The OMUTURE: Round 5

 THE OUTNUMBERED BUT NOT OUTSTUNNED BOWL

"19," Paul Hardcastle, 1985

vs. "One," Metallica, 1989

Final Score: Nineteen 35, One 27.  Both teams came out ready for a war, and the hard hitting and relentless pressure caused a lot of injuries on both sides.  The 19 team, however, seemed to have a deeper bench.  It seemed like Hardcastle had hundreds, if not thousands, of young men at his disposal, ready to come in and take a fallen teammate's place.  Metallica's squad had a lot of heart, but the punishing action took a toll to the point where by the final stages they seemed more than ready for their tournament lives to be over.

THE I AIN'T GONNA PLAY ANYWHERE KINGS ARE GONNA UNDRESS ME BOWL

"I've Never Been to Me," Charlene, 1982

vs. "Sun City," Artists United Against Apartheid, 1986

Final Score: Never 19, City 14.  The Charlene team continued to demonstrate that they were willing to go anywhere and do anything to experience all that this tournament have to offer, where as their opponents were always clear that there were some things they would not do, no matter what it cost them.  And it finally did come to that.  The Artists bow out with their principles intact, while the Me side continue to ignore the voices that tell them that winning this tournament might not be as fulfilling as they think it will be.

THE I'M INTO CLEAN STUFF BOWL

"Pac-Man Fever," Buckner and Garcia, 1982

vs. "Valley Girl," Frank and Moon Zappa, 1982

Final Score: Fever 25, Valley 17.  The Pac-Men prevailed with their quick movement and ability to evade tackles from all sides, while Zappa's team seemed to lose interest in the game in the second half, and were like, ohmigod, these cleats are so ugly, and when I take them off the smell is like grody, grody to the max.  I don't wanna do this anymore.  Let's get this over with and go to the Galleria, you know?

 

THE GIVE ME THAT MAGIC FLUTE, NUMBSKULL BOWL

"The Curly Shuffle," Jump N the Saddle, 1984

vs. "Rock Me Amadeus," Falco, 1986

Final Score: Curly 31, Amadeus 14.  The Saddle side's hard hitting and chaotic offense were impressive once again, but the real story of the game was an injury to Falco's star player, Wolfgang, who went down after an unfortunate collision with his backup, Salieri.  Sone say that Salieri injured Wolfgang intentionally so he could prove that he was a better player, but whether he did so or not, he played poorly and was booed off the field by his own team's fans, while the Shuffle faithful mocked him and pelted him with cream pies.

THE COPING MECHANISMS BOWL

"Eat It," Weird Al Yankovic, 1984

vs. "Don't Worry, Be Happy," Bobby McFerrin, 1988

Final Score: Happy 35, Eat 19.  The difference in this game was a lack of energy on the part of Yankovic's players, which was reportedly caused by lack of nourishment.  Apparently they refused to have anything for a pregame meal because they were unhappy with the options available at the team hotel.  The Happy team had no such issues, and they joyfully romped to yet another victory.

THE I'LL BE RIGHT HERE WATCHING MY STORIES BOWL

"General Hospi-Tale," The Afternoon Delights, 1981

vs. "Heartlight," Neil Diamond, 1982

Final Score: General 27, Heartlight 13.  After their impressive win over Prince, the Delights take down another big name, in large part because Diamond's star player, who had carried the team this far with his otherworldly talent, was so confused by the ever shifting formations of the opposing defense that he was confused and frustrated and finally just wanted to go home.  Interestingly, he did not leave the stadium on the bus with his teammates, but rather was picked up by a mysterious vehicle of another kind.  But this player, who was referred to by his initials only, lit up this tournament while he was here, and memories of his performances will never leave us.

THE HOPEFULLY THERE'S NOT A CELIBATE ROPE IN THAT CELL BOWL

"Turning Japanese," The Vapors, 1980

vs. "Bust a Move," Young MC, 1989

Final Score: Turning 28, Bust 10.  The Vapors team disoriented their opponents by turning up, turning down, turning in and turning round. The Young boys' moves were not distracting enough to divert the laser focus of the Japanese team. The losing team will now turn their attentions to scoring on a different kind of playing field.

THE MY NAME ISN'T SECRETARIAT EITHER BOWL

"Run for the Roses," Dan Fogelberg, 1982

vs. "Bruce," Rick Springfield, 1984

Final Score: Roses 37, Bruce 7.  Springfield's team seemed to struggle with their identity in this game, while Fogelberg's side knew exactly who they were and what they had to do: they were athletes formed by genetics and training, and they wanted to run, run, run until the race, er, game, was over.  And then enjoy a postgame meal of oats, carrots, and a sugar cube for dessert.