But wait, there’s more.
20 - “Hold on to Love,” Peter Skellern
The second and last hit for this man from Bury was this attempt at sexy soul. Doesn’t quite come off, but there have been worse tries.
19 - “Ding-a-Dong,” Teach-In
It was Eurovision season, so of course the winner is in the charts. This year the prize was won by a Dutch group with a song about cheering yourself up with a nonsensical phrase. It’s in the same league as early ABBA, and it's more than competitive.
18 - “Swing Your Daddy,” Jim Gilstrap
Texas native Gilstrap was a session singer and musician whose most prominent moment before this was being the male voice singing the first part of Stevie Wonder’s “You are the Sunshine of My Life.” His biggest solo success came when he took this snappy soul song to #4 here. He made a wave when he could, as he sang on one of his other big moments, the Good Times theme.
17 - “We’ll Find Our Day,” Stephanie De Sykes
Born Stephanie Ryton, this singer picked up her second hit with a ballad she performed at a wedding on the soap opera Crossroads. It’s...what you’d expect from a ballad performed at a wedding on a soap opera. Your opinion of that is your opinion of this.
16 - “Love Me, Love My Dog,” Peter Shelley
The second of two Top Fives (three if you count “My Coo-Ca-Choo,” the Alvin Stardust hit on which he was the actual singer) for this non-Buzzcock was this crap bit of cheese about dumping a lady who cannot abide his canine companion. It’s like a David Cassidy impersonator singing a song by Harry Nilsson’s non-union Mexican equivalent. That’s why it’s my Uneasy Rider for the week
15 - “Life is a Minestrone,” 10cc
Their fifth Top Ten was this jaunty rock tune about how life can truly be a banquet, with soup and crepes, until it all ends with cold lasagna. The kind of wonderful, meaningful nonsense you can always depend on these guys for.
14 - “Only Yesterday,” Carpenters
Karen singing optimistic pop with a tango beat. Lovely.
13 - “Love Like You and Me,” Gary Glitter
The creep’s tenth Top Ten is okay pop. Shame about the singer. Lots and lots of shame.
12 - “I Wanna Dance Wit Choo,” Disco Tex and the Sex-O-Lettes
Somehow, this derivative follow-up to “Get Dancin’” was a bigger hit here than its predecessor. It does have it’s own charms, but no, that’s not right.
11 - “The Tears I Cried,” The Glitter Band
The fifth Top Ten for the creep at #13’s sometime backup was this bit of breakup glam-pop. Not the strongest entry in the genre.
10 - “A Little Love and Understanding,” Gilbert Becaud
Frenchman Becaud (whose birth surname, I’m not kidding, was “Silly”) has been electrifying audiences at home for two decades before scoring his only Brit hit with this charming Gallic croon meant to inspire optimism in the listener. It worked on me. I’m tempted to hear more of him.
9 - “Take Good Care Of Yourself,” The Three Degrees
The second Top Ten for the Philly soul trio was this bit of sumptuous disco asking a lover to practice good self-care between rendezvous. Well, since they asked so nicely...
8 - “Bye Bye Baby,” Bay City Rollers
The Rollers’ first #1 was a cover of a 1965 Four Seasons hit. It makes me want to hear Frankie and the boys.
7 - “The Night,” Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
Oh hey, there they are. This was recorded in 1972, but it didn’t hit here until it became hit on the clearly influential Northern Soul scene. It’s actually funky, and features Frankie warning a girl not to give herself to the wrong guy. I’m on record disparaging much of their 70s output, but this is very good, and belongs with their best 60s moments.
6 - “Let Me Try Again,” Tammy Jones
Welshwoman Jones had been recording and performing predominantly in her native language for a decade when England finally discovered her through Opportunity Knocks. Her run in that show led to her one big hit, a cover of a song co-written by Paul Anka and recorded by Frank Sinatra two years earlier. It’s that kind of big, let’s give it another go ballad, and she belts it quite proficiently. But it’s quite a bit short of being a standout.
5 - “Honey,” Bobby Goldsboro
The Floridian’s 1968 tearjerker was on its second run to #2 here. It caught me at the wrong or right time this time, because I teared up a little. Damn you Goldsboro!
4 - “Hurt So Good,” Susan Cadogan
Jamaican Cadogan had her biggest hit with a reggae cover of Millie Jackson’s 1971 hit about a relationship that’s worth the moments of misery. Well done, although the amount of misery described in the song could be seen as unhealthy
3 - “Stand By Your Man,” Tammy Wynette
Speaking of songs that can be interpreted as questionable advice, here’s the 1969 country classic by Mississippi-born Virginia Pugh, finally released here and on its way to the top. I think the song is more good relationship guidance for both sexes rather than a call for women to take whatever shit their man gives them, but I can see given the charged atmosphere of the times how it could be seen as retrograde scolding.
2 - “Loving You,” Minnie Riperton
This ballad best remebered for those high notes was a #1 in the States, a #2 here, and a #3 in Canada. There should be a name for that. I’ll call it a Pinfall, like in wrestling. One...two...three. Ding Ding Ding! No, I’ll call it a Dinger instead.
And your 43-year-old Number One is.
1 - “Oh Boy,” Mud
The third band last #1 for the Carshalton glam era was this cover of Buddy Holly’s 1958 teen romance raveup. They slow it down and have a woman do a sultry spoken-word break. It doesn’t work for me.
There you go. Next time: the tournament returns.
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 May 10,1975 Part One
May 1975. Um,,,there was some sort of reorganization of local governments in Scotland. That’s...something. Let’s see if the charts were more newsworthy.
40 - “Israelites,” Desmond Dekker and the Aces
Born Desmond Dacres in 1941, this Jamaican was the first artist to get high on major nations’ charts with reggae, reaching #1 here and #9 in the States with this tale of a young man who lives in poverty in spite of working, to the point where his family leaves him and he contemplates crime, although he fears the consequences (“I don’t want to end up like Bonnie and Clyde.”). It was rereleased at this time, and returned to the British Top Ten. My parents had the 45 of this, and it fascinated me with its alien sound. And it’s still probably my favourite ska record ever.
39 - “Hasta La Vista,” Sylvia
Swede Sylvia Vrethammar sings some lite-pop in foreign languages. The titles are in Spanish, but I think the lyrics are in German. It’s a United Nations of suck.
38 - “Autobahn,” Kraftwerk
Another encounter with our favourite German synth track about highway driving. It never fails to thrill. The closest I’ll ever get to flying at 200 kph through the Black Forest.
37 - “Stand by Me,” - John Lennon
This is a decent cover, but it’s much less interesting than the story behind it’s parent album, Rock n’Roll. Lennon agreed to make a covers album to settle a lawsuit from a music publisher over a Chuck Berry lyric quoted in “Come Together.” He chose Phil Spector to produce, but not surprisingly, Spector behaved erratically, eventually running off with the master tapes, and then getting into a car accident which left him in a coma. Lennon retrieved the tapes, but he decided to put the album in hold and make a different one. However, the aggrieved publisher was frustrated with the delay, so when John gave him a copy of the unfinished masters, the publisher released them on an album he made available through TV mail-order. He was forced to stop after three days, but he did get the official album rush-released. Ah, the old-school, cutthroat record business.
36 - “Sing Baby Sing,” The Stylistics
The Philly group’s fifth Top Ten here was this feel-good number about newlyweds. It’s kind of like “Hot Fun in the Summertime,” but with weddings instead of county fairs.
35 - “Wombling White Tie and Tails,” The Wombles
Another number by the proto-freegan mammalian puppets. It’s about one of them fantasizing about being a star of Hollywood musicals in the Fred Astaire vein. It does get a little icky when a character affects a Mae West voice and says “Womble up and see me sometime.” Even if I could, I wouldn’t.
34 - “The Funky Gibbon,” The Goodies
The sketch comedy trio of Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie were on British television throughout the 70s, and they also managed five hits, the biggest being this silly funk tune about dancing like one of the smaller members of the ape family. As novelty fare goes, its more on the entertaining side than the annoying one.
33 - “I Get the Sweetest Feeling/Higher and Higher,” Jackie Wilson
A reissue of two of Mr. Excitement’s late 60s. The B side is better-known, but the A is a strutting showcase of the man’s voice and style. Both are all-star soul.
32 - “Lady Marmalade,” Labelle
The tale of a man’s memorable dalliance with a Big Easy prostitute did the North American #1 double, but only got to #17 here. To me, that’s a mocha-choca-lotta-no-no.
31 - “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles,” West Ham United Cup Squad
This song turns 100 this year, and hear we find the football club who adopted it performing a disco-reggae version to celebrate reaching the FA Cup Final. They would beat Fulham 2-0 to lift the trophy for only the second time. Fortune was not hiding from them that day.
30 - “Save Me,” Silver Convention
Before their better known hits “Fly Robin Fly” and “Get Up and Boogie,” this German disco outfit had this hit. A little faster and funkier, but with the same minimum of lyrics.
29 - “Skiing in the Snow,” Wigan’s Ovation
This track was first popularized by the Northern Soul community in the form of a 1965 version by the Invitations. There was no official version widely available, so producer Russ Winstanley got an unknown Wigan band to rename themselves and record a cover, which although derided by purists, made it to #12. I’ve never heard the Invitations, but it can’t be anything but better than this damp squib.
28 - “Once Bitten Twice Shy,” Ian Hunter
The former Mott the Hoople frontman had his biggest solo success with this tale of the “education” of a groupie. Terrific sleazy rock. And let’s expunge that Great White cover from the record, shall we? I still say their egotistic longing for past glories is what led to the Station tragedy.
27 - “Don’t Do it Baby,” Mac and Katie Kissoon
The Trinidadian-British brother/sister duo’s 1971 U.S, hit version of “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep” was overshadowed by another take in theirt adopted homeland, but they would manage a handful of other hits here, including this please-don’t-leave pop tune. Nothing interesting about it.
26 - “Papa Oom Mow Mow,” The Sharonettes
Another white-bread Northern Soul cover by a band found by an opportunistic producer, this one of a 1962 number by The Rivingtons. This is a little better than Wigan’s Ovation, but still, I’m holding my applause.
25 - “Where is the Love,” Betty Wright
Miamian Wright is best known at home for her 1971 Top Ten “Clean Up Woman,” but her only Brit I hit was this disco-funk calling out of a man bot living up to his promises. Sublime, and maybe the best thing Harry Wayne Casey was ever involved with...
24 - “Get Down Tonight,” KC and the Sunshine Band
...but this one might be #2. The template of the Sunshine Band formula, and one that was never improved upon. I don’t know that Britain was wrong to deny it a Triple Crown, but it should have gotten a bit higher than #21 at least.
23 - “Sorry Doesn’t Always Make It Right,” Diana Ross
Miss Ross shines on this harmonica-accented ballad about lingering breakup pain. An underheard artistic high point by the Supreme diva.
22 - “The Way We Were/Try to Remember,” Gladys Knight and the Pips
This soul interpretation of Streisand’s Oscar-winning movie theme, with some Fantasticks thrown in for good measure, not only charted higher here than in the states, it outcharted Babs’ original. And I can’t say that’s wrong. This is GK just killing it.
21 - “Fox on the Run,” Sweet
The groupie ode was a Triple Top Five in its day, and returned to mainstream consciousness four decades later thanks to Guardians of the Galaxy. Speaking of which, I haven’t seen Infinity War yet. That’s right, I’m the one.
In Part Two: we will dine on soup, honey, and...wet dirt.
40 - “Israelites,” Desmond Dekker and the Aces
Born Desmond Dacres in 1941, this Jamaican was the first artist to get high on major nations’ charts with reggae, reaching #1 here and #9 in the States with this tale of a young man who lives in poverty in spite of working, to the point where his family leaves him and he contemplates crime, although he fears the consequences (“I don’t want to end up like Bonnie and Clyde.”). It was rereleased at this time, and returned to the British Top Ten. My parents had the 45 of this, and it fascinated me with its alien sound. And it’s still probably my favourite ska record ever.
39 - “Hasta La Vista,” Sylvia
Swede Sylvia Vrethammar sings some lite-pop in foreign languages. The titles are in Spanish, but I think the lyrics are in German. It’s a United Nations of suck.
38 - “Autobahn,” Kraftwerk
Another encounter with our favourite German synth track about highway driving. It never fails to thrill. The closest I’ll ever get to flying at 200 kph through the Black Forest.
37 - “Stand by Me,” - John Lennon
This is a decent cover, but it’s much less interesting than the story behind it’s parent album, Rock n’Roll. Lennon agreed to make a covers album to settle a lawsuit from a music publisher over a Chuck Berry lyric quoted in “Come Together.” He chose Phil Spector to produce, but not surprisingly, Spector behaved erratically, eventually running off with the master tapes, and then getting into a car accident which left him in a coma. Lennon retrieved the tapes, but he decided to put the album in hold and make a different one. However, the aggrieved publisher was frustrated with the delay, so when John gave him a copy of the unfinished masters, the publisher released them on an album he made available through TV mail-order. He was forced to stop after three days, but he did get the official album rush-released. Ah, the old-school, cutthroat record business.
36 - “Sing Baby Sing,” The Stylistics
The Philly group’s fifth Top Ten here was this feel-good number about newlyweds. It’s kind of like “Hot Fun in the Summertime,” but with weddings instead of county fairs.
35 - “Wombling White Tie and Tails,” The Wombles
Another number by the proto-freegan mammalian puppets. It’s about one of them fantasizing about being a star of Hollywood musicals in the Fred Astaire vein. It does get a little icky when a character affects a Mae West voice and says “Womble up and see me sometime.” Even if I could, I wouldn’t.
34 - “The Funky Gibbon,” The Goodies
The sketch comedy trio of Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie were on British television throughout the 70s, and they also managed five hits, the biggest being this silly funk tune about dancing like one of the smaller members of the ape family. As novelty fare goes, its more on the entertaining side than the annoying one.
33 - “I Get the Sweetest Feeling/Higher and Higher,” Jackie Wilson
A reissue of two of Mr. Excitement’s late 60s. The B side is better-known, but the A is a strutting showcase of the man’s voice and style. Both are all-star soul.
32 - “Lady Marmalade,” Labelle
The tale of a man’s memorable dalliance with a Big Easy prostitute did the North American #1 double, but only got to #17 here. To me, that’s a mocha-choca-lotta-no-no.
31 - “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles,” West Ham United Cup Squad
This song turns 100 this year, and hear we find the football club who adopted it performing a disco-reggae version to celebrate reaching the FA Cup Final. They would beat Fulham 2-0 to lift the trophy for only the second time. Fortune was not hiding from them that day.
30 - “Save Me,” Silver Convention
Before their better known hits “Fly Robin Fly” and “Get Up and Boogie,” this German disco outfit had this hit. A little faster and funkier, but with the same minimum of lyrics.
29 - “Skiing in the Snow,” Wigan’s Ovation
This track was first popularized by the Northern Soul community in the form of a 1965 version by the Invitations. There was no official version widely available, so producer Russ Winstanley got an unknown Wigan band to rename themselves and record a cover, which although derided by purists, made it to #12. I’ve never heard the Invitations, but it can’t be anything but better than this damp squib.
28 - “Once Bitten Twice Shy,” Ian Hunter
The former Mott the Hoople frontman had his biggest solo success with this tale of the “education” of a groupie. Terrific sleazy rock. And let’s expunge that Great White cover from the record, shall we? I still say their egotistic longing for past glories is what led to the Station tragedy.
27 - “Don’t Do it Baby,” Mac and Katie Kissoon
The Trinidadian-British brother/sister duo’s 1971 U.S, hit version of “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep” was overshadowed by another take in theirt adopted homeland, but they would manage a handful of other hits here, including this please-don’t-leave pop tune. Nothing interesting about it.
26 - “Papa Oom Mow Mow,” The Sharonettes
Another white-bread Northern Soul cover by a band found by an opportunistic producer, this one of a 1962 number by The Rivingtons. This is a little better than Wigan’s Ovation, but still, I’m holding my applause.
25 - “Where is the Love,” Betty Wright
Miamian Wright is best known at home for her 1971 Top Ten “Clean Up Woman,” but her only Brit I hit was this disco-funk calling out of a man bot living up to his promises. Sublime, and maybe the best thing Harry Wayne Casey was ever involved with...
24 - “Get Down Tonight,” KC and the Sunshine Band
...but this one might be #2. The template of the Sunshine Band formula, and one that was never improved upon. I don’t know that Britain was wrong to deny it a Triple Crown, but it should have gotten a bit higher than #21 at least.
23 - “Sorry Doesn’t Always Make It Right,” Diana Ross
Miss Ross shines on this harmonica-accented ballad about lingering breakup pain. An underheard artistic high point by the Supreme diva.
22 - “The Way We Were/Try to Remember,” Gladys Knight and the Pips
This soul interpretation of Streisand’s Oscar-winning movie theme, with some Fantasticks thrown in for good measure, not only charted higher here than in the states, it outcharted Babs’ original. And I can’t say that’s wrong. This is GK just killing it.
21 - “Fox on the Run,” Sweet
The groupie ode was a Triple Top Five in its day, and returned to mainstream consciousness four decades later thanks to Guardians of the Galaxy. Speaking of which, I haven’t seen Infinity War yet. That’s right, I’m the one.
In Part Two: we will dine on soup, honey, and...wet dirt.
Wednesday, May 16, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 April 27, 1985 Part Two
Finishing ‘85.
20 - “Feel So Real,” Steve Arrington
20 - “Feel So Real,” Steve Arrington
Ohioan Arrington mainly charted on the R&B list at home both solo and with the band Slave, but he picked up a Top Five here with this danceable love jam. Nice, and some of the lyrics could be seen as indicative of the religious conversion he would soon make, which would keep him out of secular music for a quarter-century.
19 - “Eye to Eye,” Chaka Khan
Chaka’s fifth and final non-remix U.K. hit was this jazz-funker about a dying relationship. Don’t worry Chaka, I still feel for you.
18 - “The Heat is On,” Glenn Frey
The Eagle’s biggest solo hit here was this totally 80s soundtrack product. Well, at least it didn’t even go Top Ten. Leaves me very cold.
17 - “Love is a Battlefield,” Pat Benatar
This was the highest Pat ever got here, and it came almost two years after this song was first released. That’s a big miss. This is among the best chick-rock moments ever.
16 - “Spend the Night,” Cool Notes
The biggest of two hits for these funksters was this booty call request. Average for the genre.
15 - “Life in a Northern Town,” Dream Academy
The biggest hit for this London trio only got this high here, but was a Top Ten in North America. We
were right. This is well-constructed pop beauty.
were right. This is well-constructed pop beauty.
14 - “Black Man Ray,” China Crisis
The third hit by the band from Kirkby was this midtempo number about uncertainty. I’m not sure who Ray is, and what he has to do with it. I’m thinking Ray Charles, but yes, yes, I could be wrong.
13 - “Easy Lover,” Philip Bailey and Phil Collins
The boisterous rock duet between the voices of Earth Wind and Fire and Genesis almost won a Triple Crown, but America held it to #2. It deserved the headgear. This is just catchy, perfect 80s mainstream rock.
12 - “Welcome to the Pleasuredome,” Frankie Goes to Hollywood
After three straight #1s out of the gate, the Frankies fell one place short with single number four, a song that is either a celebration or a condemnation of excessive lifestyles. It’s arresting either way, and you know there was a lot of cheekiness in their choice to replace the word “decree” from the Samuel Taylor Coleridge poem with “erect.”
11 - “Lover Come Back to Me,” Dead or Alive
The follow-up to the #1 “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record),” is more earwormy Stock/Aitken/Waterman dance-pop. I kind of wish the SAW boys would have put together a duet between Pete Burns and Kylie Minogue. That would have had epic potential.
What do you hear, Top Ten or Taurel Tanny?
What do you hear, Top Ten or Taurel Tanny?
10 - “Look Mama,” Howard Jones
HoJo’s sixth and final home Top Ten was this about an adult trying to convince his mother to cut the proverbial apron strings. It wasn’t released as a single in North America, and even though Imlike it quite a bit, I think that was the right call.
9 - “We Close Our Eyes,” Go West
The first and biggest domestic hit for the London duo was this big-heated dance track about seizing the day and not avoiding risk. To me, it’s the crown jewel of the white British synthfunk sub genre.
8 - “Don’t You (Forget About Me),” Simple Minds
Britain blocked the Breakfast Club smash from a Triple Crown, but it did at least make it the Minds’ first Top Ten, so they only just avoid detention in the library.
7 - “I Feel Love (Medley),” Bronski Beat and Marc Almond
The disco/new wave trio teamed up with Almond, who had recently departed Soft Cell, on a mashup of two Donna Summer classics, the title song and “Love to Love You Baby.” Nothing groundbreaking here, but the liberated energy of Almond and Jimmy Somerville’s vocal performances give it enough of a kick to make it special.
The disco/new wave trio teamed up with Almond, who had recently departed Soft Cell, on a mashup of two Donna Summer classics, the title song and “Love to Love You Baby.” Nothing groundbreaking here, but the liberated energy of Almond and Jimmy Somerville’s vocal performances give it enough of a kick to make it special.
6 - “Clouds Across the Moon,” RAH Band
The second of two Top Tens for Richard Anthony Hewson was this jazzy number on which his wife Liz makes an intergalactic phone call to her husband, who is fighting some sort of war on Mars. As sci-fi pop goes, it’s more tongue-in-cheek than, say, “Silent Running,” but maybe that’s why I like it more.
5 - “Could it be I’m Falling in Love,” David Grant and Jaki Graham
The British duo had the biggest of their two duet hits with this cover of a 1972 Spinners classic. They sing it well, but it’s just not distinct enough to matter.
4 - “One More Night,” Phil Collins
For the second time this week, Britain denies Phil a Triple Crown, only letting this soul ballad get this high. It’s a professional job, for all the good and bad that implies.
3 - “Move Closer,” Phyllis Nelson
Jacksonville, Florida’s Nelson had only one major moment of success, but it did involve this sultry sex ballad topping the charts here. It’s very effective for its intended purposes, shall we say.
2 - “Everybody Wants to Rule the World,” Tears for Fears
Another U.K. act denied a Triple Crown by the homeland. I guess it’s true, you can’t always get what you want.
1 - “We Are the World,” USA for Africa
Not surprisingly, the American reaction to “Do They Know It’s Christmas” was a Triple Crown winner, and topped charts in at least fourteen other countries. Not among those were Austria and Germany, where it only got to #2. No, I don’t know what, if anything, that says. It’s just a fact I discovered.
It’ll be Britain again next time, but the tournament will resume soon. Stay tuned and good day.
It’ll be Britain again next time, but the tournament will resume soon. Stay tuned and good day.
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 April 27, 1985 Part One
Spring 1985. Egyptian Mohamed Al-Fayed buys the iconic London department store Herrod’s. This wouldn’t be the last time his family would be involved in a highly symbolic British institution. Meanwhile, on the chart...
40 - “Kiss Me,” Stephen “Tin Tin” Duffy
From Birmingham, Duffy was a co-founder of Duran Duran, but he left before they signed their record deal. His biggest success came with the third version of this song, a piece of evocative synthpop about love and longing. Depending on personal taste, it may or may not be better than wine.
39 - “I Want Your Lovin’,” Curtis Hairston
The biggest success for North Carolinian Hairston was this bit of loneliness breakbeat funk. Decent, but not outstanding.
38- “Do What You Do,” Jermaine Jackson
The #2 Jackson brother had his biggest hit here with this let’s-go-back-to-how-we-used-to-be ballad. Good, but in that family, good is disappointing.
37 - “Cry,” Godley and Creme
The third and most famous hit by the 10cc refugees-turned-video directors. The video was groundbreaking, but don’t let that detract from the greatness of the song itself.
36 - “No Rest,” New Model Army
These outspoken Bradford rockers have had a handful of singles crack the bottom half of the Top 40, the first being this tune that wonders if the wicked ever stop to comtemplate their actions. 80s indie with a message, but it doesn’t outright preach, so it works.
35 - “Super Gran,” Billy Connolly
Glaswegian Connolly has had a long and successful career as a stand-up comedian, but he has also dented the pop charts on a few occasions, including this theme song to a children’s sitcom about an elderly Scotswoman who develops extraordinary powers. The lyrics proclaim her superiority to, among others, Superman, Spider-Man, Batman, The A-Team’s B.A. Baracus, Sylvester Stallone, Wonder Woman, and Charlie’s Angels. Irresistibly dumb fun, and a cinch Uneasy Rider. Oh, and I will proclaim until my dying day that Connolly should have played Hagrid.
34 - “Rhythm of the Night,” DeBarge
A triple Top Five from Motown’s top 80s family. It just sounds....lacking to me.
33 - “Won’t You Hold My Hand Now,” King
The second of five hits for these Coventry New Wavers was this song that compares love to playing cards and talks about parking fines for some reason. A decent genre piece.
32 - “Hangin’ on a String (Contemplating),” Loose Ends
Not only was this funk groove the biggest home hit for these Londoners, it also made them the first British group to have a #1 R&B hit in the U.S. I find it more than worthy.
31 - “Would I Lie to You,” Eurythmics
Top Five in North America, but only #17 here. That may not seem right, but think about it, would I say something that wasn’t true.
30 - “Grimly Fiendish,” The Damned
The third hit for the punks-turned-goths was this song inspired by a cartoon villain. Suitably faux-menacing. I wish a Canadian band would write a song about Snidely Whiplash. For all I know, one has.
29 - “Wide Boy,” Nik Kershaw
The sixth hit for this Bristol rocker is poppy fluff about a guy who finds fame despite his lack of talent. Don’t worry Nik, I don’t feel that way about you.
28 - “That Was Yesterday,” Foreigner
This was the last of a mere five hits for these half-Brits. And it wasn’t among their best work.
27 - “Stainsby Girls,” Chris Rea
Rea’s long-coming second Top 40 was this reminiscence of falling in love with the type of girl you don’t bring home to Mum, so to speak. Judging by this, he had more to offer than just “Fool if You Think it’s Over.”
26 - “Pie Jesu,” Sarah Brightman and Paul Miles-Kingston
Brightman’s first hit in her faux-classical diva persona was this duet with 13-year-old male soprano Miles-Kingston on a section of the Catholic Requiem Mass. I guess they did okay, but why anyone would want to hear this outside of a funeral is beyond me.
25 - “Everytime You Go Away,” Paul Young
Only Paul’s countrymen kept this from a Triple Crown. Were they resentful that he took pieces of the, when he had success across the pond.
24 - “That Ole Devil Called Love,” Alison Moyet
The fourth and biggest hit for the ex-Yazoo front woman was this straight jazz-blues cover of a 1944 song first recorded by Billie Holiday. Moyet isn’t Billie by any stretch, but her voice is a different kind of smoke, and it’s mighty flavourful.
23 - “I Was Born to Love You,” Freddie Mercury
Freddie’s second solo hit sees him taking a shot at unleashing his inner disco diva. And of course, he’s a natural. Nobody puts Freddie in a corner. He’ll strut his way out, and woe to he who stands in his way. God bless him.
22 - “So Far Away,” Dire Straits
The least successful Brothers in Arms single. I think it’s better than “Walk of Life,”though.
21 - “Can’t Fight This Feeling,” REO Speedwagon
Yeah, we made this shit power ballad a double #1 on this side of the pond. Here, it was just Top Twenty. Cheers for fighting that feeling, mates.
In Part Two: Look-don’t look! Run the world-be the world! And feel the love, but not too much.
40 - “Kiss Me,” Stephen “Tin Tin” Duffy
From Birmingham, Duffy was a co-founder of Duran Duran, but he left before they signed their record deal. His biggest success came with the third version of this song, a piece of evocative synthpop about love and longing. Depending on personal taste, it may or may not be better than wine.
39 - “I Want Your Lovin’,” Curtis Hairston
The biggest success for North Carolinian Hairston was this bit of loneliness breakbeat funk. Decent, but not outstanding.
38- “Do What You Do,” Jermaine Jackson
The #2 Jackson brother had his biggest hit here with this let’s-go-back-to-how-we-used-to-be ballad. Good, but in that family, good is disappointing.
37 - “Cry,” Godley and Creme
The third and most famous hit by the 10cc refugees-turned-video directors. The video was groundbreaking, but don’t let that detract from the greatness of the song itself.
36 - “No Rest,” New Model Army
These outspoken Bradford rockers have had a handful of singles crack the bottom half of the Top 40, the first being this tune that wonders if the wicked ever stop to comtemplate their actions. 80s indie with a message, but it doesn’t outright preach, so it works.
35 - “Super Gran,” Billy Connolly
Glaswegian Connolly has had a long and successful career as a stand-up comedian, but he has also dented the pop charts on a few occasions, including this theme song to a children’s sitcom about an elderly Scotswoman who develops extraordinary powers. The lyrics proclaim her superiority to, among others, Superman, Spider-Man, Batman, The A-Team’s B.A. Baracus, Sylvester Stallone, Wonder Woman, and Charlie’s Angels. Irresistibly dumb fun, and a cinch Uneasy Rider. Oh, and I will proclaim until my dying day that Connolly should have played Hagrid.
34 - “Rhythm of the Night,” DeBarge
A triple Top Five from Motown’s top 80s family. It just sounds....lacking to me.
33 - “Won’t You Hold My Hand Now,” King
The second of five hits for these Coventry New Wavers was this song that compares love to playing cards and talks about parking fines for some reason. A decent genre piece.
32 - “Hangin’ on a String (Contemplating),” Loose Ends
Not only was this funk groove the biggest home hit for these Londoners, it also made them the first British group to have a #1 R&B hit in the U.S. I find it more than worthy.
31 - “Would I Lie to You,” Eurythmics
Top Five in North America, but only #17 here. That may not seem right, but think about it, would I say something that wasn’t true.
30 - “Grimly Fiendish,” The Damned
The third hit for the punks-turned-goths was this song inspired by a cartoon villain. Suitably faux-menacing. I wish a Canadian band would write a song about Snidely Whiplash. For all I know, one has.
29 - “Wide Boy,” Nik Kershaw
The sixth hit for this Bristol rocker is poppy fluff about a guy who finds fame despite his lack of talent. Don’t worry Nik, I don’t feel that way about you.
28 - “That Was Yesterday,” Foreigner
This was the last of a mere five hits for these half-Brits. And it wasn’t among their best work.
27 - “Stainsby Girls,” Chris Rea
Rea’s long-coming second Top 40 was this reminiscence of falling in love with the type of girl you don’t bring home to Mum, so to speak. Judging by this, he had more to offer than just “Fool if You Think it’s Over.”
26 - “Pie Jesu,” Sarah Brightman and Paul Miles-Kingston
Brightman’s first hit in her faux-classical diva persona was this duet with 13-year-old male soprano Miles-Kingston on a section of the Catholic Requiem Mass. I guess they did okay, but why anyone would want to hear this outside of a funeral is beyond me.
25 - “Everytime You Go Away,” Paul Young
Only Paul’s countrymen kept this from a Triple Crown. Were they resentful that he took pieces of the, when he had success across the pond.
24 - “That Ole Devil Called Love,” Alison Moyet
The fourth and biggest hit for the ex-Yazoo front woman was this straight jazz-blues cover of a 1944 song first recorded by Billie Holiday. Moyet isn’t Billie by any stretch, but her voice is a different kind of smoke, and it’s mighty flavourful.
23 - “I Was Born to Love You,” Freddie Mercury
Freddie’s second solo hit sees him taking a shot at unleashing his inner disco diva. And of course, he’s a natural. Nobody puts Freddie in a corner. He’ll strut his way out, and woe to he who stands in his way. God bless him.
22 - “So Far Away,” Dire Straits
The least successful Brothers in Arms single. I think it’s better than “Walk of Life,”though.
21 - “Can’t Fight This Feeling,” REO Speedwagon
Yeah, we made this shit power ballad a double #1 on this side of the pond. Here, it was just Top Twenty. Cheers for fighting that feeling, mates.
In Part Two: Look-don’t look! Run the world-be the world! And feel the love, but not too much.
Thursday, May 3, 2018
...And As Years Go By: CT50 April 4, 1987
Spring 1987 in Canada. Vancouver wheelchair athlete Rick Hansen was wrapping up his two year Man in Motion World Tour, which inspired millions, and also that cheesy song from St.Elmo’s Fire. Was the music he was coming home to any better? Let’s see.
Bonus Track: 51- “Flying on Your Own,” Rita MacNeil (CanCon!)
Born in 1944 in Big Pond, Nova Scotia, MacNeil didn’t begin her music career until her late 20s, and even then her career was inhibited by people unwilling to look past her weight and her cleft lip. But eventually, her talent got her noticed, and she broke through with her fourth album and its title track, this anthemic ballad encouraging women to let go of heartbreak and make their own way in the world. Her voice really stands out as a unique and inspiring instrument. From here, she wasn’t much of a presence in the charts, but she became less of a pop star than a well-loved national institution until her death in 2013.
49 - “Should I See,” Frozen Ghost (CanCon!)
The first hit by this Toronto band (and the only one to chart in America, peaking at #69) was this anti-censorship pop-rocker. Timely then, as the Tipper Gore/Parental Advisory controversy was still fresh. And timely now, for different reasons.
46 - “Nothing Can Stand in Your Way,” Zappacosta (CanCon!)
Italian-born Torontonian Alfredo Zappacosta had a handful of CanCon-powered radio hits, among them this mediocre power ballad about being okay with a lover finding a better life without him. I just never thought anything he did was as awesome as his name.
44 - “Make a Move On Me,” Veronique (CanCon!)
The lone Anglo hit for Quebec star Veronique Beliveau was this standard issue dance rocker. Best I can say is that it’s no better or worse than any of Taylor Dayne’s stuff.
41 -“Ain’t No Cure for Love,” Jennifer Warnes (CanCon!)
Beyond being the nondescript female voice on hit duets with Joe Cocker and Bill Medley, Warnes was a good friend of enigmatic Montreal singer/poet Leonard Cohen, and in 1986 she recorded an album of Cohen songs called Famous Blue Raincoat, which included two new Cohen compositions (both of which he would release himself the next year on the I’m Your Man album). One of these was this relatively straightforward love song about addictive affection. Yes, I still prefer Cohen’s material delivered by the man himself, but I must say both artists serve each other well here.
40 - “I’m an Adult Now,” The Pursuit of Happiness (CanCon!)
This Toronto band, fronted by Edmonton transplant Moe Berg, burst on top the scene with this independently-released single. It’s a catchy hard-rocker on which Berg laments that all aspects of his life are worse than they were in his youth, from responsibility (“I can sleep in till noon anytime I want, but there’s not many days that I do.”) to sex (“Adult sex is either boring or dirty. Young people can get away with murder.”) to drugs (“I’d sure look like a fool dead in a ditch somewhere with a mind full of chemicals like some cheese-eating high school boy.”). The band continued for the next decade with this mix of crunchy guitar, sweet harmonies, and Berg’s wry observations of life, love and lust, and they would be hooked up with big labels and big producers, but somehow they never made it past the level of high-end national-level bar band. Which is a damn shame, but on the upside, it meant I got to see them on several occasions at very little cost. Really, look them up. They’re fantastic.
39 - “Dancin’ With My Mirror,” Corey Hart (CanCon!)
The Montrealer’s dozenth home hit was this rock tune about how the titular activity makes him feel less lonely. Whatever works, I guess. My only question would be, sunglasses on or off?
37 - “Moonlight Desires,” Gowan (CanCon!)
Born in Glasgow but raised in Cayuga, Ontario, Lawrence Gowan broke through in the mid-80s, and by this time he had picked up enough cachet that Yes vocalist Jon Anderson agreed to perform backing vocals on this song about nightly passions. It’s very good, but there is more interesting stuff in his body of work that I’ll hopefully get to. Especially “A Criminal Mind.” Oh, and also, Gowan has been Dennis DeYoung’s replacement in Styx since 1999. Good for him. And them.
36 - “Holiday Rap,”MC Miker G and DJ Sven
The Dutch tandem of Lucien Witteveen and Sven van Veen had an international smash by rhyming inconsequentially over Madonna’s first hit and adding a rendition of the chorus of Cliff Richard’s “Summer Holiday.” It’s dumbly charming, and Miker G’s beatboxing isn’t bad. But I don’t think it’s a stain on America that they ignored this while we and the U.K. put it in the Top Ten.
33 - “Just One Night,” Triumph (CanCon!)
One of the last hits for this Toronto trio was this unremarkable power ballad whose composers included Journey’s Neal Schoen and future Mr. Big singer Eric Martin. They sounded like a spent force, and soon, singer Rik Emmett would leave.
29 - “Kiss You (When It’s Dangerous),” Eight Seconds (CanCon!)
The biggest hit for these Ottawa synthpoppers was this midtempo number about how the singer will only kiss his lover when she doesn’t want him to or when the circumstances are otherwise less than ideal. Um, that’s creepy, not sexy. You’d hope now we’d know the difference.
28 - “Dirty Water,” Rock and Hyde (CanCon!)
After years of struggling to break America with the negatively-received name Payolas, singer Paul Hyde and guitarist Bob Rock decided to rename their group after their surnames. The result was their biggest domestic hit in four years, and their highest charter in the U.S., even if it was only #61. The song is peppy synth-rock about someone who doesn’t care about you as much as they claim to. It’s not quite the Certified CanCon Classic that 1982’s “Eyes of a Stranger” is, but it’s a good barometer of what they were capable of.
25 - “Easy to Tame,” Kim Mitchell (CanCon!)
The king of what I call “cottage rock” had his fourth hit with this ditty about how a relationships can change when one party starts asserting more independence. I think that’s it. I’ve grown to appreciate this guy more as years have gone by. He was still better in Max Webster, but he did very good work alone.
19 - “Wild Horses,” Gino Vannelli (CanCon!)
The Montreal man’s third and last Top Ten was this sultry declaration of the depth of his attraction. He’s more convincingly sexy than I thought he could be here. I’m starting to see him as an underrated talent.
Top Ten don’t take no mess.
10 - “Will You Still Love Me,” Chicago
Were they asking this because of the firing of Peter Cetera. If so, I had stopped loving both of them by this time, so their was no “still” about it. They were long gone.
9 - “At This Moment,” Billy Vera and the Beaters
The impassioned ballad that soundtracked a Family Ties romance six years after it first came out went to the top here and in the States, but only got to #32 in Britain. What did you think, it would win a Triple Crown?
8 - “Lean on Me,” Club Nouveau
The funk cover of Bill Withers’ devotional was also denied a Triple Crown by the Brits, but it did at least get to #3 there. Besides, if they leaned with all their might too, these guys might have collapsed.
7 - “(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party),” The Beastie Boys
The double-bracketed classic by the bratty New Yorkers. And to this day, moms are jealous of their noise.
6 - “Montego Bay,” Amazulu
This British ska-pop group picked up a surprise hit here with a bouncy cover of Bobby Bloom’s 1970 ode to Jamaica. I heard this version first, and I still like it better.
5 - “The Final Countdown,” Europe
You just can never get tired of that synth fanfare, can you? I’m sure you just got an adrenaline rush thinking about it, right? Who’d have believed that the ideal song to herald the apocalypse would come from Swedish hair farmers?
4 - “Touch Me (I Want Your Body),” Samantha Fox
So of the Big Three, only we made the Page 3 model-turned-pop star’s debut single a Number One. Apparently, she touched us.
3 - “Livin’ on a Prayer,” Bon Jovi
Another Can-Am #1 held back by Britain, who pushed it to #4. Well, at least they can say they were more than two-thirds there. That’s farther than they thought.
2 - “Somewhere Out There,” Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram
The duet from the Spielberg cartoon about immigrant mice was a cross-border #2. It did a lot for people other than me. And that’s okay.
And at #1 21years ago was...
1 - “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now,” Starship
I don’t have any more bile left to spew for this Triple Crown winner. All I can add is that the Mannequin herself was played by Canada’s own Kim Cattrall. This was in between her roles in Porky’s and Sex and the City. In both those cases, she could not be accused of being motionless at all. And you could really say that nothing stopped her.
I’m backed up a bit, so next time it’s a return to Britain. See you then.
Bonus Track: 51- “Flying on Your Own,” Rita MacNeil (CanCon!)
Born in 1944 in Big Pond, Nova Scotia, MacNeil didn’t begin her music career until her late 20s, and even then her career was inhibited by people unwilling to look past her weight and her cleft lip. But eventually, her talent got her noticed, and she broke through with her fourth album and its title track, this anthemic ballad encouraging women to let go of heartbreak and make their own way in the world. Her voice really stands out as a unique and inspiring instrument. From here, she wasn’t much of a presence in the charts, but she became less of a pop star than a well-loved national institution until her death in 2013.
49 - “Should I See,” Frozen Ghost (CanCon!)
The first hit by this Toronto band (and the only one to chart in America, peaking at #69) was this anti-censorship pop-rocker. Timely then, as the Tipper Gore/Parental Advisory controversy was still fresh. And timely now, for different reasons.
46 - “Nothing Can Stand in Your Way,” Zappacosta (CanCon!)
Italian-born Torontonian Alfredo Zappacosta had a handful of CanCon-powered radio hits, among them this mediocre power ballad about being okay with a lover finding a better life without him. I just never thought anything he did was as awesome as his name.
44 - “Make a Move On Me,” Veronique (CanCon!)
The lone Anglo hit for Quebec star Veronique Beliveau was this standard issue dance rocker. Best I can say is that it’s no better or worse than any of Taylor Dayne’s stuff.
41 -“Ain’t No Cure for Love,” Jennifer Warnes (CanCon!)
Beyond being the nondescript female voice on hit duets with Joe Cocker and Bill Medley, Warnes was a good friend of enigmatic Montreal singer/poet Leonard Cohen, and in 1986 she recorded an album of Cohen songs called Famous Blue Raincoat, which included two new Cohen compositions (both of which he would release himself the next year on the I’m Your Man album). One of these was this relatively straightforward love song about addictive affection. Yes, I still prefer Cohen’s material delivered by the man himself, but I must say both artists serve each other well here.
40 - “I’m an Adult Now,” The Pursuit of Happiness (CanCon!)
This Toronto band, fronted by Edmonton transplant Moe Berg, burst on top the scene with this independently-released single. It’s a catchy hard-rocker on which Berg laments that all aspects of his life are worse than they were in his youth, from responsibility (“I can sleep in till noon anytime I want, but there’s not many days that I do.”) to sex (“Adult sex is either boring or dirty. Young people can get away with murder.”) to drugs (“I’d sure look like a fool dead in a ditch somewhere with a mind full of chemicals like some cheese-eating high school boy.”). The band continued for the next decade with this mix of crunchy guitar, sweet harmonies, and Berg’s wry observations of life, love and lust, and they would be hooked up with big labels and big producers, but somehow they never made it past the level of high-end national-level bar band. Which is a damn shame, but on the upside, it meant I got to see them on several occasions at very little cost. Really, look them up. They’re fantastic.
39 - “Dancin’ With My Mirror,” Corey Hart (CanCon!)
The Montrealer’s dozenth home hit was this rock tune about how the titular activity makes him feel less lonely. Whatever works, I guess. My only question would be, sunglasses on or off?
37 - “Moonlight Desires,” Gowan (CanCon!)
Born in Glasgow but raised in Cayuga, Ontario, Lawrence Gowan broke through in the mid-80s, and by this time he had picked up enough cachet that Yes vocalist Jon Anderson agreed to perform backing vocals on this song about nightly passions. It’s very good, but there is more interesting stuff in his body of work that I’ll hopefully get to. Especially “A Criminal Mind.” Oh, and also, Gowan has been Dennis DeYoung’s replacement in Styx since 1999. Good for him. And them.
36 - “Holiday Rap,”MC Miker G and DJ Sven
The Dutch tandem of Lucien Witteveen and Sven van Veen had an international smash by rhyming inconsequentially over Madonna’s first hit and adding a rendition of the chorus of Cliff Richard’s “Summer Holiday.” It’s dumbly charming, and Miker G’s beatboxing isn’t bad. But I don’t think it’s a stain on America that they ignored this while we and the U.K. put it in the Top Ten.
33 - “Just One Night,” Triumph (CanCon!)
One of the last hits for this Toronto trio was this unremarkable power ballad whose composers included Journey’s Neal Schoen and future Mr. Big singer Eric Martin. They sounded like a spent force, and soon, singer Rik Emmett would leave.
29 - “Kiss You (When It’s Dangerous),” Eight Seconds (CanCon!)
The biggest hit for these Ottawa synthpoppers was this midtempo number about how the singer will only kiss his lover when she doesn’t want him to or when the circumstances are otherwise less than ideal. Um, that’s creepy, not sexy. You’d hope now we’d know the difference.
28 - “Dirty Water,” Rock and Hyde (CanCon!)
After years of struggling to break America with the negatively-received name Payolas, singer Paul Hyde and guitarist Bob Rock decided to rename their group after their surnames. The result was their biggest domestic hit in four years, and their highest charter in the U.S., even if it was only #61. The song is peppy synth-rock about someone who doesn’t care about you as much as they claim to. It’s not quite the Certified CanCon Classic that 1982’s “Eyes of a Stranger” is, but it’s a good barometer of what they were capable of.
25 - “Easy to Tame,” Kim Mitchell (CanCon!)
The king of what I call “cottage rock” had his fourth hit with this ditty about how a relationships can change when one party starts asserting more independence. I think that’s it. I’ve grown to appreciate this guy more as years have gone by. He was still better in Max Webster, but he did very good work alone.
19 - “Wild Horses,” Gino Vannelli (CanCon!)
The Montreal man’s third and last Top Ten was this sultry declaration of the depth of his attraction. He’s more convincingly sexy than I thought he could be here. I’m starting to see him as an underrated talent.
Top Ten don’t take no mess.
10 - “Will You Still Love Me,” Chicago
Were they asking this because of the firing of Peter Cetera. If so, I had stopped loving both of them by this time, so their was no “still” about it. They were long gone.
9 - “At This Moment,” Billy Vera and the Beaters
The impassioned ballad that soundtracked a Family Ties romance six years after it first came out went to the top here and in the States, but only got to #32 in Britain. What did you think, it would win a Triple Crown?
8 - “Lean on Me,” Club Nouveau
The funk cover of Bill Withers’ devotional was also denied a Triple Crown by the Brits, but it did at least get to #3 there. Besides, if they leaned with all their might too, these guys might have collapsed.
7 - “(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party),” The Beastie Boys
The double-bracketed classic by the bratty New Yorkers. And to this day, moms are jealous of their noise.
6 - “Montego Bay,” Amazulu
This British ska-pop group picked up a surprise hit here with a bouncy cover of Bobby Bloom’s 1970 ode to Jamaica. I heard this version first, and I still like it better.
5 - “The Final Countdown,” Europe
You just can never get tired of that synth fanfare, can you? I’m sure you just got an adrenaline rush thinking about it, right? Who’d have believed that the ideal song to herald the apocalypse would come from Swedish hair farmers?
4 - “Touch Me (I Want Your Body),” Samantha Fox
So of the Big Three, only we made the Page 3 model-turned-pop star’s debut single a Number One. Apparently, she touched us.
3 - “Livin’ on a Prayer,” Bon Jovi
Another Can-Am #1 held back by Britain, who pushed it to #4. Well, at least they can say they were more than two-thirds there. That’s farther than they thought.
2 - “Somewhere Out There,” Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram
The duet from the Spielberg cartoon about immigrant mice was a cross-border #2. It did a lot for people other than me. And that’s okay.
And at #1 21years ago was...
1 - “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now,” Starship
I don’t have any more bile left to spew for this Triple Crown winner. All I can add is that the Mannequin herself was played by Canada’s own Kim Cattrall. This was in between her roles in Porky’s and Sex and the City. In both those cases, she could not be accused of being motionless at all. And you could really say that nothing stopped her.
I’m backed up a bit, so next time it’s a return to Britain. See you then.
Friday, April 20, 2018
The Old Man’s Ultimate Grand Championship Uneasy Rider Tournament: Round 1, Part Three
The third group of 32 songs in our little tournament. There are a couple of different themes here that you might be able to pick up. And this is probably the most competitive group so far.
THE END BOWL
“D.O.A.,” Bloodrock, 1971
vs. “Don’t Fear The Reaper,” Blue Oyster Cult, 1976
Two songs about death. First, Texas hard rockers Bloodrock went to #36 with a power ballad sung from the point of view of a man dying from injuries suffered in a plane crash. Five years later, Long Island’s Blue Ouster Cult reached #12 with a song sung from the point of view of Death itself, reassuring the souls he takes that there is nothing to be afraid of from him.
Final Score: D.O.A. 55, Reaper 40. No pun intended, but this was a fight to the finish. But in the end, Bloodrock’s willingness to go all in with an ambulance siren and gruesomely evocative lyrics prevailed over the Cult’s almost romantic approach.
THE DEAD MEN HAD NAMES BOWL
“Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
vs. “Freddie’s Dead,” Curtis Mayfield, 1972
A pair of songs about men who died tragically. First, Pennsylvania’s Buoys got to number 17 with a song about three miners who were trapped together in a shaft. Only two, however, are found by rescuers, while the third has disappeared without a trace. Wonder how that happened? The next year, Chicago soul star Mayfield with a lament for a man who got swallowed by the streets and drugs and met an untimely end.
Final Score: Timothy 49, Freddie 10. Curtis’ team got off to a hot start. Then, the Buoys called a timeout and huddled up on the sideline. When they came back on the field, they were one player short, and the rest of the team were wiping their mouths. Rumours began to circulate throughout the stadium about what had happened, eventually reaching the field. Suddenly, the Mayfield boys didn’t seem to have the stomach for this contest. The Buoys just seemed to be the hungrier team on this day.
THE DON’T TAKE YOUR GUNS TO TOWN BOWL
“I Shot the Sheriff,” Eric Clapton, 1974
vs. “Saturday Night Special,” Lynyrd Skynyrd, 1975
A couple songs about murder with firearms. The man they call Slowhand went to #1 with a cover of Bob Marley’s tale of killing a law enforcement officer in self-defence. The next year, everyone’s favourite vowel-averse Southern rockers got to #27 with a rocker about how cheap handguns lead to impulsive acts of violence that are regrettable and unnecessary.
Final Score: Special 38, Sheriff 22. Yes, getting a song about murdering the police major airplay more than a decade before gangsta rap became a thing was pretty extraordinary. But it couldn’t compete with the element of surprise that comes from a group of proud Southern boys advocating for handgun control. No one saw that coming. It was a truly special victory for the Skynyrds.
THE MURDER IS A STATE OF MIND BOWL
“Indiana Wants Me,” R. Dean Taylor, 1970
vs. “ The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia,” Vicki Lawrence, 1973
Two hits about crimes of passion and the people who commit them. First, Canadian Taylor, who mainly made his living as a Motown staff songwriter, went to #5 with a song about a man running from the law after killing a man who insulted his wife. Three years later, Lawrence, best known as a comic actress on The Carol Burnett Show, went to #1 with a tale of a man falsely executed for
murdering his wife’s lover when in fact the murder, and that nof his “missing” wife, was committed by his sister, who “don’t miss when she aims her gun.”
Final Score: Indiana 24, Georgia 21. A close one, but Taylor won it with a daring run to the end zone when the game was on the line, while Lawrence just stood there and watched it happen instead of doing something to stop it. Then the stadium went dark, and Taylor’s team disappeared. We hope they’ll make it to play their next game.
THE DAMN, YOU’RE NOT IN A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW BOWL
“Alone Again (Naturally),” Gilbert O’Sullivan, 1972
vs. “Seasons in the Sun,” Terry Jacks, 1974
Two of the most depressing Number Ones ever. First, Irishman O’Sullivan turned the trick with about a man on his way to commit suicide, having lost faith in God after being stood up at his wedding and having both his parents die. Then, Canadian Jacks got to the top with a song where he portrays a dying man saying very maudlin goodbyes to friends and family.
Final Score: Gilbert 7, Terry 0. This was a sad display. No one was motivated to do anything. The game seemed like it would be a never ending scoreless stalemate until someone told Gilbert that the end zone was electrified and stepping into it would end his misery. He was suddenly determined to get there, and he managed to forlornly shuffle his way in just as the final gun sounded. To his dismay, he was still alive after the game, and is now forced to go through this misery at least one more time. With his last breath, Jacks laughed bitterly.
THE IF I CAN’T HAVE HIM, NO ONE CAN BOWL
“Dark Lady,” Cher, 1974
vs. “Angie Baby,” Helen Reddy, 1974
Two more charttoppers, these about women who trap men into horrible fates. First, Cher visits a fortune teller and learns that her man is being unfaithful, then learns that the fortune teller herself is the other woman. Naturally, she shoots them dead on the spot. Then, Reddy tells of a girl who has an active fantasy life built around songs she hears on the radio. One day, a neighbor boy comes over to her house with impure intentions, but Angie somehow traps him and...kills him? Kidnaps him and makes him her sex slave? Does the boy even exist? It’s not clear.
Final Score: Helen 3, Cher 0 (forfeit). A bizarre situation. The Cher team seemed to be thrown when they were approached by a psychic, who told them not to bother showing up to the game. Despite this, they took the field, but as they did, some strange music came blaring over the PA. Then it slowly got quieter and quieter, and then Cher and her team seemed to vanish into thin air. Helen then led her team out, and they all stood around confused for a while, wondering where their opponents went. A search was conducted, and attempts at contact were made, but after an hour, Angie Baby was declared the walkover winner. The whereabouts of Cher and company remain a mystery, and officials have announced that there will be enchanted security measures at the next Angie Baby game, with special attention given to limiting access to the public address system.
THE SEX=DEATH BOWL
“Judy Mae,” Boomer Castleman, 1975
vs. “ Run Joey Run,” David Geddes, 1975
Two songs about sexual encounters that lead to tragedy. First, Texan Castleman went to #33 with a country-folk tune about a teen boy who is seduced by his father’s new young wife, only to have his dad catch them together and drive off in a distraught state, causing a fatal accident. That same year, Michigander Geddes had a #4 with a song about a teenager whose girlfriend is abused by her father after he finds out she’s pregnant. He comes to her aid, but her father attempts to shoot him, but Julie, the girlfriend, takes the bullet and dies.
Final Score: Joey 56, Judy 6. A dominant performance by the Geddes team. Boomer tried to just be subtle and quiet and hoped to stay close until a big finish, but with constant, overwhelming melodrama, Joey ran all over them.
THE WE MIGHT AS WELL COME OVER THERE OURSELVES BOWL
“Billy, Don’t Be a Hero,” Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods
vs. “The Night Chicago Died,” Paper Lace, 1974
Two historical tales that were both hits at home for Britain’s Paper Lace, but only one of them succeeded in its original form in the U.S. First, Cincinnati’s Donaldson and company took the Lace’s U.K. charttopper about a young man who volunteers for a war and dies risking his life despite his fiancee’s explicit instructions to the contrary to #1 themselves. Paper Lace decided not to make that same mistake with their next single, a story about a Chicago policeman who survives the Prohibition-era war between the cops and Al Capone’s gang, and they were rewarded with an American Number One of their own.
Final Score: Chicago 45, Billy 24. Billy’s heroics were no match for the combined firepower of he Paper Lace original. He was carried off the field after a noble effort, while his opponents sang “Nanana, nanana, nana na na na, na na.” But brother, what a fight it really was.
THE HOW SWEET THE SOUND BOWL
“Amazing Grace,” Judy Collins, 1970
vs. “Amazing Grace,” The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards, 1972
Two hit versions of the 1779 hymn by English clergyman John Newton. First, folk singer Collins reached #15 with a minimalist sung version. Two years later, a Scottish military band got to #11 with a bagpipe-heavy instrumental take.
Final Score: Scots 21, Collins 15. It was a numbers game. Judy tried to do too much on her own, but got conquered in the end by Scottish teamwork.
THE JESUS FREAKS OUT IN THE STREETS BOWL
“Superstar,” Murray Head, 1970
vs. “Day by Day,” Godspell, 1972
Two hits from stage musicals that retold the story of the Christian messiah. First, British singer Head took the showpiece song from Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar to number 14. Two years later, the cast of an off-Broadway music based on many of Jesus’ parables got one place higher with a simple prayer for a better relationship with God.
Final Score: Superstar 47, Day 3. The flashier plays designed by coach Webber made the Godspell crew look like a ragtag bunch of clowns and misfits.
THE HEY, GOD’S STILL COOL BOWL
“Put Your Hand in the Hand,” Ocean, 1971
vs. “Jesus is Just Alright,” The Doobie Brothers, 1972
Two more modern songs about Christianity. First, a Toronto band got to #2 with a bit of pop evangelism that bears some sonic similarities to fellow Canucks The Band. A year later, San Jose’s Doobies made it to #35 with a rock tune about what a groovy dude the Son of Man is.
Final Score: Doobies 6, Ocean 0. These two teams were too mellow to do much competing. The Ocean team never even touched the ball, choosing to put their hands elsewhere. The Doobies didn’t do much either, but they actually said the name of who they were singing about, and that was worth a couple field goals.
THE STRAIGHT OUTTA THE BIBLE BOWL
“The Lord’s Prayer,” Sister Janet Mead, 1974
vs, “Rivers of Babylon,” Boney M, 1978
Two hits that contain lyrics drawn from the Good Book itself. First, Australian nun Mead got to #4 with a pop/rock song version of the prayer Jesus taught during the Sermon on the Mount. Then, a German disco group made it to #30 with a tune that takes its words from Psalms 19 and 133
Final Score: Prayer 59, Babylon 13. The game started with some controversy, as the players on the Boney M team did not be the same ones pictured in the game program. But the match was allowed to proceed, and Sister Janet’s squad were in control from the start. Every play they ran seemed to have the desired outcome, as if there was some sort of divine intervention. After the game, the defeated team sat down and wept, then left the stadium saying the words “Remember Zion.” So the Aussie team moves on without even having to call their famous Hail Mary play.
THE JEWS FOR JESUS BOWL
“Spirit in the Sky,” Norman Greenbaum, 1970
vs. “Gotta Serve Somebody,” Bob Dylan, 1979
In the 70s, even people born into the Jewish faith found it prudent to sing about Jesus of Nazareth. First, Massachusetts native Greenbaum got to #3 by boasting of how his friendship with Christ will set him up for an eternal reward. At the other end of the decade, the man born Robert Zimmerman reached #24 with a number declaring that no matter who you are, you will ultimately have to choose between good and evil and their respective embodiments.
Final Score: Dylan 14, Greenbaum 13. Bob wins right at the end with an improbable score followed by a dramatic conversion.
THE SATAN’S WAITIN’ BOWL
“(Don’t Worry) If There’s a Hell Below We’re All Going to Go,” Curtis Mayfield, 1970
vs. “Devil’s Gun,” C.J. and Company, 1977
Two songs that make reference to the dark side of the afterlife. First, Curtis returns with a funky warning that people from every race and walk of life are in danger of damnation if they keep mistreating one another, which he took to #29. Seven years later, a Detroit disco group compared the ever-present threat of hellfire to having a firearm constantly pointed at you, and in doing so made it to #36.
Final Score: Curtis 49, C.J. 28. Both songs made impressive attempts to take their opponent down, but the frank and foreboding execution of Mayfield’s bunch eventually convinced their opposition that all was lost. I would suggest that whoever they face in the next round should indeed worry.
THE I WANT A DIRECT LINE TO THE MAN IN CHARGE BOWL
“Speak to the Sky,” Rick Springfield, 1972
vs. “Operator,” The Manhattan Transfer, 1975
Two hits about talking to God. Aussie Springfield made his first chart impression when he reached #14 with a jazzy tune recommending regular conversations with The Man Upstairs. Three years later, a New York vocal with a gospelish number about trying to reach Jesus by telephone.
Final Score: Operator 20, Sky 10. The Manhattanites just played with more passion. Afterwards, Springfield decided to turn his head earthward, in the direction of a woman who happened to be in a relationship with one of his friends. Wonder how that worked out?
THE NO, I DON’T CALL MYSELF A “KRISTIAN” BOWL
“Why Me, Lord,” Kris Kristofferson, 1973
vs, “One Day at a Time,” Marilyn Sellars, 1974
A couple of songs about Jesus written by prolific songwriter Kristofferson. First, he went to #16 with his own recording of a sinner’s plea for forgiveness and redemption. Then, Minnesota singer Sellars got to #37 by asking the Lord’s help to get through the daily trials of life,
Final Score: Marilyn 10, Kris 7 (OT): There wasn’t much between these two, who employed remarkably similar strategies. In the end, Sellars was just a little bolder, going for the win with a long field goal and willing it to get through the goalposts, one yard at a time.
THE END BOWL
“D.O.A.,” Bloodrock, 1971
vs. “Don’t Fear The Reaper,” Blue Oyster Cult, 1976
Two songs about death. First, Texas hard rockers Bloodrock went to #36 with a power ballad sung from the point of view of a man dying from injuries suffered in a plane crash. Five years later, Long Island’s Blue Ouster Cult reached #12 with a song sung from the point of view of Death itself, reassuring the souls he takes that there is nothing to be afraid of from him.
Final Score: D.O.A. 55, Reaper 40. No pun intended, but this was a fight to the finish. But in the end, Bloodrock’s willingness to go all in with an ambulance siren and gruesomely evocative lyrics prevailed over the Cult’s almost romantic approach.
THE DEAD MEN HAD NAMES BOWL
“Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
vs. “Freddie’s Dead,” Curtis Mayfield, 1972
A pair of songs about men who died tragically. First, Pennsylvania’s Buoys got to number 17 with a song about three miners who were trapped together in a shaft. Only two, however, are found by rescuers, while the third has disappeared without a trace. Wonder how that happened? The next year, Chicago soul star Mayfield with a lament for a man who got swallowed by the streets and drugs and met an untimely end.
Final Score: Timothy 49, Freddie 10. Curtis’ team got off to a hot start. Then, the Buoys called a timeout and huddled up on the sideline. When they came back on the field, they were one player short, and the rest of the team were wiping their mouths. Rumours began to circulate throughout the stadium about what had happened, eventually reaching the field. Suddenly, the Mayfield boys didn’t seem to have the stomach for this contest. The Buoys just seemed to be the hungrier team on this day.
THE DON’T TAKE YOUR GUNS TO TOWN BOWL
“I Shot the Sheriff,” Eric Clapton, 1974
vs. “Saturday Night Special,” Lynyrd Skynyrd, 1975
A couple songs about murder with firearms. The man they call Slowhand went to #1 with a cover of Bob Marley’s tale of killing a law enforcement officer in self-defence. The next year, everyone’s favourite vowel-averse Southern rockers got to #27 with a rocker about how cheap handguns lead to impulsive acts of violence that are regrettable and unnecessary.
Final Score: Special 38, Sheriff 22. Yes, getting a song about murdering the police major airplay more than a decade before gangsta rap became a thing was pretty extraordinary. But it couldn’t compete with the element of surprise that comes from a group of proud Southern boys advocating for handgun control. No one saw that coming. It was a truly special victory for the Skynyrds.
THE MURDER IS A STATE OF MIND BOWL
“Indiana Wants Me,” R. Dean Taylor, 1970
vs. “ The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia,” Vicki Lawrence, 1973
Two hits about crimes of passion and the people who commit them. First, Canadian Taylor, who mainly made his living as a Motown staff songwriter, went to #5 with a song about a man running from the law after killing a man who insulted his wife. Three years later, Lawrence, best known as a comic actress on The Carol Burnett Show, went to #1 with a tale of a man falsely executed for
murdering his wife’s lover when in fact the murder, and that nof his “missing” wife, was committed by his sister, who “don’t miss when she aims her gun.”
Final Score: Indiana 24, Georgia 21. A close one, but Taylor won it with a daring run to the end zone when the game was on the line, while Lawrence just stood there and watched it happen instead of doing something to stop it. Then the stadium went dark, and Taylor’s team disappeared. We hope they’ll make it to play their next game.
THE DAMN, YOU’RE NOT IN A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW BOWL
“Alone Again (Naturally),” Gilbert O’Sullivan, 1972
vs. “Seasons in the Sun,” Terry Jacks, 1974
Two of the most depressing Number Ones ever. First, Irishman O’Sullivan turned the trick with about a man on his way to commit suicide, having lost faith in God after being stood up at his wedding and having both his parents die. Then, Canadian Jacks got to the top with a song where he portrays a dying man saying very maudlin goodbyes to friends and family.
Final Score: Gilbert 7, Terry 0. This was a sad display. No one was motivated to do anything. The game seemed like it would be a never ending scoreless stalemate until someone told Gilbert that the end zone was electrified and stepping into it would end his misery. He was suddenly determined to get there, and he managed to forlornly shuffle his way in just as the final gun sounded. To his dismay, he was still alive after the game, and is now forced to go through this misery at least one more time. With his last breath, Jacks laughed bitterly.
THE IF I CAN’T HAVE HIM, NO ONE CAN BOWL
“Dark Lady,” Cher, 1974
vs. “Angie Baby,” Helen Reddy, 1974
Two more charttoppers, these about women who trap men into horrible fates. First, Cher visits a fortune teller and learns that her man is being unfaithful, then learns that the fortune teller herself is the other woman. Naturally, she shoots them dead on the spot. Then, Reddy tells of a girl who has an active fantasy life built around songs she hears on the radio. One day, a neighbor boy comes over to her house with impure intentions, but Angie somehow traps him and...kills him? Kidnaps him and makes him her sex slave? Does the boy even exist? It’s not clear.
Final Score: Helen 3, Cher 0 (forfeit). A bizarre situation. The Cher team seemed to be thrown when they were approached by a psychic, who told them not to bother showing up to the game. Despite this, they took the field, but as they did, some strange music came blaring over the PA. Then it slowly got quieter and quieter, and then Cher and her team seemed to vanish into thin air. Helen then led her team out, and they all stood around confused for a while, wondering where their opponents went. A search was conducted, and attempts at contact were made, but after an hour, Angie Baby was declared the walkover winner. The whereabouts of Cher and company remain a mystery, and officials have announced that there will be enchanted security measures at the next Angie Baby game, with special attention given to limiting access to the public address system.
THE SEX=DEATH BOWL
“Judy Mae,” Boomer Castleman, 1975
vs. “ Run Joey Run,” David Geddes, 1975
Two songs about sexual encounters that lead to tragedy. First, Texan Castleman went to #33 with a country-folk tune about a teen boy who is seduced by his father’s new young wife, only to have his dad catch them together and drive off in a distraught state, causing a fatal accident. That same year, Michigander Geddes had a #4 with a song about a teenager whose girlfriend is abused by her father after he finds out she’s pregnant. He comes to her aid, but her father attempts to shoot him, but Julie, the girlfriend, takes the bullet and dies.
Final Score: Joey 56, Judy 6. A dominant performance by the Geddes team. Boomer tried to just be subtle and quiet and hoped to stay close until a big finish, but with constant, overwhelming melodrama, Joey ran all over them.
THE WE MIGHT AS WELL COME OVER THERE OURSELVES BOWL
“Billy, Don’t Be a Hero,” Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods
vs. “The Night Chicago Died,” Paper Lace, 1974
Two historical tales that were both hits at home for Britain’s Paper Lace, but only one of them succeeded in its original form in the U.S. First, Cincinnati’s Donaldson and company took the Lace’s U.K. charttopper about a young man who volunteers for a war and dies risking his life despite his fiancee’s explicit instructions to the contrary to #1 themselves. Paper Lace decided not to make that same mistake with their next single, a story about a Chicago policeman who survives the Prohibition-era war between the cops and Al Capone’s gang, and they were rewarded with an American Number One of their own.
Final Score: Chicago 45, Billy 24. Billy’s heroics were no match for the combined firepower of he Paper Lace original. He was carried off the field after a noble effort, while his opponents sang “Nanana, nanana, nana na na na, na na.” But brother, what a fight it really was.
THE HOW SWEET THE SOUND BOWL
“Amazing Grace,” Judy Collins, 1970
vs. “Amazing Grace,” The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards, 1972
Two hit versions of the 1779 hymn by English clergyman John Newton. First, folk singer Collins reached #15 with a minimalist sung version. Two years later, a Scottish military band got to #11 with a bagpipe-heavy instrumental take.
Final Score: Scots 21, Collins 15. It was a numbers game. Judy tried to do too much on her own, but got conquered in the end by Scottish teamwork.
THE JESUS FREAKS OUT IN THE STREETS BOWL
“Superstar,” Murray Head, 1970
vs. “Day by Day,” Godspell, 1972
Two hits from stage musicals that retold the story of the Christian messiah. First, British singer Head took the showpiece song from Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar to number 14. Two years later, the cast of an off-Broadway music based on many of Jesus’ parables got one place higher with a simple prayer for a better relationship with God.
Final Score: Superstar 47, Day 3. The flashier plays designed by coach Webber made the Godspell crew look like a ragtag bunch of clowns and misfits.
THE HEY, GOD’S STILL COOL BOWL
“Put Your Hand in the Hand,” Ocean, 1971
vs. “Jesus is Just Alright,” The Doobie Brothers, 1972
Two more modern songs about Christianity. First, a Toronto band got to #2 with a bit of pop evangelism that bears some sonic similarities to fellow Canucks The Band. A year later, San Jose’s Doobies made it to #35 with a rock tune about what a groovy dude the Son of Man is.
Final Score: Doobies 6, Ocean 0. These two teams were too mellow to do much competing. The Ocean team never even touched the ball, choosing to put their hands elsewhere. The Doobies didn’t do much either, but they actually said the name of who they were singing about, and that was worth a couple field goals.
THE STRAIGHT OUTTA THE BIBLE BOWL
“The Lord’s Prayer,” Sister Janet Mead, 1974
vs, “Rivers of Babylon,” Boney M, 1978
Two hits that contain lyrics drawn from the Good Book itself. First, Australian nun Mead got to #4 with a pop/rock song version of the prayer Jesus taught during the Sermon on the Mount. Then, a German disco group made it to #30 with a tune that takes its words from Psalms 19 and 133
Final Score: Prayer 59, Babylon 13. The game started with some controversy, as the players on the Boney M team did not be the same ones pictured in the game program. But the match was allowed to proceed, and Sister Janet’s squad were in control from the start. Every play they ran seemed to have the desired outcome, as if there was some sort of divine intervention. After the game, the defeated team sat down and wept, then left the stadium saying the words “Remember Zion.” So the Aussie team moves on without even having to call their famous Hail Mary play.
THE JEWS FOR JESUS BOWL
“Spirit in the Sky,” Norman Greenbaum, 1970
vs. “Gotta Serve Somebody,” Bob Dylan, 1979
In the 70s, even people born into the Jewish faith found it prudent to sing about Jesus of Nazareth. First, Massachusetts native Greenbaum got to #3 by boasting of how his friendship with Christ will set him up for an eternal reward. At the other end of the decade, the man born Robert Zimmerman reached #24 with a number declaring that no matter who you are, you will ultimately have to choose between good and evil and their respective embodiments.
Final Score: Dylan 14, Greenbaum 13. Bob wins right at the end with an improbable score followed by a dramatic conversion.
THE SATAN’S WAITIN’ BOWL
“(Don’t Worry) If There’s a Hell Below We’re All Going to Go,” Curtis Mayfield, 1970
vs. “Devil’s Gun,” C.J. and Company, 1977
Two songs that make reference to the dark side of the afterlife. First, Curtis returns with a funky warning that people from every race and walk of life are in danger of damnation if they keep mistreating one another, which he took to #29. Seven years later, a Detroit disco group compared the ever-present threat of hellfire to having a firearm constantly pointed at you, and in doing so made it to #36.
Final Score: Curtis 49, C.J. 28. Both songs made impressive attempts to take their opponent down, but the frank and foreboding execution of Mayfield’s bunch eventually convinced their opposition that all was lost. I would suggest that whoever they face in the next round should indeed worry.
THE I WANT A DIRECT LINE TO THE MAN IN CHARGE BOWL
“Speak to the Sky,” Rick Springfield, 1972
vs. “Operator,” The Manhattan Transfer, 1975
Two hits about talking to God. Aussie Springfield made his first chart impression when he reached #14 with a jazzy tune recommending regular conversations with The Man Upstairs. Three years later, a New York vocal with a gospelish number about trying to reach Jesus by telephone.
Final Score: Operator 20, Sky 10. The Manhattanites just played with more passion. Afterwards, Springfield decided to turn his head earthward, in the direction of a woman who happened to be in a relationship with one of his friends. Wonder how that worked out?
THE NO, I DON’T CALL MYSELF A “KRISTIAN” BOWL
“Why Me, Lord,” Kris Kristofferson, 1973
vs, “One Day at a Time,” Marilyn Sellars, 1974
A couple of songs about Jesus written by prolific songwriter Kristofferson. First, he went to #16 with his own recording of a sinner’s plea for forgiveness and redemption. Then, Minnesota singer Sellars got to #37 by asking the Lord’s help to get through the daily trials of life,
Final Score: Marilyn 10, Kris 7 (OT): There wasn’t much between these two, who employed remarkably similar strategies. In the end, Sellars was just a little bolder, going for the win with a long field goal and willing it to get through the goalposts, one yard at a time.
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 April 13, 1974 Part Two
The end of it.
20 - “Remember You’re a Womble,” The WomblesMore from the puppet creatures. This one’s about appreciating who you are. Kind of a mix between glam and Merseybeat, with a little country thrown in. The better of the two Wombling entries on this chart.
19 - “Candle in the Wind,” Elton John
The original Marilyn-centric version. Sometimes you forget how good it really is.
18 - “The Golden Age of Rock ‘n Roll,” Mott the Hoople
Mott’s last Top 20 was this tune declaring that rock was never better than it was at that moment. Not the usual take, and they do a good job convincing me on this.
17 - “Rock Around the Clock,” Bill Haley and His Comets
The Happy Days-inspired reissue of the rock launcher. Still important, still fun.
16 - “School Love,” Barry Blue
Mr. Blue’s third hit was retro-glam about childhood romance. The sincerity and the catchiness sell it.
15 - “I’m Gonna Knock on Your Door,” Little Jimmy Osmond
The third and final U.K. hit for the young Mormon was this cover of a 1961 Eddie Hodges hit about threatening to cause a ruckus if a girl doesn’t come out to kiss him. Cute then, a little creepy now.
14 - “Doctor’s Orders,” Sunny
Heather “Sunny” Wheatman had been a prolific session sister as part of the duo “Sunny and Sue” with sister Yvonne. But it wasn’t until striking out on her own that she would have a major hit with this pop prescription for sexual healing. It’s the same song that Carol Douglas would take to #1 in Canada the next year. Carol was more convincing. This is mildly seductive.
13 - “Jambalaya,” Carpenters
Richard and Karen covered Hank Williams’ 1952 tune about good times on the Louisiana Bayou. They’re having fun, and that makes it better than you’d think. But it is odd to think of these two drinking liquor out of Mason jars.
12 - “I Get a Little Sentimental Over You,” The New Seekers
The sixth and final Top Five for the bunch that taught the world to sing was this showy old-pop number about pining for an ex. They show more spunk here than a lot of others do in this genre.
11 - “Long Live Love,” Olivia Newton-John
As I mentioned at the start of Part One, England hosted this year’s Eurovision, and “Waterloo” won. The home team was represented by ONJ singing this marchy number about people being happy and united and loving each other while singing along with “The Sally Annie band.” It’s positive nonsense, elevate a bit by Olivia’s raw talent. But I can’t say it deserved better than the three-way tie for fourth place it managed.
Top Ten to London, non-stop.
10 - “Seven Seas of Rhye,” Queen
The rock royals got their first hit with this mini epic on which Freddie portrays a world-conquering man of action and intrigue. He never really stopped playing that role, did he? And thank God for that.
9 - “The Most Beautiful Girl,” Charlie Rich
The Silver Fox missed a Triple Crown by one place here. He deserved better. Especially when you see the likes of what actually did top this chart.
8 - “The Cat Crept In,” Mud
The Surrey glammers got their third Top Five with this song about a lady whose sudden appearances and disappearances cause commotions among menfolk. If you’re looking for archetypal glam rock, you couldn’t do much better.
7 - “You Are Everything,” Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye
The original Stylistics classic did not chart here in ‘71, but Diana and Marvin brought it over and got a Top Five out of it. They bring their own specialnesses to it, making it its own fantastic soul sensation.
6 - “Emma,” Hot Chocolate
Their first Top Five was this rock melodrama about a woman destroyed by her failed dreams of stardom. It’s probably the best thing they ever did, all things considered.
5 - “Angel Face,” The Glitter Band
Yes, this band was originally formed to back up the infamous Gary, but they would manage a string of hits on their own, beginning with this strutting tribute to a lady’s otherworldly beauty. I love this, and as a bonus, there’s no unsavoury aftertaste.
4 - “Everyday,” Slade
The glam kings’ tenth straight Top Ten saw them try a love ballad about affirming love in spite of long periods of separation. It’s a nice listen, though there are hints that the singer doesn’t see faithfulness as a two-way street, and that’s troubling.
3 - “Remember Me This Way,” Gary Glitter
The creep is back, and this time there’s no inner conflict, because the song is an objectively terrible attempt at an Elvis-style ballad. As yucky as the man himself.
2 - “Billy Don’t Be a Hero,” Paper Lace
The original version, which these guys took to the top here before Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods would do the same in the States. This is the better one. It conveys the drama of the situation better, and actually has a woman pleading to Billy to stay out of the fray. I’m glad the Lacers did get their own American charttopper with “The Night Chicago Died,” but they really should have had two.
1 - “Seasons in the Sun,” Terry Jacks
I cannot overemphasize how horrible this is. It’s sad, but the kind of sad that makes you apathetic instead of empathetic. I didn’t even listen to it again for this. I couldn’t put myself through it. This has to be the worst Triple Crown winner ever.
Another one down. Next time: more tournament action! See you soon.
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