End of September 1982. Around this time, Lord Alfred Thompson Denning finished his term as Master of the Rolls. I guessed that was what they called the Queen's bread baker, but apparently, it's the second-highest judgeship in Britain. The more you know. Anyway, the magistrates known as the U.K.'s record buyers found the following songs guilty of hitdom in the twenty-
40 - "House of the Rising Sun," The Animals
Eric Burdon's first hit band were one of the top second-tier stars of the British Invasion, and this 1964 take on a folk song about being seduced into ruin at a Louisiana establishment of ill fame earned them a Triple Crown of #1s in 1964. It's third U.K. charttopper run saw it reached #1. It may be the best non-Beatles or -Stones British hit of its originating decade.
39 - "Windpower," Thomas Dolby
The London synth innovators had five Top 40s at home; surprisingly, his North American smash "She Blinded Me with Science" wasn't one of them. However, that song's parent album, The Golden Age of Wireless, also produced his first British hit, a jagged little number about looking at the world differently. I think that's it. It's more of a technological showcase than a pop song, but still worth a listen.
38 - " Do You Really Want to Hurt Me," Culture Club
Boy George and associates' first hit was almost a Triple Crown winner, but America held it to #2. No matter, it's still his finest soul moment.
37 - "Fame," Irene Cara
The theme to the 1980 film went to #1 here when it was used as the theme to the spinoff TV series. Apparently the Brits were big fans of it, because we'll hear more related content later.
36 - "Give Me Some Kinda Magic," Dollar
The penultimate hit for the Anglo-Canadian duo was this peppy love song. It sounds like people trying really hard to pretend to be happy. The genuine article is always preferable.
35 - "Do Ya Wanna Funk," Sylvester with Patrick Cowley
Mr. James the disco legend had his third and final U.K. hit teaming up with producer Cowley on this dance floor burner. I would definitely say yes to this.
34 - "Take a Chance With Me," Roxy Music
Roxy's sixteenth and final first-run hit was this hauntingly poppy number on which Bryan Ferry tells us he can be trusted with someone's heart. Don't know how convincing he is, but I certainly enjoyed hearing him out.
33 - "Ruff Mix," Wonder Dog
A dance track featuring artificial dog barks created by German electronic musician Harry Thumann. This is somehow worse than those barking dog Christmas carols. Playing this for spies and prisonerst of war needs to be specifically outlawed by the Geneva Convention, if it somehow isn't already.
32 - "And I am Telling You I'm Not Going," Jennifer Holliday
The showpiece ballad from Dreamgirls, delivered mightily by the woman who first performed it on Broadway. Defiance defined.
31 - "So Here I Am," UB40
These guys again, this time with a song about about the futility of go-nowhere jobs. Not super-impactful, but all right.
30 - "Invitations," Shakatak
The jazz-funkers had their fourth hit with a discoey track that seems to be about being seduced and betrayed by a woman. The music doesn't reflect the intrigue of the lyrics, so it turns out a mess.
29 - "Spread a Little Happiness," Sting
Gordon Sumner's first solo hit came even before the breakup of The Police, in the form of this old-fashioned version of a song from a 1929 musical. It's from the soundtrack of Brimstone and Treacle, a film in which he plays a mysterious stranger who forever alters the lives of a middle-aged couple and their disabled daughter. He sounds unrecognizable crooning this kind of material. An interesting curio.
28 - "Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White," Modern Romance
The group's fourth hit was this cover of a 1950 French song that was a huge hit in 1955 for Cuban bandleader Perez Prado. The English lyrics are about love and fruit trees. Music for suburban grandmothers' salsa dancing lessons.
27 - "Under the Boardwalk," Tom Tom Club
The second and last U.K. Top 40 for the group formed by Talking Heads' rhythm section was this fun funk cover of the 1964 Drifters classic. It is kind of disappointing to learn that "Genius of Love" only made it to #65 here. Big miss.
26 - "Pass the Dutchie," Musical Youth
The teen reggae band's biggest hit topped the charts here and in Canada, but was only a #10 in the States. I guess the drug references weren't covered up sufficiently for Nancy Reagan's "Just Say No" America,
25 - "Glittering Prize," Simple Minds
The Scots' second hit was this dreamy new waver about the enchanting qualities of love. It sounds like them, for better or worse. That's all the analysis I can provide.
24 - "Nobody’s Fool," Haircut One Hundred
The fourth and last hit for the Beckenham boys was this springy pop song about wanting to emerge unscathed from the game of love. Good luck with that, boys. It was a pleasure hearing about it, though.
23 - "What," Soft Cell
The Leeds duo's fifth and last first-release Top Five was this cover of a Northern Soul hit by Judy Street. Just like on "Tainted Love," they make it sound modern while maintaining the pleading urgency of the original. These guys should have been more than one hit wonders in my neck of the woods.
22 - "Hard to Say I'm Sorry," Chicago
Blecccchhh! Yep, I'm down to using Mad magazine expressions of disgust to talk about Chicago power ballads. They've broken me.
21 - "I Eat Cannibals," Toto Coelo
70s hit maker Barry Blue assembled five women, formed them into a group he named after a Latin phrase meaning "as wide as heaven," and wrote and produced this Top Ten dance-rocker that seemingly equates sexual desire with the hunger to consume human flesh. It's disturbing, yet at the same time undeniably catchy. I don't know if I love or hate this song, it's that odd. Which is why it beat out a synthetic canine cacophony and Sting's anachronism to take this chart's Uneasy Rider.
In Part Two: some are quiet, some can't shut up, and some select their words carefully to convey something very important.
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