Back to 30 years ago. The day after this chart was published, England exited the World Cup after losing 2-1 to Argentina on two memorable Diego Maradona goals. Little did we know that three decades and one day later, England, and the rest of Britain, would make another spectacular departure on the world stage. But enough of this talk of leaving. Let's instead enter the world of an early summer U.K. pop chart.
40 - "There'll Be Sad Songs," Billy Ocean
The Trinidadian-born Brit had a #1 in America with this, but it missed the Top Ten here. I side with Britain. It's a nice ballad, but nothing special. I'd just rather listen to "Love Really Hurts Without You" again.
39 - "Let's Go All the Way," Sly Fox
The one hit by this British-produced American funk-pop duo, a Top Ten in both countries. Still a lost classic. Zum zum zigga zigga indeed.
38 - "It's 'Orrible Being in Love (When You're 8 1/2)," Claire and Friends
This song was written by Brian and Michael (of "Matchstalk Men and Matchstalk Cats and Dogs" fame), and was performed by Stockport youngster Claire Usher and some of her schoolmates as an entry for a kid's TV talent contest. It's about the perils of prepubescent infatuation. At least that's what I'm told. I haven't been able to find lyrics to it, and they are unintelligible to my ears. All I hear are fingernails on a chalkboard. The song's title is too long by six words. But it easily claims this chart's Uneasy Rider. Torture for all ages.
37 - "Why Can't This Be Love," Van Halen
The VH brothers had only scored one U.K. Top 40 with David Lee Roth, ("Jump"), but they immediately doubled that total with their first single with Sammy Hagar. Maybe it's because Brits love synthesizers? Your guess is as good as mine.
36 - "Medicine Show," Big Audio Dynamite
The second of three U.K. Top 40s for Mick Jones' post-Clash band is this pop-rocker that is basically like a sales-pitch from an old-time tonic salesman pushing a miracle product. The samples from old Westerns are a nice touch.
35 - "God Thank You Woman" Culture Club
Boy George and co.'s last hit before their first breakthrough was this decent-enough pop-soul love song. Although by this time, I don't think there were many left that still believed he was interested in romance with the opposite sex.
34 - "The Teacher," Big Country
These Scots only had one hit in America (the anthemic "In a Big Country") but in the U.K. this was the ninth of 15 Top 40s. This is basic alternative rock about seeking truth. I must admit nothing I've heard so far even comes close to the majesty of their most familiar hit.
33 - "Snooker Loopy," Matchroom Mob
This combination of Cockney rockers Chas & Dave and professional snooker (a billiard game involving multicolored, non-numbered balls that is extremely popular in Britain) players Steve Davis, Dennis Taylor, Willie Thorne, Terry Griffiths and Tony Leo, reached the Top Ten with this pub singalong about the characteristics and talents of the participating players. Very bizarre. This one's gotta get an Uneasy Rider too.
32 - "Jump Back (Set Me Free)," Dhar Braxton
The only hit for this New Yorker is this dance slap-down of a would-be no-good boyfriend. Pretty catchy as these things go, and her attitude is palpable. I like it.
31 - "21st Century Boy," Sigue Sigue Sputnik
Formed in London by Tony James, whose late-70s group Generation X had introduced the world to Billy Idol, this band burst on the scene with their outrageous clothes, punk/rockabilly/synthpop sound, and their overt commercialism (they actually sold 20-30 second advertising spots on their debut album, and the version of this song I heard ended with a plug for i-D magazine). Their debut single, the fun but disposable "Love Missile F1-11" went to #3, but the follow-up just scraped into the Top Twenty. It's pretty much a carbon copy of its predecessor, with lyrics about sex and outer space and the future over a very similar background. They'd manage one more Top 40 hit two years later, but then they'd find themselves added to the pile of failed Next Big Things.
30 - "When Tomorrow Comes," Eurythmics
This product of the Dave Stewart/Annie Lennox hit machine only got this high here and didn't chart at all in America, but for my money it's no worse than their third best single. A straightforward rock song on which Annie pledges that she'll be there for you. Simple, but so strong.
29 - "Call of the Wild," Midge Ure
Scotsman James Ure had been in several bands since the mid-70s, finding his greatest success in the first half of the 80s with Ultravox. On a break from the band (during which he helped Bob Geldof put together both "Do They Know it's Christmas" and Live Aid), Ure had a #1 solo hit with "If I Was," as well as two other Top 40s, including this synthpop number about wanting someone to, um, go wild with him. I think that's it/ It's okay, but not essential.
28 - "Mine All Mine," Cashflow
80s funk from a band I can't find out much about. And the song doesn't make me feel a need to dig really deep. I do know they later appeared on the soundtrack to the Fat Boys' movie Disorderlies, so good for them.
27 - "Everybody Wants to Rule the World," Tears for Fears
The Bath duo's second U.K. #1, and the song that broke them in America. I still don't count myself among the "everybody," though.
26 - "Underground," David Bowie
Bowie's effort here is a song from the soundtrack of the Jim Henson film Labyrinth, in which he played the Goblin King. The song is the kind of taunt/invitation you'd expect from a villain in a children's adventure, and the gospel choir on the chorus provides a welcome boldness. The film bombed upon initial release, but became a cult hit on video, and yes, like almost every 80s movie that has any kind of following, there's talk of a remake/reboot. I haven't seen it, so I have no opinion.
25 - "The Chicken Song," Spitting Image
Spitting Image was an immensely popular British comedy series featuring satirical sketches performed with puppet doppelgangers of politicians, celebrities, and other public figures. One sketch featured a parody of popular dance-craze hits, introducing a song whose chorus told listeners to "hold a chicken in the air" and follow that up by performing a series of acts from the banal ("form a string quartet") to the random ("paint your left knee green"), and including acts of violence to oneself ("skin yourself alive," "disembowel yourself with spears") and others ("behead an Eskimo," "casserole your Gran"). The British sense of humour being what it is, the song was #1 for three weeks. It's absolutely one of the strangest, craziest things you'll ever hear. So yes, for the first time ever, I am bestowing a whopping three Uneasy Rider awards in one chart. They all deserve it. But if I had to pick one, this would be it.
24 - "Sinful," Pete Wylie
Liverpudlian Wylie has been in several bands since the late 70s (including more than one contatining the word "Wah!"), but his biggest hit under his own name was this Simple Mindsish number about trying to change the world for the better. It's not bad.
23 - "Lessons in Love," Level 42
Biggest hit for the Isle of Wight synth-poppers. I still say "Running in the Family" is so much better.
22 - "Venus," Bananarama
This Shocking Blue cover was a #1 in several countries, including the U.S., but only hit #8 here. In fact, these ladies never had a Number One at home. I'm quite surprised.
21 - "Friends Will Be Friends," Queen
Freddie and friends with a power ballad about the comfort of people who will stand by you through tough times. One of those circumstances mentioned in this song is "So the pound has dropped." Hmm. Interesting that I'm coming across this at this time of all times. Did Mr. Mercury call the Brexit 30 years before it happened? Well, this did come from an album called A Kind of Magic...
In Part Two: Be bad and feed your addiction, or turn to medicine and a higher power.
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