The last quarter of the second round. Mostly stories. And now those stories are characters in a larger story. And so it begins.
THE 50s HEARTTHROBS LIVING AND DEAD BOWL
“Garden Party,” Rick Nelson, 1972
vs. “The King is Gone,” Ronnie McDowell, 1977
Ozzie and Harriet’s son’s #6 tale of a reunion of rock royalty takes on McDowell’s #13 tribute to a departed musical monarch.
Final Score: King 35, Party 21. McDowell executed one of the greatest playbooks of all time well enough to spoil the Party. Nelson had a pretty proven playbook of his own, but he couldn’t resist trying a couple of new, untested plays that ended up backfiring. After the loss, he reportedly contemplated a career change to truck driving.
THE DESPERATELY SEEKING ATTENTION BOWL
“The Cover of the Rolling Stone,” Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show, 1973
vs, “Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You,” Jerry Corbetta and Sugarloaf, 1975
A #6 quest for a magazine story meets a #9 hustle for a recording contract.
Final Score: Stone 27, Call 10. Arriving in limousines driven by their fathers and wearing uniforms featuring embroidered denim pants, the Medicine Show came out and outclassed the Sugarloafers. The losing squad are apparently looking for another game somewhere, but apparently all of their prospective opponents will only commit to playing them at some undetermined future date that, many fear, will never come.
THE STARMAKER MACHINERY BOWL
“WOLD,” Harry Chapin, 1974
vs. “The Load-Out/Stay,” Jackson Browne, 1978
The #36 story of an itinerant DJ versus the #20 snapshot of life on a rock tour.
Final Score: Chapin 45, Browne 15. The Load-Out crew were betrayed by their own work ethic this time, as they took it upon themselves to set up the goalposts, haul out the benches and down markers, fill the Gatorade coolers, paint the lines, and even mow the field before the game. After all of that work, they had little left for the actual contest. The WOLDies, on the other hand, are used to showing up, giving their all for as long as their wanted, and moving on. Despite the loss and their exhaustion, Browne’s team went ahead and put everything back the way it was before leaving.
THE RCA AND ALL THE OTHERS ARE RUINING MY ART BOWL
“Look What They Done to My Song, Ma,” The New Seekers, 1970
vs. “Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me),” Reunion, 1974
A #14 expression of artistic differences faces a #8 recitation of pop ephemera.
Final Score: Rock 41, Song 3. Another dominant performance by Reunion, as their rapid-fire play calling was too much for the Seekers, who were reportedly driven close to insanity trying to keep up. The losing side is reportedly now looking to calm down with a good book.
THE DAY THE MUSIC WAS SHOT BOWL
“American Pie,” Don McLean, 1972
vs. “Eighteen with a Bullet,” Pete Wingfield, 1975
The #1 epic poem matches up with a #15 musical metaphor.
Final Score: Pie 48, Bullet 10. McLean’s bunch rolled like a stone over the Wingfield team, in spite of having one of their main players, a man known as “the Jester” sidelined with an injury. This will not be the day that their hopes of winning died.
THE BURN, CALORIES, BURN BOWL
“Junk Food Junkie,” Larry Groce, 1976
vs. “Disco Inferno,” The Trammps, 1978
A #9 celebration of unhealthy eating meets a #11 song about a setting a building on fire through the power of dance.
Final Score: Junkie 28, Inferno 14. The Trammps got off to a hot start, but they eventually self-destructed around the same time as the Junkies’ sugar rush kicked in. But how long before their lack of dietary discipline causes the inevitable crash?
THE COME IN OUT OF THE ICE AND SNOW BOWL
“Immigrant Song,” Led Zeppelin, 1971
vs. “Hotel California,” Eagles, 1977
A #16 tune about Nordic invaders takes on a #1 about a place you can’t leave.
Final Score: California 38, Immigrant 28. The Zeppelin team were very aggressive, dominating possession and field position in the first half. But in the second half, they couldn’t seem to check out of their own end of the field. In fact, they never left it. The Eagles’ team celebrated after the game, but not with the traditional champagne, because according to the team captain, they hadn’t had it, or any other wine, for quite some time.
THE WE’RE SO SORRY WE JUST KILLED A MAN BOWL
“Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey,” Paul and Linda McCartney, 1971
vs. “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen, 1975
A #1 sea chantey versus a #9 mini-opera.
Final Score: Rhapsody 49, Albert 10. The game was played in a swirling wind, but no matter which way it was blowing, it didn’t really matter to the Bohemians. The McCartney effort was also hampered by their tendency to leave the field any time their tea kettle whistled.
THE SONG AND DANCE BOWL
“Mr. Bojangles,” The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, 1971
vs. “Piano Man,” Billy Joel, 1974
A #9 tale of a hoofer faces a #24 story about an ivory-tickler.
Final Score: Bojangles 23, Piano 20. A very close game, professionally played. It came down to a Hail Mary on the last play. The ball was up for grabs, but the Dirt Band’s star receiver jumped so high, jumped so high, and very lightly touched down in the end zone with the ball in his possession for the game-winning score. Billy’s boys took the loss surprisingly well, as they left the field singing and carousing, and one player was heard to remark “Man, what are we doing here?”
THE WHAT DID YOU DO IN THE WAR BOWL
“The Battle Hymn of Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “Fernando,” ABBA, 1976
The #37 story about Vietnam battles a #13 tale of the Texas Revolution.
Final Score: Hymn 49, Fernando 0. Another win for C Company and their take-no-prisoners style. There is talk of investigating the legality and morality of their tactics, but for now, they go marching on. The ABBA squad never thought that they could lose, but they have no regrets.
THE CADILLAC WITH ALLIGATOR SEATS BOWL
“Amos Moses,” Jerry Reed, 1971
vs. “One Piece at a Time,” Johnny Cash, 1976
A #8 song about an alligator wrestler meets a #29 tune about a resourceful autoworker.
Final Score: Amos 44, Piece 14. Jerry’s team of big, mean and tough Bayou-bred boys easily conquered the Cash team, whose mixed-up playbook resulted in fiascos such as when they punted from their opponents’1-yard-line, and running a quarterback sneak on third and 25.
THE LAY YOUR MONEY DOWN IF YOU WANT THAT RECIPE AGAIN BOWL
“Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves,” Cher, 1971
vs. “MacArthur Park,” Donna Summer, 1979
A #1 about unwanted pregnancy takes on a #1 about a cake wreck.
Final Score: Park 23, Gypsies 21. Another close victory for Donna’s team. The turning point in the game occurred when a new player the Gypsies acquired in Memphis, who had dazzled one particular teammate with his performance, suddenly left the team late in the third quarter. This caused much disruption on the Cher sidelines, and at the end of the game when they still had a chance, they seemed more interested in preaching gospel and spelling bottles of something called “Dr. Good” to the Crown than winning the game.
THE PARENTAL PRESSURE BOWL
“Fancy,” Bobbie Gentry, 1970
vs. “Patches,” Clarence Carter, 1970
A #31 about a girl entrusted to improve her family’s station in life meets a #4 about a boy...entrusted to improve his family’s station in life.
Final Score: Patches 34, Fancy 31 (OT) In a game where it’s no exaggeration that both teams had everything to play for, Carter’s team had just enough to outlast their similarly-motivated opponents. The Fancy Side was disappointed, but they seem to have the attitude that they’ve done pretty well for where they started, and they are sure they did not let their Mama down,
THE HI MOM/DAD BOWL
“The Last Game of the Season (A Blind Man in the Bleachers),” David Geddes, 1975
vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
The #18 about playing for your father faces a #35 about apologizing to your mother.
Final Score: I.O.U. 26, Bleachers 21. An upset. Both teams went all out in their attack on the heartstrings, but Jimmy’s bunch just pushed a little bit harder and finally broke Geddes gang down. They may have been blind to everything but victory, but unfortunately, they weren’t deaf.
THE I WAS SUCH A BAD FATHER THEY PUT ME IN JAIL BOWL
“Tie A Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree,” Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973
vs. “Cat’s in the Cradle,” Harry Chapin, 1974
A #1 about trying to rekindle a relationship after going to prison versus a #1 about being confronted with your own neglectful parenting.
Final Score: Ribbon 30, Cradle 20. Two closely-matched teams, but the difference was Orlando’s more dedicated fan support, and the fact that the hardening they experienced in prison helped them stay on task when things got sentimental at the end.
THE FIDDLING WITH DARK MAGIC BOWL
“Swamp Witch,” Jim Stafford, 1973
vs. “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” The Charlie Daniels Band, 1979
A #3 about a violin contest with Satan meets a #39 about a benevolent Wiccan.
Final Score: Witch 37, Devil 31. Another surprise. Some are attributing it to the game being moved at the last minute from the Peach State to a place called “The Black Bayou.” Some even think a dispute over musical differences between members of the Daniels team’s marching band may have been a factor. Whatever the reason, the Devil’s disciples were defeated, and for some reason, they presented their conquereors with a golden violin.
So now we’re down to 64. Stay tuned for when Round Three begins, but next up, we make a belated return to Canada. See you then.
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