An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 August 9, 1975 Part Two

The end of a snapshot.

20 - “Misty,” Ray Stevens

The novelty man got to #2 with a country-pop cover of the Johnny Mathis hit Jessica Walter kept asking Clint Eastwood to play in that movie.  It’s a snappy surprise.

19 - “Action,” Sweet

The glam standard-bearers reject haters and hangers-on.  The violin opening is fantastic, and it stays that good throughout.

18 - “Dolly My Love,” The Moments

Slick love disco from the Washington soul-funk outfit on their second Top Ten.  Glad it got the hit status their countrymen wouldn’t give them,

17 - “Rollin’ Stone,” David Essex

In his homeland, Essex kept rocking on with his fifth Top Ten, this lurching groove about being a sexy drifter.  The instrumental break in the middle might be a little too orchestrated, but otherwise, this is high-quality glam.

16 - “Blanket on the Ground,” Billie Jo Spears

Texas native Spears didn’t become successful until her 30s, but she had a solid decade of hits on the country charts.  Her only #1 on that chart was also her first of two Top Tens here.  It’s a spirited tune about a woman inviting her husband to make love with her outdoors like they did when they were younger.  Very good stuff.

15 - “New York City,” T. Rex

Bolan’s boys were past their commercial prime, but they could still go Top Twenty with a song that does little more than give us the image of a woman from the Big Apple “with a frog in her hand.”  Is it an artistic statement, or a throwaway?  Hard to say.  But I don’t think much of it.

14 - “The Last Farewell,” Roger Whittaker 

The Kenyan-born Britain’s old-timey ballad of love and war.  Made for drunk 2 am karaoke.  I don’t think it works in any other context.

13 - “It’s Been So Long,” George McCrae

The last British Top Ten for the man behind the Triple Crown-winning “Rock Your Baby.”  This is more soul than disco, which is probably why it only hit here.

12 - “Sherry,” Adrian Baker

The Londoner’s only solo hit was this carbon copy cover of the 1962 Beach Boys hit.  He even does his best Frankie Valli impressions.  Later, with his studio project Gidea Park, he would cash in on the medley craze with strings of hits by both The Four Seasons and the Beach Boys, and his proficiency at aping the latter would actually land him a spot in their touring band.

11 - “I Write the Songs,” David Cassidy

Before Barry Manilow lied, David recorded this deception, which at least was produced by the tune’s actual author, Bruce Johnston.  Dave does okay, but it’s not hard to see why Cassidymania was coming to an end.

Ten for you.
10 - “Tears on My Pillow,” Johnny Nash 
Not a cover of the 1958 Little Anthony doo-wop standard, but an original reggae number about loneliness. Okay.  It’s still a surprise that this, and not “I Can See Clearly Now,” was his only U.K. #1.

9 - “Je T’aime...Moi Non Plus,” Judge Dread
The Judge’s second and last Top Ten was this sorta-cover of Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin’s 1969 heavy breathing exercise.  In this one, Dread meets a woman who sexily removes his boot, before revealing that...she is a he!  Oh no.  Yeah, this one doesn’t hold up as well as some of his other naughty bits.  I will not be listening to this again.

8 - “Delilah,” The Sensational Alex Harvey Band
The biggest hit for this Scottish band was a hard rock cover of the singalong tale of infidelity and murder popularized by Tom Jones.  Enthusiastically performed, but it seems that their original material was much more interesting.  I’ll have to give it a listen.

7 - “Sealed with a Kiss/Ginny Come Lately,” Brian Hyland
A reissue of two 1962 hits by the New York bubblegum popster.  First is a ballad about a boy pledging to stay in contact with his girlfriend during their summer separation.  The B is a waltzy pop tune about fast-developing romance.  There is a reason why the A is much better known.  It wrings all the drama possible from puppy love.  I’d like the B better if Ginny were clad in some sort of revealing, distinctly decorated swimsuit.

6 - “It’s in His Kiss,” Linda Lewis  
The West Ham lady’s biggest hit was this disco cover of Betty Everett’s shoop shooping 1964 it. Her voice is too annoyingly high for me to love this so.

5 - “Jive Talkin’,” The Bee Gees
Maybe the most egregious of Britain’s Triple Crown blocks.  Okay, I’m sure the new direction was a shock, but come on.  Never has there been a greater funk emanating from an unlikelier source.

4 - “If You Think You Know How to Love Me,” Smokie
The band’s first hit was this song about desperate young lovers on the run.  It’s like Seals and Crofts covering Springsteen.  There’s a good song there, but I don’t believe it in this arrangement.

3 - “I Can’t Give You Anything (But My Love),” The Stylistics 
The Philly soul crew topped this chart for the only time with this sumptuous disco-soul track about being poor and in love.  On this, they give plenty.  Shame if flopped across the pond.

2 - “Give a Little Love,” The Bay City Rollers 
The boyish Scots got their second #1 was this workmanlike rock ballad.  I get why it worked for the teenybopper fanbase at the time, but it doesn’t hold up like many of their other, peppier hits.

And your #1 back then was..
1 - “Barbados,” Typically Tropical 
White British dudes Jeff Calvert and Max West had their biggest success as a band with this reggae-pop tune about dreaming of flying off to the Caribbean on “Coconut Airlines.”  There’s even an accented pilot joyously guiding you through a plane’s approach to Bridgetown airport.  Silly escapism.  Calvert and West would make one more impact on the charts later in the decade by writing the immortal “I Lost My Heart to a Starship Trooper.”

Back to Canada next time.  See you soon.

An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 August 9, 1975 Part One

August 1975.  On the 14th, the Hampstead section of London received over 6 1/2 inches of rain in a mere 2 1/2 hours.  These are the songs that may or may not have brightened that gloomy day.

40 - “I’m Not in Love,” 10cc

The Stockporters denial anthem was a near Triple Crown winner, but America held it to #2.  I’m sure it didn’t mean that much to the band, though.  At least that’s what they said.

39 - “Love Will Keep Us Together,” The Captain and Tenille

This one was also a Triple Crown near-miss, but it was Britain who held it to a mere #32.  That’s disappointing.  This is just very solid catchy bubble-pop that belongs with the best.

38 - “That’s the Way (I Like It),” KC and the Sunshine Band

And again, another two-thirds Triple Crown.  Britain held it to #4.  I’m not nearly as disappointed this time, though.

37 - “Sexy,” MFSB

The second-biggest instrumental hit for the Philly pros behind “TSOP.”  Funkier than their previous smash, and just as great.  Should have gotten higher than this, and “TSOP” should not have been Crown-blocked by the Brits with a mere #22 peak.  This is becoming a theme on this post.

36 - “Superwomble,” The Wombles

The trash-collecting puppet creatures had their penultimate 70s hit with this tale of their New York-based superhero relative, whose powers include flying, swimming, X-ray vision, and being “so good-looking it really makes you sick.”  More annoying than the other stuff I’ve heard from them.

35 - “Summer of ‘42,” The Biddu Orchestra

Indian-born producer Biddu Appaiah was a big part of the British disco scene, as the man behind the boards for “Kung Fu Fighting,” and multiple hits by Tina Charles.  He also scored a hit with a disco cover of the theme to the 1971 film about the romance between a teenage boy and a woman whose husband is fighting in World War II.  It works in this context, with the wah-wah guitar fitting right in. I wonder if it accompanied any interesting trysts in the summer of ‘75?

34 - “Disco Stomp,” Hamilton Bohannon

Former Motown studio drummer Bohannon score three U.K. hits, the biggest being this funky dancer encouraging people in various American cities to do the titular dance.  Charmingly bassy.

33 - “Fame,” David Bowie 

The shocking return of Britain as Triple Crown denier.  I can’t fathom the fact that this was only a #17 here.  They love Bowie, they love funk, what’s the problem?  You guy’s thought you were too cool to fool, but you ended up fooling yourself.

32 - “One Night,” Mud

The lowest-charting single by these glam boys was this cover of a please-baby-baby-please soul plea that Elvis hit with in 1959.  It just sounds like a good high-school-dance band version to these ears.

31 - “Eighteen with a Bullet,” Pete Wingfield

The one hit by this Hampshire man was this doo-woppy come on that uses music business lingo to express his ambitions.  Fun gimmickry.  It peaked at...7.

30 - “Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me,” Gladys Knight and the Pips

Their second Top Ten here.  Powerful devotion soul.  GKatP’s great 70s run compares with any act, any time.

29 - “Footstompin’ Music,” Hamilton Bohannon 

This guy’s second appearance in the chart features more funk and exhortations to stomp and rock.  I think this is the better of the two.

28 - “Get in the Swing,” Sparks

The fifth hit from L.A.’s arty Mael brothers was...a march.  I mean, like a John Philip Sousa-style tune for bands in parades.  And it has lyrics about salmon spawning and filling out questionnaires.  A fantastic, fulfilling Uneasy Rider.

27 - “7-6-5-4-3-2-1 (Blow Your Whistle),” Rimshots 

The only hit for this American funk band is a cover of a recent song by another American funk band, the Gary Toms Empire.  A decent disco number, which may have originated the idea of the whistle as a disco instrument.  I think that ended up being a good thing.

26 - “El Bimbo,” Bimbo Jet

No, Hugh Hefner’s private plane didn’t become sentient and record a song.  No, they’re a French disco group whose one major moment was this Latin/Middle Eastern hybrid based on a song by legendary Afghan singer Ahmad Zahir.  I have no idea what the lyrics mean, so I can’t judge their offensiveness.  But a name change would probably be required today.

25 - “Love Me Baby,” Susan Cadogan 

The Jamaican’s second hit was a hybrid of reggae and 60s soul.  I like it, but I think it could have used a singer with more character in her voice.  Could just be me, though.

24 - “Highwire,” Linda Carr and the Love Squad

A former backing singer for James Brown, Carr and her band had her only hit with this song about being all in in regards to loving someone.  Definitely one that got a deserved boost from the Northern Soul crowd.  And it was written by Kenny Nolan, who adds this to “Lady Marmalade” among things that cancel out “I Like Dreamin’.”

23 - “The Hustle,” Van McCoy

The BritBlock strikes yet again, as they held this North American #1 to #3.  Another puzzler.

22 - ”D-I-V-O-R-C-E,” Tammy Wynette
The second most-famous hit by the Mississippi country legend, this weenie about a mother trying to shield her child from the pain of the dissolution of her marriage reached #12 here seven years after its original release.  Heartbreakingly powerful even after all these years.

21 - “Have You Seen Her/Oh Girl,” The Chi-Lites
A re-release of the Chicago soulsters’ most famous songs.  Of course it went Top Five.  There was probably no better value for money in the singles racks at the time.

The Old Man’s 70s Grand Championship Uneasy Rider Tournament: Round One, Part Six

The sixth first round bracket contains fads, space, food, and other goodies.  Let’s jump in.

THE LET’S SMOKE A BOWL
“Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces,” Cheech and Chong, 1973
vs. “Sister Mary Elephant,” Cheech and Chong, 1974
A matchup between two tracks from the famed stoned comedy duo.  First, they got to #15 with a soulful tale of a young man addicted to the game invented in 1891 by James Naismith.  Then, they reached #24 with a spoken sketch in which a mild-mannered substitute-teaching nun controls her unruly class with intermittent exclamations of “SHADDDUP!”

Final Score: Jones 28, Elephant 17.  Although football wasn’t his team’s primary sport, Shoelaces led his team to victory with unorthodox moves and an ability to get the entire crowd behind him.  Despite her best efforts, Sister Elephant could not silence the audience, with the exception of a gentleman named Chris Schenkel.
.
THE NAKED BLAXPLOITATION BOWL
“Superfly Meets Shaft,” John and Ernest, 1973
vs. “The Streak,” Ray Stevens, 1974
Two records that take the form of news reports.  First, John Free and Ernest Smith went to #31 with a break-in record (produced by master of the form Dickie Goodman) that uses recent R&B hits to tell a story involving two popular African-American movie badasses.  The next year, Georgia novelty king Stevens went all the way to #1 with a tale of a man participating in the then-popular fad of running naked through public gatherings.

Final Score: Streak 45, Superfly 3.  Stevens’ team decided to play without protective equipment, or uniforms, or even athletic supporters.  As tough and fearless as their opponents were, they were very careful in their tackling so as to not touch “out-of-bounds,” allowing the Streakers to, um, streak down the field, to the delight of their one cheerleader, an uninhibited lady named Ethel.

THE TAKE THE STONE FROM MY PALM GRASSHOPPER BOWL
“Kung Fu,” Curtis Mayfield, 1974
vs. “Kung Fu Fighting,” Carl Douglas, 1974
Two funky numbers featuring the name for a popular form of Chinese martial arts.  Mayfield went to #40 with a song that isn’t about hand to hand combat, but rather has enigmatic lyrics about being of mixed race and not being able to fit in.  Jamaican Douglas, on the other hand, was all about the fists and kicks, singing about action he saw in movies featuring characters with names like Billy Chin and Sammy Chong and going all the way to #1.

Final Score: Douglas 38, Mayfield 7.  It was a battle of Douglas’ flashy moves and Mayfield’s psychological, gritty approach.  The direct approach dominated.  In fact, it was a little bit frightening.

THE I SAW THE MAN SAY THIS ON THE TEEVEE BOWL
“Whatcha See is What You Get,” The Dramatics, 1971
vs, “Dynomite,” Bazuka, 1975
Two songs based on catch phrases from popular comedy television shows.  Detroit vocal group the Dramatics went to #9 with a song built on a line often spoken by Geraldine, a character played by comedian Flip Wilson on his eponymous variety series.  Meanwhile, a group formed by producer Tony with a funk number whose only lyric is repetition of an expression popularized by J.J. Evans, a character played by Jimmie Walker on the Norman Lear sitcom Good Times.

Final Score: Dynomite 7, Whatcha 6.   Close, with not much offense.  The Dramatics probably would have won easily if all their players were flesh and blood, but for some reason, some of them were made of plastic, and others were made of wood.  The Bazuka squad will need to be more explosive if they hope to go any further.

THE BREAKER ONE-NINE WHAT’S YOUR 20 BOWL
“Convoy,” C.W. McCall, 1976
vs. “The White Knight,” Cledus Maggard and the Citizens Band, 1976
A couple of dispatches from the period where trucker lingo was a mainstream fad.  First, the character created for a bread commercial went to #1 with a tale of a rebellious group of 18-wheeler drivers avoiding “bears” aka the police.  Meanwhile, Californian Jay Huguely got to #19 with a song about a trucker being tricked into breaking the speed limit by a “Smokey” posing as a fellow hauler.

Final Score: Knight 38, Convoy 35.  A bit of an upset, but the White Knights outlasted their more renowned opponent with speed and relentlessness.  They just wouldn’t stop flinging the lingo.  And at the end of the game, Coach Smokey arrested Pig Pen, Rubber Duck, and the rest of the opposing team, adding them to his own lineup for their next game.  This white knight could be a dark horse to watch.

THE SPACE INVADERS BOWL
“Come Sail Away,” Styx, 1977
vs. “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft,” Carpenters, 1977
Two songs about alien encounters.  The Bob Seger of Chicago went to #8 with an epic power ballad about a sailor who is visited by beings he thinks are angels, but are in fact creatures from outer space.  Meanwhile, Karen and Richard Carpenter got to #32 with a song about trying to telepathically contact extraterrestrial beings.

Final Score: Occupants 62, Sail 6.  The Styx team thought they were dealing with two bland kids who would run simple plays like the “Close to You,” and the “We’ve Only Just Begun.”  Instead, they  unveiled some gadget plays like “Thought Energy” and “Interstellar Policeman.”  By halftime, the Styxers looked more than ready to get back on their boat and set an open course for the virgin sea.

THE IT’S A BOY MRS. WALKER BOWL
“See Me, Feel Me,” The Who, 1970
 vs. “Pinball Wizard/“See Me, Feel Me,” The New Seekers, 1973
 Two singles containing parts of The Who’s 1969 rock opera Tommy.  First, the originators reached #12 with the last two-thirds of the album-closing medley “We’re Not Gonna Take it.  Three years later, a. British vocal group got to #29 by performing that same section and tying it to the LP’s centrepiece track, which details the title character’s prowess at a popular arcade game.


Final Score: Seekers 31, Who 21.  Using more of their common playbook gave the imitators the shock win.  An interested spectator was Elton John, who felt that if his version of “Pinball Wizard” has been a single in the U.S., he would have been able to beat both these teams.

THE BOLDLY GOING WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE BOWL
“Rocket Man,” Elton John, 1972
vs. “Space Oddity,” David Bowie, 1973
Astronautical action.  The Englishman born Reginald Dwight made it to #6 with a song about the loneliness of being a space traveller, being separated from one’s loved ones for long periods of time and even longer distances.  Then, another Englishman, this one born David Jones, got to #15 with a rerelease of his 1969 song about a star sailor named Major Tom who gets disconnected from Ground Control and is presumed to be forever lost in the cosmos.

Final Score: Oddity 27, Rocket 26.  A tight game, but Bowie’s team played on a level that was just slightly more out of this world.  Reporters surrounded winning quarterback Tom after the game, asking him whose shirts he wears.  We will hear more from him.

THE PALM TREES AND BEEF BOWL
“Coconut,” Harry Nilsson, 1972
vs. “Cheeseburger in Paradise,” Jimmy Buffett, 1978
Two songs about edible matter.  Nilsson went to #8 with a calypso number about a combination of fruit that causes discomfort sufficient to warrant a call to a physician.  Buffett, meanwhile, reached #32 with an ode to eating ground beef and cheddar on a bun.

Final Score: Coconut 24, Cheeseburger 17.  Nilsson’s team drank a mixture of lime and coconut just before the game, and were plagued by belly pains throughout the first half.  At halftime, at the recommendation of the team doctor, they drank the same concoction.  Miraculously, the team recovered fully, and they roared back to win.  The Buffett team could console themselves with the fact that there were plenty of French-fried potatoes, Kosher pickles, and cold draft beer waiting for them at the team hotel.

THE CALM AND CHAOS BOWL
“Toast And Marmalade for Tea,” Tin Tin, 1970
vs. “Saturday Morning Confusion,” Bobby Russell, 1971
A matchup that pits relaxation against mayhem.  An Australian band named for a Belgian cartoon with a gentle, Beatlesque ode to a simple meal and lovely company.  Then, Nashville singer-songwriter Russell reached #28 with a country-rock narration of a typical busy Saturday in the life of a harried husband and father.

Final Score: Confusion 41, Toast 0.  The Tin Tin side was completely overwhelmed by Russell’s active family, including Harry the Dog and her puppies and Jack the grill-stealing neighbour.  Russell was pleased with the victory, but did not seem to look forward to having to manage his chaotic charges in their next game.

THE NOT READY FOR PRIME TIME BOWL
“King Tut,” Steve Martin and the Toot Uncommons, 1978
vs. “Rubber Biscuit,” The Blues Brothers, 1979
Two hits that trace their origins to the early years of Saturday Night Live.  Frequent guest host Martin reached #17 with a song, first performed on the show, that was inspired by the touring exhibit of artifacts from the tomb of Egyptian Pharaoh Tutankhamen.  Meanwhile, cast members John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd, portraying the characters Jake and Elwood Blues, made it to #37 with a cover of a 1956 doo wop song whose lyrics consist of scatting and references to fictional foodstuffs.

Final Score: Biscuit 23, King 20.  The hungry veterans on the Blues side won the day over the younger, wealthier Tut team, confusing their opponents by calling signals like “Dull ow de moun' chicky hubba lubba,” and running trick plays like the “wish sandwich.” Despite the loss, Martin’s team will continue to tour the world to huge crowds, and hope to somehow fulfill their dream of winning a Grammy.

THE WHERE THE BOYS ARE BOWL
“YMCA,” The Village People, 1979
vs. “In the Navy,” The Village People, 1979
Two hits by New York’s costumed heroes about long-running institutions where men are in close quarters.  They reached #2 with an ode to the helpful services of the Young Men’s Christian Association, then made it to #3 with a song encouraging enlistment in the seafaring branch of the United States Armed Forces.

Final Score: Navy 49, YMCA 16.  The Naval Academy has a proud football tradition, and even though this wasn’t their main squad, the recruits they had were more than disciplined enough to conquer the less together young men on the other team.  The losers immediately enlisted, and they will reportedly be performing their spelling-based dance routine at halftime of “In the Navy”’s future tournament games.

THE AUTOMOBILE CLEANSING BOWL
“Workin’ at the Car Wash Blues,” Jim Croce, 1974
vs. “Car Wash,” Rose Royce, 1976
Two songs with different views of working at a car wash.  Croce made it #32 with a folk-rocker about a guy who feels trapped in his job because he is capable of being much more successful.  On the other end, L.A. soul band Rose Royce got to #1 with a more optimistic outlook, focusing on the job’s social aspects, networking opportunities, and forgiving working environment.

Final Score: Croce 20, Rose 17 (OT).  This was a fierce contest that required extra time to decide.  In the end, one of the Rose Royce players picked a bad time to act a fool, and while his coach didn’t mind at the time, it allowed the Croce team to pick up the yardage to get into field goal range, and their kicker stopped daydreaming just long enough to boot the winner.  Croce’s dreams of escaping the car wash live on, while his opponents happily return to their life of meeting superstars and Indian chiefs, because after all, it’s better than digging a ditch.


THE DECEPTIVELY DIRTY BOWL 
“My Ding-a-Ling,” Chuck Berry, 1972
vs. “Shaving Cream,” Benny Bell, 1975
Two songs that skirt over potentially inappropriate language and subject matter.  Rock legend Berry had his only #1 with a live-in-London recording of a tune about a boys love of a toy that may be “silver bells hanging on a string” or might be a part of his anatomy.  Meanwhile, novelty singer Bell reached #30 with a three-decades-old recording of a song in which the verses seem like they should end with a synonym for excrement, but somehow, they don’t.

Final Score: Cream 28, Ding-a-Ling 23.  Instead of recapping the game, I will instead give you excerpts from the two coaches’ postgame remarks.  First, winning Coach Bell:

“My boys really came to play football,
They ran, and they threw, and they hit.
My team played like a bunch of All-Stars,
While the other guys, they played like shhh...aving cream,
Be nice and clean.
Shave every day and you’ll always look keen.”

And now, Coach Berry:

“Our quarterback, he threw the ball,
It looked like we might win it all.
But instead of trying to catch that thing,
The receiver was playing with his ding-a-ling-a-ling.”

THE LUCAS/SPIELBERG/DISCO BOWL
“Star Wars theme/Cantina Band,” Meco, 1977
vs. “Theme from Close Emcounters,” Meco, 1978
Two Meco Menardo disco versions of music from late 70s space blockbusters.  First, he went to #1 with a medley of the main theme from George Lucas’ film about events that took place long ago and far away and the song played by the musicians at the Mos Eisley cantina where Luke Skywalker  meets Han Solo.  Then, he got to #25 with selections from the score of Steven Spielberg’s movie about aliens landing in Wyoming.

Final Score: Wars 54, Encounters 3.  Lucas’ side had too much Force for Richard Dreyfuss and his extraterrestrial pals.  At one point, the entire Spielberg squad simultaneously had difficulty breathing, as if they were being choked by some unseen hand.  The most trouble the Star Wars team had was before the game, when there was a fierce debate over whether they should wear light or dark uniforms.

THE PICK ME UP BOWL
“Float On,” The Floaters, 1977
vs. “Short People,” Randy Newman, 1978
In our last match of this group, astrology takes on achondroplasiaphobia.  First, a Detroit vocal group got to #2 with a soul ballad on which the four members list their Zodiac signs and the attributes they admire in women.  Then, singer/pianist Newman reached #2 with a sarcastic pop song about a guy with an irrational hatred of the vertically challenged.

Final Score: Short 21, Float 0. Despite a height disadvantage, Newman’s team were focused and tenacious, while their opponents seemed to care more about chatting up cheerleaders and female spectators than playing the game.  The winners then got into their compact cars to drive to the location of their next game, while the losers and their recently acquired companions were last seen boarding a bus bound for somewhere called Love Land.

The tournament will be back soon, but next up is another return to Britain.  See you then.

GATW: UKT40 July 16, 1988 Part Two

The finish.

20 - “Love Bites,” Def Leppard

The Leps fourth hit here.  #1 in the U.S., #6 in Canada, #11 here.  That seems like a fair result for a decent machine-crafted power ballad.

19 - “Monkey,” George Michael 

George got a little rocky on this one.  North America loved it, but Britain wasn’t so addicted, denying it a Triple Crown with authority, holding it to #13.  I feel we were right to reward his sonic versatility.

18 - “Foolish Beat,” Debbie Gibson

Another Triple Crown denied by the Brits, but this slick, solid ballad from the American teen queen at least made the Top Ten.  That’s better.

17 - “Wild World,” Maxi Priest

Londoner Max Elliott had his second home hit with this reggae-lite cover of a 1970 Cat Stevens hit.  It’s charming in its gentle way, and different enough from the original.

16 - “Tougher than the Rest,” Bruce Springsteen

Although not released as a single in North America, this was the highest-charter from Tunnel of Love over here.  It’s a slow-burning midtempo number about two lonely people finding imperfect-but-adequate companionship in each other.  It’s the Boss depicting life in the seedy bar milieu he often returns to, and this reminds you why.

15 - “I Want Your Love,” Transvision Vamp

The Putney hard rockers first hit was this simple demand for affection and affection only.  Wendy James says she doesn’t even “want your books on Marilyn or Bobby D.”  I’ll take them, thanks, if you’re offering.

14 - “Dirty Diana,” Michael Jackson 

This time, it was Canada who threw up the Triple  Crown block, holding it to #5.  That was wrong.  Maybe I don’t believe MJ in real life as the victim of a predatory groupie, but for the length of this, he sells me on the idea.

13 - “Cross My Heart,” Eighth Wonder

The last of two hits by this British pop group was this dance pop trifle whose production credit could read “I Can’t Believe it’s nor Stock/Aitken/Waterman.”  The band broke up, singer Patsy Kensit immediately went on to play Mel Gibson’s love interest in Lethal Weapon 2, and that’s all I got.

12 - “Don’t Blame it on That Girl/Wap Bam Boogie,” Matt Bianco 

The last for three hits for this British jazz-pop group, who decided to give themselves a name that sounded like it could be that of.a spy or playboy, was this double sider.  The A is a sambaish swinger about a lady who uses her beauty to get ahead,while the B is nonsensical but fun dance-funk.  The a is better by quite a margin.

11 - “Tribute (Right On),” Pasadenas 

The first hit by these U.K. funk soul brothers was this, um, tribute to the hitmakers of the rock era, from Little Richard and Elvis through to Sam Cooke and James Brown and on to Motown and Philly soul.  A nice listen, and a good starting place if you just want to remind yourself of great old stuff to put on your next playlist.

Don’t jump out of a moving car and lip sync any of the songs in the Top Ten.  #commonsensechallenge

10 - “In the Air Tonight (‘88 Remix),” Phil Collins 

The creepy classic returned to the Top Five seven years after it debuted in this remixed form.  I guess it made it more club-friendly, but it blunts a lot of what made the original so iconic.  It even messes a bit with the drum break.  No.

9 - “Roses are Red,” The Mac Band featuring The McCampbell Brothers 

Led by the four McCampbell siblings of Flint, Michigan, this band’s biggest hit was this cliche-based funk love song.  It’s very good for its genre, but that’s about it.

8 - “Boys (Summertime Love),” Sabrina

Italian model-turned-singer Sabrina Salerno had her biggest internal hit with this unremarkable dance popper.  Its success is almost entirely attributable to the video, which features her in a white bikini top that she has trouble keeping on in the pool, and even when it is on the water makes it essentially transparent.  I certainly don’t think it was her singing ability.

7 - “Breakfast in Bed,” UB40 featuring Chrissie Hynde 

The second collaboration between the British reggae stalwarts and the lead Pretender was this cover of a song originally performed by Dusty Springfield on her Dusty in Memphis LP.  It’s a cool little thing, but I certainly now need to find Dusty’s version.

6 - “I Don’t Want to Talk About It,” Everything but the Girl 

The Hull duo’s first Top Five was this cover of the Crazy Horse song Rod Stewart took to #1 in 1977.   Tracey Thorn’s tenderness fits it perfectly.  I think I like it better than Rod’s, and that’s no small thing.

5 - “Fast Car,” Tracy Chapman

The folk phenom’s gritty breakthrough hit.  #6 America, #4 here, and...#1 in Canada.  Yeah, we got that one right big time.

4 - “I Owe You Nothing,” Bros

Surrey twins Matt and Luke Goss were taking over Wham!’s mantle as Britain’s favourite cute boy singing duo, hitting the top with this after two #2s.  Meh dance-pop, but well sung.  They deserved their moment.

3 - “The Twist (Yo Twist),” The Fat Boys with Chubby Checker 

Both these guys’ awful covers of sixties hits got to #2 here.  Bad Britain!  Bad!

2 - “Push It/Tramp,” Salt-n-Pepa

But the Isles did do right by making this a #2, and together with a track that turns the tables by calling out promiscuous men.  I love the A, but the B is a nice discovery, and a preview of their frank, liberated approach to female sexuality they would become known for.

1 - “Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You,” Glenn Medeiros
The Hawaiian teen’s sap-ass, crap-ass George Benson cover ballad got two-thirds of the Triple Crown, and it was America who stopped it. God Bless America.  This is as bad as people think “Feelings” is.

Another one down.  Next time, the tournament resumes.  See you then.

An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 July 16, 1988 Part One

July 1988.  Rising star Paul Gascoigne transfers from Newcastle to Tottenham Hotspur for a record £2.2 million.  And these forty singles were being transferred from shops to consumers for much less.

40 - “Car Wash/Is it Love You’re After,” Rose Royce
A single containing two previous Top Twenty hits made the Top Teenty itself.  The A is the classic automobile-cleansing movie theme; the latter a funk workout that had just been heavily sampled for S’Express’ #1 “Theme from S’Express.”  This would certainly have been excellent value for money.

39 - “Chains of Love,” Erasure
The sixth hit for the duo of ex-Depeche Mode and Yazoo man Vince Clarke and singer Andy Bell was this jaunty synth-dance-pop number about finding refuge in romance.  It was their first single to cross the Atlantic, and I still rate it as one of their best.

38 - “You Came,” Kim Wilde
Kimmie’s fourth solo Top Five was this breezy dance pop about a life-altering relationship.  Her performance makes it better than it should be.

37 - “Got to be Certain,” Kylie Minogue 
Kylie’s second hit was this Stock/Aitken/Waterman confection about looking for a sure thing.  And a sure thing was what she was establishing herself as, as her first seven U.K. hits would all hit either #1 or #2.

36 - “Fiesta,” The Pogues
The Celtic punks’ fourth hit was this Latin-tinged raveup inspired by a festival in Almería, Spain.  There are references to macaroni, bingo, some kind of voodooesque doll, and the marriage of former bassist Cait O’Riordan to Elvis Costello.  It’s a whole drunken night out in four minutes.  Whether you’re a rambling boy of pleasure, a lady of easy leisure, or neither, you’re bound to love this one,

35 - “With a Little Help From My Friends/She’s Leaving Home,” Wet Wet Wet/Billy Bragg with Cara Tivey
A charity single for a youth help phone service called Childline, featuring two covers from the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.  First, the Scots’ sophistipoppers take on the Ringo-led ode to loyalty and intoxication.  Then, folkie Bragg and pianist Tivey perform Paul’s tale of a teenage runaway, told from the points of view of the girl and her parents.  Both versions are musically faithful, but Bragg seems more invested.  But the most important thing is that it went to #1 and raised a lot of money.

34 - “In My Dreams,” Will Downing
The second of three hits for this New York soul singer was this midtempo romantic smoothie.  From this, I rate him as a better version of James Ingram.

33 - “You Have Placed a Chill itn My Heart,” Eurythmics 
Another one from Dave and Annie, this one being a strident, beat-heavy number about trying to leave a bad relationship.  They have quite a few songs that I feel should have bigger than they were, and this is one, even it did go Top Twenty.

32 - “Everlasting,” Natalie Cole
Nat King’s princess had just her third hit here with this pop-soul bit about finding permanent love.  Generic.  She didn’t have her father’s gift of elevating mediocrity.  But very few do.

31 - “Don’t Believe the Hype,” Public Enemy
The third hit for the Long Island hip-hop groundbreakers was this pounding jam about being mischaracterized by mainstream media.  Basically, it’s a funkier, more realistic, and just plain better version of Donald Trump’s Twitter feed.

30 - “All Fired Up,” Pat Benatar
The last of a mere three U.K. Top 40s for the rock Queen was this inspirational pump-up rocker.  I just love this, and I can’t account for why.  It just makes me want to do shit.

29 - “Heat it Up,” Wee Pappa Girl Rappers
The first of two hits by former Feargal Sharkey backup singers Sandra and Samantha Lawrence was this rap-house track.  The rhymes are okay, the sisters have decent flow, and it all adds up to okay, nothing more.

28 - “Tomorrow People,” Ziggy Marley and the Melody Makers
This group, composed of Bob Marley’s four oldest children and led by eldest son Ziggy, had their biggest hit with this breezy reggae warning to always have love in your heart.  More children of a legend with a long shadow over them, and they respond by just seeming loose and confident in what they’re doing.  And it works.

27 - “Doctorin’ the Tardis,” The Timelords
Before most of their success as the KLF, pop pranksters Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty scored a #1 with this mashup of the theme from the British sci-fi institution Doctor Who and Gary Glitter’s “Rock and Roll Part Two.”  Just more of the mad genius you get from the guys who actually burned a million pounds in cash.

26 - “Voyage Voyage,” Desireless
French singe Claudie Fritsch-Mentrop had her biggest international hit by singing in her native tongue about traveling around the world over dance beats.  Not quite as much of a trip as the title promises.

25 - “Follow the Leader,” Eric B. and Rakim
New Yorkers Eric Barrier and William Griffin Jr. would create one of the most respected and revered rap catalogues during their short seven-year partnership, and they even managed three pop hits here, the last being this funk bomb.  The bass shakes you, the groove moves you, and Rakim’s flow and wordplay will melt your brain. This is as good as rap gets.  Everyone else is indeed following, to some extent.

24 - “Never Tear Us Apart,” INXS
The great rock ballad of the decade only got this high here.  That is so wrong.  So much wine could be made from my tears over this.

23 - “There’s More to Love,” The Communards
Ex-Bronski Beat frontman Jimmy Somerville named his next band after 1870s French socialists, and they sold pretty well to the masses, scoring nine Top 40s.  The last one was this poppy declaration that “there’s more to love than boy meets girl.”  A subtle but unmistakable message.  Somerville was a master of sweetening the medicine.

22 - “Maybe (We Should Call it A Day),” Hazell Dean 
The fourth hit for this Essex lady was this SAW creation about pondering a breakup.  Okay, but just like with a lot of these, I find myself wondering if Kylie would do it better, and this one is an easy yes.

21 - “I Will Be with You,” T’Pau
The fifth hit for the Shropshireans named for a Vulcan was this power ballad about lasting devotion.  Well short of the high standards set by “Heart and Soul” and “China in Your Hand.”

In Part Two: Girls, boys, kids, bros, and let’s throw in a monkey.

An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 July 7, 1979 Part Two

The rest.

20 - “Maybe,” Thom Pace
Idaho singer Pace had his one shining moment with this theme to the The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams, a 1974 film and subsequent TV series about a fugitive-turned-mountain man.  The song is a faux-Bread blandwich about living free and loving nature.  The low energy of the piece renders the singer’s name ironic.

19 - “Theme from The Deer Hunter,” The Shadows 
The Cliff Richard backers-turned-instrumental institution scored their final Top Ten with a version of “Cavatina,” a classical guitar piece written by Stanley Myers that was used as a main theme in the 1978 Robert De Niro/Christopher Walken Oscar winner about Vietnam and Russian roulette.  This version isn’t much to my ears.  It might be nice to hear someone else give it a go.

18 - “Go West,” The Village People 
The cotstumed disco purveyors scored their third Brit hit with this call to head for warmer and more tolerant climes.  It actually seems restrained compared to the Pet Shop Boys’ 1994 cover, but still, one of the cornerstones of their catalogue.

17 - “We are Family,” Sister Sledge 
The Sledges’ enduring anthem.  Never fails to move me.  And I’m proud that Canada came through with the #1 it deserved.

16 - “Cavatina,” John Williams 
Here’s the original 1970 recorded version by an Australian who isn’t the guy who composes all of Steven Spielberg’s scores.  This one is definitely better.  Good ambient music for relaxation.  Not sure how it works for a film built around gambling with guns, though.

15 - “H.A.P.P.Y. Radio,” Edwin Starr 
Nine years after railing against “War,” Starr picked up two more Top Tens, the second being this effervescent soul-pop jam about a fictional radio station that just plays music that inspires joy.  It won me over as a hypothetical listener.

14 - “Who Were You With in the Moonlight,” Dollar
The duo’s second hit was this slick pop tune about jealousy.  On the OMYAM exchange, it’s valued at 40 cents.

13 - “Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now,” McFadden and Whitehead
Gene and John’s disco perennial was biggest here, reaching #5.  Irrepressible positivity funk.

12 - “Living on the Front Line,” Eddy Grant
The first hit for the Guyana-born Brit was this anti-war reggae jam.  Great groove, conscious lyric, good good stuff.

11 - “Sunday Girl,” Blondie
Debbie Harry and co.’s second #1 was this snappy rocker about a lonely dreamer of a lady.  She sings the second half in French, and you immediately want to become bilingual.  For my money, no female pop singer has done sexy better.

10 - “Dance Away,” Roxy Music
Roxy’s fifth Top Ten was this slick, sophisticated number about boogieing the blues away.  This is where they started to morph into the ultimate prom band for cool kids.

9 - “C’mon Everybody,” The Sex Pistols 
The band’s seventh and final Top Ten, and their second Sid Vicious-sung Eddie Cochran cover.  It’s kind of poignant to hear the recently deceased Vicious sing about more innocently rebellious youthful pleasures than the ones that led to his demise.

8 - “Boogie Wonderland,” Earth Wind and Fire and The Emotions
The fantastic funk summit between the masters and the fabulous vocal trio.  Wherever this place is, I wanna go.

7 - “The Lone Ranger,” Quantum Jump
Three years after its initial release, this proto-synthpop number made the Top Ten with the help of airplay by popular DJ Kenny Everett.  The song caused some controversy with its hint of a sexual relationship between the cowboy hero and his Native American companion Tonto, but hey, it gets lonely on the range.  The band didn’t do much after this, but keyboardist Rupert Hine would be a prolific producer to the stars for the next two decades.

6 - “Light My Fire/137 Disco Heaven,” Amii Stewart
Washingtonian Stewart followed up her smash cover of Eddie Floyd’s “Knock on Wood” with a medley comprised of the Doors’ 1967 classic and a song whose lyrics mainly consist of the title phrase.  The kind of thing that worked at Studio 54, incorporating a hit from the club goers’ youths with the modern sound.  If cocaine was a movie, Stewart’s two biggest hits would be centrepieces of the soundtrack.

5 - “Night Owl,” Gerry Rafferty
The second of the Scot’s two English Top Fives was this pop-rocker about futilely searching for comfort in bars and nightclubs.  It sucks that this wasn’t a single in North America, because it’s a terrific companion piece to “Baker Street.”

4 - “Ring My Bell,” Anita Ward
Memphian Ward only had one hit, but it was this Triple Crown-winning disco come-on.  It’s kind of annoying when used in Walmart commercials, but out of that context, it still holds up.

3 - “Silly Games,” Janet Kay
Willesden’s Janet Kay Bogle had her one big success with this reggae ballad that helped define the genre known as “lovers’ rock.”  I find her voice annoying on this.  It would seem more suited for someone with a lower, more sultry voice, but that could be just personal preference.

2 - “Up the Junction,” Squeeze 
The clever New Wavers followed up their #2 “Cool for Cats” by getting there again with this story song about a guy who meets a girl, falls in love, and has a child.  Then he becomes resentful and spends all his time drinking and gambling, and his lover and daughter move out, leaving him lonely and regretful.  It’s a tale told briskly and wittily to a very infectiousmelody.  One of the great pop songs of all time, period.

1 - “Are ‘Friends’ Electric,” Tubeway Army
Before his solo success, New Wave pioneer Gary Numan fronted this band, who had one huge hit with this synthpop/rock mix about having androids for companions.  This was apparently inspired by the book that the movie Blade Runner was based on.  Shockingly, I’ve never seen it.  But if it’s as awesome as this song, I really should.

Back again soon.  You can check the Facebook page for when, and look at that, I’m tweeting again.  Both are @MrBGlovehead.  Thanks for reading.

An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 July 7, 1979

July 1979. Britain grants independence to the Gilbert Islands in Micronesia, which then become the Republic of Kiribati.  None of the new nation’s te kainikamaen folk music made it onto this week’s chart.  Here’s what did.

40 - “Head Over Heels in Love,” Kevin Keegan
Born in Doncaster in 1951, Keegan was one of England’s most famous footballers in the 70s, known for both the trophies he brought to Liverpool and his distinctively permed hair.  At this point, he was plying his day trade in Hamburg, Germany, but he spent part of the offseason collaborating with Chris Norman and Pete Spencer of Smokie on this heavily orchestrated love song.  It’s the musical equivalent of blasting a penalty ten feet over the bar. It got to #31 here, but the Germans put it into the Top Ten.  Perhaps there’s a correlation between curly-haired English speakers and Teutonic pop success.  Call it the Hasselhoff effect.

Oh, and this is as good a time as any to comment on England’s World Cup performance.  As individuals, Harry Kane and Jordan Pickford established themeselves as truly elite talents. As a team, they broke their shootout curse against Colombia, but they did go out in a familiar way in the semis: going a goal up early only to be equalized later and eventually beaten.  All in all though, they did more than was expected from such a young squad, Gareth Southgate is now a beloved hero instead of the tragic figure of 1996, and 2022 looks like a year where, as they say, football just might come home.

39 - “Bad Girls,” Donna Summer 
The Queen’s disco evergreen about naughty ladies was denied a Triple Crown here.  It didn’t even make the Top Ten.  I blow my whistle and show the Brits a yellow card for this offense.

38 - “Old Siam, Sir,” Paul McCartney and Wings
Macca is here with a silly rock song about a Thai lady who goes to Britain to find a man.  It’s becoming clear that 1979 was Paul’s worst creative year.

37 - “Shine a Little Love,”Electric Light Orchestra
ELO’s tenth Top Ten.  A symphony of danceable pop-rock.  Maybe the closest competitor to “Mr. Blue Sky” among their crowning glories.

36 - “Chuck E.’s in Love,” Rickie Lee Jones 
The Chicagoan’s classic jazz-blues groove was Top Five at home, but shockingly only got to #18 here.  Britain usually rallies behind the cool and strange, but not this time.

35 - “(The World is Full Of) Married Men,” Bonnie Tyler
Bonnie’s first hit since “It’s a Heartache” was this disco warning against getting involved with betrothed males that served as the title song for a film based on a 1968 Jackie Collins novel about the struggles of working class coal miners.  Or the sex lives of the rich and powerful.  I forget which.  Anyway, kind of a dud.  Bette Midler did it better.

34 - “Death Disco,” Public Image Ltd.
PiL’s second hit was apparently a response to a request from his dying mother to write a disco song for her funeral.  It’s a howl of pain with jagged guitar penetrating the dance groove.  Johnny Rotten was keeping up the punk revolt, just on another front.

33 - “Strangle Hold,” UK Subs
The first hit for the London pub punks was this fast rocker about being in the grip of love.  They sound like The Clash with less on their mind here.  That seems to be a consensus opinion of their whole career.

32 - “Breakfast in America,” Supertramp
The ‘Tramp’s second and last home Top Ten was this poppy jaunt about a man with a boring life and a plain girlfriend dreaming of a glamorous life in the USA.  An extremely hard-to-shake earworm.

31 - “Space Bass,” Slick
Cosmic disco-funk from a Philly outfit featuring members of Fat Larry’s Band.  High-quality rump-shaking inspiration, and it will always be, even in the year 3000.

30 - “Born to be Alive,” Patrick Hernandez
The French one-hitter’s none-more-disco chestnut was #10 here, #16 in the States, and...#1 in Canada?! Whoa.  Not so sure about that one.  But I wonder, if I were to say that this song’s title sounds like it was written by Captain Obvious, could I get thi site a sponsorship from a certain accommodation website?  Worth a try.

29 - “Girls Talk,” Dave Edmunds
Edmunds’ court and final Top Ten was this bit of cleverness from Elvis Costello about the travails of romance.  Impossible to not love.

28 - “Lady Lynda,’ The Beach Boys
The Boys scored their first Top Ten in nine years with this midtempo ballad sung by Al Jardine to his then-wife.  It’s kind of yacht-rocky, and that’s not really my thing.  But the arrangement lifts it into my like column.  And maybe it also has something to do with the fact that I have my own Lady Lynda.

27 - “Wanted,” The Dooleys
The biggest hit by this family group was this ABBA-style disco pop tune about desire. I have to admit, this one is good enough to compete with the masters.

26 - “Do Anything You Want To,” Thin Lizzy
This one bears some musical similarities to “The Boys are Back in Town,” but it’s pretty good in and of itself, with lyrics about not letting anyone stop you from doing your thing.  The mention of Elvis’ death at the end, complete with a Phil Lynott Presley impersonation, is a little out of nowhere, but it just adds a bit of charm.

25 - “Masquerade,” Skids
The second hit for these Scottish punks was this song that seems to be about the futility of war.  It namedrops Guernica, the site of a 1937 bombing raid during the Spanish Civil War that inspired one of Pablo Picasso’s most famous paintings.  The song’s not quite that iconic, but it’s very good.

24 - “Gertcha,” Chas and Dave
The first hit for the inventors of “rockney” was this song about a man’s father and his use of the titular exclamation of displeasure, often in tandem with the epithet “cowson.”  One of the things that is said to provoke this is “When the Poles knock England out the Cup.”  I assume the same would apply to the Croats.

23 - “Say When,” Lene Lovich
The second hit for the Detroit New Waver is a bouncy number about being sexually assertive and in control.  The more I hear of her, the more I’m convinced of her likely influence on Cyndi Lauper.

22 - “Good Times,” Chic
Disco refined and defined.  #1 in the States, #2 in Canada, #5 here.  The Sugarhill Gang sampled it, Queen nicked it, many more have used it.  Clams on the half-shell and roller skates for everyone.

21 - “Babylon’s Burning,” The Ruts
Another punk band with some Clash similarities, these guys picked up their first and biggest hit with this tune about youth rebellion and anxiety. Unlike UK Subs, these guys seem to be genuinely on the same wavelength as their more famous peers, rather than just trying to sound like them.

In Part Two: stay up late to go dancing, or maybe watch an old western rerun.