Saturday, October 1, 2022

The Old Man's Ultimate Nineties Tournament of Uneasy Rider Songs (OMUNTURS): Round One: Part 1

THE WOULD I LIE TO YOU? UMMM, YES BOWL
"Just a Friend," Biz Markie, 1990
vs. "Things That Make You Go Hmmm...," C+C Music Factory, 1991

FINAL SCORE: Hmmm 27, Friend 21.  The two teams kept close eyes on each other out of suspicion.  Biz's side was more successful with their tricks for most of the game and appeared on their way to a comfortable win, but an interception by the Factory squad early in the fourth quarter seemed to demoralize the Friendly bunch, leading to a collapse and a C+C comeback victory.  Truly it was a thing that made you go h...ow did that happen?

THE LET'S DO SOMEONE DIFFERENT BOWL
"O.P.P.," Naughty by Nature, 1991
vs. "Splackavellie," Pressha, 1998

FINAL SCORE: O.P.P. 37, Splackavellie 27.  A matchup between two teams known for not respecting the rules had a lot of penalties, but also quite a bit of scoring. In the end, the Naughty side overcame Pressha's pressure thanks to a united front that saw every last homie and lady in the squad commit to their hard-hitting strategy.

THE MY SADDLE'S WAITING IN A BURGER KING BATHROOM BOWL
"The Humpty Dance," Digital Underground, 1990
vs. "Pony," Ginuwine, 1996

FINAL SCORE: Humpty 69, Pony 21.  The crew from the Underground put on an impressive performance in their tournament debut, with their unorthodox "Looptid" offense putting on a show that forced Ginuwine's team to ride off into the sunset.  Could lumpy oatmeal turn out to be the new breakfast of champions?  

THE I LIKE THE WAY YOU WORK THOSE X'S AND O'S BOWL
"Tic-Tac-Toe," Kyper, 1990
vs. "No Diggity," Blackstreet, 1996

FINAL SCORE; Tic 38, Diggity 20.  Both teams had talent and drive, but in the end, superior coaching won the day.  No one in this tournament is better at X's and O's than Coach Kyper.  The Blackstreet boys were left to bag up their equipment and go home. But they played enough to retain their diggity...er, dignity.

THE SWEET BUT DEADLY BOWL
"Unskinny Bop," Poison, 1990
vs. "Cherry Pie," Warrant, 1990

FINAL SCORE: Pie 34, Bop 23.  These teams were ready to play from the beginning.  The Unskinny players were visibly jumpy, and the Cherry boys came out swinging. In the end, Warrant won by playing hard all over the field and pulling off some sweet surprise plays, while also making sure to keep hydrated with frequent cool drinks of water.  In his postgame interview, losing coach Bret Michaels had the following comment: "We just love to play.  Nothing more to say."

THE MEMORABLE ONE-NIGHT STANDS BOWL
"All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You," Heart, 1990
vs. "Get a Leg Up," John Mellencamp, 1991

FINAL SCORE: Love 45, Leg 7.  Even before the game, the final result seemed like a foregone conclusion.  You could tell that no matter who the Heart team faced on this night, they were determined to take what they wanted from them and get the result they needed.  And Mellencamp's men seemed willing to go along for the ride and get out.  Will this win turn out to be just a one-time thing for the Love Makers, or is it a seed that will grow and grow until they deliver their fans a bundle of championship joy?

THE THESE GALS ARE GAME BOWL
"Hanky Panky," Madonna, 1990
vs. "Freak Like Me," Adina Howard, 1995

FINAL SCORE: Hanky 55, Freak 10.  Both teams came ready for action, but the Madonna brigade's willingness to absorb punishment was astonishing to watch.  Football fans are used to players patting each other on the butt after a great play, but the Hanky players took that to a new level.  Despite the lopsided loss, losing coach Howard said her team would be more than willing to have a rematch anywhere at any time.

THE WHAT'S THE SAFE WORD BOWL
"Sadeness Part 1," Enigma, 1991
vs. "Erotica," Madonna, 1992

FINAL SCORE: Sadeness 42, Erotica 24.  Madonna brought another team that was eager to get into the rough stuff to this matchup, but their opponents this time featured a coaching staff that practically invented that anything-goes style of play. And Enigma lived up to their name with their inscrutable play calling.  But the post game press conference was a bit of a farce, because all of the Sadeness representatives gave their answers in Latin. At least some of the reporters understood what Vini, Vidi, Vici meant.

THE YOU'RE PUSHING IT WITH THE MIXED MESSAGES, LADIES BOWL
"Let's Talk About Sex," Salt-N-Pepa, 1991
vs. "None of Your Business," Salt-N-Pepa, 1994

FINAL SCORE: Sex 28, Business 24.  The conflict between these teams began even before the game started.  The Talk side wanted to play in a large stadium and let people in for free, while the Business people preferred to play in a remote location with no spectators.  The game ended up being played in a smaller stadium, and tickets were quite expensive.  When it was over, it was the Talkers more open approach that prevailed. The losing team immediately left the field with unknown companions and departed for an undisclosed location.

THE EXPLANATION FOR COPULATION BOWL
"Justify My Love," Madonna, 1991
vs. "People are Still Having Sex," LaTour, 1991

FINAL SCORE: People 45, Justify 17.  It was pretty well known that the Justify team had been wanting, needing, and waiting for this game for quite a while.  But they ran into a juggernaut in LaTour and his people, who were just relentless in penetrating the defense and scoring every chance they got.  Injuries, penalties, a hostile crowd, nothing could keep them from getting what they came for.  They have become a fashionable pick to win this tournament, and at least so far, they look like they'll be pretty hard to stop.

THE SIZE MATTERS ON BOTH SIDES BOWL
"Gett Off," Prince, 1991
vs. "Short Short Man," 20 Fingers featuring Gillette, 1994

FINAL SCORE: Short 41, Gett 19.  Prince's teams are known for many things; flashy uniforms, unpredictable play calling, and willingness to get down and dirty among them.  But another thing they frequently are is, shall we say, undersized.  Often their opponents are too overwhelmed by the razzle-dazzle to take advantage of this, But 20 Fingers exploited this weakness from the get go, pushing them around and compounding the physical abuse with unrelenting trash talk.  After the convincing victory, winning quarterback Gillette was heard taunting the losers.  "Gett Off?  More like Gett Off the field, little guy! You can't play with the big boys!"

THE STEVE'S GOTTA HAVE IT BOWL
"Falling in Love (Is Hard on the Knees)," Aerosmith, 1997
vs. "Pink," Aerosmith, 1998

FINAL SCORE: Pink 17, Knees 10.  Both teams seemed more interested in other things than the game for much of it, but the Pink team prevailed due to superior conditioning; specifically, by taking better care of their joints.  The winning team was asked why they chose pink as their uniform color, to which a spokesman responded.  "It's for a cause.  We're supporting breast awareness."  When the reporter said "You mean breast cancer awareness?" he replied "Yeah, that too."

THE CAN'T STOP MESSING WITH THE DANGER ZONE BOWL
"I Touch Myself," Divinyls, 1991
vs. "Touch Myself," T-Boz, 1996

FINAL SCORE: I Touch 31, Touch 13.  Both sides seemed to be groups of individuals, more interested in making themselves feel good than being part of a team.  But the Divinyls overall handled themselves better, and in the end achieved a more satisfying result.

THE YOU KISS YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT? BOWL
"You Oughta Know," Alanis Morissette, 1996
vs. "Mouth," Merril Bainbridge, 1997

FINAL SCORE: Know 48, Mouth 3. Alanis' team came out full of rage over being abandoned by their most loyal fans, who decided to support a different team.  They channelled that anger into a thorough beating of Bainbridge's happy go lucky squad.  And even after the game, the Oughtas followed the Mouth team to a restaurant where they were having dinner just to remind them of the mess they made of their title hopes.  

THE KICK ASS BOWL
"Knockin' Boots," Candyman, 1990
vs. "Dunkie Butt," 12 Gauge, 1994

FINAL SCORE: Butt 42, Boots 13.  12 Gauge, naturally, employed the shotgun frequently on offence. And the Candyman players seemed more eager to watch their opponents running away from them than tackling them.  The Dunkies ride on to the next round.

THE HATE TO SEE YOU GO BUT LOVE TO WATCH YOU WALK AWAY BOWL
"Baby Got Back," Sir Mix-A-Lot, 1992
vs. "Rump Shaker," Wreckz-N-Effect, 1992

FINAL SCORE: Back 44, Rump 24.  Almost every play in this game featured the backfield in motion. It was close at halftime, but in the second half Mix-a-Lot's crew started to pull away like a turbocharged Corvette.  In the end, the Shakers hit it and quit it, while the Back boys get to stay and play.

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