The sixth first round bracket contains fads, space, food, and other goodies. Let’s jump in.
THE LET’S SMOKE A BOWL
“Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces,” Cheech and Chong, 1973
vs. “Sister Mary Elephant,” Cheech and Chong, 1974
A matchup between two tracks from the famed stoned comedy duo. First, they got to #15 with a soulful tale of a young man addicted to the game invented in 1891 by James Naismith. Then, they reached #24 with a spoken sketch in which a mild-mannered substitute-teaching nun controls her unruly class with intermittent exclamations of “SHADDDUP!”
Final Score: Jones 28, Elephant 17. Although football wasn’t his team’s primary sport, Shoelaces led his team to victory with unorthodox moves and an ability to get the entire crowd behind him. Despite her best efforts, Sister Elephant could not silence the audience, with the exception of a gentleman named Chris Schenkel.
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THE NAKED BLAXPLOITATION BOWL
“Superfly Meets Shaft,” John and Ernest, 1973
vs. “The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974
Two records that take the form of news reports. First, John Free and Ernest Smith went to #31 with a break-in record (produced by master of the form Dickie Goodman) that uses recent R&B hits to tell a story involving two popular African-American movie badasses. The next year, Georgia novelty king Stevens went all the way to #1 with a tale of a man participating in the then-popular fad of running naked through public gatherings.
Final Score: Streak 45, Superfly 3. Stevens’ team decided to play without protective equipment, or uniforms, or even athletic supporters. As tough and fearless as their opponents were, they were very careful in their tackling so as to not touch “out-of-bounds,” allowing the Streakers to, um, streak down the field, to the delight of their one cheerleader, an uninhibited lady named Ethel.
THE TAKE THE STONE FROM MY PALM GRASSHOPPER BOWL
“Kung Fu,” Curtis Mayfield, 1974
vs. “Kung Fu Fighting,” Carl Douglas, 1974
Two funky numbers featuring the name for a popular form of Chinese martial arts. Mayfield went to #40 with a song that isn’t about hand to hand combat, but rather has enigmatic lyrics about being of mixed race and not being able to fit in. Jamaican Douglas, on the other hand, was all about the fists and kicks, singing about action he saw in movies featuring characters with names like Billy Chin and Sammy Chong and going all the way to #1.
Final Score: Douglas 38, Mayfield 7. It was a battle of Douglas’ flashy moves and Mayfield’s psychological, gritty approach. The direct approach dominated. In fact, it was a little bit frightening.
THE I SAW THE MAN SAY THIS ON THE TEEVEE BOWL
“Whatcha See is What You Get,” The Dramatics, 1971
vs, “Dynomite,” Bazuka, 1975
Two songs based on catch phrases from popular comedy television shows. Detroit vocal group the Dramatics went to #9 with a song built on a line often spoken by Geraldine, a character played by comedian Flip Wilson on his eponymous variety series. Meanwhile, a group formed by producer Tony with a funk number whose only lyric is repetition of an expression popularized by J.J. Evans, a character played by Jimmie Walker on the Norman Lear sitcom Good Times.
Final Score: Dynomite 7, Whatcha 6. Close, with not much offense. The Dramatics probably would have won easily if all their players were flesh and blood, but for some reason, some of them were made of plastic, and others were made of wood. The Bazuka squad will need to be more explosive if they hope to go any further.
THE BREAKER ONE-NINE WHAT’S YOUR 20 BOWL
“Convoy,” C.W. McCall, 1976
vs. “The White Knight,” Cledus Maggard and the Citizens Band, 1976
A couple of dispatches from the period where trucker lingo was a mainstream fad. First, the character created for a bread commercial went to #1 with a tale of a rebellious group of 18-wheeler drivers avoiding “bears” aka the police. Meanwhile, Californian Jay Huguely got to #19 with a song about a trucker being tricked into breaking the speed limit by a “Smokey” posing as a fellow hauler.
Final Score: Knight 38, Convoy 35. A bit of an upset, but the White Knights outlasted their more renowned opponent with speed and relentlessness. They just wouldn’t stop flinging the lingo. And at the end of the game, Coach Smokey arrested Pig Pen, Rubber Duck, and the rest of the opposing team, adding them to his own lineup for their next game. This white knight could be a dark horse to watch.
THE SPACE INVADERS BOWL
“Come Sail Away,” Styx, 1977
vs. “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft,” Carpenters, 1977
Two songs about alien encounters. The Bob Seger of Chicago went to #8 with an epic power ballad about a sailor who is visited by beings he thinks are angels, but are in fact creatures from outer space. Meanwhile, Karen and Richard Carpenter got to #32 with a song about trying to telepathically contact extraterrestrial beings.
Final Score: Occupants 62, Sail 6. The Styx team thought they were dealing with two bland kids who would run simple plays like the “Close to You,” and the “We’ve Only Just Begun.” Instead, they unveiled some gadget plays like “Thought Energy” and “Interstellar Policeman.” By halftime, the Styxers looked more than ready to get back on their boat and set an open course for the virgin sea.
THE IT’S A BOY MRS. WALKER BOWL
“See Me, Feel Me,” The Who, 1970
vs. “Pinball Wizard/“See Me, Feel Me,” The New Seekers, 1973
Two singles containing parts of The Who’s 1969 rock opera Tommy. First, the originators reached #12 with the last two-thirds of the album-closing medley “We’re Not Gonna Take it. Three years later, a. British vocal group got to #29 by performing that same section and tying it to the LP’s centrepiece track, which details the title character’s prowess at a popular arcade game.
Final Score: Seekers 31, Who 21. Using more of their common playbook gave the imitators the shock win. An interested spectator was Elton John, who felt that if his version of “Pinball Wizard” has been a single in the U.S., he would have been able to beat both these teams.
THE BOLDLY GOING WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE BOWL
“Rocket Man,” Elton John, 1972
vs. “Space Oddity,” David Bowie, 1973
Astronautical action. The Englishman born Reginald Dwight made it to #6 with a song about the loneliness of being a space traveller, being separated from one’s loved ones for long periods of time and even longer distances. Then, another Englishman, this one born David Jones, got to #15 with a rerelease of his 1969 song about a star sailor named Major Tom who gets disconnected from Ground Control and is presumed to be forever lost in the cosmos.
Final Score: Oddity 27, Rocket 26. A tight game, but Bowie’s team played on a level that was just slightly more out of this world. Reporters surrounded winning quarterback Tom after the game, asking him whose shirts he wears. We will hear more from him.
THE PALM TREES AND BEEF BOWL
“Coconut,” Harry Nilsson, 1972
vs. “Cheeseburger in Paradise,” Jimmy Buffett, 1978
Two songs about edible matter. Nilsson went to #8 with a calypso number about a combination of fruit that causes discomfort sufficient to warrant a call to a physician. Buffett, meanwhile, reached #32 with an ode to eating ground beef and cheddar on a bun.
Final Score: Coconut 24, Cheeseburger 17. Nilsson’s team drank a mixture of lime and coconut just before the game, and were plagued by belly pains throughout the first half. At halftime, at the recommendation of the team doctor, they drank the same concoction. Miraculously, the team recovered fully, and they roared back to win. The Buffett team could console themselves with the fact that there were plenty of French-fried potatoes, Kosher pickles, and cold draft beer waiting for them at the team hotel.
THE CALM AND CHAOS BOWL
“Toast And Marmalade for Tea,” Tin Tin, 1970
vs. “Saturday Morning Confusion,” Bobby Russell, 1971
A matchup that pits relaxation against mayhem. An Australian band named for a Belgian cartoon with a gentle, Beatlesque ode to a simple meal and lovely company. Then, Nashville singer-songwriter Russell reached #28 with a country-rock narration of a typical busy Saturday in the life of a harried husband and father.
Final Score: Confusion 41, Toast 0. The Tin Tin side was completely overwhelmed by Russell’s active family, including Harry the Dog and her puppies and Jack the grill-stealing neighbour. Russell was pleased with the victory, but did not seem to look forward to having to manage his chaotic charges in their next game.
THE NOT READY FOR PRIME TIME BOWL
“King Tut,” Steve Martin and the Toot Uncommons, 1978
vs. “Rubber Biscuit,” The Blues Brothers, 1979
Two hits that trace their origins to the early years of Saturday Night Live. Frequent guest host Martin reached #17 with a song, first performed on the show, that was inspired by the touring exhibit of artifacts from the tomb of Egyptian Pharaoh Tutankhamen. Meanwhile, cast members John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd, portraying the characters Jake and Elwood Blues, made it to #37 with a cover of a 1956 doo wop song whose lyrics consist of scatting and references to fictional foodstuffs.
Final Score: Biscuit 23, King 20. The hungry veterans on the Blues side won the day over the younger, wealthier Tut team, confusing their opponents by calling signals like “Dull ow de moun' chicky hubba lubba,” and running trick plays like the “wish sandwich.” Despite the loss, Martin’s team will continue to tour the world to huge crowds, and hope to somehow fulfill their dream of winning a Grammy.
THE WHERE THE BOYS ARE BOWL
“YMCA,” The Village People, 1979
vs. “In the Navy,” The Village People, 1979
Two hits by New York’s costumed heroes about long-running institutions where men are in close quarters. They reached #2 with an ode to the helpful services of the Young Men’s Christian Association, then made it to #3 with a song encouraging enlistment in the seafaring branch of the United States Armed Forces.
Final Score: Navy 49, YMCA 16. The Naval Academy has a proud football tradition, and even though this wasn’t their main squad, the recruits they had were more than disciplined enough to conquer the less together young men on the other team. The losers immediately enlisted, and they will reportedly be performing their spelling-based dance routine at halftime of “In the Navy”’s future tournament games.
THE AUTOMOBILE CLEANSING BOWL
“Workin’ at the Car Wash Blues,” Jim Croce, 1974
vs. “Car Wash,” Rose Royce, 1976
Two songs with different views of working at a car wash. Croce made it #32 with a folk-rocker about a guy who feels trapped in his job because he is capable of being much more successful. On the other end, L.A. soul band Rose Royce got to #1 with a more optimistic outlook, focusing on the job’s social aspects, networking opportunities, and forgiving working environment.
Final Score: Croce 20, Rose 17 (OT). This was a fierce contest that required extra time to decide. In the end, one of the Rose Royce players picked a bad time to act a fool, and while his coach didn’t mind at the time, it allowed the Croce team to pick up the yardage to get into field goal range, and their kicker stopped daydreaming just long enough to boot the winner. Croce’s dreams of escaping the car wash live on, while his opponents happily return to their life of meeting superstars and Indian chiefs, because after all, it’s better than digging a ditch.
THE DECEPTIVELY DIRTY BOWL
“My Ding-a-Ling,” Chuck Berry, 1972
vs. “Shaving Cream,” Benny Bell, 1975
Two songs that skirt over potentially inappropriate language and subject matter. Rock legend Berry had his only #1 with a live-in-London recording of a tune about a boys love of a toy that may be “silver bells hanging on a string” or might be a part of his anatomy. Meanwhile, novelty singer Bell reached #30 with a three-decades-old recording of a song in which the verses seem like they should end with a synonym for excrement, but somehow, they don’t.
Final Score: Cream 28, Ding-a-Ling 23. Instead of recapping the game, I will instead give you excerpts from the two coaches’ postgame remarks. First, winning Coach Bell:
“My boys really came to play football,
They ran, and they threw, and they hit.
My team played like a bunch of All-Stars,
While the other guys, they played like shhh...aving cream,
Be nice and clean.
Shave every day and you’ll always look keen.”
And now, Coach Berry:
“Our quarterback, he threw the ball,
It looked like we might win it all.
But instead of trying to catch that thing,
The receiver was playing with his ding-a-ling-a-ling.”
THE LUCAS/SPIELBERG/DISCO BOWL
“Star Wars theme/Cantina Band,” Meco, 1977
vs. “Theme from Close Emcounters,” Meco, 1978
Two Meco Menardo disco versions of music from late 70s space blockbusters. First, he went to #1 with a medley of the main theme from George Lucas’ film about events that took place long ago and far away and the song played by the musicians at the Mos Eisley cantina where Luke Skywalker meets Han Solo. Then, he got to #25 with selections from the score of Steven Spielberg’s movie about aliens landing in Wyoming.
Final Score: Wars 54, Encounters 3. Lucas’ side had too much Force for Richard Dreyfuss and his extraterrestrial pals. At one point, the entire Spielberg squad simultaneously had difficulty breathing, as if they were being choked by some unseen hand. The most trouble the Star Wars team had was before the game, when there was a fierce debate over whether they should wear light or dark uniforms.
THE PICK ME UP BOWL
“Float On,” The Floaters, 1977
vs. “Short People,” Randy Newman, 1978
In our last match of this group, astrology takes on achondroplasiaphobia. First, a Detroit vocal group got to #2 with a soul ballad on which the four members list their Zodiac signs and the attributes they admire in women. Then, singer/pianist Newman reached #2 with a sarcastic pop song about a guy with an irrational hatred of the vertically challenged.
Final Score: Short 21, Float 0. Despite a height disadvantage, Newman’s team were focused and tenacious, while their opponents seemed to care more about chatting up cheerleaders and female spectators than playing the game. The winners then got into their compact cars to drive to the location of their next game, while the losers and their recently acquired companions were last seen boarding a bus bound for somewhere called Love Land.
The tournament will be back soon, but next up is another return to Britain. See you then.
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