The last quarter of the second round. Mostly stories. And now those stories are characters in a larger story. And so it begins.
THE 50s HEARTTHROBS LIVING AND DEAD BOWL
“Garden Party,” Rick Nelson, 1972
vs. “The King is Gone,” Ronnie McDowell, 1977
Ozzie and Harriet’s son’s #6 tale of a reunion of rock royalty takes on McDowell’s #13 tribute to a departed musical monarch.
Final Score: King 35, Party 21. McDowell executed one of the greatest playbooks of all time well enough to spoil the Party. Nelson had a pretty proven playbook of his own, but he couldn’t resist trying a couple of new, untested plays that ended up backfiring. After the loss, he reportedly contemplated a career change to truck driving.
THE DESPERATELY SEEKING ATTENTION BOWL
“The Cover of the Rolling Stone,” Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show, 1973
vs, “Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You,” Jerry Corbetta and Sugarloaf, 1975
A #6 quest for a magazine story meets a #9 hustle for a recording contract.
Final Score: Stone 27, Call 10. Arriving in limousines driven by their fathers and wearing uniforms featuring embroidered denim pants, the Medicine Show came out and outclassed the Sugarloafers. The losing squad are apparently looking for another game somewhere, but apparently all of their prospective opponents will only commit to playing them at some undetermined future date that, many fear, will never come.
THE STARMAKER MACHINERY BOWL
“WOLD,” Harry Chapin, 1974
vs. “The Load-Out/Stay,” Jackson Browne, 1978
The #36 story of an itinerant DJ versus the #20 snapshot of life on a rock tour.
Final Score: Chapin 45, Browne 15. The Load-Out crew were betrayed by their own work ethic this time, as they took it upon themselves to set up the goalposts, haul out the benches and down markers, fill the Gatorade coolers, paint the lines, and even mow the field before the game. After all of that work, they had little left for the actual contest. The WOLDies, on the other hand, are used to showing up, giving their all for as long as their wanted, and moving on. Despite the loss and their exhaustion, Browne’s team went ahead and put everything back the way it was before leaving.
THE RCA AND ALL THE OTHERS ARE RUINING MY ART BOWL
“Look What They Done to My Song, Ma,” The New Seekers, 1970
vs. “Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me),” Reunion, 1974
A #14 expression of artistic differences faces a #8 recitation of pop ephemera.
Final Score: Rock 41, Song 3. Another dominant performance by Reunion, as their rapid-fire play calling was too much for the Seekers, who were reportedly driven close to insanity trying to keep up. The losing side is reportedly now looking to calm down with a good book.
THE DAY THE MUSIC WAS SHOT BOWL
“American Pie,” Don McLean, 1972
vs. “Eighteen with a Bullet,” Pete Wingfield, 1975
The #1 epic poem matches up with a #15 musical metaphor.
Final Score: Pie 48, Bullet 10. McLean’s bunch rolled like a stone over the Wingfield team, in spite of having one of their main players, a man known as “the Jester” sidelined with an injury. This will not be the day that their hopes of winning died.
THE BURN, CALORIES, BURN BOWL
“Junk Food Junkie,” Larry Groce, 1976
vs. “Disco Inferno,” The Trammps, 1978
A #9 celebration of unhealthy eating meets a #11 song about a setting a building on fire through the power of dance.
Final Score: Junkie 28, Inferno 14. The Trammps got off to a hot start, but they eventually self-destructed around the same time as the Junkies’ sugar rush kicked in. But how long before their lack of dietary discipline causes the inevitable crash?
THE COME IN OUT OF THE ICE AND SNOW BOWL
“Immigrant Song,” Led Zeppelin, 1971
vs. “Hotel California,” Eagles, 1977
A #16 tune about Nordic invaders takes on a #1 about a place you can’t leave.
Final Score: California 38, Immigrant 28. The Zeppelin team were very aggressive, dominating possession and field position in the first half. But in the second half, they couldn’t seem to check out of their own end of the field. In fact, they never left it. The Eagles’ team celebrated after the game, but not with the traditional champagne, because according to the team captain, they hadn’t had it, or any other wine, for quite some time.
THE WE’RE SO SORRY WE JUST KILLED A MAN BOWL
“Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey,” Paul and Linda McCartney, 1971
vs. “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen, 1975
A #1 sea chantey versus a #9 mini-opera.
Final Score: Rhapsody 49, Albert 10. The game was played in a swirling wind, but no matter which way it was blowing, it didn’t really matter to the Bohemians. The McCartney effort was also hampered by their tendency to leave the field any time their tea kettle whistled.
THE SONG AND DANCE BOWL
“Mr. Bojangles,” The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, 1971
vs. “Piano Man,” Billy Joel, 1974
A #9 tale of a hoofer faces a #24 story about an ivory-tickler.
Final Score: Bojangles 23, Piano 20. A very close game, professionally played. It came down to a Hail Mary on the last play. The ball was up for grabs, but the Dirt Band’s star receiver jumped so high, jumped so high, and very lightly touched down in the end zone with the ball in his possession for the game-winning score. Billy’s boys took the loss surprisingly well, as they left the field singing and carousing, and one player was heard to remark “Man, what are we doing here?”
THE WHAT DID YOU DO IN THE WAR BOWL
“The Battle Hymn of Lt. Calley,” C Company featuring Terry Nelson, 1971
vs. “Fernando,” ABBA, 1976
The #37 story about Vietnam battles a #13 tale of the Texas Revolution.
Final Score: Hymn 49, Fernando 0. Another win for C Company and their take-no-prisoners style. There is talk of investigating the legality and morality of their tactics, but for now, they go marching on. The ABBA squad never thought that they could lose, but they have no regrets.
THE CADILLAC WITH ALLIGATOR SEATS BOWL
“Amos Moses,” Jerry Reed, 1971
vs. “One Piece at a Time,” Johnny Cash, 1976
A #8 song about an alligator wrestler meets a #29 tune about a resourceful autoworker.
Final Score: Amos 44, Piece 14. Jerry’s team of big, mean and tough Bayou-bred boys easily conquered the Cash team, whose mixed-up playbook resulted in fiascos such as when they punted from their opponents’1-yard-line, and running a quarterback sneak on third and 25.
THE LAY YOUR MONEY DOWN IF YOU WANT THAT RECIPE AGAIN BOWL
“Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves,” Cher, 1971
vs. “MacArthur Park,” Donna Summer, 1979
A #1 about unwanted pregnancy takes on a #1 about a cake wreck.
Final Score: Park 23, Gypsies 21. Another close victory for Donna’s team. The turning point in the game occurred when a new player the Gypsies acquired in Memphis, who had dazzled one particular teammate with his performance, suddenly left the team late in the third quarter. This caused much disruption on the Cher sidelines, and at the end of the game when they still had a chance, they seemed more interested in preaching gospel and spelling bottles of something called “Dr. Good” to the Crown than winning the game.
THE PARENTAL PRESSURE BOWL
“Fancy,” Bobbie Gentry, 1970
vs. “Patches,” Clarence Carter, 1970
A #31 about a girl entrusted to improve her family’s station in life meets a #4 about a boy...entrusted to improve his family’s station in life.
Final Score: Patches 34, Fancy 31 (OT) In a game where it’s no exaggeration that both teams had everything to play for, Carter’s team had just enough to outlast their similarly-motivated opponents. The Fancy Side was disappointed, but they seem to have the attitude that they’ve done pretty well for where they started, and they are sure they did not let their Mama down,
THE HI MOM/DAD BOWL
“The Last Game of the Season (A Blind Man in the Bleachers),” David Geddes, 1975
vs. “I.O.U.,” Jimmy Dean, 1976
The #18 about playing for your father faces a #35 about apologizing to your mother.
Final Score: I.O.U. 26, Bleachers 21. An upset. Both teams went all out in their attack on the heartstrings, but Jimmy’s bunch just pushed a little bit harder and finally broke Geddes gang down. They may have been blind to everything but victory, but unfortunately, they weren’t deaf.
THE I WAS SUCH A BAD FATHER THEY PUT ME IN JAIL BOWL
“Tie A Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Ole Oak Tree,” Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1973
vs. “Cat’s in the Cradle,” Harry Chapin, 1974
A #1 about trying to rekindle a relationship after going to prison versus a #1 about being confronted with your own neglectful parenting.
Final Score: Ribbon 30, Cradle 20. Two closely-matched teams, but the difference was Orlando’s more dedicated fan support, and the fact that the hardening they experienced in prison helped them stay on task when things got sentimental at the end.
THE FIDDLING WITH DARK MAGIC BOWL
“Swamp Witch,” Jim Stafford, 1973
vs. “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” The Charlie Daniels Band, 1979
A #3 about a violin contest with Satan meets a #39 about a benevolent Wiccan.
Final Score: Witch 37, Devil 31. Another surprise. Some are attributing it to the game being moved at the last minute from the Peach State to a place called “The Black Bayou.” Some even think a dispute over musical differences between members of the Daniels team’s marching band may have been a factor. Whatever the reason, the Devil’s disciples were defeated, and for some reason, they presented their conquereors with a golden violin.
So now we’re down to 64. Stay tuned for when Round Three begins, but next up, we make a belated return to Canada. See you then.
Thursday, February 28, 2019
Wednesday, February 27, 2019
...And as Years Go By: CT50 February 2, 1985
February 1985. In Canada, Defence Minister Robert Coates is forced to resign after he is found to have patronized multiple strip clubs on an official visit to West Germany. Meanwhile, here’s a look at his home nation’s fully clothed pop chart.
Bonus Track #1: 66 - “If I had a Rocket Launcher,” Bruce Cockburn (CanCon!)
The Ottawa folk-rocker’s most incendiary single was inspired by the stories he heard from Guatemalans fleeing from dictatorship in a refugee camp in Mexico. Basically, it angered him enough to desire a high-powered projectile weapon and make “some son-of-a-bitch.” pay with his life. The song is an explosive device in and of itself. Interestingly enough, it’s the only song of his other than “Wondering Where the Lions Are” to crack the U.S. Hot 100.
Bonus Track #2: 60 - “Romantic Traffic,” Spoons (CanCon!)
This Burlington, Ontario New Wave band had some success domestically, and at one point Nile Rodgers chose to produce an album for them rather that the then-hot Culture Club. Though that album failed to even secure an international release, Rodgers returned to helm two subsequent songs the group wrote for a Canadian film called Listen to the City. One was this breezy pop tune about navigating the gridlock of love. It only made it to #55, but the song and video received substantial airplay, burning its “Doo doo, doo doo, doo de doo doo” hook into the national collective brain.
50 - “Rock You,” Helix (CanCon!)
From Kitchener, Ontario, this hard rock band had been around for a decade and been through several lineup changes (apparently, a pre-Family Ties Michael J. Fox once auditioned to be their bass player). Their breakthrough hit was this big, dumb, beautiful ode to the power of ROCK (“Gimme an R! O! C! K!”). And the video, set in what appears to be a prehistoric slave labor camp and featuring topless women and a closing shot of singer Brian Vollmer doing the splits in midair, is the most stereotypically metal thing you will ever see. This doesn’t rate on the Headbangometer. It IS the Headbangometer.
48 - “Hang on to Your Love,” Sade
This track by Ms, Adu and her eponymous band didn’t chart in the U countries, but made it here. The usual sophisticated soul, this time encouraging romantic determination. As always, something to put on when you want to class up the place with minimal effort.
44 - “Not in Love,” Platinum Blonde (CanCon!)
The fourth single by the poofy-haired Torontonian was this spiffy new waver about romantic denial. Not a big fan of Mark Holmes’ voice, but he doesn’t do too badly on this one. One of the many songs here that induce Grade 8 flashbacks.
42 - “Madam Butterfly,” Malcolm McLaren
After tackling hip-hop and urban American culture, British pop impresario McLaren combined opera and dance beats on this adaptation of the aria “Un bel di vedremo” from Giacomo Puccini’s 1904 work about the doomed romance between a teenage Japanese girl and an American Navy lieutenant. While soprano Betty Ann White sings the aria, McLaren speaks from the point of view of the American Pinkerton, while Debbie Cole sings verses as Cio-Cio-San about her fervent belief that her foreign lover will return to her and the son she bore him. Spoiler Alert: he does, but...well, opera isn’t exactly known for happy endings. A strange, wonderful genre collision, and one that moves me to dust off the Uneasy Rider.
32 - “Catch My Fall,” Billy Idol
The fourth single from Rebel Yell missed the top 40 in the U.S. and U.K., but cracked the Top 30 here. It’s pop-rock about hoping that someone will look out for you when you’re in trouble. Okay, but far from a lost gem.
31 - “Tenderness,” General Public
After the breakup of British ska stars The Beat, vocalists Dave Wakeling and “Ranking” Roger Charlery formed a new group with other members who had just left significant bands (including, at one point, The Clash’s Mick Jones). They had little success at home, but scored a North American hit with this bouncy number about needing love in your life. I loved it the first time I heard it, and I still do. It makes me dance crazily. It’s like a button, I can’t stop pushing it.
29 - “The Power of Love,” Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Their third straight home #1 and third Top Twenty here was this big ballad about love’s ability to cleanse, embolden, protect, and fulfill. Huge and elaborate, but also extremely moving. Possibly their best moment. We all would like someone to keep the vampires from our door.
25 - “Tonight,” David Bowie with Tina Turner
Bowie turns a song about watching a lover die from a heroin overdose that he co-wrote with Iggu Pop for Iggy’s Lust for Life LP into a more innocent-sounding bit of lovers rock he can sing with Tina. It’s growing on me with repeated listens.
24 - “The Word is Out,” Jermaine Stewart
Before his 1986 smash “We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off,” Chicagoan Stewart released this big-beated lament that his down-low lover has taken them public. It just missed the Top 40 at home, but got solidly in it up here. Deservedly so.
19 - “Sexcrime (Nineteen Eighty-Four),” Eurythmics
Though it flopped in America, this track from Annie and Dave’s soundtrack to the film version of George Orwell’s dystopian novel went Top Five in Britain and Top Twenty here. The cold synths and Lennox’s impassioned verses perfectly reflect the theme of humanity trying to break through tyrannical conformity. To put it in Ingsoc, this is doubleplusgood.
11 - “At the Feet of the Moon,” Parachute Club (CanCon!)
The second hit for this Toronto band was another solid example of their mix of dance-pop, idealistic lyrics, and world music influences. I’m not sure if I like this or “Rise Up” better, but it’s definitely better than the one they did with John Oates.
The Top Ten isn’t the one on trial here.
10 - “Ti Amo,” Laura Branigan
Once again, Branigan covers a song originated by Italian singer Umberto “Gloria” Tozzi with English lyrics, this time written by Diane Warren. It’s a power ballad about a breakup. and for some reason it was a major hit only here and in Australia. She goes all out, getting especially raspy whenever she sings the word “under.” Not for me, but I can live with its success.
9 - “Smalltown Boy,” Bronski Beat
We joined the U.K. in making this groundbreaking disco track about escaping a homophobic environment a Top Ten. Jimmy Somerville’s sad-yet-hopeful performance still moves.
8 - “You’re the Inspiration,” Chicago
I’d rather not be, guys. Find someone else to pin this blecch on.
7 - “Do They Know It’s Christmas,” Band Aid
Only America denied the charity collaboration a Triple Crown. And around this time, our own assemblage of stars was gathering as Northern Lights to record our contribution, “Tears are Not Enough.” The big guns were there: Adams, Murray, Lightfoot, Young, Mitchells Joni and Kim. I’ll talk more about it when it inevitably comes up, but for now, I’ll tell you that Geddy Lee is my favourite part.
6 - “Like a Virgin,” Madonna
Her first #1 here and in the U.S. It still combines sexual desire and longing for deeper intimacy in a way few pop songs ever have.
5 - “I Want to Know What Love Is,” Foreigner
The Triple Crown-winning, gospel-enhanced ballad. Maybe it tries too hard to be meaningful, but it gets there anyway.
4 - “Run to You,” Bryan Adams (CanCon!)
His first Top Ten here and in the States. Distilled rock urgency. I still like “Cuts Like a Knife” better, but this is easily the best of Reckless.
3 - “All I Need,” Jack Wagner
The only hit for the General Hospital star was this cross-border Top Five mush lump. There is nothing I need here.
2 - “Easy Lover,” Philip Bailey and Phil Collins
The phenomenal Phils missed the Crown by one American spot. Ohhh, they’ll regret it. At least they should. It’s effective superstar pop that just won’t leave your head.
And on top up here 34 years ago was...
1 - “Careless Whisper,” Wham!
Regardless if it was credited to Wham! or just George, it got a Triple Crown, it’s decent blue-eyed soul, it’s got that sax bit, it just lives. Deal with it.
There you go. Back to Britain next time. See you then.
Bonus Track #1: 66 - “If I had a Rocket Launcher,” Bruce Cockburn (CanCon!)
The Ottawa folk-rocker’s most incendiary single was inspired by the stories he heard from Guatemalans fleeing from dictatorship in a refugee camp in Mexico. Basically, it angered him enough to desire a high-powered projectile weapon and make “some son-of-a-bitch.” pay with his life. The song is an explosive device in and of itself. Interestingly enough, it’s the only song of his other than “Wondering Where the Lions Are” to crack the U.S. Hot 100.
Bonus Track #2: 60 - “Romantic Traffic,” Spoons (CanCon!)
This Burlington, Ontario New Wave band had some success domestically, and at one point Nile Rodgers chose to produce an album for them rather that the then-hot Culture Club. Though that album failed to even secure an international release, Rodgers returned to helm two subsequent songs the group wrote for a Canadian film called Listen to the City. One was this breezy pop tune about navigating the gridlock of love. It only made it to #55, but the song and video received substantial airplay, burning its “Doo doo, doo doo, doo de doo doo” hook into the national collective brain.
50 - “Rock You,” Helix (CanCon!)
From Kitchener, Ontario, this hard rock band had been around for a decade and been through several lineup changes (apparently, a pre-Family Ties Michael J. Fox once auditioned to be their bass player). Their breakthrough hit was this big, dumb, beautiful ode to the power of ROCK (“Gimme an R! O! C! K!”). And the video, set in what appears to be a prehistoric slave labor camp and featuring topless women and a closing shot of singer Brian Vollmer doing the splits in midair, is the most stereotypically metal thing you will ever see. This doesn’t rate on the Headbangometer. It IS the Headbangometer.
48 - “Hang on to Your Love,” Sade
This track by Ms, Adu and her eponymous band didn’t chart in the U countries, but made it here. The usual sophisticated soul, this time encouraging romantic determination. As always, something to put on when you want to class up the place with minimal effort.
44 - “Not in Love,” Platinum Blonde (CanCon!)
The fourth single by the poofy-haired Torontonian was this spiffy new waver about romantic denial. Not a big fan of Mark Holmes’ voice, but he doesn’t do too badly on this one. One of the many songs here that induce Grade 8 flashbacks.
42 - “Madam Butterfly,” Malcolm McLaren
After tackling hip-hop and urban American culture, British pop impresario McLaren combined opera and dance beats on this adaptation of the aria “Un bel di vedremo” from Giacomo Puccini’s 1904 work about the doomed romance between a teenage Japanese girl and an American Navy lieutenant. While soprano Betty Ann White sings the aria, McLaren speaks from the point of view of the American Pinkerton, while Debbie Cole sings verses as Cio-Cio-San about her fervent belief that her foreign lover will return to her and the son she bore him. Spoiler Alert: he does, but...well, opera isn’t exactly known for happy endings. A strange, wonderful genre collision, and one that moves me to dust off the Uneasy Rider.
32 - “Catch My Fall,” Billy Idol
The fourth single from Rebel Yell missed the top 40 in the U.S. and U.K., but cracked the Top 30 here. It’s pop-rock about hoping that someone will look out for you when you’re in trouble. Okay, but far from a lost gem.
31 - “Tenderness,” General Public
After the breakup of British ska stars The Beat, vocalists Dave Wakeling and “Ranking” Roger Charlery formed a new group with other members who had just left significant bands (including, at one point, The Clash’s Mick Jones). They had little success at home, but scored a North American hit with this bouncy number about needing love in your life. I loved it the first time I heard it, and I still do. It makes me dance crazily. It’s like a button, I can’t stop pushing it.
29 - “The Power of Love,” Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Their third straight home #1 and third Top Twenty here was this big ballad about love’s ability to cleanse, embolden, protect, and fulfill. Huge and elaborate, but also extremely moving. Possibly their best moment. We all would like someone to keep the vampires from our door.
25 - “Tonight,” David Bowie with Tina Turner
Bowie turns a song about watching a lover die from a heroin overdose that he co-wrote with Iggu Pop for Iggy’s Lust for Life LP into a more innocent-sounding bit of lovers rock he can sing with Tina. It’s growing on me with repeated listens.
24 - “The Word is Out,” Jermaine Stewart
Before his 1986 smash “We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off,” Chicagoan Stewart released this big-beated lament that his down-low lover has taken them public. It just missed the Top 40 at home, but got solidly in it up here. Deservedly so.
19 - “Sexcrime (Nineteen Eighty-Four),” Eurythmics
Though it flopped in America, this track from Annie and Dave’s soundtrack to the film version of George Orwell’s dystopian novel went Top Five in Britain and Top Twenty here. The cold synths and Lennox’s impassioned verses perfectly reflect the theme of humanity trying to break through tyrannical conformity. To put it in Ingsoc, this is doubleplusgood.
11 - “At the Feet of the Moon,” Parachute Club (CanCon!)
The second hit for this Toronto band was another solid example of their mix of dance-pop, idealistic lyrics, and world music influences. I’m not sure if I like this or “Rise Up” better, but it’s definitely better than the one they did with John Oates.
The Top Ten isn’t the one on trial here.
10 - “Ti Amo,” Laura Branigan
Once again, Branigan covers a song originated by Italian singer Umberto “Gloria” Tozzi with English lyrics, this time written by Diane Warren. It’s a power ballad about a breakup. and for some reason it was a major hit only here and in Australia. She goes all out, getting especially raspy whenever she sings the word “under.” Not for me, but I can live with its success.
9 - “Smalltown Boy,” Bronski Beat
We joined the U.K. in making this groundbreaking disco track about escaping a homophobic environment a Top Ten. Jimmy Somerville’s sad-yet-hopeful performance still moves.
8 - “You’re the Inspiration,” Chicago
I’d rather not be, guys. Find someone else to pin this blecch on.
7 - “Do They Know It’s Christmas,” Band Aid
Only America denied the charity collaboration a Triple Crown. And around this time, our own assemblage of stars was gathering as Northern Lights to record our contribution, “Tears are Not Enough.” The big guns were there: Adams, Murray, Lightfoot, Young, Mitchells Joni and Kim. I’ll talk more about it when it inevitably comes up, but for now, I’ll tell you that Geddy Lee is my favourite part.
6 - “Like a Virgin,” Madonna
Her first #1 here and in the U.S. It still combines sexual desire and longing for deeper intimacy in a way few pop songs ever have.
5 - “I Want to Know What Love Is,” Foreigner
The Triple Crown-winning, gospel-enhanced ballad. Maybe it tries too hard to be meaningful, but it gets there anyway.
4 - “Run to You,” Bryan Adams (CanCon!)
His first Top Ten here and in the States. Distilled rock urgency. I still like “Cuts Like a Knife” better, but this is easily the best of Reckless.
3 - “All I Need,” Jack Wagner
The only hit for the General Hospital star was this cross-border Top Five mush lump. There is nothing I need here.
2 - “Easy Lover,” Philip Bailey and Phil Collins
The phenomenal Phils missed the Crown by one American spot. Ohhh, they’ll regret it. At least they should. It’s effective superstar pop that just won’t leave your head.
And on top up here 34 years ago was...
1 - “Careless Whisper,” Wham!
Regardless if it was credited to Wham! or just George, it got a Triple Crown, it’s decent blue-eyed soul, it’s got that sax bit, it just lives. Deal with it.
There you go. Back to Britain next time. See you then.
Thursday, February 21, 2019
AOMA: UKT40 February 15, 1975 Part Two
The others.
20 - “It May Be Winter Outside (But in My Heart it’s Spring)” Love Unlimited
The second and biggest hit here for Barry White’s backing singers was this lush soul track about a man who really knows how to keep his woman warm. Obviously, he makes the best hot chocolate, always has plenty of blankets on hand, and is good at sex. Or maybe just that last thing.
19 - “Boogie On Reggae Woman,” Stevie Wonder
Stevie’s slinky ode to a lovely lady isn’t really reggae, but you will boogie. I didn’t really like this when I first heard it, but I get it now in a big way. What was wrong with me?
18 - “Purely By Coincidence,” Sweet Sensation
The only other hit for the Mancunians behind the Number One “Sad Sweet Dreamer” was this soul smoothie about how, by virtue of fate or Providence, the singer has found “the hand to (his) glove.” It’s less overwhelming than their bigger hit, which is why I like it more.
17 - “Good Love Can Never Die,” Alvin Stardust
Glam guy Al had his sixth hit with this middling pop-rocker. Let’s just say this song does not share the defining quality of good love.
16 - “Help Me Make it Through the Night,” John Holt
Jamaican Holt’s most famous composition is the future Blondie smash “The Tide is High,” but his biggest hit recording was this cover of Kris Kristofferson’s desire declaration. Yes, it works perfectly well as reggae, maybe even better than as country.
15 - “Shame Shame Shame,” Shirley and Company
One of the foundation records of disco, co-sung by one half of the duo behind the 50s smash “Let the Good Times Roll.” Put on your shaky wig and feel the Bo Diddley beat.
14 - “Your Kiss is Sweet,” Syreeta
Pittsburgh-born Rita Wright had been signed to Motown for seven years, but all she had to show for it was a short-lived marriage to Stevie Wonder. She finally scored a hit here with this bit of bubblegum reggae co-written with her ex. Slight, but tasty, with a vocal performance that makes one wonder how she didn’t do better.
13 - “Promised Land,” Elvis Presley
A cover of a 1964 Chuck Berry song about making your way from the South to Los Angeles. It may be the last time Elvis made a record that really sounded like one he would have cut at Sun. It still thrills to hear him letting loose at that late date.
12 - “Star on a TV Show,” The Stylistics
The Philly flashes with another brilliant ballad, although one that pinches its premise from the Temptations’ “The Way You Do the Things You Do.” It was a bigger hit here than at home, and I wonder if that’s because when they compare a lady to a car, that car is a Jaguar.
11 - “Now I’m Here,” Queen
Their third hit was this straight-ahead hard rocker that Brian May wrote about the band’s experience opening for Mott the Hoople on an American tour. Freddie uses it as a declaration of his permanence in the rock pantheon: “Now I’m here, think I’ll stay around.” Oh, and I have now seen Bohemian Rhapsody, and it’s all right. They fool with the time line, as they often do in movies, and there are draggy spots, but it doesn’t overly glorify Freddie to the point of veneration, and the musical sequences are exhilarating. Wouldn’t give it Oscars, though.
10 - “Footsee,” Wigan’s Chosen Few
A sped-up version of a 1968 song by a Canadian band, augmented by sound effects and with the name of the capital of Northern Soul slapped on the credit. Energetic, but inessential. Strictly a cash-in.
9 - “Make Me Smile (Come Up and See Me),” Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel
The only #1 for these glammers was this sunny pop song about giving up on a serious relationship with someone, but still being up for the occasional booty call. Harley’s voice has enough Bolan-style brattiness to dull the sweetness that this track could have drowned in.
8 - “Morning Side of the Mountain,” Donny and Marie
The Mormon siblings with their cover of a cheesy mini-tragedy about lovers fated to never meet. Having siblings sing something like this is, um, problematic if you think too deeply about it. So don’t. It’s best not to even think of this song at all.
7 - “Black Superman (Muhammad Ali),” Johnny Wakelin and the Kinshasa Band
The Sussex man’s big hit about the boxing legend. Ali was better at boasting about himself than this, but it’s still a fun artifact. Floyd wishes a song this good would be written about him. It won’t.
6 - “The Bump,” Kenny
The first of four hits this band had after namesake singer Tony Kenny left them was this glam ode to a dance where your hips contact the hips of others. One must be careful to avoid buttock-to-buttock contact, however, as it may lead to spiritual crises that could lead to pastoral disillusionment. Especially if followed by coveting one’s own wife and swallowing a toothpick.
5 - “Angie Baby,” Helen Reddy
I have written a little bit about how great this is in the past, I must say. What’s surprising is that it was her only Top 40 hit here. But at least they picked the right one. I won’t ask them to explain.
4 - “Goodbye My Love,” The Glitter Band
The biggest hit for Gary’s backup. Sharp glam pop about having to leave your lover temporarily. Very good, and notable for being the rare pop song to mention “the departure lounge.”
3 - “Sugar Candy Kisses,” Mac and Katie Kissoon
The first and biggest home hit for the Trinidadian-British sibling act is a rare entry in the bubblegum lounge soul subgenre. They come off like a black Carpenters, and I mean that as a compliment.
2 - “Please Mr. Postman,” Carpenters
Speaking of which, here are Richard and Karen with their okay Marvelettes cover, which would be the closest they would come to a Triple Crown. They never got to the top here, which surprises me. They seemed made to rule the British charts.
1 - “January,” Pilot
These Scots, formed by two former standby members of the Bay City Rollers, are best known in North America for “Magic,” which went Top Five in the States and #1 in Canada. Their follow-up made no impact over here, but made it all the way over here. This is decent enough pop-rock about a girl, not a month. But it lacks a certain....something...okay, I’ll say it, magic. You know.
We’ll be back next time to wrap up the second round of The Tournament. See you then.
20 - “It May Be Winter Outside (But in My Heart it’s Spring)” Love Unlimited
The second and biggest hit here for Barry White’s backing singers was this lush soul track about a man who really knows how to keep his woman warm. Obviously, he makes the best hot chocolate, always has plenty of blankets on hand, and is good at sex. Or maybe just that last thing.
19 - “Boogie On Reggae Woman,” Stevie Wonder
Stevie’s slinky ode to a lovely lady isn’t really reggae, but you will boogie. I didn’t really like this when I first heard it, but I get it now in a big way. What was wrong with me?
18 - “Purely By Coincidence,” Sweet Sensation
The only other hit for the Mancunians behind the Number One “Sad Sweet Dreamer” was this soul smoothie about how, by virtue of fate or Providence, the singer has found “the hand to (his) glove.” It’s less overwhelming than their bigger hit, which is why I like it more.
17 - “Good Love Can Never Die,” Alvin Stardust
Glam guy Al had his sixth hit with this middling pop-rocker. Let’s just say this song does not share the defining quality of good love.
16 - “Help Me Make it Through the Night,” John Holt
Jamaican Holt’s most famous composition is the future Blondie smash “The Tide is High,” but his biggest hit recording was this cover of Kris Kristofferson’s desire declaration. Yes, it works perfectly well as reggae, maybe even better than as country.
15 - “Shame Shame Shame,” Shirley and Company
One of the foundation records of disco, co-sung by one half of the duo behind the 50s smash “Let the Good Times Roll.” Put on your shaky wig and feel the Bo Diddley beat.
14 - “Your Kiss is Sweet,” Syreeta
Pittsburgh-born Rita Wright had been signed to Motown for seven years, but all she had to show for it was a short-lived marriage to Stevie Wonder. She finally scored a hit here with this bit of bubblegum reggae co-written with her ex. Slight, but tasty, with a vocal performance that makes one wonder how she didn’t do better.
13 - “Promised Land,” Elvis Presley
A cover of a 1964 Chuck Berry song about making your way from the South to Los Angeles. It may be the last time Elvis made a record that really sounded like one he would have cut at Sun. It still thrills to hear him letting loose at that late date.
12 - “Star on a TV Show,” The Stylistics
The Philly flashes with another brilliant ballad, although one that pinches its premise from the Temptations’ “The Way You Do the Things You Do.” It was a bigger hit here than at home, and I wonder if that’s because when they compare a lady to a car, that car is a Jaguar.
11 - “Now I’m Here,” Queen
Their third hit was this straight-ahead hard rocker that Brian May wrote about the band’s experience opening for Mott the Hoople on an American tour. Freddie uses it as a declaration of his permanence in the rock pantheon: “Now I’m here, think I’ll stay around.” Oh, and I have now seen Bohemian Rhapsody, and it’s all right. They fool with the time line, as they often do in movies, and there are draggy spots, but it doesn’t overly glorify Freddie to the point of veneration, and the musical sequences are exhilarating. Wouldn’t give it Oscars, though.
10 - “Footsee,” Wigan’s Chosen Few
A sped-up version of a 1968 song by a Canadian band, augmented by sound effects and with the name of the capital of Northern Soul slapped on the credit. Energetic, but inessential. Strictly a cash-in.
9 - “Make Me Smile (Come Up and See Me),” Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel
The only #1 for these glammers was this sunny pop song about giving up on a serious relationship with someone, but still being up for the occasional booty call. Harley’s voice has enough Bolan-style brattiness to dull the sweetness that this track could have drowned in.
8 - “Morning Side of the Mountain,” Donny and Marie
The Mormon siblings with their cover of a cheesy mini-tragedy about lovers fated to never meet. Having siblings sing something like this is, um, problematic if you think too deeply about it. So don’t. It’s best not to even think of this song at all.
7 - “Black Superman (Muhammad Ali),” Johnny Wakelin and the Kinshasa Band
The Sussex man’s big hit about the boxing legend. Ali was better at boasting about himself than this, but it’s still a fun artifact. Floyd wishes a song this good would be written about him. It won’t.
6 - “The Bump,” Kenny
The first of four hits this band had after namesake singer Tony Kenny left them was this glam ode to a dance where your hips contact the hips of others. One must be careful to avoid buttock-to-buttock contact, however, as it may lead to spiritual crises that could lead to pastoral disillusionment. Especially if followed by coveting one’s own wife and swallowing a toothpick.
5 - “Angie Baby,” Helen Reddy
I have written a little bit about how great this is in the past, I must say. What’s surprising is that it was her only Top 40 hit here. But at least they picked the right one. I won’t ask them to explain.
4 - “Goodbye My Love,” The Glitter Band
The biggest hit for Gary’s backup. Sharp glam pop about having to leave your lover temporarily. Very good, and notable for being the rare pop song to mention “the departure lounge.”
3 - “Sugar Candy Kisses,” Mac and Katie Kissoon
The first and biggest home hit for the Trinidadian-British sibling act is a rare entry in the bubblegum lounge soul subgenre. They come off like a black Carpenters, and I mean that as a compliment.
2 - “Please Mr. Postman,” Carpenters
Speaking of which, here are Richard and Karen with their okay Marvelettes cover, which would be the closest they would come to a Triple Crown. They never got to the top here, which surprises me. They seemed made to rule the British charts.
1 - “January,” Pilot
These Scots, formed by two former standby members of the Bay City Rollers, are best known in North America for “Magic,” which went Top Five in the States and #1 in Canada. Their follow-up made no impact over here, but made it all the way over here. This is decent enough pop-rock about a girl, not a month. But it lacks a certain....something...okay, I’ll say it, magic. You know.
We’ll be back next time to wrap up the second round of The Tournament. See you then.
Thursday, February 14, 2019
AOMA: UKT40 February 15, 1975 Part One
February 1975. Britain’s coal miners just received a 35% pay increase from the Labour government. That same week, the opposition Conservatives elected a certain woman as their new leader. These two storylines would intersect one or two times in the next several years. Are there any similar portents of the future in the pop charts? Let’s see.
40 - “Stardust,” David Essex
Dave’s Cook’s fourth Top Ten was this glam track about a destructive rock life style, which was the title song for a movie in which Essex played a destructive rock star. It’s like a darker, better “Rock On.” Yes, it owes a lot to Bowie, but he hardly embarrasses himself.
39 - “Rock and Roll (I Gave You the Best Years of My Life,” Kevin Johnson
I have to admit that I thought Mac Davis wrote this song, but apparently, it was written and originated by this guy from Queensland, Australia. He sounds weary and resigned, which is perfect for the lyric about a never-was. Better than Mac, and the less said about Terry Jacks, the better.
38 - “How Does it Feel,” Slade
The song that ended their run of twelve straight Top Fives was this reflective, piano-driven ballad. It sounds like the end of a chapter, and it really was. I’m not surprised that it’s been re-evaluated and now considered one of their best. It was surely a shock, but it’s a different kind of anthem than they had done before. More for closing time than happy hour.
37 - “Are You Ready to Rock,” Wizzard
The glam band’s final Top Ten is a retro-rocker that sounds like a lost Bill Haley and His Comets track...until the bagpipes come in. Authenticity with a surprise twist. I like that,
36 - “#9 Dream,” John Lennon
This strange song about one of John’s nocturnal fantasies, featuring a nonsense chorus and backing vocals by mistress May Pang, failed to make the Top Twenty here or in Canada, but in America it peaked, appropriately, at #9. I tip my Poussay hat to the Yanks.
35 - “South African Man,” Hamilton Bohannon
The first of three hits for this man from Georgia who once played in a band with Jimi Hendrix was this funk number that seems to be a plea to help out the oppressed minority in South Africa. I say “seems” because there are very few lyrics, and they are sparsely sung. But if he was going for the George Clinton “Free your ass and your mind will follow” approach, then job well done.
34 - “Love Games,” The Drifters
Another one from these guys’ late 70s Brit run. Sweet soul about wanting to reunite with a childhood sweetheart with the freedom adulthood allows. It would have been nice if they’d picked up the odd pop hit on this side of the pond at this time.
33 - “Streets of London,” Ralph McTell
Born Ralph May in Kent, this folk-blues guitarist took on the surname of Blind Willie McTell and was an active performer for over a decade before he had his one big hit with this evocative acoustic portrait of the poor and marginalized of Britain’s capital. A great, simple song.
32 - “Leggo Skanga,” Rupie Edwards
This is breezy Jamaican reggae with inscrutable lyrics to these ears. I think it’s about dancing. Does it matter? No. Just ride de riddim, as they certainly say much better in Kingston.
31 - “Your Mama Won’t Like Me,” Suzi Quatro
The seventh hit for Detroit’s Suzi Q. was this Nicky Chinn/Mike Chapman pop-rock concoction about how Suze is the type of sexually-aggressive young lady parents generally don’t approve of. And she sounds every bit the part. This somehow didn’t even crack the Top 30. That seems wrong. This seems like the Suzi manifesto.
30 - “My Last Night With You,” Arrows
The second and last hit for this Anglo-American band was this bland rock ballad. They remain little but a pop footnote to me, by virtue of originating the future Joan Jett smash “I Love Rock n’Roll.”
29 - “Shoorah, Shoorah,” Betty Wright
Miamian Bessie Norris is best known at home for “Clean Up Woman,” but that wasn’t one of her two hits here. This was. It’s badass soul about seeing through shallow Lotharios, written by New Orleans legend Allen Toussaint. Hoorah, hoorah.”
28 - “Ms. Grace,” The Tymes
The Philly soul vets made their last Top 40 here count, taking this soul strut about a head-turning lady all the way to #1. As gorgeous as I imagine the woman they’re singing about to be.
27 - “Never Can Say Goodbye,” Gloria Gaynor
Definitely one of the first singles I really loved. And I still have it just above the Jackson 5 original, although they’re masterful in different ways. Britain almost made my day 44 years in the future by pushing it to #2, but that’s still the highest of the Triple Crown countries, so good show.
26 - “The Secrets That You Keep,” Mud
The Surrey glammers fifth Top Five is retro like Wizzard, and a Chinn/Chapman product like Quatro. Good song, but I’m not sure if I’m impressed or annoyed by Les Gray’s Elvis impersonation.
25 - “Please Tell Him That I Said Hello,” Dana
More easy listening from this Irishwoman. She’s like Olivia Newton-John with the rough edges shaved off. A musical ugly sweater.
24 - “I’m Stone in Love with You,” Johnny Mathis
Johnny went Top Ten with a number The Stylistics had got there two years before. It’s an awkward fit. Johnny can croon about the moon, but I can’t believe him wanting to buy a house there.
23 - “Something for the Girl With Everything,” Sparks
The fourth hit for the marvellous Mael Brothers was this hyperactive art-rocker about showering a lady with gifts. I’m sad that these guys were missing from my life for so long. If they’re still not in yours, strongly consider correcting that.
22 - “Roll On Down the Highway,” Bachman-Turner Overdrive
The last of BTO’s mere two hits here was this trucking boogie. I can sort of hear similar things in this that I can in glam rock, so maybe that’s how this one snuck in.
21 - “My Eyes Adored You,” Frankie Valli
This attempt at 70s soul balladry by the Jersey boy was #1 in America, #2 in Canada, and #5 here. Fair enough. I’ve landed on it being fairly decent after being extreme about it both ways at different times. And by the way, I’m calling it’s 1-2-5 chart achievement an “Up to Lexington.” Look it up if you need to.
In Part Two: lovin’, fightin’, and dancin’.
40 - “Stardust,” David Essex
Dave’s Cook’s fourth Top Ten was this glam track about a destructive rock life style, which was the title song for a movie in which Essex played a destructive rock star. It’s like a darker, better “Rock On.” Yes, it owes a lot to Bowie, but he hardly embarrasses himself.
39 - “Rock and Roll (I Gave You the Best Years of My Life,” Kevin Johnson
I have to admit that I thought Mac Davis wrote this song, but apparently, it was written and originated by this guy from Queensland, Australia. He sounds weary and resigned, which is perfect for the lyric about a never-was. Better than Mac, and the less said about Terry Jacks, the better.
38 - “How Does it Feel,” Slade
The song that ended their run of twelve straight Top Fives was this reflective, piano-driven ballad. It sounds like the end of a chapter, and it really was. I’m not surprised that it’s been re-evaluated and now considered one of their best. It was surely a shock, but it’s a different kind of anthem than they had done before. More for closing time than happy hour.
37 - “Are You Ready to Rock,” Wizzard
The glam band’s final Top Ten is a retro-rocker that sounds like a lost Bill Haley and His Comets track...until the bagpipes come in. Authenticity with a surprise twist. I like that,
36 - “#9 Dream,” John Lennon
This strange song about one of John’s nocturnal fantasies, featuring a nonsense chorus and backing vocals by mistress May Pang, failed to make the Top Twenty here or in Canada, but in America it peaked, appropriately, at #9. I tip my Poussay hat to the Yanks.
35 - “South African Man,” Hamilton Bohannon
The first of three hits for this man from Georgia who once played in a band with Jimi Hendrix was this funk number that seems to be a plea to help out the oppressed minority in South Africa. I say “seems” because there are very few lyrics, and they are sparsely sung. But if he was going for the George Clinton “Free your ass and your mind will follow” approach, then job well done.
34 - “Love Games,” The Drifters
Another one from these guys’ late 70s Brit run. Sweet soul about wanting to reunite with a childhood sweetheart with the freedom adulthood allows. It would have been nice if they’d picked up the odd pop hit on this side of the pond at this time.
33 - “Streets of London,” Ralph McTell
Born Ralph May in Kent, this folk-blues guitarist took on the surname of Blind Willie McTell and was an active performer for over a decade before he had his one big hit with this evocative acoustic portrait of the poor and marginalized of Britain’s capital. A great, simple song.
32 - “Leggo Skanga,” Rupie Edwards
This is breezy Jamaican reggae with inscrutable lyrics to these ears. I think it’s about dancing. Does it matter? No. Just ride de riddim, as they certainly say much better in Kingston.
31 - “Your Mama Won’t Like Me,” Suzi Quatro
The seventh hit for Detroit’s Suzi Q. was this Nicky Chinn/Mike Chapman pop-rock concoction about how Suze is the type of sexually-aggressive young lady parents generally don’t approve of. And she sounds every bit the part. This somehow didn’t even crack the Top 30. That seems wrong. This seems like the Suzi manifesto.
30 - “My Last Night With You,” Arrows
The second and last hit for this Anglo-American band was this bland rock ballad. They remain little but a pop footnote to me, by virtue of originating the future Joan Jett smash “I Love Rock n’Roll.”
29 - “Shoorah, Shoorah,” Betty Wright
Miamian Bessie Norris is best known at home for “Clean Up Woman,” but that wasn’t one of her two hits here. This was. It’s badass soul about seeing through shallow Lotharios, written by New Orleans legend Allen Toussaint. Hoorah, hoorah.”
28 - “Ms. Grace,” The Tymes
The Philly soul vets made their last Top 40 here count, taking this soul strut about a head-turning lady all the way to #1. As gorgeous as I imagine the woman they’re singing about to be.
27 - “Never Can Say Goodbye,” Gloria Gaynor
Definitely one of the first singles I really loved. And I still have it just above the Jackson 5 original, although they’re masterful in different ways. Britain almost made my day 44 years in the future by pushing it to #2, but that’s still the highest of the Triple Crown countries, so good show.
26 - “The Secrets That You Keep,” Mud
The Surrey glammers fifth Top Five is retro like Wizzard, and a Chinn/Chapman product like Quatro. Good song, but I’m not sure if I’m impressed or annoyed by Les Gray’s Elvis impersonation.
25 - “Please Tell Him That I Said Hello,” Dana
More easy listening from this Irishwoman. She’s like Olivia Newton-John with the rough edges shaved off. A musical ugly sweater.
24 - “I’m Stone in Love with You,” Johnny Mathis
Johnny went Top Ten with a number The Stylistics had got there two years before. It’s an awkward fit. Johnny can croon about the moon, but I can’t believe him wanting to buy a house there.
23 - “Something for the Girl With Everything,” Sparks
The fourth hit for the marvellous Mael Brothers was this hyperactive art-rocker about showering a lady with gifts. I’m sad that these guys were missing from my life for so long. If they’re still not in yours, strongly consider correcting that.
22 - “Roll On Down the Highway,” Bachman-Turner Overdrive
The last of BTO’s mere two hits here was this trucking boogie. I can sort of hear similar things in this that I can in glam rock, so maybe that’s how this one snuck in.
21 - “My Eyes Adored You,” Frankie Valli
This attempt at 70s soul balladry by the Jersey boy was #1 in America, #2 in Canada, and #5 here. Fair enough. I’ve landed on it being fairly decent after being extreme about it both ways at different times. And by the way, I’m calling it’s 1-2-5 chart achievement an “Up to Lexington.” Look it up if you need to.
In Part Two: lovin’, fightin’, and dancin’.
Saturday, February 9, 2019
AOMA: UKT40 January 28, 1989 Part Two
Another twenty.
20 - “Respect,” Adeva
20 - “Respect,” Adeva
The first hit from New Jerseyite Patricia Collins was this house cover of the Aretha Franklin classic. She doesn’t really hold to the melody, so it just sounds like a thousand other dance tracks.
19 - “Where is the Love,” Mica Paris and Will Downing
Londoner Michelle Wallen teamed up with American Downing on this cover of a 1972 Roberta Flack/Donny Hathaway hit. Sung well, but adds nothing that the original didn’t provide much more of.
18 - “Four Letter Word,” Kim Wilde
The second-generation star’s seventh Top Ten was this heartbreak ballad. It has its moments. The opening couplet “I tell ya/It’s hell, yeah” is a bit awkward. But the use of the phrase “the pits of the world” made me smile in remembrance of one of John McEnroe’s most famous Wimbledon tantrums.
17 - “That’s the Way Love Is,” Ten City
A funkier version of house music was starting to emerge from major cities in Middle America, and one of the biggest hits of this wave came from this Chicago outfit. It’s got great bass and piano, and overtop is a real song about romance gone sour, sung soulfully by the fantastically named Byron Stingily. This rises well above its genre.
16 - “Baby Don’t Forget My Number,” Milli Vanilli
This was the first of three straight U.S. #1’s for the infamous German duo, but it only got this high here. I guess they had developed more of an immunity from Frank Farian scams because of greater exposure to Boney M.
15 - “Be My Twin,” Brother Beyond
The third hit for this boy band was this musically cliched but lyrically bizarre tune about wanting something more than a mere lover. Is it projected narcissism? What does a “petrol blue” smile look like? And why does he want to “cross your heart with a credit card?” More interesting than it has any right to be.
14 - “Get on the Dance Floor,” Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock
The Harlem duo of Robert Ginyard and Rodney Bryce are best remembered for the hip-hop classic “It Takes Two,” but this call to boogie was an even bigger hit than that here. It’s okay, but history has made the right choice.
13 - “Wait!” Robert Howard and Kym Mazelle
Under his real name, Blow Monkeys frontman Dr. Robert teamed up with American singer Mazelle on this energetic disco track about a couple who can’t get in sync. Don’t hesitate, find this now and bust some moves. It’s good for you.
12 - “Good Life,” Inner City
The second and biggest hit for the Detroit duo of producer Kevin Saunderson and singer Paris Grey was this slice of the techno-house sound that was emerging from the Motor City. Repeat what I told you to do with the previous song and keep the party going, even if you’re the only one there.
11 - “Waiting for a Star to Fall,” Boy Meets Girl
The only U.K. hit for this Seattle duo who had written hits for Whitney Houston was this drippy MOR track. Very 80s, in all the worst ways possible, Don’t bother with this, unless you want to end your party and clear the room.
10 - “Love Train,” Holly Johnson
After leaving Frankie Goes to Hollywood and extricating himself from that recording contract, Johnson scored his hpfirst solo hit with this exuberant dance-pop celebration of romance. Bouncy, bubbly, and beautiful. Stoke it up.
9 - “Baby I Love Your Way/Freebird,” Will To Power
This Miami dance-pop thing had a North American #1 with this soulless, pointless medley of hits by Peter Frampton and Lynyrd Skynyrd. Awful. God save Britain for denying it the Triple Crown. This might have even bottomed “Seasons in the Sun.”
8 - “Buffalo Stance,” Neneh Cherry
And we swing hard back to the sublime with the amazing breakthrough single from the mighty Ms. Cherry. Apparently, it’s just about how cool she and her crew are. From this evidence, that’s undeniable. Funk, attitude, swagger, a huge hook, multiple bridges. It all adds up to one of the decade’s greatest singles. Didn’t win a Triple Crown, but got to #3 in all three charts. That works for me. A Perfect Cube for a perfect song.
7 - “Cuddly Toy,” Roachford
Fronted by London singer Andrew Roachford, this group scored its first and biggest hit with this exuberant soul-rocker promising devotion to a prospective lover. Mr. Roachford’s passionate vocal helps boost it up from good to very good. I feel for it.
Fronted by London singer Andrew Roachford, this group scored its first and biggest hit with this exuberant soul-rocker promising devotion to a prospective lover. Mr. Roachford’s passionate vocal helps boost it up from good to very good. I feel for it.
6 - “Crackers International EP,” Erasure
The dance-pop duo scored their second #2 with this extended-player, headlined by “Stop!” a burbling synthpop promise of romantic reunion. More proof of Andy Bell’s pop-singing brilliance.
5 - “She Drives Me Crazy,” Fine Young Cannibals
The track that broke the band in America and scored two-thirds of a Triple Crown had to settle for being their only Top Five at home. I feel it deserved better. It’s a snappy pop song, and it’s hard to deny that unique percussion sound. Apparently it was achieved by attaching a speaker and a microphone to a snare drum, but I still like to picture a guy surrounded by balloons and having to pop them one by one to the beat.
4 - “You Got It,” Roy Orbison
Just weeks after his death from a heart attack, the powerfully-piped Texan was high in the charts for the first time in over two decades with this drama-rock pledge of fealty, co-written by his fellow Travelling Wilburys Tom Petty and Jeff Lynne. It’s a great showcase for the timeless Orbison tenor, and that’s all it needed to be. And suddenly, I’m imagining what would have happened if Roy and Freddie Mercury had collaborated on a single. With Jim Steinman. I think I just blew my own mind.
3 - “Especially for You,” Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan
The actors who played the principals in that wedding Angry Anderson soundtracked teamed up for this okay romantic ballad. I probably think higher of it having just been reminded of “Waiting for a Star to Fall.” They were stars, this was driven by some degree of public demand, it succeeded. Can’t get too upset about it, even if I wanted to.
2 - “The Living Years,” Mike and the Mechanics
The biggest hit for Genesis drummer Mike Rutherford’s side piece was this overblown power ballad about having regrets about all the things left unresolved when one’s father passes away. I wondered if changes in my own life thirty years later would change my opinion of this, and...nope. It’s still contrived, forced tearjerking, with a children’s choir added just to coax out a few extra drops. Another Triple Crown mercifully denied by the Brits, and yes, this definitely would have knocked off Terry Jacks. That’s another gift basket you owe, Terry.
And thirty years ago, they were all looking up at...
The biggest hit for Genesis drummer Mike Rutherford’s side piece was this overblown power ballad about having regrets about all the things left unresolved when one’s father passes away. I wondered if changes in my own life thirty years later would change my opinion of this, and...nope. It’s still contrived, forced tearjerking, with a children’s choir added just to coax out a few extra drops. Another Triple Crown mercifully denied by the Brits, and yes, this definitely would have knocked off Terry Jacks. That’s another gift basket you owe, Terry.
And thirty years ago, they were all looking up at...
1 - “Something’s Got a Hold of My Heart,” Marc Almond and Gene Pitney
Five years after leaving Soft Cell, Almond got to the Top by teaming up with the Connecticut singer on a cover of a song Pitney himself took into the Top Five here in 1967. It’s lush and wonderful in that old school way, but Pitney blows Almond away vocally in a way that says, “You May have done me a favour, son, but don’t have any illusions about who the real master is.”
Another closing, another show. More Britain in our next episode. Ta.
Five years after leaving Soft Cell, Almond got to the Top by teaming up with the Connecticut singer on a cover of a song Pitney himself took into the Top Five here in 1967. It’s lush and wonderful in that old school way, but Pitney blows Almond away vocally in a way that says, “You May have done me a favour, son, but don’t have any illusions about who the real master is.”
Another closing, another show. More Britain in our next episode. Ta.
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
AOMA: UKT40 January 28, 1989 Part One
End of January, 1989. John Cleese had just one a libel suit against a tabloid that had claimed he was becoming like his comically overbearing striver character Basil Fawlty. I bet they intentionally set him off by mentioning the war. Meanwhile, in Torquay as well as the rest of Britain, people,were listening to this:
40 - “Fisherman’s Blues,” The Waterboys
The Edinburgh band’s second hit was this traditional folk track about longing for a humbler, working class existence. A rousing rush of organic adrenaline.
39 - “I Only Wanna be With You,” Samantha Fox
The eighth hit by the queen of Page Three was this SAW-produced cover of the 1963 Duaty Springfield hit. Obviously the Tourists did it better, but it’s sad when you can say the same for the Bay City Rollers.
38 - “It’s Only Love,” Simply Red
Mick Hucknall’s outfit had their sixth hit with a sultry cover of a 1978 Barry White track. They do it okay, but I like it a little less just knowing that a certainly sexier version exists. It’s a makeout session, but it doesn’t go all the way.
37 - “After the War,” Gary Moore
This solo hit but the ex-Thin Lizzy guitarist is a lightly metallic tune about the withdrawal military men feel at the end of a major conflict. A 2 on the Headbangometer, and just a lot of pomposity and guitar wankery. Phil Lynott’s effortless cool is greatly missed.
36 - “Hit the Ground,” The Darling Buds
Named for the 1958 novel The Darling Buds of May, this Welsh band had their only Top 40 with this deceptively sunny post-breakup power-pop number.. It might have been bigger if it had come out five or six years later, because it would fit in very well with Britpop.
35 - “Grip ‘89 (Get a) Grip (On Yourself),” The Stranglers
The Surrey vets got eleven places higher than the #44 placing of the original version of their debut single. A nice chugging rocker about being a poor rocker. I like the retro, harmonized “ooooohs” a lot. The saxophone, not so much.
34 - “The Lover in Me,” Sheena Easton
The most recent hit for the Scotswoman sees her turning from Prince and to New Jack Swing auteurs L.A. and Babyface. She retains some of the swagger she learned from her previous collaborator, but she doesn’t quite fit this sound as well.
33 - “Born This Way (Let’s Dance),” Cookie Crew
The second of three hits for the London female rap duo of Debbie “MC Remedee”Pryce and Susan “Susie Q” Banfield was this pretty basic hip-hop/dance boast track. They do a respectable job, but not much more.
32 - “You are the One,” A-ha
The twelfth hit here for the Norwegians was this jaunty, lovey-covey synthpopper. It might be lazy to say it’s a blander xerox of “Take on Me,” but then again, so is blandly xeroxing “Take on Me.”
31 - “Stupid Questions,” New Model Army
The second hit for these Bradford boys was this anthemic takedown of someone who is only pretending to be naive. I think that’s it. It’s singable, big-chorused Rock with a capital R, and there is always a place for that in my ears, as long it’s done right. And this is.
30 - “Break 4 Love,” Raze
The second hit for this American dance act was this more-soulful than most house track. There’s not a lot to it, but that makes it rather refreshing. The sex sounds near the end are a little much, though.
29 - “Rhythm is Gonna Get You,” Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
This did not become the Machine’s third hit here until a year and a half after its American release. As mute title indicates, it could not be denied.
28 - “Tracie,” Level 42
Some funkier than usual stuff from Mark King’s court on his sweet reminiscence of a schoolboy crush. I have to say that I think they got better as their commercial fortunes declined.
27 - “My Prerogative,” Bobby Brown
The first Top Ten here for the ex-New Editionite was this strutting mission statement. Maybe not his best track, but certainly his defining one. He’s really not zooped. Really he isn’t. And I still say that
Seinfeld ripped it off for their closing theme.
26 - “All She Wants Is,” Duran Duran
The Duranies eighteenth hit was this dark rocker with some housey touches. The monotonous chorus burrows into your brain to the point where you get frustrated by the fact that the repeated sentence fragment is never completed. What the fuck does she want?
25 - “Suddenly,” Angry Anderson
Aussie Gary Anderson made his reputation as a hard rocker with the band Rose Tattoo, but his biggest international moment came when this power ballad was used as the weeding song for the nuptials of the Neighbours characters played by Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan. It’s just a little bit over the sappy line, but Anderson’s voice sounds like a less raspy Ozzy Osbourne, so that cuts the treacle a bit. We’ll hear more from those Neighbours kids later.
24 - “Keep the Dream Alive,” Freiheit
Named for the German word for “freedom,” this Munich band had their only international hit with this grand persistence anthem. It was later used in the movie Say Anything..., and it captures that film’s theme of dogged determination. Well over the top, but in an endearing way. You really believe the game will never be over.
23 - “I Live for Your Love,” Natalie Cole
Another boring ballad from Nat’s daughter. At least when she made the big commercial pivot involving duets with her dead dad, she was singing decent songs.
22 - “Loco in Acapulco,” The Four Tops
The Tops’ final hit was this pop lark about trying to escape reality in Mexico. It was co-written by Phil Collins for Buster, his attempt to launch an acting career. It’s actually a pretty good retro-soul track, but a lot of that might be down to the mighty Levi Stubbs. Few can elevate mediocre material higher,
21 - “Big Area,” Then Jerico
The second and biggest hit for this London band was this rock tune about being lonely and frustrated or something. They don’t make it matter enough for me to care. It’s bargain-brand Simple Minds to me.
In Part Two: covers, comebacks, and the new sound of the urban American Midwest.
40 - “Fisherman’s Blues,” The Waterboys
The Edinburgh band’s second hit was this traditional folk track about longing for a humbler, working class existence. A rousing rush of organic adrenaline.
39 - “I Only Wanna be With You,” Samantha Fox
The eighth hit by the queen of Page Three was this SAW-produced cover of the 1963 Duaty Springfield hit. Obviously the Tourists did it better, but it’s sad when you can say the same for the Bay City Rollers.
38 - “It’s Only Love,” Simply Red
Mick Hucknall’s outfit had their sixth hit with a sultry cover of a 1978 Barry White track. They do it okay, but I like it a little less just knowing that a certainly sexier version exists. It’s a makeout session, but it doesn’t go all the way.
37 - “After the War,” Gary Moore
This solo hit but the ex-Thin Lizzy guitarist is a lightly metallic tune about the withdrawal military men feel at the end of a major conflict. A 2 on the Headbangometer, and just a lot of pomposity and guitar wankery. Phil Lynott’s effortless cool is greatly missed.
36 - “Hit the Ground,” The Darling Buds
Named for the 1958 novel The Darling Buds of May, this Welsh band had their only Top 40 with this deceptively sunny post-breakup power-pop number.. It might have been bigger if it had come out five or six years later, because it would fit in very well with Britpop.
35 - “Grip ‘89 (Get a) Grip (On Yourself),” The Stranglers
The Surrey vets got eleven places higher than the #44 placing of the original version of their debut single. A nice chugging rocker about being a poor rocker. I like the retro, harmonized “ooooohs” a lot. The saxophone, not so much.
34 - “The Lover in Me,” Sheena Easton
The most recent hit for the Scotswoman sees her turning from Prince and to New Jack Swing auteurs L.A. and Babyface. She retains some of the swagger she learned from her previous collaborator, but she doesn’t quite fit this sound as well.
33 - “Born This Way (Let’s Dance),” Cookie Crew
The second of three hits for the London female rap duo of Debbie “MC Remedee”Pryce and Susan “Susie Q” Banfield was this pretty basic hip-hop/dance boast track. They do a respectable job, but not much more.
32 - “You are the One,” A-ha
The twelfth hit here for the Norwegians was this jaunty, lovey-covey synthpopper. It might be lazy to say it’s a blander xerox of “Take on Me,” but then again, so is blandly xeroxing “Take on Me.”
31 - “Stupid Questions,” New Model Army
The second hit for these Bradford boys was this anthemic takedown of someone who is only pretending to be naive. I think that’s it. It’s singable, big-chorused Rock with a capital R, and there is always a place for that in my ears, as long it’s done right. And this is.
30 - “Break 4 Love,” Raze
The second hit for this American dance act was this more-soulful than most house track. There’s not a lot to it, but that makes it rather refreshing. The sex sounds near the end are a little much, though.
29 - “Rhythm is Gonna Get You,” Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
This did not become the Machine’s third hit here until a year and a half after its American release. As mute title indicates, it could not be denied.
28 - “Tracie,” Level 42
Some funkier than usual stuff from Mark King’s court on his sweet reminiscence of a schoolboy crush. I have to say that I think they got better as their commercial fortunes declined.
27 - “My Prerogative,” Bobby Brown
The first Top Ten here for the ex-New Editionite was this strutting mission statement. Maybe not his best track, but certainly his defining one. He’s really not zooped. Really he isn’t. And I still say that
Seinfeld ripped it off for their closing theme.
26 - “All She Wants Is,” Duran Duran
The Duranies eighteenth hit was this dark rocker with some housey touches. The monotonous chorus burrows into your brain to the point where you get frustrated by the fact that the repeated sentence fragment is never completed. What the fuck does she want?
25 - “Suddenly,” Angry Anderson
Aussie Gary Anderson made his reputation as a hard rocker with the band Rose Tattoo, but his biggest international moment came when this power ballad was used as the weeding song for the nuptials of the Neighbours characters played by Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan. It’s just a little bit over the sappy line, but Anderson’s voice sounds like a less raspy Ozzy Osbourne, so that cuts the treacle a bit. We’ll hear more from those Neighbours kids later.
24 - “Keep the Dream Alive,” Freiheit
Named for the German word for “freedom,” this Munich band had their only international hit with this grand persistence anthem. It was later used in the movie Say Anything..., and it captures that film’s theme of dogged determination. Well over the top, but in an endearing way. You really believe the game will never be over.
23 - “I Live for Your Love,” Natalie Cole
Another boring ballad from Nat’s daughter. At least when she made the big commercial pivot involving duets with her dead dad, she was singing decent songs.
22 - “Loco in Acapulco,” The Four Tops
The Tops’ final hit was this pop lark about trying to escape reality in Mexico. It was co-written by Phil Collins for Buster, his attempt to launch an acting career. It’s actually a pretty good retro-soul track, but a lot of that might be down to the mighty Levi Stubbs. Few can elevate mediocre material higher,
21 - “Big Area,” Then Jerico
The second and biggest hit for this London band was this rock tune about being lonely and frustrated or something. They don’t make it matter enough for me to care. It’s bargain-brand Simple Minds to me.
In Part Two: covers, comebacks, and the new sound of the urban American Midwest.
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
The OMUSURT: Round Two, Part 3
The third quarter of the draw. Kids, animals, food, sports, jobs, aliens, and more.
THE PINA COLADA OR DOM PERIGNON BOWL
“Your Bulldog Drinks Champagne,” Jim Stafford, 1975
vs. “Werewolves of London,” Warren Zevon, 1978
Stafford’s #24 about an alcoholic anime versus Zevon’s #21 about British lycanthropes.
Final Score: Werewolves 34, Bulldog 28. A close contest, but in the end, prematurely dipping into the celebratory postgame bubbly started to take its toll on the Stafford squad, and Zevon’s team clawed their way to a victory. They earned their beef chow mein.
THE DID HE GET UP EARLY ENOUGH BOWL
“Tennessee Birdwalk,” Jack Blanchard and Misty Morgan, 1970
vs. “Funky Worm,” The Ohio Players, 1973
A #23 country tune about defective birds meets a #15 funk tune about a truly earthy musician.
Final Score: Worm 45, Birdwalk 6. The Ohio boys just had too much funk for the grounded, directionally challenged Tennessee contingent. And much to the relief of their star player’s manager, the Worm team were indeed paid for their efforts.
THE EAT THE DISHES FOR ME BOWL
“The Candy Man,” Sammy Davis Jr., 1972
vs. “Save Your Kisses for Me,” Brotherhood of Man, 1976
The Rat Packer’s #1 about confections takes on a #27 about kiddie smooches.
Final Score: Candy 66, Kisses 0. The youthful Brotherhood were easily distracted by the wide variety of sweets offered by Davis, and they had nothing left in reserve after gorging themselves. But defeat has never tasted so satisfying and delicious.
THE JIM HENSON MEMORIAL BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs, “Rainbow Connection,” Kermit the Frog, 1979
The Muppeteer’s #16 portrayal of Bert’s roommate and his love of bath toys faces his voicing of a famous amphibian’s ode to lovers and dreamers.
Final Score: Duckie 21, Rainbow 17. An entertaining contest that was even educational at some points. In the end, Ernie’s side got the bounces, while the Rainbow team occasionally had moments where they seemed to be distracted by something they thought they saw in the sky.
THE STICK IT TO THOSE BOZOS BOWL
“School’s Out,” Alice Cooper, 1972
vs. “Send in the Clowns,” Judy Collins, 1975
A #7 about the end of education faces a #19 show tune referencing harlequins
Final Score: School 38, Clowns 3. Collins’ team played like they didn’t even show up, and they were dominated by the unleashed fury of the Cooper crew. The most notable thing about the game was the national anthem beforehand, when the colour guard was unable to locate the Stars and Stripes. Because of this, the School kids declined to stand for the anthem, saying they wouldn’t salute people who couldn’t find the flag.
THE TRUCK OFF BOWL
“Wolf Creek Pass,” C.W. McCall, 1975
vs. “Teddy Bear,” Red Sovine, 1976
A #40 about hauling poultry meets a #40 about a trucker organizing a surprise for a sick child.
Final Score: Bear 41, Wolf 37. A close battle. McCall’s team, fuelled by the unusual combination of grape soda and onion soup mix, put it all on the line to reach their desired destination of victory, but the Sovine attack was relentless, plowing through any defenses it encountered and leaving their opponents in tears, wondering how they ever even thought of denying Teddy Bear what he wanted.
THE LOVE AND DEATH IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM BOWL
“Wildfire,” Michael Murphey, 1975
vs. “Muskrat Love,” The Captain and Tennille, 1976
A #3 about a ghost and her horse versus a #4 about rodents dating and mating
Final Score: Muskrat 35, Wildfire 13. Possibly inspired by the recent death of their team’s co-founder, Susie, Sam, and the rest of their muskrat pals whirled, twirled and tangoed around their dazzled opponents. But the Murphey team seemed to be fine with losing as they rode off to some far horizon.
THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD LEADS TO A SHARK’S MOUTH BOWL
“Mr. Jaws,” Dickie Goodman, 1975
vs. “Themes from The Wizard of Oz,” Meco, 1978
The #4 about a film featuring an aggressive fish meets a #35 recording of music from a movie featuring a cowardly lion.
Final Score: Jaws 49, Wizard 2. The road ends for the Oz squad, who were unable to conjure a way to avoid having all their efforts devoured by the hungry Great Whites. Once again, we are pleased to have an exclusive postgame interview with the winning coach. Let’s hear that now:
Coach Goodman, what did you say this time to the coach of the team you just defeated?
“Goodbye, yellow brick road.”
I see. Did you have any inspiring words for your team before the game?
“You and me against the world, sometimes it feels like you and me against the world.”
Well, that clearly had a positive effect. Now that the game is over, where are your players now?
“Smokin’ in the boys’ room.”
I suppose they’ve earned that luxury after that performance. Coach, you told us what motivates your team, but what about you? What are you in this for?
“Money money money money, Money!”
All right. Before we let you go, do you have a message for your next opponents, whoever they may be?
“Come and get your love.”
And on that enigmatic note, let’s go to our next matchup.
THE BOUNCING BALLS OF VARYING SIZES BOWL
“Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces,” Cheech and Chong, 1973
vs. “Pinball Wizard/See Me, Feel Me,” The New Seekers, 1973
A #15 about hoops and glam rock takes on a #29 medley about disability and arcade games.
Final Score: Basketball 31, Wizard 3. Once again, the Jones team proves itself to be athletically versatile, while their opponents were limited by their lack of senses. But at some point after this game, the Seekers discovered that they could see, her and talk after all. However, they’re request for a reamatch, like that of the New Orleans Saints, was denied.
THE MAKING A WAVE WHEN YOU CAN BOWL
“The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974
vs. “Dynomite,” Bazuka, 1975
The #1 about public nudity versus the #10 ode to the cool kid from Good Times
Final Score: Streak 55, Dynomite 0. Again, the Stevens team opted to play without uniforms or protective equipment and as a result, the game was a blowup...I mean, blowout. Ray’s, er, streak, continues.
THE COMBAT ON LAND AND SEA BOWL
“Kung Fu Fighting,” Carl Douglas, 1974
vs. “In the Navy,” The Village People, 1979
A #1 about Asian martial arts matches up with a #3 about the nautical branch of the military.
Final Score: Fighting 38, Navy 27. A hard hitting game. The Village People were in control early, and they looked like they might torpedo Douglas’ dreams of a long run in the tournament. The Kung Fus battled back and took a four-point lead, but it looked like the Navy would get one more chance to win when the Fighters faced third and long deep in their own end late. But they handed the ball to little Sammy Chong, who took a bow, made a stand, started swinging with the hand, then made a sudden motion that froze the defence, allowing him to run all the way to the end zone for the clinching touchdown, sinking the sailors.
THE HOW MUCH WOULD IT COST TO DETAIL AN EIGHTEEN WHEELER BOWL
“Workin’ at the Car Wash Blues,” Jim Croce, 1974
vs. “The White Knight,” Cledus Maggard and the Citizen’s Band, 1976
The #32 daydream of an automobile cleaner takes on the #19 trucker trapper.
Final Score: Knight 41, Wash 13. The Citizens allowed Croce’s team to keep up early, but then they put the hammer down and came home with an easy win. The Blues’ slumped off to their locker room, took off their rubber uniforms, and dreamed of air conditioned offices.
THE WHY GO TO THEM WHEN THEY’LL COME TO US BOWL
“Space Oddity,” David Bowie, 1973
vs. “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft,” Carpenters, 1977
A #15 about a lost astronaut meets a #32 about trying to find aliens.
Final Score: Occupants 35, Oddity 20. Both teams made some otherworldly plays, but in the end, it came down to communication. Bowie’s boys seemed out of touch with each other in the fourth quarter, while the Carpenters continued to read each other loud and clear. The Oddity coach strangely summed up his defeat after the game by saying “Planet Earth is blue, and there was nothing he could do.
THE PUT THE LIME ON THE WISH SANDWICH BOWL
“Coconut,” Harry Nilsson, 1972
vs. “Rubber Biscuit,” The Blues Brothers, 1979
A #8 about an unusual prescription faces a #37 about odd dinner options.
Final Score: Biscuit 28, Coconut 23. The Nilsson team had the same issues they had in the first game: bellyaches in the first half, which were cured at the break, allowing them to get back in the game. They had a fourth and goal with just seconds left, and they threw into the end zone. The ball deflected off the Coconut receiver, then hit a Biscuit defender and might have bounced back to the wideout. But it didn’t, going in the other direction and falling incomplete. The Biscuit ricochet didn’t come back to him, so the Coconuts were starved of the victory.
THE GROOMING IN A GALAXY FAR AWAY BOWL
“Shaving Cream,” Benny Bell, 1975
vs. “Star Wars Theme/Cantina Band,” Meco, 1977
The naughty #30 fecal fake-out battles a #1 from the blockbuster space opera.
Final Score: Cream 30, Band 14. The Force wasn’t strong enough to overcome old-fashioned offence. Once again, Coach Bell of the winning side had some words after the game:
“We beat the team with that Darth Vader
Though he did unnerve us a bit,
‘Cause when he removed his big helmet
His head looked like a big lump of...shaving cream,
Be nice and clean,
Shave every day and you’ll always look keen.
THE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE LITTLE ONES BOWL
“Saturday Morning Confusion,” Bobby Russell, 1971
vs. “Short People,” Randy Newman, 1978
A #28 about a harried father versus a #2 about not liking persons of a certain height.
Final Score: Confusion 17, People 16. This was a close one. Both coaches seemed to spend the entire game acting annoyed with their players. The difference, most analysts agree, was that Russell actually loved his charges, so when it came down to the end, they played for him. Newman, in contrast, really didn’t want to be around his players, which is way they came up a bit shirt.
Another quarter done. Next time, back to Britain. See you then.
THE PINA COLADA OR DOM PERIGNON BOWL
“Your Bulldog Drinks Champagne,” Jim Stafford, 1975
vs. “Werewolves of London,” Warren Zevon, 1978
Stafford’s #24 about an alcoholic anime versus Zevon’s #21 about British lycanthropes.
Final Score: Werewolves 34, Bulldog 28. A close contest, but in the end, prematurely dipping into the celebratory postgame bubbly started to take its toll on the Stafford squad, and Zevon’s team clawed their way to a victory. They earned their beef chow mein.
THE DID HE GET UP EARLY ENOUGH BOWL
“Tennessee Birdwalk,” Jack Blanchard and Misty Morgan, 1970
vs. “Funky Worm,” The Ohio Players, 1973
A #23 country tune about defective birds meets a #15 funk tune about a truly earthy musician.
Final Score: Worm 45, Birdwalk 6. The Ohio boys just had too much funk for the grounded, directionally challenged Tennessee contingent. And much to the relief of their star player’s manager, the Worm team were indeed paid for their efforts.
THE EAT THE DISHES FOR ME BOWL
“The Candy Man,” Sammy Davis Jr., 1972
vs. “Save Your Kisses for Me,” Brotherhood of Man, 1976
The Rat Packer’s #1 about confections takes on a #27 about kiddie smooches.
Final Score: Candy 66, Kisses 0. The youthful Brotherhood were easily distracted by the wide variety of sweets offered by Davis, and they had nothing left in reserve after gorging themselves. But defeat has never tasted so satisfying and delicious.
THE JIM HENSON MEMORIAL BOWL
“Rubber Duckie,” Ernie, 1970
vs, “Rainbow Connection,” Kermit the Frog, 1979
The Muppeteer’s #16 portrayal of Bert’s roommate and his love of bath toys faces his voicing of a famous amphibian’s ode to lovers and dreamers.
Final Score: Duckie 21, Rainbow 17. An entertaining contest that was even educational at some points. In the end, Ernie’s side got the bounces, while the Rainbow team occasionally had moments where they seemed to be distracted by something they thought they saw in the sky.
THE STICK IT TO THOSE BOZOS BOWL
“School’s Out,” Alice Cooper, 1972
vs. “Send in the Clowns,” Judy Collins, 1975
A #7 about the end of education faces a #19 show tune referencing harlequins
Final Score: School 38, Clowns 3. Collins’ team played like they didn’t even show up, and they were dominated by the unleashed fury of the Cooper crew. The most notable thing about the game was the national anthem beforehand, when the colour guard was unable to locate the Stars and Stripes. Because of this, the School kids declined to stand for the anthem, saying they wouldn’t salute people who couldn’t find the flag.
THE TRUCK OFF BOWL
“Wolf Creek Pass,” C.W. McCall, 1975
vs. “Teddy Bear,” Red Sovine, 1976
A #40 about hauling poultry meets a #40 about a trucker organizing a surprise for a sick child.
Final Score: Bear 41, Wolf 37. A close battle. McCall’s team, fuelled by the unusual combination of grape soda and onion soup mix, put it all on the line to reach their desired destination of victory, but the Sovine attack was relentless, plowing through any defenses it encountered and leaving their opponents in tears, wondering how they ever even thought of denying Teddy Bear what he wanted.
THE LOVE AND DEATH IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM BOWL
“Wildfire,” Michael Murphey, 1975
vs. “Muskrat Love,” The Captain and Tennille, 1976
A #3 about a ghost and her horse versus a #4 about rodents dating and mating
Final Score: Muskrat 35, Wildfire 13. Possibly inspired by the recent death of their team’s co-founder, Susie, Sam, and the rest of their muskrat pals whirled, twirled and tangoed around their dazzled opponents. But the Murphey team seemed to be fine with losing as they rode off to some far horizon.
THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD LEADS TO A SHARK’S MOUTH BOWL
“Mr. Jaws,” Dickie Goodman, 1975
vs. “Themes from The Wizard of Oz,” Meco, 1978
The #4 about a film featuring an aggressive fish meets a #35 recording of music from a movie featuring a cowardly lion.
Final Score: Jaws 49, Wizard 2. The road ends for the Oz squad, who were unable to conjure a way to avoid having all their efforts devoured by the hungry Great Whites. Once again, we are pleased to have an exclusive postgame interview with the winning coach. Let’s hear that now:
Coach Goodman, what did you say this time to the coach of the team you just defeated?
“Goodbye, yellow brick road.”
I see. Did you have any inspiring words for your team before the game?
“You and me against the world, sometimes it feels like you and me against the world.”
Well, that clearly had a positive effect. Now that the game is over, where are your players now?
“Smokin’ in the boys’ room.”
I suppose they’ve earned that luxury after that performance. Coach, you told us what motivates your team, but what about you? What are you in this for?
“Money money money money, Money!”
All right. Before we let you go, do you have a message for your next opponents, whoever they may be?
“Come and get your love.”
And on that enigmatic note, let’s go to our next matchup.
THE BOUNCING BALLS OF VARYING SIZES BOWL
“Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces,” Cheech and Chong, 1973
vs. “Pinball Wizard/See Me, Feel Me,” The New Seekers, 1973
A #15 about hoops and glam rock takes on a #29 medley about disability and arcade games.
Final Score: Basketball 31, Wizard 3. Once again, the Jones team proves itself to be athletically versatile, while their opponents were limited by their lack of senses. But at some point after this game, the Seekers discovered that they could see, her and talk after all. However, they’re request for a reamatch, like that of the New Orleans Saints, was denied.
THE MAKING A WAVE WHEN YOU CAN BOWL
“The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974
vs. “Dynomite,” Bazuka, 1975
The #1 about public nudity versus the #10 ode to the cool kid from Good Times
Final Score: Streak 55, Dynomite 0. Again, the Stevens team opted to play without uniforms or protective equipment and as a result, the game was a blowup...I mean, blowout. Ray’s, er, streak, continues.
THE COMBAT ON LAND AND SEA BOWL
“Kung Fu Fighting,” Carl Douglas, 1974
vs. “In the Navy,” The Village People, 1979
A #1 about Asian martial arts matches up with a #3 about the nautical branch of the military.
Final Score: Fighting 38, Navy 27. A hard hitting game. The Village People were in control early, and they looked like they might torpedo Douglas’ dreams of a long run in the tournament. The Kung Fus battled back and took a four-point lead, but it looked like the Navy would get one more chance to win when the Fighters faced third and long deep in their own end late. But they handed the ball to little Sammy Chong, who took a bow, made a stand, started swinging with the hand, then made a sudden motion that froze the defence, allowing him to run all the way to the end zone for the clinching touchdown, sinking the sailors.
THE HOW MUCH WOULD IT COST TO DETAIL AN EIGHTEEN WHEELER BOWL
“Workin’ at the Car Wash Blues,” Jim Croce, 1974
vs. “The White Knight,” Cledus Maggard and the Citizen’s Band, 1976
The #32 daydream of an automobile cleaner takes on the #19 trucker trapper.
Final Score: Knight 41, Wash 13. The Citizens allowed Croce’s team to keep up early, but then they put the hammer down and came home with an easy win. The Blues’ slumped off to their locker room, took off their rubber uniforms, and dreamed of air conditioned offices.
THE WHY GO TO THEM WHEN THEY’LL COME TO US BOWL
“Space Oddity,” David Bowie, 1973
vs. “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft,” Carpenters, 1977
A #15 about a lost astronaut meets a #32 about trying to find aliens.
Final Score: Occupants 35, Oddity 20. Both teams made some otherworldly plays, but in the end, it came down to communication. Bowie’s boys seemed out of touch with each other in the fourth quarter, while the Carpenters continued to read each other loud and clear. The Oddity coach strangely summed up his defeat after the game by saying “Planet Earth is blue, and there was nothing he could do.
THE PUT THE LIME ON THE WISH SANDWICH BOWL
“Coconut,” Harry Nilsson, 1972
vs. “Rubber Biscuit,” The Blues Brothers, 1979
A #8 about an unusual prescription faces a #37 about odd dinner options.
Final Score: Biscuit 28, Coconut 23. The Nilsson team had the same issues they had in the first game: bellyaches in the first half, which were cured at the break, allowing them to get back in the game. They had a fourth and goal with just seconds left, and they threw into the end zone. The ball deflected off the Coconut receiver, then hit a Biscuit defender and might have bounced back to the wideout. But it didn’t, going in the other direction and falling incomplete. The Biscuit ricochet didn’t come back to him, so the Coconuts were starved of the victory.
THE GROOMING IN A GALAXY FAR AWAY BOWL
“Shaving Cream,” Benny Bell, 1975
vs. “Star Wars Theme/Cantina Band,” Meco, 1977
The naughty #30 fecal fake-out battles a #1 from the blockbuster space opera.
Final Score: Cream 30, Band 14. The Force wasn’t strong enough to overcome old-fashioned offence. Once again, Coach Bell of the winning side had some words after the game:
“We beat the team with that Darth Vader
Though he did unnerve us a bit,
‘Cause when he removed his big helmet
His head looked like a big lump of...shaving cream,
Be nice and clean,
Shave every day and you’ll always look keen.
THE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE LITTLE ONES BOWL
“Saturday Morning Confusion,” Bobby Russell, 1971
vs. “Short People,” Randy Newman, 1978
A #28 about a harried father versus a #2 about not liking persons of a certain height.
Final Score: Confusion 17, People 16. This was a close one. Both coaches seemed to spend the entire game acting annoyed with their players. The difference, most analysts agree, was that Russell actually loved his charges, so when it came down to the end, they played for him. Newman, in contrast, really didn’t want to be around his players, which is way they came up a bit shirt.
Another quarter done. Next time, back to Britain. See you then.
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