An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 June 9, 1984 Part Two

Second half.

20 - “Break Dance Party,” Break Machine
This was the second Top Ten from Village People producer Jacques Morali’s effort to cash in on the burgeoning hip-hop culture.  Pretty much the same song as previous hit “Street Dance,” but not as good.

19 - “Thinking of You,” Sister Sledge
The Sledge siblings scored there first hit here in five years with this midtempo devotion jam.  Another great Nile Rodgers groove.

18 - “One Better Day,” Madness
The Nutty Boys got serious on this slow, Latin-flavoured number about people who have fallen on hard times reflecting on better days.  It was their lowest-charting of eighteen singles to that point, but when you see it’s still Top 20, that’s pretty impressive.  And I think it deserved a bit better.

17 - “Red Guitar,” David Sylvian
After leaving the successful group Japan, Beckenham’s Sylvian picked up his first and biggest solo hit with this atmospheric number about how he is most comfortable playing the titular instrument, which he calls “the iron in my soul.”  A bit New Wave, a bit jazz, all great.

16 - “Relax,” Frankie Goes to Hollywood
The Frankies were more than halfway through their yearlong chart run with this iconic single.  No one has made synths sexier since.  Laser beam me, indeed.

15 - “I Want to Break Free,” Queen
Again, we encounter the song that made America squeamish because the band dressed like women in the video.  They missed out on a great pop song because of it.  But American manhood was saved.  Fair trade, I guess.

14 - “Automatic,” The Pointer Sisters
Another look at Ruth, June and Anita’s only Top Five here.  Ruth’s uncharacteristically low lead vocal still impresses and seduces.

13 - “Smalltown Boy,” Bronski Beat
The breakthrough for Jimmy Somerville and company was this melancholy disco-blues about a young gay man in a tiny hamlet who feels he needs to leave his home to escape bullying and loneliness and find acceptance and love.  The pain and isolation is palpable.  It’s a great and important song.  Top Five here, Top Ten in Canada, and...#48 in America.  But given what I described about the Queen situation, I think I’ll give them credit for getting it that high.

12 - “Sad Songs (Say So Much),” Elton John
Elton does a tune about downbeat tunes.  It’s a hit everywhere, and it’s better than I remember.  A bright spot in an uneven decade.

11 - “Feel Like Buddy Holly,” Alvin Stardust 
The artist also known as Bernard Jewry and Shane Fenton had one final run this year, scoring two Top Tens.  The first was this loneliness ballad that name drops not only Holly, but also Paul McCartney and Paul Simon.  It also contains not so subtle references to songs made famous by Elvis and Roy Orbison.  It’s not much.  Writer/producer Mike Batt did better stuff with The Wombles.

A double plus good Top Ten.

10 - “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now,” The Smiths
The third hit and first Top Ten for the Manchester mopemeisters sees Morrissey depressed by love, ex, employment, alcohol, and people in general, many of whom he’d like to “kick in the eye.”  Like much of the band’s best work, it’s a beautiful downer.

9 - “High Energy,” Evelyn Thomas
The second and biggest hit for the Chicago singer was this spirited dance track about love that makes one happier than “all the gold in Fort Knox.”  It became so popular and influential in the club scene that a new genre was named after it, although respelled “Hi-NRG.”  You can certainly hear it’s echoes in pretty much everything Stock/Aitken/Waterman would go on to produce.

8 - “Pearl in the Shell,” Howard Jones
The fourth hit for the Southampton man was this burbly pop song about letting fear stop you from living up to your potential.  The saxophone parts are the standout bit.

7 - “You’re the Best Thing,” The Style Council
The sixth hit from Paul Weller’s second act was this sweet soul song about romantic contentment.  His smoothness here was as convincing as his anger with The Jam.  Impressive versatility.

6 - “ Searchin’,” Hazell Dean
Chelmsford native Hazell Dean Poole started as a more traditional pop singer, but she didn’t find success until the second release of this very disco number about looking for love.  Another song that would be placed in the Hi-NRG genre, and a very good one.

5 - “Only When You Leave,” Spandau Ballet 
The fifth and final Top Five for the Islington New Romantics was this slick, sophisticated track about wanting more from a one-night stand.  It stands with their best moments.

4 - “The Reflex,” Duran Duran
Their hit about using and bruising and lucky clover got two thirds of a Triple Crown, but Canada denied it, in spite of the fact that the video was filmed in Toronto’s Maple Leaf Gardens.  Not the only trophy the Leafs have missed out on being a part of in the last fifty years.

3 - “Dancing with Tears in My Eyes,” Ultravox
The second and last Top Five for Midge Ure’s boys was this synthpopper about realizing you’re in the middle of a deadly catastrophe, depicted in the video as a nuclear meltdown.  Interesting that this came out between Three Mile Island and Chernobyl.  Probably their best hit.

2 - “Let’s Hear it for the Boy,” Deneice Williams
Another denied Triple Crown for the Footloose soundtrack, and once again it’s the Brits applying the brakes.  Apparently, they didn’t want to hear it for Deneice.  I’ll still give her a hand for getting so close.

And the one on top 34 years ago was...
1 - “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” Wham!
After five hits rooted in dance and rap, pop princes George and Andrew went retro and scored a transatlantic #1.  But again, Canada denied the Triple Crown, leaving the boys hanging on like some sort of toy attached to a string.  And a note from the future to young Andy: don’t put too much faith in George declaring “I’m not planning on going solo.”

Next time it’s back to the tournament.  See you soon.

An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 June 9,1984 Part One

June 1984.  A record number of Britons are unemployed, over 3.2 million.  And I’m not sure if that number included the thousands of coal miners involved in the ongoing strike.  Yep, these were the Thatcher years.  And this was what played in the background.

40 - “Don’t Tell Me,” Blancmange

Our second visit with this last of three Top Tens for Middlesec duo named after a dessert.  Still not very filling.

39 - “Change of Heart,” Change

The third hit for an Italian-American dance-funk outfit led by the awesomely-named Jacques Fred.  Strutting breakup funk.  Great for its genre.

38 - “Stay With Me Tonight,” Jeffrey Osborne 

The last of just two Brit hits for the ex-LTD frontman was this solid bit of sex-funk.  It’s probably my favourite of his.  He bores me most of the time, but not here.

37 - “Love All Day,” Nick Heyward

The fourth solo hit from the ex-Haircut One Hundred singer was this peppy pop love song.  Doesn’t have the magic that his big band hits do.  This is just a song among thousands.

36 - “When Am I Going to Make a Living,” Sade

The follow up to the band’s Top Ten debut single “Your Love is King” only made it this high.  Maybe because it was a lyrical shift from sex to hustling to make a living.  That’s all I can think of, because this is terrific.  It would fit right in on one of Curtis Mayfield’s 70s albums.  It becomes more clear all the time that Sade is an underrated talent.

35 - “I’ll be Around,” Terri Wells

The only hit for this Philadelphia singer was a cover of the 1972 Spinners classic.  It’s got a more contemporary beat, and it’s a good showcase for Wells’ voice, but otherwise, no need to track it down.

34 - “Dancing in the Dark,” Bruce Springsteen 

The Boss had managed one Top 40 here before this, but he broke out with this classic.  The big beat and synths were a big step out, but lyrically, it’s still one of his perfect little portraits, this one of a man frustrated with life and just looking for a chance to create some excitement.  I might have this in my 80s Top Ten.

33 - “Dazzle,” Siouxsie and the Banshees

Hit number 11 for the Sioux crew was this swirling goth rocker about sacrifice your soul for wealth.  I think that’s it.  It’s epic and evocative and good good good.

32 - “Each and Every One,” Everything but the Girl

Ben Watt and Tracey Thorn met at the University of Hull in 1982, and they began a musical partnership that bore its first success with this single, a bossa nova that Thorn wrote as a response to music critics who wrote patronizing reviews of female artists.  Slick, but sincere, and a good introduction for people who only know the group from that remix of “Missing.”

31 - “Susanna,” Art Company 

This Dutch band was known at home as VOF de Kunst, but they adopted this name for the English release of this track, a pop-reggae number about a tryst that almost happens, but the moment passes.  It’s recorded in front of a live audience that seems strangely invested in the plight of the protagonist.  That gives it a feel reminiscent of Opus’ “Live is Life,” another song that I don’t think would have been as much of a hit in a plain studio version.

30 - “Infatuation,” Rod Stewart 

Roddy had another hit with this very 80s-sounding lust rocker.  It was way bigger in the States than it was here.  I’m on the side of this side of the pond.

29 - “Rough Justice,” Bananarama

The pop girl trio got serious on this song about the inequity of the world.  It’s not bad, but there’s a reason it missed the Top 20.  They bounced back when they returned to lightness and fluff instead of trying to weigh in on starving children and domestic abuse.

28 - “Locomotion,” Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark

Our second visit with this bouncy Top Five.  Still great 80s pop.

27 - “Going Down Town Tonight,” Status Quo

Yet another from the old Quo.  A speedy rock number about the allure and danger of nightlife.  The lyrics don’t quite go with the music, but still, I like this better than I thought I would.

26 - “Farewell My Summer Love,” Michael Jackson

In response to Thriller, MJ’s old label Motown released an album featuring vocals from unreleased 1973 sessions laid over modern backing tracks.  The LP’s title track scraped into the Top 40 at home, but went Top Ten here.  This time, I stand with the Americans.  It’s a song about kiddie romance that was too young for him even then, and the arrangement is bland and cheap-sounding. A textbook case of cynical corporate repackaging.

25 - “So Tired,” Ozzy Osbourne 

The second solo hit for former Black Sabbath singer John Michael Osbourne was this uncharacteristic, string-laden ballad about a dying relationship.  Decent enough.  And apparently, Ozzy was injured by flying glass while making the video.  That’s one of the stories about him I hadn’t heard.

24 - “One Love,” Bob Marley

A posthumous release of a 1977 track issued to promote the Legend compilation.  One of his most familiar recordings, but the message of faith, hope and redemption still rings loudly.

23 - “Love Wars,” Womack and Womack

The first hit for American marrieds Linda and Cecil was this funk-pop declaration of romantic ceasefire.  Passionately sung dance floor fodder.

22 - “Against All Odds,” Phil Collins 

The movie ballad denied a Triple Crown by Phil’s countrymen.  There’s just an empty space where it would have been, and him ever getting one for it is...highly unlikely.

21 - “Footloose,” Kenny Loggins 
Another movie smash denied the Crown by Britain.  But Kenny had never charted here before, so in that context, going from zero to a #6 is pretty good.

In Part Two: a woman with a very deep voice, a man with a very high voice, plus sadness, misery, and tears.

GATW: UKT40 May 26, 1990 Part Two

Another ending.

20 - “Roam,” The B-52’s
The third U.K. hit for the Athens, Georgia space-rockers (fourth if you count the two Top 40 issues of “Rock Lobster”) was this jangly ode to wanderlust.  It lost some of its appeal due to being overplayed  in my neck of the woods, but time and absence have restored its charm.

19 - “Ghetto Heaven,” The Family Stand
The biggest hit for this New York soul trio was this funk-hop about the different ways people in poor black communities find pleasure and peace.  Sex, drugs and religion are the ones touched on here.  Cool and different.  At the time, a major career seemed likely to follow, but it just didn’t.  The biz isn’t always a meritocracy.

18 - “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You,” Heart
And here we go, the squicky shitbomb that almost cancelled out all the greatness Heart had achieved in their first five years of stardom.  Yes, they had already sunk to being a corporate machine, but that was bearable compared to this thing, on which Ann Wilson plays a woman who seeks out a handsome drifter for a one-night stand for the express purpose of impregnation, because the man she actually loves is sterile.  First of all, there are other ways of conception that don’t involve intercourse and betrayal.  But okay, you want it the old-fashioned way, I can mayyyybe understand that.  But if it’s supposed to be an act of necessity, first of all don’t describe it as “making love.”  And secondly, don’t go on about how fantastic and unforgettable the sex was.  It kind of undermines your claims of it being something done solely out of desperation.  And for all that is holy, don’t leave the one-night guy a note with a horrible poem like “I am the flower, you are the seed/ We walked in the garden, we planted a tree.”  I don’t know if I’m coming off as judgmental or puritanical here, but it is what it is.  This is just awful.  I’ll forgive Heart, because they gave us “Magic Man,” “Barracuda,” and the mighty fucking “Crazy On You.”  But songwriter “Mutt” Lange?  Nope, you don’t have enough in the bank to make up for this.  Oh, and mine was the one of our Triple Crown countries that made this a #1.  I hang my head.  And yes, this is one of the uneasiest of Uneasy Riders.

17 - “The Power,” Snap!
The first of two #1s for the German dance outfit.  A wonderfully timeless party starter.  Quality, it possesses.

16 - “Policy of Truth,” Depeche Mode
As I’ve said before, this is the goth “I Heard it Through the Grapevine.”  I don’t think it can be lower than third-best among their singles.

15 - “Kingston Town,” UB40
Their first Top Ten of the 90s was this version of a 1970 song by Trinidadian Lord Creator taken from Labour of Love II, their second covers album.  Light and breezy, but not heavy-handed lay commercial.

14 - “A Dream’s a Dream,” Soul II Soul
The fourth Top Ten for Jazzie B.’s crew was this groover about wistful wishing, with vocals from American Victoria Wilson-James.  Good, but a step down from the twin towers of “Keep On Movin’” and “Back to Life.”

13 - “Black Velvet,” Alannah Myles
Toronto-born Alannah Byles slightly adjusted her name for her singing career, and found one huge moment of international success with this country-blues tribute to the appeal of the young Elvis Presley.  I’m not sure it would have worked for any other singer, but Myles wraps her voice around the evocative lyrics like...some sort of dark fabric. #2 here, #1 in the States, but only #10 in her homeland.  I’m not sure what it was about this that we missed.  It’s all right there.

12 - “Venus,” Don Pablo’s Animals
An Italian production team remixes the instrumental hook of the 1970 Shocking Blue smash, adding some beats and James Brown grunts.  Wildly dated and inessential.

11 - “How Can We Be Lovers,” Michael Bolton
The second Top Ten for the Connecticut schlocksoulster was this blah power ballad co-written with fellow creators of soulless product Diane Warren and Desmond Child.  Perfect for people who don’t want to actually be moved by music.

10 - “Take Your Time,” Mantronix
The fourth of five hits for this New York hip-hop crew was this bit of lovey-dovey funk-pop featuring  lead vocals from the fantastically-named Wondress Hutchinson.  Definitely worth spending g a few moments with.

9 - “Won’t Talk About It,” Beats International 
The second hit for the first dance project from ex-Housemartin Norman Cook was this funky number about complication-free relationships.  Surprisingly, it was co-written by political folkie Billy Bragg. The gift for making samples sound fresh that Fatboy Slim world display is well on evidence here.

8 - “Vogue,” Madonna
The Triple Crown winner inspired by glamorous pose-dancing in gay clubs.  The dance floor is still a place that you can get away, and songs like this are what it’s for.

7 - “Opposites Attract,” Paula Abdul
The closest the future reality competition judge would come to a Triple Crown was when this hit #2 to go with its topping the North American charts.  She goes back and forth with a male voice (expressed in the video as the animated MC Skat Kat) with how different the two are and yet they work as a couple.  Maybe the weakest of her big hits.

6 - “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For,” Chimes
This Scottish group had their biggest hit with a midtempo dance groove version of U2’s 1987 hit.  It works very well in this setting, and Pauline Henry makes it almost into a gospel hymn.

5 - “Hold On,” En Vogue
The Oakland vocal quartet displayed their pipes on their debut, this funky bit of relationship advice.  Silky smooth and unassailable.

4 - “Cover Girl,” New Kids on the Block
The Boston boys kept the hits coming with this typical fawning boy band ode.  It opens with uncharacteristic hard rock guitar, but it’s pretty formulaic from then on.

3 - “Dirty Cash,” The Adventures of Stevie V.
The first and biggest hit for this group formed by Bedfordshire producer Steven Vincent was this this gritty house/hip-hop hybrid about the ways people will debase themselves for money.  It grooves, it has a message, it’s a great pop single.

2 - “Better the Devil You Know,” Kylie Minogue
Her first hit of the 90s saw Kylie sticking with Stock/Aitken/Waterman, but sounding more mature in voice and lyrical content.  Her transition from girl singer of a moment to career artist didn’t always go smoothly, but here’s where it began.

And the latest old charttopper I get to comment on is...
1 - “Killer,” Adamski 
From Lymington in Hampshire, Adam Tinley established himself on the rave scene, amd started performing with a young singer named Henry “Seal” Samuel.  The two then collaborated on this single, a techno-soul-house number about overcoming adverisity that made them both stars.  The singer got just a bit more famous than the DJ, but from what I can find, Adamski isn’t hurting.

More fun in the old world next time.  See you soon.

An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 May 26,1990

May 1990.  Manchester United won their second FA Cup after following a draw in the first match with a 1-0 victory over Crystal Palace in the replay.  They only did the charts once this week, and these were the results.

40 - “It’s Happenin’,” Plus One

I couldn’t find anything about this group.  It’s house music with a rap about dancing.  Generic genre product.

39 - “Give a Little Love Back to the World,” Emma

We’re still in Eurovision season, and Britain’s entry was this overblown inspirational ballad sung by Welsh teen Emma Booth.  I think a sixth-place finish flattered it.

38 - “Don’t Miss the Party Line,” Bizz Nizz

Belgians Jean-Paul de Coster and Phil Wilde would go on to form the ubiquitous dance act 2 Unlimited, but they scored a Top Ten before that with this techno-lite jam.  It’s more subtle than their later work, which may be why I like it better.

37 - “Still Got The Blues (For You),” Gary Moore

This Belfast guitarist was an on-and-off member of Thin Lizzy, and he had quite a few hits on his own, including this slick-but-effective blues ballad.  The guitar soloing is the highlight.  If you like that sort of thing, you’ll enjoy this.

36 - “Don’t Wanna Fall in Love,” Jane Child

Torontonian Child’s only major hit was this dance-rocker about a love you can’t deny even though it’s no good for you.  It was a Top Five in North America and a #22 here, and to me, it’s way better than anything Taylor Duane ever did.  But sadly, if Child is remembered at all, it’s for her spiky hair and the chain that connected her lef earring and her nose ring.

35 - “It’s My Life,” Talk Talk

The third release of this New Wave staple finally got it into the Top 40 here.  Justice at last.

34 - “Radical Your Lover,” Little Angels

The first hit for these Scarborough (UK) hard rockers was this strutter about...something sexual, I think.  The title reminds me of Lisa Simpson seeing the theatre marquee reading “Yahoo Serious Festival.”  I know what those words mean, but it doesn’t make any sense.

33 - “Doin’ the Do,” Betty Boo

Born in London and of both Scottish and Malaysian extraction, Alison Clarkson picked up her first solo Top Ten with this capable boast rap.  Fun dance fluff.

32 - “Joy and Heartbreak,” Movement 98
Rising star DJ Paul Oakenfold teamed up with singer Carroll Thompson on some decent midtempo soul.  We’ll hear more from Oakenfold in a bit,

31 - “Wild Women Do,” Natalie Cole
Nat’s daughter picked up her first hit of the decade with this pop-rocker about losing inhibitions that came from the huge Pretty Woman soundtrack.  This must have made her quite a bit of money, but it probably wasn’t fulfilling, which may explain her switch to old pop standards the following year.

30 - “Give it Up,” Hothouse Flowers
The second Top 40 for this Dublin band was this gospel tinged rocker about being open with your demonstrations of love to others.  Not an all-time great band, but one that usually delivers something I like.

29 - “Step On,” Happy Mondays 
The track that launched Madchester to national prominence was this Oakenfold-produced cover of John Kongos’ 1971 hit about a smooth-talking con man.  It is the perfect melding of indie rock and house.  Nothing that followed really touched it.

28 - “Circle Square,” The Wonder Stuff
The fifth hit for the Sturbridge rock eccentrics was this cool ditty about not fitting in.  The recurring violin motif is pretty memorable and fantastic.

27 - “What Did I Do to You,” Lisa Stansfield
The fourth hit for the Rochdale singer isn’t quite the perfect marriage of house beats and soul crooning that, say, “All Around the World” was, but it’s still lush and vibrant enough to charm.

26 - “Something Happened on the Way to Heaven,” Phil Collins
This is perhaps Phil’s most effective pop/rock/soul hybrid.  The man can write a hook.  This was one of four Canadian #1s from the ...But Seriously album, and I must say this is the most deserving.

25 - “Papa Was a Rolling Stone,” Was (Not Was)
The eccentric Detroit funk ensemble had their third British hit with this breakbeat cover of the Temptations classic.  The rap by G Love E works thematically, but the song still stands best on its own.

24 - “Kissing Gate,” Sam Brown
The third and final Top 40for the London chanteuse was this bit of pop-soul about hoping for a rendezvous with an old flame. Fine, but nowhere near the showstopper that is her biggest hit. “Stop.”

23 - “Angel,” Eurythmics
The final hit of the grouo’s original run was this affecting ballad apparently inspired by the suicide of  an aunt of Annie Lennox’s.  The use of Elvis as a motif, with him singing religious music in the first verse and performing in Las Vegas in the second, was inspired.  A fitting capper to the main chapter of one of pop’s great catalogues.

22 - “Love Thing,” Pasadenas
The fourth hit for this Brit soul group was this uptempo track about how much they enjoy playing music.  A bit tepid, although the vocal performances are passionate.

21 - “Softly Whispering I Love You,” Paul Young
His first hit of the 90s was this cover of the 1971 Congregation hit.  Very boring.

In Part Two: more covers, another Elvis reference, and I finally get to cover a creepy-bad song I’ve referred to here once or twice.

...And As Years Go By: CT50 May 29, 1971

May 1971 in Canada.  In Toronto, Ontario Place opens.  It is intended to be a tourist attraction along the lines of Montreal’s Expo 67 site, complete with man-made islands and a geodesic dome.  It even had a theme song that was released on 45.  Sadly, that wasn’t on the charts this week, but here’s some of the songs that were.

Bonus Track #1: 55 - “You’re Gonna Miss Me,” Wishbone (CanCon!)

The biggest hit for this Toronto band sounds quite a bit like the Grass Roots’ “Midnight Confessions”. Apparently, that wasn’t quite an accident, as the similarity to that band actually got them some airplay in the U.S...until the Roots put out “Sooner or Later,” at which point American programmers decided to switch to the genuine article, and the Wishbone got pulled.

Bonus Track #2: 52 - “A Country Boy Named Willie,” Spring (CanCon!)

The only hit for this Vancouver band was this folk-rocker about a happy-go-lucky rural native who goes to the city to find education and enlightenment, only to find disillusionment.  A cool little gem.  The band didn’t last, but guitarist Terry Frewer has made a very good living writing music for Canadian films and TV shows.

48 - “Light Sings,” The 5th Dimension

This track by the purveyors of “champagne soul” missed the top 40 in the States, but got to #22 here. It’s somewhat reminiscent of “Aquarius/Let the Sun Shine In,” and like it, it was taken from a stage musical; in this case, The Me Nobody Knows, a look at the lives of inner city children in New York.  I’ve never seen it, but I’d be more interested in it than Hair.

46 - “Carry Me,” The Stampeders (CanCon!)

The Calgarians’ first Top Ten was this country-rock tune about a guy wishing a war would end so he can get back to his lover in Alabama.  For some reason, between this and The Band’s “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down,” there was a fascination among our popular musicians for the U.S. Civil War.  Couldn’t they have looked to the War of 1812 for inspiration?  We were in that one.

45 - “Lucky Man,” Emerson, Lake and Palmer

The debut single but the prog trio was pretty standard British rock of the time, telling the tale of a man who lived a life of privilege and pleasure until he went off to war and died.  Quite good, but not very indicative of the excesses and pretentions to come.

44 - “House at Pooh Corner,” The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

The California coruntryusing the country-rockers followed up “Mr. Bojangles” with a cover  of a song Kenny Loggins wrote using A.A.Milne’s iconic characters Winnie-the-Pooh and Christopher Robin in an allegory for a longing for childhood innocence.  It’s probably the best thing Loggins ever wrote, and this is the best version I’ve heard.

43 - “Hello Mom,” The Mercey Brothers (CanCon!)

Brothers Larry, Ray and Lloyd Mercey came from the small town of Hanover, Ontario, and were a consistent presence on Canada’s country charts from the mid-60s to the late 80s.  Their biggest pop hit was this acoustic ballad written in the form of a letter home from a son worn down by the injustice he sees in the world.  A song with a message, but one that conveys that message in a relatable way.

40 - “We Were Always Sweethearts,” Boz Scaggs

The Bay Area soul-rocker didn’t crack his home Top 40 until 1976, but he did so up here five years earlier with this bit of all-out, horn-filled R&B.  A cool little glimpse of the greatness ahead.

39 - “Tillicum,” Syrinx (CanCon!)

This Toronto progressive-jazz trio had their only hit with this instrumental that is mainly performed on saxophone and Moog Synthesizer.  It was written as the theme for Here Come the Seventies, a CTV series about the issues and advances that could be encountered in the upcoming decade.  I haven’t been able to locate footage from the body of the show, but YouTube has its opening sequence, which consists of a nude woman walking into the ocean while newsworthy images are superimposed over her.  Of course, I’m even more curious now.

38 - “Jodie,” Joey Gregorash (CanCon!)

Winnipegger Gregorash got a major label deal in 1970, after which he was sent to Stax Studios in Memphis to record an album called North Country Funk.  That LP spawned this song, which, while more folky than funky, became his first and biggest hit.  It’s your basic song about freedom and racial harmony.  Kind of like the then-hugely popular movie Billy Jack, but with less karate.

37 - “Going to the Country,” Young (CanCon!)

The second song in OMYAM history that I was unable to track down.  All I could find is that this was  written by someone named Bruce Gordon, released on Ampex Records (with “Grape Farm”on the B side), and that it peaked at this position.  Wish I could tell you more.

36 - “The Garden of Ursh,” Karen Young (CanCon!)

The biggest English hit for this Montreal singer was this folk song that seems to be about a bunch of hippies sitting around a campfire eating “a supper of onions and hamburger and butter,” and singing until the land owner kicks them out and they repeat the process somewhere else.  More Phoebe Buffay than Joni Mitchell to these ears.

32 - “Where Evil Grows,” The Poppy Family (CanCon!)

The third Top Ten for the group led by Terry and Susan Jacks was this uncharacteristically dark number about falling for a bad influence.  Probably the only song in the Jacks family catalogue that I can actually say I like.

29 - “13 Questions,” Seatrain

This Massachusetts band seemed to be in the Blood Sweat and Tears jazz-rock vein, and their biggest hit was this strange little song about being confronted by “three Earthmen” who show the singer nineteen terrors and ask a number of enigmatic questions.  Why?  What did it all mean?  What happened afterward?  No answers are given.  But this is a very good song I’ve never heard before, so that’s enough for now.

26 - “It Takes Time,” Anne Murray (CanCon!)

Annie M.’s fourth domestic hit was this ballad about being patient in life and love.  A simple showcase for a great voice, although the harmonica seems out of place.

24 - “Cry Baby,” Janis Joplin
The follow-up to her posthumous smash “Me and Bobby McGee” was this cover of a 1963 soul smash by Garnet Mimms and the Enchanters.  This plea for a former lover’s return fits her perfectly, and you can almost see her heart breaking.  The single is also notable for its flip side, the a capella “Mercedes Benz,” which I hoped would never be used in a commercial but inevitably was.

19 - “Oh What a Feeling,” Crowbar (CanCon!)

The Hamilton band’s biggest hit is this record that sounds like a jam in the middle of a house party you wish you’d been invited to. Nothing profound, just a great time.  And a definite Certified CanCon Classic.

17 - “Broken,” The Guess Who (CanCon!)

Though a B-side (to “Albert Flasher”), this midtempo rocker about owning your flaws and moving on  became a hit on its own.  And I have to say, it’s better than the catchy-yet-flimsy A.

Ten times the mapley goodness.

10 - “Sweet and Innocent,” Donny Osmond 

Young Donald’s solo debut was this Roy Orbison cover that was more upbeat than most of his future efforts. And I am sure he was right, the girl he was singing to couldn’t have handled the wild experience of a 14-year-old Mormon boy.

9 - “Hats Off (To the Stranger),” Lighthouse (CanCon!)

The first of four Top Tens for the Toronto 13-piece was this hippy-dippy tale of meeting someone on the street and learning from him to be mellow and grateful.  Not profound, but fun to sing along with.

8 - “Me and You and a Dog Named Boo,” Lobo

Roland LaVoie’s first major hit was a Triple Top Ten.  What can we give it instead of a crown?  Well, given the canine involvement in this track, I’m choosing a dog tag.

7 - “The Drum,” Bobby Sherman

This tune about romance and percussion, the last hit for teen heartthrob Sherman (who was by barely made the Top 30 at home, but here, it made the Top Ten.  Hey, we all have our bad decisions.

6 - “Chick-a-Boom (Don’t Ya Jes’ Love It),” Daddy Dewdrop 

The Daddy was most successful here with his tale of bikini weirdness, going to #2.  We ‘jes loved it.

5 - “Woodstock,” Matthews’ Southern Comfort

I aim and his band were English, but their take on this depiction of the 1969 music festival got the CanCon label because it was written by Joni Mitchell.  Too bad its the limpets and saddest.

4 - “It Don’t Come Easy,” Ringo Starr

We gave this the #1 the other two Triple Crown nations denied it.  Yay us.  Though that is appropriate for a song with this title.

3 - “Love Her Madly,” The Doors

We pushed the band’s final single during Jim Morrison’s lifetime this high, whereas at home it missed the Top Ten.  We seem to be more on the mark, in my opinion.

2 - “Brown Sugar,” The Rolling Stones

The politically incorrect lust story was a cross border #1, falling short of the Crown by one position over ‘ome.  Very surprising.

1 - “Joy to the World,” Three Dog Night
3DN’s immortal introduction of an alcoholic amphibian was another Can-Am charttopper, but only got to #24 in Britain.  I just don’t think it was weird enough.

Next time: back to the U.K.  See you there then.

The Old Man’s Ultimate Uneasy Rider Tournament: Round 1, Part Four

You can call this the sex and drugs and rock and roll bracket.  Or anything else, for that matter.  You have free will.

THE BERTHA BUTT BOWL

“Troglodyte (Cave Man),” The Jimmy Castor Bunch, 1972

vs. “The Bertha Butt Boogie,” The Jimmy Castor Bunch, 1975

A pair of hit singles by New Yorker Castor featuring a certain female character.  First, he went to #6 with his tale of an early man’s quest for female companionship which ended with him finding a willing partner in “one of the Butt sisters.”  Three years later, he went to #16 describing how Bertha, with the help of siblings Betty, Bella and Bathsheba, introduced the world to a new dance.

Final Score: Boogie 38, Troglodyte 34.  A close contest, full of fancy footwork and heavy hitting.  In the end, the three additional Butt sisters made the difference, and up jumped the Boogie.

THE TRANS-POSITIVITY (AT LEAST FOR THE 70S) BOWL

“Lola,” The Kinks, 1970

vs, “Earache My Eye Featuring Alice Bowie,” Cheech and Chong, 1974

Two hits about men in traditionally female garb.  First, the Davies brothers’ band went to #9 with a tale of meeting a lady in a bar who isn’t quite who she seems, but instead of being repelled, he’s very much okay with it.  Then, the legendary stoner comedy duo got to #9 themselves with a parody of glam rock featuring the title character boasting about how dressing and acting effeminately has made him rich and famous.

Final Score: Earache 27, Lola 17.  The Lola team dominated the first half, but at the break, one of the Earachers’ fathers came in to the locker room to threaten the whole team with painful posterior punishment, which inspired them to take advantage of the fact that their opponents weren’t the world’s most physical guys.  In spite of their defeat, the Lolas treated themselves to postgame champagne, which apparently tasted just like a popular soft drink.

THE BOOTY BOWL

“Ain’t Gonna Bump No More (With No Big Fat Woman),” Joe Tex, 1976

vs. “Fat Bottomed Girls,” Queen, 1978
A big-ass matchup in more ways then one.  First, soul veteran Tex made it to #12 by telling of his experience doing a disco step involving colliding buttocks with a large lady.  Two years later, Freddie Mercury led his loyal subjects to #24 by celebrating the ample female form.

Final Score: Queen 17, Tex 16.  A surprise to see Britons get the best of Texans on a gridiron, but the Queen team overcame their lack of experience with superior physical shape and stamina, possibly due to a training regimen featuring a lot of bicycling. 

THE SEX IN DIFFERENT KINDS OF CARS BOWL

“Heaven on the 7th Floor,” Paul Nicholas, 1977

vs. “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” Meat Loaf, 1978
Two tunes about hookups in non-bedroom settings.  First, British actor/singer Nicholas reached #6 with a tale of spontaneous carnal combustion in what is known in his country as a “lift.”  Then, the man born Marvin Aday got to #39 with a tale of lustful teenage desperation in an automobile.



Final Score: Paradise 56, Heaven 0.  This time, Texas trounced Britain as badly as expected.  Most of the scoring took place in the first half, then Meat and his team spent the third quarter playing baseball instead of football until their star receiver yelled “Stop right there!”  Then, after much debate about how it might affect the rest of their lives in the tournament, they decided to go for it and ended the game with a bang.

THE HEAVY BREATHING BOWL

“Pillow Talk,” Sylvia, 1973

vs. “Love to Love You Baby,” Donna Summer, 1976

Two hits featuring women simulating...um...feeling good.  First, New Yorker Sylvia Robinson went to number 3 with an invitation to bed that someone apparently takes her up on, from the sound of the last minute or so of the song.  Three years later, Summer, a Boston native who had spent the first several years of her career in Europe, made her home country breakthrough by going to #2 with a song whose vocals consist entirely of come-ons, coos, and moans of a somewhat suggestive nature.

Final Score: Baby 56, Pillow 14.  Both teams came out strong on offense, seducing their opponents into willing surrender.  But after the first quarter, Sylvia’s squad was spent, while the Summer team kept going, and going, and going, to the point where they had to be physically removed from the field.  Will they have anything left for another round?  I wouldn’t bet against it.

THE BOOZE BOWL

“Spill the Wine,” Eric Burdon and War, 1970

vs.  “Margaritaville,” Jimmy Buffet , 1977

A couple of songs with alcoholic titles.  First, former Animal Eric Burdon hooked up with a California band and went to #3 with a song about having a hallucination involving women, wine, and pearls.  Seven years later, Florida troubadour Buffet went to #8 with his frothy concoction about being lazy and drunk in an island paradise while getting over a breakup.

Final Score: Burdon 10, Buffett 6.  A laid-back, low-scoring affair finally decided when Wine QB Burdon called a play called “Take That Pearl,” which confused everyone on the field but somehow led to the game’s only touchdown.  In the postgame press conference, someone asked losing coach Buffett if an unnamed woman might have been to blame for the defeat.  Buffett seemed to consider this for a few moments before finally conceding, “It’s my own damn fault.”

THE LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX, VAGUELY BOWL

“Squeeze Box,” The Who, 1976

vs. “Telephone Man,” Meri Wilson, 1977

A matchup of mating metaphors.  First, The Who took a song about a married woman who keeps her husband awake every night with something that may be an accordion or might instead be her vagina to #16. The next year. Georgian Wilson girlishly cooed a jazzy story about having a man put a phone, and perhaps his penis, in for her all the way up to #18.

Final Score: Telephone 24, Box 13.  The Who were expected to win on experience, having sung about the ins and outs of the game for years going back to “Pictures of Lily” and “A Quick One, While He’s Away.”  But Wilson shocked them by being so winkingly knowledgeable and imaginative about the subject, and the plays she and her unnamed assistant installed allowed them to get a leg over and take the win.

THE JIMMY LOVES MARY JANE BOWL

“Wildwood Weed,” Jim Stafford, 1974

vs.  “I Got Stoned and I Missed It,” Jim Stafford, 1975

A pair of pot anthems from Florida novelty singer Stafford. First, he got to #7 with a couple county bumpkins who accidentally discover cannabis plants and their intoxicating properties.  A year later, he got to #37 with a Shel Silverstein composition about excessive use of the sweet leaf can cause one to miss important moments in life.

Final Score: Wildwood 3, Stoned 0 (forfeit).  The former didn’t know where they were or what they were doing there, but they at least showed up, which is more than can be said for their opponents.  And for some reason, the fans in attendance did not seem angry about there not being a game to watch.

THE WORDPLAY BOWL

“My Girl Bill,” Jim Stafford, 1974

vs. “If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me,” The Bellamy Brothers, 1979

Two songs whose titles could be misinterpreted.  First, Stafford returns with a #12 that is not about a woman named William, but a male friend and romantic rival.  Then, Floridians David and Homer Bellamywith a song wondering if a compliment about a woman’s physical appearance would provoke  resentment.  Or perhaps close bodily contact.

Final Score: Body 27, Bill 17.  Both sides ran a lot of trick plays, but Stafford’s became more obvious as the game went on, while the Bellamys maintained inscrutability throughout.  When asked if they felt nervous about their next game, they replied.  “We’re not.  Gonna win.”

THE LATE NIGHT LOVIN’ BOWL

“Midnight at the Oasis,” Maria Muldaur, 1974

vs. “Ariel,” Dean Friedman, 1977

A pair of songs about wee-hours lovemaking.  New York’s Muldaur went to #6 with a tune about one way to keep warm on cold desert nights.  Meanwhile, Jersey boy Friedman made it to #26 with a song about meeting a quirky hippie vegetarian girl and eventually taking her home and having a tryst by the light of a television channel signing off.

Final Score: Ariel 38, Oasis 14.  Friedman’s team just had a lot more depth and got a lot more yardage,  Muldaur and company were playing hurt due to injuries suffered by dyeing too friendly with cacti, and they also hadn’t cleaned all the sand out of their uniforms after their practices.

THE RASPY ROCKIN’ RAUNCH BOWL 

“Cat Scratch Fever,” Ted Nugent, 1977

vs. “Black Betty,” Ram Jam, 1977

A pair of songs that just exude sleazy sexuality.  First, rock’s Motor City Madman went to #30 with his tale that evokes a certain feline euphemism for female genitalia.  Then, New Yorkers Ram Jam got to #18 Tirana Southern rock style cover of a song popularized by blues man Leadbelly that could be about a sexually willing lady, or could also be about a gun, or a whip, or alcohol, or a police vehicle.

Final Score: Cat 10, Betty 9.  It was close, but Ted beat his opponents versatility with firepower.  Literally.    He may not go much farther in this tournament, but he’ll make a lot of crazy noise while doing so.

THE WHEELS ON SKATES AND DEALS ON DATES BOWL

“Brand New Key,” Melanie, 1971

vs. “Lady Marmalade,” Labelle, 1975

Two songs that take different approaches to describing sexual requests.  Melanie Safka went to #1by telling a friend that he should try his key in her lock.   On the other hand, a trio led by Patti Labelle had their own charttopper by voicing a New Orleans prostitute saying “Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?” Go ahead and Google translate that if you don’t know.

Final Score: Marmalade 55, Key 21.  The Labelle team won with much greater aggression, as well as confusing signals like “Gitchie Gitchie ya ya da da.”  Melanie immediately decides to return to the sports she knows best, cycling and roller skating.

THE SMACK IS WACK BOWL

“Once You Understand,” Think, 1971

vs. “King Heroin,” James Brown, 1972

Two songs that are explicitly against the use of heroin an Southern hard street drugs.  Studio group Think went to #23 with a white bread pop song overlaid with arguing parents and teenagers that ends suddenly with a police officer telling a man that his son has died of an overdose.  Then the Godfather of soul got to #40 with a song on which he portrays the personification of heroin, boasting about the destruction he causes.

Final Score: King 35, Understand 34.  This was a very close contest, with both sides effectively employing a strategy of trying to scare the shit out of each other.  But Brother James tactic of constant threat and menace prevailed over the Think approach of slow burning shock.  But this was always a game where the winner was going to be seen as a threat to do a lot of damage later.

THE SUBCULTURAL REVOLUTION BOWL

“Walk on the Wild Side,” Lou Reed, 1973

vs. “Macho Man,” The Village People, 1978

Two songs about lifestyles that most people listening to pop radio would not have been familiar with. First, Reed, formerly of the band The Velvet Underground, hit #16 with a song about the hustlers, dreamers, drag queens, addicts and dealers that he knew when he was in Andy Warhol’s inner circle.  Then, a flamboyantly costumed New York disco outfit reached #25 with a tune about men who are very dedicated to developing their fitness and musculature.  Some people have interpreted it as more than that, that it’s about an even deeper appreciation of men’s bodies by other men, but that wasn’t emphasized at the time.

Final Score: Wild 28, Macho 24.  The Village People’s team seemed much more physically imposing than their opponents, but Lou’s plucky band of outsiders were more unorthodox and adventurous, and they used that for a surprising victory that made their cheerleaders go “Doot, de doot, de doot, doo dee doo doot...”

THE SEARCH FOR SOMETHING NEW BOWL

“Say, Has Anybody Seen My Sweet Gypsy Rose,” Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973

vs. “Escape (The Pina Colada Song),” Rupert Holmes, 1979

Two songs about couples who have grown apart in different ways.  First, Mr. Orlando and his backing singers got to #3 about finding that his wife has left to dance naked in a burlesque show.  Then, Holmes had a #1 with a song about a bored husband responds to a personal ad in the hope of meeting a more adventurous and exciting woman, only to find when he meets her that this thrilling new lady is none other than his wife.

Final Score: Gypsy 24, Escape 14.  Orlando and crew employed strategies and formations not seem since the days of ragtime, which confused their thoroughly modern opponents, who were already disadvantaged due to hangovers from overconsumption of rum-based beverages the night before.

THE DON’T LET HER GO BOWL

“Cheaper to Keep Her,” Johnnie Taylor, 1973

vs. “Lucille,” Kenny Rogers, 1977 
Two songs about different aspects of relationships that aren’t working out.  First, Johnnie T.  made it to #15 with some jazzy advice about staying with your wife to avoid having to pay her alimony.  Then, country star Rogers reached #5 about being picked up by a married woman in a bar but deciding not to follow through on the tryst after she is approached by her heartbroken farmer husband.

Final Score: Lucille 10, Cheaper 7.  Both teams were averse to risk, but in the end, Lucille brought her husband onto the field, who just happened to be “built like a mountain.”  Johnnie could not afford  the kind of players who could stop a man of that size, and thus they lost.  Then, his own wife decided to divorce him.

We’ll be back to the tournament action soon, but our next excursion will be to Canada.  Join me again then.