed versus the #8 suggestion that youth will bring hope to a chaotic world.

Final Score: World 21, Soldier 9.  This time, Billy Jack came in for the Coven crew when they got down early, but he found himself not wanting to attack his young opponents but rather join in their noble cause.  The Tin Men were sent back to their valley empty handed.

THE UNFAIRNESS BOWL
“Hurricane,” Bob Dylan, 1975
vs. “The Killing of Georgie,” Rod Stewart, 1977
A #33 about racial bias in the justice system faces a #30 about a man trying to overcome homophobia.

Final Score: Hurricane 38, Georgie 17.  Dylan’s team were simply more athletic, but the thing that stuck with the spectators was how respectful the teams were toward each other, even when the officials weren’t so fair to them.  The teams shook hands afterwards, and the losing side promised to have the Hurricanes’ back if the refs tried to cheat them in the future.

THE DIVIDED STATES OF AMERICA BOWL
“Convention ‘72,” The Delegates, 1972
vs. “Uneasy Rider,” Charlie Daniels, 1972
A #8 look at the differences between American political ideologies on the political level takes on a #9  tale about how those divisions played out among ordinary people

Final Score: Convention 41, Rider 24.  The Riders had gotten through on their ability to think on their feet and come up with trick plays, but they came up against a team that was even better at manipulation than they were.  They had even made a big move before the game by convincing a Delegate defensive back named McGovern to switch teams, but it backfired when he was burned several times by the Convention’s star receiver, a Mr. Nixon.  Thus, Charlie’s boys make an earlier-than-expected exit from the event they named.

THE HEAR THEM ROAR BOWL
“I Am Woman,” Helen Reddy, 1972
vs. “The Americans,” Byron MacGregor, 1974
The #1 declaration of female liberation takes on a #4 defence of American exceptionalism.

Final Score: Americans 42, Woman 21.  MacGregor continued his strategy of creating offense with strong, persistent defense.  Reddy had her team, um, ready, but it turned out they weren’t invincible after all.  But no one can say they weren’t strong enough to be in this tournament.

THE FLAIR FOR SURVIVAL BOWL
“Also Sprach Zarathustra,” Deodato, 1972
vs. “Dueling Banjos,” Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandell, 1973
A #2 version of a piece popularized by a movie about space matches up with a #2 made famous by a film about nature, human and otherwise.

Final Score: Banjos 30, Zarathustra 21.  The Banjos were led by four players who were capable of moving forward at all costs, regardless of what horrific obstacles were placed in front of them.  Yes, Ric Flair did his best to style and profile for the Zarathustras, but in the end, he was at the mercy of a team that taught him what it really means to be a “nature boy.”

THE CINEMA CONCESSION BOWL
“Popcorn,” Hot Butter, 1972
vs. “Tubular Bells,” Mike Oldfield, 1974
The #9 snack preparation simulation meets a #7 instrumental from a scary movie

Final Score: Bells 20, Popcorn 19.  The Butter boys were well-prepared for the onslaught of mysterious plays their opponent would execute, countering them with a game plan created with state-of-the-art technology.  The Bells seemed on the verge of going down, but in the end, the Popcorn team choked.  Literally.  They were okay after the game, but visibly shaken players warned that future Tubular opponents might want to consider seeking divine intervention.

THE COMPANY JUMPS TO THE MACHINE GUN BOWL
“Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy,” Bette Midler, 1973
vs. “Get Dancin’,” Disco Tex and His Sex-O-Lettes, 1975 
Bette’s #9 throwback to wartime swing versus Tex’s #10 call for dancing to a more modern beat.

Final Score: Boogie 42, Dancin’ 7.  Again, the Buglers’ combination of jazzy improvisation and combat readiness won the day, dominating the looser, less-structured Sex-O-Lettes.  However, losing coach Disco Tex has a lot to say afterward, and reports are that his postgame press conference is still going on days after the last reporter left.

THE WHAT GOOD’S A METRONOME WHEN THE CALLIOPE CRASHES TO THE GROUND BOWL 
“Gimme Dat Ding,” The Pipkins, 1970
vs. “Blinded by the Light,” Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, 1977
A #9 bit of strangely-sung nonsense faces a #1 epic that cryptically describes Bruce Springsteen’s youth.

Final Score: Light 49, Ding 31. A strange game.  Both sides ran a lot of plays that seemed nonsensical but somehow worked.  The difference was that the Earth Band had more such plays, designed by a man known as “The Boss.”  The Pipkins will have to find some other ding, because they will not be given the OMUSURT trophy.

THE AMERICAN CARNAGE BOWL
“D.O.A.,” Bloodrock, 1971
vs. “The Night Chicago Died,” Paper Lace, 1974
A #36 first-person depiction of a violent death takes on a #1 fictionalization of a mob war.

Final Score: D.O.A 35, Chicago 10.  The Bloodrockers went to extremes to unnerve their hardened opponents, and it worked. It didn’t help that sirens sounded on multiple occasions during the fame, which caused some members of the Paper Lace gang to flee the field until the coast was clear

THE MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE BOWL
“Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
vs. “Angie Baby,” Helen Reddy, 1974
A #17 about a miner who doesn’t make it out of a collapse battles a #1 about a boy who doesn’t make it out of a girl’s bedroom.

Final Score: Timothy 63 Angie 56.  A high-scoring affair, which set records for offensive yardage.  The Buoys devoured it in large chunks, while Helen’s team seemed to mesmerize the defense into steadily ceding ground.  In the end, it was the survival instinct that gave the Timothy team the strength to go on. Angie and company, howeve, seemed quite content to return home and withdraw from the world once mor.

THE FATHER AND SON BOWL
“Superstar,” Murray Head, 1970
vs. “The Lord’s Prayer,” Sister Janet Mead, 1974
A #14 about Jesus’ resurrection versus a #4 request for the blessings of the Lord.

Final Score: The Lord’s Prayer advances as a result of their opponents being disqualified. In a strange twist, it was announced the day before the game that the Superstars were being investigated for some of the seemingly miraculous plays they’d made in their first two games.  Though there was no evidence of any kind that Jesus’ team had cheated in any way, the team’s coach and captain was less than equivocal in His denials, and therefore it was decided that they would be sent back from whence they came.  They left the hearing silently, and as they left, they released a statement which read simply “It is finished.”  They weren’t seen for three days, but then they suddenly appeared in the stadium, scrimmaging with the Prayer team.  They gave no account of where they’d been, but they did announce that they were throwing all their support behind the Lord and his followers,

THE YOU’LL NEVER GET TO HEAVEN BOWL
“(Don’t Worry) If There’s a Hell Below, We’re All Going to Go,” Curtis Mayfield, 1970
vs. “Gotta Serve Somebody,” Bob Dylan, 1979
A #29 about the dark side of the afterlife meets a #24 about choosing whether or not to go there.

Final Score: Serve 27, Hell 24. A very close and tense game, with both teams seeming to be very concerned about the consequences of losing. In the end, it was one decision made by each team that kept Dylan moving up and sent Mayfield down.  But the Hell team seemed resigned to their fAte, and reminded us that in the end, we all lose eventually.

THE GONNA GO ALL THE WAY TONIGHT BOWL
“The Bertha Butt Boogie,” The Jimmy Castor Bunch, 1975
vs. “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” Meat Loaf, 1978
A #16 about shaking booty meets a #39 about a booty call.

Final Score: Light 28, Butt 14.  The Castor Bunch put all they had into it, but the Meat squad would not be denied from reaching their goal.  They took chances, and team ownership reportedly made an extravagant promise to the players if they won.  But can they go on like this forever, or will their time come to an end somewhere down the road.

THE LAST CALL AWARD
“Spill the Wine,” Eric Burdon and War, 1970
vs. “Telephone Man,” Meri Wilson, 1977
A #3 about a dream involving sex and alcohol faces a #16 about a requisition for equipment installation.
Final Score: Telephone 9, Wine 6.  The dream ends for the War Party. As the score indicates, both teams were all about getting their kicks, but in the end, Wilson’s warriors were a bit more active about it, and that allowed them to dial up a victory.

THE HUSTLING UP NORTH AND DOWN SOUTH BOWL
“Walk on the Wild Side,” Lou Reed, 1973
vs. “Lady Marmalade,” Labelle, 1975
A #16 about New York underground culture takes on a #1 about the oldest profession in old New Orleans.

Final Score: Walk 16, Marmalade 13 (OT) Both teams could get wild and unpredictable, making for a sloppy but exciting contest, In the end, it was Reed’s team’s ability to go go go just a little longer that won in the end.  But the crazed, almost primal energy of the Marmalade pros won’t be forgotten by anyone  who experienced it.


THE SMACK BOWL
“King Heroin,” James Brown, 1972
vs. “Earache my Eye featuring Alice Bowie,” Cheech and Chong, 1974
A #40 about a destructive addiction meets a #9 about corporal punishment.

Final Score: Heroin 56, Earache 3.  The Cheech and Chong contingent thought they could keep winning with their unusual style and bratty attitude, but their juvenile antics were put to shame by the  horrific scenarios James’ team confronted them with.  By the end, Alice and the rest of the team were not only utterly defeated, but they had vowed to change their ways and be resectable, conservative members of society.

The second half of the first round should produce more drama, but before we encounter that, we’ll be going back to Canada.  See you soon.

AOMA: UKT40 February 27, 1993

20 more steps.

20 - “Sad but True,” Metallica
The fifth single from the career turning point that was The Black Album was this pounding rocker that seems like it’s about drug abuse, spoken from the POV of the drug a la James Brown’s “King Heroin.” Of the singles, I’d say this is the one that sounds the most like they did before Bob Rock got to them.

19 - “Exterminate!” Snap! featuring Niki Harris
The Germans’ seventh Top Ten was this Eurodance track.  Harris sings nicely enough, but without a rap from Turbo B., it feels lacking.

18 - “In Your Care,” Tasmin Archer
Bradford-born singer-songwriter Archer followed up her #1 debut single “Sleeping Satellite” with this cry of anger at a lover’s betrayal.  When she sings “Son of a bitch, you broke my heart,” I buy it so much that I almost open my mouth to apologize.  It’s not the ear worm that her biggest hit is, but it’s a sign that she had the talent to be bigger than she got.

17 - “The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight,” R.E.M
The Georgians’ tenth hit was this jangly number with lyrics about snakes, food, machines that swallow money, Dr. Seuss, and more.  Delightfully odd, and more whimsical than usual.

16 - “How Can I Love You More,” M People
This re-release of their debut single, containing remixes, became their first Top Ten.  Good dance music sung powerfully by Heather Small.  I’m glad to hear their non-“Movin’ On Up” stuff is also pretty good.

15 - “Stick it Out,” Right Said Fred and Friends
Formed by East Grinstad brothers Fred and Richard Fairbrass, these guys became international stars with their iconic dance throwaway “I’m Too Sexy.”  Although they are considered one-hit-wonder punchlines on this side of the Atlantic, they had a nice little career at home, which included this benefit recording for Comic Relief with “friends” including future Dr, Gregory House Hugh Laurie.  It’s a silly song about being silly. Harmless fun, unless you were to take its advice and hug a bus.

14 - “Stairway to Heaven,” Rolf Harris
The Australian-born singer/comedian moved to Britain in the 50s had his first hit with 1960’s “Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport,” then became an entertainment fixture in the U.K. for decades.  His last Top Ten hit was this cover of the Led Zeppelin epic, performed on wobbleboard and didgeridoo.  Novelty for novelty’s sake.  Unfortunately, just a few years ago, in an investigation that would implicate several high-profile show business figures, Harris was found to have committed multiple sexual offences against underage girls.  So his stairway may ultimately lead somewhere else.

13 - “Oh Carolina,” Shaggy
The debut single for the Jamaican-American was this #1 cover of a 1960 Folkes Brothers ska somg, adorned with dancehall toasting.  Carolina is a good dancer, apparently, who “move just like a squirrel.”  It makes me smiley and happy.  And he’d never do better.  Not even close.

12 - “Ordinary World,” Duran Duran 
The Duranies returned to form with this fantastic midtempo ballad about trying to find normalcy again after the collapse of a relationship.  It’s got great lyrics, great structure, perfect production, and possibly Simon Le Bon’s greatest vocal.  It hit me as something special back then, and it still does.  Disagree if you want, but this is a Top Fifty 90s single at worst.

11 - “Ruby Tuesday,” Rod Stewart 
From an album released only here and in Germany, Roddy scored another hot with this cover of the Stones’ best ballad. He does okay, but there’s no reason for this to exist.  A great singer and a great song doesn’t always add up to magic.

10 - “The Love I Lost,” West End featuring Sybil
American Sybil Lynch’s biggest hit was this collaboration with Pete Waterman and DJ Eddie Gordon on a cover of a 1973 Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes hit.  Basic piano-driven house.  Teddy Pendergrass is greatly missed.

9 - “I Will Always Love You,” Whitney Houston 
Whitney covers Dolly Parton’s 1974 country hit for her movie debut The Bodyguard, it wins a Triple Crown and goes to #1 pretty much everywhere else.  Dolly made it a sweet little love song, Whitney made it a grandiose showcase.  It works both ways.  Yes, it has been played to death, but there’s a reason for that.  It’s an outstanding commercial performance.

8 - “I Feel You,” Depeche Mode
Their first hit since their American breakthrough Violator was a surprise turn to feedback-heavy hard rock.  It’s a positive love song, but it still sounds ominous.  An interesting one-off experiment.

7 - “Deep,” East 17
Named for the postcode of their home London neighbourhood of Walthamstow, these guys were one of the two boy bands who battled for British supremacy in the early to mid-90s.  Their first Top Five combined dance-pop with a rap that was more suggestive than you’d expect in this genre.  And yet, it’s still little more than your average bit of product.

6 - “Give in to Me,” Michael Jackson
It was always going to be more than a little awkward the first time I covered one of his songs in the wake of Leaving Neverland, but why did it have to be one with a title like this? Okay, starting with the track, which was Dangerous’ designated hard rock song, following in the footsteps of “Beat It” and “Dirty Diana.”  This one sees him in seduction mode, and he isn’t super convincing.  Slash is the superstar guitarist on this one, and he does his thing, but it doesn’t add a whole lot.  A bit of a dud.  As for the current talking points: well, I haven’t seen the documentary, I’ve only read descriptions of the interviews.  Obviously I can never know the truth for sure, but the stories sound credible, and it will take more than denials from the usual defenders to make me dismiss them.  What that means for my relationship with the man’s music, I can’t say.  I’ll cover his songs as they come, but if and how my coverage of them changes, I can’t speculate on.

5 - “Are You Gonna Go My Way,” Lenny Kravitz
The American retro-rocker had his first Top Five here with this old-school blues-rock blast.  It’s one of those songs that felt like it always existed even when it was played for the first time.  For better or for worse, it’s his definitive track.  To me, it sounds great, but it’s not a great song.  Interpret that how you will.

4 - “I’m Every Woman,” Whitney Houston 
Another cover from The Bodyguard, this one of a 1978 Chaka Khan hit.  This one is more of a clear lesser in comparison to the original.  Not distinctive enough.

3 - “Little Bird/Love Song for a Vampire,” Annie Lennox
The fourth solo hit for the once and future Eurythmic was a double A.  The first track is strutting declaration to strike out on one’s own in spite of fear and doubt.  The second is a gothic ballad written for the soundtrack of Francis Ford Coppola’s version of Bram Stoker’s Dracula.  It’s pretty and evocative, but I much prefer “Little Bird.”

2 - “Why Can’t I Wake Up with You,” Take That
The other top U.K. boy band of the era had their second Top Five with this goopy ballad written and sung by Gary Barlow.  From what I understand, he was the one of the five who was seen as having the best prospects for a solo career.  Like most things in life, pop is full of inaccurate predictions.

1 - “No Limit,” 2 Unlimited 
The only #1 for the Dutch Eurotechno outfit, and a sports arena staple.  Try as you might, You just can’t deny that jackhammer beat and those punishing synth chords.  The singing and rapping are superfluous.  You will let them hear you say “Yeah!”

There’s the latest.  Next time we begin the third round of the OMUSURT.   See you then.

AOMA: February 27, 1993 Part One

February 1993.  Not a lot of great news in Britain, but Elton John had just been forced to cut short a concert in Australia due to a swarm of grasshoppers invading the stage.  Maybe they were protesting that they thought they rock harder than crocodiles and should have gotten the shoutout in that song.  I think they have a case.  Meanwhile, these were the creatures infesting the pop chart.

40 - “(We Don’t Need This) Fascist Groove Thang,” Heaven 17
The last Top 40 for these electronic pioneers was a remix of their debut single by Italian brothers Charlie and Marco Rapino.  It was originally a reaction to the spread of right-wing politicians like Thatcher and Reagan.  Those two were gone by this time, and there was a lyrical change to reflect Bill Clinton’s recent defeat of George H.W. Bush.  It’s okay, but the original is much better, and somehow sounds more modern.

39 - “Brother Louie,” Quireboys
From London via Newcastle, these retro blues-rockers were managed by Sharon Osbourne, and managed five late-90s hits, the last being this cover of the early-70s Hot Chocolate/Stories hit about an interracial couple.  Singer Spike’s voice makes it moreover comparable to the Stories version, and there’s some nice harmonica on it.  Irrelevant, but still a good effort.

38 - “For What It’s Worth,” Oui 3
The first of four hits for this Anglo/American/Swiss trio was this dance-rap interpretation of Buffalo Springfield’s 1967 rock classic.  Singer Blair Booth’s delivery of the choruses is distinctive, but otherwise, if you want a better rap interpolation of this tune, go with Public Enemy’s “He Got Game.”

37 - “Constant Craving,” k.d. Lang
The Albertan’s biggest pop hit, and her breakaway from a country scene that was never going to accept her.  Still the definition of the best kind of adult pop.

36 - “Harvest Moon,” Neil Young
This acoustic ballad was the title track to an album that was a sequel of sorts to 1971’s Harvest, and just happened to become his first Top 40 here since the latter LP’s “Heart of Gold.”  It’s a gorgeous, tender love song that cannot be denied.  Neil is much more than simply this sort of thing, but when he turns to this stuff, few can challenge him.

35 - “Walk,” Pantera
The Texas thrashers had their first Top 40 here with this pummelling bit of “groove metal” about not wanting to put up with others’ bad attitudes. Phil Amselmo growls, Dimebag Darrell shreds, and you end up feeling ground up and strewn all over the place, but you like it.  4.75 on the Headbangometer.

34 - “The Nameless One,” Wendy James
After the breakup of Transvision Vamp, James went solo with an album made up entirely of songs written for her by Elvis Costello.  This track is kind of funk grungey, with stream-of-consciousness, name-dropping lyrics.  Not one of the stronger moments for anyone involved.

33 - “NYC (Can You Believe This City),” Charles and Eddie
The follow-up to their retro-soul #1 “Would I Lie to You” was a grittier number about the dark side of urban life.  Not bad, even though it’s yet another song to use borrow the guitar signature from “For What It’s Worth.”

32 - “Beautiful Girl,” INXS
The Aussies struck again with this pretty ballad about loving and feeling protective of someone.  Simple, but effective.  Michael Hutchence gives a low-key performance, which is a wise choice.

31 - “Reminisce,” Mary J. Blige 
The first U.K. hit for the emerging Queen of Hip-Hop Soul was this slick R&B strut about rekindling passion.  It conveys so much in such a short time.  Her specialness was unfolding.

30 - “In the Still of the Nite (I’ll Remember),” Boyz II Men
The Philly quartet’s third hit was this cover of the 1956 Five Satins doo-wop classic. A showcase for their harmonies. They passed the audition, but I’d be more interested in what lease they’ve got than going back to this.

29 - “This Time,” Dina Carroll
The fourth solo hit for the Newmarket (England) soulstress was this passionate plea for another chance with a lover.  A fine bit of balladry, and that’s all it needs to be.

28 - “Love Hurts,” Peter Polycarpou
Brighton actor-singer Polycarpou is best known for being in the original London cast of Miss Saigon and his role in the sitcom Birds of a Feather.  He scored his one pop hit with the closing theme to a different sitcom that he wasn’t even in.  It’s so dull I’m not going to find out anything more.

27 - “Killing in the Name,” Rage Against the Machine
The fiercely political Los Angeles rap-rockers made their first impression with this metallic firebomb about racially motivated police brutality.  Five minutes of all-out attack, punctuated by a closing mantra perfect for disaffected teens looking to piss off their parents.  It got to #25 on this run, but a campaign against the pop talent competition The X Factor pushed it to the #1 spot at Christmas 2009.

26 - “Open Your Mind,” U.S.U.R.A.
Despite appearances, this Italian dance group’s name isn’t an acronym, but rather was inspired by the mother of the owner of their record label, whose name was Ursula.  Their lone Top Ten was this standard house track where the title is the only lyric and is repeated several times.  I tried taking its advice, but I still wasn’t entranced.

25 - “If I Ever Lose My Faith in You,” Sting
The Stinger is here with his usual pop-rock thang about how he’s disillusioned with everyone and everything in the world except, presumably, wife Trudie Styler.  Top 20 in the U countries, but somehow it got to #1 up here.  My faith isn’t lost because of this, but it is a tad shaken.

24 - “You’re in a Bad Way,” Saint Etienne
This electronic trio from Croydon had their fourth hit with this jaunty pop offer of support to someone who’s not doing so well.  A joyous New Wave throwback.  In a good way.

23 - “Ground Level,” Stereo MCs
The third hit for the London hip-hop group led by Robert “Rob B.” Birch and Nick “The Head” Hallam was this track about the higher up you are in society, the more blind you are to the real ills of the world. A good groove with thoughtful lyrics.  I was previously only familiar with their American hits, and among those, it’s at the same level as “Connected” and “Step it Up,” but welll below my favourite, “Elevate My Mind.”

22 - “Took My Love,” Bizarre Inc. featuring Angie Brown 
The fourth hit by these Stafford DJs was this house number with vocals by Brixton singer Brown and some presumably sampled rap.  I’m adding this to the ball of 90s dance tracks I can’t understand why anyone would go out of their way to listen to outside a club.  I’m sure there are those who can.  Good on them.  I don’t get it myself, that’s all.

21 - “Sweet Harmony,” The Beloved
This group’s only Top Ten was this bubbly, uplifting unity plea.  I think this reveals the reason so much dance music of the time leaves me cold.  A lot of it was just content to be formulaic background music for clubs, parties, and “hip” clothing stores.  It didn’t make me feel anything.  This one does.  It soothes and makes me feel hopeful.

In Part Two: there are a couple of people whose personal lives I’m going to have to deal with, and it will not be comfortable.  But there’s also a Right Said Fred song that isn’t “I’m Too Sexy.”