February 1985. In Canada, Defence Minister Robert Coates is forced to resign after he is found to have patronized multiple strip clubs on an official visit to West Germany. Meanwhile, here’s a look at his home nation’s fully clothed pop chart.
Bonus Track #1: 66 - “If I had a Rocket Launcher,” Bruce Cockburn (CanCon!)
The Ottawa folk-rocker’s most incendiary single was inspired by the stories he heard from Guatemalans fleeing from dictatorship in a refugee camp in Mexico. Basically, it angered him enough to desire a high-powered projectile weapon and make “some son-of-a-bitch.” pay with his life. The song is an explosive device in and of itself. Interestingly enough, it’s the only song of his other than “Wondering Where the Lions Are” to crack the U.S. Hot 100.
Bonus Track #2: 60 - “Romantic Traffic,” Spoons (CanCon!)
This Burlington, Ontario New Wave band had some success domestically, and at one point Nile Rodgers chose to produce an album for them rather that the then-hot Culture Club. Though that album failed to even secure an international release, Rodgers returned to helm two subsequent songs the group wrote for a Canadian film called Listen to the City. One was this breezy pop tune about navigating the gridlock of love. It only made it to #55, but the song and video received substantial airplay, burning its “Doo doo, doo doo, doo de doo doo” hook into the national collective brain.
50 - “Rock You,” Helix (CanCon!)
From Kitchener, Ontario, this hard rock band had been around for a decade and been through several lineup changes (apparently, a pre-Family Ties Michael J. Fox once auditioned to be their bass player). Their breakthrough hit was this big, dumb, beautiful ode to the power of ROCK (“Gimme an R! O! C! K!”). And the video, set in what appears to be a prehistoric slave labor camp and featuring topless women and a closing shot of singer Brian Vollmer doing the splits in midair, is the most stereotypically metal thing you will ever see. This doesn’t rate on the Headbangometer. It IS the Headbangometer.
48 - “Hang on to Your Love,” Sade
This track by Ms, Adu and her eponymous band didn’t chart in the U countries, but made it here. The usual sophisticated soul, this time encouraging romantic determination. As always, something to put on when you want to class up the place with minimal effort.
44 - “Not in Love,” Platinum Blonde (CanCon!)
The fourth single by the poofy-haired Torontonian was this spiffy new waver about romantic denial. Not a big fan of Mark Holmes’ voice, but he doesn’t do too badly on this one. One of the many songs here that induce Grade 8 flashbacks.
42 - “Madam Butterfly,” Malcolm McLaren
After tackling hip-hop and urban American culture, British pop impresario McLaren combined opera and dance beats on this adaptation of the aria “Un bel di vedremo” from Giacomo Puccini’s 1904 work about the doomed romance between a teenage Japanese girl and an American Navy lieutenant. While soprano Betty Ann White sings the aria, McLaren speaks from the point of view of the American Pinkerton, while Debbie Cole sings verses as Cio-Cio-San about her fervent belief that her foreign lover will return to her and the son she bore him. Spoiler Alert: he does, but...well, opera isn’t exactly known for happy endings. A strange, wonderful genre collision, and one that moves me to dust off the Uneasy Rider.
32 - “Catch My Fall,” Billy Idol
The fourth single from Rebel Yell missed the top 40 in the U.S. and U.K., but cracked the Top 30 here. It’s pop-rock about hoping that someone will look out for you when you’re in trouble. Okay, but far from a lost gem.
31 - “Tenderness,” General Public
After the breakup of British ska stars The Beat, vocalists Dave Wakeling and “Ranking” Roger Charlery formed a new group with other members who had just left significant bands (including, at one point, The Clash’s Mick Jones). They had little success at home, but scored a North American hit with this bouncy number about needing love in your life. I loved it the first time I heard it, and I still do. It makes me dance crazily. It’s like a button, I can’t stop pushing it.
29 - “The Power of Love,” Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Their third straight home #1 and third Top Twenty here was this big ballad about love’s ability to cleanse, embolden, protect, and fulfill. Huge and elaborate, but also extremely moving. Possibly their best moment. We all would like someone to keep the vampires from our door.
25 - “Tonight,” David Bowie with Tina Turner
Bowie turns a song about watching a lover die from a heroin overdose that he co-wrote with Iggu Pop for Iggy’s Lust for Life LP into a more innocent-sounding bit of lovers rock he can sing with Tina. It’s growing on me with repeated listens.
24 - “The Word is Out,” Jermaine Stewart
Before his 1986 smash “We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off,” Chicagoan Stewart released this big-beated lament that his down-low lover has taken them public. It just missed the Top 40 at home, but got solidly in it up here. Deservedly so.
19 - “Sexcrime (Nineteen Eighty-Four),” Eurythmics
Though it flopped in America, this track from Annie and Dave’s soundtrack to the film version of George Orwell’s dystopian novel went Top Five in Britain and Top Twenty here. The cold synths and Lennox’s impassioned verses perfectly reflect the theme of humanity trying to break through tyrannical conformity. To put it in Ingsoc, this is doubleplusgood.
11 - “At the Feet of the Moon,” Parachute Club (CanCon!)
The second hit for this Toronto band was another solid example of their mix of dance-pop, idealistic lyrics, and world music influences. I’m not sure if I like this or “Rise Up” better, but it’s definitely better than the one they did with John Oates.
The Top Ten isn’t the one on trial here.
10 - “Ti Amo,” Laura Branigan
Once again, Branigan covers a song originated by Italian singer Umberto “Gloria” Tozzi with English lyrics, this time written by Diane Warren. It’s a power ballad about a breakup. and for some reason it was a major hit only here and in Australia. She goes all out, getting especially raspy whenever she sings the word “under.” Not for me, but I can live with its success.
9 - “Smalltown Boy,” Bronski Beat
We joined the U.K. in making this groundbreaking disco track about escaping a homophobic environment a Top Ten. Jimmy Somerville’s sad-yet-hopeful performance still moves.
8 - “You’re the Inspiration,” Chicago
I’d rather not be, guys. Find someone else to pin this blecch on.
7 - “Do They Know It’s Christmas,” Band Aid
Only America denied the charity collaboration a Triple Crown. And around this time, our own assemblage of stars was gathering as Northern Lights to record our contribution, “Tears are Not Enough.” The big guns were there: Adams, Murray, Lightfoot, Young, Mitchells Joni and Kim. I’ll talk more about it when it inevitably comes up, but for now, I’ll tell you that Geddy Lee is my favourite part.
6 - “Like a Virgin,” Madonna
Her first #1 here and in the U.S. It still combines sexual desire and longing for deeper intimacy in a way few pop songs ever have.
5 - “I Want to Know What Love Is,” Foreigner
The Triple Crown-winning, gospel-enhanced ballad. Maybe it tries too hard to be meaningful, but it gets there anyway.
4 - “Run to You,” Bryan Adams (CanCon!)
His first Top Ten here and in the States. Distilled rock urgency. I still like “Cuts Like a Knife” better, but this is easily the best of Reckless.
3 - “All I Need,” Jack Wagner
The only hit for the General Hospital star was this cross-border Top Five mush lump. There is nothing I need here.
2 - “Easy Lover,” Philip Bailey and Phil Collins
The phenomenal Phils missed the Crown by one American spot. Ohhh, they’ll regret it. At least they should. It’s effective superstar pop that just won’t leave your head.
And on top up here 34 years ago was...
1 - “Careless Whisper,” Wham!
Regardless if it was credited to Wham! or just George, it got a Triple Crown, it’s decent blue-eyed soul, it’s got that sax bit, it just lives. Deal with it.
There you go. Back to Britain next time. See you then.
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