Late results. Where have I heard that before?
THE JUMPROPES AND JOYSTICKS BOWL
"Double Dutch Bus," Frankie Smith, 1981
vs. "Pac-Man Fever," Buckner and Garcia, 1982
Final Score: Fever 42, Bus 21. The Pac-Men's ability to gobble up yardage and time of possession prevailed over the fancy footwork of the Dutch. But how long will the Fever squad be content with being paid entirely in quarters?
THE AI BOWL
"Mr. Roboto," Styx, 1983
vs. "Automatic Man," Michael Sembello, 1984
Final Score: Roboto 55, Automatic 3. Both teams had state of the art preparation techniques and game planning, but the Styx team seemed more focused and passionate, and were better able to adjust to changing situations. Sembello's players now return to their lives of performing more intimate functions.
THE STRANGE VOICES BOWL
"Obscene Phone Caller," Rockwell, 1984
vs. "Paranoimia," The Art of Noise featuring Max Headroom, 1986
Final Score: Paranoimia 31, Phone 13. The Art squad won by playing like insomniacs who were desperate to tire themselves out. Rockwell blamed his teams loss on some mysterious, disturbing noises on his headset when he tried to communicate with his coordinators. But maybe he's just paranoid.
THE SCIENTIFIC VISION BOWL
"She Blinded Me with Science," Thomas Dolby, 1983
vs. "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades," Timbuk 3, 1986
Final Score: Science 35, Shades 14. At times, Dolby's team executed plays so well that it was like poetry in motion, and no amount of protective eyewear could prevent the Timbuk team from being dazzled. But despite the loss, they remain exceptionally optimistic.
THE FEMALES WHO SPEAK STRANGELY BOWL
"Baby Makes Her Blue Jeans Talk," Dr. Hook, 1982
vs. "Valley Girl," Frank and Moon Zappa, 1982
Final Score: Valley 66, Jeans 0. Their pants may have been able to talk, but the Hook teams offense, defense and special teams were all silent. The Valley team didn't let them get a word in edgewise, because, ohmygod, they were, like, scoring all these gnarly touchdowns, you know, and these bitchin' field goals, you know, like totally.
THE I CAN FEEL AND HEAR IT COMING BOWL
"In the Air Tonight," Phil Collins, 1981
vs. "Pump Up the Volume," M/A/R/R/S, 1988
Final Score: Pump 24, Air 23. A lot of tension in this one, but the men from M/A/R/R/S squeaked out a win with rhythmatic, systematic ball control. Sadly, the moment Phil's team had been waiting for all their lives was over.
THE FUTURE'S NOT SO BRIGHT AFTER ALL, AND I NEED A LOT MORE THAN SHADES BOWL
"1999," Prince, 1983
vs. "Silent Running," Mike and the Mechanics, 1986
Final Score: Running 27, 1999 19. The Mechanics played like a team constantly prepared for war, while their opponents seemed like they woke up this morning and realized they had a game to play. The 99ers did play like there was no tomorrow, but before they were able to finish a possible tying drive, the clock hit zero zero, party over, oops, out of time.
THE WE'RE STILL COOL BOWL
"Radio Ga-Ga," Queen, 1984
vs. "Hip to be Square," Huey Lewis and the News, 1986
Final Score: Radio 28, Square 10. Huey's boys prepared for the game by living clean, but it wasn't enough to beat Queen with their superior communication. Will their journey end in the next round, or have they yet to have their finest hour?
THE MOVE IT BOWL
"Walk the Dinosaur," Was (Not Was), 1989
vs. "Stand," R.E.M., 1989
Final Score: Dinosaur 38, Stand 24. It was the brute force of the Walkers vs. the intricate moves of the Standers. In the end, the Was side was able to crush R.E.M.'s dreams. Maybe it was their pregame meal of blue pork roasted in the Statue of Liberty's torch that made the difference.
THE MOE HOWARD AND JOHN WAYNE MEMORIAL BOWL
"The Curly Shuffle," Jump N' the Saddle, 1984
vs. "I Wanna Be a Cowboy," Boys Don’t Cry, 1986
Final Score: Curly 47, Cowboy 7. The Saddle Jumpers may have appeared disorganized, but it was that unpredictability that allowed them to knock over the Boys, who were definitely more upset than they looked by the fact that their opponents did not adhere to the Code of the West.
THE WORLD TOURIST BOWL
"One Night in Bangkok," Murray Head, 1985
vs. "Vienna Calling," Falco, 1986
Final Score: Bangkok 48, Vienna 6. Head's Chess club once again dominated with superior strategy and focus. They show up not for groupies or tourism, but to play and win the game. The Vienna team...not so much. They're now off to play exhibition games in Tucson, Arizona and Toronto, Canada.
THE IF YOU WON’T BUY ME A RUBBER DOLLY THEN YOU’RE NO FRIEND OF MINE BOWL
"The Clapping Song," Pia Zadora, 1983
vs. "The Safety Dance," Men Without Hats, 1983
Final Score: Clapping 28, Safety 26. Once again, Zadora's team, who were seen as one of the least talented teams in the tournament, pulls off an upset over a more highly regarded opponent. Were the Hatless men too cautious when they didn't gamble on a late 4th down? Did the Clapping team's wealthy owner exert his influence on the officials? And most importantly, will the winning team get their promised rubber dollies?
THE TWO GO MAD IN THE 80S BOWL
"Let’s Go Crazy," Prince, 1984
vs. "Crazy in the Night (Barking at Airplanes)," Kim Carnes, 1985
Final Score: Go 53, Night 0. Prince’s team played recklessly. Kim's played scared. The elevator isn't bringing the Purple Bananas down yet.
THE MAYBE HE ORDERED THAT BECAUSE HE HEARD THEIR CHICKEN TASTES LIKE WOOD BOWL
"Rapper’s Delight," The Sugarhill Gang, 1980
vs. "You be Illin'," Run DMC, 1986
Final Score: Delight 24, Illin' 17. The Sugarhill, er, gang pulled this one out by playing a long game, settling for short, snappy plays that strung together for scores. The DMC side had some quick hits, but unforced errors like mistaking a shoulder pad for the ball and putting on a first and goal ultimately cost them.
THE THEY BOTH LIKE SMOKES BOWL
"Take Off, " Bob and Doug McKenzie, 1982
vs. "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party)," The Beastie Boys, 1987
Final Score: Take 39, Fight 18. The McKenzies pass happy offense, inspired by the three down Canadian game, disoriented the Partiers, who paid the price for missing practices and film sessions. Hosers in the masked, socially distanced crowd (Canadians follow rules, eh?) were seen in shirts that said "WE THE GREAT WHITE NORTH. "
THE REVENGE OPERA BOWL
"The Legend of Wooley Swamp," The Charlie Daniels Band, 1980
vs. "Rock Me Amadeus," Falco, 1986
Final Score: Rock 34, Swamp 17. Falco’s offensive coordinator is considered a prodigy, and he wrote up a brilliant game plan that outsmarted the Swamp folk, who felt like they could sneak in and steal a win. Not only that, but when the losing team tried to leave, their bus got stuck in some mud that mysteriously appeared beneath it. And reportedly, they're still stuck.
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