Last 20.
20 - “Island Girl,” Elton John
Sir Elton’s tale of wanting to emancipate a very tall Jamaican prostitute only got to #14, but was his fifth American charttopper. It’s surprising to learn how much less successful he was at home during this period. Not that he was hurting, I’m sure.
19 - “Scotch on the Rocks,” Band of the Black Watch
Following in the footsteps of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards, this group of pipers and drummers from a Scottish military regiment had a hit with this rousing instrumental. Apparently, the album of the same name included a version of “Paloma Blanca.” I’m certain it’s better than Jonathan King’s.
18 - “Hold Me Close,” David Essex
Dave’s second and last #1 (and no, the other one wasn’t “Rock On”) was this pleasant enough pop love song. This one, I can stand.
17 - “Fly High,” John Miles
The Jarrowman’s first hit was this Wings-ish rocker about someone whose days in the fast lane are over. It gets pretty far off the ground. Proficient 70s Britrock.
16 - “Ride a White Horse,” Dee Clark
We encountered early rock/soul star Delectus Clark when we visited 1961, when the Arkansan had his biggest American hit, “Raindrops.” Here, seemingly out of nowhere, he had his first U.K. hit in 16 years with this bit of R&B/disco offering his love to anyone who can tame him. Great stuff. This vein of chart music never ceases to yield gems.
15 - “New York Groove,” Hello
The second and last hit by these glammers is more familiar to North American listeners through Ace Frehley’s 1978 cover. The original is very similar, but the harmonica and the more British pronunciation of certain words make it different. Both versions have considerable charms.
14 - “I Ain’t Lyin’,” George McCrae
The penultimate hit for the Florida disco-soulster was this more KC-created dance floor accompaniment. Truly very good.
13 - “Love Hurts,” Jim Capaldi
The Worcestershireman who co-founded Traffic with Steve Winwood had his biggest hit here with this disco-lite version of the Everly Brothers song that Nazareth famously covered that same year. I like that one much better. This one doesn’t get the pain across.
12 - “Don’t Play Your Rock n’Roll to Me,” Smokie
This was their second hit, and it’s from back when they still spelled their name “Smokey.” It’s pop-rock about a couple who aren’t making beautiful music together anymore. Chris Norman’s rasp is well-suited to this. Possibly the favourite of what I’ve heard from them.
11 - “There Goes My First Love,” The Drifters
Another hit from the doo-woo vets’ 70s run. Basic soul about having an ex stolen by your bestie. Not moved by this, but happy for their success.
There are ten left.
10 - “Blue Guitar,” Justin Hayward and John Lodge
During a hiatus for The Moody Blues, singer-guitarist Hayward and Lodge combined on an album called Blue Jays, which spawned this hit. It’s dreamy, heavily-orchestrated prog that sounds exactly like their band. Nice enough.
9 - “D-I-V-O-R-C-E,” Billy Connolly
The Scottish comic had a #1 with a comedic parody of Tammy Wynette’s tearjerker about the breakup of a marriage. In this case, the split is caused by taking a disruptive dog to the vet. F-U-N-N-Y.
8 - “Feelings,” Morris Albert
The Brazilian’s smooth cliche. Whoa whoa whoa no.
7 - “S.O.S.,” ABBA
The Swedes’ second Top Ten was this declaration that only love is their lifeline. Still one of the shiniest examples of their popcraft.
6 - “What a Difference a Day Makes,” Esther Phillips
The Texas soul lady’s one Brit hit was this disco cover of the pop standard about how 24 little hours can change everything. The arrangement is pure cheese, but Esther’s voice is bracing hot sauce.
5 - “Hold Back the Night,” The Trammps
Pre-“Disco Inferno,” these Philadelphians hit big here with this peppy soul love song. It might start a different kind of fire. Squeeze it, it’s all right.
4 - “Rhinestone Cowboy,” Glen Campbell
The country legend missed a Triple Crown by this much. The theme of trying to keep positive and do what you need to do to get ahead and timeless, and has very rarely been expressed more effectively for catchily than this.
3 - “I Only Have Eyes for You,” Art Garfunkel
The first of two #1s for Paul’s (sometime) pal was this song that was originally written for the 1934 movie Dames, and was a hit in 1959 for doo-woppers The Flamingos. Art’s version is languid and smooth, but I only have ears for the Flamingos’ take.
2 - “Love is the Drug,” Roxy Music
The Roxys scored their biggest hit to date with this amazing bits of sophistifunk about the urgency of a young man on the make. This was one of the early mission statements of disco, and it still thrills. Catch that buzz.
And the one 43 years ago was...
1 - “Space Oddity,” David Bowie
The tale of poor doomed Major Tom had been Bowie’s second hit six years earlier, then became his first #1 on its reissue. It’s still the best collision between rock and space travel ever.
It’ll be Britain again next time. See you then.
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
Friday, November 23, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: November 8, 1975 Part One
November 1975. On the 6th, a group called the Sex Pistols played their first gig at London’s St. Martin’s Art College. They did three covers before the band they were opening for, Bazooka Joe, pulled the plug on them. However, one member of Bazooka Joe liked the Pistols’ performance, and as a result soon left the band. That member was a bass player who would later be known as...Adam Ant. Meanwhile, on a blissfully ignorant British music scene...
40 - “Change with the Times,” Van McCoy
The man behind “The Hustle,” with more disco funk, but this time there’s lyrics! And they’re about being adaptable and open minded. Good solid dance floor fodder.
39 - “Are You Being Served, Sir,” John Inman
Inman was an actor who gained his greatest fame as Mr. Humphries, an exaggeratedly “camp” menswear salesman at a department store, on the sitcom Are You Being Served? This led to this single, a cabaret number laced with innuendo and naughty rhymes being pre-emoted. It’s silly, it’s dated, and it has what it takes to bring about the return of the Uneasy Rider.
38 - “You Sexy Thing,” Hot Chocolate
Still their best known song. It’s still great, in spite of it becoming a cliche. That didn’t seem possible, but I believe in miracles.
37 - “This Will Be,” Natalie Cole
Princess Cole scraped into the Top 40 here with her U.S. Top Ten debut. I’m not hooked by its jaunty jazziness, but I still think she shouldn’t have had to wait thirteen years for another hit here.
36 - “Paloma Blanca,” George Baker Selection
The Dutch group’s weird bit of schlager-pop about a farmer dreaming of the freedom that birds have. It tricks me into liking it. I’m not sure how. But I’ll be facing off with it again sooner than you think.
35 - “Dreamy Lady,” T. Rex
From the down side of the Rex’s career comes this love song with reggae and disco influences. And Bolan almost croons. It brings to mind that great British phrase “lost the plot.”
34 - “Lyin’ Eyes,” Eagles
This country tune about young women who cheat on their rich old husbands was their second hit here. This is the Glenn Frey I can tolerate.
33 - “Darlin’,” David Cassidy
The last hit of Keith Partridge’s big 70s run was a cover of a 1967 Beach Boys hit. Bruce Johnston even co-produces and plays on it. It’s not a bad effort to try and grow out of teeny-bop, but it was too late.
32 - “Big Ten,” Judge Dread
More naughty reggae from Alex Hughes. A little tame by his standards. And I question the accuracy of his account of what knights did with telegraph poles.
31 - “Supership,” George “Bad” Benson
The jazz guitarist’s first U.K. hit came with a superfluous nickname, but it brought enough funk to make me want to sail on this vessel. Board the Love Train upon reaching shore, and that’s a fine soul travel experience.
30 - “Right Back Where We Started From,” Maxine Nightingale
The international breakthrough for the woman from Wembley. It split the difference between disco and Northern Soul, and the result is glorious.
29 - “No Woman No Cry,” Bob Marley and the Wailers
Marley’s first hit single was this live-in-London version of a song that first appeared on the 1974 LP Natty Dread. It’s a passionate promise that hard times will pass. It’s a song that makes clear the through line between American blues and Jamaican reggae.
28 - “L-L-Lucy,” Mud
Their ninth Top Ten was this speed-glam warning to a fast-living lady. It’s catchy, breakneck rock with pop sheen, and for some reason, that’s one of my sweet spots.
27 - “Una Paloma Blanca,” Jonathan King
This creepy popportunist’s version of this was a bigger hit than the George Baker original. Inferior in every way. If this was the only take available, I wouldn’t like the song at all.
26- “Sky High,” Jigsaw
The big hit by this Coventry combo has the feel of a song that could be theme to a film that tried to combine a Bond-style spy story with Hong Kong martial arts. And conveniently enough it was. Won’t see the movie, but the version of it this evokes is good enough for me.
25 - “Imagine,” John Lennon
The secular hymn reached #6 after being finally being released as a single here, four years after appearing on the album of the same name. It’s a beautiful song of faith, even if that faith is in humanity rather than a spiritual being.
24 - “Who Loves You,” The Four Seasons
I’m not much for the Jersey Boys’ mid-70s output, but this is the best of the bunch. It sounds like them, and the modern production enhances rather than interferes.
23 - “Rock on Brother,” Chequers
Led by Aylesbury Brothers John and Richard Mathias, this band’s only significant hit was this instrumental combining funk, disco, and Philly soul influences. Good strutting music. Track it down.
22 - “Funky Moped/Magic Roundabout,” Jasper Carrott
The Birmingham-born comedian born Robert Davis had a Top Five hit with this double-sided single.. The A is a tale of a boy who swears he will win back his biker-loving object of affection once his motorized bicycle is fixed. It was produced by none other than ELO’s Jeff Lynne. The B is a standup comedy bit naughtily spoofing a popular children’s stop-motion animated series. I don’t know the show, so I don’t get it. But obviously it also deserves an Uneasy Rider.
21 - “It’s Time for Love,” The Chi-Lites
Two years after their last home pop Top 40, the Chicago soul outfit could still rack the Top Five here with another example of their sublime romantic balladry.
In Part Two: greeting, spelling, and a stiff drink.
40 - “Change with the Times,” Van McCoy
The man behind “The Hustle,” with more disco funk, but this time there’s lyrics! And they’re about being adaptable and open minded. Good solid dance floor fodder.
39 - “Are You Being Served, Sir,” John Inman
Inman was an actor who gained his greatest fame as Mr. Humphries, an exaggeratedly “camp” menswear salesman at a department store, on the sitcom Are You Being Served? This led to this single, a cabaret number laced with innuendo and naughty rhymes being pre-emoted. It’s silly, it’s dated, and it has what it takes to bring about the return of the Uneasy Rider.
38 - “You Sexy Thing,” Hot Chocolate
Still their best known song. It’s still great, in spite of it becoming a cliche. That didn’t seem possible, but I believe in miracles.
37 - “This Will Be,” Natalie Cole
Princess Cole scraped into the Top 40 here with her U.S. Top Ten debut. I’m not hooked by its jaunty jazziness, but I still think she shouldn’t have had to wait thirteen years for another hit here.
36 - “Paloma Blanca,” George Baker Selection
The Dutch group’s weird bit of schlager-pop about a farmer dreaming of the freedom that birds have. It tricks me into liking it. I’m not sure how. But I’ll be facing off with it again sooner than you think.
35 - “Dreamy Lady,” T. Rex
From the down side of the Rex’s career comes this love song with reggae and disco influences. And Bolan almost croons. It brings to mind that great British phrase “lost the plot.”
34 - “Lyin’ Eyes,” Eagles
This country tune about young women who cheat on their rich old husbands was their second hit here. This is the Glenn Frey I can tolerate.
33 - “Darlin’,” David Cassidy
The last hit of Keith Partridge’s big 70s run was a cover of a 1967 Beach Boys hit. Bruce Johnston even co-produces and plays on it. It’s not a bad effort to try and grow out of teeny-bop, but it was too late.
32 - “Big Ten,” Judge Dread
More naughty reggae from Alex Hughes. A little tame by his standards. And I question the accuracy of his account of what knights did with telegraph poles.
31 - “Supership,” George “Bad” Benson
The jazz guitarist’s first U.K. hit came with a superfluous nickname, but it brought enough funk to make me want to sail on this vessel. Board the Love Train upon reaching shore, and that’s a fine soul travel experience.
30 - “Right Back Where We Started From,” Maxine Nightingale
The international breakthrough for the woman from Wembley. It split the difference between disco and Northern Soul, and the result is glorious.
29 - “No Woman No Cry,” Bob Marley and the Wailers
Marley’s first hit single was this live-in-London version of a song that first appeared on the 1974 LP Natty Dread. It’s a passionate promise that hard times will pass. It’s a song that makes clear the through line between American blues and Jamaican reggae.
28 - “L-L-Lucy,” Mud
Their ninth Top Ten was this speed-glam warning to a fast-living lady. It’s catchy, breakneck rock with pop sheen, and for some reason, that’s one of my sweet spots.
27 - “Una Paloma Blanca,” Jonathan King
This creepy popportunist’s version of this was a bigger hit than the George Baker original. Inferior in every way. If this was the only take available, I wouldn’t like the song at all.
26- “Sky High,” Jigsaw
The big hit by this Coventry combo has the feel of a song that could be theme to a film that tried to combine a Bond-style spy story with Hong Kong martial arts. And conveniently enough it was. Won’t see the movie, but the version of it this evokes is good enough for me.
25 - “Imagine,” John Lennon
The secular hymn reached #6 after being finally being released as a single here, four years after appearing on the album of the same name. It’s a beautiful song of faith, even if that faith is in humanity rather than a spiritual being.
24 - “Who Loves You,” The Four Seasons
I’m not much for the Jersey Boys’ mid-70s output, but this is the best of the bunch. It sounds like them, and the modern production enhances rather than interferes.
23 - “Rock on Brother,” Chequers
Led by Aylesbury Brothers John and Richard Mathias, this band’s only significant hit was this instrumental combining funk, disco, and Philly soul influences. Good strutting music. Track it down.
22 - “Funky Moped/Magic Roundabout,” Jasper Carrott
The Birmingham-born comedian born Robert Davis had a Top Five hit with this double-sided single.. The A is a tale of a boy who swears he will win back his biker-loving object of affection once his motorized bicycle is fixed. It was produced by none other than ELO’s Jeff Lynne. The B is a standup comedy bit naughtily spoofing a popular children’s stop-motion animated series. I don’t know the show, so I don’t get it. But obviously it also deserves an Uneasy Rider.
21 - “It’s Time for Love,” The Chi-Lites
Two years after their last home pop Top 40, the Chicago soul outfit could still rack the Top Five here with another example of their sublime romantic balladry.
In Part Two: greeting, spelling, and a stiff drink.
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 October 28, 1989 Part Two
The top half.
20 - “You Keep it All In, “ The Beautiful South
20 - “You Keep it All In, “ The Beautiful South
The Housemartins’ offshoot had their first hit with this deceptively sprightly number about repressing impulses, fears and memories. The kind of pop that does great in Britain but doesn’t find much of an audience elsewhere, which is a shame.
19 - “Don’t Make Me Over,” Sybil
The first of American Sybil Lynch’s two hit dance covers of Burt Bacharach compositions. In spite of the bells and whistles, the song is the star.
18 - “Sweet Surrender,” Wet Wet Wet
The sixth hit for the drenched Scots was this ballad about missing an ex you thought was the one. Well-sung but boring.
17 - “I Thank You,” Adeva
The fourth Brit hit for New Jersey dance diva Patricia Daniels was this grateful house track. Her voice is distinctive enough to hold your attention through the unremarkable beats.
16 - “Eye Know,” De La Soul
This trio from the infamous New York town of Amityville came on the scene bringing a trippier, jazzier sound to hip-hop. Their third hit epitomizes this, with laid-back rhymes delivered over samples of “Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay,” and Steely Dan’s “Peg.” It still sounds as joyous and fresh as it did then.
15 - “I Feel the Earth Move,” Martika
The second hit by Californian Marta Marrero was this dance-rock cover of a 1971 Carole King hit. Too candy-coloured in comparison to the mature sexuality of the original.
14 - “I Want That Man,” Deborah Harry
The Blondie frontwoman had her third hit with sassy, strutting rock knowing what her heart desires, which apparently incleudes actor Harry Dean Stanton. Debbie is just the diva of all time. Love love love her.
13 - “All Around the World,” Lisa Stansfield
This Mancunian soulstress had her breakout solo hit with this breathy chronicle of her ongoing search for her beloved. #1 here and in six other countries, and #3 in North America. So the song did its share of globetrotting as well.
12 - “The Road to Hell,” Chris Rea
The Middlesbrough veteran’s only Top Ten was this gritty, downcast blues-rocker about how the modern world is dooming us. Depressing, but a good song nonetheless.
11 - “Wishing on a Star,” Fresh 4
A breakbeat cover of Rose Royce’s 1978 hit, sung by a cold, accented female voice and featuring a disinterested-sounding rap. I don’t get it, but at least it’s not a copy of the original.
Scaramouche, will you do the Top Tengo?
Scaramouche, will you do the Top Tengo?
10 - “If Only I Could,” Sydney Youngblood
The biggest hit for this American-German singer was this dance plea for world peace. His voice is interesting enough to carry me through it.
9 - “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” Billy Joel
Billy’s history list only got to #7. I guess his shoutouts to “British Beatlemania” and “British politician sex” weren’t enough. It’s still remarkable to me that pretty much nothing happened between 1963 and 1979. That seems unlikely.
8 - “Pump Up the Jam,” Technotronic
The track that made house friendly for the North American mainstream on its way to a Triple Top Five. Making “stomping” rhyme with “pumping” may be one of Belgium’s greatest achievements as a nation. Probably not, but maybe.
7 - “Room in Your Heart,” Living in a Box
The Manchester band’s biggest non-eponymous hit was this ballad about finding love. Okay for slow dances and private romances, but I’m not sure why you would need to hear it outside of those contexts.
6 - “If I Could Turn Back Time,” Cher
Sonny’s ex gives in to Diane Warren’s begging and records this power ballad, does a video with her ass hanging out on a Navy battleship, success ensues. Simple, really.
5 - “Ride on Time,” Black Box
The first hit and only #1 for this Italodance machine was soul shouting over house beats. Much better than this sounds. And this was before they started ripping off Martha Wash.
4 - “Leave a Light On,” Belinda Carlisle
The once and future Go-Go, with a dance-rocker pledging that she will always return to her lover. George Harrison shows up to do a sweet slide guitar solo. Her solo stuff has grown on me over the years.
3 - “Street Tuff,” Rebel MC and Double Trouble
Islington rapper Michael West had his biggest hit alongside his producer friends with this track. Decent beats, boastful rhymes, pretty good.
2 - “Girl I’m Gonna Miss You,” Milli Vanilli
Britain denies the lip-syncers a Triple Crown, but at least this sapfest was their biggest hit. Sadly, it really would be a tragedy for them to see the Dream was over.
Britain denies the lip-syncers a Triple Crown, but at least this sapfest was their biggest hit. Sadly, it really would be a tragedy for them to see the Dream was over.
And on top back then was...
1 - “That’s What I Like,” Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers
These guys again, with their second straight #1. The victims this time include Chubby Checker, Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, and the theme from Hawaii Five-0. Creative bankruptcy at its finest.
Back to Britain next time. Cheers till then.
These guys again, with their second straight #1. The victims this time include Chubby Checker, Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, and the theme from Hawaii Five-0. Creative bankruptcy at its finest.
Back to Britain next time. Cheers till then.
Wednesday, November 14, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 October 29, 1989 Part One
Mid-autumn, 1989. Iconic British carmaker Jaguar is purchased by Ford. A U.K. company in the hands of a former colony. And now it’s owned by Tata Motors, based in India. The Empire is truly dead, isn’t it? But there’s always the charts.
40 - “The Message is Love,” Arthur Baker and Al Green
Boston-born producer/remixer Baker teamed up with Reverend Green for this midtempo soul outing about how kindness and caring can heal the world. Okay song, but with Al singing, it becomes something great.
39 - “Take Care of Yourself,” Level 42
The bonus track from a greatest hits album. A more spirited than normal funk tune about looking out for number one. It only got this high, which is a shame. I would have rather they had been rewarded for stepping out of their comfort zone.
38 - “The Time Warp,” Damian
Mancunian Damian Davey had his only hit with a dance-pop cover of the classic number from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Not the worst idea, and it’s pretty well-executed. Damian’s snotty delivery works well, and the rapped step instructions weave in well. Still, there’s no replacing the original for inspiring madness-inducing pelvic thrusts.
37 - “The Sun Rising,” The Beloved
The first hit for this London outfit was this spacey house tune featuring a sample of a song written by the 12th century nun/composer/theologian St. Hildegard of Bingen. Some nice calming sounds to start your day with.
36 - “Chocolate Box,” Bros
The seventh Top Ten for the Goss twins was this tune about not wanting to be just one of many lovers. A lot of sweets are used as metaphors here. To me, this is more like Thrills, the purple gum whose box proudly declares “It still tastes like soap!” Somebody must buy it, but why?
35 - “Oye Mi Canto (Hear My Voice),” Gloria Estefan
The recently solo-billed Miami star returns to her Latin roots with this mambo about wanting to be respected. Nice to hear her stepping out of homogenized pop for a bit.
34 - “I Can’t Forget You,” Sonia
This Liverpudlian’s second hit is basic Stock/Aitken/Waterman product. She’s no Kylie, so it doesn’t matter now.
33 - “Swing the Mood,” Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers
The first of three medlery hits masterminded by Yorkshireman Les Hemstock and the father/son team of John and Andrew Pickles string together oldies by Glenn Miller, Elvis, the Everly Brothers, Little Richard, and more. It almost makes me long for Stars on 45. Almost.
32 - “State of Mind,” Fish
The first solo hit for former Marillion singer Derek Dick was this proggy pop song about fear and paranoia. He comes off like a second-rate Peter Gabriel here.
31 - “Never Too Much,” Luther Vandross
A remix of Luther’s debut single. The update was unnecessary, but giving more exposure to that voice cannot be criticized, er, too much.
30 - “Right Here Waiting,” Richard Marx
The Chicagoan’s blerggh ballad missed a Triple Crown by one British chart position. Arguably the most important triumph over Marxism in history.
29 - “The Real Wild House,” Raul Orellana
House en España from a Spanish DJ, with a lot of flamenco touches and an Iggy Pop sample. A cool little twist on the genre.
28 - “Oh Well,” Oh Well
This group’s only hit was this dance/rap cover of a 1969 hit by the early incarnation of Fleetwood Mac. This time the random sample is Moon Unit Zappa from her dad’s hit “Valley Girl.” Dumb fun.
27 - “Drama!” Erasure
The dance duo’s ninth hit was this anthemic call-out of someone who is wrapped up in shame and loathing. One of my favourites of theirs.
26 - “Love on a Mountain Top,” Sinitta
Ms. Malone’s seventh hit was a dance cover of Robert Knight’s Northern Soul hit. A tiny anthill.
25 - “Scandal,” Queen
Their 34th hit was this midtempo rocker about intrusive press, inspired by coverage of Brian May’s love life and speculation about Freddie Mercury’s health. Okay, but in the lower tier of their singles. And thanks to Bohemian Rhapsody, they’re suddenly the hottest rock band in the world, 29 years later. That’s half testament to their greatness, half sad commentary on the current state of rock.
24 - “The Best,” Tina Turner
This now-cliched anthem was first recorded by Bonnie Tyler. I’m sure she did well with it. Maybe not as good as Tina did, but the dream would be to hear them duet on it. I can picture heads exploding under the force of the intensity.
23 - “C’mon and Get My Love,” D-Mob with Cathy Dennis
The third hit for producer Daniel “Dancin’ Danny D” Poku was this catchy bit of house-pop that launched Dennis toward a solo career. I’m glad I came and got it.
22 - “Name and Number,” Curiosity Killed the Cat
The fourth hit by these Londoners was this loosey-goosey jazz-funk groove about trying to get hold of a lover. Another surprise gem.
21 - “Lean on You,” Cliff Richard
We can’t escape Sir Cliff for long, can we? This devotion ballad sounded like the times, but isn’t interesting enough that it would have been a definite hit by someone else. But Cliff probably guaranteed some spins on Radio 1 and a couple appearances on Top of the Pops, and presto, Top Twenty.
In Part Two: time, fire, and thoroughfares.
40 - “The Message is Love,” Arthur Baker and Al Green
Boston-born producer/remixer Baker teamed up with Reverend Green for this midtempo soul outing about how kindness and caring can heal the world. Okay song, but with Al singing, it becomes something great.
39 - “Take Care of Yourself,” Level 42
The bonus track from a greatest hits album. A more spirited than normal funk tune about looking out for number one. It only got this high, which is a shame. I would have rather they had been rewarded for stepping out of their comfort zone.
38 - “The Time Warp,” Damian
Mancunian Damian Davey had his only hit with a dance-pop cover of the classic number from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Not the worst idea, and it’s pretty well-executed. Damian’s snotty delivery works well, and the rapped step instructions weave in well. Still, there’s no replacing the original for inspiring madness-inducing pelvic thrusts.
37 - “The Sun Rising,” The Beloved
The first hit for this London outfit was this spacey house tune featuring a sample of a song written by the 12th century nun/composer/theologian St. Hildegard of Bingen. Some nice calming sounds to start your day with.
36 - “Chocolate Box,” Bros
The seventh Top Ten for the Goss twins was this tune about not wanting to be just one of many lovers. A lot of sweets are used as metaphors here. To me, this is more like Thrills, the purple gum whose box proudly declares “It still tastes like soap!” Somebody must buy it, but why?
35 - “Oye Mi Canto (Hear My Voice),” Gloria Estefan
The recently solo-billed Miami star returns to her Latin roots with this mambo about wanting to be respected. Nice to hear her stepping out of homogenized pop for a bit.
34 - “I Can’t Forget You,” Sonia
This Liverpudlian’s second hit is basic Stock/Aitken/Waterman product. She’s no Kylie, so it doesn’t matter now.
33 - “Swing the Mood,” Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers
The first of three medlery hits masterminded by Yorkshireman Les Hemstock and the father/son team of John and Andrew Pickles string together oldies by Glenn Miller, Elvis, the Everly Brothers, Little Richard, and more. It almost makes me long for Stars on 45. Almost.
32 - “State of Mind,” Fish
The first solo hit for former Marillion singer Derek Dick was this proggy pop song about fear and paranoia. He comes off like a second-rate Peter Gabriel here.
31 - “Never Too Much,” Luther Vandross
A remix of Luther’s debut single. The update was unnecessary, but giving more exposure to that voice cannot be criticized, er, too much.
30 - “Right Here Waiting,” Richard Marx
The Chicagoan’s blerggh ballad missed a Triple Crown by one British chart position. Arguably the most important triumph over Marxism in history.
29 - “The Real Wild House,” Raul Orellana
House en España from a Spanish DJ, with a lot of flamenco touches and an Iggy Pop sample. A cool little twist on the genre.
28 - “Oh Well,” Oh Well
This group’s only hit was this dance/rap cover of a 1969 hit by the early incarnation of Fleetwood Mac. This time the random sample is Moon Unit Zappa from her dad’s hit “Valley Girl.” Dumb fun.
27 - “Drama!” Erasure
The dance duo’s ninth hit was this anthemic call-out of someone who is wrapped up in shame and loathing. One of my favourites of theirs.
26 - “Love on a Mountain Top,” Sinitta
Ms. Malone’s seventh hit was a dance cover of Robert Knight’s Northern Soul hit. A tiny anthill.
25 - “Scandal,” Queen
Their 34th hit was this midtempo rocker about intrusive press, inspired by coverage of Brian May’s love life and speculation about Freddie Mercury’s health. Okay, but in the lower tier of their singles. And thanks to Bohemian Rhapsody, they’re suddenly the hottest rock band in the world, 29 years later. That’s half testament to their greatness, half sad commentary on the current state of rock.
24 - “The Best,” Tina Turner
This now-cliched anthem was first recorded by Bonnie Tyler. I’m sure she did well with it. Maybe not as good as Tina did, but the dream would be to hear them duet on it. I can picture heads exploding under the force of the intensity.
23 - “C’mon and Get My Love,” D-Mob with Cathy Dennis
The third hit for producer Daniel “Dancin’ Danny D” Poku was this catchy bit of house-pop that launched Dennis toward a solo career. I’m glad I came and got it.
22 - “Name and Number,” Curiosity Killed the Cat
The fourth hit by these Londoners was this loosey-goosey jazz-funk groove about trying to get hold of a lover. Another surprise gem.
21 - “Lean on You,” Cliff Richard
We can’t escape Sir Cliff for long, can we? This devotion ballad sounded like the times, but isn’t interesting enough that it would have been a definite hit by someone else. But Cliff probably guaranteed some spins on Radio 1 and a couple appearances on Top of the Pops, and presto, Top Twenty.
In Part Two: time, fire, and thoroughfares.
Friday, November 9, 2018
The Old Man’s Ultimate 70s AT40 Uneasy Rider Tournament: Round One, Part 8
And finally we have the last bracket of the first round. The theme of this one is story songs. It’s a battle of bite-sized audio documentaries. Let’s get started.
THE NIGHT JOB WHERE YOU MEET INTERESTING PEOPLE BOWL
“Taxi,” Harry Chapin, 1972
vs. “Piano Man,” Billy Joel, 1974
Two tales of working men. Brooklyn folkie Chapin made it to #24 with a story about a San Francisco cabbie who picks up an old lover one night, and how the two reflect on how their lives didn’t turn out how they had planned. Meanwhile, Bronx native Joel reached #25 with his breakthrough single, which was based on his experiences tickling the ivories at a Los Angeles bar.
Final Score: Piano 28, Taxi 17. Billy’s boys were just happier to be there, not mourning lost loves or failed dreams of being a pilot. Plus they got a great performance from Davy, who’s still in the Navy. The raucous celebration of their victory is still going on.
THE OLD MEN AND THEIR STORIES BOWL
“Mr. Bojangles,” The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, 1971
vs. “The Gambler,” Kenny Rogers, 1979
Two songs that take the form of younger men recalling meetings they had with interesting elders. First, a California country-rock band got to #9 with a song about meeting a homeless tap dancer in a New Orleans jail cell. Then, Rogers hit #16 by recounting a fictional meeting between himself and an elderly cardsharp.
Final Score: Bojangles 38, Gambler 13. In a battle of fancy footwork versus calculated risk taking, the Bojangles danced away with a comfortable win. Even when you know when to hold them and when to fold them, the cards don’t always go your way.
THE REAL LIFE MASS DEATH BOWL
“The Battle Hymn If Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,” Gordon Lightfoot, 1976
Two songs inspired by headline-making tragedies. Alabama disc jockey Nelson and a group of studio musicians hit #37 with a patriotic-sounding defence of William Calley, the only American soldier convicted in the 1968 massacre of unarmed Vietnamese civilians at My Lai. Meanwhile, Canadian troubadour Lightfoot had a #2 with his epic about the 1975 sinking of a freight ship in Lake Superior.
Final Score: Hymn 51, Wreck 19. Though it was played in the gales of November, the Edmund Fitzgerald crew were thoroughly dominated by the all-out, anything-for-victory attitude of C Company. They are a dangerous team in more ways than one.
THE OLD-TIMEY WAR STORIES BOWL
“The Last Farewell,” Roger Whittaker, 1975
vs. “Fernando,” ABBA, 1976
Two songs that evoke images of the days when armed conflict was very low-tech. British folksinger Whittaker got to #19 with a song about a sailor leaving his lover to go fight in some nonspecific battle. Then, Sweden’s finest hit #13 with a tune about two Mexican soldiers reminiscing about the war for Texas independence.
Final Score: Fernando 10, Farewell 3. A defensive struggle, but in a game played under bright stars, there was something in the air that allowed the close-knit ABBA team to get the victory. Farewell, Mr. Whittaker.
THE CORPORATE NAMECHECK BOWL
“Kodachrome,” Paul Simon, 1973
vs. “One Piece at a Time,” Johnny Cash, 1976
Two songs that provided free advertising for famous brands. Rhymin’ Simon went to #2 with a song about looking back on the past through photos taken with a Nikon on Kodak film. Then, the Man in Black reached #29 with a record about a General Motors autoworker who puts together a Cadillac out of parts he smuggled out of the plant over a period of 20-plus years.
Final Score: Piece 24, Kodachrome 10. It took Cash a long time to assemble his squad, and they didn’t necessarily appear to be a unit that would work together cohesively, but they formed a finely-tuned machine that drove to a win. Simon was disappointed with the loss, but he did take a nice team picture of his players to remember them by.
THE CLEDUS “SNOWMAN” SNOW BOWL
“Amos Moses,” Jerry Reed, 1971
vs. “When You’re Hot, You’re Hot,” Jerry Reed, 1971
A battle of two slabs of country-funk from actor/singer/Burt Reynolds sidekick Reed. First, he hit #8 with the story of a Louisiana boy famous for his ability to catch alligators in spite of only having one arm. Then, he got to #9 with a song about a gambler whose on a hot streak at craps until the local sheriff breaks up the game.
Final Score: Moses 42, Hot 21. The Hot boys were on a roll for most of the first half, going ahead 7-0, then 14-0, then 21-0. But late in the second quarter, they got called for a costly illegal procedure penalty, and after that, nothing went their way, and the brute strength and cunning of Moses romped from there.
THE SMOOTH SOUTHERN SEDUCTION BOWL
“Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves,” Cher, 1971
vs. “Leave Me Alone (Ruby Red Dress),” Helen Reddy, 1973
Two hits about young women who were deflowered by more experienced men. Cher had a #1 with a tale of the daughter of traveling Romany who is impregnated by an Alabama drifter. Meanwhile, Ms. Reddy hit #3 with the tale of an emotionally disturbed woman who wanders her hometown years after a heartbreaking and/or traumatic tryst with a Tennessee farm boy.
Final Score: Gypsies 23, Ruby 0. It came down to the fact that the Gypsies would do whatever they could to win, while the Ruby team played like they didn’t want to be there. So Cher’s team are back on their wagon and traveling to the next round.
THE WOMEN’S ADVANCEMENT BOWL
“Fancy,” Bobbie Gentry, 1970
vs. “Jennifer Tomkins,” Street People, 1970
Two songs about girls who grow up poor and try to have better lives as adults. Country singer Gentry made it to #31 with a song about a young lady whose mother makes her a sexy red dress and sends her out to “befriend” rich men. Meanwhile, Street People, a project of Archies singer Ron Dante and Rupert Holmes (the man behind both “The Pina Colada Song” and “Timothy”), reached #36 with a tune about a girl who is orphaned as a child, then abandoned by the love of her life as a grown woman.
Final Score: Fancy 38, Tomkins 7. The Fancy coach gave an inspiring pre-game speech, telling them that this was their one chance not to let her down. They didn’t. Their opponents returned to the street, muttering about life not being fair.
THE FATHER KNOWS BEST...SOMETIMES BOWL
“Patches,” Clarence Carter, 1970
vs. “Papa was a Rollin’ Stone,” The Temptations, 1972
Two songs about dead fathers. Blind Alabama soul man Carter got to #4 with a song about a poor boy who keeps his promise to his dying dad to perform tireless, backbreaking labour throughout his childhood to keep his family afloat. Two years later, the Temps went to #1 with a eulogy for a man who was a con-man, a bigamist, an alcoholic and an absentee father.
Final Score: Patches 34, Papa 21. Once again, an inspirational pregame speech led to victory. As well as the fact that Patches and co. had been practicing 16 hours a day beforehand. They would not stop giving it their all. The Temps’ team didn’t have a role model for persistence and hard work, so they couldn’t keep up. The winners weren’t ones to rest on their laurels, so they had a three-hour practice in full pads immediately after the game. One wonders how long the’ll be able to keep this up.
THE DON’T TAKE YOUR MAMA FOR GRANTED BOWL
“No Charge,” Melba Montgomery, 1974
vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
Two country songs about the gratitude one should have for one’s mother. Tennessean Montgomery made it to #39 with a record about a child who presents his mom with a bill for all the household chores he performs, only to have his mother reply with a bill for all she does for him, but without an amount owing, Meanwhile, singer/sausage king Dean reached #35 with a song about how he used to catalogue all the services he felt he owed his mother for, and how he knew that all he needed to do in the form of payment was love her.
Final Score: I.O.U. 27, Charge 10. The first half saw Dean’s tam motivated, while Melba’s men seemed more concerned about a contract dispute. This was resolved at halftime, but their opponents kept playing with the same spirit, so the gap could not be closed.
THE INSPIRATIONAL DEAD LOVED ONES BOWL
“Rocky,” Austin Roberts, 1975
vs. “The Last Game of the Season (A Blind Man in the Bleachers),” David Geddes, 1975
Two songs about males who rely on deceased relatives to help them do things. Virginian Roberts hit #9 with a song about meeting a woman whom he marries and has a child with, but then dies and helps him continue living through her memory. Geddes, meanwhile, climbed to #18 with a song about a high schooler who never gets into the football games his blind father attends, but on the day his dad dies, he gets to play and leads his team to an improbable victory.
Final Score: Blind 41, Rocky 38. Everything went Roberts’ way in the first half, while Geddes’ guys were lacking in every way. But something seemed to change for both sides at halftime, and one of the Blind players came off the bench and led an amazing comeback. After the game, the hero simply pointed to an empty spot in the stands to explain his performance.
THE DRINK AWAY THE PAIN OF LEAVING A CAKE OUT IN THE RAIN BOWL
“Copacabana,” Barry Manilow, 1978
vs. “MacArthur Park,” Donna Summer, 1979
It’s lost love against lost dessert. Easy listening superstar Manilow made it to #8 with a disco track about a nightclub dancer whose lover is killed in a bar fight. A year later, Summer had a #1 with a cover of Richard Harris’ 1969 hit about baked goods being ruined by precipitation.
Final Score: MacArthur 17, Copacabana 10. Manilow had young legs on his side, but an injury to star player Tony near the end of the first half turned the game around, and their opponents’ enigmatic strategy, which involved wearing striped pants and incorporating moves from Chinese checkers, won the day. But it remains to be seen whether they’ll have the recipe for victory again.
THE THAT’S MY BOY BOWL
“Watching Scotty Grow,” Bobby Goldsboro, 1971
vs, “Cat’s in the Cradle,” Harry Chapin, 1974
Two songs about fatherhood. Goldsboro hit #11 by declaring that being there to see his son grow up is more entertaining than television, films or nightclubs. Later, Chapin topped the chart with a song about all the moments of his son’s childhood that he missed due to work.
Final Score: Cradle 31, Scotty 0. The Chapin team were focused on the game, while Goldsboro’s squad allowed their children to wander the sidelines, even letting one kid call the plays. None of their players knew what kind of play “BRLFQ” was, but they didn’t care, it was having that quality time with the kids that was most important.. The Cradle team scoffed, secure in the knowledge that they were the ones who had their priorities straight. But will they always feel that way?
THE GETTING OUT BOWL
“Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree,” Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973
vs. “How You Gonna See Me Now,” Alice Cooper, 1978
Two hits about people being released from institutions. Tony and Dawn went to #1 with a song about a man wondering if he will be welcomed home from prison. Alice’s #12 challenger can be described the same way, except substitute “prison” for “mental hospital.”
Final Score: Ribbon 17, See 14. It was close throughout, but the Orlando boys found just enough at the end to win. Maybe it was the sudden appearance of a hundred pieces of yellow fabric tied to the goalposts when they lined up to kick the winning field goal. It’s reminiscent of how the Terrible Towels helped the Pittsburgh Steelers to championships in the 70s. Could the Rotten Ribbons have the same impact?
THE STRANGERS MAKING OFFERS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE BOWL
“Lizzie and the Rainman,” Tanya Tucker, 1975
vs. “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” The Charlie Daniels Band, 1979
Two hits about people confronting men who make crazy promises. Country star Tucker got to #37 with a tune about a man who claims he can bring rain to a doubt-stricken town and the sceptical citizen who challenges him. Meanwhile, Charlie D. returns with a #3 about a boy named Johnny who stakes his soul against a golden violin in a fiddle-off with Satan.
Final Score: Devil 56, Rainman 3. Tucker’s team wanted wet conditions, and they thought they had someone who could arrange that. But instead, the game was played in very hot conditions, and their opponents played supernaturally well. Strangely, the moment the final gun sounded,the rains actually came. Reports that there was some sort of wager on the game are unconfirmed.
THE SCARY STUFF BOWL
“Swamp Witch,” Jim Stafford, 1973
vs. “(The System of) Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether,” The Alan Parsons Project, 1976
Two songs that could be part of any good Halloween playlist. First, it’s Stafford again, this time with the #39 tale of a witch who uncharacteristically uses her magic to cure the fever-stricken town that has feared her for years. Then, an English prog outfit hit #37 with a song inspired by an Edgar Allan Poe story about mental patients who take over an asylum
Final Score: Witch 37, System 35. A thrilling contest, with many twists and turns. Stafford’s team’s ingestion of a mysterious substance may have made the difference, which is perfectly legal in this competition. After the game, a group of people stormed the field, claiming that they were the real Parsons team who had been kidnapped and replaced by rabid fans. This is under investigation, but the result of the game will stand,
So finally, we’re done the first round. You could definitely argue about songs that made the cut and ones that didn’t, but as the one-man selection committee, I’m satisfied that we’ve had a an exciting tournament so far. And the competition should be even better in Round 2. But we’lol be heading back to England before then. See you soon.
THE NIGHT JOB WHERE YOU MEET INTERESTING PEOPLE BOWL
“Taxi,” Harry Chapin, 1972
vs. “Piano Man,” Billy Joel, 1974
Two tales of working men. Brooklyn folkie Chapin made it to #24 with a story about a San Francisco cabbie who picks up an old lover one night, and how the two reflect on how their lives didn’t turn out how they had planned. Meanwhile, Bronx native Joel reached #25 with his breakthrough single, which was based on his experiences tickling the ivories at a Los Angeles bar.
Final Score: Piano 28, Taxi 17. Billy’s boys were just happier to be there, not mourning lost loves or failed dreams of being a pilot. Plus they got a great performance from Davy, who’s still in the Navy. The raucous celebration of their victory is still going on.
THE OLD MEN AND THEIR STORIES BOWL
“Mr. Bojangles,” The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, 1971
vs. “The Gambler,” Kenny Rogers, 1979
Two songs that take the form of younger men recalling meetings they had with interesting elders. First, a California country-rock band got to #9 with a song about meeting a homeless tap dancer in a New Orleans jail cell. Then, Rogers hit #16 by recounting a fictional meeting between himself and an elderly cardsharp.
Final Score: Bojangles 38, Gambler 13. In a battle of fancy footwork versus calculated risk taking, the Bojangles danced away with a comfortable win. Even when you know when to hold them and when to fold them, the cards don’t always go your way.
THE REAL LIFE MASS DEATH BOWL
“The Battle Hymn If Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,” Gordon Lightfoot, 1976
Two songs inspired by headline-making tragedies. Alabama disc jockey Nelson and a group of studio musicians hit #37 with a patriotic-sounding defence of William Calley, the only American soldier convicted in the 1968 massacre of unarmed Vietnamese civilians at My Lai. Meanwhile, Canadian troubadour Lightfoot had a #2 with his epic about the 1975 sinking of a freight ship in Lake Superior.
Final Score: Hymn 51, Wreck 19. Though it was played in the gales of November, the Edmund Fitzgerald crew were thoroughly dominated by the all-out, anything-for-victory attitude of C Company. They are a dangerous team in more ways than one.
THE OLD-TIMEY WAR STORIES BOWL
“The Last Farewell,” Roger Whittaker, 1975
vs. “Fernando,” ABBA, 1976
Two songs that evoke images of the days when armed conflict was very low-tech. British folksinger Whittaker got to #19 with a song about a sailor leaving his lover to go fight in some nonspecific battle. Then, Sweden’s finest hit #13 with a tune about two Mexican soldiers reminiscing about the war for Texas independence.
Final Score: Fernando 10, Farewell 3. A defensive struggle, but in a game played under bright stars, there was something in the air that allowed the close-knit ABBA team to get the victory. Farewell, Mr. Whittaker.
THE CORPORATE NAMECHECK BOWL
“Kodachrome,” Paul Simon, 1973
vs. “One Piece at a Time,” Johnny Cash, 1976
Two songs that provided free advertising for famous brands. Rhymin’ Simon went to #2 with a song about looking back on the past through photos taken with a Nikon on Kodak film. Then, the Man in Black reached #29 with a record about a General Motors autoworker who puts together a Cadillac out of parts he smuggled out of the plant over a period of 20-plus years.
Final Score: Piece 24, Kodachrome 10. It took Cash a long time to assemble his squad, and they didn’t necessarily appear to be a unit that would work together cohesively, but they formed a finely-tuned machine that drove to a win. Simon was disappointed with the loss, but he did take a nice team picture of his players to remember them by.
THE CLEDUS “SNOWMAN” SNOW BOWL
“Amos Moses,” Jerry Reed, 1971
vs. “When You’re Hot, You’re Hot,” Jerry Reed, 1971
A battle of two slabs of country-funk from actor/singer/Burt Reynolds sidekick Reed. First, he hit #8 with the story of a Louisiana boy famous for his ability to catch alligators in spite of only having one arm. Then, he got to #9 with a song about a gambler whose on a hot streak at craps until the local sheriff breaks up the game.
Final Score: Moses 42, Hot 21. The Hot boys were on a roll for most of the first half, going ahead 7-0, then 14-0, then 21-0. But late in the second quarter, they got called for a costly illegal procedure penalty, and after that, nothing went their way, and the brute strength and cunning of Moses romped from there.
THE SMOOTH SOUTHERN SEDUCTION BOWL
“Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves,” Cher, 1971
vs. “Leave Me Alone (Ruby Red Dress),” Helen Reddy, 1973
Two hits about young women who were deflowered by more experienced men. Cher had a #1 with a tale of the daughter of traveling Romany who is impregnated by an Alabama drifter. Meanwhile, Ms. Reddy hit #3 with the tale of an emotionally disturbed woman who wanders her hometown years after a heartbreaking and/or traumatic tryst with a Tennessee farm boy.
Final Score: Gypsies 23, Ruby 0. It came down to the fact that the Gypsies would do whatever they could to win, while the Ruby team played like they didn’t want to be there. So Cher’s team are back on their wagon and traveling to the next round.
THE WOMEN’S ADVANCEMENT BOWL
“Fancy,” Bobbie Gentry, 1970
vs. “Jennifer Tomkins,” Street People, 1970
Two songs about girls who grow up poor and try to have better lives as adults. Country singer Gentry made it to #31 with a song about a young lady whose mother makes her a sexy red dress and sends her out to “befriend” rich men. Meanwhile, Street People, a project of Archies singer Ron Dante and Rupert Holmes (the man behind both “The Pina Colada Song” and “Timothy”), reached #36 with a tune about a girl who is orphaned as a child, then abandoned by the love of her life as a grown woman.
Final Score: Fancy 38, Tomkins 7. The Fancy coach gave an inspiring pre-game speech, telling them that this was their one chance not to let her down. They didn’t. Their opponents returned to the street, muttering about life not being fair.
THE FATHER KNOWS BEST...SOMETIMES BOWL
“Patches,” Clarence Carter, 1970
vs. “Papa was a Rollin’ Stone,” The Temptations, 1972
Two songs about dead fathers. Blind Alabama soul man Carter got to #4 with a song about a poor boy who keeps his promise to his dying dad to perform tireless, backbreaking labour throughout his childhood to keep his family afloat. Two years later, the Temps went to #1 with a eulogy for a man who was a con-man, a bigamist, an alcoholic and an absentee father.
Final Score: Patches 34, Papa 21. Once again, an inspirational pregame speech led to victory. As well as the fact that Patches and co. had been practicing 16 hours a day beforehand. They would not stop giving it their all. The Temps’ team didn’t have a role model for persistence and hard work, so they couldn’t keep up. The winners weren’t ones to rest on their laurels, so they had a three-hour practice in full pads immediately after the game. One wonders how long the’ll be able to keep this up.
THE DON’T TAKE YOUR MAMA FOR GRANTED BOWL
“No Charge,” Melba Montgomery, 1974
vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
Two country songs about the gratitude one should have for one’s mother. Tennessean Montgomery made it to #39 with a record about a child who presents his mom with a bill for all the household chores he performs, only to have his mother reply with a bill for all she does for him, but without an amount owing, Meanwhile, singer/sausage king Dean reached #35 with a song about how he used to catalogue all the services he felt he owed his mother for, and how he knew that all he needed to do in the form of payment was love her.
Final Score: I.O.U. 27, Charge 10. The first half saw Dean’s tam motivated, while Melba’s men seemed more concerned about a contract dispute. This was resolved at halftime, but their opponents kept playing with the same spirit, so the gap could not be closed.
THE INSPIRATIONAL DEAD LOVED ONES BOWL
“Rocky,” Austin Roberts, 1975
vs. “The Last Game of the Season (A Blind Man in the Bleachers),” David Geddes, 1975
Two songs about males who rely on deceased relatives to help them do things. Virginian Roberts hit #9 with a song about meeting a woman whom he marries and has a child with, but then dies and helps him continue living through her memory. Geddes, meanwhile, climbed to #18 with a song about a high schooler who never gets into the football games his blind father attends, but on the day his dad dies, he gets to play and leads his team to an improbable victory.
Final Score: Blind 41, Rocky 38. Everything went Roberts’ way in the first half, while Geddes’ guys were lacking in every way. But something seemed to change for both sides at halftime, and one of the Blind players came off the bench and led an amazing comeback. After the game, the hero simply pointed to an empty spot in the stands to explain his performance.
THE DRINK AWAY THE PAIN OF LEAVING A CAKE OUT IN THE RAIN BOWL
“Copacabana,” Barry Manilow, 1978
vs. “MacArthur Park,” Donna Summer, 1979
It’s lost love against lost dessert. Easy listening superstar Manilow made it to #8 with a disco track about a nightclub dancer whose lover is killed in a bar fight. A year later, Summer had a #1 with a cover of Richard Harris’ 1969 hit about baked goods being ruined by precipitation.
Final Score: MacArthur 17, Copacabana 10. Manilow had young legs on his side, but an injury to star player Tony near the end of the first half turned the game around, and their opponents’ enigmatic strategy, which involved wearing striped pants and incorporating moves from Chinese checkers, won the day. But it remains to be seen whether they’ll have the recipe for victory again.
THE THAT’S MY BOY BOWL
“Watching Scotty Grow,” Bobby Goldsboro, 1971
vs, “Cat’s in the Cradle,” Harry Chapin, 1974
Two songs about fatherhood. Goldsboro hit #11 by declaring that being there to see his son grow up is more entertaining than television, films or nightclubs. Later, Chapin topped the chart with a song about all the moments of his son’s childhood that he missed due to work.
Final Score: Cradle 31, Scotty 0. The Chapin team were focused on the game, while Goldsboro’s squad allowed their children to wander the sidelines, even letting one kid call the plays. None of their players knew what kind of play “BRLFQ” was, but they didn’t care, it was having that quality time with the kids that was most important.. The Cradle team scoffed, secure in the knowledge that they were the ones who had their priorities straight. But will they always feel that way?
THE GETTING OUT BOWL
“Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree,” Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973
vs. “How You Gonna See Me Now,” Alice Cooper, 1978
Two hits about people being released from institutions. Tony and Dawn went to #1 with a song about a man wondering if he will be welcomed home from prison. Alice’s #12 challenger can be described the same way, except substitute “prison” for “mental hospital.”
Final Score: Ribbon 17, See 14. It was close throughout, but the Orlando boys found just enough at the end to win. Maybe it was the sudden appearance of a hundred pieces of yellow fabric tied to the goalposts when they lined up to kick the winning field goal. It’s reminiscent of how the Terrible Towels helped the Pittsburgh Steelers to championships in the 70s. Could the Rotten Ribbons have the same impact?
THE STRANGERS MAKING OFFERS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE BOWL
“Lizzie and the Rainman,” Tanya Tucker, 1975
vs. “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” The Charlie Daniels Band, 1979
Two hits about people confronting men who make crazy promises. Country star Tucker got to #37 with a tune about a man who claims he can bring rain to a doubt-stricken town and the sceptical citizen who challenges him. Meanwhile, Charlie D. returns with a #3 about a boy named Johnny who stakes his soul against a golden violin in a fiddle-off with Satan.
Final Score: Devil 56, Rainman 3. Tucker’s team wanted wet conditions, and they thought they had someone who could arrange that. But instead, the game was played in very hot conditions, and their opponents played supernaturally well. Strangely, the moment the final gun sounded,the rains actually came. Reports that there was some sort of wager on the game are unconfirmed.
THE SCARY STUFF BOWL
“Swamp Witch,” Jim Stafford, 1973
vs. “(The System of) Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether,” The Alan Parsons Project, 1976
Two songs that could be part of any good Halloween playlist. First, it’s Stafford again, this time with the #39 tale of a witch who uncharacteristically uses her magic to cure the fever-stricken town that has feared her for years. Then, an English prog outfit hit #37 with a song inspired by an Edgar Allan Poe story about mental patients who take over an asylum
Final Score: Witch 37, System 35. A thrilling contest, with many twists and turns. Stafford’s team’s ingestion of a mysterious substance may have made the difference, which is perfectly legal in this competition. After the game, a group of people stormed the field, claiming that they were the real Parsons team who had been kidnapped and replaced by rabid fans. This is under investigation, but the result of the game will stand,
So finally, we’re done the first round. You could definitely argue about songs that made the cut and ones that didn’t, but as the one-man selection committee, I’m satisfied that we’ve had a an exciting tournament so far. And the competition should be even better in Round 2. But we’lol be heading back to England before then. See you soon.
Sunday, November 4, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 October 12, 1974 Part Two
The end.
20 - “Machine Gun,” Commodores
Before all the ballads and “Brick House,” these Alabamians had their first hit with a funk instrumental. Spacey, gutbucket goodness.
19 - “I Got the Music in Me,” The Kiki Dee Band
The third hit for the future Elton John duet partner (and the only one to cross the pond) was this rocker about being full of it...rock, that is. This is like a bridge between Tina Turner and Suzi Quatro.
18 - “Y Viva Espana,” Sylvia
It's about Spain, it was originally written in Dutch by a Belgian, here it's sung in English ny a Swede, and it sounds like a polka. If this is the product of a united Europe, maybe Brexit isn't such a bad idea after all.
17 - “(You’re) Having My Baby,” Paul Anka
Almost a Triple Crown for the Anka man, but denied by the Brits, who held it to #6. I thought it would have completed the hat trick, given their taste for treacle.
16 - “The Bitch is Back,” Elton John
Sir Elton’s nit-picking, glue-sniffing anthem only got to #15 here, but it became his sixth #1 in Canada. To that point, he’d had two in the U.S., and...zero at home. Whoa.
15 - “Farewell/Bring it On Home to Me,” Rod Stewart
Roddy’s seventh Top Ten was double-sided. The A is a wistful rocker about a boy leaving his loved ones to seek his fortune in the big wide world. The B is a medley of two Sam Cooke classics. The A is nice, but the flip is more memorable as a showcase for his voice.
14 - “I Get a Kick Out of You,” Gary Shearston
This Aussie folkie had his only U.K. success with a cover of the Cole Porter standard about a lover more thrilling and intoxicating than anything. It’s a little jarring hearing it this way, similar to that Hawaiian guy’s cover of “Over the Rainbow.” But this is cooler, and also has the advantage of not being overused in ads and films.
13 - “Reggae Tune,” Andy Fairweather Low
This Welsh guitarist first found success with the band Amen Corner, than picked up a few solo hits, including this, um, reggae tune. He reminds me of Eric Clapton a lot on this, But it’s worth a listen. He does all right.
12 - “Queen of Clubs,” KC and the Sunshine Band
Before his Big Three, Harry Casey managed a Top Ten here with this almost-disco ode to a lady who rules dance floors. Grittier than what they’d become.
11 - “Everything I Own,” Ken Boothe
This Jamaican picked up a #1 here by covering a 1972 Bread hit reggae-style. He freshened up a stale recipe.
10 - “Knock on Wood,” David Bowie
Bowie scores again with a glam cover of Eddie Floyd’s 1966 soul hit. It works just as well here as when Amii Stewart took it to the disco five years later.
9 - “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe,” Barry White
Baby, you know, America showed him enough love to give this a #1. And Canada, that sweet thing, put it in the Top Five. Britain, well, they were a little shy, and only got it up to #8. But it’s all good. Any love is good love, if you make it good. Awwwwwawwwwbaby!
8 - “You You You,” Alvin Stardust
A-Star’s fourth hit was this competent piece of glamabilly. I get less impressed with him with every new song I hear.
7 - “Hang On in There Baby,” Johnny Bristol
The big hit from this North Carolinian. He does the Barry White thing before Barry completely claimed it. And he does it well, with more of a Lou Rawls smoothness.
6 - “Long Tall Glasses (I Can Dance),” Leo Sayer
The pride of Essex with a banjo-decorated tale of how the promise of copious amounts of food brought out his inner Baryshnikov. Pre-falsetto Leo is the best Leo.
5 - “Gee Baby,” Peter Shelley
The first of two Top Fives for the actual singer of Alvin Stardust’s “My Coo Ca Choo” was this 50s-style pop ballad. So sincere it borders on parody.
4 - “Kung Fu Fighting,” Carl Douglas
Possibly the definitive one-hit wonder. It got a Triple Crown, and topped at least nine other countries’ charts. A Dirty Dozen, if you will.
3 - “Sad Sweet Dreamer,” Sweet Sensation
This Manchester soul group had a #1 with a pretty good imitation of the Philly sound. I like it better than when I first heard it on an AT40. It’s just one of those things you put down to experience.
2 - “Rock Me Gently,” Andy Kim
The Montrealer’s perfect pop-rock earworm came exactly this close to a Triple Crown. Unfortunately, he had never been loved like this again.
1 - “Annie’s Song,” John Denver
This was his only hit over here, and he made it count by collecting the third jewel required for a Triple Crown. And for the record, “Annie” was his wife, although seeing as he wrote it on a ski lift, it was probably thin mountain air that was filling up his senses.
Next time, we finally finish the first round of the tournament. See you then.
20 - “Machine Gun,” Commodores
Before all the ballads and “Brick House,” these Alabamians had their first hit with a funk instrumental. Spacey, gutbucket goodness.
19 - “I Got the Music in Me,” The Kiki Dee Band
The third hit for the future Elton John duet partner (and the only one to cross the pond) was this rocker about being full of it...rock, that is. This is like a bridge between Tina Turner and Suzi Quatro.
18 - “Y Viva Espana,” Sylvia
It's about Spain, it was originally written in Dutch by a Belgian, here it's sung in English ny a Swede, and it sounds like a polka. If this is the product of a united Europe, maybe Brexit isn't such a bad idea after all.
17 - “(You’re) Having My Baby,” Paul Anka
Almost a Triple Crown for the Anka man, but denied by the Brits, who held it to #6. I thought it would have completed the hat trick, given their taste for treacle.
16 - “The Bitch is Back,” Elton John
Sir Elton’s nit-picking, glue-sniffing anthem only got to #15 here, but it became his sixth #1 in Canada. To that point, he’d had two in the U.S., and...zero at home. Whoa.
15 - “Farewell/Bring it On Home to Me,” Rod Stewart
Roddy’s seventh Top Ten was double-sided. The A is a wistful rocker about a boy leaving his loved ones to seek his fortune in the big wide world. The B is a medley of two Sam Cooke classics. The A is nice, but the flip is more memorable as a showcase for his voice.
14 - “I Get a Kick Out of You,” Gary Shearston
This Aussie folkie had his only U.K. success with a cover of the Cole Porter standard about a lover more thrilling and intoxicating than anything. It’s a little jarring hearing it this way, similar to that Hawaiian guy’s cover of “Over the Rainbow.” But this is cooler, and also has the advantage of not being overused in ads and films.
13 - “Reggae Tune,” Andy Fairweather Low
This Welsh guitarist first found success with the band Amen Corner, than picked up a few solo hits, including this, um, reggae tune. He reminds me of Eric Clapton a lot on this, But it’s worth a listen. He does all right.
12 - “Queen of Clubs,” KC and the Sunshine Band
Before his Big Three, Harry Casey managed a Top Ten here with this almost-disco ode to a lady who rules dance floors. Grittier than what they’d become.
11 - “Everything I Own,” Ken Boothe
This Jamaican picked up a #1 here by covering a 1972 Bread hit reggae-style. He freshened up a stale recipe.
10 - “Knock on Wood,” David Bowie
Bowie scores again with a glam cover of Eddie Floyd’s 1966 soul hit. It works just as well here as when Amii Stewart took it to the disco five years later.
9 - “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe,” Barry White
Baby, you know, America showed him enough love to give this a #1. And Canada, that sweet thing, put it in the Top Five. Britain, well, they were a little shy, and only got it up to #8. But it’s all good. Any love is good love, if you make it good. Awwwwwawwwwbaby!
8 - “You You You,” Alvin Stardust
A-Star’s fourth hit was this competent piece of glamabilly. I get less impressed with him with every new song I hear.
7 - “Hang On in There Baby,” Johnny Bristol
The big hit from this North Carolinian. He does the Barry White thing before Barry completely claimed it. And he does it well, with more of a Lou Rawls smoothness.
6 - “Long Tall Glasses (I Can Dance),” Leo Sayer
The pride of Essex with a banjo-decorated tale of how the promise of copious amounts of food brought out his inner Baryshnikov. Pre-falsetto Leo is the best Leo.
5 - “Gee Baby,” Peter Shelley
The first of two Top Fives for the actual singer of Alvin Stardust’s “My Coo Ca Choo” was this 50s-style pop ballad. So sincere it borders on parody.
4 - “Kung Fu Fighting,” Carl Douglas
Possibly the definitive one-hit wonder. It got a Triple Crown, and topped at least nine other countries’ charts. A Dirty Dozen, if you will.
3 - “Sad Sweet Dreamer,” Sweet Sensation
This Manchester soul group had a #1 with a pretty good imitation of the Philly sound. I like it better than when I first heard it on an AT40. It’s just one of those things you put down to experience.
2 - “Rock Me Gently,” Andy Kim
The Montrealer’s perfect pop-rock earworm came exactly this close to a Triple Crown. Unfortunately, he had never been loved like this again.
1 - “Annie’s Song,” John Denver
This was his only hit over here, and he made it count by collecting the third jewel required for a Triple Crown. And for the record, “Annie” was his wife, although seeing as he wrote it on a ski lift, it was probably thin mountain air that was filling up his senses.
Next time, we finally finish the first round of the tournament. See you then.
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