THE BERTHA BUTT BOWL
“Troglodyte (Cave Man),” The Jimmy Castor Bunch, 1972
vs. “The Bertha Butt Boogie,” The Jimmy Castor Bunch, 1975
A pair of hit singles by New Yorker Castor featuring a certain female character. First, he went to #6 with his tale of an early man’s quest for female companionship which ended with him finding a willing partner in “one of the Butt sisters.” Three years later, he went to #16 describing how Bertha, with the help of siblings Betty, Bella and Bathsheba, introduced the world to a new dance.
Final Score: Boogie 38, Troglodyte 34. A close contest, full of fancy footwork and heavy hitting. In the end, the three additional Butt sisters made the difference, and up jumped the Boogie.
Final Score: Boogie 38, Troglodyte 34. A close contest, full of fancy footwork and heavy hitting. In the end, the three additional Butt sisters made the difference, and up jumped the Boogie.
THE TRANS-POSITIVITY (AT LEAST FOR THE 70S) BOWL
“Lola,” The Kinks, 1970
vs, “Earache My Eye Featuring Alice Bowie,” Cheech and Chong, 1974
Two hits about men in traditionally female garb. First, the Davies brothers’ band went to #9 with a tale of meeting a lady in a bar who isn’t quite who she seems, but instead of being repelled, he’s very much okay with it. Then, the legendary stoner comedy duo got to #9 themselves with a parody of glam rock featuring the title character boasting about how dressing and acting effeminately has made him rich and famous.
Final Score: Earache 27, Lola 17. The Lola team dominated the first half, but at the break, one of the Earachers’ fathers came in to the locker room to threaten the whole team with painful posterior punishment, which inspired them to take advantage of the fact that their opponents weren’t the world’s most physical guys. In spite of their defeat, the Lolas treated themselves to postgame champagne, which apparently tasted just like a popular soft drink.
Final Score: Earache 27, Lola 17. The Lola team dominated the first half, but at the break, one of the Earachers’ fathers came in to the locker room to threaten the whole team with painful posterior punishment, which inspired them to take advantage of the fact that their opponents weren’t the world’s most physical guys. In spite of their defeat, the Lolas treated themselves to postgame champagne, which apparently tasted just like a popular soft drink.
THE BOOTY BOWL
“Ain’t Gonna Bump No More (With No Big Fat Woman),” Joe Tex, 1976
vs. “Fat Bottomed Girls,” Queen, 1978
A big-ass matchup in more ways then one. First, soul veteran Tex made it to #12 by telling of his experience doing a disco step involving colliding buttocks with a large lady. Two years later, Freddie Mercury led his loyal subjects to #24 by celebrating the ample female form.
Final Score: Queen 17, Tex 16. A surprise to see Britons get the best of Texans on a gridiron, but the Queen team overcame their lack of experience with superior physical shape and stamina, possibly due to a training regimen featuring a lot of bicycling.
A big-ass matchup in more ways then one. First, soul veteran Tex made it to #12 by telling of his experience doing a disco step involving colliding buttocks with a large lady. Two years later, Freddie Mercury led his loyal subjects to #24 by celebrating the ample female form.
Final Score: Queen 17, Tex 16. A surprise to see Britons get the best of Texans on a gridiron, but the Queen team overcame their lack of experience with superior physical shape and stamina, possibly due to a training regimen featuring a lot of bicycling.
THE SEX IN DIFFERENT KINDS OF CARS BOWL
“Heaven on the 7th Floor,” Paul Nicholas, 1977
vs. “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” Meat Loaf, 1978
Two tunes about hookups in non-bedroom settings. First, British actor/singer Nicholas reached #6 with a tale of spontaneous carnal combustion in what is known in his country as a “lift.” Then, the man born Marvin Aday got to #39 with a tale of lustful teenage desperation in an automobile.
Final Score: Paradise 56, Heaven 0. This time, Texas trounced Britain as badly as expected. Most of the scoring took place in the first half, then Meat and his team spent the third quarter playing baseball instead of football until their star receiver yelled “Stop right there!” Then, after much debate about how it might affect the rest of their lives in the tournament, they decided to go for it and ended the game with a bang.
Two tunes about hookups in non-bedroom settings. First, British actor/singer Nicholas reached #6 with a tale of spontaneous carnal combustion in what is known in his country as a “lift.” Then, the man born Marvin Aday got to #39 with a tale of lustful teenage desperation in an automobile.
Final Score: Paradise 56, Heaven 0. This time, Texas trounced Britain as badly as expected. Most of the scoring took place in the first half, then Meat and his team spent the third quarter playing baseball instead of football until their star receiver yelled “Stop right there!” Then, after much debate about how it might affect the rest of their lives in the tournament, they decided to go for it and ended the game with a bang.
THE HEAVY BREATHING BOWL
“Pillow Talk,” Sylvia, 1973
vs. “Love to Love You Baby,” Donna Summer, 1976
Two hits featuring women simulating...um...feeling good. First, New Yorker Sylvia Robinson went to number 3 with an invitation to bed that someone apparently takes her up on, from the sound of the last minute or so of the song. Three years later, Summer, a Boston native who had spent the first several years of her career in Europe, made her home country breakthrough by going to #2 with a song whose vocals consist entirely of come-ons, coos, and moans of a somewhat suggestive nature.
Final Score: Baby 56, Pillow 14. Both teams came out strong on offense, seducing their opponents into willing surrender. But after the first quarter, Sylvia’s squad was spent, while the Summer team kept going, and going, and going, to the point where they had to be physically removed from the field. Will they have anything left for another round? I wouldn’t bet against it.
Final Score: Baby 56, Pillow 14. Both teams came out strong on offense, seducing their opponents into willing surrender. But after the first quarter, Sylvia’s squad was spent, while the Summer team kept going, and going, and going, to the point where they had to be physically removed from the field. Will they have anything left for another round? I wouldn’t bet against it.
THE BOOZE BOWL
“Spill the Wine,” Eric Burdon and War, 1970
vs. “Margaritaville,” Jimmy Buffet , 1977
A couple of songs with alcoholic titles. First, former Animal Eric Burdon hooked up with a California band and went to #3 with a song about having a hallucination involving women, wine, and pearls. Seven years later, Florida troubadour Buffet went to #8 with his frothy concoction about being lazy and drunk in an island paradise while getting over a breakup.
Final Score: Burdon 10, Buffett 6. A laid-back, low-scoring affair finally decided when Wine QB Burdon called a play called “Take That Pearl,” which confused everyone on the field but somehow led to the game’s only touchdown. In the postgame press conference, someone asked losing coach Buffett if an unnamed woman might have been to blame for the defeat. Buffett seemed to consider this for a few moments before finally conceding, “It’s my own damn fault.”
Final Score: Burdon 10, Buffett 6. A laid-back, low-scoring affair finally decided when Wine QB Burdon called a play called “Take That Pearl,” which confused everyone on the field but somehow led to the game’s only touchdown. In the postgame press conference, someone asked losing coach Buffett if an unnamed woman might have been to blame for the defeat. Buffett seemed to consider this for a few moments before finally conceding, “It’s my own damn fault.”
THE LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX, VAGUELY BOWL
“Squeeze Box,” The Who, 1976
vs. “Telephone Man,” Meri Wilson, 1977
A matchup of mating metaphors. First, The Who took a song about a married woman who keeps her husband awake every night with something that may be an accordion or might instead be her vagina to #16. The next year. Georgian Wilson girlishly cooed a jazzy story about having a man put a phone, and perhaps his penis, in for her all the way up to #18.
Final Score: Telephone 24, Box 13. The Who were expected to win on experience, having sung about the ins and outs of the game for years going back to “Pictures of Lily” and “A Quick One, While He’s Away.” But Wilson shocked them by being so winkingly knowledgeable and imaginative about the subject, and the plays she and her unnamed assistant installed allowed them to get a leg over and take the win.
Final Score: Telephone 24, Box 13. The Who were expected to win on experience, having sung about the ins and outs of the game for years going back to “Pictures of Lily” and “A Quick One, While He’s Away.” But Wilson shocked them by being so winkingly knowledgeable and imaginative about the subject, and the plays she and her unnamed assistant installed allowed them to get a leg over and take the win.
THE JIMMY LOVES MARY JANE BOWL
“Wildwood Weed,” Jim Stafford, 1974
vs. “I Got Stoned and I Missed It,” Jim Stafford, 1975
A pair of pot anthems from Florida novelty singer Stafford. First, he got to #7 with a couple county bumpkins who accidentally discover cannabis plants and their intoxicating properties. A year later, he got to #37 with a Shel Silverstein composition about excessive use of the sweet leaf can cause one to miss important moments in life.
Final Score: Wildwood 3, Stoned 0 (forfeit). The former didn’t know where they were or what they were doing there, but they at least showed up, which is more than can be said for their opponents. And for some reason, the fans in attendance did not seem angry about there not being a game to watch.
Final Score: Wildwood 3, Stoned 0 (forfeit). The former didn’t know where they were or what they were doing there, but they at least showed up, which is more than can be said for their opponents. And for some reason, the fans in attendance did not seem angry about there not being a game to watch.
THE WORDPLAY BOWL
“My Girl Bill,” Jim Stafford, 1974
vs. “If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me,” The Bellamy Brothers, 1979
Two songs whose titles could be misinterpreted. First, Stafford returns with a #12 that is not about a woman named William, but a male friend and romantic rival. Then, Floridians David and Homer Bellamywith a song wondering if a compliment about a woman’s physical appearance would provoke resentment. Or perhaps close bodily contact.
Final Score: Body 27, Bill 17. Both sides ran a lot of trick plays, but Stafford’s became more obvious as the game went on, while the Bellamys maintained inscrutability throughout. When asked if they felt nervous about their next game, they replied. “We’re not. Gonna win.”
Final Score: Body 27, Bill 17. Both sides ran a lot of trick plays, but Stafford’s became more obvious as the game went on, while the Bellamys maintained inscrutability throughout. When asked if they felt nervous about their next game, they replied. “We’re not. Gonna win.”
THE LATE NIGHT LOVIN’ BOWL
“Midnight at the Oasis,” Maria Muldaur, 1974
vs. “Ariel,” Dean Friedman, 1977
A pair of songs about wee-hours lovemaking. New York’s Muldaur went to #6 with a tune about one way to keep warm on cold desert nights. Meanwhile, Jersey boy Friedman made it to #26 with a song about meeting a quirky hippie vegetarian girl and eventually taking her home and having a tryst by the light of a television channel signing off.
Final Score: Ariel 38, Oasis 14. Friedman’s team just had a lot more depth and got a lot more yardage, Muldaur and company were playing hurt due to injuries suffered by dyeing too friendly with cacti, and they also hadn’t cleaned all the sand out of their uniforms after their practices.
Final Score: Ariel 38, Oasis 14. Friedman’s team just had a lot more depth and got a lot more yardage, Muldaur and company were playing hurt due to injuries suffered by dyeing too friendly with cacti, and they also hadn’t cleaned all the sand out of their uniforms after their practices.
THE RASPY ROCKIN’ RAUNCH BOWL
“Cat Scratch Fever,” Ted Nugent, 1977
vs. “Black Betty,” Ram Jam, 1977
A pair of songs that just exude sleazy sexuality. First, rock’s Motor City Madman went to #30 with his tale that evokes a certain feline euphemism for female genitalia. Then, New Yorkers Ram Jam got to #18 Tirana Southern rock style cover of a song popularized by blues man Leadbelly that could be about a sexually willing lady, or could also be about a gun, or a whip, or alcohol, or a police vehicle.
Final Score: Cat 10, Betty 9. It was close, but Ted beat his opponents versatility with firepower. Literally. He may not go much farther in this tournament, but he’ll make a lot of crazy noise while doing so.
Final Score: Cat 10, Betty 9. It was close, but Ted beat his opponents versatility with firepower. Literally. He may not go much farther in this tournament, but he’ll make a lot of crazy noise while doing so.
THE WHEELS ON SKATES AND DEALS ON DATES BOWL
“Brand New Key,” Melanie, 1971
vs. “Lady Marmalade,” Labelle, 1975
Two songs that take different approaches to describing sexual requests. Melanie Safka went to #1by telling a friend that he should try his key in her lock. On the other hand, a trio led by Patti Labelle had their own charttopper by voicing a New Orleans prostitute saying “Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?” Go ahead and Google translate that if you don’t know.
Final Score: Marmalade 55, Key 21. The Labelle team won with much greater aggression, as well as confusing signals like “Gitchie Gitchie ya ya da da.” Melanie immediately decides to return to the sports she knows best, cycling and roller skating.
Final Score: Marmalade 55, Key 21. The Labelle team won with much greater aggression, as well as confusing signals like “Gitchie Gitchie ya ya da da.” Melanie immediately decides to return to the sports she knows best, cycling and roller skating.
THE SMACK IS WACK BOWL
“Once You Understand,” Think, 1971
vs. “King Heroin,” James Brown, 1972
Two songs that are explicitly against the use of heroin an Southern hard street drugs. Studio group Think went to #23 with a white bread pop song overlaid with arguing parents and teenagers that ends suddenly with a police officer telling a man that his son has died of an overdose. Then the Godfather of soul got to #40 with a song on which he portrays the personification of heroin, boasting about the destruction he causes.
Final Score: King 35, Understand 34. This was a very close contest, with both sides effectively employing a strategy of trying to scare the shit out of each other. But Brother James tactic of constant threat and menace prevailed over the Think approach of slow burning shock. But this was always a game where the winner was going to be seen as a threat to do a lot of damage later.
Final Score: King 35, Understand 34. This was a very close contest, with both sides effectively employing a strategy of trying to scare the shit out of each other. But Brother James tactic of constant threat and menace prevailed over the Think approach of slow burning shock. But this was always a game where the winner was going to be seen as a threat to do a lot of damage later.
THE SUBCULTURAL REVOLUTION BOWL
“Walk on the Wild Side,” Lou Reed, 1973
vs. “Macho Man,” The Village People, 1978
Two songs about lifestyles that most people listening to pop radio would not have been familiar with. First, Reed, formerly of the band The Velvet Underground, hit #16 with a song about the hustlers, dreamers, drag queens, addicts and dealers that he knew when he was in Andy Warhol’s inner circle. Then, a flamboyantly costumed New York disco outfit reached #25 with a tune about men who are very dedicated to developing their fitness and musculature. Some people have interpreted it as more than that, that it’s about an even deeper appreciation of men’s bodies by other men, but that wasn’t emphasized at the time.
Final Score: Wild 28, Macho 24. The Village People’s team seemed much more physically imposing than their opponents, but Lou’s plucky band of outsiders were more unorthodox and adventurous, and they used that for a surprising victory that made their cheerleaders go “Doot, de doot, de doot, doo dee doo doot...”
Final Score: Wild 28, Macho 24. The Village People’s team seemed much more physically imposing than their opponents, but Lou’s plucky band of outsiders were more unorthodox and adventurous, and they used that for a surprising victory that made their cheerleaders go “Doot, de doot, de doot, doo dee doo doot...”
THE SEARCH FOR SOMETHING NEW BOWL
“Say, Has Anybody Seen My Sweet Gypsy Rose,” Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973
vs. “Escape (The Pina Colada Song),” Rupert Holmes, 1979
Two songs about couples who have grown apart in different ways. First, Mr. Orlando and his backing singers got to #3 about finding that his wife has left to dance naked in a burlesque show. Then, Holmes had a #1 with a song about a bored husband responds to a personal ad in the hope of meeting a more adventurous and exciting woman, only to find when he meets her that this thrilling new lady is none other than his wife.
Final Score: Gypsy 24, Escape 14. Orlando and crew employed strategies and formations not seem since the days of ragtime, which confused their thoroughly modern opponents, who were already disadvantaged due to hangovers from overconsumption of rum-based beverages the night before.
Final Score: Gypsy 24, Escape 14. Orlando and crew employed strategies and formations not seem since the days of ragtime, which confused their thoroughly modern opponents, who were already disadvantaged due to hangovers from overconsumption of rum-based beverages the night before.
THE DON’T LET HER GO BOWL
“Cheaper to Keep Her,” Johnnie Taylor, 1973
vs. “Lucille,” Kenny Rogers, 1977
Two songs about different aspects of relationships that aren’t working out. First, Johnnie T. made it to #15 with some jazzy advice about staying with your wife to avoid having to pay her alimony. Then, country star Rogers reached #5 about being picked up by a married woman in a bar but deciding not to follow through on the tryst after she is approached by her heartbroken farmer husband.
Final Score: Lucille 10, Cheaper 7. Both teams were averse to risk, but in the end, Lucille brought her husband onto the field, who just happened to be “built like a mountain.” Johnnie could not afford the kind of players who could stop a man of that size, and thus they lost. Then, his own wife decided to divorce him.
We’ll be back to the tournament action soon, but our next excursion will be to Canada. Join me again then.
Two songs about different aspects of relationships that aren’t working out. First, Johnnie T. made it to #15 with some jazzy advice about staying with your wife to avoid having to pay her alimony. Then, country star Rogers reached #5 about being picked up by a married woman in a bar but deciding not to follow through on the tryst after she is approached by her heartbroken farmer husband.
Final Score: Lucille 10, Cheaper 7. Both teams were averse to risk, but in the end, Lucille brought her husband onto the field, who just happened to be “built like a mountain.” Johnnie could not afford the kind of players who could stop a man of that size, and thus they lost. Then, his own wife decided to divorce him.
We’ll be back to the tournament action soon, but our next excursion will be to Canada. Join me again then.
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