And finally we have the last bracket of the first round. The theme of this one is story songs. It’s a battle of bite-sized audio documentaries. Let’s get started.
THE NIGHT JOB WHERE YOU MEET INTERESTING PEOPLE BOWL
“Taxi,” Harry Chapin, 1972
vs. “Piano Man,” Billy Joel, 1974
Two tales of working men. Brooklyn folkie Chapin made it to #24 with a story about a San Francisco cabbie who picks up an old lover one night, and how the two reflect on how their lives didn’t turn out how they had planned. Meanwhile, Bronx native Joel reached #25 with his breakthrough single, which was based on his experiences tickling the ivories at a Los Angeles bar.
Final Score: Piano 28, Taxi 17. Billy’s boys were just happier to be there, not mourning lost loves or failed dreams of being a pilot. Plus they got a great performance from Davy, who’s still in the Navy. The raucous celebration of their victory is still going on.
THE OLD MEN AND THEIR STORIES BOWL
“Mr. Bojangles,” The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, 1971
vs. “The Gambler,” Kenny Rogers, 1979
Two songs that take the form of younger men recalling meetings they had with interesting elders. First, a California country-rock band got to #9 with a song about meeting a homeless tap dancer in a New Orleans jail cell. Then, Rogers hit #16 by recounting a fictional meeting between himself and an elderly cardsharp.
Final Score: Bojangles 38, Gambler 13. In a battle of fancy footwork versus calculated risk taking, the Bojangles danced away with a comfortable win. Even when you know when to hold them and when to fold them, the cards don’t always go your way.
THE REAL LIFE MASS DEATH BOWL
“The Battle Hymn If Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,” Gordon Lightfoot, 1976
Two songs inspired by headline-making tragedies. Alabama disc jockey Nelson and a group of studio musicians hit #37 with a patriotic-sounding defence of William Calley, the only American soldier convicted in the 1968 massacre of unarmed Vietnamese civilians at My Lai. Meanwhile, Canadian troubadour Lightfoot had a #2 with his epic about the 1975 sinking of a freight ship in Lake Superior.
Final Score: Hymn 51, Wreck 19. Though it was played in the gales of November, the Edmund Fitzgerald crew were thoroughly dominated by the all-out, anything-for-victory attitude of C Company. They are a dangerous team in more ways than one.
THE OLD-TIMEY WAR STORIES BOWL
“The Last Farewell,” Roger Whittaker, 1975
vs. “Fernando,” ABBA, 1976
Two songs that evoke images of the days when armed conflict was very low-tech. British folksinger Whittaker got to #19 with a song about a sailor leaving his lover to go fight in some nonspecific battle. Then, Sweden’s finest hit #13 with a tune about two Mexican soldiers reminiscing about the war for Texas independence.
Final Score: Fernando 10, Farewell 3. A defensive struggle, but in a game played under bright stars, there was something in the air that allowed the close-knit ABBA team to get the victory. Farewell, Mr. Whittaker.
THE CORPORATE NAMECHECK BOWL
“Kodachrome,” Paul Simon, 1973
vs. “One Piece at a Time,” Johnny Cash, 1976
Two songs that provided free advertising for famous brands. Rhymin’ Simon went to #2 with a song about looking back on the past through photos taken with a Nikon on Kodak film. Then, the Man in Black reached #29 with a record about a General Motors autoworker who puts together a Cadillac out of parts he smuggled out of the plant over a period of 20-plus years.
Final Score: Piece 24, Kodachrome 10. It took Cash a long time to assemble his squad, and they didn’t necessarily appear to be a unit that would work together cohesively, but they formed a finely-tuned machine that drove to a win. Simon was disappointed with the loss, but he did take a nice team picture of his players to remember them by.
THE CLEDUS “SNOWMAN” SNOW BOWL
“Amos Moses,” Jerry Reed, 1971
vs. “When You’re Hot, You’re Hot,” Jerry Reed, 1971
A battle of two slabs of country-funk from actor/singer/Burt Reynolds sidekick Reed. First, he hit #8 with the story of a Louisiana boy famous for his ability to catch alligators in spite of only having one arm. Then, he got to #9 with a song about a gambler whose on a hot streak at craps until the local sheriff breaks up the game.
Final Score: Moses 42, Hot 21. The Hot boys were on a roll for most of the first half, going ahead 7-0, then 14-0, then 21-0. But late in the second quarter, they got called for a costly illegal procedure penalty, and after that, nothing went their way, and the brute strength and cunning of Moses romped from there.
THE SMOOTH SOUTHERN SEDUCTION BOWL
“Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves,” Cher, 1971
vs. “Leave Me Alone (Ruby Red Dress),” Helen Reddy, 1973
Two hits about young women who were deflowered by more experienced men. Cher had a #1 with a tale of the daughter of traveling Romany who is impregnated by an Alabama drifter. Meanwhile, Ms. Reddy hit #3 with the tale of an emotionally disturbed woman who wanders her hometown years after a heartbreaking and/or traumatic tryst with a Tennessee farm boy.
Final Score: Gypsies 23, Ruby 0. It came down to the fact that the Gypsies would do whatever they could to win, while the Ruby team played like they didn’t want to be there. So Cher’s team are back on their wagon and traveling to the next round.
THE WOMEN’S ADVANCEMENT BOWL
“Fancy,” Bobbie Gentry, 1970
vs. “Jennifer Tomkins,” Street People, 1970
Two songs about girls who grow up poor and try to have better lives as adults. Country singer Gentry made it to #31 with a song about a young lady whose mother makes her a sexy red dress and sends her out to “befriend” rich men. Meanwhile, Street People, a project of Archies singer Ron Dante and Rupert Holmes (the man behind both “The Pina Colada Song” and “Timothy”), reached #36 with a tune about a girl who is orphaned as a child, then abandoned by the love of her life as a grown woman.
Final Score: Fancy 38, Tomkins 7. The Fancy coach gave an inspiring pre-game speech, telling them that this was their one chance not to let her down. They didn’t. Their opponents returned to the street, muttering about life not being fair.
THE FATHER KNOWS BEST...SOMETIMES BOWL
“Patches,” Clarence Carter, 1970
vs. “Papa was a Rollin’ Stone,” The Temptations, 1972
Two songs about dead fathers. Blind Alabama soul man Carter got to #4 with a song about a poor boy who keeps his promise to his dying dad to perform tireless, backbreaking labour throughout his childhood to keep his family afloat. Two years later, the Temps went to #1 with a eulogy for a man who was a con-man, a bigamist, an alcoholic and an absentee father.
Final Score: Patches 34, Papa 21. Once again, an inspirational pregame speech led to victory. As well as the fact that Patches and co. had been practicing 16 hours a day beforehand. They would not stop giving it their all. The Temps’ team didn’t have a role model for persistence and hard work, so they couldn’t keep up. The winners weren’t ones to rest on their laurels, so they had a three-hour practice in full pads immediately after the game. One wonders how long the’ll be able to keep this up.
THE DON’T TAKE YOUR MAMA FOR GRANTED BOWL
“No Charge,” Melba Montgomery, 1974
vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
Two country songs about the gratitude one should have for one’s mother. Tennessean Montgomery made it to #39 with a record about a child who presents his mom with a bill for all the household chores he performs, only to have his mother reply with a bill for all she does for him, but without an amount owing, Meanwhile, singer/sausage king Dean reached #35 with a song about how he used to catalogue all the services he felt he owed his mother for, and how he knew that all he needed to do in the form of payment was love her.
Final Score: I.O.U. 27, Charge 10. The first half saw Dean’s tam motivated, while Melba’s men seemed more concerned about a contract dispute. This was resolved at halftime, but their opponents kept playing with the same spirit, so the gap could not be closed.
THE INSPIRATIONAL DEAD LOVED ONES BOWL
“Rocky,” Austin Roberts, 1975
vs. “The Last Game of the Season (A Blind Man in the Bleachers),” David Geddes, 1975
Two songs about males who rely on deceased relatives to help them do things. Virginian Roberts hit #9 with a song about meeting a woman whom he marries and has a child with, but then dies and helps him continue living through her memory. Geddes, meanwhile, climbed to #18 with a song about a high schooler who never gets into the football games his blind father attends, but on the day his dad dies, he gets to play and leads his team to an improbable victory.
Final Score: Blind 41, Rocky 38. Everything went Roberts’ way in the first half, while Geddes’ guys were lacking in every way. But something seemed to change for both sides at halftime, and one of the Blind players came off the bench and led an amazing comeback. After the game, the hero simply pointed to an empty spot in the stands to explain his performance.
THE DRINK AWAY THE PAIN OF LEAVING A CAKE OUT IN THE RAIN BOWL
“Copacabana,” Barry Manilow, 1978
vs. “MacArthur Park,” Donna Summer, 1979
It’s lost love against lost dessert. Easy listening superstar Manilow made it to #8 with a disco track about a nightclub dancer whose lover is killed in a bar fight. A year later, Summer had a #1 with a cover of Richard Harris’ 1969 hit about baked goods being ruined by precipitation.
Final Score: MacArthur 17, Copacabana 10. Manilow had young legs on his side, but an injury to star player Tony near the end of the first half turned the game around, and their opponents’ enigmatic strategy, which involved wearing striped pants and incorporating moves from Chinese checkers, won the day. But it remains to be seen whether they’ll have the recipe for victory again.
THE THAT’S MY BOY BOWL
“Watching Scotty Grow,” Bobby Goldsboro, 1971
vs, “Cat’s in the Cradle,” Harry Chapin, 1974
Two songs about fatherhood. Goldsboro hit #11 by declaring that being there to see his son grow up is more entertaining than television, films or nightclubs. Later, Chapin topped the chart with a song about all the moments of his son’s childhood that he missed due to work.
Final Score: Cradle 31, Scotty 0. The Chapin team were focused on the game, while Goldsboro’s squad allowed their children to wander the sidelines, even letting one kid call the plays. None of their players knew what kind of play “BRLFQ” was, but they didn’t care, it was having that quality time with the kids that was most important.. The Cradle team scoffed, secure in the knowledge that they were the ones who had their priorities straight. But will they always feel that way?
THE GETTING OUT BOWL
“Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree,” Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973
vs. “How You Gonna See Me Now,” Alice Cooper, 1978
Two hits about people being released from institutions. Tony and Dawn went to #1 with a song about a man wondering if he will be welcomed home from prison. Alice’s #12 challenger can be described the same way, except substitute “prison” for “mental hospital.”
Final Score: Ribbon 17, See 14. It was close throughout, but the Orlando boys found just enough at the end to win. Maybe it was the sudden appearance of a hundred pieces of yellow fabric tied to the goalposts when they lined up to kick the winning field goal. It’s reminiscent of how the Terrible Towels helped the Pittsburgh Steelers to championships in the 70s. Could the Rotten Ribbons have the same impact?
THE STRANGERS MAKING OFFERS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE BOWL
“Lizzie and the Rainman,” Tanya Tucker, 1975
vs. “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” The Charlie Daniels Band, 1979
Two hits about people confronting men who make crazy promises. Country star Tucker got to #37 with a tune about a man who claims he can bring rain to a doubt-stricken town and the sceptical citizen who challenges him. Meanwhile, Charlie D. returns with a #3 about a boy named Johnny who stakes his soul against a golden violin in a fiddle-off with Satan.
Final Score: Devil 56, Rainman 3. Tucker’s team wanted wet conditions, and they thought they had someone who could arrange that. But instead, the game was played in very hot conditions, and their opponents played supernaturally well. Strangely, the moment the final gun sounded,the rains actually came. Reports that there was some sort of wager on the game are unconfirmed.
THE SCARY STUFF BOWL
“Swamp Witch,” Jim Stafford, 1973
vs. “(The System of) Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether,” The Alan Parsons Project, 1976
Two songs that could be part of any good Halloween playlist. First, it’s Stafford again, this time with the #39 tale of a witch who uncharacteristically uses her magic to cure the fever-stricken town that has feared her for years. Then, an English prog outfit hit #37 with a song inspired by an Edgar Allan Poe story about mental patients who take over an asylum
Final Score: Witch 37, System 35. A thrilling contest, with many twists and turns. Stafford’s team’s ingestion of a mysterious substance may have made the difference, which is perfectly legal in this competition. After the game, a group of people stormed the field, claiming that they were the real Parsons team who had been kidnapped and replaced by rabid fans. This is under investigation, but the result of the game will stand,
So finally, we’re done the first round. You could definitely argue about songs that made the cut and ones that didn’t, but as the one-man selection committee, I’m satisfied that we’ve had a an exciting tournament so far. And the competition should be even better in Round 2. But we’lol be heading back to England before then. See you soon.
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