Our penultimate group has a lot of songs about music and the record biz, plus some topical-at-the-time hits.
THE HELL OF A BAND BOWL
“Rock and Roll Heaven,” The Righteous Brothers, 1974
vs. “The King is Gone,” Ronnie McDowell, 1977
Two hits that pay tribute to deceased rock stars. Unrelated twosome Bobby Hatfield and Bill Medley returned to the charts after eight years with a #3 ode to a handful of deceased rockers, from Hendrix and Joplin to Croce and Darin. Tennessean McDowell, on the other hand, narrowed his focus on his #13 tribute to the then-recently deceased Elvis Presley.
Final Score: King 42, Heaven 27. It was a case of one transcendent star finding a way to overcome a team of greats. The Righteous team treated imagined their subjects as angels, but McDowell’s effort was so reverential and hymnlike that it made Elvis seem like a god who visited Earth, ultimately making his opponents lose that winning feeling.
THE YOU CAN’T GO HOME AGAIN...OR CAN YOU? BOWL
“Garden Party,” Rick Nelson, 1972
vs. “Let ‘em In,” Wings, 1976
Two songs featuring reference to famous musicians, including a Beatle. Former teen heartthrob Nelson got to #6 with a song about and unpleasant experience at a rock nostalgia show. The lyrics refer to Chuck Berry, Bob Dylan, and John Lennon (“Yoko brought her Walrus.”). Meanwhile, Sir Paul et al reached #3 with a song about welcoming people into his home, including not just relatives of his and Linda’s, but the Everly Brothers (“Phil and Don”) and Ringo Starr (“Uncle Ernie,”a reference to Ringo playing that character on a London Symphony recording of The Who’s Tommy.
Final Score: Garden 20, Let 3. A methodical win for Nelson’s team, who were aggressive while the Wings were pretty laid-back. It may have helped that Rick evened the odds by throwing in a sly reference to a second Beatle in the form of “Mr. Hughes,” which was a road pseudonym for George Harrison.
THE ON THE WAY UP BOWL
“Overnight Sensation (Hit Record),” The Raspberries, 1974
vs. “Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You,” Jerry Corbetta and Sugarloaf, 1975
Two songs about bands trying to hit the big time. Cleveland’s Raspberries reached #18 by applying their power pop to an examination of the hitmaking process, from writing the song to making the demo tape to schmoozing radio programmers. Meanwhile, Denver-based Corbetta and company got to #9 with a bluesy rocker about being given the runaround by record executives when trying to get signed, and then being able to turn the tables when you get a hit.
Final Score: Call 27, Sensation 17. It would be easy to joke that any team from Cleveland trying to play football was bound to lose, but like this year’s Browns, the Raspberries made a good account of themselves. But Sugarloaf, borrowing from the Ray Stevens playbook, played in the nude for one second-quarter drive, allowing for an easy score. Plus they blinded their opponents on a crucial late drive by coating the football in glitter. After the game, reporters tried to contact the referee to ask why such tactics were allowed, but they were directed to a voicemail that promised a prompt reply. That reply has yet to come.
THE ROCKSTAR GOALS BOWL
“The Cover of the Rolling Stone,” Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show, 1973
vs. “We’re an American Band,” Grand Funk Railroad, 1973
More musical aspiration. First, a New Jersey band got to #6 with this Shel Silverstein-penned tune iabout a group that has everything they ever dreamed of...except a cover story on a certain popular rock periodical. Later that same year, a Michigan trio topped the charts with a hard rocking statement of their intent to drink, fornicate, and “party down” their way across their homeland while on tour.
Final Score: Cover 49, Band 45. An action-packed affair. Both sides could score seemingly at will, but in the end, the Grand Funkers got derailed late by the realization that there was no satisfactory destination awaiting at the end of their journey of debauchery. In contrast, Dr. Hook and his troupe had a goal to focus on, and, perhaps with the help of their “genuine Indian guru,” they stayed on the path and achieved their dreams of both advancing to the next round and getting their image rendered on the front of their magazine of choice.
THE HOW THE SAUSAGE GETS MADE BOWL
“This Song,” George Harrison, 1976
vs, “The Load-Out/Stay” Jackson Browne, 1978
Two songs about the inside of the music business. The quiet Beatle made it to #25 with a satirical reaction to his losing a copyright-infringement lawsuit about “My Sweet Lord”’s similarities to the Chiffons hit “He’s So Fine,” Meanwhile, California singer-songwriter Browne hit #20 with a description of what it’s like between an artists tour stops, from the roadies loading up the equipment onto the trucks to the band’s selection of audiovisual entertainment on the tour bus.
Final Score: Load 19, Song 9. Harrison’s side played very cautiously, not wanting to break rules and suffer costly penalties. This allowed the hard-working Browne team to grind out the win. They get to stay just a little bit longer, The tournament promoter don’t mind.
THE SONGWRITER SAFKA BOWL
“Look What They Done to My Song, Ma,” The New Seekers, 1970
vs. “The Nickel Song,” Melanie, 1972
Two songs that Melanie Safka wrote about...writing songs. First, the British light entertainment outfit made it to #14 with a ditty about not liking someone else’s version of your composition. Then, the author herself reached #35 with a number about record companies demanding her service for little compensation.
Final Score: Game cancelled. “Look What They Done...” advances via disqualification. Officials removed “The Nickel Song” because of its multiple mentions of gambling. The Old Man runs a clean tournament here, and he will not allow even the slightest hint of impropriety to sully this hallowed event. Ms. Safka’s punishment is a fine of $500, or she can write 10,000 songs and sign over their publishing rights.
THE RADIO RADIO BOWL
“WOLD,” Harry Chapin, 1974
vs. “FM (No Static at All,)” Steely Dan, 1978
Two songs about radio that got on the radio. Brooklyn folkie Chapin reached #36 with a tune sung from the point of view of an aging journeyman disc jockey telling his ex-wife about his current gig in Boise, Idaho. Then, pop’s leading jazz-rock iconoclasts made it to #22 with a tribute to/takedown of frequency modulated rock stations.
Final Score: Chapin 12, Dan 10. Experience in the running game gave the Chapin team the edge over the too slick Dan crew. The WOLD boys leave for another game in another town, something they’re used to. But the loss caused no static in the FM camp, because the girls don’t seem to care.
THE MUSIC ABOUT MUSIC BOWL
“Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me),” Reunion, 1974
vs. “Pop Musik,” M, 1979
Two hits that celebrate pop in different ways. Studio group Reunion got to #8 with a bubblegummy laundry list of people, groups, titles, lyrics, and other references to pop, rock, and other well-known music. Later, Brit Robin Scott had a #1 with a synthpop tribute to the endurance and universality of the hit song.
Final Score: Rock 66, Pop 3. Reunion rolled. They were just too fast, too relentless, too varied. Whether the game had been played in New York, London, Paris, or Munich, the result would have been the same.
THE LOOKING BACK BOWL
“American Pie,” Don McLean, 1972
vs. “Video Killed the Radio Star,” The Buggles, 1979
Two songs that celebrate nostalgia. New York troubadour McLean picked up a #1 with his long, cryptic rumination on pop using the recurring motif of “the day the music died.” On the other ed of the chart and the decade, England’s Buggles peaked at #40 in the last month of the 70s with a New Wave tribute to the pre-television days when “the wireless” ruled the world.
Final Score: Pie 59, Video 25. The McLean gang killed the Buggles softly, yet decisively. It was close at halftime, but when the Video team tried to come out for the second half, they were delayed by a marching band that insisted on finishing their song, and they weren’t the same team after that. After the game, the Buggles reportedly blamed the loss on someone, or something, with the initials “VCR.”
THE META AND METAPHOR BOWL
“Eighteen with a Bullet,” Pete Wingfield, 1975
vs. “Whispering/Cherchez la Femme/Se Si Bon,” Dr. Buzzard’s Original Savannah Band, 1976
A song that uses record biz lingo takes on a number that references a future music mogul. Englishman Wingfield got to #15 with a song that tries to impress a lover by comparing himself to a rising hit single. Meanwhile, a New York jazz-funk outfit hit #27 with a song about looking for love featuring a character named, “Tommy Mottola,” who was their then-manager and later run Sony Music and, for a time, be married to Mariah Carey.
Final Score: Bullet 18, Femme 9. Wingfield and company had the momentum, and they are now moving up the list. Dr. Buzzard’s team just couldn’t cherchez enough points.
THE HABIT BOWL
“No No Song,” Ringo Starr, 1975
vs. “Junk Food Junkie,” Larry Groce, 1976
Two songs about illicit temptations. The ex-Beatle drummer went to #3 with a song about a recovering addict who turns down offers of drugs and alcohol. A year later, Dallas-born musician Groce made it to #9 with a novelty hit about a secret, shameful jones for soda , sweets, and fast food.
Final Score: Junkie 21, No 20. You would expect that clean living would have triumphed over high-calorie indulgence, but it turned out that the Junkies’ size eked out a win after Ringo’s team missed a key extra point. It was the one thing they couldn’t kick. But at least they were able to find the door out of the stadium.
THE CRAZIEST PARTIES THAT COULD EVER BE BOWL
“Mama Told Me Not to Come,” Three Dog Night, 1970
vs. “Hotel California,” Eagles, 1977
Two Number Ones about strange gatherings. First, 3DN turned the trick with a Randy Newman composition about a small-town boy freaked out by a wild L.A. soirée. Seven years later, SoCal’s country-rock chroniclers hit the top with a metaphor-laden epic comparing Los Angeles to a mysterious, foreboding inn.
Final Score: Hotel 42, Mama 19. The Three Dog knights were having a good time for themselves early on, but as the game wore on, they were clearly rattled by the smell of colitas and the sight of their opponents attempting to stab an animal on the sidelines. Many of the Eagles’ opponents were forced to leave the game with symptoms of something called “the “Mercedes bends.” And even though the game has been over for a while, I’m told the Mama team has still been unable to find their way out of the stadium.
THE SOME OF THEM ARE GOOD PEOPLE BOWL
“Immigrant Song,” Led Zeppelin, 1971
vs. “The Immigrant,” Neil Sedaka, 1975
Two songs about strangers in strange lands. First, Led Zep got to #16 with a driving rocker about Viking invaders coming to conquer new territory. Then, Brill Building vet Sedaka reaches #22 with a song about hopeful people coming to America who are sometimes disappointed; it was inspired by U.S. government efforts to deport John Lennon for his activism.
Final Score: Zeppelin 55, Sedaka 0. Neil’s team could only manage a weak defense, which got them overpowered by the Vikingesque rampage of Zep. It didn’t help that the game was played in inclement weather, which played right in to the hands of the team from the land of ice and snow. Sedaka’s newcomers were sent back to where they came from.
THE WATER BOWL
“Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey,” Paul and Linda McCartney, 1971
vs. “Calypso,” John Denver, 1975
Two songs about boats and sailors. The McCartneys topped the charts with a three-part number that including a cheeky semi-tribute to real life American naval officer William “Bull” Halsey. Four years later, folkie Denver had his own #1 with a tribute to the research vessel used by world-renowned oceanographer Jacques Cousteau.
Final Score: Albert 33, Calypso 10. The McCartneys varied offence prevailed over the Denver strategy of simply diving straight ahead and seeing what happens. But the Calypso squad has apparently produced a fascinating documentary on their loss, complete with smart-sounding, French-accented narration.
THE BIG PRODUCTION NUMBER BOWL
“Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen, 1975
vs. “Summer Nights,” John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, 1978
Two songs that sound like they’re being performed by a cast of dozens. England’s most theatrical hard rockers made it to #9 with an operatic tale of crime, punishment and rebellion. Meanwhile, ex-Sweathog Travolta and pop princess Newton-John hit #5, with the help of their Grease castmates, with a tale of the summertime romance between their characters, Danny and Sandy.
Final Score: Rhapsody 40, Nights 13. The Bohemians dominated, with an attack that some compared to thunderbolts and lightning, leaving their opponents dreams ripped at the seams. But the Night squad are still in high school, so they have a future full of tune-filled adventures in front of them.
THE JUST LIKE THE MOVIES BOWL
“Disco Inferno,” The Trammps, 1978
vs. “Superman,” Herbie Mann, 1979
A pair of hits with some cinematic inspiration. Philadelphia funkers The Trammps got to #11 with a sing comparing dance floor action to a raging fire, not unlike what might happen in the 1970s disaster films produced by Irwin Allen. And jazz flautist Mann reached #26 with a tribute to Clark Kent’s alter ego, who was at the forefront of pop culture thanks to the hit movie starring Christopher Reeve.
Final Score: Inferno 31, Superman 7. Most expected an easy victory for the Man of Steel. But shockingly, it turned out that the boogie was his Kryptonite. Supe was too busy getting down to pay attention to the game, and the Trammps were able to fire up enough offense to win easily.
One more first round bracket to go. But back to Britain first. See you then.
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