This week, we visit the year that George Orwell pedicted would be a dystopian nightmare. That didn't quite happen, but maybe someday, George. The U.S. was in between their world-stomping display at the Los Angeles Olympics and Ronald Reagan's beatdown of Walter Mondale. Here in Canada, years of Liberal rule had just been ended by Reagan's future duet partner Brian Mulroney. Meanwhile, this is what was on the radio:
40 - "The Last Time I Made Love," Joyce Kennedy and Jeffrey Osborne
39 - "(What) In The Name of Love," Naked Eyes
38 - "Out of Touch," Daryl Hall and John Oates
37 - "Shine Shine," Barry Gibb
36 - "Stuck on You," Lionel Richie
35 - "Strut," Sheena Easton
34 - "Better Be Good to Me," Tina Turner
33 - "I Feel for You," Chaka Khan
32 - "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," Wham!
31 - "Desert Moon," Dennis DeYoung
We'll kick off with R&B. Jeffrey Osborne had yet another of his flat, flavorless mineor hits on this duet with someone named Joyce Kennedy about how only the sex they have with each other can truly be considered "making love." That's great, but I don't care, and you can't make me. Literally, this song was your chance to make me care, and you failed. Tina Turner continued her 80s comeback with this rock-tinged number in which she forcefull demands proper treatment. And considering that she was tough enough to survive Ike, I wouldn't dare refuse her. And Chaka Khan had her second and final solo pop hit with this Prince cover best remembered for rapper Grandmaster Melle Mel's verses, which memorably open with "Chakachakachakachaka Khan, Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan." Once, while plunging off a bridge in his car, Homer Simpson was inspired by this song to shout "Save me Chaka Khan Chaka Khan!"
Three duos are here. Naked Eyes only made it as far as this with their last Top 40 with this synth-popper that questions a partner's decision to break up a relationship. Well, this was the time to get out, because Naked Eyes were down the toilet at this point. No sense letting their professional failures drag you down with them. Daryl and John scored yet again with this future #1 that's catchy and all, but the lyrics don't make any sense. What the hell does, "We're soul alone, and soul really matters to me" mean? But it sounds deep, and at this point, Hall and Oates were untouchable, so they got away with it, those magnificent bastards. And Wham! made their American breakthrough with this retro-sounding trifle about jitterbugs, Doris Day, and sleeping in. Pure 80s cheese, right down to the video. But no, George's "Choose Life" T-shirt was not, repeat, not, an anti-abortion statement. It was anti-drug abuse.
We've got three songs here by singers from groups going out on their own. Barry Gibb's only solo hit was this tune that I guess is about letting a lover go to be with someone better for her. That's what I manage to deduce among the lyrics about winemaking and sparkling spoons. Anyway, in terms of both songwriting and singing, far below the man's best. And some silly Latinish keyboards don't help. Lionel Richie picked up the eighth straight Top Ten of his solo career with this countryish ballad about how happy he is that his lady has remained with him in spite of the fact that she's "been a fool too long." But in real life, he was a fool just long enough for his wife to catch him in bed with another woman in a hotel room and proceed to beat the crap out of them both. That's one hotel where I don't think you we're "mighty glad you stayed," eh Lionel?"
We finish this first section with "Strut," the song that marked the debut of Sheena Easton, Slutty Version. After an early career that saw her as all sweetness and reserve, this song saw her singing openly about sex, in this case with a man who wants her to behave in bed exactly like another woman he has known. She objects, declaring "you make me feel like a girl for hire" and deciding "I won't be your baby doll." By far the coolest thing she'd done to that point. And no, Prince didn't write this, but he did write her next single, the even dirtier "Sugar Walls." Hope to come across that one soon. And Dennis DeYoung, the very high voice of Styx, had his one solo moment in the sun with a ballad that seems to be about a long-ago love affair that started while waiting for a train. A month later, he'd be joined on the 40 by bandmate Tommy Shaw's rocker "Girls with Guns." Dennis song was more successful, but Tommy's was way better.
30 - "Dynamite," Jermaine Jackson
29 - "Flesh for Fantasy," Billy Idol
28 - "Purple Rain," Prince and the Revolution
27 - "Who Wears These Shoes," Elton John
26 - "Swept Away," Diana Ross
25 - "Bop 'Til You Drop," Rick Springfield
24 - "Go Insane," Lindsey Buckingham
23 - "Blue Jean," David Bowie
22 - "There Goes My Baby," Donna Summer
21 - "Some Guys Have All the Luck," Rod Stewart
Once again, soul kicks us off. Michael's most successful brother had another of his handful-o'hits with this okay dance number about explosive sex. There's no reason to feel passionate about Jermanine Jackson at all. Diana Ross made Top 20 with a dance number about passion on a desert island. It was co-written by Daryl Hall. Not much more is interesting about it. And Donna Summer is here with this nothing-special cover of a 1959 classic by The Drifters. You could tell she was running out of steam, and that was borne out by the fact that she wouldn't have another hit until five years later.
Four male solo British rock stars are here. Billy Idol is here with a sultry sex number that seems to be about the rougher side of coitus. The tone for that is set by Steve Stevens' razorblade guitars, and laid out explicitly in the line "you see and feel my sex attack." Let's hope it's a consensual sex attack, Billy. Sir Elton shows up for the umpteenth time in these writings, this time with a midtempo bit of business about wondering who his old flame's with now. He was back writing with Bernie Taupin on this one, but it certainly isn't one of their standouts. David Bowie made the Top Ten with this horn-drenched, R&B-inflected tune about trying to pick up a woman named after pants by "jazzin'" for her. Not sure what that means, but this is cool. And Rod Stewart cracked the Top Ten with this mild uptempo pop cover of a 1973 R&B hit by The Persuaders. It's about the envy a man feels toward men who have women they can put their arms around and who they can call for help when their cars overheat. No, I know nothing about how that feels. Why do you ask?
We finish with two American rockers and an Australian. Prince entered the entire Hot 100 this week with the title ballad from his smash album and film of this time. We all know it, I'm sure, and many of us have probably cried over someone to its epic strains. But over the year's, I've come to believe that buried in this song is an endorsement of another band. You know the line, "It's time we all reached out for something new/That means you too"? Well, the way Prince wrote out his lyrics, it was surely spelled out "That means U 2." Could it be that he was telling the world that Bono and his boys were the future of music? For some reason, I believe he did. Feel free to disagree, though. Rick Springfield is here with a single from the soundtrack to his failed attempt at a film career, Hard to Hold. It's an upbeat dance-rocker about busy city life that doesn't rise above its silly title. And Fleetwood Mac's Lindsey Buckingham had his second and final solo hit with this squeaky, rubbery number that seems to be about the positive aspects of letting oneself get crazy. I've always like this one a lot. An underrated pop gem.
Tomorrow: queens, warriors, and making oneself happy.
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