The third group of 32 songs in our little tournament. There are a couple of different themes here that you might be able to pick up. And this is probably the most competitive group so far.
THE END BOWL
“D.O.A.,” Bloodrock, 1971
vs. “Don’t Fear The Reaper,” Blue Oyster Cult, 1976
Two songs about death. First, Texas hard rockers Bloodrock went to #36 with a power ballad sung from the point of view of a man dying from injuries suffered in a plane crash. Five years later, Long Island’s Blue Ouster Cult reached #12 with a song sung from the point of view of Death itself, reassuring the souls he takes that there is nothing to be afraid of from him.
Final Score: D.O.A. 55, Reaper 40. No pun intended, but this was a fight to the finish. But in the end, Bloodrock’s willingness to go all in with an ambulance siren and gruesomely evocative lyrics prevailed over the Cult’s almost romantic approach.
THE DEAD MEN HAD NAMES BOWL
“Timothy,” The Buoys, 1971
vs. “Freddie’s Dead,” Curtis Mayfield, 1972
A pair of songs about men who died tragically. First, Pennsylvania’s Buoys got to number 17 with a song about three miners who were trapped together in a shaft. Only two, however, are found by rescuers, while the third has disappeared without a trace. Wonder how that happened? The next year, Chicago soul star Mayfield with a lament for a man who got swallowed by the streets and drugs and met an untimely end.
Final Score: Timothy 49, Freddie 10. Curtis’ team got off to a hot start. Then, the Buoys called a timeout and huddled up on the sideline. When they came back on the field, they were one player short, and the rest of the team were wiping their mouths. Rumours began to circulate throughout the stadium about what had happened, eventually reaching the field. Suddenly, the Mayfield boys didn’t seem to have the stomach for this contest. The Buoys just seemed to be the hungrier team on this day.
THE DON’T TAKE YOUR GUNS TO TOWN BOWL
“I Shot the Sheriff,” Eric Clapton, 1974
vs. “Saturday Night Special,” Lynyrd Skynyrd, 1975
A couple songs about murder with firearms. The man they call Slowhand went to #1 with a cover of Bob Marley’s tale of killing a law enforcement officer in self-defence. The next year, everyone’s favourite vowel-averse Southern rockers got to #27 with a rocker about how cheap handguns lead to impulsive acts of violence that are regrettable and unnecessary.
Final Score: Special 38, Sheriff 22. Yes, getting a song about murdering the police major airplay more than a decade before gangsta rap became a thing was pretty extraordinary. But it couldn’t compete with the element of surprise that comes from a group of proud Southern boys advocating for handgun control. No one saw that coming. It was a truly special victory for the Skynyrds.
THE MURDER IS A STATE OF MIND BOWL
“Indiana Wants Me,” R. Dean Taylor, 1970
vs. “ The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia,” Vicki Lawrence, 1973
Two hits about crimes of passion and the people who commit them. First, Canadian Taylor, who mainly made his living as a Motown staff songwriter, went to #5 with a song about a man running from the law after killing a man who insulted his wife. Three years later, Lawrence, best known as a comic actress on The Carol Burnett Show, went to #1 with a tale of a man falsely executed for
murdering his wife’s lover when in fact the murder, and that nof his “missing” wife, was committed by his sister, who “don’t miss when she aims her gun.”
Final Score: Indiana 24, Georgia 21. A close one, but Taylor won it with a daring run to the end zone when the game was on the line, while Lawrence just stood there and watched it happen instead of doing something to stop it. Then the stadium went dark, and Taylor’s team disappeared. We hope they’ll make it to play their next game.
THE DAMN, YOU’RE NOT IN A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW BOWL
“Alone Again (Naturally),” Gilbert O’Sullivan, 1972
vs. “Seasons in the Sun,” Terry Jacks, 1974
Two of the most depressing Number Ones ever. First, Irishman O’Sullivan turned the trick with about a man on his way to commit suicide, having lost faith in God after being stood up at his wedding and having both his parents die. Then, Canadian Jacks got to the top with a song where he portrays a dying man saying very maudlin goodbyes to friends and family.
Final Score: Gilbert 7, Terry 0. This was a sad display. No one was motivated to do anything. The game seemed like it would be a never ending scoreless stalemate until someone told Gilbert that the end zone was electrified and stepping into it would end his misery. He was suddenly determined to get there, and he managed to forlornly shuffle his way in just as the final gun sounded. To his dismay, he was still alive after the game, and is now forced to go through this misery at least one more time. With his last breath, Jacks laughed bitterly.
THE IF I CAN’T HAVE HIM, NO ONE CAN BOWL
“Dark Lady,” Cher, 1974
vs. “Angie Baby,” Helen Reddy, 1974
Two more charttoppers, these about women who trap men into horrible fates. First, Cher visits a fortune teller and learns that her man is being unfaithful, then learns that the fortune teller herself is the other woman. Naturally, she shoots them dead on the spot. Then, Reddy tells of a girl who has an active fantasy life built around songs she hears on the radio. One day, a neighbor boy comes over to her house with impure intentions, but Angie somehow traps him and...kills him? Kidnaps him and makes him her sex slave? Does the boy even exist? It’s not clear.
Final Score: Helen 3, Cher 0 (forfeit). A bizarre situation. The Cher team seemed to be thrown when they were approached by a psychic, who told them not to bother showing up to the game. Despite this, they took the field, but as they did, some strange music came blaring over the PA. Then it slowly got quieter and quieter, and then Cher and her team seemed to vanish into thin air. Helen then led her team out, and they all stood around confused for a while, wondering where their opponents went. A search was conducted, and attempts at contact were made, but after an hour, Angie Baby was declared the walkover winner. The whereabouts of Cher and company remain a mystery, and officials have announced that there will be enchanted security measures at the next Angie Baby game, with special attention given to limiting access to the public address system.
THE SEX=DEATH BOWL
“Judy Mae,” Boomer Castleman, 1975
vs. “ Run Joey Run,” David Geddes, 1975
Two songs about sexual encounters that lead to tragedy. First, Texan Castleman went to #33 with a country-folk tune about a teen boy who is seduced by his father’s new young wife, only to have his dad catch them together and drive off in a distraught state, causing a fatal accident. That same year, Michigander Geddes had a #4 with a song about a teenager whose girlfriend is abused by her father after he finds out she’s pregnant. He comes to her aid, but her father attempts to shoot him, but Julie, the girlfriend, takes the bullet and dies.
Final Score: Joey 56, Judy 6. A dominant performance by the Geddes team. Boomer tried to just be subtle and quiet and hoped to stay close until a big finish, but with constant, overwhelming melodrama, Joey ran all over them.
THE WE MIGHT AS WELL COME OVER THERE OURSELVES BOWL
“Billy, Don’t Be a Hero,” Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods
vs. “The Night Chicago Died,” Paper Lace, 1974
Two historical tales that were both hits at home for Britain’s Paper Lace, but only one of them succeeded in its original form in the U.S. First, Cincinnati’s Donaldson and company took the Lace’s U.K. charttopper about a young man who volunteers for a war and dies risking his life despite his fiancee’s explicit instructions to the contrary to #1 themselves. Paper Lace decided not to make that same mistake with their next single, a story about a Chicago policeman who survives the Prohibition-era war between the cops and Al Capone’s gang, and they were rewarded with an American Number One of their own.
Final Score: Chicago 45, Billy 24. Billy’s heroics were no match for the combined firepower of he Paper Lace original. He was carried off the field after a noble effort, while his opponents sang “Nanana, nanana, nana na na na, na na.” But brother, what a fight it really was.
THE HOW SWEET THE SOUND BOWL
“Amazing Grace,” Judy Collins, 1970
vs. “Amazing Grace,” The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards, 1972
Two hit versions of the 1779 hymn by English clergyman John Newton. First, folk singer Collins reached #15 with a minimalist sung version. Two years later, a Scottish military band got to #11 with a bagpipe-heavy instrumental take.
Final Score: Scots 21, Collins 15. It was a numbers game. Judy tried to do too much on her own, but got conquered in the end by Scottish teamwork.
THE JESUS FREAKS OUT IN THE STREETS BOWL
“Superstar,” Murray Head, 1970
vs. “Day by Day,” Godspell, 1972
Two hits from stage musicals that retold the story of the Christian messiah. First, British singer Head took the showpiece song from Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar to number 14. Two years later, the cast of an off-Broadway music based on many of Jesus’ parables got one place higher with a simple prayer for a better relationship with God.
Final Score: Superstar 47, Day 3. The flashier plays designed by coach Webber made the Godspell crew look like a ragtag bunch of clowns and misfits.
THE HEY, GOD’S STILL COOL BOWL
“Put Your Hand in the Hand,” Ocean, 1971
vs. “Jesus is Just Alright,” The Doobie Brothers, 1972
Two more modern songs about Christianity. First, a Toronto band got to #2 with a bit of pop evangelism that bears some sonic similarities to fellow Canucks The Band. A year later, San Jose’s Doobies made it to #35 with a rock tune about what a groovy dude the Son of Man is.
Final Score: Doobies 6, Ocean 0. These two teams were too mellow to do much competing. The Ocean team never even touched the ball, choosing to put their hands elsewhere. The Doobies didn’t do much either, but they actually said the name of who they were singing about, and that was worth a couple field goals.
THE STRAIGHT OUTTA THE BIBLE BOWL
“The Lord’s Prayer,” Sister Janet Mead, 1974
vs, “Rivers of Babylon,” Boney M, 1978
Two hits that contain lyrics drawn from the Good Book itself. First, Australian nun Mead got to #4 with a pop/rock song version of the prayer Jesus taught during the Sermon on the Mount. Then, a German disco group made it to #30 with a tune that takes its words from Psalms 19 and 133
Final Score: Prayer 59, Babylon 13. The game started with some controversy, as the players on the Boney M team did not be the same ones pictured in the game program. But the match was allowed to proceed, and Sister Janet’s squad were in control from the start. Every play they ran seemed to have the desired outcome, as if there was some sort of divine intervention. After the game, the defeated team sat down and wept, then left the stadium saying the words “Remember Zion.” So the Aussie team moves on without even having to call their famous Hail Mary play.
THE JEWS FOR JESUS BOWL
“Spirit in the Sky,” Norman Greenbaum, 1970
vs. “Gotta Serve Somebody,” Bob Dylan, 1979
In the 70s, even people born into the Jewish faith found it prudent to sing about Jesus of Nazareth. First, Massachusetts native Greenbaum got to #3 by boasting of how his friendship with Christ will set him up for an eternal reward. At the other end of the decade, the man born Robert Zimmerman reached #24 with a number declaring that no matter who you are, you will ultimately have to choose between good and evil and their respective embodiments.
Final Score: Dylan 14, Greenbaum 13. Bob wins right at the end with an improbable score followed by a dramatic conversion.
THE SATAN’S WAITIN’ BOWL
“(Don’t Worry) If There’s a Hell Below We’re All Going to Go,” Curtis Mayfield, 1970
vs. “Devil’s Gun,” C.J. and Company, 1977
Two songs that make reference to the dark side of the afterlife. First, Curtis returns with a funky warning that people from every race and walk of life are in danger of damnation if they keep mistreating one another, which he took to #29. Seven years later, a Detroit disco group compared the ever-present threat of hellfire to having a firearm constantly pointed at you, and in doing so made it to #36.
Final Score: Curtis 49, C.J. 28. Both songs made impressive attempts to take their opponent down, but the frank and foreboding execution of Mayfield’s bunch eventually convinced their opposition that all was lost. I would suggest that whoever they face in the next round should indeed worry.
THE I WANT A DIRECT LINE TO THE MAN IN CHARGE BOWL
“Speak to the Sky,” Rick Springfield, 1972
vs. “Operator,” The Manhattan Transfer, 1975
Two hits about talking to God. Aussie Springfield made his first chart impression when he reached #14 with a jazzy tune recommending regular conversations with The Man Upstairs. Three years later, a New York vocal with a gospelish number about trying to reach Jesus by telephone.
Final Score: Operator 20, Sky 10. The Manhattanites just played with more passion. Afterwards, Springfield decided to turn his head earthward, in the direction of a woman who happened to be in a relationship with one of his friends. Wonder how that worked out?
THE NO, I DON’T CALL MYSELF A “KRISTIAN” BOWL
“Why Me, Lord,” Kris Kristofferson, 1973
vs, “One Day at a Time,” Marilyn Sellars, 1974
A couple of songs about Jesus written by prolific songwriter Kristofferson. First, he went to #16 with his own recording of a sinner’s plea for forgiveness and redemption. Then, Minnesota singer Sellars got to #37 by asking the Lord’s help to get through the daily trials of life,
Final Score: Marilyn 10, Kris 7 (OT): There wasn’t much between these two, who employed remarkably similar strategies. In the end, Sellars was just a little bolder, going for the win with a long field goal and willing it to get through the goalposts, one yard at a time.
Friday, April 20, 2018
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 April 13, 1974 Part Two
The end of it.
20 - “Remember You’re a Womble,” The WomblesMore from the puppet creatures. This one’s about appreciating who you are. Kind of a mix between glam and Merseybeat, with a little country thrown in. The better of the two Wombling entries on this chart.
19 - “Candle in the Wind,” Elton John
The original Marilyn-centric version. Sometimes you forget how good it really is.
18 - “The Golden Age of Rock ‘n Roll,” Mott the Hoople
Mott’s last Top 20 was this tune declaring that rock was never better than it was at that moment. Not the usual take, and they do a good job convincing me on this.
17 - “Rock Around the Clock,” Bill Haley and His Comets
The Happy Days-inspired reissue of the rock launcher. Still important, still fun.
16 - “School Love,” Barry Blue
Mr. Blue’s third hit was retro-glam about childhood romance. The sincerity and the catchiness sell it.
15 - “I’m Gonna Knock on Your Door,” Little Jimmy Osmond
The third and final U.K. hit for the young Mormon was this cover of a 1961 Eddie Hodges hit about threatening to cause a ruckus if a girl doesn’t come out to kiss him. Cute then, a little creepy now.
14 - “Doctor’s Orders,” Sunny
Heather “Sunny” Wheatman had been a prolific session sister as part of the duo “Sunny and Sue” with sister Yvonne. But it wasn’t until striking out on her own that she would have a major hit with this pop prescription for sexual healing. It’s the same song that Carol Douglas would take to #1 in Canada the next year. Carol was more convincing. This is mildly seductive.
13 - “Jambalaya,” Carpenters
Richard and Karen covered Hank Williams’ 1952 tune about good times on the Louisiana Bayou. They’re having fun, and that makes it better than you’d think. But it is odd to think of these two drinking liquor out of Mason jars.
12 - “I Get a Little Sentimental Over You,” The New Seekers
The sixth and final Top Five for the bunch that taught the world to sing was this showy old-pop number about pining for an ex. They show more spunk here than a lot of others do in this genre.
11 - “Long Live Love,” Olivia Newton-John
As I mentioned at the start of Part One, England hosted this year’s Eurovision, and “Waterloo” won. The home team was represented by ONJ singing this marchy number about people being happy and united and loving each other while singing along with “The Sally Annie band.” It’s positive nonsense, elevate a bit by Olivia’s raw talent. But I can’t say it deserved better than the three-way tie for fourth place it managed.
Top Ten to London, non-stop.
10 - “Seven Seas of Rhye,” Queen
The rock royals got their first hit with this mini epic on which Freddie portrays a world-conquering man of action and intrigue. He never really stopped playing that role, did he? And thank God for that.
9 - “The Most Beautiful Girl,” Charlie Rich
The Silver Fox missed a Triple Crown by one place here. He deserved better. Especially when you see the likes of what actually did top this chart.
8 - “The Cat Crept In,” Mud
The Surrey glammers got their third Top Five with this song about a lady whose sudden appearances and disappearances cause commotions among menfolk. If you’re looking for archetypal glam rock, you couldn’t do much better.
7 - “You Are Everything,” Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye
The original Stylistics classic did not chart here in ‘71, but Diana and Marvin brought it over and got a Top Five out of it. They bring their own specialnesses to it, making it its own fantastic soul sensation.
6 - “Emma,” Hot Chocolate
Their first Top Five was this rock melodrama about a woman destroyed by her failed dreams of stardom. It’s probably the best thing they ever did, all things considered.
5 - “Angel Face,” The Glitter Band
Yes, this band was originally formed to back up the infamous Gary, but they would manage a string of hits on their own, beginning with this strutting tribute to a lady’s otherworldly beauty. I love this, and as a bonus, there’s no unsavoury aftertaste.
4 - “Everyday,” Slade
The glam kings’ tenth straight Top Ten saw them try a love ballad about affirming love in spite of long periods of separation. It’s a nice listen, though there are hints that the singer doesn’t see faithfulness as a two-way street, and that’s troubling.
3 - “Remember Me This Way,” Gary Glitter
The creep is back, and this time there’s no inner conflict, because the song is an objectively terrible attempt at an Elvis-style ballad. As yucky as the man himself.
2 - “Billy Don’t Be a Hero,” Paper Lace
The original version, which these guys took to the top here before Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods would do the same in the States. This is the better one. It conveys the drama of the situation better, and actually has a woman pleading to Billy to stay out of the fray. I’m glad the Lacers did get their own American charttopper with “The Night Chicago Died,” but they really should have had two.
1 - “Seasons in the Sun,” Terry Jacks
I cannot overemphasize how horrible this is. It’s sad, but the kind of sad that makes you apathetic instead of empathetic. I didn’t even listen to it again for this. I couldn’t put myself through it. This has to be the worst Triple Crown winner ever.
Another one down. Next time: more tournament action! See you soon.
Friday, April 13, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 April 13, 1974 Part One
Spring 1974. This month, Britain hosted the Eurovision Song Contest, which was won by Swedish upstarts ABBA with “Waterloo.” Whatever happened to them? Certainly they never did anything as well-remembered as the following:
40 - "He's Misstra Know-It-All," Stevie Wonder
40 - "He's Misstra Know-It-All," Stevie Wonder
Stevie’s seventh Top Ten here was this funk-pop tribute to a slick con artist. This one wasn’t as explicitly about Nixon as follow-up “You Haven’t Done Nothin’,” but come on, Tricky Dick has to be “the man with a plan with a counterfeit dollar in his hand.”
39 - "Year of Decision," The Three Degrees
The Philly trio’s first U.K. hut was this funky call to their fellow African-Americans to take charge of their lives, because “people have died to set you free.” The more I hear from them, the more I know I was right about their greatness just from hearing “When Will I See You Again.”
38 - "Ma, He's Making Eyes at Me," Lena Zavaroni
This daughter of a couple who ran a chip shop in the small Scottish town of Rothesay became famous at the age of ten with her appearances on the talent show Opportunity Knocks. She subsequently released this cover of a 1921 song about being aggressively romantically pursued. Perhaps now that would not fly given her age, but at the time all the focus was on her big, boisterous voice, which got her some attention in America, including an appearance on The Tonight Show. But she failed to break the U.S., and although she would later host some variety shows, she didn’t have much more chart success, and she would suffer through mental health issues and personal tragedies until her untimely death in 1999. Another casualty of child stardom, sadly.
37 - "Jealous Mind," Alvin Stardust
The first Stardust single actually performed by Bernard Jewry was this glamabilly tune that sounded quite similar to its predecessor. And it became his only #1. That seems fair and proper.
36 - "Long-Legged Woman Dressed in Black," Mungo Jerry
The chaos from Colpington had their last hit of the decade with this old-school rocker about being constantly rejected by the titular lady. Maybe she didn’t like the penchant for impaired driving they revealed in “In the Summertime.”
35 - "The Entertainer," Marvin Hamlisch
Didn’t we just see this guy? Oh well, I am still entertained.
34 - "Listen to the Music," The Doobie Brothers
The Doobs’ first hit here. Still okay, let it play.
33 - "Remember," The Bay City Rollers
The tartan-clad boy band had their second Brit hit with this tune about nostalgia and young love. Shimmy shammy shong, indeed.
32 - "The Way We Were," Barbra Streisand
The Can-Am charttopper was held to #31 here. Triple Crown denied, with authority!
31 - "The Sting," The Ragtimers
I can’t figure out who these guys were, but their take on “The Entertainer” swings harder than Hamlisch. I like it a lot.
I can’t figure out who these guys were, but their take on “The Entertainer” swings harder than Hamlisch. I like it a lot.
30 - "Ma-Ma-Ma-Belle," Electric Light Orchestra
ELO’s fourth hit was this lusty rocker that has nothing to do with the phone company. And T. Rex’s Marc Bolan played guitar on it, and you can somehow hear him provide that extra oomph.
29 - "I Know What I Like (In Your Wardrobe)," Genesis
Their first Top 40 (and the only one they’d have with Peter Gabriel) was this tale of a groundskeeper at a fancy country house who is more content with his station in life than the people around him think he should be. It would have been interesting to see how they would have evolved if Pete had stayed around. I think I’d have liked it.
28 - "It's You," Freddie Starr
Before he became a comedian famous enough to make news for allegedly eating a hamster, Starr was a member of a lesser Liverpool beat group, and after he broke through as a comic he managed a hit with this maudlin ballad about losing a lover. As nauseating as Bobby Goldsboro’s “Honey,” and his voice sounds like Terry Jacks. Puketastic.
27 - "Jet," Wings
Macca’s fifth Top Ten with his other band was this fun rocker inspired by his black Labrador. I don’t think the dog tried to get her fellow canines the vote, though.
26 - "Wombling Song," The Wombles
A “Womble” is a fictional furry creature who cleans up the litter left behind by humans and repurposes it for his own use. They first appeared in children’s books in the 60s, then were brought to television as puppets first, and from there they were made into a music act. They had several hits, the firsr being the theme to their TV series. Jaunty kiddie pop about picking up trash with someone named “Uncle Bulgaria.” Yeah, that’s an Uneasy Rider.
25 - "You're Sixteen," Ringo Starr
Ringo does an oldie. It’s a big hit. Wouldn’t fly today.
24 - "The Air That I Breathe," The Hollies
Their last first-release Top Ten. A romantic masterpiece.
23 - "A Walkin' Miracle," Limmie and Family Cookin'
The third and final hit by these Ohioans was this cover of a 1963 hit by The Essex about an extraordinary man. Hardly miraculous.
22 - "Homely Girl," The Chi-Lites
A Top Five from this Chicago group about how they were in love with a girl back when she was an unattractive child, and is now reminding her of that now that she’s a beautiful girl with her pick of suitors. Not sure about the sexual politics of this now, but I don’t think anything sinister was intended at the time.
21 - "Everlasting Love," Robert Knight
Yes, this song again, this time in its original 1967 form, which was re-released here around the time that Carl Carlton’s cover was hitting in the States. And yes, this is the best version.
In Part Two: remakes, future remake subjects, and a song that out-nauseates Freddie Starr.
Yes, this song again, this time in its original 1967 form, which was re-released here around the time that Carl Carlton’s cover was hitting in the States. And yes, this is the best version.
In Part Two: remakes, future remake subjects, and a song that out-nauseates Freddie Starr.
Sunday, April 8, 2018
The Old Man's Ultimate Grand Championship Uneasy Rider Tournament: Round 1, Part 2
Another set of battles between 70s Top 40 hits that stood apart for one reason or another. Bring on the bowls!
THE CLASSICAL HAPPINESS BOWL
"A Song of Joy," Miguel Rios, 1970
vs. "Joy," Apollo 100, 1972
A couple updates of famous classical pieces. First, Spaniard Rios, who is credited as being his country's first rock star, adds his own lyrics to anot elaborate production of the "Ode to Joy" portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. It reached #14. Then, British instrumentalists Apollo 100 did an electric version of J.S. Bach's "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring," that got to #6
Final Score: Apollo 7, Rios 6. Close but uneventful. The Bach one just sounds a little more interesting. Plus ithe was used in the film Boogie Nights, and they do say football is a game of inches...
THE SOUND OF THE FUTURE THEN BOWL
"Popcorn," Hot Butter, 1972
vs. "Autobahn," Kraftwerk, 1975
Two early examples of electronic music. First, New York jazz musician Stan Free and his group used a Moog synthesizer to create a track that uses beeps to simulate the popping of corn. It hit #9. Three years later, a band from Dusseldorf, Germany took advantage of advancements in technology to create a piece evocative of driving fast on a German highway. A three-minute edit of the original 22 minute piece reached #25.
Final Score: Popcorn 28, Autobahn 20: In this contest, minimalism wins. "Autobahn" was and is unique, but it has always sounded like, you know, a
song. "Popcorn," on the other hand, always sounded like something that didn't take much effort. You can probably make more sophisticated music these days with a phone app. Besides, what do Germans know about American football?
THE THIS IS GREAT, BUT HOW DO WE MAKE IT SPEAK TO THE KIDS BOWL
"Also Sprach Zarathustra (2001)," Deodato, 1973
vs. "A Fifth of Beethoven," Walter Murphy, 1976
A couple more classical updates, First, Brazilian Eumir Deodato got to #2 with a jazz-funk take on a piece that Richard Strauss was inspired to write in 1896 by the writings of philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, and was later popularized by the 1968 film 2001: A Space Odyssey. Then, New York musician Murphy did a disco version of Beethoven's iconic Fifth Symphony, going all the way to #1.
Final Score: Deodato 44, Murphy 37. A back-and-fort, high-scoring contest, decided late into the game when the Zarathustras bring on their secret weapon: none other than the Nature Boy, Ric Flair. He's taken on more fifths in bars from one end of this world to the other than you can imagine. He struts down that field, styling and profiling all the way into the end zone for the winning TD. Woooooooo!
THE POLISH PRINCE BOWL
"My Melody of Love," Bobby Vinton, 1974
vs. "Beer Barrel Polka," Bobby Vinton, 1975
In the mid-70s, sixties crooner Vinton squeezed out two more hits by embracing his Polish heritage. First, he took a German hit, translated it into English and Polish, and got to #3. He followed it up with by covering an actual polka standard that dates back to 1927. This hit #33
Final Score: Beer 33, Love 3. Yeah, a waltzy tune with foreign choruses was kind of strange, but getting genuine Polka on pop radio meant that "Melody of Love" gets Barrelled over.
THE WHY SHOULDN'T THIS SONG HAVE A DISCO VERSION BOWL
"Baby Face," Wing and a Prayer Fife and Drum Corps, 1975
vs. "Chattanooga Choo Choo," Tuxedo Junction, 1978
Jazz age disco battle! First, an anonymous studio group put all the touches of the time on a 1926 tune about cuteness, reaching #14. Then, a different anonymous group brought a 1941 Glenn Miller tune about a Tennessee train to the dance floor, and to #32 in the charts.
Final Score: Chattanooga 29, Baby 13. The Junction picked a more interesting song, and put more effort in. A wing and a prayer wasn't enough to start anything.
THE LET'S MAKE IT SOUND JUST LIKE IT DID BACK THEN BOWL
"Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy," Bette Midler, 1973
vs. "The Entertainer," Marvin Hamlisch, 1974
A pair of faithful anachronisms. First, the Divine Miss M scored a #8 by mimicking The Andrews Sisters on the tale of a jazz horn player who was finds his niche in the military, which they introduced in the Abbott and Costello filmy Buck Privates. A year later, composer and arranger Hamlisch reached #3 with a straight up version of a Scott Joplin rag, which he recreated for the 1973 film The Sting.
Final Score: Boogie 28, Entertainer 27. Excruciatingly close. Neither of these seemed like surefire pop smashes at the time. In the end, Bette's company jumped when the bugle boy and his band played one more "Reveille," allowing them to end up on top.
HE PLUCK AND CLUCK BOWL
"Duelling Banjos," Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandell, 1973
vs. "In the Mood," Henhouse Five Plus Too, 1977
A couple of interesting songs without words. First, Weissberg and Mandell went to #2 with their string duet from the movie Deliverance. Four years later, novelty artist Stevens slipped into the #40 spot by mimicking a chicken to the tune of one of Glenn Miller's best-known numbers.
Final Score: Banjos 28, Mood 14. A close contest for most of the way, but in the fourth quarter the Banjos team overpowered the opposition and made the chickens squeal like pigs.
THE CRANK UP THE COVERS BOWL
"House of the Rising Sun," Frijid Pink, 1970
vs. "Summertime Blues," The Who, 1970
Two hard rock bands made oldies louder. First, Detroit's Frijid Pink got to #7 with a cover of a folk-derived blues song popularized by The Animals in 1964. Later that year, The Who got to #27 with a live, powerful cover of Eddie Cochrane's 1958 teenage lament.
Final Score: Who 38, Pink 10. The Who just blew the competition away with their decibels. Watching the action was a cheer section. A Blue Cheer section, in fact, taking notes of the fact that distorting songs like this was their idea, which they introduced on a cover of, well whaddaya know, "Summertime Blues."
THE SGT. PEPPER OR PET SOUNDS BOWL
"Mr. Blue Sky, " Electric Light Orchestra, 1978
vs, "Tusk," Fleetwood Mac, 1979
A couple songs that evoke iconic albums by the Beatles and Beach Boys, respectively. First, ELO got to #35 with an elaborate production evoking sunshine and happiness that sounds like an extension of the middle section of the Fabs' "A Day in the Life." Then, at the end of the decade, the Mac picked up a #8 with their own big sounding opus, which featured some interesting harmonies, found sounds, and even the University of Southern California marching band, showing an ambition reminiscent of Brian Wilson.
Final Score: Tusk 41, Sky 24. ELO had a big vision, but Fleetwood Mac were powered by both vision and voluminous amounts of drugs, and there's no testing in this tournament. Unlike the 1982 Cal-Stanford game, having a marching band come onto the field actually helped.
THE ESL BOWL
"Kiss in the Dark," Pink Lady, 1979
vs. "Saturday Night," Herman Brood and His Wild Romance, 1979
A pair of hits from acts where English is a foreign language. First, a pair of Japanese ladies who were huge stars at home made it to #37 by phonetically singing about a no good lover to substandard disco. The same year, Dutchman Brood, a man who lived the sex-drugs-rock n'roll lifestyle to its fullest picked up a Stateside #35 with a grimy rocker about street life.
Final Score: Brood 49, Pink 13. A blowout. The Ladies blended in too well, as their hit was pretty part for the course, and their accents are imperceptible. Brood, on the other hand, lets all his Europeanness and self-nihilism out in a way that you can almost hear the sleaze and depravity. Fear not for the losers, however, as shortly after their song came out, they got a deal with NBC to host a variety show. I see nothing but good things for that project.
THE SPINNING YOUR HEAD, AND OPTIONALLY, THE REST OF YOUR BODY AROUND BOWL
"Tubular Bells," Mike Oldfield, 1974
vs. "Music Box Dancer," Frank Mills, 1979
Two piano-driven instrumentals. First, Britain's Oldfield got to #7 with three minutes of a haunting album-length piece, parts of which were used to great effect in the 1973 horror classic The Exorcist. Six years later, Canadian Mills made it to #3 with a tinkly piano tune that had no horrific associations whatsoever.
Final Score: Bells 66, Box 3. A truly unholy beatdown. "Music Box Dancer" was kinda different, but did it make you picture vomit and desecration of holy symbols? Well, maybe for the odd person, but for the most part, that was saved for its opponent.
THE NO, NONSENSE BOWL
"Gimme Dat Ding," The Pipkins, 1970
vs. "Chick-a-Boom (Don't Ya Jes' Love It)," Daddy Dewdrop, 1971
A couple numbers that are just plain silly. First, a British duo makes an unclear demand, with one guy sounding like a muppet and the other singing very gravelly, going to #9 in the process. Then, Cleveland's Dick Monda got his own #9 with his tale of chasing a mysterious lady in a bikini through three doors leading to exotic locale.
Final Score: Ding 16, Boom 9. The Pipkins enigmatic approach prevailed over Dewdrop's strange but straightforward storytelling. No one could tell where they were going. But Daddy got some consolaction when he opened the door to his locker room after the game and found the girl in the bikini waiting for him. He jes' loved that.
THE GO-KART MOZART SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THAT RACE BOWL
"Hot Rod Lincoln," Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen, 1972
vs. "Blinded by the Light," Manfred Mann's Earth Band, 1977
A couple of songs that are, in their own ways, hard to keep up with. First, Michigan country-rockers Cody and Co. got to #9 with their tale of a street race involving a souped-up Model A Ford. Then, Mr. Mann and his band went all the way to #1 with a cover of a 1973 Bruce Springsteen tune with inscrutable lyrics and Seussian rhymes.
Final Score; Light 41, Lincoln 16. A comfortable win for the Earth Band, who confused the defense when their quarterback would call signals like "Teenage Diplomat! Silicone Sister! Dethrone the Dictaphone! Hut!" Afterward, coach Cody told his defeated charges, "Boys, you're gonna drive me to drinkin'.
THE HAIRY CHESTS AND MEDALLIONS EVERYWHERE BOWL
"Feelings," Morris Albert, 1975
vs. "After the Lovin'," Engelbert Humperdinck, 1977
Two of the decade's most overwrought ballads. First, Brazil's Albert got to #6 with a whiny, whoa-oh-oh-ful tune about trying to forget. Then, the former Arnold Dorsey made it to #8 with an overblown post-costal tribute to his lady.
Final Score: Feelings 30, Lovin' 20. Yes, Engelbert is overtly creepy on his hit, but there's something even scarier about Morris' whinier approach. You don't know how far he'll go to forget his feelings. Humperdinck must take his lovin' elsewhere.
THE HOW DID THEY GET THAT SOUND BOWL
"Double Barrel," Dave and Ansil Collins, 1971
vs. "Do You Feel Like We Do," Peter Frampton, 1976
Two tracks with some sonic peculiarities. First, a Jamaican duo climbed to #22 with a bouncy reggae tune heavily featuring echo effects. Then, British rocker Frampton made it to #10 with a live performance best remembered for his use of the "talk box," a device that allows a musician to filter his voice through an electric guitar.
Final Score: Feel 14, Barrel 7. Frampton's use of the talk box to call plays at the line confused both teams, but his own just a little less, and at the end of the game, they came alive and got the W.
THE LOT OF 'SPLAININ' TO DO BOWL
"Get Dancin'," Disco Tex and the Sex-O-Lettes, 1975
vs. "Disco Lucy," Wilson Place Street Band, 1977
Two strange disco tracks. First, celebrity hairdresser Monti Rock III delivered rapid-fire self-promotional patter over nonsensical backup vocals on a #10 hit. Then, a group of Los Angeles musicians were assembled in a studio for the sole purpose of recording a disco version of the theme to I Love Lucy. They were rewarded for their efforts with a #24 hit.
Final Score: Tex 55, Lucy 21. It was close after two quarters, but after the halftime show featuring the clean-cut youngsters of Hooray for Everything, Tex and the Lettes stomped the opposition like Italian grapes, leaving the Wilson street gang looking as lost as two candy company employees trying to keep up with a high-speed conveyor belt.
We'll be back to charts next time, but this tournament will continue soon enough. See you soon.
THE CLASSICAL HAPPINESS BOWL
"A Song of Joy," Miguel Rios, 1970
vs. "Joy," Apollo 100, 1972
A couple updates of famous classical pieces. First, Spaniard Rios, who is credited as being his country's first rock star, adds his own lyrics to anot elaborate production of the "Ode to Joy" portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. It reached #14. Then, British instrumentalists Apollo 100 did an electric version of J.S. Bach's "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring," that got to #6
Final Score: Apollo 7, Rios 6. Close but uneventful. The Bach one just sounds a little more interesting. Plus ithe was used in the film Boogie Nights, and they do say football is a game of inches...
THE SOUND OF THE FUTURE THEN BOWL
"Popcorn," Hot Butter, 1972
vs. "Autobahn," Kraftwerk, 1975
Two early examples of electronic music. First, New York jazz musician Stan Free and his group used a Moog synthesizer to create a track that uses beeps to simulate the popping of corn. It hit #9. Three years later, a band from Dusseldorf, Germany took advantage of advancements in technology to create a piece evocative of driving fast on a German highway. A three-minute edit of the original 22 minute piece reached #25.
Final Score: Popcorn 28, Autobahn 20: In this contest, minimalism wins. "Autobahn" was and is unique, but it has always sounded like, you know, a
song. "Popcorn," on the other hand, always sounded like something that didn't take much effort. You can probably make more sophisticated music these days with a phone app. Besides, what do Germans know about American football?
THE THIS IS GREAT, BUT HOW DO WE MAKE IT SPEAK TO THE KIDS BOWL
"Also Sprach Zarathustra (2001)," Deodato, 1973
vs. "A Fifth of Beethoven," Walter Murphy, 1976
A couple more classical updates, First, Brazilian Eumir Deodato got to #2 with a jazz-funk take on a piece that Richard Strauss was inspired to write in 1896 by the writings of philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, and was later popularized by the 1968 film 2001: A Space Odyssey. Then, New York musician Murphy did a disco version of Beethoven's iconic Fifth Symphony, going all the way to #1.
Final Score: Deodato 44, Murphy 37. A back-and-fort, high-scoring contest, decided late into the game when the Zarathustras bring on their secret weapon: none other than the Nature Boy, Ric Flair. He's taken on more fifths in bars from one end of this world to the other than you can imagine. He struts down that field, styling and profiling all the way into the end zone for the winning TD. Woooooooo!
THE POLISH PRINCE BOWL
"My Melody of Love," Bobby Vinton, 1974
vs. "Beer Barrel Polka," Bobby Vinton, 1975
In the mid-70s, sixties crooner Vinton squeezed out two more hits by embracing his Polish heritage. First, he took a German hit, translated it into English and Polish, and got to #3. He followed it up with by covering an actual polka standard that dates back to 1927. This hit #33
Final Score: Beer 33, Love 3. Yeah, a waltzy tune with foreign choruses was kind of strange, but getting genuine Polka on pop radio meant that "Melody of Love" gets Barrelled over.
THE WHY SHOULDN'T THIS SONG HAVE A DISCO VERSION BOWL
"Baby Face," Wing and a Prayer Fife and Drum Corps, 1975
vs. "Chattanooga Choo Choo," Tuxedo Junction, 1978
Jazz age disco battle! First, an anonymous studio group put all the touches of the time on a 1926 tune about cuteness, reaching #14. Then, a different anonymous group brought a 1941 Glenn Miller tune about a Tennessee train to the dance floor, and to #32 in the charts.
Final Score: Chattanooga 29, Baby 13. The Junction picked a more interesting song, and put more effort in. A wing and a prayer wasn't enough to start anything.
THE LET'S MAKE IT SOUND JUST LIKE IT DID BACK THEN BOWL
"Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy," Bette Midler, 1973
vs. "The Entertainer," Marvin Hamlisch, 1974
A pair of faithful anachronisms. First, the Divine Miss M scored a #8 by mimicking The Andrews Sisters on the tale of a jazz horn player who was finds his niche in the military, which they introduced in the Abbott and Costello filmy Buck Privates. A year later, composer and arranger Hamlisch reached #3 with a straight up version of a Scott Joplin rag, which he recreated for the 1973 film The Sting.
Final Score: Boogie 28, Entertainer 27. Excruciatingly close. Neither of these seemed like surefire pop smashes at the time. In the end, Bette's company jumped when the bugle boy and his band played one more "Reveille," allowing them to end up on top.
HE PLUCK AND CLUCK BOWL
"Duelling Banjos," Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandell, 1973
vs. "In the Mood," Henhouse Five Plus Too, 1977
A couple of interesting songs without words. First, Weissberg and Mandell went to #2 with their string duet from the movie Deliverance. Four years later, novelty artist Stevens slipped into the #40 spot by mimicking a chicken to the tune of one of Glenn Miller's best-known numbers.
Final Score: Banjos 28, Mood 14. A close contest for most of the way, but in the fourth quarter the Banjos team overpowered the opposition and made the chickens squeal like pigs.
THE CRANK UP THE COVERS BOWL
"House of the Rising Sun," Frijid Pink, 1970
vs. "Summertime Blues," The Who, 1970
Two hard rock bands made oldies louder. First, Detroit's Frijid Pink got to #7 with a cover of a folk-derived blues song popularized by The Animals in 1964. Later that year, The Who got to #27 with a live, powerful cover of Eddie Cochrane's 1958 teenage lament.
Final Score: Who 38, Pink 10. The Who just blew the competition away with their decibels. Watching the action was a cheer section. A Blue Cheer section, in fact, taking notes of the fact that distorting songs like this was their idea, which they introduced on a cover of, well whaddaya know, "Summertime Blues."
THE SGT. PEPPER OR PET SOUNDS BOWL
"Mr. Blue Sky, " Electric Light Orchestra, 1978
vs, "Tusk," Fleetwood Mac, 1979
A couple songs that evoke iconic albums by the Beatles and Beach Boys, respectively. First, ELO got to #35 with an elaborate production evoking sunshine and happiness that sounds like an extension of the middle section of the Fabs' "A Day in the Life." Then, at the end of the decade, the Mac picked up a #8 with their own big sounding opus, which featured some interesting harmonies, found sounds, and even the University of Southern California marching band, showing an ambition reminiscent of Brian Wilson.
Final Score: Tusk 41, Sky 24. ELO had a big vision, but Fleetwood Mac were powered by both vision and voluminous amounts of drugs, and there's no testing in this tournament. Unlike the 1982 Cal-Stanford game, having a marching band come onto the field actually helped.
THE ESL BOWL
"Kiss in the Dark," Pink Lady, 1979
vs. "Saturday Night," Herman Brood and His Wild Romance, 1979
A pair of hits from acts where English is a foreign language. First, a pair of Japanese ladies who were huge stars at home made it to #37 by phonetically singing about a no good lover to substandard disco. The same year, Dutchman Brood, a man who lived the sex-drugs-rock n'roll lifestyle to its fullest picked up a Stateside #35 with a grimy rocker about street life.
Final Score: Brood 49, Pink 13. A blowout. The Ladies blended in too well, as their hit was pretty part for the course, and their accents are imperceptible. Brood, on the other hand, lets all his Europeanness and self-nihilism out in a way that you can almost hear the sleaze and depravity. Fear not for the losers, however, as shortly after their song came out, they got a deal with NBC to host a variety show. I see nothing but good things for that project.
THE SPINNING YOUR HEAD, AND OPTIONALLY, THE REST OF YOUR BODY AROUND BOWL
"Tubular Bells," Mike Oldfield, 1974
vs. "Music Box Dancer," Frank Mills, 1979
Two piano-driven instrumentals. First, Britain's Oldfield got to #7 with three minutes of a haunting album-length piece, parts of which were used to great effect in the 1973 horror classic The Exorcist. Six years later, Canadian Mills made it to #3 with a tinkly piano tune that had no horrific associations whatsoever.
Final Score: Bells 66, Box 3. A truly unholy beatdown. "Music Box Dancer" was kinda different, but did it make you picture vomit and desecration of holy symbols? Well, maybe for the odd person, but for the most part, that was saved for its opponent.
THE NO, NONSENSE BOWL
"Gimme Dat Ding," The Pipkins, 1970
vs. "Chick-a-Boom (Don't Ya Jes' Love It)," Daddy Dewdrop, 1971
A couple numbers that are just plain silly. First, a British duo makes an unclear demand, with one guy sounding like a muppet and the other singing very gravelly, going to #9 in the process. Then, Cleveland's Dick Monda got his own #9 with his tale of chasing a mysterious lady in a bikini through three doors leading to exotic locale.
Final Score: Ding 16, Boom 9. The Pipkins enigmatic approach prevailed over Dewdrop's strange but straightforward storytelling. No one could tell where they were going. But Daddy got some consolaction when he opened the door to his locker room after the game and found the girl in the bikini waiting for him. He jes' loved that.
THE GO-KART MOZART SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THAT RACE BOWL
"Hot Rod Lincoln," Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen, 1972
vs. "Blinded by the Light," Manfred Mann's Earth Band, 1977
A couple of songs that are, in their own ways, hard to keep up with. First, Michigan country-rockers Cody and Co. got to #9 with their tale of a street race involving a souped-up Model A Ford. Then, Mr. Mann and his band went all the way to #1 with a cover of a 1973 Bruce Springsteen tune with inscrutable lyrics and Seussian rhymes.
Final Score; Light 41, Lincoln 16. A comfortable win for the Earth Band, who confused the defense when their quarterback would call signals like "Teenage Diplomat! Silicone Sister! Dethrone the Dictaphone! Hut!" Afterward, coach Cody told his defeated charges, "Boys, you're gonna drive me to drinkin'.
THE HAIRY CHESTS AND MEDALLIONS EVERYWHERE BOWL
"Feelings," Morris Albert, 1975
vs. "After the Lovin'," Engelbert Humperdinck, 1977
Two of the decade's most overwrought ballads. First, Brazil's Albert got to #6 with a whiny, whoa-oh-oh-ful tune about trying to forget. Then, the former Arnold Dorsey made it to #8 with an overblown post-costal tribute to his lady.
Final Score: Feelings 30, Lovin' 20. Yes, Engelbert is overtly creepy on his hit, but there's something even scarier about Morris' whinier approach. You don't know how far he'll go to forget his feelings. Humperdinck must take his lovin' elsewhere.
THE HOW DID THEY GET THAT SOUND BOWL
"Double Barrel," Dave and Ansil Collins, 1971
vs. "Do You Feel Like We Do," Peter Frampton, 1976
Two tracks with some sonic peculiarities. First, a Jamaican duo climbed to #22 with a bouncy reggae tune heavily featuring echo effects. Then, British rocker Frampton made it to #10 with a live performance best remembered for his use of the "talk box," a device that allows a musician to filter his voice through an electric guitar.
Final Score: Feel 14, Barrel 7. Frampton's use of the talk box to call plays at the line confused both teams, but his own just a little less, and at the end of the game, they came alive and got the W.
THE LOT OF 'SPLAININ' TO DO BOWL
"Get Dancin'," Disco Tex and the Sex-O-Lettes, 1975
vs. "Disco Lucy," Wilson Place Street Band, 1977
Two strange disco tracks. First, celebrity hairdresser Monti Rock III delivered rapid-fire self-promotional patter over nonsensical backup vocals on a #10 hit. Then, a group of Los Angeles musicians were assembled in a studio for the sole purpose of recording a disco version of the theme to I Love Lucy. They were rewarded for their efforts with a #24 hit.
Final Score: Tex 55, Lucy 21. It was close after two quarters, but after the halftime show featuring the clean-cut youngsters of Hooray for Everything, Tex and the Lettes stomped the opposition like Italian grapes, leaving the Wilson street gang looking as lost as two candy company employees trying to keep up with a high-speed conveyor belt.
We'll be back to charts next time, but this tournament will continue soon enough. See you soon.
Friday, March 30, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 March 14, 1981
The rest of 1981
20 - "I Missed Again," Phil Collins
Done again. Something new soon. See you then.
20 - "I Missed Again," Phil Collins
Phil's second solo hit here was this horn-heavy song about divorce. In the middle of his hit pack.
19 - "Rock This Town," The Stray Cats
The secone of two top tens here for the New York rockabillians. It rocked many a town, as it said it would. Underappreciated.
18 - "Return of the Los Palmas 7," Madness
Their second instrumental Top Ten saw them being more Latin than ska, and it worked. No idea who or what the Los Palmas 7 is, though.
17 - "Star," Kiki Dee
Her last hit was this Mehr pop-rocker about achieving one's dreams of stardom. Like anew attempted highlight of a mediocre musical.
16 - "You Better You Bet," The Who
Their last Top Ten was this one about how horny Roger Daltrey is and how his lady wants to be sure he's not cheating. I think that's it. I better be right.
15 - "(Somebody) Help Me Out," Beggar and Co
More British jazz-funk. This band's biggest hit is an okay call for assistance. It aims for smooth, but hits bland.
More British jazz-funk. This band's biggest hit is an okay call for assistance. It aims for smooth, but hits bland.
14 - "Once in a Lifetime," Talking Heads
Their first U.K. hit was this all-time classic on which David Byrne is suddenly surrounded by luxury and wonders what it all means over bubbling synthetic and one of the monster bass lines of all time. If you don't like it, you may ask yourself, "My God, what have I done?"
13 - "Reward," The Teardrop Explodes
The first and biggest hit for this Liverpool band was this horn-heavy fast rocker about how we all get what we deserve in the end, or something like that. A great listen nonetheless.
12 - "I Surrender," Rainbow
The biggest hit for the band guitarist Ritchie Blackmore formed after leaving Deep Purple was this poppy take-me-back rocker. To me, it's just lower level Foreigner.
11 - "It's a Mystery (Four from Toyah)," Toyah
The band named after lead singer Wilcox had their first hit with an EP led by this jagged, floaty number about the unknowns in life. Really cool new wave pop.
Hit me ten times!
Hit me ten times!
10 - "St. Valentines Day Massacre EP," Motorhead/Girlschool
A team up between Lemmy's boys and London's premier all-female metal band, referring to themselves as Headgirl. The lead track sees the groups teaming up on a tasty cover of a lusty 1959 song by Johnny Kidd and the Pirates. The other two tracks see the bands taking a crack at one of the others' songs, with Motorhead doing "Emergency," and Girlschool taking on "Bomber." It's all wonderful.
9 - "Something About You Baby I Like," Status Quo
9 - "Something About You Baby I Like," Status Quo
Their thirteenth Top Ten was this version of a song first recorded by Tom Jones. It's cheesy pop about admiring a lady from afar, and at this time, cheese was their status quo.
8 - "Southern Freeez," Freeez
8 - "Southern Freeez," Freeez
The first hit for these London funksters was this light sweet groove about a dance I have never heard of. If you like Sade and Swing Out Sister, this is in your wheelhouse.
7 - "This Ole House," Shakin' Stevens
7 - "This Ole House," Shakin' Stevens
Shaky got his first #1 with of a song that was a chart topper for Rosemary Cooney in 1954. It compares growing old to a deteriorating domicile, and was inspired by a hunting trip during which Stuart Hamblin and his buddy John Wayne stumbled upon a shack containing a dead body. Really. It's always nice when a jaunty pop song has a Stephen King-esque backstory.
6 - "Kids in America," Kim Wilde
Li'l Kim's debut single, an immortal hunk of New Wave bubblegum. I still want to know what crazy shit they were up to in "East California," though.
5 - "Do the Hucklebuck," Coast to Coast
5 - "Do the Hucklebuck," Coast to Coast
From Wellingborough in Northamptonshire, these guys had the first and biggest hit with a cover of a jazz dance tune that dates back to 1949. This is more filtered through new wave, and thus comes out neutered, like the ouevre of Modern Romance. Best to find versions with the grit to get across the raunchy spirit of the piece, like Roy Milton's or even Chubby Checker's.
4 - "Vienna," Ultravox
The Vox's biggest hit was this daily atmospheric piano-and-drum-machine track about the fading memory of a romance in the Austrian capital. It means...something to me. I'm not sure what, though.
3 - "Shaddap Your Face," Joe Dolce
Born in Ohio in 1947, Dolce had some success as a songwriter, but then after moving to Australia in the late 70s, he became a cabaret performer and put together this worldwide smash on which he put on a cartoonish Italian accent and sang about the stereotypical phrases his mama used-a to say-a. I have to say, I gotta no respect for this, but it's-a not so bad, it's-a nice-a song. And it gets an Uneasy-a Rider-a.
2 - "Kings of the Wild Frontier," Adam and the Ants
The third Anthit was this showcase for their use of the Burundi beat, with lyrics about the nobility of being wild and untamed. There are some now-troubling lyrics to the effect of Adam being of Native American hue "beneath the white," but if you shut out those when they come on, it's more cool exuberance.
1 - "Jealous Guy," Roxy Music
Roxy's only #1 was a cover of a track from Lennon's Imagine LP that the band recorded as a tribute after his death. Bryan Ferry does a nice job of replicating the required vulnerability. It's not radically different, but in this context, that made perfect sense,
Done again. Something new soon. See you then.
Monday, March 26, 2018
An Old Man Abroad: UKT40 March 14, 1981
Spring 1981. The Thatcher government was cutting spending, which wasn't winning them any popularity contests. Meanwhile, these were the leaders in a different sort of popularity contest.
40 - "Fade to Grey," Visage
The first and biggest hit for these London New Romantics was this haunting synth track about loneliness and alienation. The lyrics, sung in English but also spoken in French, add to the atmosphere. New Wave Nirvana (the Buddhist kind).
39 - "Ceremony," New Order
After the suicide of singer Ian Curtis, the remaining members of Joy Division, Bernard Sumner, Peter Hook and Stephen Morris, continued on with a new name and the addition of Morris' girlfriend Gillian Gilbert. Their debut single is a Joy Division leftover, and sounds like it: dark rock with a view of love that doesn't seem quite right. Excellent, but more of a Joy Division epilogue than a preview of what was to come from this band.
38 - "Einstein a-Go-Go," Landscape
The first and biggest hit by these English synth purveyors was this somewhat Teutonic sounding tune about a guy who ominously pledges to right all the wrongs in the world, possibly by using the theory of relativity. Would it have been better if it had been about Albert in a minidress dancing The Swim in a cage? Maybe not. But I'd listen to that version too.
37 - "Can You Handle It," Sharon Redd
After a career that saw her go to Australia to be in that country's first production of Hair, and later do a stint in Better Midler's backing ensemble The Harlettes, New Yorker Redd had a solo career that saw her pick up five British hits, the first being this bit of boastful disco/funk. I could handle it, and she made me want to. A good effort from someone who could have entered a higher rank of diva with the right connections.
36 - "Sgt. Rock (Is Going to Help Me)," XTC
The fourth hit for testing Swindon boys was this rocker about a man requesting military assistance in winning "the battle of the sexes" and invading the foreign and strange territory known as romance. It's not clear if the soldier in the title is the long running DC Comics character or an identically named British one, but regardless, it's more great Andy Partridge wordplay, poppily delivered.
35 - "Walking on Thin Ice," Yoko Ono
Born in Tokyo, Ono had established herself as an up and coming avant-garde artist when she met John Lennon in 1966. She was unfairly blamed for the Beatles' breakup in 1970, and through the next decade she clearly emerged as the love of Lennon's life. When he was shot, John was holding a tape containing the final mix of this song, a cool dance-rocker about the fleeting nature of life. This made its release as a single particularly poignant, and cast a new light on lines like "I may cry someday." And yes, Yoko is not known for being a, shall we say, conventional singer, but what she does on this works very well. A surprise gem.
34 - "I'm in Love with a German Film Star," The Passions
The one hit by these London New Wavers was this cool tune about being enamored by a foreign actor. Great strutting music. It really did move me.
33 - "Romeo and Juliet," Dire Straits
The Straits' second Top Ten was this epic ballad about star crossed lovers. It's tender, tough, romantic and sad. Possibly Knopfler's artistic high point
32- "Mind of a Toy," Visage
These guys' second appearance this week is with this song that compares a jilted lover to a discarded plaything. Another winner.
31 - "Can You Feel It," The Jacksons
The fourth Top Ten here for their post-Motown incarnation was this sweet bit of Utopian funk. Randy does okay with the verses, but Michael, to no one's surprise, takes the choruses to another level. Before MTV existed (not to mention their early unofficial ban on black artists) the group made an expensive, special effects-laden video for this, featuring giant versions of the brothers sprinkling stardust on the world below and Michael lifting a rainbow up to the sky and setting it on fire. Not surprisingly, this was all Michael's idea. You really should look it up, if you've never seen it.
30 - "We'll Bring the House Down," Slade
The 70s icons returned to the Top Ten for the first time in six years with this rollicking, chant-based ode to the exhilaration of a loud concert. Wonderfully evocative, and it gives them their first register on the Headbangometer, a solid 4.
29 - "Message of Love," Pretenders
Their fifth hit was this stuttery rocker about the universal need to love and be loved. It's good good good, like...Catherine Deneuve, or some other famous French actress.
28 - "Antmusic," Adam and the Ants
Another spin for their defining smash. Keep the jukebox plugged in.
27 - "Lately," Stevie Wonder
This sophisticated ballad of romantic doubt has become one of Stevie's standards, but it initially flopped in the States. But Britain pulled it up to the Top Five. That's the superior taste I know and love.
26 - "Planet Earth," Duran Duran
The Duranies' debut single was this song about, I don't know, feeling like an alien or something. Regardless, it's funky, it's meta (the lyrics contain the term "New Romantic," referring to the emerging genre they were considered part of), it's a fine launch to a remarkable career.
25 - "That's Entertainment," The Jam
This song was not released officially in the U.K. as a single, but sales of the import powered it as high as #21. It could have been a #1 otherwise, because it's an acoustic slice of city life's grimness and small pleasures that moves the soul. It's so much more than mere entertainment.
24 - "The Oldest Swinger in Town," Fred Wedlock
Bristol comedy folksinger Wedlock (his real name) had his biggest hit with this country romp about a middle aged man still trying to live the nightlife. Funnier and less groanworthy than I had expected.
23 - "Woman," John Lennon
John's passionate ode to Yolo was denied a Triple Crown by the U.S., where it hit #2. Regardlesss, a personal, intimate, lovely love song.
22 - "Hot Love," Kelly Marie
The Scot's third and last hit was this mild bit of sex disco, enlivened by some surprise bagpipes in the middle. A few degrees above room temperature.
21 - "Jones vs. Jones/Summer Madness/Funky Stuff," Kool and the Gang
The A side is a blah number about divorce, which is probably why two older tracks were added to the record: the latter a 1973 party jam, the former an evocative instrumental ballad that DJ Jazzy Jeff would sample to great effect ten years after this. Why would you even play the A if you bought this?
In Part Two: we visit the U.S.A., Austria, and Italy.
40 - "Fade to Grey," Visage
The first and biggest hit for these London New Romantics was this haunting synth track about loneliness and alienation. The lyrics, sung in English but also spoken in French, add to the atmosphere. New Wave Nirvana (the Buddhist kind).
39 - "Ceremony," New Order
After the suicide of singer Ian Curtis, the remaining members of Joy Division, Bernard Sumner, Peter Hook and Stephen Morris, continued on with a new name and the addition of Morris' girlfriend Gillian Gilbert. Their debut single is a Joy Division leftover, and sounds like it: dark rock with a view of love that doesn't seem quite right. Excellent, but more of a Joy Division epilogue than a preview of what was to come from this band.
38 - "Einstein a-Go-Go," Landscape
The first and biggest hit by these English synth purveyors was this somewhat Teutonic sounding tune about a guy who ominously pledges to right all the wrongs in the world, possibly by using the theory of relativity. Would it have been better if it had been about Albert in a minidress dancing The Swim in a cage? Maybe not. But I'd listen to that version too.
37 - "Can You Handle It," Sharon Redd
After a career that saw her go to Australia to be in that country's first production of Hair, and later do a stint in Better Midler's backing ensemble The Harlettes, New Yorker Redd had a solo career that saw her pick up five British hits, the first being this bit of boastful disco/funk. I could handle it, and she made me want to. A good effort from someone who could have entered a higher rank of diva with the right connections.
36 - "Sgt. Rock (Is Going to Help Me)," XTC
The fourth hit for testing Swindon boys was this rocker about a man requesting military assistance in winning "the battle of the sexes" and invading the foreign and strange territory known as romance. It's not clear if the soldier in the title is the long running DC Comics character or an identically named British one, but regardless, it's more great Andy Partridge wordplay, poppily delivered.
35 - "Walking on Thin Ice," Yoko Ono
Born in Tokyo, Ono had established herself as an up and coming avant-garde artist when she met John Lennon in 1966. She was unfairly blamed for the Beatles' breakup in 1970, and through the next decade she clearly emerged as the love of Lennon's life. When he was shot, John was holding a tape containing the final mix of this song, a cool dance-rocker about the fleeting nature of life. This made its release as a single particularly poignant, and cast a new light on lines like "I may cry someday." And yes, Yoko is not known for being a, shall we say, conventional singer, but what she does on this works very well. A surprise gem.
34 - "I'm in Love with a German Film Star," The Passions
The one hit by these London New Wavers was this cool tune about being enamored by a foreign actor. Great strutting music. It really did move me.
33 - "Romeo and Juliet," Dire Straits
The Straits' second Top Ten was this epic ballad about star crossed lovers. It's tender, tough, romantic and sad. Possibly Knopfler's artistic high point
32- "Mind of a Toy," Visage
These guys' second appearance this week is with this song that compares a jilted lover to a discarded plaything. Another winner.
31 - "Can You Feel It," The Jacksons
The fourth Top Ten here for their post-Motown incarnation was this sweet bit of Utopian funk. Randy does okay with the verses, but Michael, to no one's surprise, takes the choruses to another level. Before MTV existed (not to mention their early unofficial ban on black artists) the group made an expensive, special effects-laden video for this, featuring giant versions of the brothers sprinkling stardust on the world below and Michael lifting a rainbow up to the sky and setting it on fire. Not surprisingly, this was all Michael's idea. You really should look it up, if you've never seen it.
30 - "We'll Bring the House Down," Slade
The 70s icons returned to the Top Ten for the first time in six years with this rollicking, chant-based ode to the exhilaration of a loud concert. Wonderfully evocative, and it gives them their first register on the Headbangometer, a solid 4.
29 - "Message of Love," Pretenders
Their fifth hit was this stuttery rocker about the universal need to love and be loved. It's good good good, like...Catherine Deneuve, or some other famous French actress.
28 - "Antmusic," Adam and the Ants
Another spin for their defining smash. Keep the jukebox plugged in.
27 - "Lately," Stevie Wonder
This sophisticated ballad of romantic doubt has become one of Stevie's standards, but it initially flopped in the States. But Britain pulled it up to the Top Five. That's the superior taste I know and love.
26 - "Planet Earth," Duran Duran
The Duranies' debut single was this song about, I don't know, feeling like an alien or something. Regardless, it's funky, it's meta (the lyrics contain the term "New Romantic," referring to the emerging genre they were considered part of), it's a fine launch to a remarkable career.
25 - "That's Entertainment," The Jam
This song was not released officially in the U.K. as a single, but sales of the import powered it as high as #21. It could have been a #1 otherwise, because it's an acoustic slice of city life's grimness and small pleasures that moves the soul. It's so much more than mere entertainment.
24 - "The Oldest Swinger in Town," Fred Wedlock
Bristol comedy folksinger Wedlock (his real name) had his biggest hit with this country romp about a middle aged man still trying to live the nightlife. Funnier and less groanworthy than I had expected.
23 - "Woman," John Lennon
John's passionate ode to Yolo was denied a Triple Crown by the U.S., where it hit #2. Regardlesss, a personal, intimate, lovely love song.
22 - "Hot Love," Kelly Marie
The Scot's third and last hit was this mild bit of sex disco, enlivened by some surprise bagpipes in the middle. A few degrees above room temperature.
21 - "Jones vs. Jones/Summer Madness/Funky Stuff," Kool and the Gang
The A side is a blah number about divorce, which is probably why two older tracks were added to the record: the latter a 1973 party jam, the former an evocative instrumental ballad that DJ Jazzy Jeff would sample to great effect ten years after this. Why would you even play the A if you bought this?
In Part Two: we visit the U.S.A., Austria, and Italy.
Sunday, March 18, 2018
The Old Man's Ultimate Grand Championship Uneasy Rider Tournament of US Top 40 Hits of the 1970s, Round 1, Part 1
So I decided to do something a little different to mix in with the chart coverage. I still enjoy it, but there are moments when it becomes a little routine. And so I give you this: a tournament involving 256 of the most interesting, controversial, odd, and/or funny songs to hit the Top 40 of the Billboard Hot 100 during the 1970s. There are #1s, #40s, and everything in between. There are superstars and one-hit wonders. Some are here because of the lyrics, some because of their sound, and some are here for both. But all of them have been chosen because they are somehow more than just your typical pop song.
So we'll start off with the first 16 of our own whopping 128 first-round matchups. I'm going to give each pairing a name in the style of American college football bowl games, and express the outcomes as scores alongside a tongue-in-cheek description of the "game". You'll get the hang of it as we go along. Here we go.
THE BILLY JACK BOWL
"One Tin Soldier," The Original Caste, 1970
vs. "One Tin Soldier," Coven, 1971
We begin with two versions of a folkie anti-war anthem about a "Valley people" who, without provocation, attack and slaughter the people of a neighboring kingdom to plunder the reported treasures in their mountain. However, the treasure of the mountain is merely a rock inscribed with a message of peace. The first hit version was by a Calgary band that moved to LA for a record deal; it hit #34 in 1970. The second came out a year later as the theme to Billy Jack, a blockbuster about a Vietnam vet who kicks assume for hippie ideals. It is credited to Coven, a psychedelic band whow mainly wrote about Satanism and witchcraft; however, the only member who performs on the #26 hit was singer Esther "Jinx" Dawson.
Final Score: Coven 35, Original Caste 21. The arrangements on both recordings are pretty much identical, but Coven pulls away late thanks to their occult connections and the greater conviction of Dawson's vocals. You really feel like she wants you to hate your neighbour.
THE ROBERT ZIMMERMAN CAUSE CELEBRE BOWL
"George Jackson," Bob Dylan, 1971
vs. "Hurricane," Bob Dylan, 1975
Dylan had two major protest hits in the 70s. The first was about a man who became a black revolutionary leader while in prison for robbery before being shot to death during an escape attempt. The second was about Rubin "Hurricane" Carter, a middleweight boxer whose imprisonment for a 1966 triple murder Dylan believed was the result of a racially motivated framing. Both, coincidentally, peaked at #33.
Final Score: Hurricane 37, George Jackson 33: Both songs are impassioned defenses of their subjects, delivered with Bob's trademark intensity. But in the end, the story of the Hurricane prevailed by the margin of the number of strings on Scarlet Rivera's incendiary violin.
THE NIXON BOWL
"Campaign '72," The Delegates, 1972
vs, "Energy Crisis '74," Dickie Goodman, 1974
A pair of political "break-in" records: i.e., records consisting of interviews where the answers take the form of snippets of popular songs. The first takes the form of a convention of the major political figures involved in the 1972 presidential election. It was put together by a Pittsburgh DJ named Bob DeCarlo, and it reached #8. The second was by Dickie Goodman, a Brooklyn producer who had been putting out records like this since the 50s. This effort, about the effects of a six-month Arab oil embargo on the U.S., got to #33
Final Score: Convention 72, Energy Crisis 10: This isn't one of Goodman's better efforts, and so it gets blown out by the Delegates, who display more creativity with a variety of interviewers and a fun running joke about Secretary of State Henry Kissinger's quest for female companionship.
THE MAYBE JOHN WAYNE WASN'T ALWAYS THE GOOD GUY BOWL
"Indian Reservation (The Lament of the Cherokee Reservation Indian)," The Raiders, 1971
vs. "Half-Breed," Cher, 1973
A couple of tunes about Native American issues. The first, a #1 smash by the former Paul Revere and the Raiders, was a strident protest against the destruction of Native culture by European colonists. The second, part of what I call Cher's "Wronged Woman Trilogy," was also a #1, and it tells of a woman who grows up with prejudice due to her half-Cherokee heritage.
Final Score: Cher 10, Raiders 9: A defensive struggle. Both straddle the line between sincerity and parody, but Cher goes a little farther trying to make her backing track sound "authentically" Native American, so that gives her the minor upset.
THE GLORIA STEINEM BOWL
"I am Woman," Helen Reddy, 1972
vs. "Only Women Bleed," Alice Cooper, 1975
Two examples of what was then called "women's lib" infiltrating the pop charts. First there's the mother of all feminist anthems, Reddy's groundbreaking #1 empowerment manifesto. Then there's shock rocker Cooper with his sympathetic ode to a victim of domestic abuse, which hit #12
Final Score: Helen 27, Alice 24: It was a close one. Reddy seemingly had an insurmountable home-field advantage, but Alice came with a lot of tricks in his playbook: his female-sounding name, the contrast of his horror-show image and the tenderness with which he treats his subject, and the veiled, controversy-courting menstruation reference that prompted radio DJs to shorten the title to "Only Women." But in the end, the roar of the home crowd was the difference, inspiring Reddy to demonstrate her strength and invincibility by drilling a last-second game-winning field goal. You doubt her ability to go far in this tournament at your peril.
THE DON'T BLAME ME, I VOTED MCGOVERN BOWL
"Elected," Alice Cooper, 1972
vs, "Dialogue (Part I and II)," Chicago, 1972
More politics. First, Alice comes right back with an exaggerated take on political campaigning, styling himself as a candidate for "the Wild Party." It reached #26. Then it's the Windy City jazz rockers with a #24 on which singers Terry Kathy and Peter Cetera play the roles of a politically engaged concerned citizen and an apathetic, self-centred student discussing the issues of the day.
Final Score: Cooper 45, Chicago 3: Alice started in dominating fashion and kept rolling all the way, using his charisma and extravagant boasts and promises to win bigly. It wasn't until the game was over that we found out he didn't really care, but by then it was too late, he was already moving intothe White House the next round.
THE WE'RE NOT SINGERS, BUT WE ARE ON THE RADIO, SO LET'S MAKE RECORDS BOWL
"What the World Needs Now is Love/Abraham, Martin and John," Tom Clay, 1971
vs. "Desiderata," Les Crane, 1971
A couple of curios from 1971. The first, from a veteran Detroit DJ, was a combination of news clips of the lives and deaths of John and Bobby Kennedy and Martin Luther King, interspersed with versions of hits by Jackie DeShannon and Dion, as well as interviews demonstrating the innocence of children. The second was L.A. broadcaster Crane's accompanied reading of a new-agey self-affirmatiion poem, written in 1927. Both songs hit #8
Final Score: Clay 31, Crane 20: Clay's varied attack proved too much for Crane and his slow, steady approach. But Crane appeared to take the loss in stride, saying after the game, "No doubt, the universe is unfolding as it should."
THE HEY FARMER FARMER, PUT AWAY YOUR DDT BOWL
"Big Yellow Taxi," The Neighborhood, 1970
vs, "Big Yellow Taxi (Live)," Joni Mitchell, 1974
A battle between the two hit versions of Joni's environmental anthem. The first, by an anonymous white bread vocal group, hit #29. Four years later, a live version by the lady herself reached #24.
Final Score: Joni 38, Neighborhood 0: No contest. Mitchell played with passion, while the Neighborhood just seemed happy to be there. Meanwhile, Joni's original studio version stewed in the stands, denied an invitation to compete due to only reaching #67
THE DAMN DIRTY HIPPIES BOWL
"Back When My Hair Was Short," Gunhill Road, 1973
vs. "Uneasy Rider," Charlie Daniels, 1973
A couple songs about the post-60s hippie life. Scraping in at #40, suburban New Yorkers Gunhill Road poppily portrayed the movement as a fun but ultimately meaningless phase between haircuts. North Carolinan Daniels, however, was still flying his freak flag, even in conservative, redneck Mississippi, and he got to #9.
Final Score: Daniels 27, Gunhill 17: The Roadies had a strong first half and were looking to upset the tournament's namesake, but in the second half Charlie started making wild accusations about his opponents' tactics, and by the time the ruse was discovered, he had escaped with an Uneasy victory.
THE NO, WE'RE NOT AMERICA'S MINI-ME AWARD
"Monster," Steppenwolf, 1970
vs. "American Woman," The Guess Who, 1970
Two examples of Canadian bands not being shy about criticizing our southern neighbors. First it's John Kay and company with a litany of American injustices, from witch-burning to the slaughter of Native Americans to the Civil War to Vietnam. It got to #39. Later that year, the crew led by Burton Cummings and Randy Bachman went to #1 with a blast of hard rock decrying the United States' "war machines" and "ghetto scenes."
Final Score: Monster 39, Woman 1: A big time upset. Steppenwolf won by going from the guys who wrote cool songs about motorcycles and magic carpets to laying an undisguised guilt trip on the country where they sold most of their records. The Guess Who tried to be tricky and couch their message in a song that could be about dumping a lady, but it was the wrong approach for this kind of game. The unusual scoreline is attributed to the bitter losers insisting they be awarded a single point for a missed field goal, as they do in Canada.
THE WORLD BE CRAZY BOWL
"Ball of Confusion (That's What the World is Today)," The Temptations, 1970
vs, "Signs," Five Man Electrical Band, 1971
A battle of social commentaries. First, Motown legends the Temps went to #3 with a funky depiction of a world wracked with violence, drugs, prejudice, corruption, and many more evils. Meanwhile, a group from Ottawa would also hit #3 with a rocker about the printed postings of prohibition that we are supposed to obey to maintain a proper society.
Final Score: Ball 21, Signs 19: A close battle between soul concern and hippie anti-establishmentism. It was ultimately decided on the last play. The Electricals had the ball on the Temps' 20 with three seconds remaining, and could have attempted a makeable field goal for the win. But they did not do that, because a scoreboard is a kind of sign, and it's against their nature to do what signs say they should do. So instead, they threw a pass into the end zone, and it was broken up. And the band played on.
THE U.S.A.! U.S.A.! BOWL
"An American Trilogy," Mickey Newbury, 1972
vs. "American City Suite," Cashman and West, 1972
Matching up two songs about, well, America. Country songwriter Newbury had his only hit as a performer when he got to #26 with a medley of the minstrel anthem "Dixie,"the Confederate civil war song "Battle Hymn of the Republic," and the Negro spiritual lullaby "All My Trials." Meanwhile, folkies Terry Cashman and Tommy West went to #27 with a three-movement piece reflecting life how life in America can be by turns idyllic, dangerous and heartbreaking.
Final Score: Trilogy 15, Suite 12 (OT): Another close one, but ultimately, Newbury's tried and true approach prevailed over his opponents' decision to try something brand new. After the game, Cashman was heard talkin' about switching to baseball.
THE TROUBLED YOUTH BOWL
"Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard," Paul Simon, 1972
vs. "At Seventeen," Janis Ian, 1975
Young people with issues are in these songs. First it's Rhymin' Simon with his #22 tale of two juvenile ne'er-do-wells who commit some sort of crime but are absolved with the help of an unorthodox clergyman. Then it's the New Yorker born Janis Fink wh*o had a #3 with a sensitive folk song about the cruelties of life for an unpopular teenage girl.
Final Score: Ian 17, Simon 6: Paul came with a Latin flavor that hadn't been heard much in mainstream pop at the time, but it backs a lot of flashy wordplay that doesn't stick. Janis takes it slow, but she bares her soul and leaves it all out on the field, scoring more than enough to get the win.
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE BOWL
"(You're) Having my Baby," Paul Anka, 1974
vs. "The Killing of Georgie," Rod Stewart, 1977
An admittedly odd matchup. Veteran showman Anka returned to the top of the charts with a somewhat creepy ode to the woman carrying his child. Meanwhile, Rod the Mod got to #30 with the story of a gay man who is ostracized by his family, later finds acceptance in New York, but has his life cut short by a gang of muggers.
Final Score: Stewart 35, Anka 10: Putting out a record with an unabashed homosexual subject was a risk in 1977, but Rod did it anyway, and he gets rewarded here with a big victory. Going the traditional route didn't work for Paul, but you can't argue with the fact that he did it his way.
THE TWO PEOPLE FEATURED IN THAT CASSIUS CLAY KNOCKS OUT THE BEATLES PHOTO BOWL
"Give Ireland Back to the Irish," Wings, 1972
vs. "Black Superman (Muhammad Ali)," Johnny Wakelin and the Kinshasa Band, 1975
This matchup is about controversy. Paul McCartney, more known for pop than politics, got himself banned by the BBC but still made #21 in America by wading into the Troubles with a reaction to the Bloody Sunday killing of demonstrators by British troops in January of that year. Meanwhile, British singer Wakelin and company also hit #21 by singing the praises of the bold, boastful, and polarizing then-Heavyweight Champion of the World, shortly after he had surprised many by regaining his title with a knockout of George Foreman in Zaire.
Final Score: Wings 42, Wakelin 21: Despite having Ali in their corner, the Kinshasa band couldn't overcome the overpowering shock of the "cute Beatle" stepping into the political minefields that his ex-bandmate John Lennon had made a habit of. Wings fly on.
THE HE AIN'T HEAVY, HE'S MY NEIGHBOUR, EVEN THOUGH HE SPELLS NEIGHBOUR WITHOUT THE U BOWL
"The Americans," Byron MacGregor, 1974
vs, "The Americans," Gordon Sinclair, 1974
A battle of two records based on a June 5, 1973 editorial that first aired on Toronto radio station CFRB. The editorial was a rebuke of foreign nations critical of the United States as it struggled financially, ecologically, and politically. A reading of the piece by Windsor broadcaster MacGregor, backed by the Detroit Symphony Orchestra performing "America the Beautiful," became a sensation, reaching #4. In response, Sinclair, the man who had written and delivered the editorial originally, released his own version, set to "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," which made it to #24.
Final Score: Byron 50, Gordon 30: Sinclair drew up the plays, but MacGregor ran them better, delivering the message with all the Ted Baxter/Sam the Eagle self-seriousness he could muster. And as I said once before, the only thing weirder than a hit editorial is a cover version of that editorial.
This begins our journey. My next post will be another chart, but we will pick up this tournament regularly. I've enjoyed it quite a bit so far, and I hope you do too.
So we'll start off with the first 16 of our own whopping 128 first-round matchups. I'm going to give each pairing a name in the style of American college football bowl games, and express the outcomes as scores alongside a tongue-in-cheek description of the "game". You'll get the hang of it as we go along. Here we go.
THE BILLY JACK BOWL
"One Tin Soldier," The Original Caste, 1970
vs. "One Tin Soldier," Coven, 1971
We begin with two versions of a folkie anti-war anthem about a "Valley people" who, without provocation, attack and slaughter the people of a neighboring kingdom to plunder the reported treasures in their mountain. However, the treasure of the mountain is merely a rock inscribed with a message of peace. The first hit version was by a Calgary band that moved to LA for a record deal; it hit #34 in 1970. The second came out a year later as the theme to Billy Jack, a blockbuster about a Vietnam vet who kicks assume for hippie ideals. It is credited to Coven, a psychedelic band whow mainly wrote about Satanism and witchcraft; however, the only member who performs on the #26 hit was singer Esther "Jinx" Dawson.
Final Score: Coven 35, Original Caste 21. The arrangements on both recordings are pretty much identical, but Coven pulls away late thanks to their occult connections and the greater conviction of Dawson's vocals. You really feel like she wants you to hate your neighbour.
THE ROBERT ZIMMERMAN CAUSE CELEBRE BOWL
"George Jackson," Bob Dylan, 1971
vs. "Hurricane," Bob Dylan, 1975
Dylan had two major protest hits in the 70s. The first was about a man who became a black revolutionary leader while in prison for robbery before being shot to death during an escape attempt. The second was about Rubin "Hurricane" Carter, a middleweight boxer whose imprisonment for a 1966 triple murder Dylan believed was the result of a racially motivated framing. Both, coincidentally, peaked at #33.
Final Score: Hurricane 37, George Jackson 33: Both songs are impassioned defenses of their subjects, delivered with Bob's trademark intensity. But in the end, the story of the Hurricane prevailed by the margin of the number of strings on Scarlet Rivera's incendiary violin.
THE NIXON BOWL
"Campaign '72," The Delegates, 1972
vs, "Energy Crisis '74," Dickie Goodman, 1974
A pair of political "break-in" records: i.e., records consisting of interviews where the answers take the form of snippets of popular songs. The first takes the form of a convention of the major political figures involved in the 1972 presidential election. It was put together by a Pittsburgh DJ named Bob DeCarlo, and it reached #8. The second was by Dickie Goodman, a Brooklyn producer who had been putting out records like this since the 50s. This effort, about the effects of a six-month Arab oil embargo on the U.S., got to #33
Final Score: Convention 72, Energy Crisis 10: This isn't one of Goodman's better efforts, and so it gets blown out by the Delegates, who display more creativity with a variety of interviewers and a fun running joke about Secretary of State Henry Kissinger's quest for female companionship.
THE MAYBE JOHN WAYNE WASN'T ALWAYS THE GOOD GUY BOWL
"Indian Reservation (The Lament of the Cherokee Reservation Indian)," The Raiders, 1971
vs. "Half-Breed," Cher, 1973
A couple of tunes about Native American issues. The first, a #1 smash by the former Paul Revere and the Raiders, was a strident protest against the destruction of Native culture by European colonists. The second, part of what I call Cher's "Wronged Woman Trilogy," was also a #1, and it tells of a woman who grows up with prejudice due to her half-Cherokee heritage.
Final Score: Cher 10, Raiders 9: A defensive struggle. Both straddle the line between sincerity and parody, but Cher goes a little farther trying to make her backing track sound "authentically" Native American, so that gives her the minor upset.
THE GLORIA STEINEM BOWL
"I am Woman," Helen Reddy, 1972
vs. "Only Women Bleed," Alice Cooper, 1975
Two examples of what was then called "women's lib" infiltrating the pop charts. First there's the mother of all feminist anthems, Reddy's groundbreaking #1 empowerment manifesto. Then there's shock rocker Cooper with his sympathetic ode to a victim of domestic abuse, which hit #12
Final Score: Helen 27, Alice 24: It was a close one. Reddy seemingly had an insurmountable home-field advantage, but Alice came with a lot of tricks in his playbook: his female-sounding name, the contrast of his horror-show image and the tenderness with which he treats his subject, and the veiled, controversy-courting menstruation reference that prompted radio DJs to shorten the title to "Only Women." But in the end, the roar of the home crowd was the difference, inspiring Reddy to demonstrate her strength and invincibility by drilling a last-second game-winning field goal. You doubt her ability to go far in this tournament at your peril.
THE DON'T BLAME ME, I VOTED MCGOVERN BOWL
"Elected," Alice Cooper, 1972
vs, "Dialogue (Part I and II)," Chicago, 1972
More politics. First, Alice comes right back with an exaggerated take on political campaigning, styling himself as a candidate for "the Wild Party." It reached #26. Then it's the Windy City jazz rockers with a #24 on which singers Terry Kathy and Peter Cetera play the roles of a politically engaged concerned citizen and an apathetic, self-centred student discussing the issues of the day.
Final Score: Cooper 45, Chicago 3: Alice started in dominating fashion and kept rolling all the way, using his charisma and extravagant boasts and promises to win bigly. It wasn't until the game was over that we found out he didn't really care, but by then it was too late, he was already moving into
THE WE'RE NOT SINGERS, BUT WE ARE ON THE RADIO, SO LET'S MAKE RECORDS BOWL
"What the World Needs Now is Love/Abraham, Martin and John," Tom Clay, 1971
vs. "Desiderata," Les Crane, 1971
A couple of curios from 1971. The first, from a veteran Detroit DJ, was a combination of news clips of the lives and deaths of John and Bobby Kennedy and Martin Luther King, interspersed with versions of hits by Jackie DeShannon and Dion, as well as interviews demonstrating the innocence of children. The second was L.A. broadcaster Crane's accompanied reading of a new-agey self-affirmatiion poem, written in 1927. Both songs hit #8
Final Score: Clay 31, Crane 20: Clay's varied attack proved too much for Crane and his slow, steady approach. But Crane appeared to take the loss in stride, saying after the game, "No doubt, the universe is unfolding as it should."
THE HEY FARMER FARMER, PUT AWAY YOUR DDT BOWL
"Big Yellow Taxi," The Neighborhood, 1970
vs, "Big Yellow Taxi (Live)," Joni Mitchell, 1974
A battle between the two hit versions of Joni's environmental anthem. The first, by an anonymous white bread vocal group, hit #29. Four years later, a live version by the lady herself reached #24.
Final Score: Joni 38, Neighborhood 0: No contest. Mitchell played with passion, while the Neighborhood just seemed happy to be there. Meanwhile, Joni's original studio version stewed in the stands, denied an invitation to compete due to only reaching #67
THE DAMN DIRTY HIPPIES BOWL
"Back When My Hair Was Short," Gunhill Road, 1973
vs. "Uneasy Rider," Charlie Daniels, 1973
A couple songs about the post-60s hippie life. Scraping in at #40, suburban New Yorkers Gunhill Road poppily portrayed the movement as a fun but ultimately meaningless phase between haircuts. North Carolinan Daniels, however, was still flying his freak flag, even in conservative, redneck Mississippi, and he got to #9.
Final Score: Daniels 27, Gunhill 17: The Roadies had a strong first half and were looking to upset the tournament's namesake, but in the second half Charlie started making wild accusations about his opponents' tactics, and by the time the ruse was discovered, he had escaped with an Uneasy victory.
THE NO, WE'RE NOT AMERICA'S MINI-ME AWARD
"Monster," Steppenwolf, 1970
vs. "American Woman," The Guess Who, 1970
Two examples of Canadian bands not being shy about criticizing our southern neighbors. First it's John Kay and company with a litany of American injustices, from witch-burning to the slaughter of Native Americans to the Civil War to Vietnam. It got to #39. Later that year, the crew led by Burton Cummings and Randy Bachman went to #1 with a blast of hard rock decrying the United States' "war machines" and "ghetto scenes."
Final Score: Monster 39, Woman 1: A big time upset. Steppenwolf won by going from the guys who wrote cool songs about motorcycles and magic carpets to laying an undisguised guilt trip on the country where they sold most of their records. The Guess Who tried to be tricky and couch their message in a song that could be about dumping a lady, but it was the wrong approach for this kind of game. The unusual scoreline is attributed to the bitter losers insisting they be awarded a single point for a missed field goal, as they do in Canada.
THE WORLD BE CRAZY BOWL
"Ball of Confusion (That's What the World is Today)," The Temptations, 1970
vs, "Signs," Five Man Electrical Band, 1971
A battle of social commentaries. First, Motown legends the Temps went to #3 with a funky depiction of a world wracked with violence, drugs, prejudice, corruption, and many more evils. Meanwhile, a group from Ottawa would also hit #3 with a rocker about the printed postings of prohibition that we are supposed to obey to maintain a proper society.
Final Score: Ball 21, Signs 19: A close battle between soul concern and hippie anti-establishmentism. It was ultimately decided on the last play. The Electricals had the ball on the Temps' 20 with three seconds remaining, and could have attempted a makeable field goal for the win. But they did not do that, because a scoreboard is a kind of sign, and it's against their nature to do what signs say they should do. So instead, they threw a pass into the end zone, and it was broken up. And the band played on.
THE U.S.A.! U.S.A.! BOWL
"An American Trilogy," Mickey Newbury, 1972
vs. "American City Suite," Cashman and West, 1972
Matching up two songs about, well, America. Country songwriter Newbury had his only hit as a performer when he got to #26 with a medley of the minstrel anthem "Dixie,"the Confederate civil war song "Battle Hymn of the Republic," and the Negro spiritual lullaby "All My Trials." Meanwhile, folkies Terry Cashman and Tommy West went to #27 with a three-movement piece reflecting life how life in America can be by turns idyllic, dangerous and heartbreaking.
Final Score: Trilogy 15, Suite 12 (OT): Another close one, but ultimately, Newbury's tried and true approach prevailed over his opponents' decision to try something brand new. After the game, Cashman was heard talkin' about switching to baseball.
THE TROUBLED YOUTH BOWL
"Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard," Paul Simon, 1972
vs. "At Seventeen," Janis Ian, 1975
Young people with issues are in these songs. First it's Rhymin' Simon with his #22 tale of two juvenile ne'er-do-wells who commit some sort of crime but are absolved with the help of an unorthodox clergyman. Then it's the New Yorker born Janis Fink wh*o had a #3 with a sensitive folk song about the cruelties of life for an unpopular teenage girl.
Final Score: Ian 17, Simon 6: Paul came with a Latin flavor that hadn't been heard much in mainstream pop at the time, but it backs a lot of flashy wordplay that doesn't stick. Janis takes it slow, but she bares her soul and leaves it all out on the field, scoring more than enough to get the win.
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE BOWL
"(You're) Having my Baby," Paul Anka, 1974
vs. "The Killing of Georgie," Rod Stewart, 1977
An admittedly odd matchup. Veteran showman Anka returned to the top of the charts with a somewhat creepy ode to the woman carrying his child. Meanwhile, Rod the Mod got to #30 with the story of a gay man who is ostracized by his family, later finds acceptance in New York, but has his life cut short by a gang of muggers.
Final Score: Stewart 35, Anka 10: Putting out a record with an unabashed homosexual subject was a risk in 1977, but Rod did it anyway, and he gets rewarded here with a big victory. Going the traditional route didn't work for Paul, but you can't argue with the fact that he did it his way.
THE TWO PEOPLE FEATURED IN THAT CASSIUS CLAY KNOCKS OUT THE BEATLES PHOTO BOWL
"Give Ireland Back to the Irish," Wings, 1972
vs. "Black Superman (Muhammad Ali)," Johnny Wakelin and the Kinshasa Band, 1975
This matchup is about controversy. Paul McCartney, more known for pop than politics, got himself banned by the BBC but still made #21 in America by wading into the Troubles with a reaction to the Bloody Sunday killing of demonstrators by British troops in January of that year. Meanwhile, British singer Wakelin and company also hit #21 by singing the praises of the bold, boastful, and polarizing then-Heavyweight Champion of the World, shortly after he had surprised many by regaining his title with a knockout of George Foreman in Zaire.
Final Score: Wings 42, Wakelin 21: Despite having Ali in their corner, the Kinshasa band couldn't overcome the overpowering shock of the "cute Beatle" stepping into the political minefields that his ex-bandmate John Lennon had made a habit of. Wings fly on.
THE HE AIN'T HEAVY, HE'S MY NEIGHBOUR, EVEN THOUGH HE SPELLS NEIGHBOUR WITHOUT THE U BOWL
"The Americans," Byron MacGregor, 1974
vs, "The Americans," Gordon Sinclair, 1974
A battle of two records based on a June 5, 1973 editorial that first aired on Toronto radio station CFRB. The editorial was a rebuke of foreign nations critical of the United States as it struggled financially, ecologically, and politically. A reading of the piece by Windsor broadcaster MacGregor, backed by the Detroit Symphony Orchestra performing "America the Beautiful," became a sensation, reaching #4. In response, Sinclair, the man who had written and delivered the editorial originally, released his own version, set to "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," which made it to #24.
Final Score: Byron 50, Gordon 30: Sinclair drew up the plays, but MacGregor ran them better, delivering the message with all the Ted Baxter/Sam the Eagle self-seriousness he could muster. And as I said once before, the only thing weirder than a hit editorial is a cover version of that editorial.
This begins our journey. My next post will be another chart, but we will pick up this tournament regularly. I've enjoyed it quite a bit so far, and I hope you do too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)