The third section of the opening round is full of trends and doom. Here we go. And again, you can follow along on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDWLXjsOJPQmwo3sqB5fMf40Qy5Srd1t2
THE MOVES OF THE STREETS BOWL
"Double Dutch Bus," Frankie Smith, 1981
vs. "Breakdance," Irene Cara, 1984
Two songs about forms of recreation popular in urban America. Philadelphian Smith went to #30 with his funky ode to public transportation and skipping with two ropes. Later, Bronx singer Cara made it to #8 with a song about a new dance craze that involved popping, locking, and spinning on your heads.
Final Score: Bus 45, Breakdance 7. Cara's crew had some impressive moves, but the Dutchmen had fancier footwork, and their penchant for calling their plays in a deceptive slang had the Brizzeak Dizzancizzers bizzewizzildizzered. The Bus rolls on.
THE ZEROES AND ONES BOWL
"Pac-Man Fever," Buckner and Garcia, 1982
vs. "Digital Display," Ready for the World, 1986
Two hits about technology and numbers. First, a duo from Akron, Ohio made it to #9 with a tribute to the arcade video game where you increase your score by having a computer-generated yellow circle eat dots. Then, an R&B group from Flint, Michigan hit #21 with a song that pictures a women's measurements appearing in LED numerals somewhere on her body.
Final Score: Fever 52, Display 10. The Pac-men gobbled up yardage by using their ability to slickly fake out the defense. Though well-built, the Ready for the World team wasn't ready to prevent their opponents from running up a big score.
THE NOT QUITE HUMAN BOWL
"Clones (We're All)," Alice Cooper, 1980
vs. "Mr. Roboto," Styx, 1983
Two songs about people who aren't really people. Detroit shock rock legend Cooper hit #40 with a song about multiple genetic copies and their longing for individuality. Meanwhile, the Bob Seger of Chicago made it to #3 with a tune about an android Iin a dystopian future.
Final Score: Roboto 37, Clones 31 (OT) This was one of the most anticipated first round clashes, and it did not disappoint. Electronic innovation and genetic engineering battles to a stalemate after regulation time, but the Roboto squad was able to pull out the overtime victory by deploying a trick play involving an unheralded running back named Kilroy.
THE REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE BOWL
"Answering Machine," Rupert Holmes, 1980
vs. "Obscene Phone Caller," Rockwell, 1984
Two songs about Alexander Graham Bell's claim to fame. Holmes, writer of OMUSURT champion "Timothy," went to #32 with a song about getting frustrated by the precursor to voicemail. Later, Kennedy Gordy reached #35 with a number about people who play telephone pranks involving sexually suggestive heavy breathing.
Final Score: Caller 24, Machine 0. The Rockwell team came in with a lot of enmity toward people who breathe heavily, and when they heard their opponents panting with exertion, they took out their aggression.
THE EXPERIMENTATION BOWL
"Shock the Monkey," Peter Gabriel, 1982
vs. "She Blinded Me with Science," Thomas Dolby, 1983
Two songs that reference things that happen in laboratories. The former Genesis frontman hit #29 with a song that compares jealousy to simian electrocution. Meanwhile, another Englishman hit #5 comparing love to machinery and chemical reactions.
Final Score: Science 30, Monkey 3. The Shockers tried some electrifying tactics, but they never seemed to see what was coming from the Dolby side, who, at their best, played like poetry in motion. They move on to the next round, although for some reason, one of their fans is still in the stadium, shouting "Science!" at random intervals.
THE DISGUISE YOUR EYES BOWL
"Sunglasses at Night," Corey Hart, 1984
vs. "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades," Timbuk 3, 1986
Two songs about protective eyewear. First, a young man from Montreal made it to #7 with a song about how he wore dark glasses even at the time of day where there is less light. Then, a duo from Wisconsin hit #19 with a tune about a nuclear science student who looks forward to making enough money to buy a lot of beer.
Final Score: Shades 31, Sunglasses 13. Both teams wore dark visors on their helmets, but behind them, the Futurists were smarter, more unpredictable, and more capable of trickery (one player, it is rumored, even had X-ray eyes). They were able to cut through their opponents' security...er, defense, and the Hart squad could not keep track of everything that happened before their eyes. It is Timbuk 3 that leaves with promising prospects.
THE YOUNG LADIES OF THE 80S BOWL
"Valley Girl," Frank and Moon Zappa, 1982
vs. "Material Girl," Madonna, 1985
Two hits about females who value their image. Avant-garde rock legend Frank Zappa and his 14-year-old daughter hit #32 with a song about the slang and values of teenage girls in California's San Fernando Valley. Meanwhile, Ms, Ciccone got to #2 with her declaration that only men of means could win her favors.
Final Score: Valley 44, Material 6. The big question about the team from California was whether they were willing to get their well-manicured nails dirty enough to compete at this level. After the first game, at least, the answer is "Fer sure, Fer sure!" The Material squad just didn't seem very motivated, and some speculated that this was caused by a pay dispute with management. Well they're out, and the Vals will play in the next round...after they see their orthodontist and have their braces removed.
THE LEG COVERINGS BOWL
"Baby Makes Her Blue Jeans Talk," Dr. Hook, 1982
vs. "Fishnet," Morris Day, 1988
Two songs that refer to garments worn on women's lower extremities. Dr. Hook got to #25 with a song about a lady who group communicates volumes with just her denim-clad backside. Then, former Time singer Day climbed to #23 with a tribute to mesh stockings that remind one of a device used to catch seafood.
Final Score: Jeans 7, Fishnet 6. Their wasn't a lot of action in this game, to the point where the spectators left the game talking more about the teams' unusual uniforms than the game itself. Ultimately, the Dr.'s team won by scoring the only touchdown on a late handoff to an attractive running back whose trouser-clad bottom seemed to say to the Day defenders "Follow me in to the end zone." Which they dutifully did.
THE BEATS AND BORROWED HOOKS BOWL
"Pump Up the Volume," M/A/R/R/S, 1988
vs. "I Beg Your Pardon," Kon Kan, 1989
Two songs that helped mainstream sample-heavy electronic dance music. First, a British group hit #13 with a house track featuring samples from James Brown, Eric B, and Rakim, and many more. Then, a Toronto duo made it to #15 with a song that samples GQ, Silver Convention, and Lynn Anderson's country classic "Rose Garden".
Final Score: Volume 24, Pardon 17. This game had a lot of interesting plays that built on old ideas but used new formations to make them different and innovative. But the men from M/A/R/R/S came out on top by being a little more ahead of their time, and a lot less polite. But the losing team still left the field smiling and jolly.
THE IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT, AND THEY FEEL SOMEWHAT LESS THAN FINE BOWL
"1999," Prince, 1983
vs. "The Final Countdown," Europe, 1987
Two songs about civilization-ending cataclysms. Prince got to #12 with a song that predicted that the skies would turn purple and everyone would have a bomb on the last day of the second millennium. Later, a Swedish group climbed to #8 with a song about humanity fleeing a dying Earth to relocating on Venus.
Final Score: 1999 28, Countdown 17. Both teams came out with huge opening plays that sent chills throughout the crowd. But Prince's players just had more firepower, plus early in the second half, they changed the game when a lion somehow emerged from one of the players' pockets. The gang from Europe were so disturbed by the loss that they didn't just leave town, they left the planet entirely.
THE MILD AND CRAZY BOWL
"Wild Wild Life," Talking Heads, 1986
vs. "Hip to be Square," Huey Lewis and the News, 1986
Two songs that celebrate opposing approaches to life. First, the New York New Wavers went to #25 with a song celebrating such crazy activities as wearing fur pyjamas and sleeping on highways. Then, Huey and company hit #3 with a song that says that exercising restraint and discipline is now the height of cool.
Final Score: Square 33, Life 9. This game wasn't even as close as the score would indicate, as the Hipsters' dedication to practice, conditioning, and healthy eating allowed them to run rings around a team who were more interested in wrestling amongst themselves and sitting on their pin-and-needle covered bench. But Huey's team were so dedicated to their conservative strategy that they didn't want to show off by scoring touchdowns, instead getting all their points on eleven field goals. They even gave away two points by unnecessarily conceding a safety. But the strategy worked for this game, and if they continue winning with this approach, it may catch on with other teams.
THE DIFFERING VISIONS OF THE FUTURE BOWL
"I.G.Y. (What a Beautiful World)," Donald Fagen, 1982
vs. "Silent Running," Mike and the Mechanics, 1986
Two hits that paint different pictures of the years to come. Ex-Steely Dan man Fagen went to #26 by picturing a bright, clean future of high-speed underwater trains and spandex jackets. Later, a group led by Genesis' Mike Rutherford hit #6 with a song about an astronaut sending a message to his family back on a war-torn Earth.
Final Score: Running 34, World 14. The Beautiful boys came out with high-flying optimism and visionary ideas, but they were brought down to earth by the Silent squad's relentless, punishing ground attack. Fagen's peaceniks could not hold back a group of Mechanics prepared for war. But they still looked cool in those spandex jackets.
THE LIKE A SEX MACHINE BOWL
"Automatic Man," Michael Sembello, 1983
vs. "Automatic," The Pointer Sisters, 1984
Two songs about the passionate possibilities of robots. Philadelphian Sembello hit #34 with a song about having a mechanical assistant that gets too good at helping its master seduce a woman. Later, an Oakland trio hit #5 with a tune about being erotically manipulated by some sort of machine.
Final Score: Sembello 19, Pointer 10. Although this isn't Sembello's best-known team, he got them to play like mechanical maniacs, and they managed to short-circuit the Pointer defense. But are the Automatic Men built to last, or will their time at this dance be over in a flash?
THE DROWNING IN A DARK SCOTTISH LAKE BOWL
"In the Air Tonight," Phil Collins, 1981
vs."Synchronicity II," The Police, 1983
Two dark, odd-sounding songs that refer to water. The Genesis singer hit #19 with a song about the resentment cause by divorce that uses metaphors that have caused it to be misinterpreted as a story of someone who allowed a drowning person to die. Later, the popular British trio got to #16 with a song about a frustrated man whose growing torment is compared to the awakening of the Loch Ness Monster.
Final Score: Air 38, Synchronicity 24. Both teams played with a lot of anger, and they were even going into the fourth quarter. But then on a punt return, a percussive volley of hard hits that sounded like nothing anyone had ever heard before jarred the ball loose from a Police man, and the Collins defense returned the fumble for a touchdown that gave them the lead for good. The Synchronicity team never heard it coming, and it had the same effect as a humiliating kick in the crotch.
THE PRINT VS. BROADCAST BOWL
"Every Day I Write the Book," Elvis Costello, 1983
vs. "Radio Ga Ga," Queen, 1984
Two hits that refer to aging-but-still popular forms of media, First, Londoner Costello reached #36 with a tune that compares carrying on a romance to writing a novel. A year later, the legendary British group made it to #16 by celebrating the wireless sound transmitter pioneered by Gugliermo Marconi.
Final Score: Radio 55, Book 7. This was no contest, mainly because of the teams' differing methods of signaling plays in from the sidelines. The Queen coach delivered his calls by wireless headset into receivers in the players' helmets, while Costello opted to write them out on signs for his team (and their opponents) to read. The Ga Ga's have yet to have their finest hour, while the Writers need to go back and edit their strategy before they can take the field again.
THE ANXIETY BOWL
"Pressure," Billy Joel, 1982
vs. "Paranoimia," The Art of Noise with Max Headroom, 1986
Two songs about feeling stressed. Billy hit #20 with a frantic rocker about trying to deal with the weight of the world. Then, a British electronic group teamed up with a stuttering, supposedly computer-generated humanoid character to hit #34 with a song about being frightened and unable to sleep.
Final Score: Paranoimia 48, Pressure 10. With their wide-awake, stuttery approach to the game, the Noise boys applied so much force to Billy's team that no amount of faith or Peter Pan advice could help them deal with it. Will fear and insomnia take their toll on the Art team, or will they be able to max out their potential?
It's Britain again next time. See you then.
No comments:
Post a Comment