July 1988. Rising star Paul Gascoigne transfers from Newcastle to Tottenham Hotspur for a record £2.2 million. And these forty singles were being transferred from shops to consumers for much less.
40 - “Car Wash/Is it Love You’re After,” Rose Royce
A single containing two previous Top Twenty hits made the Top Teenty itself. The A is the classic automobile-cleansing movie theme; the latter a funk workout that had just been heavily sampled for S’Express’ #1 “Theme from S’Express.” This would certainly have been excellent value for money.
39 - “Chains of Love,” Erasure
The sixth hit for the duo of ex-Depeche Mode and Yazoo man Vince Clarke and singer Andy Bell was this jaunty synth-dance-pop number about finding refuge in romance. It was their first single to cross the Atlantic, and I still rate it as one of their best.
38 - “You Came,” Kim Wilde
Kimmie’s fourth solo Top Five was this breezy dance pop about a life-altering relationship. Her performance makes it better than it should be.
37 - “Got to be Certain,” Kylie Minogue
Kylie’s second hit was this Stock/Aitken/Waterman confection about looking for a sure thing. And a sure thing was what she was establishing herself as, as her first seven U.K. hits would all hit either #1 or #2.
36 - “Fiesta,” The Pogues
The Celtic punks’ fourth hit was this Latin-tinged raveup inspired by a festival in AlmerÃa, Spain. There are references to macaroni, bingo, some kind of voodooesque doll, and the marriage of former bassist Cait O’Riordan to Elvis Costello. It’s a whole drunken night out in four minutes. Whether you’re a rambling boy of pleasure, a lady of easy leisure, or neither, you’re bound to love this one,
35 - “With a Little Help From My Friends/She’s Leaving Home,” Wet Wet Wet/Billy Bragg with Cara Tivey
A charity single for a youth help phone service called Childline, featuring two covers from the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. First, the Scots’ sophistipoppers take on the Ringo-led ode to loyalty and intoxication. Then, folkie Bragg and pianist Tivey perform Paul’s tale of a teenage runaway, told from the points of view of the girl and her parents. Both versions are musically faithful, but Bragg seems more invested. But the most important thing is that it went to #1 and raised a lot of money.
34 - “In My Dreams,” Will Downing
The second of three hits for this New York soul singer was this midtempo romantic smoothie. From this, I rate him as a better version of James Ingram.
33 - “You Have Placed a Chill itn My Heart,” Eurythmics
Another one from Dave and Annie, this one being a strident, beat-heavy number about trying to leave a bad relationship. They have quite a few songs that I feel should have bigger than they were, and this is one, even it did go Top Twenty.
32 - “Everlasting,” Natalie Cole
Nat King’s princess had just her third hit here with this pop-soul bit about finding permanent love. Generic. She didn’t have her father’s gift of elevating mediocrity. But very few do.
31 - “Don’t Believe the Hype,” Public Enemy
The third hit for the Long Island hip-hop groundbreakers was this pounding jam about being mischaracterized by mainstream media. Basically, it’s a funkier, more realistic, and just plain better version of Donald Trump’s Twitter feed.
30 - “All Fired Up,” Pat Benatar
The last of a mere three U.K. Top 40s for the rock Queen was this inspirational pump-up rocker. I just love this, and I can’t account for why. It just makes me want to do shit.
29 - “Heat it Up,” Wee Pappa Girl Rappers
The first of two hits by former Feargal Sharkey backup singers Sandra and Samantha Lawrence was this rap-house track. The rhymes are okay, the sisters have decent flow, and it all adds up to okay, nothing more.
28 - “Tomorrow People,” Ziggy Marley and the Melody Makers
This group, composed of Bob Marley’s four oldest children and led by eldest son Ziggy, had their biggest hit with this breezy reggae warning to always have love in your heart. More children of a legend with a long shadow over them, and they respond by just seeming loose and confident in what they’re doing. And it works.
27 - “Doctorin’ the Tardis,” The Timelords
Before most of their success as the KLF, pop pranksters Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty scored a #1 with this mashup of the theme from the British sci-fi institution Doctor Who and Gary Glitter’s “Rock and Roll Part Two.” Just more of the mad genius you get from the guys who actually burned a million pounds in cash.
26 - “Voyage Voyage,” Desireless
French singe Claudie Fritsch-Mentrop had her biggest international hit by singing in her native tongue about traveling around the world over dance beats. Not quite as much of a trip as the title promises.
25 - “Follow the Leader,” Eric B. and Rakim
New Yorkers Eric Barrier and William Griffin Jr. would create one of the most respected and revered rap catalogues during their short seven-year partnership, and they even managed three pop hits here, the last being this funk bomb. The bass shakes you, the groove moves you, and Rakim’s flow and wordplay will melt your brain. This is as good as rap gets. Everyone else is indeed following, to some extent.
24 - “Never Tear Us Apart,” INXS
The great rock ballad of the decade only got this high here. That is so wrong. So much wine could be made from my tears over this.
23 - “There’s More to Love,” The Communards
Ex-Bronski Beat frontman Jimmy Somerville named his next band after 1870s French socialists, and they sold pretty well to the masses, scoring nine Top 40s. The last one was this poppy declaration that “there’s more to love than boy meets girl.” A subtle but unmistakable message. Somerville was a master of sweetening the medicine.
22 - “Maybe (We Should Call it A Day),” Hazell Dean
The fourth hit for this Essex lady was this SAW creation about pondering a breakup. Okay, but just like with a lot of these, I find myself wondering if Kylie would do it better, and this one is an easy yes.
21 - “I Will Be with You,” T’Pau
The fifth hit for the Shropshireans named for a Vulcan was this power ballad about lasting devotion. Well short of the high standards set by “Heart and Soul” and “China in Your Hand.”
In Part Two: Girls, boys, kids, bros, and let’s throw in a monkey.
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Thursday, July 26, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 July 7, 1979 Part Two
The rest.
20 - “Maybe,” Thom Pace
Idaho singer Pace had his one shining moment with this theme to the The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams, a 1974 film and subsequent TV series about a fugitive-turned-mountain man. The song is a faux-Bread blandwich about living free and loving nature. The low energy of the piece renders the singer’s name ironic.
19 - “Theme from The Deer Hunter,” The Shadows
The Cliff Richard backers-turned-instrumental institution scored their final Top Ten with a version of “Cavatina,” a classical guitar piece written by Stanley Myers that was used as a main theme in the 1978 Robert De Niro/Christopher Walken Oscar winner about Vietnam and Russian roulette. This version isn’t much to my ears. It might be nice to hear someone else give it a go.
18 - “Go West,” The Village People
The cotstumed disco purveyors scored their third Brit hit with this call to head for warmer and more tolerant climes. It actually seems restrained compared to the Pet Shop Boys’ 1994 cover, but still, one of the cornerstones of their catalogue.
17 - “We are Family,” Sister Sledge
The Sledges’ enduring anthem. Never fails to move me. And I’m proud that Canada came through with the #1 it deserved.
16 - “Cavatina,” John Williams
Here’s the original 1970 recorded version by an Australian who isn’t the guy who composes all of Steven Spielberg’s scores. This one is definitely better. Good ambient music for relaxation. Not sure how it works for a film built around gambling with guns, though.
15 - “H.A.P.P.Y. Radio,” Edwin Starr
Nine years after railing against “War,” Starr picked up two more Top Tens, the second being this effervescent soul-pop jam about a fictional radio station that just plays music that inspires joy. It won me over as a hypothetical listener.
14 - “Who Were You With in the Moonlight,” Dollar
The duo’s second hit was this slick pop tune about jealousy. On the OMYAM exchange, it’s valued at 40 cents.
13 - “Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now,” McFadden and Whitehead
Gene and John’s disco perennial was biggest here, reaching #5. Irrepressible positivity funk.
12 - “Living on the Front Line,” Eddy Grant
The first hit for the Guyana-born Brit was this anti-war reggae jam. Great groove, conscious lyric, good good stuff.
11 - “Sunday Girl,” Blondie
Debbie Harry and co.’s second #1 was this snappy rocker about a lonely dreamer of a lady. She sings the second half in French, and you immediately want to become bilingual. For my money, no female pop singer has done sexy better.
10 - “Dance Away,” Roxy Music
Roxy’s fifth Top Ten was this slick, sophisticated number about boogieing the blues away. This is where they started to morph into the ultimate prom band for cool kids.
9 - “C’mon Everybody,” The Sex Pistols
The band’s seventh and final Top Ten, and their second Sid Vicious-sung Eddie Cochran cover. It’s kind of poignant to hear the recently deceased Vicious sing about more innocently rebellious youthful pleasures than the ones that led to his demise.
8 - “Boogie Wonderland,” Earth Wind and Fire and The Emotions
The fantastic funk summit between the masters and the fabulous vocal trio. Wherever this place is, I wanna go.
7 - “The Lone Ranger,” Quantum Jump
Three years after its initial release, this proto-synthpop number made the Top Ten with the help of airplay by popular DJ Kenny Everett. The song caused some controversy with its hint of a sexual relationship between the cowboy hero and his Native American companion Tonto, but hey, it gets lonely on the range. The band didn’t do much after this, but keyboardist Rupert Hine would be a prolific producer to the stars for the next two decades.
6 - “Light My Fire/137 Disco Heaven,” Amii Stewart
Washingtonian Stewart followed up her smash cover of Eddie Floyd’s “Knock on Wood” with a medley comprised of the Doors’ 1967 classic and a song whose lyrics mainly consist of the title phrase. The kind of thing that worked at Studio 54, incorporating a hit from the club goers’ youths with the modern sound. If cocaine was a movie, Stewart’s two biggest hits would be centrepieces of the soundtrack.
5 - “Night Owl,” Gerry Rafferty
The second of the Scot’s two English Top Fives was this pop-rocker about futilely searching for comfort in bars and nightclubs. It sucks that this wasn’t a single in North America, because it’s a terrific companion piece to “Baker Street.”
4 - “Ring My Bell,” Anita Ward
Memphian Ward only had one hit, but it was this Triple Crown-winning disco come-on. It’s kind of annoying when used in Walmart commercials, but out of that context, it still holds up.
3 - “Silly Games,” Janet Kay
Willesden’s Janet Kay Bogle had her one big success with this reggae ballad that helped define the genre known as “lovers’ rock.” I find her voice annoying on this. It would seem more suited for someone with a lower, more sultry voice, but that could be just personal preference.
2 - “Up the Junction,” Squeeze
The clever New Wavers followed up their #2 “Cool for Cats” by getting there again with this story song about a guy who meets a girl, falls in love, and has a child. Then he becomes resentful and spends all his time drinking and gambling, and his lover and daughter move out, leaving him lonely and regretful. It’s a tale told briskly and wittily to a very infectiousmelody. One of the great pop songs of all time, period.
1 - “Are ‘Friends’ Electric,” Tubeway Army
Before his solo success, New Wave pioneer Gary Numan fronted this band, who had one huge hit with this synthpop/rock mix about having androids for companions. This was apparently inspired by the book that the movie Blade Runner was based on. Shockingly, I’ve never seen it. But if it’s as awesome as this song, I really should.
Back again soon. You can check the Facebook page for when, and look at that, I’m tweeting again. Both are @MrBGlovehead. Thanks for reading.
20 - “Maybe,” Thom Pace
Idaho singer Pace had his one shining moment with this theme to the The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams, a 1974 film and subsequent TV series about a fugitive-turned-mountain man. The song is a faux-Bread blandwich about living free and loving nature. The low energy of the piece renders the singer’s name ironic.
19 - “Theme from The Deer Hunter,” The Shadows
The Cliff Richard backers-turned-instrumental institution scored their final Top Ten with a version of “Cavatina,” a classical guitar piece written by Stanley Myers that was used as a main theme in the 1978 Robert De Niro/Christopher Walken Oscar winner about Vietnam and Russian roulette. This version isn’t much to my ears. It might be nice to hear someone else give it a go.
18 - “Go West,” The Village People
The cotstumed disco purveyors scored their third Brit hit with this call to head for warmer and more tolerant climes. It actually seems restrained compared to the Pet Shop Boys’ 1994 cover, but still, one of the cornerstones of their catalogue.
17 - “We are Family,” Sister Sledge
The Sledges’ enduring anthem. Never fails to move me. And I’m proud that Canada came through with the #1 it deserved.
16 - “Cavatina,” John Williams
Here’s the original 1970 recorded version by an Australian who isn’t the guy who composes all of Steven Spielberg’s scores. This one is definitely better. Good ambient music for relaxation. Not sure how it works for a film built around gambling with guns, though.
15 - “H.A.P.P.Y. Radio,” Edwin Starr
Nine years after railing against “War,” Starr picked up two more Top Tens, the second being this effervescent soul-pop jam about a fictional radio station that just plays music that inspires joy. It won me over as a hypothetical listener.
14 - “Who Were You With in the Moonlight,” Dollar
The duo’s second hit was this slick pop tune about jealousy. On the OMYAM exchange, it’s valued at 40 cents.
13 - “Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now,” McFadden and Whitehead
Gene and John’s disco perennial was biggest here, reaching #5. Irrepressible positivity funk.
12 - “Living on the Front Line,” Eddy Grant
The first hit for the Guyana-born Brit was this anti-war reggae jam. Great groove, conscious lyric, good good stuff.
11 - “Sunday Girl,” Blondie
Debbie Harry and co.’s second #1 was this snappy rocker about a lonely dreamer of a lady. She sings the second half in French, and you immediately want to become bilingual. For my money, no female pop singer has done sexy better.
10 - “Dance Away,” Roxy Music
Roxy’s fifth Top Ten was this slick, sophisticated number about boogieing the blues away. This is where they started to morph into the ultimate prom band for cool kids.
9 - “C’mon Everybody,” The Sex Pistols
The band’s seventh and final Top Ten, and their second Sid Vicious-sung Eddie Cochran cover. It’s kind of poignant to hear the recently deceased Vicious sing about more innocently rebellious youthful pleasures than the ones that led to his demise.
8 - “Boogie Wonderland,” Earth Wind and Fire and The Emotions
The fantastic funk summit between the masters and the fabulous vocal trio. Wherever this place is, I wanna go.
7 - “The Lone Ranger,” Quantum Jump
Three years after its initial release, this proto-synthpop number made the Top Ten with the help of airplay by popular DJ Kenny Everett. The song caused some controversy with its hint of a sexual relationship between the cowboy hero and his Native American companion Tonto, but hey, it gets lonely on the range. The band didn’t do much after this, but keyboardist Rupert Hine would be a prolific producer to the stars for the next two decades.
6 - “Light My Fire/137 Disco Heaven,” Amii Stewart
Washingtonian Stewart followed up her smash cover of Eddie Floyd’s “Knock on Wood” with a medley comprised of the Doors’ 1967 classic and a song whose lyrics mainly consist of the title phrase. The kind of thing that worked at Studio 54, incorporating a hit from the club goers’ youths with the modern sound. If cocaine was a movie, Stewart’s two biggest hits would be centrepieces of the soundtrack.
5 - “Night Owl,” Gerry Rafferty
The second of the Scot’s two English Top Fives was this pop-rocker about futilely searching for comfort in bars and nightclubs. It sucks that this wasn’t a single in North America, because it’s a terrific companion piece to “Baker Street.”
4 - “Ring My Bell,” Anita Ward
Memphian Ward only had one hit, but it was this Triple Crown-winning disco come-on. It’s kind of annoying when used in Walmart commercials, but out of that context, it still holds up.
3 - “Silly Games,” Janet Kay
Willesden’s Janet Kay Bogle had her one big success with this reggae ballad that helped define the genre known as “lovers’ rock.” I find her voice annoying on this. It would seem more suited for someone with a lower, more sultry voice, but that could be just personal preference.
2 - “Up the Junction,” Squeeze
The clever New Wavers followed up their #2 “Cool for Cats” by getting there again with this story song about a guy who meets a girl, falls in love, and has a child. Then he becomes resentful and spends all his time drinking and gambling, and his lover and daughter move out, leaving him lonely and regretful. It’s a tale told briskly and wittily to a very infectiousmelody. One of the great pop songs of all time, period.
1 - “Are ‘Friends’ Electric,” Tubeway Army
Before his solo success, New Wave pioneer Gary Numan fronted this band, who had one huge hit with this synthpop/rock mix about having androids for companions. This was apparently inspired by the book that the movie Blade Runner was based on. Shockingly, I’ve never seen it. But if it’s as awesome as this song, I really should.
Back again soon. You can check the Facebook page for when, and look at that, I’m tweeting again. Both are @MrBGlovehead. Thanks for reading.
Thursday, July 19, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 July 7, 1979
July 1979. Britain grants independence to the Gilbert Islands in Micronesia, which then become the Republic of Kiribati. None of the new nation’s te kainikamaen folk music made it onto this week’s chart. Here’s what did.
40 - “Head Over Heels in Love,” Kevin Keegan
Born in Doncaster in 1951, Keegan was one of England’s most famous footballers in the 70s, known for both the trophies he brought to Liverpool and his distinctively permed hair. At this point, he was plying his day trade in Hamburg, Germany, but he spent part of the offseason collaborating with Chris Norman and Pete Spencer of Smokie on this heavily orchestrated love song. It’s the musical equivalent of blasting a penalty ten feet over the bar. It got to #31 here, but the Germans put it into the Top Ten. Perhaps there’s a correlation between curly-haired English speakers and Teutonic pop success. Call it the Hasselhoff effect.
Oh, and this is as good a time as any to comment on England’s World Cup performance. As individuals, Harry Kane and Jordan Pickford established themeselves as truly elite talents. As a team, they broke their shootout curse against Colombia, but they did go out in a familiar way in the semis: going a goal up early only to be equalized later and eventually beaten. All in all though, they did more than was expected from such a young squad, Gareth Southgate is now a beloved hero instead of the tragic figure of 1996, and 2022 looks like a year where, as they say, football just might come home.
39 - “Bad Girls,” Donna Summer
The Queen’s disco evergreen about naughty ladies was denied a Triple Crown here. It didn’t even make the Top Ten. I blow my whistle and show the Brits a yellow card for this offense.
38 - “Old Siam, Sir,” Paul McCartney and Wings
Macca is here with a silly rock song about a Thai lady who goes to Britain to find a man. It’s becoming clear that 1979 was Paul’s worst creative year.
37 - “Shine a Little Love,”Electric Light Orchestra
ELO’s tenth Top Ten. A symphony of danceable pop-rock. Maybe the closest competitor to “Mr. Blue Sky” among their crowning glories.
36 - “Chuck E.’s in Love,” Rickie Lee Jones
The Chicagoan’s classic jazz-blues groove was Top Five at home, but shockingly only got to #18 here. Britain usually rallies behind the cool and strange, but not this time.
35 - “(The World is Full Of) Married Men,” Bonnie Tyler
Bonnie’s first hit since “It’s a Heartache” was this disco warning against getting involved with betrothed males that served as the title song for a film based on a 1968 Jackie Collins novel about the struggles of working class coal miners. Or the sex lives of the rich and powerful. I forget which. Anyway, kind of a dud. Bette Midler did it better.
34 - “Death Disco,” Public Image Ltd.
PiL’s second hit was apparently a response to a request from his dying mother to write a disco song for her funeral. It’s a howl of pain with jagged guitar penetrating the dance groove. Johnny Rotten was keeping up the punk revolt, just on another front.
33 - “Strangle Hold,” UK Subs
The first hit for the London pub punks was this fast rocker about being in the grip of love. They sound like The Clash with less on their mind here. That seems to be a consensus opinion of their whole career.
32 - “Breakfast in America,” Supertramp
The ‘Tramp’s second and last home Top Ten was this poppy jaunt about a man with a boring life and a plain girlfriend dreaming of a glamorous life in the USA. An extremely hard-to-shake earworm.
31 - “Space Bass,” Slick
Cosmic disco-funk from a Philly outfit featuring members of Fat Larry’s Band. High-quality rump-shaking inspiration, and it will always be, even in the year 3000.
30 - “Born to be Alive,” Patrick Hernandez
The French one-hitter’s none-more-disco chestnut was #10 here, #16 in the States, and...#1 in Canada?! Whoa. Not so sure about that one. But I wonder, if I were to say that this song’s title sounds like it was written by Captain Obvious, could I get thi site a sponsorship from a certain accommodation website? Worth a try.
29 - “Girls Talk,” Dave Edmunds
Edmunds’ court and final Top Ten was this bit of cleverness from Elvis Costello about the travails of romance. Impossible to not love.
28 - “Lady Lynda,’ The Beach Boys
The Boys scored their first Top Ten in nine years with this midtempo ballad sung by Al Jardine to his then-wife. It’s kind of yacht-rocky, and that’s not really my thing. But the arrangement lifts it into my like column. And maybe it also has something to do with the fact that I have my own Lady Lynda.
27 - “Wanted,” The Dooleys
The biggest hit by this family group was this ABBA-style disco pop tune about desire. I have to admit, this one is good enough to compete with the masters.
26 - “Do Anything You Want To,” Thin Lizzy
This one bears some musical similarities to “The Boys are Back in Town,” but it’s pretty good in and of itself, with lyrics about not letting anyone stop you from doing your thing. The mention of Elvis’ death at the end, complete with a Phil Lynott Presley impersonation, is a little out of nowhere, but it just adds a bit of charm.
25 - “Masquerade,” Skids
The second hit for these Scottish punks was this song that seems to be about the futility of war. It namedrops Guernica, the site of a 1937 bombing raid during the Spanish Civil War that inspired one of Pablo Picasso’s most famous paintings. The song’s not quite that iconic, but it’s very good.
24 - “Gertcha,” Chas and Dave
The first hit for the inventors of “rockney” was this song about a man’s father and his use of the titular exclamation of displeasure, often in tandem with the epithet “cowson.” One of the things that is said to provoke this is “When the Poles knock England out the Cup.” I assume the same would apply to the Croats.
23 - “Say When,” Lene Lovich
The second hit for the Detroit New Waver is a bouncy number about being sexually assertive and in control. The more I hear of her, the more I’m convinced of her likely influence on Cyndi Lauper.
22 - “Good Times,” Chic
Disco refined and defined. #1 in the States, #2 in Canada, #5 here. The Sugarhill Gang sampled it, Queen nicked it, many more have used it. Clams on the half-shell and roller skates for everyone.
21 - “Babylon’s Burning,” The Ruts
Another punk band with some Clash similarities, these guys picked up their first and biggest hit with this tune about youth rebellion and anxiety. Unlike UK Subs, these guys seem to be genuinely on the same wavelength as their more famous peers, rather than just trying to sound like them.
In Part Two: stay up late to go dancing, or maybe watch an old western rerun.
40 - “Head Over Heels in Love,” Kevin Keegan
Born in Doncaster in 1951, Keegan was one of England’s most famous footballers in the 70s, known for both the trophies he brought to Liverpool and his distinctively permed hair. At this point, he was plying his day trade in Hamburg, Germany, but he spent part of the offseason collaborating with Chris Norman and Pete Spencer of Smokie on this heavily orchestrated love song. It’s the musical equivalent of blasting a penalty ten feet over the bar. It got to #31 here, but the Germans put it into the Top Ten. Perhaps there’s a correlation between curly-haired English speakers and Teutonic pop success. Call it the Hasselhoff effect.
Oh, and this is as good a time as any to comment on England’s World Cup performance. As individuals, Harry Kane and Jordan Pickford established themeselves as truly elite talents. As a team, they broke their shootout curse against Colombia, but they did go out in a familiar way in the semis: going a goal up early only to be equalized later and eventually beaten. All in all though, they did more than was expected from such a young squad, Gareth Southgate is now a beloved hero instead of the tragic figure of 1996, and 2022 looks like a year where, as they say, football just might come home.
39 - “Bad Girls,” Donna Summer
The Queen’s disco evergreen about naughty ladies was denied a Triple Crown here. It didn’t even make the Top Ten. I blow my whistle and show the Brits a yellow card for this offense.
38 - “Old Siam, Sir,” Paul McCartney and Wings
Macca is here with a silly rock song about a Thai lady who goes to Britain to find a man. It’s becoming clear that 1979 was Paul’s worst creative year.
37 - “Shine a Little Love,”Electric Light Orchestra
ELO’s tenth Top Ten. A symphony of danceable pop-rock. Maybe the closest competitor to “Mr. Blue Sky” among their crowning glories.
36 - “Chuck E.’s in Love,” Rickie Lee Jones
The Chicagoan’s classic jazz-blues groove was Top Five at home, but shockingly only got to #18 here. Britain usually rallies behind the cool and strange, but not this time.
35 - “(The World is Full Of) Married Men,” Bonnie Tyler
Bonnie’s first hit since “It’s a Heartache” was this disco warning against getting involved with betrothed males that served as the title song for a film based on a 1968 Jackie Collins novel about the struggles of working class coal miners. Or the sex lives of the rich and powerful. I forget which. Anyway, kind of a dud. Bette Midler did it better.
34 - “Death Disco,” Public Image Ltd.
PiL’s second hit was apparently a response to a request from his dying mother to write a disco song for her funeral. It’s a howl of pain with jagged guitar penetrating the dance groove. Johnny Rotten was keeping up the punk revolt, just on another front.
33 - “Strangle Hold,” UK Subs
The first hit for the London pub punks was this fast rocker about being in the grip of love. They sound like The Clash with less on their mind here. That seems to be a consensus opinion of their whole career.
32 - “Breakfast in America,” Supertramp
The ‘Tramp’s second and last home Top Ten was this poppy jaunt about a man with a boring life and a plain girlfriend dreaming of a glamorous life in the USA. An extremely hard-to-shake earworm.
31 - “Space Bass,” Slick
Cosmic disco-funk from a Philly outfit featuring members of Fat Larry’s Band. High-quality rump-shaking inspiration, and it will always be, even in the year 3000.
30 - “Born to be Alive,” Patrick Hernandez
The French one-hitter’s none-more-disco chestnut was #10 here, #16 in the States, and...#1 in Canada?! Whoa. Not so sure about that one. But I wonder, if I were to say that this song’s title sounds like it was written by Captain Obvious, could I get thi site a sponsorship from a certain accommodation website? Worth a try.
29 - “Girls Talk,” Dave Edmunds
Edmunds’ court and final Top Ten was this bit of cleverness from Elvis Costello about the travails of romance. Impossible to not love.
28 - “Lady Lynda,’ The Beach Boys
The Boys scored their first Top Ten in nine years with this midtempo ballad sung by Al Jardine to his then-wife. It’s kind of yacht-rocky, and that’s not really my thing. But the arrangement lifts it into my like column. And maybe it also has something to do with the fact that I have my own Lady Lynda.
27 - “Wanted,” The Dooleys
The biggest hit by this family group was this ABBA-style disco pop tune about desire. I have to admit, this one is good enough to compete with the masters.
26 - “Do Anything You Want To,” Thin Lizzy
This one bears some musical similarities to “The Boys are Back in Town,” but it’s pretty good in and of itself, with lyrics about not letting anyone stop you from doing your thing. The mention of Elvis’ death at the end, complete with a Phil Lynott Presley impersonation, is a little out of nowhere, but it just adds a bit of charm.
25 - “Masquerade,” Skids
The second hit for these Scottish punks was this song that seems to be about the futility of war. It namedrops Guernica, the site of a 1937 bombing raid during the Spanish Civil War that inspired one of Pablo Picasso’s most famous paintings. The song’s not quite that iconic, but it’s very good.
24 - “Gertcha,” Chas and Dave
The first hit for the inventors of “rockney” was this song about a man’s father and his use of the titular exclamation of displeasure, often in tandem with the epithet “cowson.” One of the things that is said to provoke this is “When the Poles knock England out the Cup.” I assume the same would apply to the Croats.
23 - “Say When,” Lene Lovich
The second hit for the Detroit New Waver is a bouncy number about being sexually assertive and in control. The more I hear of her, the more I’m convinced of her likely influence on Cyndi Lauper.
22 - “Good Times,” Chic
Disco refined and defined. #1 in the States, #2 in Canada, #5 here. The Sugarhill Gang sampled it, Queen nicked it, many more have used it. Clams on the half-shell and roller skates for everyone.
21 - “Babylon’s Burning,” The Ruts
Another punk band with some Clash similarities, these guys picked up their first and biggest hit with this tune about youth rebellion and anxiety. Unlike UK Subs, these guys seem to be genuinely on the same wavelength as their more famous peers, rather than just trying to sound like them.
In Part Two: stay up late to go dancing, or maybe watch an old western rerun.
Sunday, July 15, 2018
...And as Years Go By: CT50 July 14, 1984
The summer of 1984. In Canada, it contained the entire Prime Ministerial reign of John Turner before his humbling by Brian Mulroney in September. While we basked in his charismatic magnetism, we were listening to stuff like this.
Bonus Track: “Boys Just Want to Have Sex,” Exude
This L.A. synthpop group recorded this tongue-in-cheek parody of Cyndi Lauper’s fun breakthrough hit, and after it got significant local airplay, they were signed by the Canadian arm of A&M Records. It was a big hit in Australia, and this week it fell out of the Top 50 here from its peak of #44. Disputes with record labels stunted the song’s success, and later attempts at more serious records fell on deaf ears. But this was their one moment of glory, and while it isn’t very clever, that kind of reinforces the message. A neat artifact.
50 - “Walk Away,” The Box (CanCon!)
Montrealer Jean-Marc Pisapia was in the original lineup of Men Without Hats, and while the band he formed when he left those guys didn’t reach that level of international success, they did manage eight Canadian Top 50s, beginning with this song that features spoken verses describing a woman’s rough work day, from waking up late and missing the bus, to spilling coffee on important paperwork, to ending with getting stuck in traffic. A cool little trifle.
48 - “Young Thing, Wild Dreams (Rock Me),” Red Rider (CanCon!)
The fourth hit for these Torontonians (and last before singer Tom Cochrane got top billing) was this synth-drenched dance rocker about the desire for adventure of some kind. It tries a little too hard to be a hit, in my opinion.
45 - “Boys (Do Fall in Love),” Robin Gibb
The Bee Gee’s last North American solo hit was this New Wavey track that sees him affecting a deeper voice than usual for most of it. I remember not caring for it much at the time, but now, I hear it as a solid, catchy genre piece.
44 - “New Romance,” Holly Woods and Toronto (CanCon!)
The seventh and last hit for this band was this cover of a 1980 U.S. hit for the band Spider. Decent rock, but not in the same league as greater moments like “Your Daddy Don’t Know.”
41 - “Where Do The Boys Go,” Men Without Hats (CanCon!)
The second home hit for the safety dancers was this swirling synthpopper about walking around in circles and pondering the location of young human males. Catchy nonsense at its finest.
39 - “New Girl Now,” Honeymoon Suite (CanCon!)
The first and best hit for the pride of Niagara Falls. Simple, hooky corporate hard rock about fighting off a clingy ex. This could be a template for the songs that made Bon Jovi multiplatinum superstars.
36 - “Meet Me in the Middle,” The Arrows (CanCon!)
The first of a handful of hits for these nondescript Toronto New Wavers is a bouncy rocker about hoping your crush will give you a sign of interest before you go all rushing in like a fool. Appropriately, it’s neither good nor bad in any perceptible way.
30 - “Lovers in a Dangerous Time,” Bruce Cockburn (CanCon!)
The biggest home hit to this point for the socially conscious folk-rocker was this muscular groove-rocker about finding personal connection in a world that seems to be crumbling around you. The loose, jammy Barenaked Ladies cover is more famous now, but this communicates the theme better. And it has one of the great underheard lines in all of rock in “Gotta kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight.”
28 - “High on Emotion,” Chris DeBurgh
This pop-rocker about the exhilaration of romance didn’t make the Top 40 in the U.K. or U.S., but got up to #11 here. I think we got it right. It’s quality radio pop for the time, and infinitely more listenable than the viscous “Lady in Red.”
25 - “Original Sin,” INXS
The Aussies’ first #1 at home is another one the other two Triple Crown nations whiffed on, while we pushed it into the Top 20. It’s got funky production from Nile Rodgers and backing vocals from Daryl Hall, so there was certainly muscle behind it. Did the lyrics that seem to rail against prejudice against interracial couples hinder it in some territories? My hunch is yes.
21 - “Wouldn’t it be Good,” Nik Kershaw
The Brit from Bristol’s first hit was Top Five at home and Top Ten here. A terrific song about wanting to trade places with someone you assume has it easier than you. Not sure how it stayed out of the Top 40 in the States, but it did.
Top Ten in a bed, and the little one said...
10 - “Jump (For My Love),” The Pointer Sisters
The Pointers want you do a trick for their affection. This does make you want to ask how high.
9 - “The Reflex,” Duran Duran
It’s still both ironic and wrong that we denied them a Triple Crown after they made the video for this in Toronto. We bruised it, even after they asked us to try not to.
8 - “Almost Paradise,” Mike Reno and Ann Wilson
The Footloose power ballad teamed the singers of Loverboy and Heart, but even though the former was from Vancouver and the latter lived there for a time, this didn’t qualify as CanCon. If it had, I bet it would have got even higher than #3.
7 - “Eyes Without a Face,” Billy Idol
Billy’s haunting regret ballad was a deserving cross-border Top Ten. Britain held it to #18. Sometimes, they got no human grace.
6 - “Sister Christian,” Night Ranger
We did right by this classic bit of cheesy hypersincerity, pushing it to #1 where it only made #5 at home. This is the defining power ballad of the decade, I don’t care what anybody says.
5 - “Time After Time,” Cyndi Lauper
And now one of the great ballads period. Her first #1 at home, her second here. Britain got it to #3, but that’s okay. If they’re lost and they look, they will find it.
4 - “Dancing in the Dark,” Bruce Springsteen
#2 in the U.S., #3 here, #4 in Britain. Two three four. I think I’ll call that a “Ramones.”
3 - “Let’s Hear it for the Boy,” Deneice Williams
Like I said last time, a cross-border #1 that Britain held a spot short. Still worth cheering about.
2 - “Self Control,” Laura Branigan
Wow, we gave this sultry rocker of forbidden lust the #1 the other two didn’t. And we did the same for “Gloria.” Excessive appreciation for Laura Branigan is a little-known Canadian trait.
And at the top up here way back when was...
1 - “Oh Sherrie,” Steve Perry
Another song that we were alone in taking to the top. Not as proud of this one, but it’s solid pop rock, and Steve does what he does with that voice as well as he ever has. I can at least stand by it.c
Britain is up again next time. Join me then.
Bonus Track: “Boys Just Want to Have Sex,” Exude
This L.A. synthpop group recorded this tongue-in-cheek parody of Cyndi Lauper’s fun breakthrough hit, and after it got significant local airplay, they were signed by the Canadian arm of A&M Records. It was a big hit in Australia, and this week it fell out of the Top 50 here from its peak of #44. Disputes with record labels stunted the song’s success, and later attempts at more serious records fell on deaf ears. But this was their one moment of glory, and while it isn’t very clever, that kind of reinforces the message. A neat artifact.
50 - “Walk Away,” The Box (CanCon!)
Montrealer Jean-Marc Pisapia was in the original lineup of Men Without Hats, and while the band he formed when he left those guys didn’t reach that level of international success, they did manage eight Canadian Top 50s, beginning with this song that features spoken verses describing a woman’s rough work day, from waking up late and missing the bus, to spilling coffee on important paperwork, to ending with getting stuck in traffic. A cool little trifle.
48 - “Young Thing, Wild Dreams (Rock Me),” Red Rider (CanCon!)
The fourth hit for these Torontonians (and last before singer Tom Cochrane got top billing) was this synth-drenched dance rocker about the desire for adventure of some kind. It tries a little too hard to be a hit, in my opinion.
45 - “Boys (Do Fall in Love),” Robin Gibb
The Bee Gee’s last North American solo hit was this New Wavey track that sees him affecting a deeper voice than usual for most of it. I remember not caring for it much at the time, but now, I hear it as a solid, catchy genre piece.
44 - “New Romance,” Holly Woods and Toronto (CanCon!)
The seventh and last hit for this band was this cover of a 1980 U.S. hit for the band Spider. Decent rock, but not in the same league as greater moments like “Your Daddy Don’t Know.”
41 - “Where Do The Boys Go,” Men Without Hats (CanCon!)
The second home hit for the safety dancers was this swirling synthpopper about walking around in circles and pondering the location of young human males. Catchy nonsense at its finest.
39 - “New Girl Now,” Honeymoon Suite (CanCon!)
The first and best hit for the pride of Niagara Falls. Simple, hooky corporate hard rock about fighting off a clingy ex. This could be a template for the songs that made Bon Jovi multiplatinum superstars.
36 - “Meet Me in the Middle,” The Arrows (CanCon!)
The first of a handful of hits for these nondescript Toronto New Wavers is a bouncy rocker about hoping your crush will give you a sign of interest before you go all rushing in like a fool. Appropriately, it’s neither good nor bad in any perceptible way.
30 - “Lovers in a Dangerous Time,” Bruce Cockburn (CanCon!)
The biggest home hit to this point for the socially conscious folk-rocker was this muscular groove-rocker about finding personal connection in a world that seems to be crumbling around you. The loose, jammy Barenaked Ladies cover is more famous now, but this communicates the theme better. And it has one of the great underheard lines in all of rock in “Gotta kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight.”
28 - “High on Emotion,” Chris DeBurgh
This pop-rocker about the exhilaration of romance didn’t make the Top 40 in the U.K. or U.S., but got up to #11 here. I think we got it right. It’s quality radio pop for the time, and infinitely more listenable than the viscous “Lady in Red.”
25 - “Original Sin,” INXS
The Aussies’ first #1 at home is another one the other two Triple Crown nations whiffed on, while we pushed it into the Top 20. It’s got funky production from Nile Rodgers and backing vocals from Daryl Hall, so there was certainly muscle behind it. Did the lyrics that seem to rail against prejudice against interracial couples hinder it in some territories? My hunch is yes.
21 - “Wouldn’t it be Good,” Nik Kershaw
The Brit from Bristol’s first hit was Top Five at home and Top Ten here. A terrific song about wanting to trade places with someone you assume has it easier than you. Not sure how it stayed out of the Top 40 in the States, but it did.
Top Ten in a bed, and the little one said...
10 - “Jump (For My Love),” The Pointer Sisters
The Pointers want you do a trick for their affection. This does make you want to ask how high.
9 - “The Reflex,” Duran Duran
It’s still both ironic and wrong that we denied them a Triple Crown after they made the video for this in Toronto. We bruised it, even after they asked us to try not to.
8 - “Almost Paradise,” Mike Reno and Ann Wilson
The Footloose power ballad teamed the singers of Loverboy and Heart, but even though the former was from Vancouver and the latter lived there for a time, this didn’t qualify as CanCon. If it had, I bet it would have got even higher than #3.
7 - “Eyes Without a Face,” Billy Idol
Billy’s haunting regret ballad was a deserving cross-border Top Ten. Britain held it to #18. Sometimes, they got no human grace.
6 - “Sister Christian,” Night Ranger
We did right by this classic bit of cheesy hypersincerity, pushing it to #1 where it only made #5 at home. This is the defining power ballad of the decade, I don’t care what anybody says.
5 - “Time After Time,” Cyndi Lauper
And now one of the great ballads period. Her first #1 at home, her second here. Britain got it to #3, but that’s okay. If they’re lost and they look, they will find it.
4 - “Dancing in the Dark,” Bruce Springsteen
#2 in the U.S., #3 here, #4 in Britain. Two three four. I think I’ll call that a “Ramones.”
3 - “Let’s Hear it for the Boy,” Deneice Williams
Like I said last time, a cross-border #1 that Britain held a spot short. Still worth cheering about.
2 - “Self Control,” Laura Branigan
Wow, we gave this sultry rocker of forbidden lust the #1 the other two didn’t. And we did the same for “Gloria.” Excessive appreciation for Laura Branigan is a little-known Canadian trait.
And at the top up here way back when was...
1 - “Oh Sherrie,” Steve Perry
Another song that we were alone in taking to the top. Not as proud of this one, but it’s solid pop rock, and Steve does what he does with that voice as well as he ever has. I can at least stand by it.c
Britain is up again next time. Join me then.
Tuesday, July 3, 2018
The Old Man’s Ultimate 70s Uneasy Rider Tournament: Round 1, Part Five
The fifth set of first round matchups for our playoff of oddness. Mostly children and animals.
THE BEEF CHOW MEIN AND RED ROSES BOWL
“Werewolves of London,” Warren Zevon, 1978
vs. “You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth,” Meat Loaf, 1978
Two tunes with lupine references. First, Chicago singer-songwriter Zevon went to #21 with his rock classic about the lifestyles of British lycanthropes. Then, the Loaf got to #39 with another Bat Out of Hell epic,, one that opens with a spoken word introduction about offering oneself up to a wolf bearing flowers.
Final Score: Werewolves 41, Words 7. An easy win for Zevon’s team, whose capacity for violence intimidated their opponents into silence. After the game, the Werewolves removes their helmets. And their hair was perfect.
THE ORNITHOLOGY BOWL
“Tennessee Birdwalk,” Jack Blanchard and Misty Morgan, 1970
vs. “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep,” Mac and Katie Kissoon, 1971
A matchup for the birds. First, married country singers Blanchard and Morgan went to #23 with a song that imagines a world where birds lack feathers, wings, the ability to sing, trees to perch in, bird baths to wash in, and the common sense to fly south for the winter. It isn’t pretty. Then, the Trinidadian Kissoon siblings made it to #20 with an upbeat song about an abandoned baby bird.
Final Score: Tennessee 49, Chirpy 3. The Blanchard/Morgan outfit won with an effective but bizarre strategy. They wore nothing but underwear, smelled like they hadn’t showered in weeks, and called signals at the line in a hoarse whisper. They weren’t able to do much through through the air, but their ground game was very effective, and the Kissoon squad was left crying for their mamas.
THE PAINFULLY CUTE BOWL
“Long Haired Lover from Liverpool,” Little Jimmy Osmond, 1972
vs. “Save Your Kisses for Me,” Brotherhood of Man, 1976
Two silly kiddie ditties that were #1s in Britain but not quite so big in the U.S. First, the youngest of Utah’s foremost musical siblings took a banjo-driven love lark to #38. Four years later, an English group went to #27 with a sappy song of devotion that sounds like it’s directed at a lover, but is actually being sung to a three-year-old.
Final Score: Brotherhood 6, Jimmy 0. The action, what there was of it, was so nauseating to watch that no one was in the stands by the end. Apparently the Brotherhood scored the only touchdown on a late trick play, and it was agreed by all involved to just end things there.
THE CANDY DISH...ER, BOWL
“The Candy Man,” Sammy Davis Jr., 1972
vs. “Playground in My Mind,” Clint Holmes, 1973
A pair of confectionary concoctions. First, Rat Packer Davis has his only #1 with his version of an ode to sweet treats originally written for the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Then, Buffalo singer Holmes went to #2 with a tune about lost childhood, a time when having money to buy a lot of candy was a high point of life.
Final Score: Candy 31, Playground 5. Holmes probably saw himself winning on the gridiron of his imagination, but on the real thing, he got slaughtered. His bench consisted of one kid named Michael, while his opponents were backed up by a whole (Mike Curb) Congregation. And the Candy Men’s coach/quarterback Davis proved himself capable of miracles, like taking weather phenomena and making them edible. Yes, they can move on to the next round.
THE ALL THE GIRLS AND BOYS HAVE FOUND NEW TOYS BOWL
“School’s Out,” Alice Cooper, 1972
vs. “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” Wings, 1972
Two songs about disruptions in halls of education. First, Alice went to #7 with a song that imagines the permanent destruction of a learning institution. Later that same year, Paul McCartney got to #28 with an interpretation of the 19th Century nursery rhyme about a girl whose pet sheep follow her to class.
Final Score: Alice 21, Mary 20. A close one, McCartney’s choice of an old and simple playbook was startling at first, but in the end he just ran those plays in a halfhearted way, allowing the more aggressive Cooper team to get the win late, After the game, it was Alice who had a little lamb...with mint jelly and mashed potatoes.
THE DOG BOWL
“Your Bulldog Drinks Champagne,” Jim Stafford, 1975
vs, “Shannon,” Henry Gross, 1976
A canine collision. First, Stafford went to #24 with a song about him spying on a woman who likes to share sparkling wine with her pet. Then, Brooklyn native Gross made it to #6 with a song about the passing of a beloved dog, inspired by the death of Beach Boy Carl Wilson’s Irish setter.
Final Score: Champagne 19, Shannon 0. Stafford’s team may have been inebriated, but they played with spirit, easily prevailing over an opponent whose performance could best be described as lifeless.
THE CREEPY CRAWLIES BOWL
“Funky Worm,” The Ohio Players, 1973
vs. “Spiders and Snakes,” Jim Stafford, 1974
Two songs about creatures that often gross people out. Midwestern funksters The Ohio Players got to #15 with a song about a grandmother introducing a talent booker to her discovery: an invertebrate with amazing musical talent. Meanwhile, Jim Stafford is back again, this time with a song about how he likes to woo women by presenting them with slimy organisms. This one got to #3.
Final Score: Worm 37, Snakes 24. Both teams had very successful ground games, but the Players funk was too much for the Stafford team. One wonders if Jimmy might be spreading himself too thin with all his entries in this tournament.
THE FROG BOWL
“Joy to the World,” Three Dog Night, 1971
vs. “Rainbow Connection,” Kermit the Frog, 1979
A couple numbers featuring amphibians of the order Anura. First, 3DN had a #1 with a fun rocker that gave the world the image of a wine-drinking bullfrog named Jeremiah. Then, Jim Henson sings a song about dreams and aspirations in the voice of his most famous Muppet character, reaching #25 in the process.
Final Score: Rainbow 27, World 13. Kermit’s team included a bear who could stun opponents with the lameness of his jokes, a hard-hitting pig, and a creature of unknown origin whose air attack could best be described as “gonzo.” Jeremiah was too much of a straight shooting son of a gun to cope with all that craziness.
THE QUACK ATTACK BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs. “Disco Duck,” Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots, 1976
A war of waterfowl. First, Jim Henson returns, this time voicing Bert’s Sesame Street roommate with a tribute to his favourite bath time companion. The song got to #16. Then, Memphis DJ Dees picked up a surprise #1 with a song about how music transforms him into a funky mallard.
Final Score: Rubber 35, Disco 21. Ernie’s team had more spring in their step, but the Dees side kept held their own with fancy footwork until it began to rain in the second half. Naturally, the Duckies were better suited to handling wet conditions.
THE RODENTS BOTH ALIVE AND DEAD BOWL
“Dead Skunk,” Loudon Wainwright III, 1972
vs. “Muskrat Love,” The Captain and Tennille, 1976
Two songs about furry creatures at different stages of their life cycles. North Carolinian Wainwright went to #16 with a jaunty ditty about the most pungent form of roadkill. Meanwhile, L.A. Couple Daryl and Toni went to #4 with a tune about the surprisingly humanish mating habits of muskrats Susie and Sam.
Final Score: Muskrat 6, Skunk 0. The skunk team showed up in no condition to play. The Muskrats scored on the first play, and the referee, seeing that continuing was pointless, declared the contest over. I’m told that there was more scoring after the game, but I don’t want to think about that, and I don’t think you do either.
THE GREAT WHITE MENACE BOWL
“Mr. Jaws,” Dickie Goodman, 1975
vs. “Fins,” Jimmy Buffett, 1979
A shark showdown. First, break-in record artiste Goodman went to #4 by re-enacting Steven Spielberg's first blockbuster with clips of hits by the Eagles, James Taylor, Olivia Newton-John, the Bee Gees, and more. Then, the king of the Parrotheads got as high as #35 with a tune about comparing a woman being hit on by multiple men to a small fish pursued by ocean predators.
Final Score: Jaws 45. Fins 12. Buffett's song may now have been repurposed as a theme for the NFL's Miami Dolphins, but those players were nowhere to be found, and his team got chewed up and spit out. Meanwhile, Goodman gave a postgame interview, and here are some of the highlights:
Coach Goodman, your team was dominant both in the air and on the ground. Is there anything you feel they did wrong?
"fooled around and fell in love."
I see. And what did you say to your quarterback when you embraced him at the end of the game?
"Your love is like a rollercoaster baby baby, I wanna ride."
You shook hands with Coach Buffett before he went to the locker room. Did you say anything to him?
"Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan."
And did he say anything to you?
"Let's just kiss and say goodbye."
Coach Goodman, I've heard that you are going to hold a team practice tomorrow. What will that be like?
"Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight."
A very interesting approach. One more question, Coach. What do you expect your team to do in the next round?
"Take it to the limit..."
Thank you, Coach.
"...take it to the limit..."
That's enough, Coach.
"...take it to the limit..."
Coach?
"...one more time."
DICKIE!!!
Oh, he's done. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog post.
THE KIDS WHO REALLY LOVE THEIR PETS BOWL
“Ben,” Michael Jackson, 1972
vs. “Wildfire,” Michael Murphey, 1975
Two tracks about unusually strong bonds between children and animals. One Michael had a #1 with an almost romantic ballad from a horror film about a young boy who befriends a rat with a penchant for violence. Meanwhile, a different Michael went to #3 with a country-folk number about a young girl who died chasing her runaway pony. And apparently both are now ghosts who may or may not carry off disenchanted farmers to better places.
Final Score: Wildfire 21, Ben 19. Killer rodents versus ghosts was always going to make for an intriguing matchup, Brutality versus escapability. In the end, Murphey's team had too much horsepower, and Jackson's squad couldn't catch them. They do need to look some more for a win.
THE KIDS AND DOGS IN FANTASY WORLDS BOWL
“Me and My Arrow,” Nilsson, 1971
vs. “Themes from The Wizard of Oz,” Meco, 1978
I don’t think I need to explain this matchup further. First, Harry Nilsson went to #34 with a song from a film he wrote about a boy who has a round head who lives in a land full of pointy-headed people. Arrow is his dog’s name. Then, Pennsylvanian Meco Menardo got to #35 with a disco medley of “Over the Rainbow” and “We’re Off to See the Wizard” from the beloved 1939 musical about the adventures of a Kansas farm girl and her little dog Toto.
Final Score: Wizard 56, Arrow 14. The Oz crew were thought to lack the guts, heart, and intelligence to win, but before the game they were all given some unusual red cleats, and when they got on the field, they seemed to be able to reach the end zone with ease, appearing there as if by some sort of magic. You could almost say they made it their home.
THE STUFFED LOVE BOWL
“Teddy Bear Song,” Barbara Fairchild, 1973
vs. “Teddy Bear,” Red Sovine, 1976
Two country songs that reference the variety of stuffed animal popularized at the start of the 20th century and named for President Theodore Roosevelt. First, Arkansas native Fairchild made it to #32 with a song about wishing she could be a stuffed animal, unable to feel pain or have her heart broken. Then, West Virginian Sovine got to #40 with a sentimental story song about a trucker who responds to a CB call from a crippled boy whose trucker father died in an accident and is one of many who respond to his request for rides in eighteen wheelers.
Final Score: Red 45, Fairchild 0. Barbara may have wanted her team to be cool and emotionless, but Sovine’s squad would not stop talking about that little boy every chance they got, and by the end of the game, their opponents were an emotional wreck.
THE FURRY FRIENDS BOWL
“Wolf Creek Pass,” C.W. McCall, 1975
vs. “Year of the Cat,” Al Stewart, 1977
Two songs with four-legged mammals in their titles. Ad man-turned-country singer William Fries got to #40 with a tale of an eventful trucking run hauling a trailer full of chickens. Meanwhile, Brit Stewart got to #8 with a languid pop-rocker about a man who visits a foreign country and has a memorable tryst with an exotic lady.
Final Score: Wolf 34, Cat 13. McCall’s team played with reckless urgency, while Stewart’s side were so laid back they almost felt like tourists on the field. In the end, the Cat got run over by a truck, figuratively at least.
THE HARLEQUINS AND TEARS BOWL
“Send in the Clowns,” Judy Collins, 1975
vs. “Don’t Cry Out Loud,” Melissa Manchester, 1979
Two sad songs that mention funny men in makeup. Folkie Collins reached #19 with a song from the Stephen Sondheim musical A Little Night Music in which a character laments that love makes fools of us all. Meanwhile, New Yorker Manchester made it to #10 with a song that celebrates emotional repression using multiple circus metaphors, including, of course, clowns.
Final Score: Clowns 17, Cry 3. Manchester’s team was just too restrained. They even remained impassive after the game, saying only, “Remember, we almost had it all.” But where are the Clowns? The next round, that’s where.
We’re back to Canada next time. See you then.
THE BEEF CHOW MEIN AND RED ROSES BOWL
“Werewolves of London,” Warren Zevon, 1978
vs. “You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth,” Meat Loaf, 1978
Two tunes with lupine references. First, Chicago singer-songwriter Zevon went to #21 with his rock classic about the lifestyles of British lycanthropes. Then, the Loaf got to #39 with another Bat Out of Hell epic,, one that opens with a spoken word introduction about offering oneself up to a wolf bearing flowers.
Final Score: Werewolves 41, Words 7. An easy win for Zevon’s team, whose capacity for violence intimidated their opponents into silence. After the game, the Werewolves removes their helmets. And their hair was perfect.
THE ORNITHOLOGY BOWL
“Tennessee Birdwalk,” Jack Blanchard and Misty Morgan, 1970
vs. “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep,” Mac and Katie Kissoon, 1971
A matchup for the birds. First, married country singers Blanchard and Morgan went to #23 with a song that imagines a world where birds lack feathers, wings, the ability to sing, trees to perch in, bird baths to wash in, and the common sense to fly south for the winter. It isn’t pretty. Then, the Trinidadian Kissoon siblings made it to #20 with an upbeat song about an abandoned baby bird.
Final Score: Tennessee 49, Chirpy 3. The Blanchard/Morgan outfit won with an effective but bizarre strategy. They wore nothing but underwear, smelled like they hadn’t showered in weeks, and called signals at the line in a hoarse whisper. They weren’t able to do much through through the air, but their ground game was very effective, and the Kissoon squad was left crying for their mamas.
THE PAINFULLY CUTE BOWL
“Long Haired Lover from Liverpool,” Little Jimmy Osmond, 1972
vs. “Save Your Kisses for Me,” Brotherhood of Man, 1976
Two silly kiddie ditties that were #1s in Britain but not quite so big in the U.S. First, the youngest of Utah’s foremost musical siblings took a banjo-driven love lark to #38. Four years later, an English group went to #27 with a sappy song of devotion that sounds like it’s directed at a lover, but is actually being sung to a three-year-old.
Final Score: Brotherhood 6, Jimmy 0. The action, what there was of it, was so nauseating to watch that no one was in the stands by the end. Apparently the Brotherhood scored the only touchdown on a late trick play, and it was agreed by all involved to just end things there.
THE CANDY DISH...ER, BOWL
“The Candy Man,” Sammy Davis Jr., 1972
vs. “Playground in My Mind,” Clint Holmes, 1973
A pair of confectionary concoctions. First, Rat Packer Davis has his only #1 with his version of an ode to sweet treats originally written for the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Then, Buffalo singer Holmes went to #2 with a tune about lost childhood, a time when having money to buy a lot of candy was a high point of life.
Final Score: Candy 31, Playground 5. Holmes probably saw himself winning on the gridiron of his imagination, but on the real thing, he got slaughtered. His bench consisted of one kid named Michael, while his opponents were backed up by a whole (Mike Curb) Congregation. And the Candy Men’s coach/quarterback Davis proved himself capable of miracles, like taking weather phenomena and making them edible. Yes, they can move on to the next round.
THE ALL THE GIRLS AND BOYS HAVE FOUND NEW TOYS BOWL
“School’s Out,” Alice Cooper, 1972
vs. “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” Wings, 1972
Two songs about disruptions in halls of education. First, Alice went to #7 with a song that imagines the permanent destruction of a learning institution. Later that same year, Paul McCartney got to #28 with an interpretation of the 19th Century nursery rhyme about a girl whose pet sheep follow her to class.
Final Score: Alice 21, Mary 20. A close one, McCartney’s choice of an old and simple playbook was startling at first, but in the end he just ran those plays in a halfhearted way, allowing the more aggressive Cooper team to get the win late, After the game, it was Alice who had a little lamb...with mint jelly and mashed potatoes.
THE DOG BOWL
“Your Bulldog Drinks Champagne,” Jim Stafford, 1975
vs, “Shannon,” Henry Gross, 1976
A canine collision. First, Stafford went to #24 with a song about him spying on a woman who likes to share sparkling wine with her pet. Then, Brooklyn native Gross made it to #6 with a song about the passing of a beloved dog, inspired by the death of Beach Boy Carl Wilson’s Irish setter.
Final Score: Champagne 19, Shannon 0. Stafford’s team may have been inebriated, but they played with spirit, easily prevailing over an opponent whose performance could best be described as lifeless.
THE CREEPY CRAWLIES BOWL
“Funky Worm,” The Ohio Players, 1973
vs. “Spiders and Snakes,” Jim Stafford, 1974
Two songs about creatures that often gross people out. Midwestern funksters The Ohio Players got to #15 with a song about a grandmother introducing a talent booker to her discovery: an invertebrate with amazing musical talent. Meanwhile, Jim Stafford is back again, this time with a song about how he likes to woo women by presenting them with slimy organisms. This one got to #3.
Final Score: Worm 37, Snakes 24. Both teams had very successful ground games, but the Players funk was too much for the Stafford team. One wonders if Jimmy might be spreading himself too thin with all his entries in this tournament.
THE FROG BOWL
“Joy to the World,” Three Dog Night, 1971
vs. “Rainbow Connection,” Kermit the Frog, 1979
A couple numbers featuring amphibians of the order Anura. First, 3DN had a #1 with a fun rocker that gave the world the image of a wine-drinking bullfrog named Jeremiah. Then, Jim Henson sings a song about dreams and aspirations in the voice of his most famous Muppet character, reaching #25 in the process.
Final Score: Rainbow 27, World 13. Kermit’s team included a bear who could stun opponents with the lameness of his jokes, a hard-hitting pig, and a creature of unknown origin whose air attack could best be described as “gonzo.” Jeremiah was too much of a straight shooting son of a gun to cope with all that craziness.
THE QUACK ATTACK BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs. “Disco Duck,” Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots, 1976
A war of waterfowl. First, Jim Henson returns, this time voicing Bert’s Sesame Street roommate with a tribute to his favourite bath time companion. The song got to #16. Then, Memphis DJ Dees picked up a surprise #1 with a song about how music transforms him into a funky mallard.
Final Score: Rubber 35, Disco 21. Ernie’s team had more spring in their step, but the Dees side kept held their own with fancy footwork until it began to rain in the second half. Naturally, the Duckies were better suited to handling wet conditions.
THE RODENTS BOTH ALIVE AND DEAD BOWL
“Dead Skunk,” Loudon Wainwright III, 1972
vs. “Muskrat Love,” The Captain and Tennille, 1976
Two songs about furry creatures at different stages of their life cycles. North Carolinian Wainwright went to #16 with a jaunty ditty about the most pungent form of roadkill. Meanwhile, L.A. Couple Daryl and Toni went to #4 with a tune about the surprisingly humanish mating habits of muskrats Susie and Sam.
Final Score: Muskrat 6, Skunk 0. The skunk team showed up in no condition to play. The Muskrats scored on the first play, and the referee, seeing that continuing was pointless, declared the contest over. I’m told that there was more scoring after the game, but I don’t want to think about that, and I don’t think you do either.
THE GREAT WHITE MENACE BOWL
“Mr. Jaws,” Dickie Goodman, 1975
vs. “Fins,” Jimmy Buffett, 1979
A shark showdown. First, break-in record artiste Goodman went to #4 by re-enacting Steven Spielberg's first blockbuster with clips of hits by the Eagles, James Taylor, Olivia Newton-John, the Bee Gees, and more. Then, the king of the Parrotheads got as high as #35 with a tune about comparing a woman being hit on by multiple men to a small fish pursued by ocean predators.
Final Score: Jaws 45. Fins 12. Buffett's song may now have been repurposed as a theme for the NFL's Miami Dolphins, but those players were nowhere to be found, and his team got chewed up and spit out. Meanwhile, Goodman gave a postgame interview, and here are some of the highlights:
Coach Goodman, your team was dominant both in the air and on the ground. Is there anything you feel they did wrong?
"fooled around and fell in love."
I see. And what did you say to your quarterback when you embraced him at the end of the game?
"Your love is like a rollercoaster baby baby, I wanna ride."
You shook hands with Coach Buffett before he went to the locker room. Did you say anything to him?
"Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan."
And did he say anything to you?
"Let's just kiss and say goodbye."
Coach Goodman, I've heard that you are going to hold a team practice tomorrow. What will that be like?
"Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight."
A very interesting approach. One more question, Coach. What do you expect your team to do in the next round?
"Take it to the limit..."
Thank you, Coach.
"...take it to the limit..."
That's enough, Coach.
"...take it to the limit..."
Coach?
"...one more time."
DICKIE!!!
Oh, he's done. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog post.
THE KIDS WHO REALLY LOVE THEIR PETS BOWL
“Ben,” Michael Jackson, 1972
vs. “Wildfire,” Michael Murphey, 1975
Two tracks about unusually strong bonds between children and animals. One Michael had a #1 with an almost romantic ballad from a horror film about a young boy who befriends a rat with a penchant for violence. Meanwhile, a different Michael went to #3 with a country-folk number about a young girl who died chasing her runaway pony. And apparently both are now ghosts who may or may not carry off disenchanted farmers to better places.
Final Score: Wildfire 21, Ben 19. Killer rodents versus ghosts was always going to make for an intriguing matchup, Brutality versus escapability. In the end, Murphey's team had too much horsepower, and Jackson's squad couldn't catch them. They do need to look some more for a win.
THE KIDS AND DOGS IN FANTASY WORLDS BOWL
“Me and My Arrow,” Nilsson, 1971
vs. “Themes from The Wizard of Oz,” Meco, 1978
I don’t think I need to explain this matchup further. First, Harry Nilsson went to #34 with a song from a film he wrote about a boy who has a round head who lives in a land full of pointy-headed people. Arrow is his dog’s name. Then, Pennsylvanian Meco Menardo got to #35 with a disco medley of “Over the Rainbow” and “We’re Off to See the Wizard” from the beloved 1939 musical about the adventures of a Kansas farm girl and her little dog Toto.
Final Score: Wizard 56, Arrow 14. The Oz crew were thought to lack the guts, heart, and intelligence to win, but before the game they were all given some unusual red cleats, and when they got on the field, they seemed to be able to reach the end zone with ease, appearing there as if by some sort of magic. You could almost say they made it their home.
THE STUFFED LOVE BOWL
“Teddy Bear Song,” Barbara Fairchild, 1973
vs. “Teddy Bear,” Red Sovine, 1976
Two country songs that reference the variety of stuffed animal popularized at the start of the 20th century and named for President Theodore Roosevelt. First, Arkansas native Fairchild made it to #32 with a song about wishing she could be a stuffed animal, unable to feel pain or have her heart broken. Then, West Virginian Sovine got to #40 with a sentimental story song about a trucker who responds to a CB call from a crippled boy whose trucker father died in an accident and is one of many who respond to his request for rides in eighteen wheelers.
Final Score: Red 45, Fairchild 0. Barbara may have wanted her team to be cool and emotionless, but Sovine’s squad would not stop talking about that little boy every chance they got, and by the end of the game, their opponents were an emotional wreck.
THE FURRY FRIENDS BOWL
“Wolf Creek Pass,” C.W. McCall, 1975
vs. “Year of the Cat,” Al Stewart, 1977
Two songs with four-legged mammals in their titles. Ad man-turned-country singer William Fries got to #40 with a tale of an eventful trucking run hauling a trailer full of chickens. Meanwhile, Brit Stewart got to #8 with a languid pop-rocker about a man who visits a foreign country and has a memorable tryst with an exotic lady.
Final Score: Wolf 34, Cat 13. McCall’s team played with reckless urgency, while Stewart’s side were so laid back they almost felt like tourists on the field. In the end, the Cat got run over by a truck, figuratively at least.
THE HARLEQUINS AND TEARS BOWL
“Send in the Clowns,” Judy Collins, 1975
vs. “Don’t Cry Out Loud,” Melissa Manchester, 1979
Two sad songs that mention funny men in makeup. Folkie Collins reached #19 with a song from the Stephen Sondheim musical A Little Night Music in which a character laments that love makes fools of us all. Meanwhile, New Yorker Manchester made it to #10 with a song that celebrates emotional repression using multiple circus metaphors, including, of course, clowns.
Final Score: Clowns 17, Cry 3. Manchester’s team was just too restrained. They even remained impassive after the game, saying only, “Remember, we almost had it all.” But where are the Clowns? The next round, that’s where.
We’re back to Canada next time. See you then.
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