"19," Paul Hardcastle, 1985
vs. "We Didn't Start the Fire," Billy Joel, 1989
Final Score: Nineteen 28, Fire 14. Hardcastle's battle-hardened unit was able to handle all of the different offenses the Fire brigade threw at them. But losing coach Joel seemed relieved that his tournament was over, as he was heard to exclaim "I can't take it anymore!"
THE GETTING BLOWN UP CAN HAVE DIFFERENT MEANINGS BOWL
"99 Luftballons," Nena, 1984
vs. "One," Metallica, 1989
Final Score: One 27, Luftballons 24 (OT). Both teams are known for playing like there's no tomorrow, so it was not surprising that the game wasn't decided in regulation time. Nena's team got the ball first in overtime, and they immediately went for a long bomb. They thought it was the winning play, but instead it spelled the end for them, as it was picked off and allowed Metallica to kick the clinching field goal. The defeated Germans left the stadium without taking down the colorful decorations they had put up in their dressing room in anticipation of a victory.
THE WOMAN CONFESSES TO BEING UNDRESSED BY KINGS, FILM AT 11 BOWL
"I've Never Been to Me," Charlene, 1982
vs. "Dirty Laundry," Don Henley, 1983
Final Score: Me 34, Laundry 14. The first half was close, as both teams were very capable of getting down and dirty in the trenches. But at halftime, Charlene told Henley that the flashy way the teams were playing was setting a bad example and that going to a simple, clean game plan was the way to really win. The Laundry squad took that to heart, but the Never team kept on with their high-flying, self-centred offense and pulled away. They move on, but are they really happy about it?
THE IT'S NOT ABOUT THE WEATHER BOWL
"Sun City," Artists United Against Apartheid, 1986
vs. "Rain on the Scarecrow," John Cougar Mellencamp, 1986
Final Score: Sun 31, Rain 30. Both teams brought the inensity that comes when you're fighting for something more than just winning a football game. In the end, it was a couple of lesser-known talents who stepped up at key moments to give them the narrow win. It was a bad day all around for the Scarecrows, as not only did they lose, but after the game, their uniforms, equipment, and event their team bus was repossessed by the bank. There's just memories for them now.
THE DOMO ARIGATO FOR THE QUARTERS, MOM BOWL
"Pac-Man Fever," Buckner and Garcia, 1982
vs. "Mr. Roboto," Styx, 1983
Final Score: Fever 41, Roboto 10. It was another dominant Pac-Man performance, as they gobbled up yardage and dodged tackles on their way to another high score. There was controversy afterward when the losing team removed their helmets to reveal that they were a different team called The Kilroys, but because they were the team that was there for the game, the Uneasy Rider Tournament Committee has decided that result will stand.
THE LIKE, OMYGOD, CHEMISTRY IS, LIKE, SO BITCHIN BOWL
"Valley Girl," Frank and Moon Zappa, 1982
vs. "She Blinded Me with Science," Thomas Dolby, 1983
Final Score: Valley 38, Science 7. The Zappas once again were able to confuse their opponents with the bizarre language they used when calling plays at the line of scrimmage. Who knew that "Bag Your Face" was a middle screen? The Science club experimented with multiple defenses, but they couldn't find the right formula. And as far as offense, the Valley squad saw through pretty much every play Dolby called. The winning team celebrated their victory by going shopping for jeans and getting pedicures.
THE HAVE WE REALLY EVOLVED THAT MUCH SINCE CAVEMAN TIMES BOWL
"The Curly Shuffle," Jump N the Saddle, 1984
vs. "Walk the Dinosaur," Was (Not Was), 1989
Final Score: Curly 45, Dinosaur 16. In a battle of teams with basic, almost primitive strategies, the Saddle boys were able to push, shove, poke, wallop, and mertilize their way past the strong but lumbering Dinosaur defense. The Walkers now face extinction, looking back on what was (not was) and what might have been.
THE PLAYING PIECES BOWL
"One Night in Bangkok," Murray Head, 1985
vs. "Rock Me Amadeus," Falco, 1986
Final Score: Amadeus 33, Bangkok 27. The unconventional genius of the Falco team managed to pull out a close victory over Murray and his methodical, calculated strategy. His team is out, leaving his players to go back to their bars, their temples, their massage parlors.
THE I CAN SEE WHAT YOU HAD FOR LUNCH BOWL
"Eat It," Weird Al Yankovic, 1984
vs. "Somebody's Watching Me," Rockwell, 1984
Final Score: Eat 27, Watching 17. Al's boys proved hungry for victory again, and ate up yardage while the Rockwell team's cautious approach seemed to paralyze them at times in this game. It may be because this was the first of their games where fans were allowed in the stands.
THE YOU CAN BE TOO CAREFREE BOWL
"Wasn't That a Party," The Rovers, 1981
vs. "Don't Worry Be Happy," Bobby McFerrin, 1988
Final Score: Happy 45, Party 3. The Rovers' habit of boisterously celebrating their victories caught up to them, as their players hadn't seemed to completely recover from the aftermath of their last win. A few players were absent due to being "detained," while those that were there appeared lethargic. Their opponents didn't seem to notice, they just played their game with their usual enthusiasm. The Party is over for the losers, who were seen after the game taking aspirin and slinking onto their bus, where they reportedly spent the whole ride home sleeping off their experience.
THE PORT CHARLES VS. GOTHAM BOWL
"General Hospi-Tale," The Afternoon Delights, 1981
vs. "Batdance," Prince, 1989
Final Score: General 34, Batdance 28. This was considered something of an upset. Many thought that Prince's team, with their remarkable strength and gadget plays, could go all the way. But the Delights attacked with surgical precision and play calls that created dramatic twists in the story of the game. The key play happened in the final minute, as the Bat team were driving for a potential winning score. A Hospi-Tale defender grabbed the quarterbat, er, quarterback's face mask and removed his helmet. The Delights were of course given a penalty, but the quarterback, who did not have his name on the back of his his jersey, quickly ran off the field with his hands over his face. His backup, Dick Grayson, moved the ball a little farther, but was sacked on the final play.
THE SPACE AGE TECHNOLOGY BOWL
"Heartlight," Neil Diamond, 1982
vs. "Velcro Fly," ZZ Top, 1986
Final Score: Heartlight 30, Velcro 13. The Top team had made it to this point thanks to a sticky defense that grabbed on and wouldn't let go, but their opponents this time seemed capable of flying away from them whenever they really needed to escape a tackle. The Heartlight squad also seemed to have boundless energy, which may have come by the handfuls of Reese's Pieces the players were eating every time they were on the sideline. Can they make it all the way, or will there be a sugar crash at some point that sends them home.
THE I'VE GOT A PICTURE OF YOU STEPPING ON A CRACK BOWL
"Whip It," Devo, 1980
vs. "Turning Japanese," The Vapors, 1980
Final Score: Turning 42, Whip 16. As usual, the Vapors studied their opponents' every move to the point of obsession leading up to the game, and that preparation paid off. The Devo team, however, claimed that the loss was mainly the caused by bad luck resulting from one of their players stepping on a crack in the pavement of the stadium parking lot. Reports of the losing team being severely punished for failing to advance are unconfirmed.
THE OFFENSE VS. DEFENSE BOWL
"Keep Your Hands to Yourself," The Georgia Satellites, 1987
vs. "Bust a Move," Young MC, 1989
Final Score: Bust 23, Hands 17. The Young team and its focus on offensive strategy managed to penetrate what had been a stout and stingy defense for the Georgia boys. Even worse for the losers, their sponsor reneged on a promise to provide the players with a lifetime supply of free milk for their efforts. They are reportedly now in the market for a cow.
THE GOOD BREEDING BOWL
"Run for the Roses," Dan Fogelberg, 1982
vs. "Puttin' on the Ritz," Taco, 1983
Final Score: Roses 38, Ritz 21. Both teams got this far largely by using their legs, but in this matchup, Fogelberg's side and its powerful, straight ahead running game was more effective than the Taco team's fancy footwork. The consolation for the Ritz players was that they do get a considerable amount of prize money for their previous victories, and they plan to spend every dime for a wonderful time.
THE ANGRY AUSSIES BOWL
"Bruce," Rick Springfield, 1984
vs. "Beds are Burning," Midnight Oil, 1988
Final Score: Bruce 28, Beds 27. Both teams played with a lot of passion, but in the end, the difference may have been the fact that Springfield's team is determined to make sure everyone knows their names at the end of this tournament, while the Oil men are playing less for themselves than for an important cause. The clock may have struck midnight for the Beds, but their desire to make the world better continues to burn.
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