Back for more.
20 - “I Can Make You Feel Good,” Shalamar
The L.A. funkers’ first Top Ten here was this tune about a guy who promises to be a caring lover, because he knows that love is “a game where there can be two winners.” A song as slick as the band’s name.
19 - “Fantastic Day,” Haircut One Hundred
The third hit for the London pop group was this peppy lament about unrequited infatuation. Yes, it does reach the heights of its title adjective. Definitely in the same league as the great “Love Plus One.”
18 - “Layla,” Derek and the Dominos
Eric Clapton’s epic of longing and lust returned to the Top Ten ten years after it first scaled those heights. And yes, the single was the full seven minutes, including the Scorsese-immortalized piano ending. If rock has ever been capable of true beauty, it achieved it here.
17 - “Blue Eyes,” Elton John
Sir Elton’s first Top Ten of this decade was this bittersweet country love ballad. He keeps it simple, and thereby returns to form. Maybe his best song without Bernie Taupin.
16 - “One Step Further,” Bardo
Sally Ann Triplett and Stephen Fischer were brought together to sing this number that would end up being Britain’s Eurovision entry for the year. Lite synthpop about not taking romantic chances. It got to #2 and was the favourite to win the Song Contest, but a disappointing performance on the night resulted in a dismal seventh place. Apparently they needed to go six steps further.
15 - “Night Birds,” Shakatak
The London jazz-funk outfit’s first Top Ten was this bit of tinkly easy listening. It’s like the George Benson/ABBA collaboration no one asked for. Waiting-room anaesthesia.
14 - “Don’t Love Me Too Hard,” The Nolans
The final hit for the Irish sister act was this midtempo disco encouragement of carnal forbearance. They were like four Olivia Newton-Johns who never got to a Sandy/“Physical” sexual awakening phase. That might not have worked for them, but it would have been fun to see.
13 - “Have You Ever Been in Love,” Leo Sayer
Sayer’s final original Top Ten was this this big ballad about the ups and downs of romance. Not my cuppa, but I will say that here he comes off like a much better Christopher Cross.
12 - “Is it a Dream,” Classix Nouveaux
The only Top 40 for this band that rose from the ashes of influential punks X-Ray Spex was this angry New Waver about how the world sucks and always will. There’s a place for nihilism in pop if it’s catchy enough, and this certainly is.
11 - “See Those Eyes,” Altered Images
The third hit for these Scots is more synth aggression. Clare Grogan warns us all about women who are just teases. Consider me warned, and entertained. I’ve enjoyed learning that these guys had much more to offer than “I Could Be Happy.”
10 - “Dear John,” Status Quo
Here they are again with more assembly-line boogie rock, this time about being dumped by a note left behind. Maybe she was tired of the routine, the same old same old, the...what’s that Latin phrase that means the same thing? If so, I can’t blame her.
9 - “Papa’s Got a Brand New Pigbag,” Pigbag
Formed in Cheltenham, this band scored their only hit with this iconically iconoclastic instrumental. It sounds like a band trying to play punk, but the only rock instrument they have is an electric bass, and their playing the rest on what they found in a school marching band’s rehearsal room. And it turned out amazingly. It’ll pump you up to take on anything.
8 - “Just an Illusion,” Imagination
The biggest hit for Leee John and company was this slinky funk number about romantic fantasies that won’t come true. British groups often miss something when they do this genre, but this is pretty spot on. For real.
7 - “Ghosts,” Japan
The biggest hit for the arty New Wavers from Catford was this spooky, drum-free piece about doubt and depression. It’s a goth masterpiece, but something about the synth sounds and David Sylvian’s singing attracts listeners who have colours other than black in their wardrobes.
6 - “More Than This,” Roxy Music
Roxy’s final Top Ten was this sumptuous synth ballad about past romantic glories. It’s a warm bath of pop class. In the whole of their career, these guys were, ahem, more than this, but this was a nice place for them to end up.
5 - “Give Me Back My Heart,” Dollar
The duo’s final Top Five was this breathy breakup ballad. The voices kind of drown into the synths and just make it a kind of mush. On my exchange, it’s 17 cents.
4 - “Seven Tears,” The Goombay Dance Band
These guys were essentially Germany’s second string Boney M. Their only hit here, a schlager/reggae hybrid about the heartbreak of separation, got all the way to #1. The kind of song about sadness that only touches people who’ve never really been that sad.
3 - “Ebony and Ivory,” Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
Two legends fight racism with sap, win a Triple Crown, and inspire the best thing Joe Piscopo will ever be associated with. Life truly is an Eskimo Pie. Take a bite.
2 - “Ain’t No Pleasing You,” Chas and Dave
The Rockney duo’s biggest hit was this rousing singalong about finally being fed up by a lover who cannot be satisfied. It’s the closest they came to seriousness, but it retains enough of their blokey relatability to not be jarring, If they ever could have had a hit across the pond, it would have been this.
1 - “My Camera Never Lies,” Bucks Fizz
The third and final charttopper for the ‘81 Eurovision champs was this song about catching a lover in deception. It’s okay, but not great, I would describe it as “out-of-focus ABBA.”
We are back in Canada next time. See you then, eh?
Friday, April 26, 2019
Monday, April 22, 2019
AOMA: UKT40 April 17, 1982 Part One
April 1982. Britain went to war with Argentina over the Falkland Islands. While they were tightening their hold on one part of the Empire, they were loosening their grip on another, as the Queen returned Canada’s constitution to Ottawa. But the sun never sets on the charts, so here’s one from then.
40 - “Promised You a Miracle,” Simple Minds
The Glasgow band’s U.K. breakthrough was this sparkling synthpopper about trying to keep the magic of love alive through life’s challenges. It’s a song I can relate to more now than I could when I first heard it, and as such it has risen a lot in my esteem.
39 - “Memory,” Barbra Streisand
Babs’ version of the achingly reflective showpiece ballad from the musical Cats was produced by Andrew Lloyd Webber himself, and he broke out all the bells and whistles to set her up to make it the diva exercise it was always meant to be. It’s Streisand distilled. I’m sure superfans have this on all their playlists, and haters cringe at the first note. I’m in the middle. Yes, we exist.
38 - “Go Wild in the Country,” Bow Wow Wow
Our second encounter with the Malcolm McLaren protégés biggest hit. Sill a fun, raucous call to get back to nature. I love it, but I’m not living it.
37 - “Stone Cold,” Rainbow
The sixth and last Top 40 for Ritchie Blackmore’s post-Deep Purple band was this midtempo rocker about an uncaring but addictive lover. It’s very evocative of Blackmore’s old band, with echoes of Foreigner. Not bad.
36 - “Your Honour,” Pluto Shervington
Six years after “Dat,” Jamaican Shervington picked up another hit with a 1975 track about a man on trial for being found in the closet of another man’s bedroom, presumably to try and avoid being caught committing adultery with the other man’s wife. The plaintiff insist he couldn’t have been touching the woman, because his two hands were full; one was holding his shirt, the other his pants. Despite also claiming that both the wife and the downstairs maid could vouch for him, he was convicted and put in jail, where he has the cheek to ask the guard to smuggle in a woman for him the next time he brings dinner. The more elaborate and much funnier precursor to “It Wasn’t Me,” and a worthy reason to dust off the Uneasy Rider.
35 - “Mickey,” Toni Basil
Nearly two decades after kicking off her showbiz career by appearing in movies starring Elvis and the Rat Pack in the same year, Philly native Antonia Basilotta had her big culture moment with this mind-blowing, chant-fuelled Racey cover that is now firmly in the bubblegum pop canon. Britain got it first, but they were also the ones who held it just short of a Triple Crown, so they get a mixed grade.
34 - “Freeze-Frame,” The J. Geils Band
The second and final Brit hit for these Bostonians was this rocker full of photography metaphors. Where previous hit “Centrefold” was a glossy, magazine-cover quality glamour shot, this is like a really good amateur snap, suitable for display on one’s desk at work. Both have their appeal.
33 -“Party Fears Two,” The Associates
The first and biggest hit for these Scots was this wailed New Romantic track that seems to be about a person who gets increasingly unpleasant the more alcohol he consumes. This one doesn’t do it for me. The vocals are just too distracting.
32 - “Cat People (Putting Out Fire),” David Bowie
Bowie teamed with producer Giorgio Moroder on this theme to a film about sex and violence among werecats. It projects a suitably sultry vibe, but it’s a minor page in Davey Boy’s catalogue. What strikes me more is yet another reminder that the early 80s were the pinnacle of unorthodox sexual obsession in mainstream Hollywood movies.
31 - “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” Tight Fit
Another reminder that the group assembled for this #1 Tokens/Solomon Linda cover was entirely different than the one that recorded the previous year’s Top Five medley “Back to the Sixties.” And that’s still more interesting than anything about this track.
30 - “Iron Fist,” Motörhead
Lemmy and co.’s seventh and final first-release Top 40 was this speedy slammer about a powerful demon on a flying horse. Yes, of course it rates a concussive 5 on the Headbangometer. My brain is still rattling.
29 - “Are You Lonesome Tonight (Laughing Version),” Elvis Presley
This is a 1969 version of his classic ballad, recorded live in Las Vegas. But as the subtitle would suggest, it’s hardly straightforward. First, Elvis jokingly changes a lyric in the first verse to “Do you gaze at your bald head and wish you had hair.” Then during the dramatic spoken word bridge, he starts cracking up and never regains composure for the duration of the song. The reason? Apparently, he was amused by backing singer Cissy “Whitney’s Mom” Houston, whose wails honestly did sound like a poorly played musical saw. I get that. But I also think that the Jordanaires had several worse performances. Why do they sound like dying cats on “White Christmas?” Anyway, this is a fun little curiosity.
28 - “Ever So Lonely,” Monsoon
This trio fronted by Londoner Sheila Chandra had their biggest hit with this melding of New Wave and Indian instrumentation. It’s an excellent blend, like butter chicken on poutine, my co-favourite (with pulled pork) at New York Fries. Because you needed to know that.
27 - “Poison Arrow,” ABC
The slickly wonderful first Top Ten for the Sheffielders. Not much more to say except it hits it’s target dead centre.
26 - “House on Fire,” The Boomtown Rats
The final Top 40 for the Geldof gang was this horn-heavy ska-reggae number on which Sir Bob does a cod-Jamaican accent while bragging about how well he gets along with Tarzan, the devil, and some girl named Louise. It was clearly time for all involved to move on.
25 - “This Time (We’ll Get it Right),” England World Cup Squad
After missing the Finals in ‘74 and ‘78, the national football team qualified for the 1982 tournament in Spain, which gave the boys (including past hitmaker Kevin Keegan and future chart-botherer Glenn Hoddle) reason to get together with Smokie’s Chris Norman to record this pub singalong that eventually reached #2. The lyrics are all about their pride in representing their country and their determination to win the trophy once again. And in Spain, they started very well with three straight first-round wins. But two scoreless second round draws against the hosts and West Germany ended their quest. The wait for a bookend to 1966 continues to this day.
24 - “Really Saying Something,” Bananarama with Fun Boy Three
The female vocal trio’s second and last Top Five with a triumvirate of exiles from the Specials was this funk wave cover of a 1964 single by minor Motown act the Velvelettes. More than previous collaboration “It Ain’t What You Do, It’s the Way That You Do It,” this set the template for the ‘Rama’s future hit run.
23 - “Quiereme Mucho (Yours),” Julio Iglesias
The Spanish lothario’s second Top Five here was this version of a 1910s composition about love and longing. More of the kind of watered-down tango tosh that made him a hit with fortysomething housewives. But good for him, and them. Everyone needs their own pop idols.
22 - “A Bunch of Thyme,” Foster and Allen
The first of two hits for this Irish guitar/accordion duo was this old timey folk number about how young maidens should remain virgins, unlike this one slut they know who had sex with a sailor who gave her syphilis. They wrap it up in flowery metaphor, but that’s what their saying. I’m sure there are people who would enthusiastically hire these guys as sex education teachers, but to me, this is a poisonous waste of thyme. I was hoping that Helen Reddy would show up halfway through and kick them both in the balls.
21 - “The Damned Don’t Cry,” Visage
The fourth hit for the synth duo was this track about being lonely and miserable, but fabulously so. They were forming the template that New Order and Depeche Mode would follow, and this shows how fully-formed the formula already was.
In Part Two: letters, pictures, and a sack of pork.
40 - “Promised You a Miracle,” Simple Minds
The Glasgow band’s U.K. breakthrough was this sparkling synthpopper about trying to keep the magic of love alive through life’s challenges. It’s a song I can relate to more now than I could when I first heard it, and as such it has risen a lot in my esteem.
39 - “Memory,” Barbra Streisand
Babs’ version of the achingly reflective showpiece ballad from the musical Cats was produced by Andrew Lloyd Webber himself, and he broke out all the bells and whistles to set her up to make it the diva exercise it was always meant to be. It’s Streisand distilled. I’m sure superfans have this on all their playlists, and haters cringe at the first note. I’m in the middle. Yes, we exist.
38 - “Go Wild in the Country,” Bow Wow Wow
Our second encounter with the Malcolm McLaren protégés biggest hit. Sill a fun, raucous call to get back to nature. I love it, but I’m not living it.
37 - “Stone Cold,” Rainbow
The sixth and last Top 40 for Ritchie Blackmore’s post-Deep Purple band was this midtempo rocker about an uncaring but addictive lover. It’s very evocative of Blackmore’s old band, with echoes of Foreigner. Not bad.
36 - “Your Honour,” Pluto Shervington
Six years after “Dat,” Jamaican Shervington picked up another hit with a 1975 track about a man on trial for being found in the closet of another man’s bedroom, presumably to try and avoid being caught committing adultery with the other man’s wife. The plaintiff insist he couldn’t have been touching the woman, because his two hands were full; one was holding his shirt, the other his pants. Despite also claiming that both the wife and the downstairs maid could vouch for him, he was convicted and put in jail, where he has the cheek to ask the guard to smuggle in a woman for him the next time he brings dinner. The more elaborate and much funnier precursor to “It Wasn’t Me,” and a worthy reason to dust off the Uneasy Rider.
35 - “Mickey,” Toni Basil
Nearly two decades after kicking off her showbiz career by appearing in movies starring Elvis and the Rat Pack in the same year, Philly native Antonia Basilotta had her big culture moment with this mind-blowing, chant-fuelled Racey cover that is now firmly in the bubblegum pop canon. Britain got it first, but they were also the ones who held it just short of a Triple Crown, so they get a mixed grade.
34 - “Freeze-Frame,” The J. Geils Band
The second and final Brit hit for these Bostonians was this rocker full of photography metaphors. Where previous hit “Centrefold” was a glossy, magazine-cover quality glamour shot, this is like a really good amateur snap, suitable for display on one’s desk at work. Both have their appeal.
33 -“Party Fears Two,” The Associates
The first and biggest hit for these Scots was this wailed New Romantic track that seems to be about a person who gets increasingly unpleasant the more alcohol he consumes. This one doesn’t do it for me. The vocals are just too distracting.
32 - “Cat People (Putting Out Fire),” David Bowie
Bowie teamed with producer Giorgio Moroder on this theme to a film about sex and violence among werecats. It projects a suitably sultry vibe, but it’s a minor page in Davey Boy’s catalogue. What strikes me more is yet another reminder that the early 80s were the pinnacle of unorthodox sexual obsession in mainstream Hollywood movies.
31 - “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” Tight Fit
Another reminder that the group assembled for this #1 Tokens/Solomon Linda cover was entirely different than the one that recorded the previous year’s Top Five medley “Back to the Sixties.” And that’s still more interesting than anything about this track.
30 - “Iron Fist,” Motörhead
Lemmy and co.’s seventh and final first-release Top 40 was this speedy slammer about a powerful demon on a flying horse. Yes, of course it rates a concussive 5 on the Headbangometer. My brain is still rattling.
29 - “Are You Lonesome Tonight (Laughing Version),” Elvis Presley
This is a 1969 version of his classic ballad, recorded live in Las Vegas. But as the subtitle would suggest, it’s hardly straightforward. First, Elvis jokingly changes a lyric in the first verse to “Do you gaze at your bald head and wish you had hair.” Then during the dramatic spoken word bridge, he starts cracking up and never regains composure for the duration of the song. The reason? Apparently, he was amused by backing singer Cissy “Whitney’s Mom” Houston, whose wails honestly did sound like a poorly played musical saw. I get that. But I also think that the Jordanaires had several worse performances. Why do they sound like dying cats on “White Christmas?” Anyway, this is a fun little curiosity.
28 - “Ever So Lonely,” Monsoon
This trio fronted by Londoner Sheila Chandra had their biggest hit with this melding of New Wave and Indian instrumentation. It’s an excellent blend, like butter chicken on poutine, my co-favourite (with pulled pork) at New York Fries. Because you needed to know that.
27 - “Poison Arrow,” ABC
The slickly wonderful first Top Ten for the Sheffielders. Not much more to say except it hits it’s target dead centre.
26 - “House on Fire,” The Boomtown Rats
The final Top 40 for the Geldof gang was this horn-heavy ska-reggae number on which Sir Bob does a cod-Jamaican accent while bragging about how well he gets along with Tarzan, the devil, and some girl named Louise. It was clearly time for all involved to move on.
25 - “This Time (We’ll Get it Right),” England World Cup Squad
After missing the Finals in ‘74 and ‘78, the national football team qualified for the 1982 tournament in Spain, which gave the boys (including past hitmaker Kevin Keegan and future chart-botherer Glenn Hoddle) reason to get together with Smokie’s Chris Norman to record this pub singalong that eventually reached #2. The lyrics are all about their pride in representing their country and their determination to win the trophy once again. And in Spain, they started very well with three straight first-round wins. But two scoreless second round draws against the hosts and West Germany ended their quest. The wait for a bookend to 1966 continues to this day.
24 - “Really Saying Something,” Bananarama with Fun Boy Three
The female vocal trio’s second and last Top Five with a triumvirate of exiles from the Specials was this funk wave cover of a 1964 single by minor Motown act the Velvelettes. More than previous collaboration “It Ain’t What You Do, It’s the Way That You Do It,” this set the template for the ‘Rama’s future hit run.
23 - “Quiereme Mucho (Yours),” Julio Iglesias
The Spanish lothario’s second Top Five here was this version of a 1910s composition about love and longing. More of the kind of watered-down tango tosh that made him a hit with fortysomething housewives. But good for him, and them. Everyone needs their own pop idols.
22 - “A Bunch of Thyme,” Foster and Allen
The first of two hits for this Irish guitar/accordion duo was this old timey folk number about how young maidens should remain virgins, unlike this one slut they know who had sex with a sailor who gave her syphilis. They wrap it up in flowery metaphor, but that’s what their saying. I’m sure there are people who would enthusiastically hire these guys as sex education teachers, but to me, this is a poisonous waste of thyme. I was hoping that Helen Reddy would show up halfway through and kick them both in the balls.
21 - “The Damned Don’t Cry,” Visage
The fourth hit for the synth duo was this track about being lonely and miserable, but fabulously so. They were forming the template that New Order and Depeche Mode would follow, and this shows how fully-formed the formula already was.
In Part Two: letters, pictures, and a sack of pork.
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
The OMUSURT: Round Four
So now we’re at the point where I can cover the whole field in just one post. Just 32 songs remain in our crazy contest, and only sixteen will move on. Are you tingling yet? I imagine not, but still, here goes.
THE GIVE THE U.S. SOME SUGAR AWARD
“What the World Needs Now is Love/Abraham Martin and John,” Tom Clay, 1971
vs. “The Americans,” Byron MacGregor, 1974
After getting past Les Crane’s “Desiderata,” befuddling the Temptations’ “Ball of Confusion,” and marching over Coven’s “One Tin Soldier,” Clay’s plea for peace takes on MacGregor’s defence of a nation not his own, which got here by beating Gordon Sinclair’s “The Americans” at their own game, flying by Wings’ “Give Ireland Back to the Irish,” and holding down Helen Reddy’s “I Am Woman.”
Final Score: Americans 38, World 14. MacGregor’s team answered Clay’s youthful idealism by hitting hard and telling their opponents how they should appreciate the greatness of those hits. Love turned out not to be all Abraham, Martin and John needed.
THE WHOLE LOT OF WIND BOWL
“Convention ‘72,” The Delegates, 1972
vs. “Hurricane,” Bob Dylan, 1975
After draining Dickie Goodman’s “Energy Crisis ‘74,” out-campaigning Alice Cooper’s “Elected,” and ending the journey of Charlie Daniels’ “Uneasy Rider,” The Delegates’ satirical look at American politics faces Dylan’s tale of an unjustly convicted boxer, who knocked off his own “George Jackson,” drove out Joni Mitchell’s” Big Yellow Taxi,” and survived against Rod Stewart’s “The Killing of Georgie.”
Final Score: Convention 34, Hurricane 21. Dylan’s team had a lot of fight, but their opponents used their power and influence to convince the officials to make some questionable calls in their favour. The Hurricane squad say they are determined to overturn this injustice, even if it takes more than a decade. However, this tournament will be long over by then.
THE UNPLEASANT IMAGES ARE BROUGHT TO MIND BOWL
“Dueling Banjos,” Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandell, 1973
vs. “Tubular Bells,” Mike Oldfield, 1974
After plucking Henhouse Five Plus Two’s “In the Mood,” putting the heat on The Who’s “Summertime Blues,” and short circuiting Deodato’s “Also Sprach Zarathustra,” Weissberg and Mandell’s country pickfest meets Oldfield’s haunting accompaniment to demonic possession, who hobbled Frank Mills’ “Music Box Dancer,” crushed Peter Frampton’s “Do You Feel Like We Do,” and melted Hot Butter’s “Popcorn.”
Final Score: Bells 13, Banjos 10 (OT). The goal of both teams seemed to be to intimidate their opponents into surrender: the Bells with straight-up scare tactics, the Banjos with a more deceptive approach. The game went into overtime, and Oldfield’s team got into position for a winning field goal. The kick was low, and one of the Duellists got his body in front of it, but the ball went through his body, killing him instantly, and as if imbued with some otherworldly power, it maintained enough momentum to rise and travel through the goalposts for the winning points. After the game, fans wondered if anyone could deliver us from the consequences of a Tubular triumph.
THE TEENAGE DIPLOMAT GETS DRAFTED BOWL
“Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy,” Bette Midler, 1973
vs. “Blinded by the Light,” Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, 1977
After outperforming Marvin Hamlisch’s “The Entertainer,” chugging past Tuxedo Junction’s “Chattanooga Choo Choo,” and boogieing by Disco Tex and his Sex-O-Lettes’ “Get Dancin’,” Midler’s take on a cool military musician matches up with the Earth Band’s serving of Springsteenian word salad, which raced past Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen’s “Hot Rod Lincoln,”
freaked out Herman Brood and His Wild Romance’s “Saturday Night,” and withheld victory from the Pipkins’ “Gimme Dat Ding.”
Final Score: Light 27, Bugle 20. The excitement began during the pre-game introductions, as Midler’s men were led out by their exuberant horn-led team band, followed by Mann’s men coming out to the sound of their madmen drummers. The Boogie Woogie boys jumped out to a lead, but as the game went on, many of their players seemed to become ill. It started with some very unpleasant sneezing and wheezing, and escalated to the point were by the end of the third quarter, half the team was in the dumps with the mumps. The game was still close near the end, but after an Earth Band member delivered an unexpected hit to Midler’s quarterback’s funny bone, the war was over.
THE DEATH IN THE AIR AND BELOW THE GROUND BOWL
“D.O.A.,” Bloodrock, 1971
vs. “Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
After outlasting Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper,” outgunning Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Saturday Night Special,” and blowing past Paper Lace’s “The Night Chicago Died,” D.O.A.’s graphic depiction of a plane crash victim’s final moments goes up against The Buoys’ story of miners who go to extremes to survive, which shot down Curtis Mayfield’s “Freddie’s Dead,” sped by David Geddes’ “Run Joey Run,” and ended the championship delusions of Helen Reddy’s “Angie Baby.”
Final Score: Timothy 24, D.O.A. 23. Two punishing attacks went at each other fiercely. The Bloodrock gang were brutally effective but hard to watch, while the Buoys were more subtle but no less ruthless. It was a war of attrition, but in the end, Bloodrock expired, while the Buoys found that little bit extra they needed to come out alive.
THE ANSWER ISN’T BLOWING IN THE WIND AFTER ALL BOWL
“The Lord’s Prayer,” Sister Janet Mead, 1974
vs. “Gotta Serve Somebody,” Bob Dylan, 1979
After flooding Boney M’s “Rivers of Babylon,” dazzling The Royal Scots’ Dragoon Guards “Amazing Grace,” and emerging victorious from their encounter with Murray Head’s “Superstar,” Mead’s poppy interpretation of the famed Christian plea takes on Dylan’s warning to everyone in the whole world of their inevitable choice, which brought Norman Greenbaum’s “Spirit in the Sky” back to Earth, ran out the clock on Marilyn Sellars’ “One Day at a Time,” and damned Curtis Mayfield’s “(Don’t Worry) If There’s Hell Below, We’re All Going to Go.”
Final Score: Prayer 30, Serve 16. In the end, Sister Mead and her charges were more focused and decisive, whereas the nature of Dylan’s side, made up of disparate players from different walks of life and torn between two extremes, finally caught up with them.
THE BASEBALL AND TELECOMMUNICATIONS ARE MORE FUN THAN THEY SEEM BOWL
“Telephone Man,” Meri Wilson, 1977
vs. “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” Meat Loaf, 1978
After squashing The Who’s “Squeeze Box,” rejecting The Bellamy Brothers’ “If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body Would You Hold it Against Me,” and overturning Eric Burdon and War’s “Spill the Wine,” Wilson’s story of getting something put in for her meets Meat’s look at America’s other favourite pastime, which shut the door on Paul Nicholas’ “Heaven on the 7th Floor,” clawed past Ted Nugent’s “Cat Scratch Fever,” and left behind The Jimmy Castor Bunch’s “The Bertha Butt Boogie.”
Final Score: Dashboard 33, Telephone 20. Meat Loaf’s herd came in knowing they had to do anything they could to score, while the Wilson team had the attitude that all they had to do was want it and they could go anywhere they wanted. The result was that the revved-up Paradise team got their reward. The Telephone company didn’t seem too upset about the loss, as although they remained locked in their dressing room for hours after the game, they sounded like they were quite happily getting on with their lives.
THE IT’S MY LIFE, IT’S MY WIFE BOWL
“King Heroin,” James Brown, 1972
vs. “Walk on the Wild Side,” Lou Reed, 1973
After figuring out Think’s “Once You Understand,” smoking Jim Stafford’s “Wildwood Weed,” and schooling Cheech and Chong’s “Earache My Eye Featuring Alice Bowie,” Brown’s ominous message from an opiate faces Reed’s portrait of New York scenesters, which overpowered The Village People’s “Macho Man,” exposed Tony Orlando and Dawn’s “Say, Has Anybody Seen My Sweet Gypsy Rose,” and resisted LaBelle’s “Lady Marmalade.”
Final Score: Heroin 53, Walk 3. Brown’s team continued their reign of terror, destroying all of the hopes and dreams of their idealistic opponents. Reed’s whole team was transformed into shadows of their former selves. Holly looked a mess, Candy lost her head, Little Joe had given everything away, The Sugar Plum Fairy had lost her appetite, and Jackie had crashed for good.
THE CLEAN AND THE DIRTY BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs. “Funky Worm,” The Ohio Players, 1973
After dancing around Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots’ “Disco Duck,” jumping Kermit the Frog’s “The Rainbow Connection,” and toying with Red Sovine’s “Teddy Bear,” Ernie’s ode to his tubby tubmate goes up against the Players’ tune about an invertebrate who really gets down, which spooked Jim Stafford’s “Spiders and Snakes,” evaded Jack Blanchard and Misty Morgan’s “Tennessee Birdwalk,” and tamed Warren Zevon’s “Werewolves of London.”
Final Score: Duckie 45, Worm 24. Despite the Worm team’s unrelenting ground game, they were stymied by the waterfowl, who proved elusive elusive and slippery despite the game being played in dry conditions. The majority of the Ohio players left the stadium by bus, but their biggest star decided to take a more underground route home.
THE RAT PACK MEETS SOME OTHER RODENTS BOWL
“The Candy Man,” Sammy Davis Jr., 1972
vs. “Muskrat Love,” The Captain and Tennille, 1976
After sending home Clint Holmes’ “Playground in My Mind,” kissing off Brotherhood of Man’s “Save Your Kisses for Me,” and dismissing Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out,” Davis’ film-derived confection matches up with The Captain and Tennille’s bit of rodent romance, which ran over Loudon Wainwright’s “Dead Skunk,” burned Michael Murphey’s “Wildfire,” and devoured Dickie Goodman’s “Mr. Jaws.”
Final Score: Muskrat 24, Candy 14. Like the Junk Food Junkies before them, Davis’s sweetness addicts learned that a high-fat, high-sugar diet was not conducive to a prolonged run of athletics success, as they crashed out to the boundlessly energetic Muskrats. There is now growing chatter that they could go all the way...to the title.
THE NAKED HUNGER BOWL
“The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974
vs. “Rubber Biscuit,” The Blues Brothers, 1979
After exploiting John and Ernest’s “Superfly Meets Shaft,” blowing up Bazuka’s “Dynomite,” and tripping up Cheech and Chong’s “Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces,” Stevens’ depiction of exhibitionism meets The Blues Brothers’ menu of unappetizing edibles, which dethroned Steve Martin and the Toot Uncommons’ “King Tut,” dropped Harry Nilsson’s “Coconut,” and befuddled Bobby Russell’s “Saturday Morning Confusion.”
Final Score: Streak 41, Biscuit 10. Once again, the Stevens team took advantage of the freedom of movement provided by their minimalist uniforms to put on a jaw-dropping performance. The Blues men didn’t help themselves by fumbling several times and being powerless to recover the ball, as if it were some sort of bouncy baked good. The loss made their postgame meal of “wish sandwiches” even more depressing than usual.
THE WHO DO YOU TAKE ON AFTER YOU’VE KICKED EVERYONE ON EARTH’S ASS BOWL
“Kung Fu Fighting,” Carl Douglas, 1974
vs. “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft,” Carpenters, 1977
After chopping down Curtis Mayfield’s “Kung Fu,” sailing by The Village People’s “In the Navy,” and trimming Benny Bell’s “Shaving Cream,” Douglas’ martial-arts mover takes on the Carpenters’ shout-out to extra-terrestrial explorers, which took down Styx’ “Come Sail Away,” sent away David Bowie’s “Space Oddity,” and arrested Cledus Maggard and the Citizens’ Band’s “The White Knight.”
Final Score: Occupants 31, Fighting 28 (OT). A fierce battle between some of Earth’s most skilled fighters and the more advanced minds of their extraterrestrial opponents. At the end of regulation time, the Kung Fu clan had a field goal attempt to win the game, but for the first time anyone could remember, they missed a kick. From there, the Occupants closed their eyes and concentrated, and that allowed them to methodically drive themselves down the field to victory.
THE I WANNA COPY BOWL
“The Cover of the Rolling Stone,” Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show, 1973
vs. “The King is Gone,” Ronnie McDowell, 1977
After exhausting Grand Funk Railroad’s “We’re an American Band,” hanging up Jerry Corbett and Sugarloaf’s “Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You,” and wearing out Harry Chapin’s “WOLD,” Dr. Hook’s push for press faces McDowell’s Elvis eulogy, which buried The Righteous Brothers’ “Rock and Roll Heaven,” crashed Rick Nelson’s “Garden Party,” and reigned over Reunion’s “Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me).”
Final Score: King 30, Cover 17. The Medicine men came out ready for battle in their trademark embroidered jeans, and they did their best to run the plays designed by their offensive guru, but in the end, they were both outshined by both their opponents’ sequin-bedecked units and their mastery of one of the most successful song...er, playbooks ever. Though upset by the loss, Dr. Hook and his team gamely posed for a team picture after the game. However , at this time it is unknown how, when, and if this photo will be published.
THE QUEEN SANG ALONG WITH THE JESTER BOWL
“American Pie,” Don McLean, 1972
vs. “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen, 1975
After turning off The Buggles’ “Video Killed the Radio Star,” shooting down Pete Wingfield’s “Eighteen with a Bullet,” and checking out the Eagles’ “Hotel California,” McLean’s abstract rock history goes up against Queen’s operatic opus, which ended John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John’s “Summer Nights,” sunk Paul and Linda McCartney’s “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey,” and out-conditioned Larry Groce’s “Junk Food Junkie.”
Final Score: Bohemian 22, American 19 (2OT) An epic struggle between two heavyweight contenders. As expected, this contest took longer than normal to end, but finally the Queen team won on a field goal by a player who could kick like a demon. This kicker hadn’t been used before, and hadn’t even been seen on the Queen sideline. Some speculated that he had been put aside just for Don, for Don, for Dooooonnnnn! The only silver lining the Pie boys could take from the loss was that the game ended just in time for them to catch the last train for the coast.
THE PRODUCTS OF DIFFERENT INDUSTRIAL COMPLEXES BOWL
“The Battle Hymn of Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree,” Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973
After torpedoing Gordon Lightfoot’s “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,” conquering ABBA’s “Fernando,” and wrestling down Jerry Reed’s “Amos Moses, “ Nelson and Co.’s defense of a controversial soldier matches up with Orlando and associates tale of an anxious returning inmate, which locked down Alice Cooper’s “How You Gonna See Me Now,” put to bed Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle,” and stepped over The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band’s “Mr. Bojangles.”
Final Score: Calley 35, Ribbon 14. Army strength conquered prison hardening in this matchup. Again, C Company showed that they would do anything it took to win, no matter what anyone thought of them, which gave them an edge over Dawn, who were very concerned about the perception of others. Fortunately, it had been reported that they received visible proof of their fans’ continued devotion when their team buss arrived in their home town.
THE UNAPPRECIATED AND MISUNDERSTOOD WOMEN BOWL
“Swamp Witch,” Jim Stafford, 1973
vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
After gaming the Alan Parsons Project’s “(The System of) Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether,” outduelling The Charlie Daniels Band’s “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” and raining on Donna Summer’s “MacArthur Park,” Stafford’s tale of white magic takes on Dean’s list of debts to his mother, which cashed in on Melba Montgomery’s “No Charge,” shut the gate on David Geddes’ “The Last Game of The Season (A Blind Man in the Bleachers),” and shredded Clarence Carter’s “Patches.”
Final Score: I.O.U. 45, Witch 17. The magic ran out for Stafford, whose team wasn’t able to overpower a team motivated by the woman who literally gave them life. The Swampies returned to the Black Bayou, and have not been heard from since. Attempts to track them down to their home base have been yielded nothing but abandoned sites and cryptic notes.
So we’re left with a Sweet 16 of strangeness. But before we see the next round of titanic clashes, we have to go back to Britain. See you there soon.
THE GIVE THE U.S. SOME SUGAR AWARD
“What the World Needs Now is Love/Abraham Martin and John,” Tom Clay, 1971
vs. “The Americans,” Byron MacGregor, 1974
After getting past Les Crane’s “Desiderata,” befuddling the Temptations’ “Ball of Confusion,” and marching over Coven’s “One Tin Soldier,” Clay’s plea for peace takes on MacGregor’s defence of a nation not his own, which got here by beating Gordon Sinclair’s “The Americans” at their own game, flying by Wings’ “Give Ireland Back to the Irish,” and holding down Helen Reddy’s “I Am Woman.”
Final Score: Americans 38, World 14. MacGregor’s team answered Clay’s youthful idealism by hitting hard and telling their opponents how they should appreciate the greatness of those hits. Love turned out not to be all Abraham, Martin and John needed.
THE WHOLE LOT OF WIND BOWL
“Convention ‘72,” The Delegates, 1972
vs. “Hurricane,” Bob Dylan, 1975
After draining Dickie Goodman’s “Energy Crisis ‘74,” out-campaigning Alice Cooper’s “Elected,” and ending the journey of Charlie Daniels’ “Uneasy Rider,” The Delegates’ satirical look at American politics faces Dylan’s tale of an unjustly convicted boxer, who knocked off his own “George Jackson,” drove out Joni Mitchell’s” Big Yellow Taxi,” and survived against Rod Stewart’s “The Killing of Georgie.”
Final Score: Convention 34, Hurricane 21. Dylan’s team had a lot of fight, but their opponents used their power and influence to convince the officials to make some questionable calls in their favour. The Hurricane squad say they are determined to overturn this injustice, even if it takes more than a decade. However, this tournament will be long over by then.
THE UNPLEASANT IMAGES ARE BROUGHT TO MIND BOWL
“Dueling Banjos,” Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandell, 1973
vs. “Tubular Bells,” Mike Oldfield, 1974
After plucking Henhouse Five Plus Two’s “In the Mood,” putting the heat on The Who’s “Summertime Blues,” and short circuiting Deodato’s “Also Sprach Zarathustra,” Weissberg and Mandell’s country pickfest meets Oldfield’s haunting accompaniment to demonic possession, who hobbled Frank Mills’ “Music Box Dancer,” crushed Peter Frampton’s “Do You Feel Like We Do,” and melted Hot Butter’s “Popcorn.”
Final Score: Bells 13, Banjos 10 (OT). The goal of both teams seemed to be to intimidate their opponents into surrender: the Bells with straight-up scare tactics, the Banjos with a more deceptive approach. The game went into overtime, and Oldfield’s team got into position for a winning field goal. The kick was low, and one of the Duellists got his body in front of it, but the ball went through his body, killing him instantly, and as if imbued with some otherworldly power, it maintained enough momentum to rise and travel through the goalposts for the winning points. After the game, fans wondered if anyone could deliver us from the consequences of a Tubular triumph.
THE TEENAGE DIPLOMAT GETS DRAFTED BOWL
“Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy,” Bette Midler, 1973
vs. “Blinded by the Light,” Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, 1977
After outperforming Marvin Hamlisch’s “The Entertainer,” chugging past Tuxedo Junction’s “Chattanooga Choo Choo,” and boogieing by Disco Tex and his Sex-O-Lettes’ “Get Dancin’,” Midler’s take on a cool military musician matches up with the Earth Band’s serving of Springsteenian word salad, which raced past Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen’s “Hot Rod Lincoln,”
freaked out Herman Brood and His Wild Romance’s “Saturday Night,” and withheld victory from the Pipkins’ “Gimme Dat Ding.”
Final Score: Light 27, Bugle 20. The excitement began during the pre-game introductions, as Midler’s men were led out by their exuberant horn-led team band, followed by Mann’s men coming out to the sound of their madmen drummers. The Boogie Woogie boys jumped out to a lead, but as the game went on, many of their players seemed to become ill. It started with some very unpleasant sneezing and wheezing, and escalated to the point were by the end of the third quarter, half the team was in the dumps with the mumps. The game was still close near the end, but after an Earth Band member delivered an unexpected hit to Midler’s quarterback’s funny bone, the war was over.
THE DEATH IN THE AIR AND BELOW THE GROUND BOWL
“D.O.A.,” Bloodrock, 1971
vs. “Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
After outlasting Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper,” outgunning Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Saturday Night Special,” and blowing past Paper Lace’s “The Night Chicago Died,” D.O.A.’s graphic depiction of a plane crash victim’s final moments goes up against The Buoys’ story of miners who go to extremes to survive, which shot down Curtis Mayfield’s “Freddie’s Dead,” sped by David Geddes’ “Run Joey Run,” and ended the championship delusions of Helen Reddy’s “Angie Baby.”
Final Score: Timothy 24, D.O.A. 23. Two punishing attacks went at each other fiercely. The Bloodrock gang were brutally effective but hard to watch, while the Buoys were more subtle but no less ruthless. It was a war of attrition, but in the end, Bloodrock expired, while the Buoys found that little bit extra they needed to come out alive.
THE ANSWER ISN’T BLOWING IN THE WIND AFTER ALL BOWL
“The Lord’s Prayer,” Sister Janet Mead, 1974
vs. “Gotta Serve Somebody,” Bob Dylan, 1979
After flooding Boney M’s “Rivers of Babylon,” dazzling The Royal Scots’ Dragoon Guards “Amazing Grace,” and emerging victorious from their encounter with Murray Head’s “Superstar,” Mead’s poppy interpretation of the famed Christian plea takes on Dylan’s warning to everyone in the whole world of their inevitable choice, which brought Norman Greenbaum’s “Spirit in the Sky” back to Earth, ran out the clock on Marilyn Sellars’ “One Day at a Time,” and damned Curtis Mayfield’s “(Don’t Worry) If There’s Hell Below, We’re All Going to Go.”
Final Score: Prayer 30, Serve 16. In the end, Sister Mead and her charges were more focused and decisive, whereas the nature of Dylan’s side, made up of disparate players from different walks of life and torn between two extremes, finally caught up with them.
THE BASEBALL AND TELECOMMUNICATIONS ARE MORE FUN THAN THEY SEEM BOWL
“Telephone Man,” Meri Wilson, 1977
vs. “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” Meat Loaf, 1978
After squashing The Who’s “Squeeze Box,” rejecting The Bellamy Brothers’ “If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body Would You Hold it Against Me,” and overturning Eric Burdon and War’s “Spill the Wine,” Wilson’s story of getting something put in for her meets Meat’s look at America’s other favourite pastime, which shut the door on Paul Nicholas’ “Heaven on the 7th Floor,” clawed past Ted Nugent’s “Cat Scratch Fever,” and left behind The Jimmy Castor Bunch’s “The Bertha Butt Boogie.”
Final Score: Dashboard 33, Telephone 20. Meat Loaf’s herd came in knowing they had to do anything they could to score, while the Wilson team had the attitude that all they had to do was want it and they could go anywhere they wanted. The result was that the revved-up Paradise team got their reward. The Telephone company didn’t seem too upset about the loss, as although they remained locked in their dressing room for hours after the game, they sounded like they were quite happily getting on with their lives.
THE IT’S MY LIFE, IT’S MY WIFE BOWL
“King Heroin,” James Brown, 1972
vs. “Walk on the Wild Side,” Lou Reed, 1973
After figuring out Think’s “Once You Understand,” smoking Jim Stafford’s “Wildwood Weed,” and schooling Cheech and Chong’s “Earache My Eye Featuring Alice Bowie,” Brown’s ominous message from an opiate faces Reed’s portrait of New York scenesters, which overpowered The Village People’s “Macho Man,” exposed Tony Orlando and Dawn’s “Say, Has Anybody Seen My Sweet Gypsy Rose,” and resisted LaBelle’s “Lady Marmalade.”
Final Score: Heroin 53, Walk 3. Brown’s team continued their reign of terror, destroying all of the hopes and dreams of their idealistic opponents. Reed’s whole team was transformed into shadows of their former selves. Holly looked a mess, Candy lost her head, Little Joe had given everything away, The Sugar Plum Fairy had lost her appetite, and Jackie had crashed for good.
THE CLEAN AND THE DIRTY BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs. “Funky Worm,” The Ohio Players, 1973
After dancing around Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots’ “Disco Duck,” jumping Kermit the Frog’s “The Rainbow Connection,” and toying with Red Sovine’s “Teddy Bear,” Ernie’s ode to his tubby tubmate goes up against the Players’ tune about an invertebrate who really gets down, which spooked Jim Stafford’s “Spiders and Snakes,” evaded Jack Blanchard and Misty Morgan’s “Tennessee Birdwalk,” and tamed Warren Zevon’s “Werewolves of London.”
Final Score: Duckie 45, Worm 24. Despite the Worm team’s unrelenting ground game, they were stymied by the waterfowl, who proved elusive elusive and slippery despite the game being played in dry conditions. The majority of the Ohio players left the stadium by bus, but their biggest star decided to take a more underground route home.
THE RAT PACK MEETS SOME OTHER RODENTS BOWL
“The Candy Man,” Sammy Davis Jr., 1972
vs. “Muskrat Love,” The Captain and Tennille, 1976
After sending home Clint Holmes’ “Playground in My Mind,” kissing off Brotherhood of Man’s “Save Your Kisses for Me,” and dismissing Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out,” Davis’ film-derived confection matches up with The Captain and Tennille’s bit of rodent romance, which ran over Loudon Wainwright’s “Dead Skunk,” burned Michael Murphey’s “Wildfire,” and devoured Dickie Goodman’s “Mr. Jaws.”
Final Score: Muskrat 24, Candy 14. Like the Junk Food Junkies before them, Davis’s sweetness addicts learned that a high-fat, high-sugar diet was not conducive to a prolonged run of athletics success, as they crashed out to the boundlessly energetic Muskrats. There is now growing chatter that they could go all the way...to the title.
THE NAKED HUNGER BOWL
“The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974
vs. “Rubber Biscuit,” The Blues Brothers, 1979
After exploiting John and Ernest’s “Superfly Meets Shaft,” blowing up Bazuka’s “Dynomite,” and tripping up Cheech and Chong’s “Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces,” Stevens’ depiction of exhibitionism meets The Blues Brothers’ menu of unappetizing edibles, which dethroned Steve Martin and the Toot Uncommons’ “King Tut,” dropped Harry Nilsson’s “Coconut,” and befuddled Bobby Russell’s “Saturday Morning Confusion.”
Final Score: Streak 41, Biscuit 10. Once again, the Stevens team took advantage of the freedom of movement provided by their minimalist uniforms to put on a jaw-dropping performance. The Blues men didn’t help themselves by fumbling several times and being powerless to recover the ball, as if it were some sort of bouncy baked good. The loss made their postgame meal of “wish sandwiches” even more depressing than usual.
THE WHO DO YOU TAKE ON AFTER YOU’VE KICKED EVERYONE ON EARTH’S ASS BOWL
“Kung Fu Fighting,” Carl Douglas, 1974
vs. “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft,” Carpenters, 1977
After chopping down Curtis Mayfield’s “Kung Fu,” sailing by The Village People’s “In the Navy,” and trimming Benny Bell’s “Shaving Cream,” Douglas’ martial-arts mover takes on the Carpenters’ shout-out to extra-terrestrial explorers, which took down Styx’ “Come Sail Away,” sent away David Bowie’s “Space Oddity,” and arrested Cledus Maggard and the Citizens’ Band’s “The White Knight.”
Final Score: Occupants 31, Fighting 28 (OT). A fierce battle between some of Earth’s most skilled fighters and the more advanced minds of their extraterrestrial opponents. At the end of regulation time, the Kung Fu clan had a field goal attempt to win the game, but for the first time anyone could remember, they missed a kick. From there, the Occupants closed their eyes and concentrated, and that allowed them to methodically drive themselves down the field to victory.
THE I WANNA COPY BOWL
“The Cover of the Rolling Stone,” Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show, 1973
vs. “The King is Gone,” Ronnie McDowell, 1977
After exhausting Grand Funk Railroad’s “We’re an American Band,” hanging up Jerry Corbett and Sugarloaf’s “Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You,” and wearing out Harry Chapin’s “WOLD,” Dr. Hook’s push for press faces McDowell’s Elvis eulogy, which buried The Righteous Brothers’ “Rock and Roll Heaven,” crashed Rick Nelson’s “Garden Party,” and reigned over Reunion’s “Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me).”
Final Score: King 30, Cover 17. The Medicine men came out ready for battle in their trademark embroidered jeans, and they did their best to run the plays designed by their offensive guru, but in the end, they were both outshined by both their opponents’ sequin-bedecked units and their mastery of one of the most successful song...er, playbooks ever. Though upset by the loss, Dr. Hook and his team gamely posed for a team picture after the game. However , at this time it is unknown how, when, and if this photo will be published.
THE QUEEN SANG ALONG WITH THE JESTER BOWL
“American Pie,” Don McLean, 1972
vs. “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen, 1975
After turning off The Buggles’ “Video Killed the Radio Star,” shooting down Pete Wingfield’s “Eighteen with a Bullet,” and checking out the Eagles’ “Hotel California,” McLean’s abstract rock history goes up against Queen’s operatic opus, which ended John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John’s “Summer Nights,” sunk Paul and Linda McCartney’s “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey,” and out-conditioned Larry Groce’s “Junk Food Junkie.”
Final Score: Bohemian 22, American 19 (2OT) An epic struggle between two heavyweight contenders. As expected, this contest took longer than normal to end, but finally the Queen team won on a field goal by a player who could kick like a demon. This kicker hadn’t been used before, and hadn’t even been seen on the Queen sideline. Some speculated that he had been put aside just for Don, for Don, for Dooooonnnnn! The only silver lining the Pie boys could take from the loss was that the game ended just in time for them to catch the last train for the coast.
THE PRODUCTS OF DIFFERENT INDUSTRIAL COMPLEXES BOWL
“The Battle Hymn of Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree,” Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973
After torpedoing Gordon Lightfoot’s “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,” conquering ABBA’s “Fernando,” and wrestling down Jerry Reed’s “Amos Moses, “ Nelson and Co.’s defense of a controversial soldier matches up with Orlando and associates tale of an anxious returning inmate, which locked down Alice Cooper’s “How You Gonna See Me Now,” put to bed Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle,” and stepped over The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band’s “Mr. Bojangles.”
Final Score: Calley 35, Ribbon 14. Army strength conquered prison hardening in this matchup. Again, C Company showed that they would do anything it took to win, no matter what anyone thought of them, which gave them an edge over Dawn, who were very concerned about the perception of others. Fortunately, it had been reported that they received visible proof of their fans’ continued devotion when their team buss arrived in their home town.
THE UNAPPRECIATED AND MISUNDERSTOOD WOMEN BOWL
“Swamp Witch,” Jim Stafford, 1973
vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
After gaming the Alan Parsons Project’s “(The System of) Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether,” outduelling The Charlie Daniels Band’s “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” and raining on Donna Summer’s “MacArthur Park,” Stafford’s tale of white magic takes on Dean’s list of debts to his mother, which cashed in on Melba Montgomery’s “No Charge,” shut the gate on David Geddes’ “The Last Game of The Season (A Blind Man in the Bleachers),” and shredded Clarence Carter’s “Patches.”
Final Score: I.O.U. 45, Witch 17. The magic ran out for Stafford, whose team wasn’t able to overpower a team motivated by the woman who literally gave them life. The Swampies returned to the Black Bayou, and have not been heard from since. Attempts to track them down to their home base have been yielded nothing but abandoned sites and cryptic notes.
So we’re left with a Sweet 16 of strangeness. But before we see the next round of titanic clashes, we have to go back to Britain. See you there soon.
Tuesday, April 9, 2019
AOMA: UKT40 April 2, 1988 Part Two
Finalizing.
20 - “Joe le Taxi,” Vanessa Paradis
Paris singer/model Paradis was just fifteen when she had a surprising international hit with this French-sung jazz-pop number about a cool cab driver who knows where all the happening spots are. Her little girl voice grates a bit, but the song still draws you in. She’d have a long career in music and film after this, but she may be most famous for being in a fourteen-year relaowith Johnny Depp and having two children with him.
19 - “Reckless,” Afrika Bambaataa with UB40
Born Lance Taylor in the Bronx, Bambaataa was one of the pioneers of hip-hop, and his “Planet Rock” is one of the genre’s foundational records. His biggest pop success came when he teamed with the British reggae outfit on this dance track. It’s a combination that doesn’t quite jell for me, but I’m still glad it happened, if that makes any sense.
18 - “Ship of Fools,” Erasure
The duo’s fourth Top Ten is midtempo synthpop about naïveté and cruelty. It’s effortlessly fine pop. Vince Clarke had finally found a partnership that would last.
17 - “Temptation,” Wet Wet Wet
The fourth hit for the waterlogged Scots was this soul ballad marred by a tortured metaphor about “bullets of deception” and a shoehorned reference to “all the tulips in Amsterdam.” It’s more proof of how it’s hard to write a great song by trying too hard to write a great song.
16 - “I Get Weak,” Belinda Carlisle
The ex-Go-Go’s second Top Ten was this rock ballad that Diane Warren wrote with Stevie Nicks in mind. Learning that made me draw comparisons between the two I never had before. I feel like Stevie would have made this more interesting, but Belinda makes it a more listenable pop song. Anyway, it’s better that anything with Diane Warren’s name attached to it has a right to be.
15 - “Crash,” The Primitives
The first hit for this Coventry band is a jangly, breakneck earworm of a pop song. It’s like taking a lap at Indianapolis without having to risk your life. It reminds you that styles, instruments, and tastes may change, but the perfect 2-3 minute pop song can never be denied.
14 - “Where Do Broken Hearts Go,” Whitney Houston
The last of Whitney’s seven straight U.S. charttoppers only got this high here. Apparently, the answer to the title question isn’t Britain.
13 - “Only in My Dreams,” Debbie Gibson
Her debut came up one place here short of a Triple Top Ten. But it is a shoo-in for the Top Ten All-Time Pop Hits by Teenage Girls. She was placed in the same class as Tiffany due to age and timing, but she was clearly aiming for the Madonna league, and this promised a worthy campaign.
12 - “Bass (How Low Can You Go),” Simon Harris
This London DJ followed M/A/R/R/S in the trend of British dance acts building songs out of lines from songs by emerging hip-hop acts. In this case, most of the words you hear come from Chuck D on Public Enemy’s “Bring the Noise.” This obviously isn’t as good as the source material, and doesn’t go as far out as “Pump Up the Volume” did, but still, it’s a decent entry in its short-lived niche.
11 - “Love Changes (Everything),” Climie Fisher
The first and biggest hit by Londoners Simon and Rob was this white-soul trifle. It changed absolutely nothing.
10 - “I’m Not Scared,” Eighth Wonder
From the start, I thought this only Top Ten by the London pop group was better than I was expecting. So I look it up, and it was written and co-produced by the Pet Shop Boys. Suddenly, the evocative lyrics and confrontational attitude made sense. I like it when I find gold where I think I’ll find tin.
9 - “Never/These Dreams,” Heart
The Top Five success of “Alone” prompted a reissue of these two tracks from 1985: a rocker about the durability of a relationship, and the satin-draped, Nancy Wilson-sing ballad about nighttime fantasies. The former is okay as Corporate Heart goes. The latter blinds me with its gloss and its failure to approach the Stevie Nicksishness it aims for. But neither are “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You,” so there’s that.
8 - “I Should Be So Lucky,” Kylie Minogue
Kylie’ British debut got all the way to #1 here and kicked off her successful quest to become more than that cute girl from that Aussie soap. S/A/W give her one of their better creations, and she uses that good fortune to make a fine first impression.
7 - “Heart,” Pet Shop Boys
The Boys snagged their fourth #1 with a song they had written with Madonna in mind, but ultimately decided to keep for themselves. It’s a more straightforward pop song than they typically do, but they bring the same foreboding atmosphere, so there’s more going on here than just a love song. I don’t know if they’ll ever make the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but they belong there, without question.
6 - “Cross My Broken Heart,” Sinitta
More S/A/W, this time in the form of the third Top Ten for this Seattle-born Londoner. Thin song, thin production, thin performance. It barely exists.
5 - “Stay on These Roads,” A-ha
The Norwegians’ sixth Top Five was this power ballad with lyrics whose meaning I can’t quite interpret. I think it’s about telling someone not to give up on you even when you’re wandering away from them at the moment. It leaves me lost.
4 - “Could’ve Been,” Tiffany
Like Rick Astley, Ms. Darwish was denied back-to-back Triple Crowns by the Brits. As I’ve said before, it’s a song that probably could be good if sung by someone with more emotional vocal health.
3 - “Can I Play with Madness,” Iron Maiden
After only reaching the Top Ten once in their first eight years, the metal vets began a run of seven in a row with this tune about a young man arguing with a soothsayer about what the boy’s visions mean. It’s good, but only a 3 on the Headbangometer. And I’m still a bit disappointed that this isn’t about Bruce Dickinson asking his band mates if he can leave them for a while to join a 2-Tone ska band.
2 - “Drop the Boy,” Bros
The Goss twins’ second #2 was this dance-rocker about wanting to transition from child to adult. Apparently this means saying goodbye to the zoo and orthodontia, while embracing Ferraris and hair gel. And “jumping for joy.” This is just odd and off on multiple levels. I almost admire it for somehow succeeding this much. Almost.
And your 31-year-old #1 is...
1 - “Don’t Turn Around,” Aswad
These British reggae vets finally emerged from UB40’s shadow with this version of a Tina Turner B-side co-written by our friend Diane Warren. I’m glad for their success, but I think Ace of Base did better with it. Probably because reggae and Diane Warren aren’t exactly a natural mix.
There it goes. Next we’ll keep the tournament going as the action heats up. See you soon.
20 - “Joe le Taxi,” Vanessa Paradis
Paris singer/model Paradis was just fifteen when she had a surprising international hit with this French-sung jazz-pop number about a cool cab driver who knows where all the happening spots are. Her little girl voice grates a bit, but the song still draws you in. She’d have a long career in music and film after this, but she may be most famous for being in a fourteen-year relaowith Johnny Depp and having two children with him.
19 - “Reckless,” Afrika Bambaataa with UB40
Born Lance Taylor in the Bronx, Bambaataa was one of the pioneers of hip-hop, and his “Planet Rock” is one of the genre’s foundational records. His biggest pop success came when he teamed with the British reggae outfit on this dance track. It’s a combination that doesn’t quite jell for me, but I’m still glad it happened, if that makes any sense.
18 - “Ship of Fools,” Erasure
The duo’s fourth Top Ten is midtempo synthpop about naïveté and cruelty. It’s effortlessly fine pop. Vince Clarke had finally found a partnership that would last.
17 - “Temptation,” Wet Wet Wet
The fourth hit for the waterlogged Scots was this soul ballad marred by a tortured metaphor about “bullets of deception” and a shoehorned reference to “all the tulips in Amsterdam.” It’s more proof of how it’s hard to write a great song by trying too hard to write a great song.
16 - “I Get Weak,” Belinda Carlisle
The ex-Go-Go’s second Top Ten was this rock ballad that Diane Warren wrote with Stevie Nicks in mind. Learning that made me draw comparisons between the two I never had before. I feel like Stevie would have made this more interesting, but Belinda makes it a more listenable pop song. Anyway, it’s better that anything with Diane Warren’s name attached to it has a right to be.
15 - “Crash,” The Primitives
The first hit for this Coventry band is a jangly, breakneck earworm of a pop song. It’s like taking a lap at Indianapolis without having to risk your life. It reminds you that styles, instruments, and tastes may change, but the perfect 2-3 minute pop song can never be denied.
14 - “Where Do Broken Hearts Go,” Whitney Houston
The last of Whitney’s seven straight U.S. charttoppers only got this high here. Apparently, the answer to the title question isn’t Britain.
13 - “Only in My Dreams,” Debbie Gibson
Her debut came up one place here short of a Triple Top Ten. But it is a shoo-in for the Top Ten All-Time Pop Hits by Teenage Girls. She was placed in the same class as Tiffany due to age and timing, but she was clearly aiming for the Madonna league, and this promised a worthy campaign.
12 - “Bass (How Low Can You Go),” Simon Harris
This London DJ followed M/A/R/R/S in the trend of British dance acts building songs out of lines from songs by emerging hip-hop acts. In this case, most of the words you hear come from Chuck D on Public Enemy’s “Bring the Noise.” This obviously isn’t as good as the source material, and doesn’t go as far out as “Pump Up the Volume” did, but still, it’s a decent entry in its short-lived niche.
11 - “Love Changes (Everything),” Climie Fisher
The first and biggest hit by Londoners Simon and Rob was this white-soul trifle. It changed absolutely nothing.
10 - “I’m Not Scared,” Eighth Wonder
From the start, I thought this only Top Ten by the London pop group was better than I was expecting. So I look it up, and it was written and co-produced by the Pet Shop Boys. Suddenly, the evocative lyrics and confrontational attitude made sense. I like it when I find gold where I think I’ll find tin.
9 - “Never/These Dreams,” Heart
The Top Five success of “Alone” prompted a reissue of these two tracks from 1985: a rocker about the durability of a relationship, and the satin-draped, Nancy Wilson-sing ballad about nighttime fantasies. The former is okay as Corporate Heart goes. The latter blinds me with its gloss and its failure to approach the Stevie Nicksishness it aims for. But neither are “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You,” so there’s that.
8 - “I Should Be So Lucky,” Kylie Minogue
Kylie’ British debut got all the way to #1 here and kicked off her successful quest to become more than that cute girl from that Aussie soap. S/A/W give her one of their better creations, and she uses that good fortune to make a fine first impression.
7 - “Heart,” Pet Shop Boys
The Boys snagged their fourth #1 with a song they had written with Madonna in mind, but ultimately decided to keep for themselves. It’s a more straightforward pop song than they typically do, but they bring the same foreboding atmosphere, so there’s more going on here than just a love song. I don’t know if they’ll ever make the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but they belong there, without question.
6 - “Cross My Broken Heart,” Sinitta
More S/A/W, this time in the form of the third Top Ten for this Seattle-born Londoner. Thin song, thin production, thin performance. It barely exists.
5 - “Stay on These Roads,” A-ha
The Norwegians’ sixth Top Five was this power ballad with lyrics whose meaning I can’t quite interpret. I think it’s about telling someone not to give up on you even when you’re wandering away from them at the moment. It leaves me lost.
4 - “Could’ve Been,” Tiffany
Like Rick Astley, Ms. Darwish was denied back-to-back Triple Crowns by the Brits. As I’ve said before, it’s a song that probably could be good if sung by someone with more emotional vocal health.
3 - “Can I Play with Madness,” Iron Maiden
After only reaching the Top Ten once in their first eight years, the metal vets began a run of seven in a row with this tune about a young man arguing with a soothsayer about what the boy’s visions mean. It’s good, but only a 3 on the Headbangometer. And I’m still a bit disappointed that this isn’t about Bruce Dickinson asking his band mates if he can leave them for a while to join a 2-Tone ska band.
2 - “Drop the Boy,” Bros
The Goss twins’ second #2 was this dance-rocker about wanting to transition from child to adult. Apparently this means saying goodbye to the zoo and orthodontia, while embracing Ferraris and hair gel. And “jumping for joy.” This is just odd and off on multiple levels. I almost admire it for somehow succeeding this much. Almost.
And your 31-year-old #1 is...
1 - “Don’t Turn Around,” Aswad
These British reggae vets finally emerged from UB40’s shadow with this version of a Tina Turner B-side co-written by our friend Diane Warren. I’m glad for their success, but I think Ace of Base did better with it. Probably because reggae and Diane Warren aren’t exactly a natural mix.
There it goes. Next we’ll keep the tournament going as the action heats up. See you soon.
Wednesday, April 3, 2019
AOMA: UKT40 April 2, 1988 Part One
April 1988. Scotsman Sandy Lyle becomes the first Briton to win golf’s Masters tournament and wear the iconic green jacket. Meanwhile, in the British Open of Pop, this is what the leaderboard looked like:
40 - “Piano in the Dark,” Brenda Russell
The biggest hit for the Brooklyn-born, Hamilton-raises singer was this ballad about an enchanting keyboardist. Solid adult pop. #6 in the States, but #23 both here and in Canada. I wonder if that’s something that might intrigue Jim Carrey.
39 - “Beat Dis,” Bomb the Bass
London producer Tim Simenon rode the wave of sample-based house sparked by M/A/R/R/S with this relentlessly entertaining dance track. At the very least, it’s the equal of “Pump Up the Volume.” But to me, the best thing Simenon ever did would happen next year when he helped Neneh Cherry “rock this place” on “Buffalo Stance.”
38 - “Just Like Paradise,” David Lee Roth
Diamond Dave’s biggest solo single here was this production-line bit of party rock. It sounds more like purgatory to me.
37 - “Who’s Leaving Who,” Hazell Dean
Four years after her first Top Five, Essex dance diva Dean got her second by hooking up with S/A/W on this version of an ambiguous breakup song originally recorded by Anne Murray, of all people. It’s above average among the team’s productions, and Dean does her part. You still wonder how much better Kylie would have done with it, though.
36 - “Sex Talk (Live),” T’Pau
The Vulcanized Shropshireans had their fourth hit with this live version of their ode to dirty phone calls. It’s harder rock than their bigger hits, and Carol Decker does her best to convey lusty abandon. But it doesn’t quite do it for me.
35 - “I Fought the Law,” The Clash
A reissue of the band’s 1979 cover of the Bobby Fuller Four hit about a criminal forced to pay for his crimes. Their explosive energy squeezed into a familiar pop package makes it one of the great covers of all time. We all won.
34 - “Pink Cadillac,” Natalie Cole
Nat King’s princess’ Triple Top Five cover of a Springsteen B-side. I like it better than I did 30 years ago. She isn’t just along for the ride, she does take the wheel.
33 - “That’s the Way I Wanna Rock and Roll,” AC/DC
The fifteenth hit for the Aussie electric company was this big loud song about rockin’ and drivin’ and lustin’. That’s the way we want out AC/DC, and they usually comply. 4 on the Headbangometer.
32 - “Doctorin’ the House,” Coldcut featuring Yazz and the Plastic Population
The first and biggest hit for London DJs Matt Black and Jonathan More is another sample-house track, featuring snippets from TV’s Howdy Doody and Dave and Ansil Collins’ “Double Barrel,” as well as vocals from Yasmin Evans. Again, this is the kind of club music that still has a foot in pop, and that’s probably why I prefer it.
31 - “Girlfriend,” Pebbles
The only U.K. hit for Californian Perri Reid was this New Jack Swing-y advice to a friend not to take back her dog of an ex. For some reason, late 80s R&B/pop is starting to appeal to me more. Fascinating.
30 - “I Know You Got Soul,” Eric B. and Rakim
The first hit by Long Island’s hip-hop standard bearers was boosted here when it provided the title sample for “Pump Up the Volume.” The beats mainly come from a 1971 song of the same name by James Brown collaborator Bobby Byrd, and Rakim’s rhymes are at their dexterous best. These guys pushed the genre forward, and they still sound fresh today.
29 - “Everywhere,” Fleetwood Mac
This bit of Christine McVie shiny blandness was the biggest hit here for the Mac’s Buckingham/Nicks configuration. How? Why? This is a big blot on your record, Britain.
28 - “Just a Mirage,” Jellybean featuring Adele Bertei
More Latin-tinged dance from New York producer John Benitez on his fourth hit here. Those thirsting for some really distinctive pop will find themselves deceived.
27 - “Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car,” Billy Ocean
Biily O.’s “Mutt” Lange-driven automotive come-on came up two spots on this chart short of a Triple Crown. On this listen, I feel,it should have got the honour. It’s all formula, but this version of it tastes delicious in spite of itself.
26 - “I Want Her,” Keith Sweat
The Harlem soulster’s debut hit was Top Five at home, but only got this high here. What I said above about the Pebbles track applies here as well.
25 - “Prove Your Love,” Taylor Dayne
Her second transatlantic Top Ten. No evolution on my opinion of her, though. Still shrill crap.
24 - “Dreaming,” Glen Goldsmith
The biggest hit for this man from High Wycombe was cookie-cutter bit of midtempo R&B balladry. Of course it rhymes “fire” with “desire.” I’d like to see what would happen if there was ever an enforceable edict that for one year, pop songwriters could end a line with “fire” or end one with “desire,” but they couldn’t do both in the same song. It might be fun hearing a marked increase in the appearance of words like “attire,” “sapphire,” and “quagmire” on mainstream radio.
23 - “Together Forever,” Rick Astley
By just one spot, Britain denied Ricky his second Triple Crown. Stingy. It could have been up on his mantle with the one for “Never Gonna Give You Up” until the end of time. In other words, they could have been...what’s that phrase?
22 - “Ain’t Complaining,” Status Quo
There are few charts I cover that don’t contain these guys or Cliff Richard. Here they’re telling a woman that they don’t care what she does as long as she comes back home to him, They sound a bit like early-80s ELO here. It’s not great, but it’s not worth bitching about either.
21 - “Love is Contagious,” Taja Sevelle
Minnesotan Nancy Richardson was a contemporary of Prince, and was an early signing to his Paisley Park label. Her only hit of note was this breezy, self-penned soul ballad about the viral properties of romance. Definitely worth catching.
In Part Two: a French cab and an unwise boat collide.
40 - “Piano in the Dark,” Brenda Russell
The biggest hit for the Brooklyn-born, Hamilton-raises singer was this ballad about an enchanting keyboardist. Solid adult pop. #6 in the States, but #23 both here and in Canada. I wonder if that’s something that might intrigue Jim Carrey.
39 - “Beat Dis,” Bomb the Bass
London producer Tim Simenon rode the wave of sample-based house sparked by M/A/R/R/S with this relentlessly entertaining dance track. At the very least, it’s the equal of “Pump Up the Volume.” But to me, the best thing Simenon ever did would happen next year when he helped Neneh Cherry “rock this place” on “Buffalo Stance.”
38 - “Just Like Paradise,” David Lee Roth
Diamond Dave’s biggest solo single here was this production-line bit of party rock. It sounds more like purgatory to me.
37 - “Who’s Leaving Who,” Hazell Dean
Four years after her first Top Five, Essex dance diva Dean got her second by hooking up with S/A/W on this version of an ambiguous breakup song originally recorded by Anne Murray, of all people. It’s above average among the team’s productions, and Dean does her part. You still wonder how much better Kylie would have done with it, though.
36 - “Sex Talk (Live),” T’Pau
The Vulcanized Shropshireans had their fourth hit with this live version of their ode to dirty phone calls. It’s harder rock than their bigger hits, and Carol Decker does her best to convey lusty abandon. But it doesn’t quite do it for me.
35 - “I Fought the Law,” The Clash
A reissue of the band’s 1979 cover of the Bobby Fuller Four hit about a criminal forced to pay for his crimes. Their explosive energy squeezed into a familiar pop package makes it one of the great covers of all time. We all won.
34 - “Pink Cadillac,” Natalie Cole
Nat King’s princess’ Triple Top Five cover of a Springsteen B-side. I like it better than I did 30 years ago. She isn’t just along for the ride, she does take the wheel.
33 - “That’s the Way I Wanna Rock and Roll,” AC/DC
The fifteenth hit for the Aussie electric company was this big loud song about rockin’ and drivin’ and lustin’. That’s the way we want out AC/DC, and they usually comply. 4 on the Headbangometer.
32 - “Doctorin’ the House,” Coldcut featuring Yazz and the Plastic Population
The first and biggest hit for London DJs Matt Black and Jonathan More is another sample-house track, featuring snippets from TV’s Howdy Doody and Dave and Ansil Collins’ “Double Barrel,” as well as vocals from Yasmin Evans. Again, this is the kind of club music that still has a foot in pop, and that’s probably why I prefer it.
31 - “Girlfriend,” Pebbles
The only U.K. hit for Californian Perri Reid was this New Jack Swing-y advice to a friend not to take back her dog of an ex. For some reason, late 80s R&B/pop is starting to appeal to me more. Fascinating.
30 - “I Know You Got Soul,” Eric B. and Rakim
The first hit by Long Island’s hip-hop standard bearers was boosted here when it provided the title sample for “Pump Up the Volume.” The beats mainly come from a 1971 song of the same name by James Brown collaborator Bobby Byrd, and Rakim’s rhymes are at their dexterous best. These guys pushed the genre forward, and they still sound fresh today.
29 - “Everywhere,” Fleetwood Mac
This bit of Christine McVie shiny blandness was the biggest hit here for the Mac’s Buckingham/Nicks configuration. How? Why? This is a big blot on your record, Britain.
28 - “Just a Mirage,” Jellybean featuring Adele Bertei
More Latin-tinged dance from New York producer John Benitez on his fourth hit here. Those thirsting for some really distinctive pop will find themselves deceived.
27 - “Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car,” Billy Ocean
Biily O.’s “Mutt” Lange-driven automotive come-on came up two spots on this chart short of a Triple Crown. On this listen, I feel,it should have got the honour. It’s all formula, but this version of it tastes delicious in spite of itself.
26 - “I Want Her,” Keith Sweat
The Harlem soulster’s debut hit was Top Five at home, but only got this high here. What I said above about the Pebbles track applies here as well.
25 - “Prove Your Love,” Taylor Dayne
Her second transatlantic Top Ten. No evolution on my opinion of her, though. Still shrill crap.
24 - “Dreaming,” Glen Goldsmith
The biggest hit for this man from High Wycombe was cookie-cutter bit of midtempo R&B balladry. Of course it rhymes “fire” with “desire.” I’d like to see what would happen if there was ever an enforceable edict that for one year, pop songwriters could end a line with “fire” or end one with “desire,” but they couldn’t do both in the same song. It might be fun hearing a marked increase in the appearance of words like “attire,” “sapphire,” and “quagmire” on mainstream radio.
23 - “Together Forever,” Rick Astley
By just one spot, Britain denied Ricky his second Triple Crown. Stingy. It could have been up on his mantle with the one for “Never Gonna Give You Up” until the end of time. In other words, they could have been...what’s that phrase?
22 - “Ain’t Complaining,” Status Quo
There are few charts I cover that don’t contain these guys or Cliff Richard. Here they’re telling a woman that they don’t care what she does as long as she comes back home to him, They sound a bit like early-80s ELO here. It’s not great, but it’s not worth bitching about either.
21 - “Love is Contagious,” Taja Sevelle
Minnesotan Nancy Richardson was a contemporary of Prince, and was an early signing to his Paisley Park label. Her only hit of note was this breezy, self-penned soul ballad about the viral properties of romance. Definitely worth catching.
In Part Two: a French cab and an unwise boat collide.
Thursday, March 28, 2019
The OMUSURT: Round Three, Part 2
The rest of the third round. What songs have that little extra something that will keep them uneasily riding along? Let’s find out.
THE NIGHT CRAWLER BOWL
Final Score: Cover 38, WOLD 3. An easy win for the Medicine Show. They remain laser-focused on their goal, while Harry’s team just seemed to have lost enthusiasm for the game and were just showing up to go through the motions, get the game cheque, and move on.
THE NIGHT CRAWLER BOWL
“Funky Worm,” The Ohio Players, 1973
vs. “Werewolves of London,” Warren Zevon, 1978
A #15 about soulful fish bait versus a #21 about predatory mammalian hybrids.
Final Score: Worm 26, Werewolves 16. By request of both teams, the game kicked off at 2 am. The Zevon squad’s aggression was prevailing for much of the game, but the gang from Ohio used delaying tactics to prolong the game to the point where day was beginning to break, and after that, their opponents became an entirely different team. The Worm turned after that. When the coaches shook hands after the game, Granny of the Funky side asked her hirsute opposite number if he could introduce her to his team’s uniform supplier.
Final Score: Worm 26, Werewolves 16. By request of both teams, the game kicked off at 2 am. The Zevon squad’s aggression was prevailing for much of the game, but the gang from Ohio used delaying tactics to prolong the game to the point where day was beginning to break, and after that, their opponents became an entirely different team. The Worm turned after that. When the coaches shook hands after the game, Granny of the Funky side asked her hirsute opposite number if he could introduce her to his team’s uniform supplier.
THE KIDS’ CHOICE BOWL
“The Candy Man,” Sammy Davis Jr., 1972
vs. “School’s Out,” Alice Cooper, 1972
The charttopper about a purveyor of sweets meets a #7 about kids being let loose.
Final Score: Candy 31, School 21. The first half was dominated by the youthful exuberance of the Coop crew over the Davis’ out-of-shape sugar addicts. However, fortunes were reversed in the second half, to such an extent that some observers speculated that the School kids were intentionally giving the game away. There were also rumours that sometime during the first half, Coach Davis made a phone call to a friend of his with the initials F.S., and that friend had arranged for some “interested spectators” to visit Alice’s team at halftime to offer “encouragement.” An investigation was conducted, and while reportedly there was some evidence of funny business, the Tournament Director has decided not to charge the Candy men with anything and will allow them to continue their campaign. No, our Director’s name isn’t William Barr. Why would you ask that?
Final Score: Candy 31, School 21. The first half was dominated by the youthful exuberance of the Coop crew over the Davis’ out-of-shape sugar addicts. However, fortunes were reversed in the second half, to such an extent that some observers speculated that the School kids were intentionally giving the game away. There were also rumours that sometime during the first half, Coach Davis made a phone call to a friend of his with the initials F.S., and that friend had arranged for some “interested spectators” to visit Alice’s team at halftime to offer “encouragement.” An investigation was conducted, and while reportedly there was some evidence of funny business, the Tournament Director has decided not to charge the Candy men with anything and will allow them to continue their campaign. No, our Director’s name isn’t William Barr. Why would you ask that?
THE TOY ANIMALS BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs. “Teddy Bear,” Red Sovine, 1976
A #16 about bath time companionship takes on a #40 about finding a friend on a radio frequency.
Final Score: Duckie 28, Bear 6. Ernie’s squad played with so much cheerful exuberance that the serious Sovines could not help but stand around and watch for most of the game. The Teddy Bears left the stadium in their trucks happier than most teams are when they actually win.
Final Score: Duckie 28, Bear 6. Ernie’s squad played with so much cheerful exuberance that the serious Sovines could not help but stand around and watch for most of the game. The Teddy Bears left the stadium in their trucks happier than most teams are when they actually win.
THE EATIN’ AND MATIN’ BOWL
“Mr. Jaws,” Dickie Goodman, 1975
vs. “Muskrat Love,” The Captain and Tennille, 1976
A #4 shark tale faces a #4 rodent romance.
Final Score: Muskrat 20, Jaws 14. The wriggly rodents proved too elusive for the massive Great Whites to overcome. This was a shock to many observers, who expected the Jaws to devour the competition for a few more rounds, possibly all the way to the championship. A stunned Coach Goodman was interviewed after the game.
Dickie, obviously this was not the result you were anticipating. What went wrong?
“Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame.”
Really? Can you tell me more about this woman?
“She’s a rich girl, and she’s gone too far.”
Okay. We’ve heard that you were having trouble finding words for your postgame team speech. Can you comment on that?
“What do I say when it’s all over?”
What did your players say to you when they left the dressing room?
“You can go your own way, go your own way!”
Sounds like they weren’t happy with you. What do you have to say about that?
“Players only love you when they’re playing,”
I see. Let’s talk about the other team. What did you say to their Captain after the game?
“Nobody does it half as good as you, baby you’re the best.”
Do you have any advice for them in their upcoming game?
“Hey y’all, prepare yourself for the rubberband man.”
All right. Well, thank you for giving these interviews, Coach. They’ve been very informative. We now return you to...
“Don’t leave me this way.”
I’m sorry, Dickie, we’ve got to go.
“I can’t survive...”
Really, Dickie, it’s over.
“I can’t stay alive...”
Dickie, let go of me!
“without your love...”
DICKIE!!!!
“Don’t leave me this way.”
(Feed cuts out)
Well, some surprising developments there. We’ll keep you posted. Let’s move on.
Final Score: Muskrat 20, Jaws 14. The wriggly rodents proved too elusive for the massive Great Whites to overcome. This was a shock to many observers, who expected the Jaws to devour the competition for a few more rounds, possibly all the way to the championship. A stunned Coach Goodman was interviewed after the game.
Dickie, obviously this was not the result you were anticipating. What went wrong?
“Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame.”
Really? Can you tell me more about this woman?
“She’s a rich girl, and she’s gone too far.”
Okay. We’ve heard that you were having trouble finding words for your postgame team speech. Can you comment on that?
“What do I say when it’s all over?”
What did your players say to you when they left the dressing room?
“You can go your own way, go your own way!”
Sounds like they weren’t happy with you. What do you have to say about that?
“Players only love you when they’re playing,”
I see. Let’s talk about the other team. What did you say to their Captain after the game?
“Nobody does it half as good as you, baby you’re the best.”
Do you have any advice for them in their upcoming game?
“Hey y’all, prepare yourself for the rubberband man.”
All right. Well, thank you for giving these interviews, Coach. They’ve been very informative. We now return you to...
“Don’t leave me this way.”
I’m sorry, Dickie, we’ve got to go.
“I can’t survive...”
Really, Dickie, it’s over.
“I can’t stay alive...”
Dickie, let go of me!
“without your love...”
DICKIE!!!!
“Don’t leave me this way.”
(Feed cuts out)
Well, some surprising developments there. We’ll keep you posted. Let’s move on.
THE TOO MANY BALLS ON THE COURT BOWL
“Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces,” Cheech and Chong, 1973
vs. “The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974
The #15 about a b-ball junkie meets a #1 about an exhibitionism addict.
Final Score: Streak 33, Jones 31. The Streak continues, as their naked aggression and balls-out offense allowed them to edge the Joneses. There was some concern that Cheech and Chong were so incensed by the loss that they were burning down their locker room, but it turned out that there was another explanation for the smoke coming from behind the door.
Final Score: Streak 33, Jones 31. The Streak continues, as their naked aggression and balls-out offense allowed them to edge the Joneses. There was some concern that Cheech and Chong were so incensed by the loss that they were burning down their locker room, but it turned out that there was another explanation for the smoke coming from behind the door.
THE I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASTHMA INHALER BOWL
“Kung Fu Fighting,” Carl Douglas, 1974
vs. “Shaving Cream,” Benny Bell, 1975
The #1 about Asian martial arts battles a #30 not about facial lubricant.
Final Score: Fighting 35, Shaving 10. The Kung Fu practitioners used athleticism and expert timing to, well, cream their opponents. Another colourful coach is out of the tournament, but Benny gave one final statement to the press after the game:
“This loss is very disappointing,
It’s angered me too, I’ll admit.
I hoped we would get good officials,
But these referees were full of shit!
Yeah, I said it. No more mincing words. Those Kung Fu guys got away with everything. I know people don’t want to take the foot out of football, but I thought the ball was the only thing you were supposed to kick. And all those chop blocks! It was shit shit shit! I don’t care if we lose our Gillette sponsorship. No more shaving cream, No more shaving. I’m growing a beard. You know my grandfather had a long one. That’s a funny story...”
He had a lot more to say, but we need to move on now.
Final Score: Fighting 35, Shaving 10. The Kung Fu practitioners used athleticism and expert timing to, well, cream their opponents. Another colourful coach is out of the tournament, but Benny gave one final statement to the press after the game:
“This loss is very disappointing,
It’s angered me too, I’ll admit.
I hoped we would get good officials,
But these referees were full of shit!
Yeah, I said it. No more mincing words. Those Kung Fu guys got away with everything. I know people don’t want to take the foot out of football, but I thought the ball was the only thing you were supposed to kick. And all those chop blocks! It was shit shit shit! I don’t care if we lose our Gillette sponsorship. No more shaving cream, No more shaving. I’m growing a beard. You know my grandfather had a long one. That’s a funny story...”
He had a lot more to say, but we need to move on now.
THE WHAT’S YOUR 20 SAUCER JOCKEY BOWL
“The White Knight,” Cledus Maggard and the Citizens’ Band, 1976
vs. “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft,” Carpenters, 1977
The #19 about a sly sheriff matches up with a #32 about undiscovered intelligent life.
Final Score: Occupants 37, Knight 31 (OT). This was one of the closest games we’ve had so far. It came down a play where the Citizens defense tried to lay a trap for the Occupants’ speedy receivers, but the Carpenters instead constructed a play that saw them go straight up the middle to escape with the win. The Knight and his truckers’ cargo will not include the tournament trophy.
Final Score: Occupants 37, Knight 31 (OT). This was one of the closest games we’ve had so far. It came down a play where the Citizens defense tried to lay a trap for the Occupants’ speedy receivers, but the Carpenters instead constructed a play that saw them go straight up the middle to escape with the win. The Knight and his truckers’ cargo will not include the tournament trophy.
THE WHAT DOES HARRY THE DOG WANT FOR NOTHIN’ BOWL
“Saturday Morning Confusion,” Bobby Russell, 1971
vs. “Rubber Biscuit,” The Blues Brothers, 1979
A #28 about waking up to chaos versus a #37 about unappetizing edibles,
Final Score: Biscuit 23, Confusion 10. The Brothers nonsensical play calls further puzzled Russell’s already confused crew. The losing team, however, seemed relieved that it was all over and they could finally relax.
Final Score: Biscuit 23, Confusion 10. The Brothers nonsensical play calls further puzzled Russell’s already confused crew. The losing team, however, seemed relieved that it was all over and they could finally relax.
THE ELVIS MEETS NIXON...’S LAST DAYS AS PRESIDENT BOWL
“Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me,” Reunion, 1974
vs. “The King is Gone,” Ronnie McDowell,” 1977
A #8 musical mini-encyclopedia takes on a #13 Elvis eulogy.
Final Score: King 45, Life 16. McDowell’s formula for victory remains the same: strictly follow a playbook that he has an extreme reverence for, and use it to dominate lesser opponents. And for the second straight game, he met a team working from pieces of multiple game plans. The Radio got rolled. Goodbye, Reunion, we’ll miss you.
Final Score: King 45, Life 16. McDowell’s formula for victory remains the same: strictly follow a playbook that he has an extreme reverence for, and use it to dominate lesser opponents. And for the second straight game, he met a team working from pieces of multiple game plans. The Radio got rolled. Goodbye, Reunion, we’ll miss you.
THE FIRST YOU GET THE AIRPLAY, THEN YOU GET THE PRESS COVERAGE BOWL
“The Cover of the Rolling Stone,” Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show, 1973
vs. “WOLD,” Harry Chapin, 1974
A #6 about a band trying to get on the front of a pop periodical faces a #36 about a guy who would play that same band’s singles.
A #6 about a band trying to get on the front of a pop periodical faces a #36 about a guy who would play that same band’s singles.
Final Score: Cover 38, WOLD 3. An easy win for the Medicine Show. They remain laser-focused on their goal, while Harry’s team just seemed to have lost enthusiasm for the game and were just showing up to go through the motions, get the game cheque, and move on.
THE HOW MANY NIGHTS HAVE WE STAYED UP TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL THESE GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT BOWL
“American Pie,” Don McLean, 1972
vs. “Hotel California,” Eagles, 1977
The #1 abstraction of rock history battles the #1 L.A. metaphor.
Final Score: Pie 45, Hotel 38. Both teams confounded each other with plays that looked like something other than what they were. The McLean team just had a few more such tricks, and that made the difference. They celebrated after the game with whiskey and rye. The Californians wanted to drown their post-loss sorrows in a fine wine, but were told it wasn’t available here.
Final Score: Pie 45, Hotel 38. Both teams confounded each other with plays that looked like something other than what they were. The McLean team just had a few more such tricks, and that made the difference. They celebrated after the game with whiskey and rye. The Californians wanted to drown their post-loss sorrows in a fine wine, but were told it wasn’t available here.
THE I SEE A LITTLE SILHOUETTE OF A CAN OF DR. PEPPER BOWL
“Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen, 1975
vs. “Junk Food Junkie,” Larry Groce, 1976
The #9 operatic ode to murder, nihilism and motherhood matches up with a #9 about empty calories.
Final Score: Rhapsody 55, Junkie 3. There was no escaping the reality of the landslide the Junkies found themselves caught in right from the kickoff. Groce’s team now have no reason to pretend to care about their diets during the day. Good Lord, have pity on them.
Final Score: Rhapsody 55, Junkie 3. There was no escaping the reality of the landslide the Junkies found themselves caught in right from the kickoff. Groce’s team now have no reason to pretend to care about their diets during the day. Good Lord, have pity on them.
THE IN AND OUT OF JAIL BOWL
“Mr. Bojangles,” The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, 1971
vs. “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree,” Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973
A #9 about a night in the drunk tank versus a #1 about being welcomed home from the state pen.
Final Score: Ribbon 14, Bojangles 10. The Dawn patrol had just enough remaining pent-up aggression from their three years of incarceration to overcome the fancy footwork of the Dirt Band, to the cheers of a whole damn busload of their Rotten Ribbon-waving fans.
Final Score: Ribbon 14, Bojangles 10. The Dawn patrol had just enough remaining pent-up aggression from their three years of incarceration to overcome the fancy footwork of the Dirt Band, to the cheers of a whole damn busload of their Rotten Ribbon-waving fans.
THE SHOOT THE GATOR, ASK QUESTIONS LATER BOWL
“The Batle Hymn of Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “Amos Moses,” Jerry Reed, 1971
The #37 defense of an alleged war crime takes on a #9 celebration of a reptile poacher.
Final Score: Calley 42, Moses 13. C Company marched all over Amos and his swamp-strong cohorts, forcing many of them off the field with serious injuries. Some of Calley’s own fans questioned if his team needed to be so brutal to win, but he rebuked them self-righteously, saying that if they weren’t willing to go out on the field with them, they had no right to judge them.
THE DEPENDENCE BOWL
“Patches,” Clarence Carter, 1970
vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
A #4 about a dad who expected a lot from his son meets a #35 about a son who expected a lot from his mom.
Final Score: I.O.U. 24, Patches 13. Fuelled by breakfast sausage and the love of their mothers, the I.O.U.s prevailed. In the end, Carter’s team depended too much on one player, who did all he could in his torn uniform and second-hand equipment, but could only take them so far before he had nothing left.
THE WHAT’S COOKIN’ BOWL
“Swamp Witch,” Jim Stafford, 1973
vs. “MacArthur Park,” Donna Summer, 1979
vs. “Amos Moses,” Jerry Reed, 1971
The #37 defense of an alleged war crime takes on a #9 celebration of a reptile poacher.
Final Score: Calley 42, Moses 13. C Company marched all over Amos and his swamp-strong cohorts, forcing many of them off the field with serious injuries. Some of Calley’s own fans questioned if his team needed to be so brutal to win, but he rebuked them self-righteously, saying that if they weren’t willing to go out on the field with them, they had no right to judge them.
THE DEPENDENCE BOWL
“Patches,” Clarence Carter, 1970
vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
A #4 about a dad who expected a lot from his son meets a #35 about a son who expected a lot from his mom.
Final Score: I.O.U. 24, Patches 13. Fuelled by breakfast sausage and the love of their mothers, the I.O.U.s prevailed. In the end, Carter’s team depended too much on one player, who did all he could in his torn uniform and second-hand equipment, but could only take them so far before he had nothing left.
THE WHAT’S COOKIN’ BOWL
“Swamp Witch,” Jim Stafford, 1973
vs. “MacArthur Park,” Donna Summer, 1979
A #39 about a life-saving brew faces a #1 about reckless baked-good storage.
Final Score: Witch 28, Park 0. The reperesentatives of the Black Bayou won easily, mainly because the Park team were both intimidated by their opponents’ reputation and depressed by the rainy game-day conditions. They didn’t think that they could take it, and they pretty much melted.
Another round ends. When we come back to this, we’ll be down to the last 32. But before then, we’re headed back to Britain, Join us next time.
Final Score: Witch 28, Park 0. The reperesentatives of the Black Bayou won easily, mainly because the Park team were both intimidated by their opponents’ reputation and depressed by the rainy game-day conditions. They didn’t think that they could take it, and they pretty much melted.
Another round ends. When we come back to this, we’ll be down to the last 32. But before then, we’re headed back to Britain, Join us next time.
Sunday, March 24, 2019
AOMA: UKT40 March 18, 1972 Part Two
We now return.
20 - “Desiderata,” Les Crane
The American DJ/TV host’s performance of a 1927 poem was a transcontinental Top Ten. I suppose there’s wisdom in it, but when the writer advised people to “listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story” he probably wasn’t anticipating the Internet.
19 - “It’s One of Those Nights,” The Partridge Family
The fake fam’s second hit here was inconsequential pop about how David Cassidy misses his girlfriend. Keith seduction of Britain was starting slowly, but he would score, and score big.
18 - “Floy Joy,” The Supremes
Their third post-Ross Top Ten was this swinging ode to a boy to whom they give a strange nickname. Mary Wilson gives a lead performance that makes one wonder what she could have done if she’d been given more of a showcase earlier in her career,
17 - “Give Ireland Back to the Irish,” Wings
Paul awkwardly comments on the Troubles, coming off as idealistically naive as you’d expect. Despite a radio ban, it did go Top Twenty. I don’t know what he was trying to accomplish with this, and thus I can’t say whether or not he succeeded.
16 - “Day After Day,” Badfinger
The third hit for the Beatle protégés from Swansea, featuring production and slide guitar from George Harrison. A gorgeous puddle of pop. I could listen to it once every 24 hours.
15 - “Say You Don’t Mind,” Colin Blunstone
The first and biggest hit for this chart’s second ex-Zombie was this string-based plea to a lover to forgive all his lapses of foolishness. It’s a baroque beauty, wonderfully delivered by the man who embedded “She’s Not There” into a generation’s brain. No one told me about it, but I’m glad I bothered trying to find it.
14 - “Storm in a Teacup,” The Fortunes
The last hit for the Birmingham band who started in the British Invasion era was this pleasing popper about not making too much of insignificant things. A nice little shower of a song, the kind that ends with a rainbow.
13 - “Look Wot You Dun,” Slade
Their second Top Five was this piano-driven stomp about how roma nice messes with one’s mind. This was also the song that made it clear that their penchant for misspelling was going to be a lasting part of their gimmick, and this caused British teachers to protest their potential to confuse children. Not the kind of panic rock caused when it began, but still, good job on them for finding a new vein of adult outrage to mine.
12 - “Poppa Joe,” Sweet
The fourth hit for the tasty glam rockers was this calypso-tinged tune about a guy who sells coconut rum. There’s a video with people doing the limbo under a flaming stick. Catchy, but slight. Not among their best.
11 - “I Can’t Help Myself,” Donnie Elbert
The Buffalo product’s second hit Motown cover. Both were bigger here than the States. Deservedly so. He wisely doesn’t try to compete with Levi Stubbs, and his looser, swingier approach provides its own pleasures.
10 - “Mother of Mine,” Neil Reid
Our second crack at the Scottish tween’s tribute to mummy. The number of granny-hugs and cheek-pinches this guy must have gotten during the height of his fame must have been staggering. Whatever the opposite of groupies are, that’s what he got.
9 - “Meet Me on the Corner,” Lindisfarne
Six years before their only American hit “Run for Home,” these Newcastle folk-rockers had a home Top Five with this track about arranging a meet-up with a “dream seller.” Is this code for something? Almost certainly. I won’t speculate on what. It’s pleasant enough pub pop.
8 - “Blue is the Colour,” Chelsea Football Team
Foorball records will still in their early days, but this one, sung by members of that year’s edition of a London club founded in 1905, remains one of the most famous. The song, co-written by Daniel “Beautiful Sunday” Boone, is basically a call to supporters to come to Stanford Bridge and wear blue to cheer them to victory. The singing is what you’d expect, no better or worse. The single was released ahead of their League Cup final again Stoke, which they lost. But there has been plenty of success since, especially since they were bought by Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich.
7 - “Got to be There,” Michael Jackson
His Triple Top Five solo debut. I doubt he understood what he was singing about. One wonders if he ever truly did. So much of his life was distorted by circumstances no one could have imagined. He’s still completely responsible for any harm he may have done to others, but I wonder how much he was shielded from, by others and himself.
6 - “Alone Again (Naturally),” Gilbert O’Sullivan
Somehow, Britain kept this pity party from a Triple Crown. Maybe they amount of rain they get makes them a bit less willing to go out of their way to expose themselves to dark clouds of the musical variety.
5 - “Mother and Child Reunion,” Paul Simon
Paul’s solo breakthrough was also a Triple Top Five. A deceptively peppy rumination on death, featuring Jimmy Cliff’s backing band providing a cred-bolstering reggae groove, and Whitney Houston’s mom on backing vocals. This definitely did not give anyone false hope that he would have a productive and successful post-Garfunkel career.
4 - “Son of My Father,” Chicory Tip
The first and biggest hit for this Maidstone outfit was this Moog-bedecked #1 about bucking parental indoctrination. The synths are snowy but inessential, but I guess their novelty helped it stand out. It’s a pretty good song, and one of the first successes for its co-writer, future disco auteur Giorgio Moroder.
3 - “Beg Steal or Borrow,” The New Seekers
Their follow-up to the Coke jingle was Britain’s Eurovision entry for the year. It’s about the things they do for love. I prefer 10cc’s methodology. No wonder they came second to Luxembourg.
2 - “American Pie,” Don McLean
Donnie’s epic somehow fell this short of the Triple Crown. Though he did get the career one with his next hit, the more straightforward Van Gogh tribute “Vincent.” The jester’s thievery did not prevent them from returning a verdict.
1 - “Without You,” Harry Nilsson
The legendary singer-songwriter did land a Triple Crown, but with a cover of a song from the previous year by none other than Badfinger. He goes full out and sells it without being sappy or overwrought. The Crown was deserved. And it’s justice that Mariah’s version missed it.
Another dust-biter. Up next, more tournament action, action, action! Stay tuned.
20 - “Desiderata,” Les Crane
The American DJ/TV host’s performance of a 1927 poem was a transcontinental Top Ten. I suppose there’s wisdom in it, but when the writer advised people to “listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story” he probably wasn’t anticipating the Internet.
19 - “It’s One of Those Nights,” The Partridge Family
The fake fam’s second hit here was inconsequential pop about how David Cassidy misses his girlfriend. Keith seduction of Britain was starting slowly, but he would score, and score big.
18 - “Floy Joy,” The Supremes
Their third post-Ross Top Ten was this swinging ode to a boy to whom they give a strange nickname. Mary Wilson gives a lead performance that makes one wonder what she could have done if she’d been given more of a showcase earlier in her career,
17 - “Give Ireland Back to the Irish,” Wings
Paul awkwardly comments on the Troubles, coming off as idealistically naive as you’d expect. Despite a radio ban, it did go Top Twenty. I don’t know what he was trying to accomplish with this, and thus I can’t say whether or not he succeeded.
16 - “Day After Day,” Badfinger
The third hit for the Beatle protégés from Swansea, featuring production and slide guitar from George Harrison. A gorgeous puddle of pop. I could listen to it once every 24 hours.
15 - “Say You Don’t Mind,” Colin Blunstone
The first and biggest hit for this chart’s second ex-Zombie was this string-based plea to a lover to forgive all his lapses of foolishness. It’s a baroque beauty, wonderfully delivered by the man who embedded “She’s Not There” into a generation’s brain. No one told me about it, but I’m glad I bothered trying to find it.
14 - “Storm in a Teacup,” The Fortunes
The last hit for the Birmingham band who started in the British Invasion era was this pleasing popper about not making too much of insignificant things. A nice little shower of a song, the kind that ends with a rainbow.
13 - “Look Wot You Dun,” Slade
Their second Top Five was this piano-driven stomp about how roma nice messes with one’s mind. This was also the song that made it clear that their penchant for misspelling was going to be a lasting part of their gimmick, and this caused British teachers to protest their potential to confuse children. Not the kind of panic rock caused when it began, but still, good job on them for finding a new vein of adult outrage to mine.
12 - “Poppa Joe,” Sweet
The fourth hit for the tasty glam rockers was this calypso-tinged tune about a guy who sells coconut rum. There’s a video with people doing the limbo under a flaming stick. Catchy, but slight. Not among their best.
11 - “I Can’t Help Myself,” Donnie Elbert
The Buffalo product’s second hit Motown cover. Both were bigger here than the States. Deservedly so. He wisely doesn’t try to compete with Levi Stubbs, and his looser, swingier approach provides its own pleasures.
10 - “Mother of Mine,” Neil Reid
Our second crack at the Scottish tween’s tribute to mummy. The number of granny-hugs and cheek-pinches this guy must have gotten during the height of his fame must have been staggering. Whatever the opposite of groupies are, that’s what he got.
9 - “Meet Me on the Corner,” Lindisfarne
Six years before their only American hit “Run for Home,” these Newcastle folk-rockers had a home Top Five with this track about arranging a meet-up with a “dream seller.” Is this code for something? Almost certainly. I won’t speculate on what. It’s pleasant enough pub pop.
8 - “Blue is the Colour,” Chelsea Football Team
Foorball records will still in their early days, but this one, sung by members of that year’s edition of a London club founded in 1905, remains one of the most famous. The song, co-written by Daniel “Beautiful Sunday” Boone, is basically a call to supporters to come to Stanford Bridge and wear blue to cheer them to victory. The singing is what you’d expect, no better or worse. The single was released ahead of their League Cup final again Stoke, which they lost. But there has been plenty of success since, especially since they were bought by Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich.
7 - “Got to be There,” Michael Jackson
His Triple Top Five solo debut. I doubt he understood what he was singing about. One wonders if he ever truly did. So much of his life was distorted by circumstances no one could have imagined. He’s still completely responsible for any harm he may have done to others, but I wonder how much he was shielded from, by others and himself.
6 - “Alone Again (Naturally),” Gilbert O’Sullivan
Somehow, Britain kept this pity party from a Triple Crown. Maybe they amount of rain they get makes them a bit less willing to go out of their way to expose themselves to dark clouds of the musical variety.
5 - “Mother and Child Reunion,” Paul Simon
Paul’s solo breakthrough was also a Triple Top Five. A deceptively peppy rumination on death, featuring Jimmy Cliff’s backing band providing a cred-bolstering reggae groove, and Whitney Houston’s mom on backing vocals. This definitely did not give anyone false hope that he would have a productive and successful post-Garfunkel career.
4 - “Son of My Father,” Chicory Tip
The first and biggest hit for this Maidstone outfit was this Moog-bedecked #1 about bucking parental indoctrination. The synths are snowy but inessential, but I guess their novelty helped it stand out. It’s a pretty good song, and one of the first successes for its co-writer, future disco auteur Giorgio Moroder.
3 - “Beg Steal or Borrow,” The New Seekers
Their follow-up to the Coke jingle was Britain’s Eurovision entry for the year. It’s about the things they do for love. I prefer 10cc’s methodology. No wonder they came second to Luxembourg.
2 - “American Pie,” Don McLean
Donnie’s epic somehow fell this short of the Triple Crown. Though he did get the career one with his next hit, the more straightforward Van Gogh tribute “Vincent.” The jester’s thievery did not prevent them from returning a verdict.
1 - “Without You,” Harry Nilsson
The legendary singer-songwriter did land a Triple Crown, but with a cover of a song from the previous year by none other than Badfinger. He goes full out and sells it without being sappy or overwrought. The Crown was deserved. And it’s justice that Mariah’s version missed it.
Another dust-biter. Up next, more tournament action, action, action! Stay tuned.
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