Well, I'm doing this again. The first one was a lot of fun to put together, but I have a lot of regrets about certain selections and omissions. I'm certain we would have arrived at the same conclusion, but still. But I will say it has made me even more discerning about selecting the entries for this edition, and I feel confident that I will be kicking myself much less about what I put in and what I left out.
So here we go. Once again, we're starting with 256 songs that peaked inside the Top 40 of the Billboard Hot 100. All of these are songs that have something that made them stand out from the usual pop songs. It could be sound, subject matter, novelty, comedy, the introduction of a new style, the revival of an old style, or some other undefinable quality that just makes them seem unusual. And the first round being the most involved, I've didivided it into eight brackets containing 32 songs each. And once again, I'm portraying the matchups as American football bowl games.
So here we go.
THE LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT 'NAM BOWL
"Still in Saigon," The Charlie Daniels Band, 1982
vs. "Walking on a Thin Line," Huey Lewis and the News, 1984
Two songs about the aftermath of the Vietnam war for the soldiers who fought it. North Carolina country-rocker Daniels and his band went to #22 with a song about a man who felt duty-bound to answer the call to serve, but is now beset by traumatic flashbacks. Three years later, San Franciscan Lewis and his band reached #15 with a slick pop-rock take on a very similar story.
Final Score: Saigon 28, Line 17. Both teams came in having gone through hellish training that prepared them to face a determined, elusive opponent. But in the end, gritty Southern determination outlasted Huey's slick West Coast offense. It's the Daniels team that will have to recover from this battle to fight again.
THE LET ME TELL YOU SOME MORE ABOUT 'NAM BOWL
"Born in the U.S.A.," Bruce Springsteen, 1984
vs. "19," Paul Hardcastle, 1985
Two more songs that deal with the legacy of America's involvement in Southeast Asia in the 60s and 70s. New Jersey's Boss got to #9 with his anthemic-sounding tale of a guy who went to Vietnam because he ran out of other options and returned to face mistreatment, disillusionment, and difficulty finding employment. The next year, British producer Hardcastle hit #15 with an electronic dance track that samples news reports about what troops went through during and after the war.
Final Score: Nineteen 45, U.S.A. 19. The Springsteen squad came out with fist-pumping enthusiasm and fired up their home crowd early. But as the game wore on, Hardcastle's unusual approach to the game began to prevail, and their opponents weren't really sure what was going on. Their stuttery play calling and ability to dance around terrible conditions eventually led to a comfortable victory which sent Team U.S.A. back to Jersey and an uncertain future.
THE COMMIES ARE PEOPLE TOO BOWL
"Nikita," Elton John, 1986
vs. "Russians," Sting, 1986
A pair of songs in which rock superstars take different approaches to thawing the Cold War. The man born Reginald Dwight made it to #7 with a wish that he could one day meet and befriend a Soviet soldier. Then, the former Gordon Sumner hit #16 with a dirgelike number that states that the only hope for the world to avoid a nuclear holocaust is the possibility that people behind the Iron Curtain value their families as much as their Western counterparts do.
Final Score: Russians 38, Nikita 3. Elton's team took the field in the spirit of camaraderie and friendly competition, and were thus unprepared for Sting's stark and scary approach. The mere threat of long bombs were enough to subdue Nikita, who was much more intimidating than he looked. He and the rest of the losing team will never know how good it feels to hold the tournament trophy.
THE ROCK IN HARD PLACES BOWL
"Undercover of the Night," The Rolling Stones, 1984
vs. "All She Wants to Do is Dance," Don Henley, 1986
Two songs set in unspecified Latin American war zones. The Stones went to #9 with a dark rocker about life under a repressive regime under which political dissidents are tortured and/or disappeared and women are exploited for the sexual needs of foreign mercenaries. Two years later, a former Eagle reached #9 with a track about an American war profiteer whose efforts to make money from the chaos of a banana republic are hindered by his girlfriend's preoccupation with enjoying the local nightlife.
Final Score: Undercover 42, Dance 10. It wasn't much of a contest, as the Stones' team threatened their opponents with mutilation early on in the game and continued their aggression to the point where Henley's side seemed to already be thinking about their postgame plans before halftime. There were some rumblings during the game that the Undercover organization had engaged in some shady tactics by placing a listening device in the local disco lounge where the Dancers gathered the night before the game, but most observers were of the opinion that even if that did occur, the outcome would not have been much different.
THE HOT BUTTON BOWL
"Luka," Suzanne Vega, 1987
vs. "Fast Car," Tracy Chapman, 1988
Two songs that tackle social problems that were coming more to the forefront in this decade. California folksinger Vega hit #3 with a sing song from the point of view of a child trying to hide the fact that he is being physically abused by a parent. The next year, Cleveland folkie Chapman reached #6 with a song about a woman who dreams of being able to lift her family out of poverty and move out of a homeless shelter.
Final Score: Car 17, Luka 10. This is another matchup where both sides have endured a lot to get this far, and it was difficult for the crowd to root against either side. Chapman's team ended up winning by virtue of age and experience, but she and her fellow Cars not only embraced their opponents after the game, they adopted them so they could move forward as well. It's not surprising that a game involving socially conscious folk singers would end this way.
THE WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR BOWL
"The War Song," Culture Club, 1984
vs. "One," Metallica, 1989
Two songs that decry armed conflict. The British New Wavers hit #17 with a poppy tune that blatantly points out the futility of solving problems with fighting. Five years later, a pioneering Clifornia thrash band reached #35 with a haunting metal epic about a soldier who wishes to be put out of his misery after suffering incapacitating injuries in combat.
Final Score: One 77, War 0. The War party seemed to come into the game not wanting to engage in any kind of conflict, while their opponents seemed willing to leave everything on the field. But strangely, the losing side seemed much more upbeat after the game, while the victorious Metallica players appeared dejected by the knowledge that their journey wasn't over and that they would be made to play on.
THE LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT BOWL
"In America," The Charlie Daniels Band, 1980
vs. "For America," Jackson Browne, 1986
Two songs that express different ideas of how to show love for the United States. First, Charlie and company made it to #11 with a song encouraging fierce, unadulterated patriotism in the face of the economic and sociopolitical woes the nation was facing at the start of the decade. Then, L.A. singer-songwriter Browne got to #30 with a number that suggests one can best love one's country by honestly looking at its flaws and weaknesses and working to correct them.
Final Score: For 22, In 21. Most observers felt confident that the gung-ho enthusiasm of the Daniels team would dominate Browne's squad and their thoughtful, reflective approach to the game. But as it turned out, looking at the big picture led to the For side being content to kick field goals when the opportunities to do so presented themselves, whereas their opponents' pride wouldn't allow them to settle for anything less than touchdowns. In the end, Charlie's boys were the more dynamic team, but when all the points were added up, Jackson's decision to be more methodical and consider long-term consequences gave them a narrow victory. The defeated team's fans' hopes for a championship this year now rest with the Pittsburgh Steelers. Good luck with that.
THE WHAT'S GOING ON BOWL
"Pride (In the Name of Love)," U2, 1984
vs. "Look Out Any Window," Bruce Hornsby and the Range, 1988
Two songs that tackle themes explored by a certain Marvin Gaye Album. The now-iconic Irish rock band hit #33 with a song about the life and death of civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. Four years later, a Virginia group reached #35 with a soft-rock track about how large corporations are destroying the ecology.
Final Score: Window 13, Pride 6. This was an interesting matchup for many reasons, including the well-known fact that there are many powerful forces that don't want either of these teams to succeed. This created a strong mix of determination and respect between the sides, resulting in a hard-fought yet clean game. In the end, Hornsby's Rangers got the win thanks to their dogged resolve to protect the sanctity of the piece of land they'd been entrusted with; i.e., their end zone. After the game the teams stayed behind to help clean the litter left by the spectators. The Window team moves on to the next round, while Pride quarterback Bono (no relation to NFL journeyman Steve), resumes his quest to save the world, whether we want him to or not.
THE TRAFFIC BOWL
"Welcome to the Boomtown," David + David, 1986
vs. "Dr. Feelgood," Motley Crue, 1989
A pair of songs that feature guys who dispense illegal narcotics. Two musicians with the surnamed Baerwald and Ricketts made it to #37 with a portrait of two characters, one of them a young man named Kevin who sells drugs from a table in a popular chain restaurant. Then, the infamous Los Angeles glam-metal band hit #6 with the story of the rise and fall of a high-fiving purveyor of powdered mind-altering substances.
Final Score: Feelgood 24, Boomtown 14. Both teams arrived in fleets of identical cars: Porsche 944s for the Davids, '65 Chevys with primered flames for the Crue. Both teams could deal out punishment, but in the end, the Feelgoods had a more professional organization, which made the difference. There is speculation that officials may have been bribed by the good Dr., but as of yet that cannot be proven. So it's back to Denny's for the Boomtowners.
THE SLIM PICKENS BOWL
"It's a Mistake," Men at Work, 1983
vs. "99 Luftballons," Nena, 1984
Two songs that envisioned a cataclysmic end to the Cold War. First, a group of Australians reached #6 with a number that sees the end come as a result of fanatic military leaders who will not accept anything short of total victory. A year later, a German band named for their frontwoman hit #2 with a tale told in their native language about mutually assured destruction resulting from the misidentification of a bunch of helium-inflated decorations.
Final Score: Luftballons 34, Mistake 17. Both teams came in prepared for the worst case scenario and willing to go as far as they could to win. But it was the Nena team who pushed the right buttons. They used the advantage of being able to call plays in a foreign language to force the Workmen to make too many errors. The Mistake team now must return home to deal with the fallout.
THE JUST SAY NO BOWL
"Sign O' the Times," Prince, 1987
vs. "Toy Soldiers," Martika, 1989
Two songs that seem to share Nancy Reagan's opinion of illicit intoxicants. Minnesotan Prince Rogers Nelson got to #2 with a funk-rock rundown of societal problems, including rock-cocaine-smoking gang members and people for whom marijuana becomes a gateway to heroin. Then, a young Californian went all the way to #1 with a ballad about watching a friend struggle with an addiction to Colombian marching powder.
Final Score: Sign 38, Soldiers 10. Prince had a lot of firepower on his side, from a gang called the Disciples to a literal force of nature named Annie. They were able to treat the Soldiers like their playthings and tear them apart bit by bit. By the end of the game, they had all fallen down.
THE JUST SAY YES BOWL
"I Want a New Drug," Huey Lewis and the News, 1984
vs. "Smugglers' Blues," Glenn Frey, 1985
A pair of tracks about people who approve of narcotics. Huey and his current events made it to #6 with a chronicle of his search for a substance with that will have very specific effects on him. Then, another ex-Eagle went to #12 with the story of a drug dealer who happily profits from the dependencies of others.
Final Score: Blues 35, Drug 14. The News was good in the first half, as Huey was able to elude the Smugglers just enough to stay in front of them. But during the break, the Druggies decided to take a new supplement their opponents had offered them, and in the second half, they were well off their came. Lewis' players reported symptoms such as dry mouth, eye irritation, narcolepsy, sudden outbreaks of acne, amd feeling "three feet thick." And all said they were overcome by anxiety and confusion. The Smugglers apologized to their opponents for giving them the wrong stuff, and offered to give them something that would make them feel better...for a price. The News paid up. Frey's gang will continue to do business into the next round. Can they be stopped?
THE LEARN FROM HISTORY BOWL
"Cult of Personality," Living Colour, 1989
vs. "We Didn't Start the Fire," Billy Joel, 1989
Two hits that look back on events of the past. A New York band hit #13 with a hard rocker that refers to famous charismatic political leaders and examines how they manipulated public sentiment for their not-always-benevolent ends. Later the same year, another New Yorker topped the chart with a musical laundry list of major events and important personalities from the span of his lifetime, beginning in 1949.
Final Score: Fire 52, Cult 24. The Colour team came out of the gate strong after being fired up by their charismatic coach. But the Fire starters were built to keep their flame alive for the long run, and their hurry-up offense combined with their incredibly large and varied playbook became harder for the Cult members to keep up with, and after a Joel player named Castro shimmied his way through the defense to put his team ahead early in the second half, the Living players began to question their leader's wisdom,, and by the fourth quarter, they were openly revolting against his Stalinesque tactics. By that time, they were as defeated as the French at Dien Bien Phu. The Fire team now invade the second round, and they hope to do so more successfully than Kennedy did the Bay of Pigs.
THE WASTED YOUTH BOWL
"Spanish Eddie," Laura Branigan, 1985
vs. "18 and Life," Skid Row, 1989
A couple of songs about young people whose life choices lead to tragedies. New York singer Branigan reached #40 with a song about a street tough who meets his untimely end one hot night. Then a New Jersey hard rock outfit got to #4 with a power ballad about a teenager whose dalliances with alcohol and firearms lead to him accidentally murdering a friend and going to prison.
Final Score: Life 36, Eddie 0. The boys from Skid Row came in rowdy and spoiling for a fight, while the Spanish squad seemed impaired by their bizarre pregame libations of cough syrup mixed with citrus-flavoured alcohol. The Lifers youth allowed them to take foolhardy risks without fear, and that recklessness compelled Eddie and his teammates to visibly surrender long before the game was over. The Skid kids are now free to run wild through the next round, but one wonders if their immaturity will catch up with them sooner rather than later.
THE SCHOOL'S OUT BOWL
"Another Brick in the Wall Part II," Pink Floyd, 1980
vs. "Teacher, Teacher," .38 Special, 1984
Two songs that take a jaded view of modern education. A legendary English pop-rock band went to #1 with a song about the oppressive conformity of British boarding schools. Later, a group from Florida got to #25 with their critique of the American public system.
Final Score: Brick 38, Teacher 7. Coaching, or the lack thereof, was a big story in this game. The Brick boys were so intolerant of authority that they didn't even have one, while the Special squad were led by a tennis coach, so while they had instruction, it was irrelevant to the game they were playing. On the field, the Pink team were able to make up for a lack of organization with angry aggression, and they hammered the Teachers so thoroughly that after the game they felt like they'd been through a meat grinder. Can the Wall players build on this victory to make a deep run in the tournament? Well, one thing is for sure; these laddies won't stand still.
THE TEENAGE SUICIDE, DON'T DO IT BOWL
"You're Only Human (Second Wind)," Billy Joel, 1985
vs. "Don't Close Your Eyes," Kix, 1989
Two songs that deal with the issue of young people taking their own lives. Billy returns with an upbeat pop tune that suggests teenagers to look on the bright side. It got as high as #9. Four years later, a Maryland band hit #11 with a power ballad about trying to talk a friend out of resorting to self-destruction.
Final Score: Human 20, Eyes 17. Thought the two teams came out with different attitudes (Joel's bouncy and optimistic, Kix's grim and determined), they both fought hard and made for a close, dramatic contest that was ultimately decided by the Humans having just a little more left in the tank at the end. The Wind will blow into the second round, but their opponents were encouraged by their performance despite the loss, and they look forward to finding more games to play in the future.
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