The fifth set of first round matchups for our playoff of oddness. Mostly children and animals.
THE BEEF CHOW MEIN AND RED ROSES BOWL
“Werewolves of London,” Warren Zevon, 1978
vs. “You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth,” Meat Loaf, 1978
Two tunes with lupine references. First, Chicago singer-songwriter Zevon went to #21 with his rock classic about the lifestyles of British lycanthropes. Then, the Loaf got to #39 with another Bat Out of Hell epic,, one that opens with a spoken word introduction about offering oneself up to a wolf bearing flowers.
Final Score: Werewolves 41, Words 7. An easy win for Zevon’s team, whose capacity for violence intimidated their opponents into silence. After the game, the Werewolves removes their helmets. And their hair was perfect.
THE ORNITHOLOGY BOWL
“Tennessee Birdwalk,” Jack Blanchard and Misty Morgan, 1970
vs. “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep,” Mac and Katie Kissoon, 1971
A matchup for the birds. First, married country singers Blanchard and Morgan went to #23 with a song that imagines a world where birds lack feathers, wings, the ability to sing, trees to perch in, bird baths to wash in, and the common sense to fly south for the winter. It isn’t pretty. Then, the Trinidadian Kissoon siblings made it to #20 with an upbeat song about an abandoned baby bird.
Final Score: Tennessee 49, Chirpy 3. The Blanchard/Morgan outfit won with an effective but bizarre strategy. They wore nothing but underwear, smelled like they hadn’t showered in weeks, and called signals at the line in a hoarse whisper. They weren’t able to do much through through the air, but their ground game was very effective, and the Kissoon squad was left crying for their mamas.
THE PAINFULLY CUTE BOWL
“Long Haired Lover from Liverpool,” Little Jimmy Osmond, 1972
vs. “Save Your Kisses for Me,” Brotherhood of Man, 1976
Two silly kiddie ditties that were #1s in Britain but not quite so big in the U.S. First, the youngest of Utah’s foremost musical siblings took a banjo-driven love lark to #38. Four years later, an English group went to #27 with a sappy song of devotion that sounds like it’s directed at a lover, but is actually being sung to a three-year-old.
Final Score: Brotherhood 6, Jimmy 0. The action, what there was of it, was so nauseating to watch that no one was in the stands by the end. Apparently the Brotherhood scored the only touchdown on a late trick play, and it was agreed by all involved to just end things there.
THE CANDY DISH...ER, BOWL
“The Candy Man,” Sammy Davis Jr., 1972
vs. “Playground in My Mind,” Clint Holmes, 1973
A pair of confectionary concoctions. First, Rat Packer Davis has his only #1 with his version of an ode to sweet treats originally written for the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Then, Buffalo singer Holmes went to #2 with a tune about lost childhood, a time when having money to buy a lot of candy was a high point of life.
Final Score: Candy 31, Playground 5. Holmes probably saw himself winning on the gridiron of his imagination, but on the real thing, he got slaughtered. His bench consisted of one kid named Michael, while his opponents were backed up by a whole (Mike Curb) Congregation. And the Candy Men’s coach/quarterback Davis proved himself capable of miracles, like taking weather phenomena and making them edible. Yes, they can move on to the next round.
THE ALL THE GIRLS AND BOYS HAVE FOUND NEW TOYS BOWL
“School’s Out,” Alice Cooper, 1972
vs. “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” Wings, 1972
Two songs about disruptions in halls of education. First, Alice went to #7 with a song that imagines the permanent destruction of a learning institution. Later that same year, Paul McCartney got to #28 with an interpretation of the 19th Century nursery rhyme about a girl whose pet sheep follow her to class.
Final Score: Alice 21, Mary 20. A close one, McCartney’s choice of an old and simple playbook was startling at first, but in the end he just ran those plays in a halfhearted way, allowing the more aggressive Cooper team to get the win late, After the game, it was Alice who had a little lamb...with mint jelly and mashed potatoes.
THE DOG BOWL
“Your Bulldog Drinks Champagne,” Jim Stafford, 1975
vs, “Shannon,” Henry Gross, 1976
A canine collision. First, Stafford went to #24 with a song about him spying on a woman who likes to share sparkling wine with her pet. Then, Brooklyn native Gross made it to #6 with a song about the passing of a beloved dog, inspired by the death of Beach Boy Carl Wilson’s Irish setter.
Final Score: Champagne 19, Shannon 0. Stafford’s team may have been inebriated, but they played with spirit, easily prevailing over an opponent whose performance could best be described as lifeless.
THE CREEPY CRAWLIES BOWL
“Funky Worm,” The Ohio Players, 1973
vs. “Spiders and Snakes,” Jim Stafford, 1974
Two songs about creatures that often gross people out. Midwestern funksters The Ohio Players got to #15 with a song about a grandmother introducing a talent booker to her discovery: an invertebrate with amazing musical talent. Meanwhile, Jim Stafford is back again, this time with a song about how he likes to woo women by presenting them with slimy organisms. This one got to #3.
Final Score: Worm 37, Snakes 24. Both teams had very successful ground games, but the Players funk was too much for the Stafford team. One wonders if Jimmy might be spreading himself too thin with all his entries in this tournament.
THE FROG BOWL
“Joy to the World,” Three Dog Night, 1971
vs. “Rainbow Connection,” Kermit the Frog, 1979
A couple numbers featuring amphibians of the order Anura. First, 3DN had a #1 with a fun rocker that gave the world the image of a wine-drinking bullfrog named Jeremiah. Then, Jim Henson sings a song about dreams and aspirations in the voice of his most famous Muppet character, reaching #25 in the process.
Final Score: Rainbow 27, World 13. Kermit’s team included a bear who could stun opponents with the lameness of his jokes, a hard-hitting pig, and a creature of unknown origin whose air attack could best be described as “gonzo.” Jeremiah was too much of a straight shooting son of a gun to cope with all that craziness.
THE QUACK ATTACK BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs. “Disco Duck,” Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots, 1976
A war of waterfowl. First, Jim Henson returns, this time voicing Bert’s Sesame Street roommate with a tribute to his favourite bath time companion. The song got to #16. Then, Memphis DJ Dees picked up a surprise #1 with a song about how music transforms him into a funky mallard.
Final Score: Rubber 35, Disco 21. Ernie’s team had more spring in their step, but the Dees side kept held their own with fancy footwork until it began to rain in the second half. Naturally, the Duckies were better suited to handling wet conditions.
THE RODENTS BOTH ALIVE AND DEAD BOWL
“Dead Skunk,” Loudon Wainwright III, 1972
vs. “Muskrat Love,” The Captain and Tennille, 1976
Two songs about furry creatures at different stages of their life cycles. North Carolinian Wainwright went to #16 with a jaunty ditty about the most pungent form of roadkill. Meanwhile, L.A. Couple Daryl and Toni went to #4 with a tune about the surprisingly humanish mating habits of muskrats Susie and Sam.
Final Score: Muskrat 6, Skunk 0. The skunk team showed up in no condition to play. The Muskrats scored on the first play, and the referee, seeing that continuing was pointless, declared the contest over. I’m told that there was more scoring after the game, but I don’t want to think about that, and I don’t think you do either.
THE GREAT WHITE MENACE BOWL
“Mr. Jaws,” Dickie Goodman, 1975
vs. “Fins,” Jimmy Buffett, 1979
A shark showdown. First, break-in record artiste Goodman went to #4 by re-enacting Steven Spielberg's first blockbuster with clips of hits by the Eagles, James Taylor, Olivia Newton-John, the Bee Gees, and more. Then, the king of the Parrotheads got as high as #35 with a tune about comparing a woman being hit on by multiple men to a small fish pursued by ocean predators.
Final Score: Jaws 45. Fins 12. Buffett's song may now have been repurposed as a theme for the NFL's Miami Dolphins, but those players were nowhere to be found, and his team got chewed up and spit out. Meanwhile, Goodman gave a postgame interview, and here are some of the highlights:
Coach Goodman, your team was dominant both in the air and on the ground. Is there anything you feel they did wrong?
"fooled around and fell in love."
I see. And what did you say to your quarterback when you embraced him at the end of the game?
"Your love is like a rollercoaster baby baby, I wanna ride."
You shook hands with Coach Buffett before he went to the locker room. Did you say anything to him?
"Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan."
And did he say anything to you?
"Let's just kiss and say goodbye."
Coach Goodman, I've heard that you are going to hold a team practice tomorrow. What will that be like?
"Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight."
A very interesting approach. One more question, Coach. What do you expect your team to do in the next round?
"Take it to the limit..."
Thank you, Coach.
"...take it to the limit..."
That's enough, Coach.
"...take it to the limit..."
Coach?
"...one more time."
DICKIE!!!
Oh, he's done. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog post.
THE KIDS WHO REALLY LOVE THEIR PETS BOWL
“Ben,” Michael Jackson, 1972
vs. “Wildfire,” Michael Murphey, 1975
Two tracks about unusually strong bonds between children and animals. One Michael had a #1 with an almost romantic ballad from a horror film about a young boy who befriends a rat with a penchant for violence. Meanwhile, a different Michael went to #3 with a country-folk number about a young girl who died chasing her runaway pony. And apparently both are now ghosts who may or may not carry off disenchanted farmers to better places.
Final Score: Wildfire 21, Ben 19. Killer rodents versus ghosts was always going to make for an intriguing matchup, Brutality versus escapability. In the end, Murphey's team had too much horsepower, and Jackson's squad couldn't catch them. They do need to look some more for a win.
THE KIDS AND DOGS IN FANTASY WORLDS BOWL
“Me and My Arrow,” Nilsson, 1971
vs. “Themes from The Wizard of Oz,” Meco, 1978
I don’t think I need to explain this matchup further. First, Harry Nilsson went to #34 with a song from a film he wrote about a boy who has a round head who lives in a land full of pointy-headed people. Arrow is his dog’s name. Then, Pennsylvanian Meco Menardo got to #35 with a disco medley of “Over the Rainbow” and “We’re Off to See the Wizard” from the beloved 1939 musical about the adventures of a Kansas farm girl and her little dog Toto.
Final Score: Wizard 56, Arrow 14. The Oz crew were thought to lack the guts, heart, and intelligence to win, but before the game they were all given some unusual red cleats, and when they got on the field, they seemed to be able to reach the end zone with ease, appearing there as if by some sort of magic. You could almost say they made it their home.
THE STUFFED LOVE BOWL
“Teddy Bear Song,” Barbara Fairchild, 1973
vs. “Teddy Bear,” Red Sovine, 1976
Two country songs that reference the variety of stuffed animal popularized at the start of the 20th century and named for President Theodore Roosevelt. First, Arkansas native Fairchild made it to #32 with a song about wishing she could be a stuffed animal, unable to feel pain or have her heart broken. Then, West Virginian Sovine got to #40 with a sentimental story song about a trucker who responds to a CB call from a crippled boy whose trucker father died in an accident and is one of many who respond to his request for rides in eighteen wheelers.
Final Score: Red 45, Fairchild 0. Barbara may have wanted her team to be cool and emotionless, but Sovine’s squad would not stop talking about that little boy every chance they got, and by the end of the game, their opponents were an emotional wreck.
THE FURRY FRIENDS BOWL
“Wolf Creek Pass,” C.W. McCall, 1975
vs. “Year of the Cat,” Al Stewart, 1977
Two songs with four-legged mammals in their titles. Ad man-turned-country singer William Fries got to #40 with a tale of an eventful trucking run hauling a trailer full of chickens. Meanwhile, Brit Stewart got to #8 with a languid pop-rocker about a man who visits a foreign country and has a memorable tryst with an exotic lady.
Final Score: Wolf 34, Cat 13. McCall’s team played with reckless urgency, while Stewart’s side were so laid back they almost felt like tourists on the field. In the end, the Cat got run over by a truck, figuratively at least.
THE HARLEQUINS AND TEARS BOWL
“Send in the Clowns,” Judy Collins, 1975
vs. “Don’t Cry Out Loud,” Melissa Manchester, 1979
Two sad songs that mention funny men in makeup. Folkie Collins reached #19 with a song from the Stephen Sondheim musical A Little Night Music in which a character laments that love makes fools of us all. Meanwhile, New Yorker Manchester made it to #10 with a song that celebrates emotional repression using multiple circus metaphors, including, of course, clowns.
Final Score: Clowns 17, Cry 3. Manchester’s team was just too restrained. They even remained impassive after the game, saying only, “Remember, we almost had it all.” But where are the Clowns? The next round, that’s where.
We’re back to Canada next time. See you then.
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